Paranoid? No, Just Unbelievably Stupid

William Troughton (Tom Archer)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, which at Bridge Farm means decorating the Christmas tree, with the whole family helping. Tom, however, is worried - early in the day he ran into Joy, who confided that she wanted to buy Tony some malt whisky to thank him for his help with Madge the Midget. For new readers, I should explain that Madge is Joy’s MG Midget car.

Tom tells this to Natasha and asks her doesn’t she think that’s weird? The answer to that is ‘no’ and Natasha says that Joy probably only wanted to thank Tony. Tony, Joy goes on, is a lovely man and Pat and Tony are rock solid as a couple, so stop worrying. Oh, if only. Tom’s worries are compounded when Joy arrives at the door, bearing the aforementioned single malt and a batch of gingerbread.

Joy is invited to help dress the tree and demonstrates an eye for decoration. Tom also notes that she asks Tony to help her down from the ladder and she stays for drinks. She also lets slip that she will be home alone on Christmas Day. Pat says that they cannot allow that and tells Tom and Natasha that Joy will be joining them for Christmas lunch. “Actually, I quite like her” Pat says.

Tom has already described Joy as “brazen” to Natasha and his feelings must have shown on his face, as Pat says that Joy’s family have let her down. Even better, Joy has volunteered to come over early and help Tony prepare the vegetables, which will enable Pat to do a couple of hours’ volunteering at the Elms. Tom expresses his doubts, but Pat lays down the law, saying: “I want Christmas to be perfect - I want to see smiles and goodwill all round - ok?” With that, Pat exits the kitchen and Tom turns to Natasha - he’s sure this is all part of Joy’s master plan; not only has Joy got herself booked in early, but she has got Pat out of the way.

This begs the question, what does Tom think will happen? Will Joy ravish Tony across the kitchen table, scattering sprouts and parsnips hither and yon with gay abandon? Perhaps Tom should consider that Helen will be there, as will Henry and Jack, and, if Tom is so concerned, then perhaps he should turn up early and help with the vegetables? He sticks to his theory of Joy’s master plan, asking his wife “Look at the evidence - you can’t still think I’m being paranoid?” For my opinion, look no further than the title of this week’s blog, but, as we will see, on the morrow, things get much worse than Tom just having a misunderstanding, as it all goes nads up on the day. 

On Christmas morning, Natasha tells Tom again that there’s nothing going on between Joy and Tony and gradually, the guests arrive. Lee turns up and is full of trepidation; especially when he learns that there will be after-lunch party games. The meal is excellent and, during it, Tom is getting stuck into the wine big time. While they are waiting for the pudding, Joy says that she has heard there will be charades and would anyone like a rehearsal while they are waiting? She ends up with Tony and the film they are enacting is ‘Dirty Dancing’ (see earlier comment about ravishing Tony on the kitchen table). 

It is all too much for Tom, who (well - fortified with wine, let’s not forget) says that he’s had enough - he’s sick of Joy “sniffing round Tony - it makes me sick.” Joy is aghast and says “Tony is a lovely man, but not my type. I‘ve ruined it all” and she rushes off, in tears. Tony and (especially) Pat are incensed by their son’s behaviour. “I could kill him” she tells Tony later. Tony, Pat and Natasha drag Tom off to apologise to Pat and Joy, with Natasha describing her husband as “a prize idiot.”

Bearing in mind that this is Lee’s first Christmas at Bridge Farm, you can forgive him for being a tad bemused as Pat, Tony, Natasha and Tom rush out of the house in pursuit of Joy. “What just happened?” asks Lee, adding “To think I was nervous about making a good impression”, and he and Helen collapse in hysterical laughter. Well Pat, was this Christmas perfect enough for you?

The Festive Season was short on perfection for Kenton too - on Sunday, he is extremely ratty and bleary-eyed, having been kept awake at night by the calls of Eccles, the peacock. Kenton lets it be known that he could cheerfully throttle the bird. His mood is not improved when Lilian reminds him that they have Angus Shrimpton (an interior designer) arriving on Boxing Day to give them a free appraisal (courtesy of Justin Elliott) of what can be done to improve The Bull. Kenton says that business is very good, and he is worried that Angus will want to turn what is a locals’ pub into a Wine Bar.

