Well, I Suppose The Car Needed A Good Run…

John Rowe (Jim Lloyd)

On Tuesday, the three amigos (Jim, Alistair and Jazzer) set off for the frozen north for Harold Jayston’s funeral. Alistair is driving and Jazzer starts quizzing Alistair about his date of birth, likes and dislikes and preferences regarding types of women. Alistair wants to know why he wants to know and Jazzer replies that he is signing Alistair up to a dating App - it’s time he got back in the saddle.

Alistair protests, but we learn later that he was just playing along and trying to pass the time on the long trek north. When they arrive at the inn that Jim has chosen, Jazzer confesses that he was just winding Alistair up and Jim thanks his son for going along with the pretence, as he knew Alistair was trying to protect him from the forthcoming ordeal.

They have a meal and a drink and prepare themselves for the next day’s funeral. On arrival at the church, they are appalled to see vast crowds having turned out for HJ’s interment and a show of flowers akin to the tributes to Princess Diana (OK, I could be accused of exaggeration here). Whatever, it proves too much for Jim and he says that he cannot do this, and could they leave. Jazzer suggests a drink (surely not?) and Jim wants to get well away from the town where HJ dwelt. 

Jim apologises for leading them on a wild goose chase and wants to pay for the drinks - what about the overnight stay, meals, drinks and petrol? - but Alistair won’t hear of it. In the end, the three decide that, rather than waste the whole trip, they will stay another night and go to visit a Roman fort on the morrow. Morning comes and Jazzer and Alistair are complimenting the breakfast when they realise that Jim is missing. They get his room checked out and he is not there - his bed is made and his bag packed, but no Jim.

Cut to the cemetery, where we find Jim surveying HJ’s grave (and, oddly enough, not dancing on it). He is disturbed by a visitor (whom we later learn is called Michael). Michael asks if this is HJ’s grave and, on learning that it is, he says that he has come to spit on it. The pair converse and it turns out that Michael too was abused by HJ in his youth. Furthermore, he has never told anyone (and he has a wife and five children) of his ordeal. Jim urges him to trust his family and says how much his family’s support has meant to him. Jim also gives Michael his contact details and says he can be contacted any time - day or night. To make the weekend complete, when Jim gets in touch with Alistair and Jazzer, he says that he will forgo the Roman fort and can they go straight home, please? As we said at the opening, the car could probably have used a long run. 

Let’s turn to someone who has not featured much recently - step forward Ian Craig, erstwhile chef at Grey Gables, who is on nine months’ paternity leave. Ian is visited by Freddie, who is keeping Ian abreast of happenings at G-G while Ian is looking after son Xander. Freddie tells Ian about the team-building exercise, led by Kate, but Ian is more interested about what stand-in chef Hugh is doing in Ian’s kitchen.

Freddie hands Ian a copy of Hugh’s latest menu and Ian is appalled - Beef Wellington? What is this - 1972? When Adam comes back from work, Ian suggests a night out. Where? How about Grey Gables? The couple turn up and Ian is critical about everything on the menu. “Steak Pie?” he exclaims. “I quite fancy steak pie” Adam says. The evening continues, with Ian continually criticising the food and presentation. “That sauce was so - obvious” he says. When it comes to bill time, Ian says that he should pay, as he asked Adam out, and the Irishman is horrified to see that Hugh has put the meal on the house. “Damn his generosity!” says a frustrated Ian.

Helen is keen for Ian to meet Lee, as she would like her best friend to meet her lover. Ian turns up with Xander and, when Lee arrives, it quickly becomes apparent that the two men have very little in common, apart from affection for Helen. The conversation is awkward and, when Lee has left, Helen asks Ian what went wrong? Ian says that they had little in common, but Lee seems a nice guy and is obviously crazy about Helen.

On the subject of love and romance, we have the ongoing saga of Kirsty and Philip. He proposed, she accepted, but then she began to get stressed over the preparations, especially when her mother started talking about the numbers of relatives that would need to be invited. Phil noticed that Kirsty’s enthusiasm was waning and asked her what was the matter? She told him and he replied that they didn’t have to get married. “But we’ve told everyone now” Kirsty says. 

