I Hope You’ve Got Deep Pockets, Vince

Tony Turner (Vince Casey)

Meat magnate Vince Casey is up to no good - he has become aware that Justin has expressed an interest in bidding for Crowther’s; the abattoir that has gone into administration, but what are Justin’s plans? Vince hatches a cunning plan, which involves phoning Lilian and inviting her for a ‘thank you’ lunch at the Feathers for giving him advice about his daughter’s new pony. He got her number from Shula and, while we are on the subject, doesn’t that mean that Shula has breached GDPR guidelines?

Lilian is full of the news about Lexi’s new baby (of which more later) and keeps talking. Eventually she shuts up and Vince suggests that they order another bottle (they haven’t seen the lunch menu yet). He tries to ask her questions about Justin’s intentions vis-à-vis Crowther’s but she is evasive. Later on, she returns home and tells Justin (who asks if she has been wetting the baby’s head) that she has had lunch with Vince and that he seemed interested in Justin and Crowther’s, but she told him nothing. A concerned Justin wonders why Vince should be interested, but Lilian has fallen asleep. There you have it Vince - if you are to pursue this strategy of plying Lilian with alcohol, then you’d better take out a bank loan.

And so to the big story of the week - I refer of course to Leonard entering Doris’s Scrap Cakes into the unusual bake section of the Flower & Produce Show. Jill is paranoid that he might win (she is one of the judges) and that she would be accused of nepotism and tarred and feathered, or disembowelled, or something. She tries to get Ian (the other judge) on her side, but he takes an urgent phone call and has to bow out of the whole process, leaving the building in haste.

Never mind - he tells Jill that Peggy can stand in as judge. Jill is terrified, especially as Peg is making complimentary comments about the Scrap Cakes, and Jill rubbishes them, calling them uncooked and “a greasy lump of dough”. As it turned out, she needn’t have worried, as Leonard’s efforts were awarded third place and the tar is allowed to cool down.

So why did Ian disappear with such unseemly haste? His phone call was from Kirsty, telling him that Lexi’s waters have just broken (all over Kirsty’s new rug, incidentally) and Kirsty drives him and Lexi to hospital, where Lexi’s labour begins. Kirsty, Adam, Ian and - inevitably - Jennifer are in the waiting room and Jenny is in a bit of a state; her misgivings not helped by the fact that the midwife is a man called Brett - what on earth can a man know about childbirth? The clue is in the word ‘midwife’ Jennifer.

It turns out to be a difficult labour (11 hours in all) and Jennifer is quickly becoming paranoid, reading sinister interpretations into every word and action. For example; Brett tells the waiting foursome that Lexi has requested just one birthing partner, and that one is Kirsty. This is not the pre-planned birthing plan (both dads were due to be there) and Jen is thunderstruck and suspicious - why is Lexi changing things? And Jen immediately jumps to the conclusion that Lexi will want to keep the baby for herself and freeze out the Aldridges.

Kirsty comes out of the birthing room to tell Adam and Ian that they have a beautiful baby son and they go in to see him, joined later by Jenny and Kirsty. As everybody is oohing and aahing over the newborn, the situation becomes farcical as Jenny strives to keep Lexi and her baby separate. Ian suggests that Lexi might want to hold her son, but Jen is reluctant to let him go. “Give the baby to Lexi” Adam says. “Is that a good idea?” his mother asks.

If Jenny had her way, Lexi would be on the next plane to Bulgaria, having signed a sworn affidavit that she never wants to see the child again. As it is, a few days later, Lexi visits Honeysuckle and reassures the boys that the baby was always going to be theirs and she is just pleased to have given them such happiness.

Jennifer continues to build the case against Lexi and, when Brian suggests that Adam and Ian have moved on from events such as the change of birth plans and Lexi moving out of Honeysuckle, a near-hysterical Jen says “Yes - that’s because they’re ignoring the red flags. Am I the only one to see where this is heading?” Jen had a conversation with Roy and apparently Lexi is “an emotional wreck.” “Roy said that?” Brian asks, astonished. “He didn’t need to” Jen replies, adding that she is sick with worry.

For God’s sake woman! Let’s just suppose that Jen is right and Lexi decides to keep the child, then there’s nothing she can do about it, so why not trust Lexi to do what she said she would? All this trying to keep Lexi away might just push her into doing exactly what Jennifer fears, so just shut up and try to behave like a rational human being. (As if). The parental order, naming Adam and Ian as parents, has to be declared legal by the court and this process cannot start for another six weeks. Jen is terrified that this will give Lexi a long time to bond with him and change her mind. Jen’s paranoia and suspicions of an ulterior motive are fanned to fever pitch when Adam and Ian call to say that they have chosen a name for their son. They wanted to pay tribute to the person who was instrumental in giving them this happiness, so the boy will be called “Alexander” (Lexi’s first name is Alexandra) and he will be known as “Xander”. This is more fuel for Jen’s paranoia - we assume she thought that Lexi had a hand in choosing the name (she didn’t) and you can imagine the high-pitched screams emanating from the Aldridge kitchen as she believes that this is yet another indication of what she believes is a plot to deprive her of her new grandson. Please - somebody tell her to get a grip before she ruins everything.

Over at Brookfield, Rooooth and Pip are still sniping at each other over the Rewilding project, with Rooooth saying that, with that and the time Pip spends with Rosie, Pip’s contribution to the day-to-day running of the farm has slipped recently. Pip, who has been trying to hold out an olive branch to her mother, which included making her breakfast, suddenly snaps and flounces out, saying “Get your own toast.”