When Angus turns up, he appears to be the epitome of exactly the sort of pretentious git that Kenton feared (no socks and - according to Lilian - expensive loafers. “I thought they were slippers” Kenton says). Angus describes the horse brasses (although he doesn’t know what they are) as “retro”. He won’t reveal his initial thoughts, but says he needs time “to mull it over” and “let it percolate”. He leaves The Bull. Saying “Laters” and Kenton lets it be known to Lilian that he wasn’t impressed. Could Angus be the bastard love child of Lynda Snell, I ask myself?

Of course, no Christmas in Ambridge would be complete without its taste of tragedy, and we had a hit-and-run incident on Boxing Day. After Angus departed, Kenton told Lilian that he had to go to the Cash & Carry to get some tonics. She said that she bought a case of tonics earlier, but Kenton says that they were artisan tonics (with unicorns and four-leaf clovers) and not the usual ‘cooking tonics’ favoured by the Ambridge peasants.

Kenton reverses out at speed and there is the sound, not unlike that of a peacock being squashed, and Kenton says “Oh no”. We next see him with Alistair, who solemnly declares the bird is dead; it has ceased to be; it has - but you can guess the rest, can’t you? Kenton begs him to not tell anybody, as nobody will believe that Kenton didn’t kill the bird on purpose after all his bad-mouthing of Eccles. Kenton begs Alistair to say that they found the bird dead. It seems that Alistair must have agreed, as on Friday Phoebe told Kirsty that Eccles had been the victim of a hit-and-run driver (a bit like Matt Crawford and Nic). No doubt Alistair will get a few free pints.

When it comes to falsifying evidence, we have another story; the Police have been in touch with Brookfield and Rex about the digger - licensed to Ambridge Farm Machinery - used in the ATM robbery, and Rex gets a call from Josh. Josh is worried because the digger seems to have been impounded and when will they get it back? Rex suggests that all will be ok - he says, almost in passing, that, once they can give the police the paperwork, all will be fine.

All well and good, but Josh says that there is no paperwork, nor an invoice and couldn’t Rex produce a back-dated document. “We haven’t done anything wrong” Josh says. “I haven’t done anything wrong” Rex corrects him. Then Josh’s signal breaks up. Don’t do it, Rex!

Let us now turn to matters supernatural. Monday saw the beginning of Jim Lloyd’s Ghost Stories in the Attic week-long gig. Alistair gets Jazzer on his own in the afternoon and says that Elizabeth has told him that they have sold only four tickets for tonight’s inaugural performance. This would be a disaster for Jim, says Alistair. Jazzer tells him not to worry - leave it to him. 

Alistair has little choice - why do animals seem to fall sick at Christmas? - and, on the opening night, there are only four people in the audience. Jim and Alistair are distraught, but Jazzer seems unconcerned. Sure enough, a crowd comes in - they are from The Laurels and the place is full. Alistair is grateful to Jazzer for organising it, but his thanks are tempered when Jazz tells him that Alistair will have to pay for the minibus.

We learn that one person was so scared that he fainted. This did Jim’s reputation no harm at all, and the rest of his performances are sold out. If I were Elizabeth, I’d keep him in the attic all year round. Lynda was impressed, saying what a great experience it was - praise indeed!

Over the years, Christmas has been a time of mixed fortunes for the Grundy family, but this year they seem to have been sprinkled with stardust this year. Firstly, they had a great success with Grundy World of Christmas and then they were invited to lunch (in a private dining room) at Grey Gables.

Before they set off, Eddie asks Clarrie what has she done to her face? She says that she has put lipstick on. Eddie remarks that things will be different this year and Clarrie says that she will miss the grandkids. “And dad” Eddie says. 