“So what? What I want is for both of us to be happy.” Philip answers, and he gets down on one knee and un-proposes, asking her if she’d do him the honour of not being his wife? She accepts and feels better and less stressed already. But how will they tell everybody?  Not a problem, Philip says, adding “This is Ambridge, after all.”

A happy ending - you reckon? Kirsty meets up with Helen and tells her that the wedding is off. Helen is horrified - after all Kirsty said about Helen to stop faffing around about Lee, she’s pulling out?

“Men like Philip don’t come along that often” Helen says, and goes on to tell Kirsty that she should live her life for herself and not for what others think. There is reference to the aborted wedding when Tom left Kirsty at the altar and Helen urges her to go ahead; “Don’t let the past spoil your future” she tells her friend. If we fast forward to the end of the week, we find Kirsty and Phil embracing - she has decided that they should, in fact, get married; it wasn’t that she doesn’t love Philip and didn’t want to marry him, but that she couldn’t put up with all the fuss and palaver of the build-up to the ceremony. Why don’t they just slip off on holiday, find a couple of witnesses and return home married? I hope you are listening and learning, Gavin, you parasite.

Elsewhere, you start to wonder about Josh - is he shady or just bloody stupid? Rex meets Toby at Brookfield; Rex is preparing to take his pigs to the abattoir and has given them every luxury that a doomed porker could expect. Toby is worried that the experience might be too much for his brother and, when Rex returns in a foul mood, Toby asks if it went OK with the pigs? Rex’s answer is along the lines of ‘sod the pigs - a farmer said that I had stolen his trailer, which went missing last summer - he recognised it from a dent in the front.’

Toby said that should be easy to confirm - just check the chassis number. Rex thinks he should have thought of that and looks. Where the number should be is a space where an angle grinder has been used to obliterate the number. “I’ll kill him!” shouts Rex, adding: “Josh has got some big explaining to do.” He returns, with Josh having explained that the farmer must have made a mistake. I am worried here, as Rex has already been spoken to by the police with reference to the digger used in the ATM raid , and now he is being accused of theft (the farmer said that he was going to contact the police). Take care, Rex.

A brief digression here - Natasha is worn out travelling to her admin hub (office) in Basingstoke and back to Ambridge every day. She and Tom are having a cocktail mixing experience one evening and she falls asleep. Tom wakes her up and she goes off on one, shouting and ranting that it‘s easy for Tom - his work is on his doorstep. 

Later, she apologises and says that, while she cannot physically move her orchards, she can move the admin to Ambridge and spend more time with Tom. Personally, I fail to recognise any advantage in this, although I suppose it does spare her a twice-daily commute.

Now we come to the main story of the week and, yes, I’m sorry, it’s the saga of The Bull vs. The B@Ambridge. It may not have escaped your notice that this weekend included Burns’ Night and The B@Ambridge has organised a number of events (Burns’ Night Bop’, Burns’ Night supper with addressing the haggis and a quiz) to tempt punters in.

Many of Ambridge residents are very anti the name change and, at the Cider Club on Sunday, Eddie has a light bulb moment when Jazzer wonders whether or not he should pull out of his agreement to play the bagpipes in The Bull. “Oh yes,” says Eddie; “That’ll really show them how people feel.”

Eddie’s idea is to run a rival selection of Burns’ weekend’s events to The B@Ambridge. He manages to poach Jazzer as the piper and The Bull brainstorms ideas to fight back, one of which is to offer a free drink to anybody wearing tartan. Lilian suggests a Scottish-themed male stripper, but Jolene and Fallon put their feet down when Lilian says perhaps Harrison would do it (he used to strip to make money when a student).

The result is an overwhelming victory for Grange Farm over the weekend. The Bull did try to drum up trade by having Roman as a comic Scottish waiter, but this was offset by Tracy negotiating free meals and drinks for her and Roman throughout the evening. When they come to cash up. Jolene, Emma and Fallon are appalled at the size of Tracy’s bar tab and it has been a financial disaster. On the other hand, Eddie remarks to Clarrie that the enterprise has made them a fair wedge. She is worried that Eddie will want to do this every year and warns him that if they take this too far, they could put the pub out of business.

