Paranoid? No, Just Unbelievably Stupid

William Troughton (Tom Archer)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, which at Bridge Farm means decorating the Christmas tree, with the whole family helping. Tom, however, is worried - early in the day he ran into Joy, who confided that she wanted to buy Tony some malt whisky to thank him for his help with Madge the Midget. For new readers, I should explain that Madge is Joy’s MG Midget car.

Tom tells this to Natasha and asks her doesn’t she think that’s weird? The answer to that is ‘no’ and Natasha says that Joy probably only wanted to thank Tony. Tony, Joy goes on, is a lovely man and Pat and Tony are rock solid as a couple, so stop worrying. Oh, if only. Tom’s worries are compounded when Joy arrives at the door, bearing the aforementioned single malt and a batch of gingerbread.

Joy is invited to help dress the tree and demonstrates an eye for decoration. Tom also notes that she asks Tony to help her down from the ladder and she stays for drinks. She also lets slip that she will be home alone on Christmas Day. Pat says that they cannot allow that and tells Tom and Natasha that Joy will be joining them for Christmas lunch. “Actually, I quite like her” Pat says.

Tom has already described Joy as “brazen” to Natasha and his feelings must have shown on his face, as Pat says that Joy’s family have let her down. Even better, Joy has volunteered to come over early and help Tony prepare the vegetables, which will enable Pat to do a couple of hours’ volunteering at the Elms. Tom expresses his doubts, but Pat lays down the law, saying: “I want Christmas to be perfect - I want to see smiles and goodwill all round - ok?” With that, Pat exits the kitchen and Tom turns to Natasha - he’s sure this is all part of Joy’s master plan; not only has Joy got herself booked in early, but she has got Pat out of the way.

This begs the question, what does Tom think will happen? Will Joy ravish Tony across the kitchen table, scattering sprouts and parsnips hither and yon with gay abandon? Perhaps Tom should consider that Helen will be there, as will Henry and Jack, and, if Tom is so concerned, then perhaps he should turn up early and help with the vegetables? He sticks to his theory of Joy’s master plan, asking his wife “Look at the evidence - you can’t still think I’m being paranoid?” For my opinion, look no further than the title of this week’s blog, but, as we will see, on the morrow, things get much worse than Tom just having a misunderstanding, as it all goes nads up on the day. 

On Christmas morning, Natasha tells Tom again that there’s nothing going on between Joy and Tony and gradually, the guests arrive. Lee turns up and is full of trepidation; especially when he learns that there will be after-lunch party games. The meal is excellent and, during it, Tom is getting stuck into the wine big time. While they are waiting for the pudding, Joy says that she has heard there will be charades and would anyone like a rehearsal while they are waiting? She ends up with Tony and the film they are enacting is ‘Dirty Dancing’ (see earlier comment about ravishing Tony on the kitchen table). 

It is all too much for Tom, who (well - fortified with wine, let’s not forget) says that he’s had enough - he’s sick of Joy “sniffing round Tony - it makes me sick.” Joy is aghast and says “Tony is a lovely man, but not my type. I‘ve ruined it all” and she rushes off, in tears. Tony and (especially) Pat are incensed by their son’s behaviour. “I could kill him” she tells Tony later. Tony, Pat and Natasha drag Tom off to apologise to Pat and Joy, with Natasha describing her husband as “a prize idiot.”

Bearing in mind that this is Lee’s first Christmas at Bridge Farm, you can forgive him for being a tad bemused as Pat, Tony, Natasha and Tom rush out of the house in pursuit of Joy. “What just happened?” asks Lee, adding “To think I was nervous about making a good impression”, and he and Helen collapse in hysterical laughter. Well Pat, was this Christmas perfect enough for you?

The Festive Season was short on perfection for Kenton too - on Sunday, he is extremely ratty and bleary-eyed, having been kept awake at night by the calls of Eccles, the peacock. Kenton lets it be known that he could cheerfully throttle the bird. His mood is not improved when Lilian reminds him that they have Angus Shrimpton (an interior designer) arriving on Boxing Day to give them a free appraisal (courtesy of Justin Elliott) of what can be done to improve The Bull. Kenton says that business is very good, and he is worried that Angus will want to turn what is a locals’ pub into a Wine Bar.

When Angus turns up, he appears to be the epitome of exactly the sort of pretentious git that Kenton feared (no socks and - according to Lilian - expensive loafers. “I thought they were slippers” Kenton says). Angus describes the horse brasses (although he doesn’t know what they are) as “retro”. He won’t reveal his initial thoughts, but says he needs time “to mull it over” and “let it percolate”. He leaves The Bull. Saying “Laters” and Kenton lets it be known to Lilian that he wasn’t impressed. Could Angus be the bastard love child of Lynda Snell, I ask myself?