The lunch was superb, but Clarrie had to be stopped from stacking the plates. Clarrie says it has been a really special day and that Oliver has been a very good friend. “More like family, really” she says, as Oliver runs off to run a razor across his throat. No, that was unfair - Eddie had a surprise for Oliver; the very last bottle of Joe’s Sloe Gin. Oliver says that he doesn’t think he can take it, but Eddie insists. While they are getting through it, Oliver says how sad it is that the Grundys are leaving Grange Farm. Eddie says that it will be a fresh start. Oliver explains that he’d like them to stay on - “As long as you want to.” The Grundys are overcome, but what about the rent? Oliver says they can sort something out and they can stay “as a Christmas present to me”. I must be sending my present requests to the wrong Santa.

So, it’s another Christmas over and Neil and I want to wish our readers a Happy New Year. There are various storylines developing and we would love to hear your predictions for 2020, no matter how bizarre or outrageous. Thank you for your continuing support and we wish you all the very best for the coming year.

We are also pleased that, at the time of writing (8pm on Sunday 29^th December) our free hit counter numbered 353,526 

so thank you all once again and let’s hope there are lots more exciting storylines next year.

Neil and Peter

Susan Gets It Wrong (Again)

Charlotte Martin (Susan Carter)

It is one of the mysteries of life in Ambridge why nobody has yet killed Susan Carter – she is, without a doubt, the nosiest, most interfering and nosy busybody in the entire village, with a talent for leaping to (almost invariably) the wrong conclusion on the flimsiest of evidence. Take last week for instance; Pip was in the shop and bought a wedding magazine. The idea was to give it to David to give him some ideas for staging wedding receptions at Brookfield, but Susan assumed that Pip and Toby were getting married. Tracy put her sister right, calling her ‘a stupid mare’ into the bargain. 

To be honest, I am surprised that Tracy hasn’t killed her sister many times over. This past week, Susan complains that everybody else has met Tracy’s new man Roman and says that she and Neil ought to meet him, as Tracy “is inclined to rush into things.” Susan stalks her sister, sending her ten text messages, trying to find out where she is and is Roman with her? “Forget it – you’re not ruining it for me.” Tracy says.

Inevitably, Tracy’s luck runs out and she and Roman are confronted by Susan in the Tea Room. Susan immediately takes over, saying that they haven’t been introduced. “I’m Susan” she tells him. “My much older sister” Tracy adds. Poor Roman is then subjected to a Gestapo-like interrogation, after which Susan knows his entire life story and, I shouldn’t wonder, his shoe size and what he likes for breakfast.

Roman visits the loo (I half expected him to leg it out of the window) and Susan tells Tracy that she approves – he seems like a nice man. One might ask what the hell has it got to do with Susan what he is like – as long as he and Tracy are happy, it’s none of anybody else’s business, is it? I have made my decision – Susan is definitely the nosiest cow in Ambridge.

Mind you, in the annoying stakes, she has some competition, notably from Joy. Joy learns that Natasha is good at giving make-overs and bullies Natasha into going round hers with her lotions and beauty products. Afterwards, Natasha returns home, demanding a large brandy “Kill me now – I should have taken earplugs” she tells Tom, adding that Joy never once stopped talking. Natasha also says that Joy has “a humungous crush” on Tony and that he let her cry on his shoulder. Tom works out that this must have been the same day as Pat and Tony’s wedding anniversary and Tony told Pat that he had been talking to his garage friends about cars.

Tom is concerned, but Natasha tells him not to worry – it’s Joy who’s got the crush, not Tony. However, Tom is not convinced and says “Whatever – something’s not right.” Please Tom, don’t interfere – Tony is no Don Juan and I don’t think Pat has got anything to worry about.

The Grundy World of Christmas passed off successfully, with Eddie taking on the role of Father Christmas. He kept criticising Harrison’s performance until Clarrie realised what the matter was – Eddie really wanted it to be Joe and he took over the part. And so a new Grundy tradition is born. It was a good night for the Grundys, as not only did they trouser a fair bit of money, but Oliver invited them to Grey Gables for Christmas lunch. We may also have taken the first small steps towards a rapprochement between Emma and Ed, as Will let slip to her that it was Ed who gave him the money to buy back the coffee table that Emma liked so much, after her garage sale. We will see.

