So Long, And Thanks For All The Silage.

Without going into details, an unexpected illness has forced us to close the barn doors for the final time. Everyone’s ok and on the mend but it has been difficult over the past few months to keep the momentum going. 

We would like to thank our readers for staying the course, your kind comments and, of course the generous donations of silage that were greatly appreciated. This was always just an amusing diversion borne from years listening to The Archers, and an opportunity to occasionally vent our frustrations at the storylines and characters, and we were more than a little surprised to find that others shared our views. 

You have all been great and we’ll miss your witty and supportive comments. The blog will remain dormant but available for the continued amusement of future generations.

Take care,

Neil and Peter.

Out For 85

Eric Allen (Bert Fry)

It’s harvest suppertime in Brookfield’s barn and Jill’s making the last minute preparations, which mainly consists of strategising how to cut off Bert Fry when his planned poetry readings starts to go on too long (I expect her cue will be when the guests start face planting into their pavlovas). Bert’s printed off some copies of his poems, which mainly consists of punning on Houseman - for ‘blue remembered hills’ think ‘blue remembered pills’, you get the idea -  and David and Kenton thinks it’s hilarious. Jill kicks off proceeding with and introductory speech which, of course, sets just the right tone as well as saving the assembled villagers from David and Kenton’s ‘comedy’ routines.

Bert becomes a bit of an inspiration for Ben as he’s deciding on his options for his training and is leaning towards elderly care. Roooooth’s coincidentally taking Bert out for a drink in The Bull later to thank him for helping to clear up after the harvest supper and she suggests that Ben tags along. In the pub Jolene’s effusive about Bert’s performance and makes him an extra special supper - cheese and pickle sandwiches with a pickled egg on the side. So enthusiastic is she about Bert’s poems that she wants to set them to music (please, dear god, no).

Ben and Bert get on famously, reminiscing about all Bert’s highlights from his years in Ambridge. He even teaches Ben to play Crib until he loses then nods off, allegedly so he can’t be beaten again. We don’t actually hear from the man himself though, because although Bert seems to be cropping up in every storyline this week, we never hear from the man himself. And we never will now because, dear listeners, Bert has just played the game hole, not just of Crib but of life itself. 

It’s hard to imagine a more suitable passing for Bert. Fresh from being applauded at the harvest supper for his poetry, he had a bellyful of free beer and sandwiches in the Bull and after an evening playing Crib he just fell asleep there and then. Apparently Roooooth and Jolene took turns with CPR (I’m glad we didn’t hear that bit, it would have been insensitive) but it was too late for the 85 year old Bert. My money’s on the pickled eggs though - better check that best-before date Jolene.

For someone who wants to work with the elderly it seems surprising that  Ben seems to be in denial about being there when Bert died, or indeed his death full stop - “it happens” is his response when Beth tries to talk to him about it. She’s annoyed that he doesn’t seem to feel anything about losing a man he’s known all his life, but - and Ben does sound very upset at this point - he tells her that he doesn’t want to talk about it. What he’s in fact struggling with is the feelings of doubt that now consume him about his chosen career path - what if he’s not up to it after all.

Of course Rex is devastated. He moved in with Bert some time ago and is just glad that he went to the harvest supper and was there for Bert’s final poetry reading. Bert’s son Trevor is on his way down and Rex needs to make sure the bungalow is ship-shape, including Bert’s room. He needn’t have worried though as Bert has left everything neat and tidy. Trevor’s asked Rex to find some things of his Dad’s; a book on Borsetshire folk tales, a picture of Freda and a cricket scorecard for a 1985 match between Ambridge and Penny Hassett - B Fry, 44 not out. They also find a saucer with 3 matching cufflinks in it! Did Bert Fry have Polymelia (and if so why didn’t we know, and where did he buy his shirts) or did Lynda Snell once put on a version of Edward Albee’s play The Man Who Had Three Arms, with Bert in the starring role? We may never know.

Tony’s the first one to encounter Trevor as Rex is out buying biscuits for his imminent arrival (who on earth doesn’t always have a packet of biscuits in the cupboard? I’m sure Bert would have been an avid biscuit eater - I had him down as a Rich Tea man, with perhaps the odd Fig Roll for funtional reasons. Or perhaps he went off biscuits after Freda died and wasn’t able to enjoy any more of her Victorian Fairings). Trevor’s quite the talker and accomplishes the rare feat for boring the pants off Tony - Trevors detailed rundown of his train journey down, and recital of the timetable for trains from Hollerton Junction beats Tony’s tales from the potato harvest hands down. He’s having such a great time reminiscing about his dad and Ambridge that he decides to stay a few more days so that he can see more of the village.

He makes his way to the Bull with Rex and he takes some of his dad’s old photographs with him. Eddie’s chuffed to see pictures of Bert and Joe together and calls them “the Federer and Nadal of flower and produce”. (I’d have thought Statler and Waldorf, the two cantankerous old men from the muppets, would have been more fitting). But the rivalry of the two village stalwarts seems to have been passed down to their sons as Trevor and Eddie spar over how to refer to the pair - Fry and Grundy or Grundy and Fry. One thing Eddie does know is that Trevor “could bore the backside off a dead rabbit”, presumably once he’d finished with all the donkeys.

Eddie’s drawn up a rota so they all share the pain of being talked at, for 15 minutes at a time, and to use a safe word ‘Badger’ when they need to bail out. Leonard takes the first leg (welcome back Leonard) and Trevor progresses devastatingly through the rota until he arrives at Tony. After an extended monologue about trying to by a sandwich on Strasbourg station Tony panics and repeatedly shouts “BADGER”. No-one picks up on this and Tony is left looking like he’s got omnivore-themed Tourettes. Leonard wanders over to ask him everything’s ok and gets roped in again. Eddie meanwhile thinks his plan’s gone really well but Jolene’s not happy, not happy at all, as Trevor’s emptied the place. Afterwards Rex and Trevor walk back to the bungalow but there’s no let-up. It’s a dark and starry night and Trevor starts going through the constellations but Rex politely cuts him short. 

The mood changes and in a touching gesture Trevor offers him Bert’s old poetry notebooks and tells him that Bert thought of him as a second son and was really proud of him. The way he says it though makes me wonder whether Bert actually said the same to his actual son, Trevor.

This week was dominated by Bert’s death but rather than end on a sad note I thought I would publish his beloved wife Freda’s recipe for Victorian Fairings which I’ve copied from the Jennifer Aldridge’s Archers Cookbook by Angela Piper. 

115g margarine or butter

1 tbsp golden syrup

85g brown sugar

170g self-raising flour

½ tsp bicarbonate of soda

1 tsp ground ginger

½ tsp ground mixed spice

pinch of salt

Melt the butter and syrup in a pan over a low heat and stir in the sugar. Remove from the heat and add the sieved flour, soda, spices and salt. Mix until a soft and smooth dough is formed.

Take rounded teaspoons of the mixture, roll into balls and place on greased baking trays, leaving room for the biscuits to spread.

Bake at 350°F/180°C/Gas 4 for 10-15 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool.

Makes about 24

The Monster Of Berrow Farm

Jon Glover (Martyn Gibson)

After last week’s shaky start between Brookfield and Brian’s new farm manager Stella, we find Roooooth showing her around, and things sound a bit more cordial. Stella wants to agree in advance what fields Brookfield’s sheep will be grazing and when, so there are no ‘communication problems’ in future. The two are getting on famously and settle down over a pot of tea and Roooooth suggests that Stella come to the harvest supper, which Brookfield are hosting, where she will be able to meet the whole village.