Things calm down later and Pip reports that she and Toby have come up with a plan to better utilise their time and childcare. This will entail Rosie going to nursery a couple of mornings a week. “Gran [Jill] won’t be impressed” Pip says, but this is a logical solution. My comment on that is that, if Jill is unimpressed, then let her look after the toddler two mornings a week.

The birth of Xander had other, unforeseen, consequences for the Grundy household, where Eddie, in his usual, undiplomatic, bull-at-a-gate way, is trying to persuade Will to give up game keeping, despite the fact that, should he do so, he would lose his tied cottage. This would mean that he would presumably want No. 1 The Green back, so where would Eddie, Clarrie and Ed live? But this is by the by - Eddie’s main argument is along the lines of ‘we’re worried that you might top yourself with the shotgun.’ Will points out that, if he were so minded, then they would have to hide all sharp objects, or alternatively, he could just drive his car into a tree.

Will goes out for a walk to clear his head and he comes across Xander, being pushed in his buggy by Ian. There is much talk about babies and how dependant they are upon their families. Ian confesses that the responsibility scares him sometimes, but he realises that he’d do anything to keep his new son safe. In a Damascene-like moment, Will too realises that he would do anything to protect his children and he returns home to tell his parents that he has resigned as gamekeeper - the chat with Ian showed Will how much Poppy needs him. “I was in a bad place last week and if it ever happens again, I want my family closer to hand than a shotgun.” Will says. Delighted and relieved, Clarrie and Eddie tell their son how proud they are of him.

Let’s revisit the Vince/Justin/Lilian/Crowther’s scenario. Justin, as we know, is interested in bidding for the abattoir and he took David with him for a look round. Lilian was uncomfortable with this, as David believes that Justin is interested in the business as an abattoir, whereas he sees it as an office development project and he isn’t in a hurry to correct David’s misapprehension, telling Lilian that all’s fair in love, war and business.

On Thursday, Justin sets aside some ’me time’ and goes to get his eye in with some clays, ahead of the new season. By coincidence (?) Vince is there for the same reason and soon attaches himself to Justin. Justin says don’t let’s play games and the subject of Crowther’s crops up. Vince lets it be known that he is interested and warns Justin not to meddle with the big boys. He also told Justin what good company Lilian was when they lunched together.

Vince really begins to get on Justin’s nerves, criticising his technique, and there is no doubt that Vince is trying his best to put Justin off. A distinctly-annoyed Justin returns home and gets himself a scotch or two. Was Vince’s presence at the shoot just a coincidence he muses? Lilian says that it had nothing to do with her.

Justin senses a possible opportunity to make mischief, saying that Vince has thrown down the gauntlet. Would Lilian like to have lunch with Vince on the odd occasion - she could drop the odd nugget of misinformation into the conversation? Lilian isn’t keen: “What am I to you - some operative who you can drop behind enemy lines?” Lilian goes further, telling Justin that she has heard that Vince can be quite ruthless and maybe Justin would be better off walking away from the Crowther’s deal altogether, which is her preferred solution, of course. If not, says Lilian, she thinks that it is her that would be dealing with the fallout, “as usual.”

Finally, Rex is having trouble with Basil the boar, who steadfastly refuses to do what a boar’s supposed to do when the sows are around - he’d rather relax in his wallow. I reckon what Basil needs is an experienced stud to show him exactly what he should be doing, so step forward Toby Fairbrother - cometh the hour, cometh the man.

Ian’s Man On The Inside

Stephen Kennedy (Ian Craig)

Oliver is minded to take Tracy’s advice and give Freddie the job of kitchen porter, and Ian has strong views on the subject: “No way” he tells his boss, adding that he hasn’t got time to discuss it at the moment - he has Sunday lunch to serve.

That evening, a well-refreshed Oliver returns to Grey Gables, where Ian is still at work. Oliver is looking for his supper (must be nice to have your meals cooked for you, but then again, he does own the place, I suppose) and once again brings up the subject of Freddie - if they won’t give him a chance, then who will? Oliver tells Ian that he would have total control and, should Freddie step out of line, or not cut the mustard, then Ian can get rid of him. 

Against his better judgement, Ian agrees to a one-shift trial, but he still harbours grave doubts. Adam tells him to trust Oliver’s judgement and he’s sure Freddie will behave himself. Incidentally, Adam tells Ian to trust Kathy’s judgement too, which begs the question where the hell has she been hiding for the past month or two? Not to mention Jamie. 

As Ian is going on paternity leave for a year, Grey Gables will need a replacement - or, as Ian calls it, a stand-in - and Oliver reveals that they have hired Hugh, the chef from Lower Loxley. Ian and Hugh are fierce rivals and Ian cannot stand the man, as he tells Freddie. Ian is giving Freddie a bollocking for getting some scones out of the freezer without being told (he has already had Freddie in his office and told him how unhappy he is to have a convicted drug dealer in his kitchen) but it turns out that Freddie has done the right thing, as the scones are needed for a breakfast meeting on the morrow and there was no time to bake any more.

Ian apologises to Freddie and thanks him for saving his back. It is here that he tells Freddie how he dislikes Hugh and Freddie admits that he has little time for the Lower Loxley chef either. Ian says that Freddie can keep working at Grey Gables and Freddie suggests that he could be Ian’s man on the inside; keeping Ian informed if Hugh makes any changes to the running of his kitchen, or if things start to go wrong. Ian will know about it right away. “Freddie - you’re on!” Ian tells him. 

A bit of a U-turn there from the Grey Gables chef, but if you think about it, Freddie is the obvious man to be Ian’s person on the inside - after all, he has had a lot of experience recently of being inside. Who said that crime doesn’t pay?