Over at Home Farm, Brian seems to keep forgetting that he is no longer running the place and he has a list of things that he believes Adam is doing wrong, accusing him of taking his eye off the ball and not seeing the bigger picture. Adam, who is suffering from sleep deprivation (Xander is teething) blows up at Brian, reminding him that he, Adam, is in charge now and Brian can butt out. Such unseasonable sentiments!

Mind you, Brian can be forgiven for not being in the best of moods, as he was subjected to a lecture from Martyn Gibson on the importance of maintaining confidentiality in business. Brian gives Phoebe a lift home and she is unhappy because neither Rex nor Pip are talking to her. She did what she did (ie kept quiet about the dodgy clauses in the BL contract because she is passionate about rewilding, she explains to her grandfather. Brian enquires whether Phoebe has considered asking Peggy for an extension on the time available to obtain the land for rewilding? “Missing the deadline would have been so unprofessional” Phoebe replies. “More unprofessional than misleading your business partners?” Brian asks her.

Someone who we seldom talk about in this blog is Philip Moss, Kirsty’s squeeze. We don’t know a lot about him, apart from the fact that he is older than her, is Welsh (he and Natasha were exchanging a few sentences in that language last week) and he is a builder. He also is a great fan of all things Christmassy, has seven different Christmas jumpers and a - some might say unhealthy – obsession with Christmas lights. Kirsty tells Helen that Phil keeps adding to the illuminations, both inside and out. “It’s like living in a lighthouse,“ Kirsty adds. When invited inside to view, a dumbstruck Helen can only say “Oh – my – word.”

One other thing we know about Philip is that his heart is in the right place. Kirsty is fruitlessly searching the Internet for possible grants that can be won for improving the environment. The local playground is in a mess and in dire need of refurbishment, but Kirsty is having no luck. Philip complains that she is spending a long time on the PC and he disappears. When he returns, we learn that he has had a word with Neil as Chairman of the Parish Council and that Phil has offered to carry out the refurbishment at cost price over the New Year holiday, when there is not much building work going on. Isn’t that sweet? What a nice man.

Over at Brookfield, one of our diggers is missing. Sgt Burns turns up, looking for Josh. David tells Harrison that Josh is away in Thailand or somewhere equally exotic for a few weeks. What does Sgt Burns want?

Earlier in the week, there was a raid made on a cashpoint machine in Darrington and a digger was involved. The digger was registered to Ambridge Machinery and the police would like Josh to pop in and have a chat.

David and Rooooth are unable to raise Josh on his phone, so they ring Rex, who is looking after the business while Josh is away. Rex confirms that there is a digger missing and he thinks that Josh loaned it to someone, but he doesn’t know who. Meanwhile, Josh remains incommunicado. “This is serious” says Rooooth, revealing once again that she studied at the school of the bleedin’ obvious.

Finally, Lee is getting his feet under the Bridge Farm table. Helen is horrified when he reveals that he has a microwave Christmas meal (”six minutes on high”) for Christmas Day as he will be on his own. She’d like him to come over for lunch but she is worried about how Henry might react – after all, it was Helen who stopped Henry from going to karate. As it turns out, Henry couldn’t give a monkey’s when he is asked if Lee could join them for lunch. “He’s your boyfriend, not mine” he reminds his mother. I can’t help thinking that the repast at Bridge Farm will be a bit better than the microwave meal – and who knows what Helen might suggest for afters?

Neil and Peter would like to thank our many loyal readers for their many comments throughout the year and for buying us some silage!

We hope that you all have a peaceful and happy Christmas

Rule Number One - Read Everything Before You Do Anything

Lucy Morris (Phoebe Aldridge)

I really cannot understand how PPR (Phoebe, Pip and Rex, aka Rewilding Ambridge) managed to win the contest for Peggy’s £500k  - I can only assume that they had professional help in drafting the business plan, as they demonstrated a lamentable lack of business acumen last week.