I have a suggestion - put The Bull on the market (I’m sure AmSide could develop it for housing and it would be a nice little nest egg for Kenton, Jolene and Lilian) and, if the anti-name change brigade backs down, then continue to run it as a pub, on the express condition that Eddie Grundy is barred as a customer sine die.

I Think You’ve Put Your Finger On It, Lilian

Sunny Ormonde (Lilian Bellamy)

The renaming of The Bull (henceforth to be referred to as ‘The B@Ambridge’) appears to be polarising opinions - some of the villagers think it is the thin end of the wedge, barbarians at the gates, what things are coming to… and so on, while many cannot see what all the fuss is about and, frankly, couldn’t give a toss. Lynda Snell is definitely in the former camp, as she tells Lilian when the latter comes into the shop, carrying a poster advertising their Burns’ Night weekend. Among the attractions are haggis and neeps, a Scottish breakfast and (and I predict a less-popular event) Jazzer playing the bagpipes.

With a sniff, Lynda observes that Lilian has put ‘The B@Ambridge’ at the top of the poster - something that Lynda describes as ‘presumptuous’, as she, and, she claims, most other people in the village, are dead set against the idea. For her part, Lilian says she is fed up with all the moaning, but Lynda describes the decision to rename the hostelry as “undemocratic” and tells Lilian that she has started a petition. 

Lilian says that Lynda hardly ever goes to the pub and, if she feels so strongly about the matter, why doesn’t she support the pub with her custom? That should keep the customers away in droves, if you ask me - imagine rocking up at the bar and finding Lynda there. “You haven’t heard the last of this” Lynda tells Lilian, as the latter leaves.

And Lynda is absolutely right, as she later seeks out Lilian to bend her ear. The pub, says Lynda, is the lifeblood of the village, to which Lilian retorts that they are only changing the name, for heaven’s sake, but Lynda is in full flow by now and witters on about how important it is to value history and tradition. Lilian is getting pretty teed off and challenges Lynda to produce the petition. This she doesn’t do, but warns Lilian that she would be surprised at some of the names on it and she might be in danger of losing some of the loyal customers that she says she values so much. She “would be foolish to ignore the petition.”

Lilian has had enough by now and says “You just can’t resist meddling in other people’s affairs, can you?” She goes on to call Lynda “sad and bitter, just because the Christmas show got along perfectly well without you” and that Jim got all the applause. “People like you have been holding back the village for years with your petty regulations and nimby attitudes - we are changing the name whether you like it or not.” Well said Lilian - you are spot on in my opinion, as this week’s blog title suggests.

Talking of the name change, Lilian is a bit apprehensive about informing Peggy of their intention and, when the couple meet, Lilian gabbles on until Peggy says “Lilian, please let me speak.” Peggy goes on to say that she understands that things sometimes have to move on and she’s sure that Lilian, Jolene and Kenton have made what they think is the correct decision. Lilian is somewhat taken aback and tells Peggy that she realises that she should never underestimate her mother. 

Perhaps she shouldn’t underestimate Lynda either - speaking before her run-in with Lynda, and after her conversation with Peggy, Lilian tells Justin what Peggy said. He praised Peggy’s attitude and advised Lilian to stick to her guns; “This issue will disappear” he tells her. Hmm - we can only wait and see.

Over at Greenacres, the builders have returned to work (presumably Jim has been bound hand and foot and locked away). Actually, he wanders the village and, when Shula comes into the shop, he asks if she’d like a coffee at the Tea Room. The pair talk and Jim is unusually sympathetic, asking about Shula’s Ordination process. She admits that she is worried about having to give a presentation to a panel of clerics, but Jim says he is sure that she will cope and Shula replies that it has really helped to talk to him. Jim is reflective, saying: “Confronting one’s fears is sometimes the only way to move on, so if that’s what it takes, so be it.”