Someone else who might be questioning Oliver’s judgement is Lynda. She was very sniffy about Tracy’s suggestion of having dinner entertainment at Grey Gables, but Oliver was intrigued - so much so that he acquired two tickets for a do at a local hotel. As a reward for coming up with the idea, he invites Tracy to accompany him. The pair have a great time (Tracy got a new dress for the occasion, but it’s going back to the shop tomorrow) and Oliver says he will try and book the entertainers for an evening at Grey Gables. Lynda will be pleased.

Mind you, Lynda is something of a village heroine - on Sunday it was the last cricket match of the season, a grudge match against Darrington for the runners-up spot. It is a nail-biting finish and Ambridge’s last man is trapped lbw, with two runs needed to win. However, Lynda has been videoing the game and she points out that it should have been called a no ball and she has video proof. She persuades Bert to reverse his ‘out’ decision (I bet Darrington were pleased) and Ambridge went on to win. 

In the pub afterwards, people are falling over themselves to buy her drinks (this impromptu celebration was the reason that we described Oliver as ‘well-refreshed’ earlier) and the praise goes to Lynda’s head. Lynda has had a great idea - why doesn’t she train as an umpire? She goes off to tell Chris and SgtB of her idea and David and Oliver ponder the possible future. “Lynda Snell as an umpire?” David asks. “What have we done?” answers Oliver.

As regular readers will know, I am not one of Kate’s greatest fans, but I had to take my hat off to her last week. You may recall that she told Jakob that she is a carer for her poorly gran and, consequently, Jakob makes sure that Kate is home by 9.30 every night. Kate complains to Peggy - she’d like to spend the night with Jakob. Peggy tells her that she’s always welcome to have a friend stay over, and here Kate gets embarrassed, saying that she likes to participate fully in everything she does and the presence of her gran in the next room would only dampen her ardour. “I could always take my hearing aids out” Peggy tells her, helpfully.

Next evening, Peggy notices that Kate is all glammed up - not only that, but she has an overnight bag and is going to stay the night at Jakob‘s: what has happened to Jakob’s concern? That’s OK, says Kate - Jakob has come up with a solution and found Peg a carer, who will stay with her this evening and come round again in the morning. Peggy protests that she doesn’t want anyone in her house and accuses Kate of deliberately leaving it too late for Peggy to do anything about it. Just then, the doorbell rings and Kate goes, saying cheerily “The carer’s name is Joy Horville, by the way.”

Next day, Emma is cleaning at The Lodge (I thought that was Kate’s job?) and she remarks that Peg seems out of sorts. Peg asks if Emma knows a Joy Horville, because she just wouldn’t stop talking last night and Peggy thinks she knows more about Joy’s daughter than she does her own family. Kate then returns, humming and singing. A disgruntled Peg asks her if she had a nice evening? “Very nice” Kate replies, adding; “And this morning wasn’t bad either.” She asks Peg about her evening and Peg fills her in. When Kate says that it might be better next time, Peggy says there won’t be a next time and, next time Jakob comes round, he’ll find Peggy has made a miraculous recovery. “I take it there will be a next time?” Peggy asks. “Oh yes, definitely,” replies her granddaughter. “I really like him - really like him.”

Later that day, Kate is blundering about in the kitchen, making a lot of noise and obviously in a foul mood. What’s going on? Jakob has announced that he’s going to Sweden to see his family - and he’s going for a month. “We’ve obviously got nothing in common” Kate storms. “I don’t know dear,” replies Peggy, “You might have more in common than you realise.”

To nobody’s surprise, Lily tells Elizabeth that she is not going back to Uni. Her mother is appalled, but Lily is adamant - she’s happy the way things are; she’s making good money and she never really liked Manchester much; she and Russ had no friends and she wasn’t enjoying the course. Lizzie asks what Russ thinks and Lily replies that he will support her decision, whatever it is. Finally, Elizabeth realises that her daughter’s mind is made up and she gives her her blessing.

If Brian isn’t careful, he will be getting a reputation as a bringer of ill omens. Firstly, he listened to David’s plans for the Hassett Hills co-op to purchase Crowther’s, the local abattoir, which has gone into administration. Perhaps he could get BL interested in a partnership? ’No’ is the short answer; the Board isn’t interested, as it doesn’t have the relevant expertise. However, Brian tells David, Justin did express some personal interest. As a result, David and Justin get permission to have a look round Crowther’s and David is optimistic, despite being warned by Justin that he’s not looking for a joint venture with H-H. Back home, Justin tells Lilian that he thinks that he will submit a bid, as Crowther’s represents an investment opportunity. “What, as an abattoir?” asks a startled Lilian. “I’ve no intention of keeping it as an abattoir,” Justin replies, “It’s the perfect location for an office development.” Not a good birthday present for David’s 60^th, although he did go to see Dr Feelgood live, which I suppose some would view as a bonus. 

Brian’s next message of doom concerns Will. Eddie confides the whole story of Will and the shotgun and how Eddie believes that the only answer is for Will to give up the job, as he shouldn’t be allowed to be around firearms. He just wants to save Will from himself, as Will seems to think that he’ll be right as rain after a couple of weeks. Could Brian see his way to asking BL Chairman Martyn Gibson to give Will his cards? Brian asks, without disclosing all the details, and it turns out that Martyn thinks Will is doing a good job and won’t countenance the idea. Sorry Eddie.

It doesn’t seem to have occurred to Eddie that his eldest son is depressed and that game keeping is his life and all he has ever wanted to do, and taking that away from him is hardly likely to make him feel better, or improve his mood. Perhaps time to try and come up with a Plan B Eddie.