The harvest supper is only a week away and David and brother Kenton are going over the details in The Bull. Jazzer joins them as they start to go through the running order but there’s a hitch right at the start - an argument about who’s going to compere the evening. As it’s taking place in David’s barn he wants to do it, but then Kenton’s the traditional go-to-guy for that sort of thing. Poor Jazzer has to referee but diplomatically suggests they do a double act, preparing their routines separately before comparing notes.

It turns out that you can kid a kidder because neither of them can come up with any decent material but each kids the other that they have prepared something brilliant. Kenton seeks advice from Bert Fry, who doesn’t laugh at his jokes, and David goes to see Lynda, who tells him that his script is terrible. In the end they’re rescued by their mother when Peggy suggests that she do the introduction as she’s touched that it is Brookfield where everyone will come together again.

Speaking of coming together, Shula’s been thinking about Lilian’s offer to invest in the stables and has decided that she’d like to give it a go. Lilian’s overjoyed when Shula pops round early to give her the news, with her only disappointment being that it’s too early to open a bottle of fizz. Just how early is it? The thought that Lilian doesn’t always have a bottle on the go is one that’s never crossed my mind. Anyway, Shula has some red lines - she needs to maintain control, earn a reasonable salary and above all the spirit of the business mustn’t change. Oh yes the other thing is that Justin, who at this stage is unaware of the proposed partnership, has to agree.

They wake Justin from a snooze and naturally he’s a tad grumpy saying that there’s no way he’s going to take on “a bunch of excitable children and ponies”. In defence Shula’s pressurised into giving an impromptu sales pitch which, in the best traditions of Dragons’ Den, is simultaneously unimpressive and ill thought through. Shula leaves angrily and Lilian is incandescent at Justin, but all may not be lost as he thinks there’s a germ of an idea, if only Shula could see the bigger picture. Rather than discuss this, Justin goes round to the stable surreptitiously scoping the place out, asking questions and taking photographs. Of course Shula’s not happy at this underhand approach and not only wants an explanation but decides to withdraw from any partnership that might be in the offing. “I’ll swing for that man” exclaims Lilian, and she resolves to get to the bottom of it.

Lilian persuades Shula to meet up with her again in The Bull. Lilian gets the Gin and Tonics in (of course) before telling Shula what Justin’s up to, which is actually quite a lot. He wants to pull down the stable blocks and replace them with an American-style ‘complex’ for elite competition horse jumping and dressage training plus an exclusive members-only clubhouse. I don’t think that’s the last we’ll hear of this as I suspect that Justin will be like a dog with a bone now he’s had the idea.

At Bridge Farm the realities of Bexit are beginning to hit home. There’s a shortage of labour to pick the apples which are in danger of spoiling if they can’t resolve the situation soon. They could always be turned into juice but Tom’s promised his customers apples in peak condition, and after the apples the potatoes will need to be harvested, and you can’t have veg boxes without potatoes. There’s more problems when the Bridge Fresh online store goes down, diverting Tom from the vital task of harvesting the apples, and then torrential rain forces the whole team to finish early. If only there were some unexpectedly available enthusiastic local fruit pickers that could help …

Over at Grey Gables Adam turns up just as Ian’s getting ready for lunch service. He’s not come to find out what the soup of the day is, but rather to offload the fact that he’s just walked out of his job after an argument with his boss, Christian. I have to say that Ian takes it rather well considering all the hassle he’s been put through with Adam changing jobs in the first place, but as Ian says, he’s done it himself before now so understands where Adam’s coming from. However, his failure to tell his mother with such promptness lands him in hot water when word reaches her that he’s quit.

Jennifer hears it from Tom after Tony sees Adam unexpectedly out shopping during the week. But it’s not just the fact that he’s left his new shiny managerial role without saying anything that upsets her, it’s that he’s supposedly degrading himself by picking apples for Tony. She wants him to return to Home Farm but he’s so adamant that he won’t go back that Jenny thinks it must be because Brian forced him out. In order to convince her otherwise her’s forced to tell her that it was his own stupid fault by secretly ‘borrowing’ money out of the Home Farm account, and as you can imagine she’s not impressed.  

I continue to be impressed with Jazzer though, as he’s had another success with Blake in persuading him to move back into the hostel, a good base from which to start his new job at Berrow Farm. Blake finds the size of Berrow a bit daunting, but Jazzer’s support gives him the confidence he needs to start with some small jobs. He starts with strimming the verges but loses concentration and thinks he’s broken the strimmer and will be punished. Jazzer fixes it with a new strand of wire and reassures him that there’ll be no punishment, but we get a small insight into the world Blake’s been inhabiting where the slightest mistake by one person could result in the whole gang getting a beating or going hungry. It is probably Philip and Gavin’s only redeeming feature that they didn’t treat their slaves as badly.

However, it seems I might have been speaking too soon last week when I started to believe Martyn Gibson’s own description of himself as “I’m not a monster”. Turns out that he is indeed a monster and it looks like the whole ‘let’s take Blake under our wing’ thing was a stunt designed to get good press for himself and Berrow Farm. He invites a reporter from The Echo to the farm to interview Blake but it goes horribly wrong when the reporter tries to get an angle on Philip and Gavin, and Blake's only rescued when Jazzer notices what’s going on. Jazzer kicks the reporter out and gives Martyn a mouthful, telling him that he’s no better than Blake’s old slave masters, forcing him to do something he didn’t want to do. This sends Blake back to square one emotionally, saying the only people he trusts are Philip and Gavin and he’s determined to clear their names. 

I think it might be time for someone else to get involved in Blake’s rehabilitation. A couple of years ago Elizabeth successfully sought the help of a therapist in treating her depression - I wonder if she still has their number? Sounds to me like Blake could use a good therapist to treat the classic case of Stockholm Syndrome he’s acquired. 

Borset Barnet Barbers Bankrupt

Andonis James Anthony (Russ Jones)

Realising he’s still overdrawn on brownie points, Jazzer plans to take drastic action by selling his beloved bike in the hope that Chelsea’s interest in two wheels abates. He goes to see ‘God Squad’ Alan Franks to see if he knows of anyone who would want it, but Alan’s interested himself as it’s exactly the same model and colour of bike he bought after first passing his test.

Amy’s not impressed, and neither is Usha, but Alan wants to buy it for sentimental reasons. The only spanner in the works is the reason Jazzer’s selling it in the first place - Chelsea. After Johnny offers to help with her English (he’s also dyslexic) they agree to meet after school, but Chelsea thinks this is some kind of date and dresses up. She wants to arrive ‘in style’ and asks Jazzer to take her there on the bike but he insists on her putting on leathers and changing her footwear, and of course has to wear a helmet. However Johnny makes it clear that he’s not keen on bikes or ‘biker chicks’ and the final straw is when he laughs at her helmet hair. With Johnny and Jazzer’s laughter ringing in her ears she storms out and walks home. With Chelsea now off bikes all that’s left is for Jazzer to break the bad news to Alan, who’s already joined the owners’ club in anticipation.