Later in the week, Alistair and Jim are talking and Jim warns his son that he is not going to change his mind about going to Harold’s funeral, plus he is looking at B&Bs in the area, as it’s too far for a return day trip. Alistair says that he has no intention of trying to change Jim’s mind, but he suggests that Jim starts looking for accommodation for three people, as he and Jazzer want to accompany Jim on his visit - Jim has had more than enough of facing this situation “So from now on, you’ll have me and Jazzer on your side.” I was expecting arch-pedant Jim to correct him by saying ‘you mean Jazzer and I’ but he is deeply touched, telling his son “You don’t know how much that means to me. I really wasn’t expecting it…I’d really appreciate the company.”

Kirsty was centre stage in a number of last week’s episodes - she wanted her mother to be the first to know about her engagement, but no chance in Ambridge (I wouldn’t be surprised if Philip had spelt it out in Christmas lights) and Kirsty and mother Megan had a cosy lunch at the Orangery. Megan spent most of the meal bad-mouthing Tom, which some might say shows good character judgement.

Before we talk further about Kirsty, we should mention Tom - he heard about Kirsty’s engagement and went round to see her, bearing a congratulatory bottle of champagne. The house is full of cards and flowers and Tom apologises for all he put Kirsty through. “We’re different people now” she tells him and the patronising git says “Don’t ever stop looking after one another”, which is pretty rich, coming from a prospective groom who abandoned his fiancée at the altar.

But back to Kirsty. The builders are in at Greenacres and Alistair asks Kirsty if he can use her and Phil’s bath (no water at Greenacres). He emerges from the en-suite, to find Phil’s son Gavin, hunting through a wardrobe. Gavin’s story is that he had been asked by Philip to look at something on his dad’s laptop and he makes various snide remarks to Kirsty about “your lover boy.” “Naughty, naughty Kirsty” the nasty git continues. Enraged, Kirsty tells him to sling his hook - why didn’t she ask him to give back the key that he used to get into the house? I don’t wish him any harm, but I hope his plans for a wedding in Bali go nads up before money changes hands. Re-reading that, I suppose it could be argued that I do, in fact wish him harm. So be it; the slimy nematode deserves it.

It is time to talk about Kate (he said, with heavy heart). In our last blog, we related how she persuaded (‘bullied’ and ‘conned’ are such pejorative words, aren’t they?) Oliver into booking the entire staff of Grey Gables into Spiritual Home for a team-bonding exercise. The reason is the increasing bad feeling among the staff, caused by the blackjack gambling frenzy in the G-G staff room, which has resulted in sums of money being won and lost and much bad feeling, leading to members of staff refusing to share shifts with certain colleagues.

Ignoring the question ’How do they give all the staff the same day off?’ we arrive at the fateful day. Freddie arrives early and is given a flea in his ear by Kate, who doesn’t want him there because he gave drugs to her daughter Noluthando. Freddie replies that his boss, Oliver, told him he had to be there - Kate says she will take the matter up with Oliver when he arrives, but it turns out that Freddie is required to take part, so he stays.

The others arrive, and the first ones are Lynda and Tracy, arguing about the Bull name change. Others turn up later and there is much bickering. Kate bangs on about how she has identified a lot of negativity at Grey Gables and letting go of this is an integral part of today’s activities. By the way, I feel constrained to warn readers that those who don’t like pretension, jargon and garbage should stop reading now.

Still here? Good for you. The team-building day starts as a disaster and soon gets worse. Everybody is bickering and Freddie remarks to Kate “I reckon you’ve got your work cut out today.” Kate tells the participants about the purpose of today’s team-building; at the end of the day “your energies will have been re-calibrated into an harmonious whole” (I did warn you about pretension).

Everyone is cold, bored, angry and totally pissed-off. It’s time for lunch, which is a wholesome lentil bake with steamed vegetables or salad - just what you need when it’s freezing. Everyone agrees that they have had a totally miserable day and, when Kate reads out the comments that the participants had made about each other (supposedly anonymously) there is a general revolt among the attendees. Some of them mutter about the injuries they have received and Kate is concerned when there are mutterings about suing for these.