Of course, no Christmas in Ambridge would be complete without its taste of tragedy, and we had a hit-and-run incident on Boxing Day. After Angus departed, Kenton told Lilian that he had to go to the Cash & Carry to get some tonics. She said that she bought a case of tonics earlier, but Kenton says that they were artisan tonics (with unicorns and four-leaf clovers) and not the usual ‘cooking tonics’ favoured by the Ambridge peasants.

Kenton reverses out at speed and there is the sound, not unlike that of a peacock being squashed, and Kenton says “Oh no”. We next see him with Alistair, who solemnly declares the bird is dead; it has ceased to be; it has - but you can guess the rest, can’t you? Kenton begs him to not tell anybody, as nobody will believe that Kenton didn’t kill the bird on purpose after all his bad-mouthing of Eccles. Kenton begs Alistair to say that they found the bird dead. It seems that Alistair must have agreed, as on Friday Phoebe told Kirsty that Eccles had been the victim of a hit-and-run driver (a bit like Matt Crawford and Nic). No doubt Alistair will get a few free pints.

When it comes to falsifying evidence, we have another story; the Police have been in touch with Brookfield and Rex about the digger - licensed to Ambridge Farm Machinery - used in the ATM robbery, and Rex gets a call from Josh. Josh is worried because the digger seems to have been impounded and when will they get it back? Rex suggests that all will be ok - he says, almost in passing, that, once they can give the police the paperwork, all will be fine.

All well and good, but Josh says that there is no paperwork, nor an invoice and couldn’t Rex produce a back-dated document. “We haven’t done anything wrong” Josh says. “I haven’t done anything wrong” Rex corrects him. Then Josh’s signal breaks up. Don’t do it, Rex!

Let us now turn to matters supernatural. Monday saw the beginning of Jim Lloyd’s Ghost Stories in the Attic week-long gig. Alistair gets Jazzer on his own in the afternoon and says that Elizabeth has told him that they have sold only four tickets for tonight’s inaugural performance. This would be a disaster for Jim, says Alistair. Jazzer tells him not to worry - leave it to him. 

Alistair has little choice - why do animals seem to fall sick at Christmas? - and, on the opening night, there are only four people in the audience. Jim and Alistair are distraught, but Jazzer seems unconcerned. Sure enough, a crowd comes in - they are from The Laurels and the place is full. Alistair is grateful to Jazzer for organising it, but his thanks are tempered when Jazz tells him that Alistair will have to pay for the minibus.

We learn that one person was so scared that he fainted. This did Jim’s reputation no harm at all, and the rest of his performances are sold out. If I were Elizabeth, I’d keep him in the attic all year round. Lynda was impressed, saying what a great experience it was - praise indeed!

Over the years, Christmas has been a time of mixed fortunes for the Grundy family, but this year they seem to have been sprinkled with stardust this year. Firstly, they had a great success with Grundy World of Christmas and then they were invited to lunch (in a private dining room) at Grey Gables.

Before they set off, Eddie asks Clarrie what has she done to her face? She says that she has put lipstick on. Eddie remarks that things will be different this year and Clarrie says that she will miss the grandkids. “And dad” Eddie says. 

The lunch was superb, but Clarrie had to be stopped from stacking the plates. Clarrie says it has been a really special day and that Oliver has been a very good friend. “More like family, really” she says, as Oliver runs off to run a razor across his throat. No, that was unfair - Eddie had a surprise for Oliver; the very last bottle of Joe’s Sloe Gin. Oliver says that he doesn’t think he can take it, but Eddie insists. While they are getting through it, Oliver says how sad it is that the Grundys are leaving Grange Farm. Eddie says that it will be a fresh start. Oliver explains that he’d like them to stay on - “As long as you want to.” The Grundys are overcome, but what about the rent? Oliver says they can sort something out and they can stay “as a Christmas present to me”. I must be sending my present requests to the wrong Santa.

So, it’s another Christmas over and Neil and I want to wish our readers a Happy New Year. There are various storylines developing and we would love to hear your predictions for 2020, no matter how bizarre or outrageous. Thank you for your continuing support and we wish you all the very best for the coming year.

We are also pleased that, at the time of writing (8pm on Sunday 29^th December) our free hit counter numbered 353,526 

so thank you all once again and let’s hope there are lots more exciting storylines next year.

Neil and Peter