Lee Gets A Lesson In Farming

Ryan Early (Lee Bryce)

Following his Christmas at Bridge Farm, Lee turns up with flowers for Pat as a ‘thank you’. Pat’s not there, nor is Helen, but Tony is. Lee makes a remark about the cows that Tony is looking after and Tony laughs – they’re not cows; they have no udders. OK, bulls then, at which Tony laughs again – they’re not bulls, but steers, and he goes on to explain that, when they are very young, you slip a tight elastic band round the testicles, which cuts off the blood supply and the testicles drop off. “You don’t know much about farming” Tony laughs. And why should he? Lee’s a physiotherapist, after all.

Lee tells Tony that Helen has told him everything about Rob and he wants to reassure Tony that he would never, ever hurt Helen. Tony admits that he feels bad because he didn’t pick up on how Rob was dominating Helen and now he feels suspicious of any man who comes near her. Presumably he keeps a supply of tight elastic bands handy, just in case unwanted suitors come calling. Tony is taking to Lee and, before inviting him in for a cuppa, he shows him how to toss straw to straw down the yard. (It’s not often that you get two tossers in the same yard).

When Helen returns from a shopping trip (she and Kirsty have been looking at fancy dress costumes for the NYE party at The Bull) she finds her dad and Lee chatting amicably. Lee didn’t realise that it was a fancy dress gig, but he can go in his karate outfit as Bruce Lee. What is Helen going as? She won’t tell him, but, on the night, we learn that she has gone as the superhero Black Widow. 

Apparently the costume is really something and there are a number of ‘nudge nudge, have you seen Helen’s costume?’ comments from locals in the pub. Apparently black leather features heavily – Lee certainly likes her in it. The pair go outside for a breath of fresh air and start talking – do they want to go back in? Helen suggests they could go somewhere quieter (“Your flat, perhaps?”) and off they go.

It must have been a very good night, as a couple of days later (which is Henry’s birthday, incidentally) Lee says he couldn’t stop thinking of her – has she any regrets? None at all, she reassures him, adding that they are probably the talk of the village after what happened on NYE. She’s so glad that he’s on the scene and she tells him that she loves him. Going back to Helen’s costume, it’s a bit ironic, as she came within a hair’s breadth of being a black widow for real after she attacked Rob with a kitchen knife. I’m surprised nobody mentioned it – too scared, I suppose. Anyway, I wish her and Lee every happiness; they deserve it. 

New Year’s Eve was also eventful for Jim – the Ghost Stories in the Attic are going down a storm and the run is sold out. To celebrate, Jim gets stuck into the Scotch and, come midnight, he is violently sick. So bad is he, that the following day, Alistair is convinced that he won’t be able to perform GSitA that night. Who can step in at such short notice? Elizabeth suggests Robert, but it quickly becomes clear that he is not one of Nature’s natural performers – in fact, to be honest, he can hardly string two sentences together – so who can they get? Lynda deigns to step into the breach and, as the hour approaches, we hear her going through her warm up exercises. Just then there is a commotion and we hear Jim’s voice; he has turned up to read. What a trouper! The crowd applauds, and I admit that so did I. Anything other than Lynda.

Customers in The Bull are getting on Kenton’s nerves by constantly talking about Errol, the late and (by Kenton at least) unlamented peacock. Robert Snell says that Errol was the pub’s USP and he wonders if they should start a collection to raise funds for a memorial to the bird. Jolene goes further and tells Kenton that some customers have asked if there will be a book of condolences for Errol? 

She goes further still, saying that she has asked Harrison to launch a full investigation into the hit-and-run. By this time, Kenton is nearly demented and he finally admits that he was the driver. Jolene says that she was winding him up – she knows it was him, as she found a clump of feathers stuck to the wheel of his car. “When you murder something in cold blood, it’s as well to dispose of the evidence – you never do anything properly” she tells the peacock murderer.