In the end, Kate is extremely lucky, when, at the end of the day, Lynda comes to her rescue by saying that Kate has, in fact, been very clever because she has unified the staff by turning them against Kate; yeah, right. The others buy all this guff, but Kate redeems herself by keeping Freddie back after everybody has gone (quickly) home and telling him that she realises that, referring to the incident of Noluthando and the drugs, Nollie was as much to blame as Freddie. Freddie was touched because she’s forgiven him.

Finally, David and Rooooth are on their way to a wedding Fayre, to promote Brookfield as a reception venue. They are delayed when their sheep break out of the field. Having rounded them up and got very muddy, they arrive 40 minutes late and realise that they have left their smart clothes at home. Very few people are visiting their stand, so Rooooth strikes out and accosts a number of people, handing out leaflets.

This leads to a positive result, when, a few days later, Stephanie comes to Brookfield to case the joint for her forthcoming wedding. She falls in love with the barn and says it’s ideal, plus she’s sure that David and Rooooth will give her father a good deal, as he knows them. His name is Vince Casey, of Casey Meats. David is incensed, having been shafted by Vince a while ago. Sorry Stephanie, but yours could be the first wedding reception where the yard has just been liberally sprayed with slurry and where people are seated on piles of cow dung. Bring your wellies, Stephanie.

To Bee Or Not 2B?

Buffy Davis (Jolene Perks)

The phrase that springs to mind to describe last week’s storyline about the grand unveiling of the new name for The Bull is ‘anti-climactic’. Jolene let it be known that all would be revealed on Thursday evening and there was much speculation about exactly what it was that would be revealed. Eddie thought The Bull would be producing its own beer, while Bert was convinced that the pub was going to shut down. 

On Thursday, Jolene (who had had her hair done specially) was playing the crowd, keeping everybody guessing and happy hour was steaming along nicely - Kate even bought Oliver one of the cocktails; a hanky panky – then Jolene stood up and made her speech. She began by praising the customers for their loyalty and wishing everyone a Happy New Year. The new year, she continued, is a time to look forward; a time of change and, with this in mind, The Bull would no longer be called The Bull; henceforth it would be known as (cue drum roll) “The B at Ambridge!”

There was some muted applause and a lot of consternation. “Is that bee as in the insect or as the letter B?” asked a mystified Kate to nobody in particular and the general response was neatly summed up by Alistair, who said “I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that.” Whatever, the words ‘damp’ and ‘squib’ spring unbidden to mind. But let’s leave the locals in a somewhat bemused state and move on to other matters; but, before we do, if you have any ideas what the ‘B’ might stand for, we’d love to hear from you. Keep them clean, please!

Earlier, we said that Kate bought Oliver a cocktail. While setting out a display of Spiritual Home brochures, Kate noticed that Oliver was looking distinctly stressed – she sensed a great deal of negative energy at Grey Gables and suggests that Oliver undergoes a course of de-stressing. By an amazing coincidence, she has had a cancellation for that very evening and Oliver needn’t worry, as they do take credit cards. Oliver admits that he does feel a bit better after having the treatment and, before you can say ‘hot stone massage’ Kate has stitched him up like a kipper and he has agreed to have the Grey Gables staff all booked in for team bonding days.

This is not universally popular – indeed, Kirsty is quite anti and, when Philip thinks that maybe it could be a good idea, she says sourly “Would you want to be stuck in a freezing yurt, chanting mantras with a load of work colleagues?” Philip says no, but urges Kirsty to join him at the lake, as Robert Snell has told him that a flock of widgeon are roosting there and it’s a truly impressive sight.

To be honest, Kirsty would rather have a long, hot bath, especially as she cannot feel her feet as they are numb with cold. Why are the two of them sitting outside in the cold and wind and not watching from the comparative shelter of the hide? Philip explains that the view is better from this side of the lake and look! Here the birds come! Kirsty has to admit that it is a beautiful sight, but Philip has a surprise in store – he and Kirsty then go inside the hide and it is decorated with fairy lights and cushions, plus there is mulled wine.