Brian tried hard to save them from themselves by warning Phoebe against signing the contract with Borsetshire Land. She, however, said that, whatever Brian thinks, rewilding is the main objective and, crucially, she never passed on Brian’s concerns to her two partners.

So it was that on Friday - the day of signing the contract - Brian turns up at Brookfield to try and persuade David to make PPR see sense. David is intrigued, as he said to Brian “We don’t often see you on the farm in a suit.” Never mind all that - Brian tells David that some of the clauses in the contract are extremely vague and open to various interpretations. For example, one clause says that PPR has to consult BL before making any decisions, plus David is appalled to learn that BL will take 75% of any profits. 

The signing ceremony is being held at a bar/bistro in Borchester and PPR are excited at being served canapés and champagne. Perhaps they should have heard warning bells when Justin suggests that, as BL are putting up most of the land for rewilding, perhaps their name should feature more prominently in the name of the rewilding organisation. What did he have in mind instead of ’Rewilding Ambridge’? ’Borchester Land Rewilding’ would be good, he suggests and, when Pip expresses doubts, Justin says that they can discuss it later.

Justin uses the occasion to congratulate PPR on their vision and he pays tribute to Peggy (who is there) for putting up the Trust money. Photographs are being taken, when David bursts in and tells Pip that he needs to talk to her - now! He tells her what Brian said about the ‘bendable’ clauses in the contract and says that Phoebe knew about these because Brian had discussed them with her. “I should have read the agreement” an anguished David tells his daughter. I’m sorry? He should have read the agreement? What about Pip - shouldn’t she have cast her eyes over it? And why didn’t Rex pick up on the dodgy clauses? Pip is angry with Phoebe, telling her partner “How are we going to work together if we can’t trust each other?” Phoebe bursts into tears as David calls Justin ‘a snake’ and snarls angrily “You’ve been caught out - my daughter is not going to sign any contract.”

Justin laughs and says “She already has - I can give you a copy if you like.” David and Pip leave and, all in all, I think it could be said that the inaugural meeting of Rewilding Ambridge could have gone better. However, perhaps if PPR had read the title of this week’s blog, things could have turned out differently.

As it is, there could still be further consequences; when David was talking to Pip, it became obvious that he had been fed inside information (he knew about the profit share split and the dodgy clauses) and you don’t have to be Hercule Poirot to work out who the informant must have been. As Martyn Gibson asked Justin “Did I overhear that [the David/Pip/Justin conversation] correctly?” When Justin said “You did”, Martyn says “Naughty, naughty Brian.” Get ready to report to The Rack, Brian.

Over at Berrow Farm, there is a nasty outbreak of tail biting (among the pigs, I hasten to add) and Neil and Hannah are blaming each other. Neil tells Rex that he’s sure Hannah is bad-mouthing him to Justin and Rex says he should stand up for himself. Justin has called a meeting for the next day with Neil and Hannah to discuss tail biting and Neil has obviously taken Rex’s words to heart, as he is assertive and positive about the problem. 

Why has it suddenly started? asks Justin. Neil says the only things that have changed are the introduction of a different cross breed and moving over to a cheaper feed mix. Either could have unsettled the pigs, Neil suggests (both were Hannah’s idea) and he recommends going back to the old feed mix. Hannah suggests buying in pigs with docked tails, but Neil is vehemently against this, as it reflects badly on the way the pigs are reared. Justin considers the situation and decides that Neil is right and they will go back to the old feed and there will be no docking.

When the meeting is over and Neil has gone, Hannah approaches Justin and says that, if he wants to explore any of her suggestions, she is available. Justin cuts her short by saying that they have had the meeting and he made his decision. “I know what you are doing Hannah - undermining Neil, and I won’t have it. I make the decisions and my decision is to trust Neil and his experience. I hope you will work with him on this.” 

Yeah, right. If you look upwards, Justin, you might be able to see pigs with undocked tails swooping over Berrow Farm. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that Hannah was actually doing the tail biting, just to blacken Neil’s reputation. She’s not really a person that I can warm to if I’m honest.