Over at Grey Gables, there appears to be a gambling problem – the staff are allowed to play cards in the staff room (brag, I believe) but not for money. Roy is in charge of staff matters, but it appears that he isn’t getting a grip on things; two of the receptionists aren’t speaking to each other and there is at least one debt of over £40. Roy has issued a couple of warnings, but every time he makes an appearance, everybody says they are playing for matchsticks.

Tracy has asked Oliver to accompany her to GSitA (she had asked Roy, but he declined). Suddenly, there is the noise of an altercation – it appears that a fight has broken out in the staff room. Oliver is aghast and blames Roy for not keeping tight enough control – Oliver cannot believe that gambling has continued despite the fact that he forbade it. “It’s completely unacceptable to have fights breaking out in the staff room” he tells Roy. Yeah, right; take it out to the car park like normal people.

In future, says Oliver, there will be no verbal warnings – anyone transgressing will get a written warning and, should there be a further offence, then that person will be dismissed without a reference. Roy says that that might be bad for staff morale, to which Oliver’s acid reply is “If fisticuffs are breaking out in the staff room, it sounds like staff morale is already at rock bottom.” I suppose you could always give them their cards Roy – no, wait, they’ve already got cards, haven’t they?

Kirsty wanted to consult Roy about what to do about Gavin’s wedding – she can see that Phil is stressing about where can he get £20k to pay for it. Does Roy think she should have a quiet word with Gavin? Roy’s answer is an unequivocal, definite and emphatic ‘no’. Getting involved with other people’s children is a big no-no, he says – steer clear, lie low and on no account talk to Gavin. 

Kirsty listens to this and gives Gavin a ring – can they meet? They do so at the playground that Phil’s firm will be renovating and she tells Gavin how worried Phil is – he knows that Phil doesn’t like to say no to people or let them down – doesn’t Gavin realise the anxiety he is causing his dad? “If you’re not allowed to push the boat out on your wedding day, when can you?” Gavin asks, which shows that he is an inconsiderate git, as it will be Phil who is doing the boat-pushing. Does it have to be a beach in Bali? Kirsty asks. “Our wedding, our choice” Gavin replies, thereby demonstrating once again that he is an arrogant, ungrateful swine who takes his father for granted. Gavin goes further, suggesting that perhaps Kirsty is the one doing the sponging – a gold-digger who has got her clutches into a sugar daddy - and he tells her to butt out. 

Next day, Kirsty tells Roy what happened – he says she should let Phil know what happened, as he is bound to notice that she’s unhappy. “I shouldn't have got involved” Kirsty says, mournfully. To his eternal credit, Roy doesn’t throw a wobbly and bang Kirsty’s head on the desk, yelling ‘that’s what I spent ages telling you, you muppet!’ But I bet the thought passed through his mind more than once.

Let’s return to The Bull on Friday night. Jazzer is warning Jim to take it easy on the whisky (pots and kettles). Sergeant Burns comes in and would like a quiet word with Jazzer. He tells the Scotsman that he has had a call from a pal in the force – there have been developments in the enquiry into Harold Jayson (the man who abused Jim as a child). “They’ve arrested him at last!” crows Jazzer, triumphantly. Not quite, says Harrison – Jayson died on Boxing Day. “I hope his death was slow and painful” Jazzer retorts, but how (and when) is he going to break this news to Jim?

So, what can we take from last week’s episodes? I know that I, for one, will never look at an elastic band in the same way as before, plus I have been thinking about this whole Gavin wedding thing and I have come up with a solution that is both cheaper and much more environmentally friendly. 

Instead of flying fifty guests halfway round the world (imagine the size of that carbon footprint), why not hold the ceremony here in the UK? In fact, why not stay in Ambridge? We know that the Brookfield Archers are keen to get into the whole wedding reception business, so why not offer Gavin and Kelly the use of the barn at Brookfield? Firstly, it would save a shedload of money and I’m sure the place would scrub up nicely – in fact, it could be decorated with rustic implements and hung with garlands of a local arable crop. Not so much Bali as Barley, you might say. Sorry about that.