The hide, he says, is a special place for them, as it’s where they first got together. There are various protestations of love and Philip gets on one knee and proposes. At first Kirsty hesitates and Philip thinks he has blown it, but Kirsty’s initial silence is due to shock and she tells Philip that she had been so unhappy “then, when you came along, everything made sense again, so yes – of course I’ll marry you!” Isn’t that sweet? Of course, if they get married, she might have a say in Gavin’s plans to blow £20k of Philip’s money on a wedding in Bali. Or they might have a double wedding – if two can proverbially live as cheaply as one, then there might be economies of scale to be achieved by getting married together.

Josh returns from his holiday in Thailand, full of what a great experience it was. David picks him up from the airport and, according to Josh’s account to Rex, his father bends Josh’s ear all the way home, telling him to sort it out with the police. Once home, Rooooth takes over from David and Josh is subjected to yet more earache.

Rex is just grateful that the police never asked him for any invoices or paperwork (there was none) and Josh went to see the police, reporting back to mum and dad that everything’s cool and he hopes to have his digger back within a week. Now, my experience of using an industrial vehicle to rip out an ATM is very limited, but I cannot help feeling that the law would be asking the criminals some pointed questions, such as ‘where did you get this digger from?’ and ‘can we see the paperwork?’ 

For everything to be over so quickly and neatly doesn’t ring true to me, and I suspect that Josh might be seeing something more of the boys in blue. Certainly, I cannot believe that he can just walk in and take away the digger – won’t it be wanted for the trial as evidence? Again, I have the feeling that it’s not going to be plain sailing for Josh – and a good thing too in my humble opinion, because he certainly comes across as a cocky little sod and perhaps a good fright is just what he needs. Whatever, I don’t think this story is over yet – not by a long chalk.

Rex is stressing a bit about taking his pigs to slaughter – he has bonded with them – and he seeks Neil’s advice. Neil says he should view rearing pigs as a journey and you are just helping them on the last bit of it, making it as peaceful and comfortable as you can. Just better hope that no pig asks where the return ticket is, I say. Neil has his own problems – another outbreak of tail-biting at Berrow and he has to put one animal down. Susan is worried that he will suffer executive burn-out (!) and tells him that money isn’t everything, which is a bit different from what she said when he was first given the job.

There’s good news for Rex when Pip tells him that she and Phoebe have had a meeting and cleared the air. This was after a conversation between Pip and Justin. Justin says there’s nothing to be gained by the three members of Ambridge Rewilding blaming each other – the project gives them a real chance to make a difference, so sort it out, please. The meeting between Pip and Phoebe descends into one massive drinkfest and the two girls get absolutely slaughtered, before pledging eternal sisterly love for each other

Over at Greenacres, the death of child abuser Harold Jayson casts a blight on Jim Lloyd’s life. Jim feels cheated when he learns of it because he wanted to confront Harold and make him apologise. “By dying, Harold’s won!” Jim rants. He is a seething mass of anger, ready to erupt at the slightest provocation and, as Alistair tells him, he is driving his son and Jazzer away; just as he did before he revealed the secret about his childhood abuse. Much of this anger is taken out on the builders, who are working on the house extension – Jim berates them when he finds a tyre track on his lawn and goes ever so slightly berserk when he discovers the builders in his garden shed, drinking tea.

So bad does it get that the builders walk off the site and don’t come in the next day. Alistair pours out his troubles to Philip, who says that he knows Pete, the builder and he owes Phil a favour. The result is that Phil rings Pete and asks him to return to the job. Pete agrees and Phil tells Alistair that it might just be a good idea to get Jim to back off a bit.

Jim tells Alistair that he still feels overwhelming anger whenever he thinks of Harold, so he has decided to go away for a few days. ‘Good idea’ Alistair thinks – it will give Jim a chance to put it all behind him. “Sort of” says Jim and reveals that the week after next is Harold’s funeral and Jim wants to be there and is going, whether Alistair likes it or not. ‘Bad idea’ Alistair thinks, but Jim is adamant. At least it will allow the builders to finish and we might all be treated to the sight of an elderly academic dancing and ranting dementedly on a freshly-dug grave in Scotland.

