Susan Gets It Wrong (Again)

Charlotte Martin (Susan Carter)

It is one of the mysteries of life in Ambridge why nobody has yet killed Susan Carter – she is, without a doubt, the nosiest, most interfering and nosy busybody in the entire village, with a talent for leaping to (almost invariably) the wrong conclusion on the flimsiest of evidence. Take last week for instance; Pip was in the shop and bought a wedding magazine. The idea was to give it to David to give him some ideas for staging wedding receptions at Brookfield, but Susan assumed that Pip and Toby were getting married. Tracy put her sister right, calling her ‘a stupid mare’ into the bargain. 

To be honest, I am surprised that Tracy hasn’t killed her sister many times over. This past week, Susan complains that everybody else has met Tracy’s new man Roman and says that she and Neil ought to meet him, as Tracy “is inclined to rush into things.” Susan stalks her sister, sending her ten text messages, trying to find out where she is and is Roman with her? “Forget it – you’re not ruining it for me.” Tracy says.

Inevitably, Tracy’s luck runs out and she and Roman are confronted by Susan in the Tea Room. Susan immediately takes over, saying that they haven’t been introduced. “I’m Susan” she tells him. “My much older sister” Tracy adds. Poor Roman is then subjected to a Gestapo-like interrogation, after which Susan knows his entire life story and, I shouldn’t wonder, his shoe size and what he likes for breakfast.

Roman visits the loo (I half expected him to leg it out of the window) and Susan tells Tracy that she approves – he seems like a nice man. One might ask what the hell has it got to do with Susan what he is like – as long as he and Tracy are happy, it’s none of anybody else’s business, is it? I have made my decision – Susan is definitely the nosiest cow in Ambridge.

Mind you, in the annoying stakes, she has some competition, notably from Joy. Joy learns that Natasha is good at giving make-overs and bullies Natasha into going round hers with her lotions and beauty products. Afterwards, Natasha returns home, demanding a large brandy “Kill me now – I should have taken earplugs” she tells Tom, adding that Joy never once stopped talking. Natasha also says that Joy has “a humungous crush” on Tony and that he let her cry on his shoulder. Tom works out that this must have been the same day as Pat and Tony’s wedding anniversary and Tony told Pat that he had been talking to his garage friends about cars.

Tom is concerned, but Natasha tells him not to worry – it’s Joy who’s got the crush, not Tony. However, Tom is not convinced and says “Whatever – something’s not right.” Please Tom, don’t interfere – Tony is no Don Juan and I don’t think Pat has got anything to worry about.

The Grundy World of Christmas passed off successfully, with Eddie taking on the role of Father Christmas. He kept criticising Harrison’s performance until Clarrie realised what the matter was – Eddie really wanted it to be Joe and he took over the part. And so a new Grundy tradition is born. It was a good night for the Grundys, as not only did they trouser a fair bit of money, but Oliver invited them to Grey Gables for Christmas lunch. We may also have taken the first small steps towards a rapprochement between Emma and Ed, as Will let slip to her that it was Ed who gave him the money to buy back the coffee table that Emma liked so much, after her garage sale. We will see.

Over at Home Farm, Brian seems to keep forgetting that he is no longer running the place and he has a list of things that he believes Adam is doing wrong, accusing him of taking his eye off the ball and not seeing the bigger picture. Adam, who is suffering from sleep deprivation (Xander is teething) blows up at Brian, reminding him that he, Adam, is in charge now and Brian can butt out. Such unseasonable sentiments!

Mind you, Brian can be forgiven for not being in the best of moods, as he was subjected to a lecture from Martyn Gibson on the importance of maintaining confidentiality in business. Brian gives Phoebe a lift home and she is unhappy because neither Rex nor Pip are talking to her. She did what she did (ie kept quiet about the dodgy clauses in the BL contract because she is passionate about rewilding, she explains to her grandfather. Brian enquires whether Phoebe has considered asking Peggy for an extension on the time available to obtain the land for rewilding? “Missing the deadline would have been so unprofessional” Phoebe replies. “More unprofessional than misleading your business partners?” Brian asks her.

Someone who we seldom talk about in this blog is Philip Moss, Kirsty’s squeeze. We don’t know a lot about him, apart from the fact that he is older than her, is Welsh (he and Natasha were exchanging a few sentences in that language last week) and he is a builder. He also is a great fan of all things Christmassy, has seven different Christmas jumpers and a - some might say unhealthy – obsession with Christmas lights. Kirsty tells Helen that Phil keeps adding to the illuminations, both inside and out. “It’s like living in a lighthouse,“ Kirsty adds. When invited inside to view, a dumbstruck Helen can only say “Oh – my – word.”

One other thing we know about Philip is that his heart is in the right place. Kirsty is fruitlessly searching the Internet for possible grants that can be won for improving the environment. The local playground is in a mess and in dire need of refurbishment, but Kirsty is having no luck. Philip complains that she is spending a long time on the PC and he disappears. When he returns, we learn that he has had a word with Neil as Chairman of the Parish Council and that Phil has offered to carry out the refurbishment at cost price over the New Year holiday, when there is not much building work going on. Isn’t that sweet? What a nice man.

Over at Brookfield, one of our diggers is missing. Sgt Burns turns up, looking for Josh. David tells Harrison that Josh is away in Thailand or somewhere equally exotic for a few weeks. What does Sgt Burns want?

Earlier in the week, there was a raid made on a cashpoint machine in Darrington and a digger was involved. The digger was registered to Ambridge Machinery and the police would like Josh to pop in and have a chat.

David and Rooooth are unable to raise Josh on his phone, so they ring Rex, who is looking after the business while Josh is away. Rex confirms that there is a digger missing and he thinks that Josh loaned it to someone, but he doesn’t know who. Meanwhile, Josh remains incommunicado. “This is serious” says Rooooth, revealing once again that she studied at the school of the bleedin’ obvious.

Finally, Lee is getting his feet under the Bridge Farm table. Helen is horrified when he reveals that he has a microwave Christmas meal (”six minutes on high”) for Christmas Day as he will be on his own. She’d like him to come over for lunch but she is worried about how Henry might react – after all, it was Helen who stopped Henry from going to karate. As it turns out, Henry couldn’t give a monkey’s when he is asked if Lee could join them for lunch. “He’s your boyfriend, not mine” he reminds his mother. I can’t help thinking that the repast at Bridge Farm will be a bit better than the microwave meal – and who knows what Helen might suggest for afters?

Neil and Peter would like to thank our many loyal readers for their many comments throughout the year and for buying us some silage!

We hope that you all have a peaceful and happy Christmas