On Friday, David returns home to find Leonard in Brookfield’s kitchen, dressed in an apron, and in the middle of preparing a recipe. The plan is for him to practise making Jill’s Scrap Cake recipe, to be entered into the F&P show as a surprise for Jill. The omens are not good, as Leonard has never cooked on a range before and he spills a bag of flour. “It’s got four ovens - which do I use for baking?” he asks David, which is about as much use as asking Tracy to summarise Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Despite this, the end result looks and smells fantastic and both men are impressed and delighted.

Let us return to where we started, with Freddie’s offer to be a fifth columnist for Ian at Grey Gables. As we are creeping ever nearer to Christmas, it occurs to me that, should Freddie keep his job and should he then be promoted to the processed meat section, then he could be called a mince spy. Sorry about that.

Jennifer’s Nose Is Put Firmly Out Of Joint

Angela Piper (Jennifer Aldridge)

Lexi has gone to see Kirsty and Philip’s new house and she is impressed. However, the pair are less impressed when Kirsty’s neighbour (Joy Horville) turns up and introduces herself. This swiftly turns into a monologue about Joy’s daughter Rochelle, who sounds like a stand-in for Superwoman. So bad was it that, when Joy has gone, Lexi confides to Kirsty that she considered pretending that the baby was on its way just to shut her up. Joy has leapt effortlessly into first place in the ‘character who most deserves a good slap’ competition.

On Monday, Jennifer is talking to Phoebe and happens to mention that she has some stuff to take round to Lexi. Phoebe mentions that Lexi is no longer living at Honeysuckle, but is staying with the Snells at Ambridge Hall - didn’t Lynda know? No she bloody well didn’t, and she rushes off to Ambridge Hall to seek out Lexi. Hammering on the door, Jen is met by Lynda, who tells her that Lexi just needs some space and privacy. Furthermore, both Adam and Ian agree with this and she has their blessing. You can practically hear Jennifer’s blood pressure rising, especially when she tells Jen that Lexi and the two fathers have asked Lynda to ensure that Lexi isn’t disturbed and is left in peace.

Steam is coming out of Jen’s ears and she demands to see Lexi. As luck would have it, Lexi chooses this moment to return from Kirsty’s and greets Jen warmly and invites her in. “You’ve been out!” says Jennifer, astounded. Lexi explains that she just needed time on her own - she could have added ‘away from you, you suffocating old bat’ but she’s much too polite. Jennifer, who we have often said in the past can exhibit the sensitivity of a cast-iron pillar box, proceeds to question Lexi about whether she is carrying out the exercises that Jen sent her, until Lynda steps in and says that Lexi is looking tired and perhaps Jen ought to go and, should she wish to see Lexi again, please ring ahead first. When Jen has been bundled out of the door, Lexi thanks Lynda, who says: “Don’t worry; I will do all I can to keep the world away from your door.”

There was a culinary thread running through some of last week’s stories; let’s get Jennifer out of the way for good - she has plans to enter the Vegan class for the Flower & Produce bake section and has enlisted Kate to help her with the finer points. Kate’s first comment is that Jen is wearing a woollen garment and is she serious about this or not? This would have been a good time for Jen to tell her daughter that she has just remembered that she is unexpectedly washing her hair, and would Kate mind coming back next week, or, preferably, next decade? However, she doesn’t.

The morning of cooking is torture for Brian, who is roped in as chief taster, much against his will. “She fed me compost!” he complained to Jen about one of Kate’s experiments. All Brian wants is a sausage sandwich, but with the kitchen having been declared a Vegan zone, he stands no chance. Should’ve snuck off to the pub, Brian.

Kate is getting into the cookery and tells her mother that she thinks that she (Kate) stands a good chance of carrying off the Best Vegan prize. Just think what a boost that would be for Spiritual Home. The only trouble is that her main rival for the title would be Jennifer, and it wouldn’t look so good if Spiritual Home came second. It takes Jen a while to realise that she is being asked to fall on her sword as far as the F&P Vegan bake is concerned, but Kate rushes in, saying “how sweet of you mum!” although I don’t recall Jen actually agreeing to take a dive. What’s the betting that Kate makes a complete cods of the cooking and Jen enters a dish in her daughter’s name?

Cooking too at Brookfield, where Jill and Leonard are going through stuff from the attic and Jill comes across a recipe, handwritten by Doris Archer, for Scrap Cakes. From what I can gather, this seems to involve some strange cut of pig fat and an ingredient so secret that Doris called it XXXX, which is supremely unhelpful. Nevertheless. Jill thinks it could be a goer in the ‘unusual bakes’ section at the F&P show and allows Leonard to assist her in the kitchen. But there are rules: “Do exactly as I say, don’t talk to much and don’t drop anything.” That’s you told, Leonard.

Halfway through preparation, the phone rings and Leonard (who one presumes has been given special dispensation) answers. It’s Bert Fry - would Jill consider being a judge (along with Ian) in the bakery section of the F&P show? Jill is overjoyed and accepts, then she realises that she won’t be able to enter her scrap cakes. Worry not - Leonard has a plan; he will enter them without telling Jill and Josh and Pip return home to find him furtively looking through the stuff from the attic. He tells them of his plan and Pip takes a photo of the recipe, so that Jill won’t know it’s gone missing. 

I can’t help thinking that Leonard is going to have a bit of a problem in discovering what XXXX is - Jill said that she thinks she can remember, but, as Doris obviously wanted it kept a secret, she will comply with her wishes. Again, I fail to see the logic here - why write a recipe down if you aren’t going to include all the ingredients? I mean, who could make sense of ‘4oz of XYZZ, 1 tsp of ABC, a handful of KLMN and 8fl oz of PQRS’? Sounds pretty damn tasty, doesn’t it, but not much of a legacy for the next generation.

