Sergeant Santa

James Cartwright (Harrison Burns)

Having decided that the Grundy World of Christmas is a goer, Eddie is now frantically searching for a Santa. People are obviously feeling sorry for what the Grundys have been going through and are volunteering in such numbers that he is having to beat them off with sticks. In fact, Sgt Burns is distraught when he was told that he had missed the deadline and he begged Eddie to add his name to the list of applicants.

And Harrison isn’t alone, as other contenders that we know about include Leonard, Jazzer, Robert Snell, Kenton and Derek Fletcher, to name but a few. Clarrie suggests to Eddie that he holds auditions in the Village Hall and everyone can be seen on the same day. Russ is at the Hall, looking for props for the Lower Loxley ghost stories in the attic performance and there is a misunderstanding with Clarrie, who thinks he has turned up to audition and she adds his name to the list as a favour. Russ hasn’t got the heart to tell her that he’d rather disembowel himself than play Santa (she said how nice it was that everybody was rallying round the family) and so Russ spends the day fervently praying that he doesn’t get picked.

He doesn’t, but it was a close-run thing, as the final three were Russ, Kenton and Sgt. Burns, with Harrison shading it. Hasn’t he got to be on duty? Of course, it could be a cunning ploy, as the last time Sgt. Burns attended a party (his own Stag night) he busted Freddie Pargetter for dealing dope. Perhaps he’s got his eye on one of Eddie’s nearly-legal scams.

Leonard finally got round to proposing to Jill, but she stopped him after one sentence, saying that, while she does love Leonard, she made her vows to Phil and she doesn’t want to get married. He says he feels the same way about his late wife Sylvia and the couple kiss, after agreeing to carry on as they are. However, Leonard has another proposal, as Jill tells David later. Simon (Leonard’s son who works in Singapore) will be over for Christmas and wants to take his Dad and Jill out for lunch at a top hotel on the day. Jill tells David that she’d like to accept if he doesn’t mind (or even if he did). To put it another way, David, cook your own damn turkey.

Helen and Kirsty take Helen’s boys to Underwoods to see Santa and there is a moment of panic when Helen realises that Henry has gone missing. The panic is over, however, when he returns, leading Lee, the karate instructor, who he spotted in the crowd. Kirsty tactfully leads the boys away to find Santa, leaving Helen and Lee to get re-acquainted. Or not, as the case might be, as the conversation is stilted and punctuated by awkward silences and discussions about how is the cheese coming along? When Kirsty returns, she is disappointed that nothing seems to have happened. Doesn’t Helen think that perhaps meeting up with Lee was meant to be? Helen’s reply is that that is just a load of rubbish – it was just a coincidence. “Let’s leave it at that, shall we?” she says, with a note of finality. Pity – I had hoped that she and Lee would get it together, and I suppose there’s still time. Fingers crossed.

In last week’s blog, we described how Lily and Johnny fell out when Lily told him about Bella being kissed by an unknown man at Freddie’s party. Lily and Phoebe are hanging around outside The Bull, wondering if Bella is on duty, when Johnny turns up. He apologises to Lily for what he said and he realises that she was just looking out for a mate and, anyway, he and Bella are solid once again. In fact, he has come to pick Bella up, as he’s cooking lunch for her.

As they talk, it becomes obvious that Bella isn’t happy. Johnny says that the kiss doesn’t matter and they can get over that, but Bella says that she thinks they are finished – Johnny has changed from the person she loved and she doesn’t know where the old Johnny has gone. If by this she means that he is mooning around like a love-struck calf, I’m with her 100%. Bella also lets slip that the man in the photo was Josh and is surprised that Johnny didn’t know. There is the sound of a glass being broken and an angry and upset Johnny tells her to go – go now.

The next day, we are treated to another example of the tactlessness of Freddie Pargetter; Johnny has told him that Bella has dumped him and Freddie won’t stop going on about it, asking “but why?” and wondering who she has dumped him for. This is despite Johnny repeatedly saying that he doesn’t want to talk about it and trying to change the subject. Just as it looks like Freddie might shut up, Johnny reveals that the other man in the photo was Josh, and Freddie is off on one again, saying that surely Johnny should go round and have it out with him? How could he do that to a mate? Freddie has all the sensitivity of a granite condom and he just doesn’t know when to leave well alone – Johnny was feeling bad enough before Freddie started giving him advice.