Lee Gets A Lesson In Farming

Ryan Early (Lee Bryce)

Following his Christmas at Bridge Farm, Lee turns up with flowers for Pat as a ‘thank you’. Pat’s not there, nor is Helen, but Tony is. Lee makes a remark about the cows that Tony is looking after and Tony laughs – they’re not cows; they have no udders. OK, bulls then, at which Tony laughs again – they’re not bulls, but steers, and he goes on to explain that, when they are very young, you slip a tight elastic band round the testicles, which cuts off the blood supply and the testicles drop off. “You don’t know much about farming” Tony laughs. And why should he? Lee’s a physiotherapist, after all.

Lee tells Tony that Helen has told him everything about Rob and he wants to reassure Tony that he would never, ever hurt Helen. Tony admits that he feels bad because he didn’t pick up on how Rob was dominating Helen and now he feels suspicious of any man who comes near her. Presumably he keeps a supply of tight elastic bands handy, just in case unwanted suitors come calling. Tony is taking to Lee and, before inviting him in for a cuppa, he shows him how to toss straw to straw down the yard. (It’s not often that you get two tossers in the same yard).

When Helen returns from a shopping trip (she and Kirsty have been looking at fancy dress costumes for the NYE party at The Bull) she finds her dad and Lee chatting amicably. Lee didn’t realise that it was a fancy dress gig, but he can go in his karate outfit as Bruce Lee. What is Helen going as? She won’t tell him, but, on the night, we learn that she has gone as the superhero Black Widow. 

Apparently the costume is really something and there are a number of ‘nudge nudge, have you seen Helen’s costume?’ comments from locals in the pub. Apparently black leather features heavily – Lee certainly likes her in it. The pair go outside for a breath of fresh air and start talking – do they want to go back in? Helen suggests they could go somewhere quieter (“Your flat, perhaps?”) and off they go.

It must have been a very good night, as a couple of days later (which is Henry’s birthday, incidentally) Lee says he couldn’t stop thinking of her – has she any regrets? None at all, she reassures him, adding that they are probably the talk of the village after what happened on NYE. She’s so glad that he’s on the scene and she tells him that she loves him. Going back to Helen’s costume, it’s a bit ironic, as she came within a hair’s breadth of being a black widow for real after she attacked Rob with a kitchen knife. I’m surprised nobody mentioned it – too scared, I suppose. Anyway, I wish her and Lee every happiness; they deserve it. 

New Year’s Eve was also eventful for Jim – the Ghost Stories in the Attic are going down a storm and the run is sold out. To celebrate, Jim gets stuck into the Scotch and, come midnight, he is violently sick. So bad is he, that the following day, Alistair is convinced that he won’t be able to perform GSitA that night. Who can step in at such short notice? Elizabeth suggests Robert, but it quickly becomes clear that he is not one of Nature’s natural performers – in fact, to be honest, he can hardly string two sentences together – so who can they get? Lynda deigns to step into the breach and, as the hour approaches, we hear her going through her warm up exercises. Just then there is a commotion and we hear Jim’s voice; he has turned up to read. What a trouper! The crowd applauds, and I admit that so did I. Anything other than Lynda.

Customers in The Bull are getting on Kenton’s nerves by constantly talking about Errol, the late and (by Kenton at least) unlamented peacock. Robert Snell says that Errol was the pub’s USP and he wonders if they should start a collection to raise funds for a memorial to the bird. Jolene goes further and tells Kenton that some customers have asked if there will be a book of condolences for Errol? 

She goes further still, saying that she has asked Harrison to launch a full investigation into the hit-and-run. By this time, Kenton is nearly demented and he finally admits that he was the driver. Jolene says that she was winding him up – she knows it was him, as she found a clump of feathers stuck to the wheel of his car. “When you murder something in cold blood, it’s as well to dispose of the evidence – you never do anything properly” she tells the peacock murderer.