There is a glimmer of hope that Jim might be on the mend. He makes Beef Wellington for himself, Alistair and Jazzer, but Jazzer has a feeling of foreboding - are they being softened up for something? Jim eventually reveals that he’d like his music room (currently doing duty as Jazzer’s bedroom) back. But where would Jazzer go? Jim then springs his second surprise - he’s planning an extension on the side of the house, including a bedroom for Jazzer. Alistair and Jazzer mention this to Philip, the builder, and Jim returns home to find the trio measuring up the garden in the twilight.

Alistair explains that they were talking to Philip and he offered to do an estimate for free, plus he would do the job at cost. A displeased Jim says no thanks - he has already been in touch with someone in Borchester and, when Philip offers to undercut him, an increasingly-prickly Jim says his word is his bond and a disgruntled Philip takes his leave. Alistair accuses his dad of lying and Jim reveals that he couldn’t possibly have someone with Philip’s view of history (he doesn’t agree with Jim that it’s about preserving what’s worth preserving). Alistair is speechless, but, as Jim goes to bed, Jazzer says: “Cantankerous, nitpicking and drives you up the wall - it’s good to have the old Jim Lloyd back again.” Hmm.

Over at Grey Gables, there’s a minor crisis - Ian is going off on paternity leave (or ’sprogwatch’ as that great philosopher Tracy calls it). Gosh! Who saw that coming? Anyway, a kitchen porter is needed and Tracy, risking Lynda’s ire at getting involved in management decisions, suggests Freddie Pargetter. “Oh, no, no” says Lynda, but Oliver says he’ll think about it. He’ll also consider Tracy’s idea of dinner entertainment, such as comedy turns with actors during the meal (a la Fawlty Towers) or murder mystery evenings. How far will Tracy go with her attempts to drag Grey Gables into (at least) the 19^th Century? Banks of slot machines in Reception? Freddie Pargetter discreetly dealing drugs from the kitchen?

At Grange Farm, Eddie is still treading on eggshells as far as his eldest son is concerned. Eddie manages to persuade Will to go to the doctor’s, but when he returns, Will won’t say what they spoke about. Eddie is hoping for counselling, or drugs, or avoidance therapy, where a photo of a shotgun is accompanied by a severe electric shock, but Will is staying shtum. Eddie takes a call from Martyn Gibson (Will’s boss) who wants to know if a) Will is coming back to work and b) if not, could he please produce a sick note? As Gibson is famously intolerant, I for one am surprised at his leniency in the matter of his awol gamekeeper.

Eddie isn’t one to give up, but he’s about as subtle as a bulldozer, so he persists with Will about seeing the doctor. First of all, Will tells Eddie it’s none of his business and Eddie loses it slightly, saying yes it is if it’s affecting the family. Will says that he has got two weeks on the sick to sort himself out and Eddie is flabbergasted to realise that his son hasn’t mentioned the episode with the gun - didn’t Will tell her what happened a week ago?

“That’s all behind me now” Will replies, but Eddie insists that the doctor needs to know at least something of what happened. Then, with a lack of subtlety remarkable even for a Grundy, Eddie asks Will if he has ever considered doing a job other than gamekeeping - a job that has no connection with guns, perhaps?

Will says that he doesn’t know anything other than gamekeeping - besides, if he’s not a gamekeeper, he will lose his house and gamekeeping is all he’s ever wanted to do. Defiantly, he tells his father: “I’ve got two weeks to sort myself out, then I go back to work - as a gamekeeper.”

Let us finish with Pip and Phoebe, with the latter revealing a chilling and horrible possible future for herself. Phoebe wanted the subject of rewilding brought up at the Home Farm partnership meeting, but she has no part to play in the partnership, so Kate was deputed to raise the subject. Whose mad idea was that? PPR wanted 50 acres of Home Farm land for rewilding - at least this would show Peggy that some progress had been made. Unfortunately Kate (who Phoebe admits “can be a bit shouty”) blew it, by laying into Rooooth, asking what sort of mother is she if she won’t even back her daughter? 

The words ‘Red’, ‘Rag’ and ‘Bull’ spring to mind and Rooooth is not best pleased with her daughter (who in this case is totally blameless). Pip and Phoebe meet up and the talk turns to mothers and how difficult they can be. Phoebe is especially worried about her mother, saying: “I do love her” (Why, for heaven’s sake?) “But I’m not sure I want to turn into her.” Sorry Phoebe, but if it were me, I’d be 100% certain how sure I’d be.

A Budding Bromance?

Ryan Kelly (Jack 'Jazzer' McCreary)

Thursday is the evening of the first of the ‘Beat the Brainboxes’ quiz at The Bull and Jim Lloyd - one of the Brainboxes team - is suffering from nerves. Jazzer has turned up to wish him luck and Jim confides that he doesn’t think he can go through with the ordeal - there are too many people who will be looking at him and he is on the verge of quitting. However, Jazzer tells him that this is what he has been training for and he can do this, and Jim eventually agrees, thanking Jazzer for his support.

Jazzer isn’t taking part in the quiz, telling Jim that he has things to do and he returns home, so he misses Jim’s triumph in the round of daytime TV, where he is up against Clarrie. The Brainboxes win the quiz easily, in case you were interested. Jim returns home and thanks Jazzer again for his faith and encouragement. He also notices that Jazzer appears to be packing and the Scotsman tells him that he is moving out - living there is putting a strain on the relationship and Jazzer admits that he shouldn’t have blabbed to SgtB about Jim’s abused childhood.