There were irreconcilable artistic differences at Lower Loxley when Elizabeth – in what we can only assume was a moment of madness, or weakness – appointed Russ as the director of ‘Ghost Stories in the Attic.’ Jim tells Russ that he neither needs, nor wants, a director, but Russ reminds him of Lizzie’s depression and her fragile mental state – surely Jim doesn’t want to do anything that might set her recovery back? This emotional blackmail works and Jim agrees to give it a go.

As fair cracks of the whip go, this state of affairs lasted about five minutes. Jim’s idea is to sit in a chair, reading, but Russ wants more drama – how about if Jim were to be discovered in a foetal position on the floor, from which he slowly unfolds? Jim is not impressed and, when Russ suggests that he holds a child’s wooden windmill as a prop, that’s the last straw. “Think what you can do with this toy” exhorts Russ. “Believe me, I am” Jim replies, sourly and rushes off to tell Elizabeth that this scenario is never going to work and he cannot work with Russ.

Lizzie makes an executive decision – Jim will read the stories as he wants to and Russ will be in charge of set design. They will work independently, without consulting each other and, should there be any disagreement, Lizzie will decide and her decision is final.

The staff at Grey Gables are saying goodbye to Dimitrios, from the kitchen. The party will be held at Tim’s Taverna and is arranged by Tracy. Lynda decides that it isn’t highbrow enough and says that she will do some research into a Greek theme. It transpires that this means plate smashing and a mime game of her own devising, entitled ‘Which Greek God am I?’ Tracy points out that the evening is supposed to be fun and, against all the odds, people seem to be enjoying it, although that’s probably due more to the wine than a love of pretentiousness.

Things are going well, until Tracy tells Oliver that she never cleared plate-smashing with the owner of the Taverna. At this point, her attention is diverted when she spots Roman (the actor) entering the tavern and she is off like a shot, after him. Lynda is urging everyone to smash a plate and the tavern owner is going mad, as they are his best plates.

The evening ends somewhat abruptly after this and Oliver is outside, where the minibus is waiting to take them away. But Oliver is concerned – where is Tracy (he was just on the point of telling her how he values her friendship when she spotted Roman and was off). Oliver is all for waiting for Tracy, but Freddie tells his boss that he saw Tracy leaving “with that actor fellow.” I’ll say this for Tracy; she’s not one to let the grass grow under her feet.

On Tuesday, the PPR consortium made their pitch to the board of Borsetshire Land – or rather Phoebe did, as Pip and Rex were there, as Pip explained to Brian, as back-up. Phoebe was disconcerted when Brian told her that a) as her grandfather he would have to absent himself from her pitch and b) if it came to a vote, then he wouldn’t be allowed one. So, that’s one friendly face down, but Justin Elliott wished her good luck.

Phoebe put up a good show, but at the end, she was ambushed by questions, posed by Justin, that she had no proper answers for. The result was that the board said they’d discuss rewilding and let the trio know by the end of the week. It looked bad for PPR, but Rex said that their next move was obvious – Justin is BL’s largest shareholder, so they will have to target him.

Rex puts his plan into action and learns from Justin’s secretary that he is having some ‘me time’ at the driving range. Rex ‘accidentally’ meets Justin and the pair decide to share a bay. Afterwards, Rex offers to buy Justin a drink and they are soon deep in conversation. They find they have a mutual love for rugby and Justin is impressed that Rex was a professional player, until his career was cut short by injury.

The talk turns to rewilding and Rex reveals that PPR really need the land from BL. Can Justin help? He thinks for a moment and says he will make a couple of phone calls and could Rex meet him in The Bull around 9pm?

At the appointed time, Rex is there with Phoebe and Justin walks in. Eagerly, they ask him if he’s reached a decision? The answer is ‘yes’, much to their delight and Justin tells them that BL is prepared to offer PPR 270 acres, which will more than meet their targets and free up some of Peggy’s trust money. However, Justin didn’t get where he is today by being generous and cuddly and he says that BL would want to keep the decision under wraps, subject to agreement of terms.

Phoebe and Rex are mystified – terms? What terms is he talking about?

Justin says that this isn’t a straightforward land rental agreement, but a shared farming deal. Anything else? Oh yes – the deal is that BL would take a percentage of any profit generated. What sort of percentage? “75%” Justin answers. Ouch! Beware Greeks and Justins bearing gifts, Rex and Phoebe.