Let’s now turn our attention to thoughts of love. In last week’s blog, we bemoaned the fact that Lee has a girlfriend (Leanne) and it seemed that he and Helen would not get together. On Sunday, he turns up at Bridge Farm - he is confused and wonders what went wrong between them; he is looking for closure. Helen tells him all about Rob and his coercive behaviour and Lee says ‘thank you’ for telling him and he hopes they can still be friends. Impulsively, Helen kisses him and then apologises, whereupon he kisses her back. “What happens now?” she asks. “I don’t know, Helen, I don’t know” Lee replies.

What happens is that Lee phones Helen on Thursday and asks if he can tag along when she goes shopping. She agrees and, when they meet she asks what are they doing and is Leanne happy about it? Lee says he went to see Leanne and told her the truth, which is that he loves Helen and couldn’t stop thinking about her. The couple kiss and it looks as if things are looking up for Helen at last.

Is there romance in the air elsewhere? Also on Thursday, Tony visits Joy, bearing a gift of chrome polish for her MG Midget (this man knows the way to a woman’s heart). Joy prattles on about how she has invited daughter Rochelle and grandchildren for Christmas, while Tony polishes her car for her. Suddenly, Joy bursts into tears - she tells Tony that she is a liar; Rochelle and the kids are not coming for Christmas - nobody is. Tony asks why she lied. “Because I wanted you to think my family loved me” Joy replies, dolefully.

The oven pings and Joy says that she has made a beef casserole, but she gets depressed eating on her own. Tony, who has just said that he had better get going, replies that he loves beef casserole and polishing Madge (her car) has given him an appetite. The family won’t mind if he stays out a bit longer, he says, sitting down.

Unfortunately for Tony, he has forgotten that today is his and Pat’s wedding anniversary. “44 years” he says to Pat. “45 actually” she replies and hands him her present to him - a hand-made, sheepskin flying jacket. He is delighted, but tells Pat that his present is not so expensive. He’s right there, as he hasn’t bought her anything and you can’t get cheaper than that. Pat doesn’t mind - she’s sure that she can find something that he can buy for her, so run along and get changed. By the way, why was Tony out so late? He mutters some excuse about getting stuck at the garage, talking about cars and looking into bonnets. Never mind, Pat tells him - hurry up down as there is champagne and she has made Tony’s favourite; a hearty winter casserole. Just what he needs (again).

Robert Snell really is a woos. Having taken over as director of Ghost Stories in the Attic, he is terrified when he and Jim rehearse them. Even worse, Russ has found a sinister-looking waxwork, which Robert tells Lynda makes him uncomfortable; he swears the eyes follow him round the room. Lynda says (in a remarkably un-Lynda-like way) “In the words of Tracy Horrobin, grow a pair and pull yourself together.” Later that evening, Lynda asks Robert what he is doing. “I thought we could push the beds together tonight” her husband replies. Ha! In your dreams woos! Tuesday night ends with a startled (and presumably lonely) Robert crying out in alarm when he hears an owl hooting.

Speaking of Tracy, she came within an ace of getting the sack last week. Her lover (Roman, the actor) keeps ringing her up and doing impressions of actors. His Michael Caine is really good, but she tells him that his Sean Connery is rubbish. When the phone rings for a third time, she picks it up and replaces it immediately, much to Lynda’s consternation. Tracy says don’t worry; it’s only Roman messing about. Except that it isn’t - it’s Mr. McLeod, a regular customer from Scotland and Oliver had a very uncomfortable 45 minutes on the phone when he rang up to complain.

Oliver is very angry; he says that Tracy seems to perform well and then has a brainstorm that messes it all up. Lynda leaps to Tracy’s defence, saying that her work has been exemplary but Oliver is not so sure. Eventually he gives her one last chance and, as he walks away, he says “Don’t waste it.” Tracy is grateful to him and to Lynda, for her support. “If you were a cat, Tracy, I’d say this is life number nine” Lynda tells her.