A chance encounter with Lily presents Chelsea with another opportunity to brush up on her English and help complete an essay she’s been struggling with. She invites herself round and, interrupting Russ’s dinner, launches straight into an animated replay of the saga over Jazzer’s bike. Once Chelsea’s finally paused for breath Lily starts being ever so formal about the theory of English composition. Russ, who’s been silently listening to the story, interrupts to say that Chelsea’s shown that she has creative energy that shouldn’t be stifled. Lily politely tells Russ to butt out as having two teachers will confuse the poor girl. Quite right, he agrees, and suggests that Chelsea chooses whom her teacher should be. She doesn’t hesitate to say that Russ should, he being an actual former teacher, whereas Lily “just sells kitchens”.

He has quite the task on his hands and starts with the difference between ‘their’, ‘there’ and ‘they’re’. How to repay him? Offer to cut his hair of course as Russ’s usual place, Borset Barnet, has closed down. Lily’s looking forward to the humiliation and Russ finds the experience excruciating if not frightening, in fear of keeping both his ears attached. However not only does Russ retain his ability to wear glasses, he is audibly shocked to discover that his new haircut is really rather good. 

Someone else who turns out to be rather good is Blake who is quite the craftsman, turning Jazzer’s abortive efforts into a fine set of shelves in no time, even cleaning up after himself. Jazzer manages to find more jobs that need doing around the house, and they plan to carry on tomorrow after a visit to the builders merchants. Once they get talking Alistair discovers that Blake is very fond of animals and they swap stories over sandwiches. Alistair wants to pay Blake for his work, but the concept of wages eludes Blake as Philip never actually paid him, only providing basic food and accommodation. Alistair gives him the money and he’s very grateful, if a little overawed. Both Alistair and Jazzer see an opportunity to get Blake out working on odd jobs for others in the village. 

But there’s another opportunity for Blake, and one that comes from a very unlikely source. His name crops up while Brian’s giving Martyn ‘I’m not a monster’ Gibson a tour of Berrow Farm. Martyn’s impressed that Jazzer’s taken Blake under his wing and suggests that Blake is given a formal contract to work as a casual maintenance man at the farm. What Neil or deputy Hannah will say is anyone’s guess as they weren’t been consulted on the matter.

Over at Home Farm Stella’s bemoaning the lack of labour to complete all the jobs that need doing. Although both Stella and Brian could fill in, she’s going to set up a pool of tractor drivers so that they always have someone available. Stella wants to start spraying but Brookfield’s sheep are all over the land grazing. No one seems to have given permission so Brian suggests she goes round and introduces herself and mention the sheep at the same time.

David and Roooooth have their hands full weighing bullocks, so it’s Pip who receives her, but the first meeting doesn’t go well. Stella’s very pushy and demands the sheep are moved right away, but Pip sticks to her guns and says she’ll move them in the morning. Stella’s not impressed, much to Brian’s surprise, and wants to move the two farm’s dealings on a more formal footing. I don’t think that’s the last we’ll hear about issues between Pip and Stella, especially as Brian let slip that it was Pip whose mistake it was that resulted in an outbreak of Infectious Bovine Rhinotracheitis spreading to Home Farm.

Lilian’s still on cold turkey and is suffering from nicotine withdrawal, the main symptom of which seems to be irritability. Roooooth gets both barrels of Lil’s tongue when she tries to get her to change her harvest supper contribution from desert to starters or mains as she thinks she’s been put on the wrong list. Lilian takes offence that people don’t think she’s much of a baker, a situation that’s made worse when Roooooth reveals she actually allowed Jenny to change from providing a starter to a desert. 

Lil is full of regrets which Shula picks up on when they’re getting ready to go out riding together. Shula’s feeling under the weather too as managing the stables alongside her ordination studies is getting her down, and Lilian suggests she comes round later for something to eat. The ride does Lilian good and she apologises to Roooooth, but she’s also had a bit of an epiphany (although strictly speaking that should be Shula’s department) suggesting that she and Justin should invest their spare money in the stables. A tad more dignified than a luxury yacht methinks. 

Finally, I have to say to the scriptwriters that I didn’t think the name of Russ’s defunct barbers, Borset Barnet, really worked - I’d have gone for Borsetshair. Sounds a bit like Borsetshire? Oh, never mind - I’m wasted here). 

Easy, Rider

Ryan Kelly (Jack 'Jazzer' McCreary)

The tobacco industry shudders and share prices fall as the news that Lilian’s given up smoking reaches the industry. The other big news in the Bellamy/Elliott household is Alice and Chris’s impending divorce, and the impact it could have on Home Farm and therefore Borsetshire Land.

Speaking of Home Farm Justin Elliott takes Stella out for lunch and during their conversation we discover that they have history together - purely professional and above board of course. Stella previously worked for Justin on one of the farms in which Damara Capital has a stake and it was he who tipped her off when the farm manager job at Home Farm became available. During lunch he mentions the possible sale of Home Farm and Stella’s not happy, later telling Brian that it’s ungrateful and inconsiderate of him not to have told her himself. He agrees but protests that events had overtaken him and couldn’t find the right time to tell her. In return Stella now wants to know what else he hasn’t been telling her.

Where to start? He tells her about the pollution and subsequent fine that forced him to sell the house, then about Alice’s alcohol addiction and pending divorce. Stella thinks all is not lost - Chris and Alice haven’t actually filed for divorce yet and even if they do she’s sure they can find a way to sell some land and still make the farm viable. Step 1 she says is to secure the contract with Borsetshire land at the forthcoming board meeting. 

Still apparently unaware of Justin and Stella’s history, Brian introduces them to each other at the meeting. Stella quickly asserts herself and outlines her plan to take advantage of the new farm incentives while also lowering overall costs. In the end she manages to retain the Home Farm contract much to the delight of Brian who’s cock-a-hoop about getting through another board meeting on top. 

Chelsea still doesn’t want to continue with driving lessons but instead wants to learn to ride a motorbike, and thinks Jazzer’s the ideal person to teach her. Tracy’s not keen, to say the least, but Chels’ points out that as she’s 17 her mum can’t stop her, and if she tries she’ll go on strike from college. Eventually Tracy sees the sense in letting Jazzer teach her at least one lesson rather that someone they don’t know, but they’re still going to try and put her off.

Jazzer does his best to make the lesson as boring as possible but Chelsea sees right through it and tells Jazzer she wants to have some fun and encourages him to show her just what his bike’s capable of. Jazzer opens up the throttle and Chelsea squeals declaring “OMG that was lit” (translation: my word, that was exciting). Now home but still full of adrenaline Chelsea feigns boredom but Tracey knows her daughter better than that and berates Jazzer for going against the plan, kicking him out before his favourite dinner of mince pie.

Instead of spending his evening lying on Tracey’s sofa with a full belly and a can of lager, Jazzer goes out birding with Jim. Jim thinks he’s spotted a Redwing and they head off to the hide but there’s already someone in there, sleeping. It’s the elusive Blake who’s made it his temporary night shelter and rather than cause a scene, Jim and Jazzer leave him a sleeping bag and a flask of tea, and the next morning Jazzer takes up bacon sandwiches and fresh tea. The talk about their shared experiences of a troubled upbringing and bond over football, and Jazzer helps Blake to understand that although the likes of Lynda and Jim may seem posh, all they want to do is help. Jazzer tells Blake how he cut himself sawing wood so that he could put up shelves for Jim’s rapidly growing book collection and Blake laughs saying that shelves are so easy. Blake offers to help him which gives Jazzer the chance to offer an open invitation to him to go round whenever he likes.