Jim says, on the contrary; he is touched that Jazzer cared enough about him to get angry on his behalf. “If you were to move out, I would consider it a significant personal loss” says the Professor, and begs Jazzer to reconsider his decision. “Do you mean it?” Jazzer asks and Jim replies “You’re like a son to me - admittedly a son with questionable personal habits.” Talk about damning with faint praise, but Jazzer is happy and hugs Jim, saying “I love you and all, big man.” Jim backtracks a little, telling Jazzer “I didn’t say that exactly.” Never mind, harmony is restored and Jazzer stays, along with Webster, which Jim refers to as “that eight-legged monstrosity.”

Now here’s a phrase that you don’t read very often in this blog, but I think that Tony was right when he cast doubt upon the wisdom of his mother’s £500k prize for the best environmental project for Ambridge, saying that it could divide the village and sow discord inside families. We learn that the winning bid was submitted by Phoebe, Pip and Rex for their rewilding project and, while they are ecstatic about winning, some of their nearest and dearest are not so happy.

One such is Adam, whose congratulations to Phoebe sounded like they were made through gritted teeth. As he tells Ian later, Phoebe was tapping him up for information to help her bid, without even telling him that she was thinking of entering the competition. Ian tells him to let it go, but losing out on half a million is a bitter pill.

Someone else who isn’t happy is Rooooth. You’d think that she’d be pleased that her daughter is part of the winning team, but she isn’t. Her mood is not improved when Peggy tells her that Brookfield’s plan for a low-carbon farm came a very close second. Rooooth is further narked when she has to take on one of Pip’s scheduled milking slots because Pip is in a meeting with her rewilding partners and Peggy to discuss the fine detail of the project.

At a fund-raising concert later that evening, Rooooth is barely civil to her daughter, to the extent that Pip accuses her “of giving me evils all night.” Rooooth retorts that they (her and David) were afraid that the project would prove a distraction from work at Brookfield and this appears to be the case. Pip says her mother is overreacting and that rewilding the less productive parts of Brookfield could prove beneficial in the long run. Rooooth is appalled and tells Pip that there is no way that she will be having any of Brookfield’s land. “I thought you were a farmer, not a park keeper” she spits.

Pip declares that she’s upset and, had things been the other way round, she would be totally supportive of the Brookfield initiative. Rooooth says that she was really passionate about low-carbon Brookfield and they included Pip in their plans, only to have it thrown back in their face. “It could have safeguarded our future and given something to pass on to future generations - and you’ve ruined it!” says an angry Rooooth.

So that’s it - at the end of the day it’s all about the money and, while Pip could point out that her future is pretty well safeguarded, this might not be the time nor the place to do it.

In fact, she and her rewilding chums might not find it as easy as they thought - at the meeting with Peggy to discuss the next steps in the project, Peggy drops something of a bombshell, pointing out that Phoebe, Pip and Rex (hereafter known as PPR) do not actually own any land to rewild, if I may coin a verb. The submission was to rewild 400 acres of land and the ACT Trustees would like them to have the full 400 acres in place by Christmas. Just to make it that bit harder, the Trustees are minded not to give the trio any money up front, but will release funds when PPR can prove that they have firm commitments to purchase “a proportion” of the 400 acres. How big a proportion? Peggy was thinking of 60% and she’d like the first progress report by the end of the month, please. As Peggy goes, leaving the stunned youngsters to digest what she has said, Rex says they will just have to live with the conditions. This was before Rooooth put the mockers on using any Brookfield land, incidentally.

Lexi has returned to Ambridge, but she must be wondering if she has made the right decision, as Jennifer pounces on her, saying that she has missed out on so much of the pregnancy, but is going to get fully involved now. This includes cooking some horrible-sounding cakes and sweetmeats and giving Lexi gratuitous advice, like not sleeping on her back. “I have been pregnant before, Jennifer” Lexi says dryly, adding: “Twice”. This is all water off Jennifer’s back and Adam ends up apologising for his mother going way over the top. Meanwhile, I wouldn’t be surprised if Lexi was found looking up flight times to Bulgaria.

Everyone has questions for her; some of which are very personal (‘how was the baby conceived?’) but Lexi lets it all wash over her. However, I can tell you that the three parents do know the sex of their child, but prefer to keep it a secret for now. Oh, and yes, the baby is due on 26^th September.

At Grange Farm, Will has visited the doctor, but isn’t saying anything about what was said. He is still very low, to the extent that, when he is arranging his screws in size order in the shed (everybody needs a hobby) Clarrie joins in to help, mindful of the fact that there are a lot of sharp tools and implements laying around. Will is well aware of what she is up to and the pair talk, ending up with a tearful Will saying that all he wants is to have Nic back as she was before. Perhaps they should get the doctor (or maybe Alan) to give him a talk on the somewhat permanent nature of mortality.

There are hopes that Will is getting better, as he takes part in the Brainboxes quiz. He goes to bed early and Eddie and Clarrie discuss his future. Maybe it would be better if he went back to work, Clarrie asks? Eddie pours cold water on this, saying that Clarrie didn’t see the look in her son’s eyes when he was handling the shotgun. If Will went to work, he’d be around guns again “And if I’ve got any say in it, he’ll never get close to a gun - ever again.” Clarrie points out that gamekeeping is all Will has ever known and to give it up could have dire consequences. I suppose they could compromise and he could be the only gamekeeper to be armed with a catapult, but it seems unlikely.

Meanwhile, Ed goes to see Emma and begs her to tell no-one about Will. She is reluctant at first - what if Will throws another wobbler when the children are around? Ed tries to make her see that Will’s problem goes way back - back to when Ed and Emma started their affair, in fact - and they are partly responsible for the current situation. Eventually, Emma agrees to keep it buttoned, but adds that she won’t let Will see George ever again; or at least not for a very long time. Ed protests that this will depress Will even further, but Emma is adamant. Even worse, when Ed tries to bring the subject round to himself and Emma’s relationship, she cuts him short, saying that he can see the kids “but, apart from that, I don’t want anything to do with you or your family - ever again.”