Over at Grey Gables, there appears to be a gambling problem – the staff are allowed to play cards in the staff room (brag, I believe) but not for money. Roy is in charge of staff matters, but it appears that he isn’t getting a grip on things; two of the receptionists aren’t speaking to each other and there is at least one debt of over £40. Roy has issued a couple of warnings, but every time he makes an appearance, everybody says they are playing for matchsticks.

Tracy has asked Oliver to accompany her to GSitA (she had asked Roy, but he declined). Suddenly, there is the noise of an altercation – it appears that a fight has broken out in the staff room. Oliver is aghast and blames Roy for not keeping tight enough control – Oliver cannot believe that gambling has continued despite the fact that he forbade it. “It’s completely unacceptable to have fights breaking out in the staff room” he tells Roy. Yeah, right; take it out to the car park like normal people.

In future, says Oliver, there will be no verbal warnings – anyone transgressing will get a written warning and, should there be a further offence, then that person will be dismissed without a reference. Roy says that that might be bad for staff morale, to which Oliver’s acid reply is “If fisticuffs are breaking out in the staff room, it sounds like staff morale is already at rock bottom.” I suppose you could always give them their cards Roy – no, wait, they’ve already got cards, haven’t they?

Kirsty wanted to consult Roy about what to do about Gavin’s wedding – she can see that Phil is stressing about where can he get £20k to pay for it. Does Roy think she should have a quiet word with Gavin? Roy’s answer is an unequivocal, definite and emphatic ‘no’. Getting involved with other people’s children is a big no-no, he says – steer clear, lie low and on no account talk to Gavin. 

Kirsty listens to this and gives Gavin a ring – can they meet? They do so at the playground that Phil’s firm will be renovating and she tells Gavin how worried Phil is – he knows that Phil doesn’t like to say no to people or let them down – doesn’t Gavin realise the anxiety he is causing his dad? “If you’re not allowed to push the boat out on your wedding day, when can you?” Gavin asks, which shows that he is an inconsiderate git, as it will be Phil who is doing the boat-pushing. Does it have to be a beach in Bali? Kirsty asks. “Our wedding, our choice” Gavin replies, thereby demonstrating once again that he is an arrogant, ungrateful swine who takes his father for granted. Gavin goes further, suggesting that perhaps Kirsty is the one doing the sponging – a gold-digger who has got her clutches into a sugar daddy - and he tells her to butt out. 

Next day, Kirsty tells Roy what happened – he says she should let Phil know what happened, as he is bound to notice that she’s unhappy. “I shouldn't have got involved” Kirsty says, mournfully. To his eternal credit, Roy doesn’t throw a wobbly and bang Kirsty’s head on the desk, yelling ‘that’s what I spent ages telling you, you muppet!’ But I bet the thought passed through his mind more than once.

Let’s return to The Bull on Friday night. Jazzer is warning Jim to take it easy on the whisky (pots and kettles). Sergeant Burns comes in and would like a quiet word with Jazzer. He tells the Scotsman that he has had a call from a pal in the force – there have been developments in the enquiry into Harold Jayson (the man who abused Jim as a child). “They’ve arrested him at last!” crows Jazzer, triumphantly. Not quite, says Harrison – Jayson died on Boxing Day. “I hope his death was slow and painful” Jazzer retorts, but how (and when) is he going to break this news to Jim?

So, what can we take from last week’s episodes? I know that I, for one, will never look at an elastic band in the same way as before, plus I have been thinking about this whole Gavin wedding thing and I have come up with a solution that is both cheaper and much more environmentally friendly. 

Instead of flying fifty guests halfway round the world (imagine the size of that carbon footprint), why not hold the ceremony here in the UK? In fact, why not stay in Ambridge? We know that the Brookfield Archers are keen to get into the whole wedding reception business, so why not offer Gavin and Kelly the use of the barn at Brookfield? Firstly, it would save a shedload of money and I’m sure the place would scrub up nicely – in fact, it could be decorated with rustic implements and hung with garlands of a local arable crop. Not so much Bali as Barley, you might say. Sorry about that.