If like me you have been on tenterhooks worrying about the birthday cake for Jill’s 91st, you’ll be glad to know that Beth has finished it. Josh winds Ben up (there’s £100 at stake remember) about how it will seriously put Jill’s nose out of joint to see how good it is which makes Ben seriously worried that it will upset her. So worried in fact that a struggle ensues as he tries to hide it, with the cake Inevitably landing up on the floor.

Beth can’t have held much of a grudge though as she agrees to let her dad take her and Ben out for dinner, to Les Soeurs Heureuses no less - yes the same fancy restaurant that Jill used as target practice with her flapjacks - see The Flapjack Flinging Felon. Ben has had to wear a tie and that’s not the only thing he’s uncomfortable with - the prices are making him choke too. Vince tells him not to be shy as he’s footing the bill so forget the goat’s curd salad and glass of water Ben, have the steak and a bottle of Margaux. But tread carefully Ben, although Vince says you “smell right”, he also won’t see Beth hurt again - “understood”? Such was the thinly veiled threat in that one word he might have well have said ‘Capiche?’, but he moves on and starts asking Chris about his nursing studies. He senses Chris’s earnestness and tells him that he has a serious nut allergy that’s nearly killed him on several occasions. Chris realises in panic that Vince has just eaten a pear and frangipane tart for dessert and shouts across the restaurant for an ambulance, just as Vince’s gasps turn to guffaws at his own distasteful prank. His daughter though is disgusted with him and storms out, challenging Ben to leave with her. 

When Vince calls round to apologise, Beth keeps him on the other side of the door. Ben is more willing to forgive than his girlfriend and laugh it off. He explains to Vince that his offer of a hotel stay in London to make up for it is part of the problem. All Beth wants is her Dad, not someone who’s always trying to prove how good he is. Vince explains that he’s proud of what he’s achieved and that all he’s ever wanted to do is provide his girls with the best of everything. Tail between his legs, Vince shows Beth a picture of her when she was only seven which he’s carried in his wallet ever since. “No more stupid jokes, enough with the swagger” is Beth’s demand, and Vince agrees. 

Finally thais week, Roooooth seems to be the only one who’s noticed that Amy has been on leave from her job for rather a long time. Amy avoids the question, but later on after a walk to clear her head, confesses to her father that she’s leaving midwifery as her heart’s not in the job any more. Alan’s actually relieved as he’s been worried about the number of NHS staff dying from COVID, but the job has taken it’s toll in other ways and she just can’t take it any longer.

Let’s hope Ben manages to navigate through the demands of working for the NHS without too many issues. I think it would be good to follow his studies and subsequent career closely so that we get a real insight into what it’s like starting out in today’s health service, and not just become one of the characters we only hear about in passing like Dan Hebden Lloyd.

Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water

 Luke Macgregor (Blake)

No time is wasted getting straight back to the Rob storyline as we find Kirsty looking for the key to the mortice lock on the back door of her old house which is now rented out to Helen and Lee. Lee’s getting jumpy, not helped by Joy’s cat setting of the CCTV alert to his phone, but the next alert is for real - it’s Rob outside his house. Lee tackles him and pulls his hoodie off to reveal not Rob, but Blake! That’s the first we’ve heard of him since he and the other lads got sold on to their new slavemaster. Lee doesn’t know who Blake is but when Kirsty brings him up to speed he realises that he was one of Philip Moss’ exploited workers. Blake’s been hanging around waiting for Philip to come home but doesn’t realise that he doesn’t live there any more and is in fact in prison. 

Blake’s in a right mess - dishevelled and starving - and Kirsty calls on Harrison for help. When Blake hears this he gets himself in a state thinking he’s coming to arrest him. But all’s well when he meets him and sorts him out a place in a hostel, which makes a change from his previous accommodations in a freezing shed or a container. Kirsty finally tells him that Philip and Gavin are in prison for what they did to him Kenzie and Jordan, but Blake thinks that’s wrong, because Philip treated him the best out of all the slavemasters. Distressed at this news Blake runs away.

As threatened last month, and at Lily’s suggestion, Chelsea’s started having driving lessons from her mother. I’m made to feel very old when Tracey tells her daughter that she doesn’t want her driving round like Nigel Mansell. Chelsea does seem to have a natural talent for driving as after only three lessons she seems to have picked it up really quickly. Obviously neither of them have read the highway code though, especially the bit about distractions, as Tracy talks incessantly and at one point causes Chelsea to practice her emergency braking skills by shouting “MIND THE RABBIT!”.

Tracy gets back behind the wheel and Chelsea takes great delight in telling her mum to slow down when she exceeds the speed limit, just as she gets caught by Lynda who’s out on a speeding patrol. She endures a stiff talking to from Lynda but she’s let off in exchange for a formal promise not to speed again and an offer to drive her home. Chelsea offers to drive but it’s not long before she has the chance to slam on the emergency brakes again when Blake dashes out in front of her.

Blake ends up in hospital but was very lucky, due to Chelsea’s swift reactions, and is only kept in for observation. He’s not receiving visitors though, as Kirsty finds out, but Lynda thinks she might stand a better chance. She takes the things Kirsty had bought him (crisps, grapes, shampoo, shower gel and a car magazine) and goes up to the ward. Incidentally, Borsetshire General seem to have a very lenient visiting policy in contrast to my local hospital where there are still very strict rules on who they let in and when. Don’t they know there’s still a pandemic on? Anyway, he agrees to see her and she reassures him that there will be no repercussions for the fire at Grey Gables in which she was severely burned. She gets him to see that the fire wasn’t his fault and that it’s not Kirsty’s fault that Philip’s in prison, and in fact it’s the chance for a new start. 

Which brings us to the title of this week’s blog. Like a bridge over troubled water Lynda provides a place of safety at Ambridge Hall, much to the disquiet of Robert who thinks in opening up their home to him there’s a danger of Blake doing something ‘barmy’ while he’s there. Robert cooks and Blake is disconcerted by the very small dinner, until it’s explained to him that it’s a starter, the main course is going to be spaghetti bolognese. Poor Blake’s obviously overwhelmed by the food, house and formality of the meal and in his confusion spills water all over the floor. He retreats to his room, or rather that’s what he says. He actually goes missing and Lynda and Robert go looking for him, but Robert accepts he may not want to be found.

Chelsea meanwhile thinks the accident is a chance to claim some compensation for the ‘whiplash’ which she’s suddenly realised she’s probably almost certainly got, ‘cause that’s wot you get after a crash innit. Tracey puts her daughter right on the matter telling her it’s the stupidest idea she’s ever heard - Blake hardly exists on any records and certainly won’t have insurance! There follows a lesson in consumerism because Chelsea just wants all the things that she sees other girls on Instagram have got but she can’t afford. Tracy says she needs to spend less time on social media and points out that the continual acquisition of more stuff isn’t the key to happiness. Just a thought but if she’s desperate for money, and as she’s such a good driver, maybe she should train to drive an HGV - I’ve heard there’s a shortage and the pay’s pretty good now.