Elsewhere, Jakob is picking Kate up at The Lodge to go and see a film in Borchester. Kate, of course, isn’t ready and Jakob is left alone with Peggy, trying to explain why he doesn’t like cake. The conversation is stilted, but then Jakob says why he likes Kate: it’s the work she does for the community and the fact that she is “a peacemaker within the family.” Peggy is astonished and says she’s off to powder her nose. Jakob asks if she and Kate have some sort of alert system in place for situations like this and it becomes evident that he thinks that Kate is Peggy’s full-time carer and how noble it is that she should take on such a role.

Peggy decides to have some fun and, when Kate returns, Peg keeps asking her to fetch things within reach and to draw the curtain and how long will they be gone in case she needs the toilet? Jakob says that they don’t need to go to the movie, or the planned meal afterwards and Peggy (who we have said in the past, can exhibit a bit of a cruel streak sometimes) suggests that they could all stay there and spend the afternoon playing rummy. “But first, dear, the lavatory, please” Peggy tells her granddaughter.

Finally, we have an insightful piece of self-realisation. Oliver has obviously been reading up on improving staff relations, as he interviews Tracy about how she is getting on in her new job. Tracy is clutching a bunch of (I think) Agrimony throughout the interview and tells Oliver that she wants to hand in her notice. Why, is something wrong? Is she being treated OK? Tracy blurts out that she cannot work in a haunted hotel (the agrimony is to ward off evil spirits) and the whole story about haunted room 13 comes out. Oliver says there’s something she doesn’t know and reveals that Mrs Jones (who complained about the room) is a con artist who has tried this trick at a number of hotels - she loads up her bill with food and drink, then complains about the room being haunted, refuses to pay and leaves. Tracy withdraws her notice, bins the flowers and - and here is the bit of self-realisation - says to Oliver “I’ve made a right prat of myself, haven’t I?” You said it Tracy, not me.

Wishful Thinking I Reckon, Tracy

Susie Riddell (Tracy Horrobin)

One of the minor stories trundling along in Ambridge at the moment is that of the alleged ghostly goings-on at Grey Gables. Rumours are being spread by new receptionist Tracy, who tells sister Susan that, only that morning, she had a white-faced guest in reception, swearing that someone - or something - got into her bed and the atmosphere was icy cold. The woman refused to go back to the room and will never stay at Grey Gables again.

Roy  comes into Reception and tells Tracy off for spreading gossip. He also tells them that the hotel has got plumbers in, which explains the phenomena and noises. When Roy goes, Susan suggests that she and Tracy do some paranormal investigating after Susan comes back from having her body polish (and that’s conjured up an image which I know I’m going to have trouble getting out of my head) and the pair sneak off to the now-empty room. “Roy will thank us in the end” says Tracy as she opens the door.

It’s room 13 (of course it is) and Susan goes for a look in the bathroom. Her mood quickly changes to panic when she cannot get the door open to get out and her frenzied screams attract Roy, who releases Susan. Angrily, he tells Tracy that she’s a receptionist, not a spiritualist and to get back to work.

Once Tracy gets an idea in her head, it’s hard to shift and the next day she tells Roy that she saw a ghost herself - it had blood dripping from its hair and beard. Roy suggests that she just saw a mop - why would a ghost haunt a cupboard full of cleaning materials and equipment? Tracy goes back to her desk, astounded that Roy isn’t going to do anything else. “You mark my words, Roy,” Tracy tells her boss, “Once a malevolent entity arrives, it doesn’t just go away.” “You’re telling me” he mutters, with feeling. As Roy is about to shut the door, Ian interrupts him, as he wants to return a mop to the store - apparently, one of the kitchen staff had an accident with a blender and some raspberry coulis and it went everywhere - “all over the kitchen and all over his head and face” Ian chuckles. “Oh Tracy” Roy sighs.

Still unsatisfied, Tracy goes to see Shula and says that she’s heard that Shula wants to be a vicar - does the church still carry out exorcisms? Shula thinks that Tracy is mocking her and anyway, how did Tracy know about Shula’s plans? “Oh, everybody knows - Susan told me” Tracy answers. “Oh, did she now?” Shula remarks, before telling Tracy to please leave her alone - members of the clergy do not go around with a bell, book and candle and, if Tracy asks Alan, he’ll tell her the same story. “Some vicar you’ll make” Tracy retorts.

Telling her niece about it later, Tracy says that she’s not sleeping very well - she keeps imagining that there’s someone else in her bed - she should be so lucky - hence the title of this week’s blog. Emma isn’t really paying attention and, when Tracy asks her how is she? Emma replies “OK”. “Come on, if you’re going to lie, at least put some effort into it” Tracy admonishes her.

To be honest, Emma has had better weeks. It started badly when Hannah came into the shop and began to take Emma to task for going for an affordable house that she obviously couldn’t afford. This meant that the rest of the waiting list (including Hannah) were pushed down and the house has now gone. Hannah does not mince her words and, later, she is taken to task by her boss Neil, who says she cannot talk to his daughter like that. Hannah’s reply is that she is just telling it like it is and, outside work, she’ll talk to Emma however she wishes. She makes the point that she has never discussed the situation at work; “I keep my domestic affairs separate from work - I’ve been completely professional about it and I’d appreciate it if you’d do the same.” While Hannah is correct, I can’t help feeling that Neil might remember her attitude when it comes to the next round of staff appraisals.