Finally we get to an actual Archer. David and Josh have taken some Herefords to market and they run into Beth, who works there. Josh turns into a little puppy dog and insists on going to get Beth a cup of tea - he’s remembered how she takes it. Meanwhile Beth and David get talking and Beth tells him the she thinks Ben will make a great nurse and she won’t distract him from his studies. She also re-assures him that she’s nothing like her Dad, Vince! Josh returns with the tea, and a doughnut for good measure, and suggests she could pop round this afternoon after work.

Beth does pop round and is subjected to the third degree by the rest of the family but Beth takes it all in her stride, even though Jill twice calls her Evie. Beth even offers to make Jill a cake for her birthday although Josh (who has burst in unannounced to Ben’s room) thinks it’s a bad idea incase it’s better than one of Jill’s own cakes. Even so he bets her a tenner that she can’t make a cake that will seriously impress his grandmother. Beth’s confident though - so confident that she raises the stake to £100 and Josh falls for it - her practice cake is amazing! Josh calls it “genius in a cake” and Ben suddenly realises why he’s been hanging round so much - he fancies Beth, although he can’t get him to admit it.

Over at Home Farm Stella’s discussing her plan for next year’s crops and she wants to try companion cropping (looks like the agricultural story editor has woken up at last) to add nourishment to the soil and combat pests. Brian’s sceptical but Stella’s already bought the seed, much to his irritation, but she makes it clear to him that he hired her to manage the farm and doesn’t need micromanaging. She’s on top of the figures and has realised that when the current subsidies end (£100,000 a year) the farm will be in a perilous situation financially. Brian tries to blame Adam’s obsession with soil health but Stella brings him round saying that Adam’s left the farm in a good position to take advantage of the new sustainable farming incentive options (the agricultural story editor’s on fire this week). The bigger question for Stella though is knowing what Brian’s succession plan is. It will be no surprise to anyone that he doesn’t really have one.

Brian’s set up a meeting with Borsetshire Land to talk about renewing Home Farm’s contract, but as always he’s nervous about what Martyn Gibson will say. On top of that there’s the lack of succession plan and Alice’s divorce that might see part of the farm going to Chris. He mentions this to David who tells Brian how a friend of his lost half of his farm to his wife during his divorce. Brian asks how it ended up for his friend, and David tells him the farm was no longer viable so he sold up; which gives Brian an idea - “let’s just sell the whole damn lot”. 

Jenny’s not convinced but Brian says that if they sell the farm then everyone can have their share, be free to pursue their own interests and he can actually retire. But he still needs to convince his wife. How to do that? Oh yes, they can buy a big new house - no doubt with a brand new kitchen to match!

A Proper Night Out

A Cribbage Board

It’s the morning of the Flower and Produce Show and Jennifer’s apprehensive about the day ahead as she’s not sure how much the Ambridge grapevine has caught up with the news about Alice’s decision not to move back in with Chris. Brian lends her moral support and walks her down to the show where she will be helping out with the judging.

Jolene’s getting ready for the show by fiddling with her golden ivy and Kenton agrees it makes a most impressive centrepiece to her autumn-themed hanging basket. Eddie’s not pleased though as it will be going head to head with his and Clarrie’s entry, but a free pint from Jolene brings him round, and anyway he’s hopeful that his trimmed beetroot might bag him a prize. In the end Jolene ‘only’ gets highly commended but that’s better than Eddie’s trimmed beetroot that didn’t even get a third, in fact he hasn’t won anything at all. He couldn’t even win by nobbling half the village - all his efforts earned him was earache from Jennifer when she found out what he had been up to.

After judging, Jennifer takes to the microphone and rubs salt in Eddies’ wounds by announcing that Bert Fry has won the Freda Fry Memorial Cup - on top of his three first prizes. But wait, this year there’s an extra prize in memory of Joe Grundy - the entry that raised the biggest smile. No not Cecil Jackson’s eye-watering pickled shallots, but Poppy Grundy for her monkey on a plate collage.

With the show wrapped up until next year Jennifer pops in to see Chris at the workshop with a pair of pram shoes for Martha and tells him that she’s also popped a beef casserole in the freezer at The Nest. Then Amy pops in to say she’s bought Martha a sleep suit and Chris starts to worry that people are thinking that he can’t cope as a single parent. While Amy’s there he asks if she’d like to go out tomorrow night with him, Fallon and Harrison. Is that a date? 

They go to The Bull with Chris determined that he's going to have a ‘proper night out’, having been there since straight after work. His companions turn out to be lightweights and are soon on the coffee while Chris is sounding increasingly drunk. He gets so drunk in fact that Jolene asks him to leave and then Amy and Fallon have to help him home. Chris is staggering all over the place and throwing up but they finally get him home and have to put him in the recovery position on his bed incase he’s sick in his sleep (we’ve all been there). 

The incident that prompted Jolene to throw Chris involved him Cecil Jackson. Apparently before the girls turned up he was sitting with Cecil buying him drink after drink, before giving him a hug and asking the whole pub to toast the man with the smallest wallet but the biggest marrow in Ambridge, before tripping over and then losing his dinner over a cribbage board (I’d probably just throw that away - imagine trying to clean vomit out of all those little holes with a cocktail stick).

Amy gives Alice the heads-up and she finds him in the morning knowing only too well what he must be feeling like. She checks that he doesn’t want another drink and is relieved when he says the thought of it makes his stomach churn, as she would have reached for the bottle again. She tells him to take a shower while she looks after Martha and cooks him some breakfast. The irony of this role reversal isn’t lost on the pair of them and Chris tells Alice how impressed he is that she’s managing to stay dry.

The next day Alice is off to the stables to say goodbye to Banjo, and he’s pleased to see her. His new owner is an extremely accomplished rider called Rani Pershore but she won’t be picking him up until later so Shula suggests Alice takes him out for one last ride. Alice doesn’t think she deserves to because she feels she’s letting ‘Banj’ down but Shula says she needs to say a proper farewell to him. After the ride Alice grooms Banjo as he sighs appreciatively and tells Shula that she enjoyed it so much that she’d like to help Shula by taking the livery horses out now and then. 

Head clear after the ride Alice goes back to Willow cottage and promptly drops a bombshell on Brian and Jennifer - she and Chris are getting divorced. It’s her decision but knows it’s the best for everyone, and her and Chris will still be friends and good parents to Martha. Brian’s reaction is typical - Chris will be entitled to a share of Alice’s assets, especially if he’s awarded custody. And what assets are they I hear you ask? Well, her share of Home Farm of course!

Over on the Beechwood Estate Joy has spotted someone acting suspiciously outside her house and it bothers her. So is Joy’s neighbour Lee. Not only has he seen footprints outside his house, Johnny noticed strange goings-on when he was on the estate and found the side gate to Helen and Lee’s house open when there was nobody home. Lee thinks he know’s who’s been poking around and doesn’t waste any time getting Helen and the boys to safety, packing them all off to Bridge Farm. The school’s alerted as Helen agrees that it’s Rob making an unwelcome return and is going to try and abduct his son Jack again (he kidnapped him 4 years ago but was foiled by Helen - see He’s Out Of My Life Forever).

They also contact the police, for what good that will do. When he fled to America the police said they would flag him as a person of interest should he try to return to the UK - so that worked then. Whatever Rob does next Lee’s convinced that they’ll have to stop him themselves - keep those knives sharp and handy Helen. Tony goes round to put up a security camera while under Joy’s unwanted supervision but she does come in handy though as a test subject to ensure the cameras’ movement sensor works. 

I suppose at the very least having a Joy Horville early warning system on your house would come in very useful indeed.

Like Father, Like Son

Trevor Harrison (Eddie Grundy)

Last week we were wondering where Kenton had got to, when lo and behold he pops up right at the start of this weeks’ episodes. Eddie and Oliver are drinking cider and discussing Eddie’s plan to win the Freda Fry Memorial Cup at the Flower and Produce show in the honour of his late father, Joe. Eddie’s been working his way round the village dissuading (or ‘taking out’) people from entering and thinks he has a pretty clear run enabling him to scoop enough firsts to win the ultimate prize. Oliver calls it ‘nobbling’ and isn’t happy, probably because he’s a decent sort of chap, so you can imagine what he thinks when Eddie suggests he has a word with Kenton about withdrawing from the hanging basket competition. 

Oliver pops into The Bull to pop the question but completely fluffs it, saying how sad he is which leads Kenton and Jolene to think he’s talking about lockdown. After this he hasn’t the heart to ask them to withdraw, which he eventually confesses to Eddie, but Eddie doesn’t accept failure so lightly and tells Oliver they’ll go round in the morning and he’ll show him how it’s done. Eddie lays it on thick as he chokes back the tears, but Kenton’s not having any of it - the competition means a lot to The Bull too - but says he’ll have a word with Jolene - which he also fluffs. It takes Fallon to bring him to his senses when she points out that he’s is in effect talking about standing aside for Joe Grundy when Joe is someone who had conned him out of more free pints than he can remember. Which brings us to this weeks’ title, like father like son. Spurred on by this he tells Jolene that they’re going to wipe the floor with Eddie Grundy and his hanging baskets!

It’s a big week for Jennifer as Alice’s spell in rehab is coming to an end. Jennifer goes round to see Peggy as a first step in reconciling their relationship after Jennifer blamed her for making Alice’s situation worse. Peggy wants to give her a prayer card she’s had in her bag for 50 years as she thinks now is the perfect time to pass it on. It was given to her by a chaplain at the sanatorium that looked after her first husband, Jennifer’s father. It’s the Fishermans’ Prayer - dear God be good to me, the sea is so wide and my boat is so small.

Jennifer and Chris go to see Alice at her rehab clinic, and by their reaction she’s looking very well. Alice has been keeping a diary and but it’s full of spaces as she’s blanked so much of what happened out. Alices’ counsellor, Luke, is keen to go through the impact letters that Jennifers brought with her. Jennifer starts. I’ll spare you the details but halfway through Alice needs a break. Chris goes next but his letter is very short, or it is now after he crossed most of it out. They both feel drained but positive that there may be good news ahead as Alice seems so well. But Alice may have other ideas as she’s not sure she wants to go home at all.

Over at the tea room it’s all hands on deck as they’ve under-catered for a 75th birthday party - not Fallon’s fault but the organiser’s. They need more help (Harrison’s proved to be useless in the kitchen) so Fallon calls in a favour from Jennifer who jumps at the chance of a distraction and predictably takes over and gets the team running like clockwork. Fallon sees that it did her good to do something different, and makes up a story about a diary clash to persuade her to take over judging from her at the Flower and Produce show. Jenny’s not sure at first but in the end sees it as symbolic of new beginnings now that Alice has the opportunity to make a fresh start.

Alice comes back to Ambridge and has a heart to heart with Emma who tries to convince her that going back to Chris would be best, and is she really going to rely on help from everyone else but the man she loves? Yes, she does, but it’s breaking her heart. When Alice turns up at The Nest she finds that Chris has put up a ‘welcome home’ banner and she holds Martha for the first time in ages while Chris cooks dinner - a Thai curry. After dinner Chris shows Alice Martha’s memory box including a drawing he did of Martha asleep. It reminds Alice of all the time she wasted and all the times she made Chris miserable, but Chris is determined to be a family again and asks Alice to come home. Alice is not moving back in yet, preferring to stay at Willow Cottage. In fact she might not move back at all as she thinks she has to continue fighting her addiction on her own, to the point of giving up on her marriage.

Another marriage showing the strain is Ian and Adams’.There’s cross words at Honeysuckle cottage as an exhausted Adam is struggling to keep awake when he should be looking after Xander. Ian calls during his shift at Grey Gables but Xander answers (he’s 2 remember) because Adam’s fast asleep. When Ian returns in a hurry he finds their son on his own in the kitchen surrounded by knives, spilled milk, jam and cereal.

Adam thinks he just needs more rest but Ian thinks it’s also the job as his boss doesn’t have a background in farming and seems to be a bit of a handful - for example going against Adam’s advice in favour of things he’s seen on the internet. He’s also texting in the evening and asking Adam to do extra hours including giving up a Saturday. The pair rack their brains looking for a solution and Ian suggests they move.

I think I’ve got the answer as it’s clearly another case of like father like son. Next time leave out a stool so Xander can reach the hob and make a start on dinner as he’s clearly showing signs of inheriting Ians’ talents in the kitchen.

Will Chris Migrate Back To His Nest?

Wilf Scolding (Chris Carter)

We have a big mystery on our hands this week. No, not what’s happened to Kenton who’s been missing in action for the best part of this year, even missing the village fete, but the disappearance of Susan’s green lasagne dish. Could Kenton have made off with it? Oh hang on, it’s not a mystery, Shula’s still got it from when Neil took a lasagne round to her when she broke her arm. Susan goes round to collect it and grills Shula on what exactly Neil has been doing round there all this time when she was on her knees with the exhaustion of it all. Don’t worry Susan I don’t think Shula was on her knees, as much as Neil would have wanted her to be, he maybe just wanted to spend time somewhere more peaceful than at home.

When Neil comes in exhausted from a shift at the piggery, he walks into an atmosphere as cold as Susan’s pantry. He’s expecting his dinner to be on but instead Susan’s busy cleaning the oven. He suggests making a start and Susan asks why he doesn’t make her his special lasagne. He says they might have it on at The Bull if she fancies going out but she says she hates lasagne - especially his! He hasn’t got a clue what’s going on so storms off to the pub to get some anyway.

When Neil makes a determined effort to find out what’s wrong (can he really be that insensitive?) Susan doesn’t help. Instead of asking whether he and Shula are having an affair, she comes at it completely left field by asking how he felt when Shula fell off her horse. The answer, obviously, is shocked, upset and worried as well as guilty that he might have contributed to it because she was on the phone to him when she fell. Her follow up question is how did he feel on his subsequent visits to Shula’s? Susan’s point is that he’d rather spend time with Shula than with her, and finally she asks the question - “are you in love with Shula?”. Outraged, Neil tells Susan that she’s the woman he loves, she’s been his ‘better half’ for 37 years, and that’s the way it’ll be until the day he dies. Shula is his friend but Susan is his lover and soul-mate. 

Neil then turns it back on Susan asking whether it’s more of a case that she feels differently about him now, but no - she’ll never stop loving him she says.Neil feels compelled to go round to the stables and apologise to Shula for not listening to her warnings about the gossip in the village and says that he won’t be dropping in unannounced any more, but if she needs him, she knows where he is. “Look after yourself” she whispers longingly as he leaves.