Emma has a dilemma - she has asked Will if he fancies a boys’ night in with son George. Will is dead keen, but the trouble is that George would rather remove his own spleen without anaesthetic than spend an evening with his dad. Emma goes to break the news to Will and he invites her to tea - he has got food in in anticipation of George’s visit. She agrees and they talk. They both realise that today would have been their wedding anniversary and, when Will asks her if she ever regretted marrying him, she says ‘no’, thinking he is referring to George. Instead, he tries to kiss her and, disgusted and angry in equal measures, she fights him off, telling him that George can’t stand being with his dad and Jake and Mia don’t like him either. Will accuses her of leading him on and shouts at her to get out.

Let’s park the Will/Emma story there for a moment and look at some of the other happenings. Brian is having an enjoyable time, reading the letters sent to Jennifer, in her alter ego as the Courier’s Agony Aunt. He also reads them out to the rest of the family, which seems a tad unethical. He then goes further, sending a letter in, purportedly from ‘Mr O Pressed, of Ambridge’ (oh, how we laughed!) which lists his wife’s shortcomings. Jennifer isn’t fooled and reads Brian her reply to Mr Pressed, which is less than complimentary. Brian is appalled and says “surely you can’t publish that?” Jennifer eventually reveals that she was on to Brian from the start and was just rattling his chain.

The strife among the Brookfield Archers continued for most of the week, with Rooooth never passing up an opportunity to have a go at daughter Pip for (as she sees it) rejecting Brookfield’s ACT project. Eventually they are reconciled (presumably Rooooth realised that Pip will be one of the ones who chooses her old people’s home). Whatever, there are fewer snide remarks and David doesn’t have to keep trying to bring the pair together.

Let’s now move into the realms of fantasy. I refer, of course, to the extremely unlikely ‘romance’ between Kate and Jakob. Kate makes the mistake of telling Jennifer that they are going on another date. Jennifer is all a-twitter and proceeds to instruct her daughter on how she should conduct herself. This includes making a check list - is he attentive? Does he pay for things? - Kate takes notes on her phone.

For God’s sake - the woman is 40, has three children by two different fathers and - let’s not mince words here - can charitably be described as a bit of a slapper - what can Jennifer teach her? How to hold a fan properly? Whether the milk goes in before the sugar?

Kate and Jakob go to the funfair at Hollerton and spend time on the dodgems, Ferris Wheel, Waltzer, etc. During the evening, Kate’s phone keeps beeping and, when Jakob goes off to get some candy floss (guess who paid?) Kate is taking the last call from her mother. When Jakob returns (presumably manfully resisting the urge to ram the candy floss into Kate’s gob) Kate reveals that she has been assessing him all evening and he has been a great success - attentive, generous and she would give him a mark of A*.

Jakob says that he has been testing Kate too and his mark for her is considerably lower. The reason he was so attentive is that she gave him no choice - she kept talking the whole time; she never offered to pay for anything, plus she flirted openly with the man who runs the dodgems. A crestfallen Kate says “so you don’t want another date?” “I didn’t say that,” Jakob replies, adding “All the empirical data indicates that we are completely incompatible. Nevertheless, when I’m with you, I can’t help feeling light-hearted - it doesn’t make sense. Most of what you say is nonsense, but you believe it with such passion. However, I would like to gather more evidence, if you’re happy to participate.” We then hear the sound of a kiss. 

For Heaven’s sake, somebody knock Jakob to the ground and get whatever drugs Kate is feeding him off her. Can Alistair not administer electro-convulsive therapy? If things carry on, David’s prediction that Jakob will soon be treating horses with Reiki and crystals looks likely to be true. 

Will goes back to work, but cannot stop himself phoning Clarrie to see how Poppy is. Clarrie assures her son that Poppy is just fine, but things take a turn for the worse as Clarrie gets a flat tyre. Will finds out that, when the tyre was being replaced, Clarrie left Poppy with Bev, Nic’s mother. Will is incensed because he specifically forbade Clarrie to leave Poppy with Bev, believing that his mother-in-law has an agenda to take Poppy from him. A distraught Will says he is going to fetch Poppy, but then there’s a knock on the door. It’s Bev, but Poppy isn’t with her.

A situation develops, with Bev suggesting that she keeps Poppy until Sunday, telling Will that he has possibly done harm to Poppy, by taking her to the hospital - where her mother died - so often and taking her to work late at night. Will goes demented and threatens to call the police and accuse Bev of kidnapping. Bev says OK - what does Will think a Judge would think of his behaviour? Bev goes and Will turns on his mother, asking “How thick are you?” He says he is going to lose the only thing that’s worth living for “and all because of you. I’ll never forgive you for this” and he storms out, leaving his mother in tears.

So we return to Emma and Will. Em is feeling guilty about the things she said about Will and goes to see him. He’s not answering his phone, or opening his door and, when Em arrives, she finds him sitting at the table, with an empty bottle of whisky on the floor, cleaning his shotgun. Emma notices live cartridges and is scared. As a matter of interest, why do people contemplating suicide by shooting in dramas feel the need to clean the gun first? Are they worried about germs?

Em rings Ed and he and dad Eddie turn up, unable to get in until Em tells them about a dodgy window. There is no sign of Will, but Eddie finds him in Poppy’s bedroom. Meanwhile, Emma tells Ed about Will’s attempted kiss and Ed rushes to confront his brother, shouting furiously. In hindsight, this wasn’t the wisest course of action, as Will has a loaded shotgun. There is a tussle and we hear a shot. Fortunately, we hear Ed’s voice, so he’s not dead; neither are any of the others. Eddie eventually gets Will to give up the shotgun and Will says he’s sorry that he wasn’t strong enough and Eddie says “You don’t have to be strong son - you’re not on your own any more.” Fortunately, he manages to keep the gun out of Will’s reach when Will realises that this means he will be surrounded by Grundys for the foreseeable future.