Amy Franks is back from Nottingham for a visit and her and Chris exchange notes about Alice, Martha and Amy’s experience of being a midwife during COVID. Later on she gets to meet Martha and takes her to the playground with Chris. Chris and Amy have a bit of a heart-to-heart and he tells her that he’s planning to move out of Ambridge View and into a place of his own - well actually his own place - The Nest, the former holiday cottage that he and Alice had made their home. He’s interrupted by an email from Alice’s rehab clinic (she’s due out next week) suggesting he pays her a visit together with Jennifer. The idea is that they and Brian write letters to Alice saying how her drinking affected them and then read them out to her now she’s sober. Apparently this will be a vital part of her recovery but Brian’s not convinced, thinking that if they set out exactly what Alice’s drinking has done to them all, the guilt will cripple her and they'll be back to square one. He can’t get her words out of his head - “I hate you Dad I hate you!”.

Ben takes Beth up Lakey Hill for a picnic. She tells him how her ex-boyfriend had had a fling with her best friend and goes on to say how she doesn’t understand how people can be so fake with their relationships (like Ben finishing with Evie so he can go out with you, you mean). She fancies going for a swim in the Am but Ben says the river Perch would be better and they make a date for next Wednesday. When Wednesday comes round Beth dares him to go skinny-dipping and holds out a bottle of gin she’s brought along as an incentive. But first Chris feels that he has to come clean about ending his relationship with Evie and sounds genuinely contrite but Beth appreciates his honesty and as punishment pushes him into the river fully clothed.

Eddie’s feeling maudlin as it would have been Joe’s 100th birthday soon, and he would have been busy helping get things ready for the turkey season as this year’s poults arrive. Oliver suggests a special cider club celebration in his honour but Eddie’s not in the mood. He does have idea of how to win big (by cheating of course) at the upcoming Flower and Produce show but  first he has a job to do as Joy Horville is calling in the ‘relaxing treat’ she exchanged for the prize she won at the village fete - a mystery tour in Eddie’s limousine. 

Much to Eddie’s horror she doesn’t take up position in the back, but up front in the passenger seat right next to him, where she says they can have a lovely chat. Eddie tries to get out of it without success so has no choice but to go ahead, with the theme being (which he makes up on the spot) modern rural life. What does that mean? Well, a visit to the market to see the sheep auction, a sausage and egg sandwich from a roadside tea wagon, and some free labour topping up his poults’ food and water.

Hi have to say that Joy is turning to to be one of the more dependable characters in Ambridge and seems able to fit in wherever she goes and whoever she meets. Apart from her ability to talk the hind legs off a donkey, she doesn’t seem to be a bad neighbour to have. But of course Eddie only sees a situation of which he can take advantage, and when she mentions that she will be entering the Flower and Produce Show Eddie asks in which categories. When she tells him he tries pulling on her heartstrings by saying that they’re the ones that his grandchildren Keira and Mia are entering and have set their hearts on winning, in memory of their great grandad Joe who always dreamed of winning but never did. It looks like his plan is working as Joy says that in that case she might miss this years’ show, but judging on past events, I wouldn’t be surprised if she manages to teach Eddie a much-needed lesson or two.

There’s No Accounting For Taste

Simon Williams & Sunny Ormonde (Justin Elliott & Lilian Bellamy)

Justin and Lilian have got a few bob to spend from the sale of a barn and Lilian has seen an opportunity to by a first class bay horse (more commonly known in non-horsey circles as a brown one) and has engaged Jakob to give it the once-over. Justin is irritated by this as he’s arranged a short break for them both to the Isle of Wight and he’s worried about missing their ferry. Adding to his irritation is the fact that it’s a Sunday so Jakob’s fee is going to be astronomical on top of the hundreds of thousands for the nag itself. Despite the King’s ransom he’ll be paid, Jakob is irritated as well, mainly due to Justin and Lilian’s attempts to get him to hurry up. They should know by now, as do we, that Jakob’s not the hurrying type, especially as the horse, Double Bill, is the most valuable animal he’s ever assessed. Lilian tries turning on the charm to get Jakob to tip her the wink (does she know him at all?) but he insists on being thorough by requesting blood tests and an ultrasound, which will take hours. Justin and Lilian depart with a request to be contacted as soon as the results are in.

Once ensconced in the ferry’s bar they start to unwind with a couple of G&T’s (I hope the bar’s well stocked) and Justin lets on about his real intentions for their trip. He thinks that instead of sinking their funds in an eventer they should instead buy a yacht! Apparently eventing was his ex-wife Miranda’s thing and that’s put him off for life, whereas he thinks Lilian would rather re-kindle her apparent love of sailing. Furthermore he thinks that Damara and Amside should have their own racing team and they could travel the world. For ‘love of sailing’ read ‘over exaggerated boasting to Mandy Beesborough about her sailing prowess’ so, how do you get out of this one Lilian? 

Lilian’s plan is to beat Justin to the post and buy the horse before Justin has a chance to buy a yacht, but Jakob’s taking longer than expected to report the results. To further pile on the pressure, when they meet the broker Nancy in Cowes, she turns out to be one of Lilian’s old acquaintances from her sailing days out of Guernsey. We learn that Lilian used to be called Lighthouse Lil, because she used to glow after a few drinks (and not because she was a navigational aid to passing sailors although she may have been that too). Out of earshot of Justin Nancy can’t resist reminding Lilian about an incident that happened last time she was in a boat - something about a phantom walrus of all things.

Nancy shows the pair around a couple of boats and Justin is very impressed with the woodwork and overall craftsmanship, while Lilian is very dismissive. Alongside this, Nancy is simultaneously bigging-up Lilian’s abilities saying that her piloting skills are something to be believed, while flattering and fawning all over Justin and extolling the prospect of relaxing between races on a fully-crewed yacht. It’s when Nancy starts picking her up on her boating terminology that Lilian starts to bite (fair enough, even I know the pointy end is the stern - or is it the bow?) and is compelled to spill the beans. Apparently the incident with the fictitious walrus, that incidentally turned out be a rock, resulted in their keel being ripped off and having to be rescued by a lifeboat. She was never, she confesses, a very good sailor and in fact positively hated it - she was only trying to fit in with the crowd.

So it’s back to the horse and Jakob’s got some preliminary results through and it’s not good news. Double Bill has got a serious case of PSD (Proximal Suspensory Desmitis) in both hind legs which would require surgery to prevent it developing into lameness. Lilian is at a loss to how it wasn’t obvious when they saw the horse but Jakob has found out why - it had been doped with bute (phenylbutazone), an anti-inflammatory drug which would have disguised the problem. So that’s the yacht and the horse out of the picture, so what to spend the money on? 

Alistair has agreed to look after a West Highland Terrier called Mousse owned by an elderly client of his while she’s in hospital having a dodgy foot seen to. Alistair warns Jazzer about the Westie’s attitude just as she’s sinking her teeth into him. On the other hand she’s all over Jazzer, demanding belly rubs and ear skritches, which is a good thing as later on Alistair is incapable of looking after her at the surgery because she won’t leave Jakob alone. Alistair brings Mousse back to Greenacres for Jazzer to look after and discovers that far from having a problem with strangers, Mousse just seems to have a problem with Alistair, as she runs straight to Tracy for more fussing. Mousse isn’t a fan of the classics either which she demonstrates by knocking over and smashing Jim’s Cicero mug - you know, the one with “De gustibus non disputandum est!” written on it - that was a present from his last tutor group.

Jakob hasn’t been handling the pressure of assessing Double Bill very well and takes it out on his practice nurse Denise, saying that she’s even more annoying than ‘that stupid dog’ mousse. This is the last straw for Denise who’s had to put up with Jakob’s lack of manners for the past two years, and she quits. It’s obvious that he’s never appreciated her - when he’s looking for sample pots he eludes that running round after him gave her something to do in-between looking after hamsters! His penance is to take his share of looking after her small animal clinic - first up is a rat with mites - and he then has to ring Denise to apologise, hoping she’ll come back.

Denise comes in to the practice and Jakob starts a grovelling apology which is interrupted by Lilian bursting in bearing one of Underwoods’ finest summer hampers as a thank-you for doing such a thorough job over Double Bill, saving her shed-loads of money. Back to the apology and Jakob starts to make the situation worse but pulls it out of the bag at the last minute when he realises that continuing to see clients would make the fact that Denise’s children are leaving home more bearable. Alistair makes it a double-whammy by suggesting she re-homes Mousse as her owner has had to go into a nursing home and the alternative would be taking her to the pet rescue.

By the way, before you reach for your old school Latin-English dictionary, the slogan on Jim’s mug roughly translates as “there’s no accounting for taste”, which pretty well sums up the various storylines in this week’s episodes.

Finis.

Out With Evie, In With Beth

Rebecca Fuller (Beth Casey)

Elizabeth and Lily are getting ready for the Casey wedding. So is David as he’s trying to get everything ready - he’s even agreed to Steph’s request to be greeted by two ewes on arrival. It’s fallen on Roooooth to sort that out and is relying on Elizabeth to give her the heads-up when they’re on their way. Vince, meanwhile, is making furrows in the lawn with his relentless pacing up and down as he worries about seeing his estranged daughter Beth and her ‘waste of space’ boyfriend Nathan.

At the reception the champagne’s flowing and judging by Lily’s critique of the other guests it’s quite the trashy affair. There are facelifts and tattooed eyebrows galore and Steph’s dress is covered in 50,000 hand-sewn crystals (really?) and Vince’s exes are getting hammered. There’s no mention of how groom Liam is dressed - I’m imagining a man-bun, stubble, open necked shirt and loafers with no socks.

Beth and Elizabeth get talking. To be honest, on conversation alone, Beth seems to be the more well-adjusted of the Casey daughters. I warmed to her right from the moment she called David an ‘old dude’ in-front of Roooooth and Elizabeth. Liz turns out to be a mediator between Beth and her father Vince and persuades Beth to approach him. We learn that Beth and Nathan have split up, and Beth concedes that her father may have had a point about him, admitting that he was ‘a total loser’. 

Over at Home Farm they’re setting up a conference call with Debbie so that they can all interview the two shortlisted candidates for the new farm manager - Barnaby and Stella. We’re not included to the actual interviews, but the outcome is that everyone wants to give the job to Stella, except that is Brian, who wants Barnaby to have it. Kate calls Barnaby a mini-Brian and Jennifer agrees saying that he had ‘no spark’ and wasn’t bringing any new ideas. Kate smells a rat and discovers that Brian had encouraged him to apply, and he must have thought it was in the bag. Brian’s hurt that he didn’t get his way and excuses himself sharply to do some ‘real farming’.

When Stella arrives at Home Farm to discuss terms she says all the right things, but drives a hard bargain over her salary, asking for 10 percent more to cover her accommodation costs (her last job included a place to live). Brian counters with 5 percent but when Stella expresses doubts Jennifer offers 7.5 and has her hand bitten off. Brian’s ego is bruised and feels surplus to requirements as effectively all the decisions over the recruitment process were made by the rest of the family. 

Josh has signed a deal with Borsetshire Catering to supply them with eggs but have given them a massive discount, and plans to recoup the profits later. Ben’s got something on his mind, or rather someone - he’s fallen for Beth Casey and can’t deal with it as he’s still going out with Evie, his girlfriend of nearly a year now. His brother Josh wisely counsels him not to rush into something he might regret. Pip picks up on his mood too and it turns out that Josh has already spilled the beans on his younger brothers’ love life. He’s tormenting himself as he can’t decide what to do and pleads with Pip to make the decision for him. While she doesn’t exactly do that, she says that if Ben’s having doubts about Evie then maybe he should follow his instincts. He doesn’t even know how to break up with her so gets Pip’s advice on that too, and then wastes no time in going off to do the deed. It goes as well as expected of course, with a tearful Evie taking it very badly. Ben other the other hand is straight on the phone to Beth.

Christopher is noticing that his parents don’t seem to be getting on as well as normal and puts it down to the stress of looking after Martha and comments that they never take time to relax together. Neil thinks it will blow over and tells Chris as much, but Susan thinks it goes deeper than that and confides in Pat that she thinks their relationship is in trouble - “it’s like somethings coming between us” she says. Speaking of which, Neil runs into Shula and she apologies for how she spoke to him a couple of weeks ago. She asks about Alice and while explaining what’s happening he tells Shula how much he’s missed her - and then starts to break down. Shula’s advice is the same as Pats’ - making an effort to spend more time together.

That opportunity soon arises as Christopher has a surprise for his parents. He, Emma and Tracy are treating them to a meal at Grey Gables so they can spend a night with each other in peace and quiet. In fact the dinner is very peaceful and very quiet as they struggle to make conversation together, and what conversation they do make is like treading on eggshells (and if it’s Josh’s eggs the shells will be very fragile indeed unless his hen’s have made a speedy recovery from their Bronchitis). It’s hardly the most dynamic piece of radio drama you’ll hear, but the sound effects department certainly earn their money with the full-on generic restaurant ambience, although I’d have appreciated them reigning in Susan and Neil’s eating noises a bit (I think they may have re-used an old recording of Neil feeding his pigs).

Nothing much of note happens until Neil mentions Shula and the sudden drop of temperature in the room is palpable and it’s remarkable that Neil doesn’t pick up on Susan’s change in tone. She puts down her knife and fork and he asks if there’s something wrong with her food. “No Neil, something’s wrong with us” and cites the awkward silences and chit-chat to pass the time instead of proper conversation as evidence. Is it tiredness as Neil suggests or is there a more fundamental problem? They skip desert and go home early, much to Chris’s surprise, and while Neil stays up with a hot chocolate in front of the telly, it’s straight to bed for Susan.

A more enjoyable dinner is had by Lily and Russ, who are over at No.6 The Green where they are Tracey and Jazzers’ guests. Far from Russ’s prediction of a miserable evening spent over a Pot Noodle supper, Tracy impresses with a chicken dish the details of which we are not privy too. Perhaps this is a teaser for a Tracy Horrobin cookbook - it would make a nice companion to the Jennifer Aldridge cookbook which I recently snapped up for £1 at a local village fete. Lily, who is barely older than Chelsea, suggests she might be motivated by the chance to take driving lessons, which out of financial necessity, Tracy will deliver.

I remember when Lily herself was learning to drive and Kenton took her and Freddie out for a lesson. I think ‘shell-shocked’ was his reaction. Let’s hope that Chelsea is a better student and Tracy a more competent instructor!