David is upset with his siblings, who laugh when he tells them that Brookfield plans to increase its involvement in the marriage venue business. Kenton suggests that David doesn’t have the requisite people skills, while Elizabeth says that she will recommend Brookfield’s barn to those people who enquire about Lower Loxley and then realise that they cannot afford it. Jill asks him why is he so annoyed? “They think that Rooooth and I couldn’t organise a barn dance in a barn” he tells his mother, and he vows to prove them wrong. I’d stick to farming, if I were you, Dave.

Here We Go Again

Graham Blockey & Carole Boyd (Robert & Lynda Snell)

You knew it was going to happen; we knew it was going to happen and we predicted it on more than one occasion - Lynda was adamant that the Canterbury Tales was her Christmas swansong and she was finished with seasonal productions. Honest injun, positively, definitely, may she be thrashed if not, etc, etc, etc. Seasoned Archers listeners immediately dismissed this as bullshit and our suspicions were reinforced when she told Elizabeth (twice) and husband Robert that she cannot possibly go back on her word. What would the residents of Ambridge think? “My word is my bond” she tells Robert, thus revealing that she appears to be a Name at Lloyds. As to what would the villagers think, the title of this week’s blog says it all.

Let’s move on a day or two. Robert reveals how bleak past Christmases at Ambridge Hall must have been, when he tells Lynda that this year is different from the usual Christmas, as there are no scripts laying around, nor any props on the table. Were I Robert (ignoring the fact that I would have walked out long ago) I would fall to my knees and give thanks, but he tries to persuade his wife to help Elizabeth - who is obviously out of her depth - to take over the production of ’Ghost Stories In The Attic’ (GSiTA).

Lynda says Robert is correct, and she will phone Lizzie right away. We learn later that Lynda has agreed to help with props and so on. But who will direct Robert asks? Lynda’s answer is that he will. Aghast, Robert protests that he has never even directed traffic before, whereupon Lynda says (quite smugly, I thought) that she is “more than willing to lend a guiding hand behind the scenes.” You know what’s going to happen in the future, don’t you? When Lynda passes away, what’s the betting that, whoever takes over the mantle for the Christmas production contacts her via a Ouija Board (an Ouija Board?) for guidance?

On the subject of GSiTA, if he isn’t careful, Jim will be sectioned - he is walking around, talking to himself (he claims he is rehearsing and honing his stories) and even appeared in the shop, wearing a cloak. Meanwhile, Lizzie is going demented, as she has the printers demanding to know the wording that is required for the Programme and promotional leaflets and Jim still cannot make up his mind as to the final line-up of stories. Personally, I cannot help thinking that, should Jim find out that Lynda is offering directorial guidance, we could be in for a mega hissy fit and perhaps even a replacement narrator. If I lived in Ambridge, or its environs, I think I would go on holiday around Christmas time.

Over at Grange Farm, it appears that Christmas Day will be a bit short of bodies, as Joe won’t be there, nor Jake and Mia, nor George and Keira. We also learn that Will and Poppy won’t be present - they attend a bereavement event, along with Andrew (Nic’s first husband) and his children, Jake and Mia. Will apologises for things he said to Mia and wouldn’t blame Andrew for giving him a roasting. Instead, Andrew throws Will to the ground and gives him a good kicking, while yelling insults. 

I’m terribly sorry - I lapsed into a fantasy world there for a while - what Andrew actually did was to ask Will if he and Poppy would like to join the rest of the family for Christmas Day lunch? Will, who found the whole bereavement event both cathartic and helpful, says that he and Poppy would love to join them. I know that family is important at this time of year, but if I were Ed and faced with the prospect of spending most of Christmas Day with just Eddie and Clarrie, I would seriously consider going down to The Bull and getting slaughtered at lunchtime. 

‘Getting slaughtered’ is what Tom has planned for his nephew Johnny on Friday. Since the incident of Josh kissing Bella, Johnny has thrown himself into his work and is practically sleeping with the cows (or ‘my girls’, as he calls them, in a worryingly Jazzer-like way). “Get your glad rags on” Tom says, and we realise that this is a serious drinkfest, when Pat asks her son “are you wearing aftershave?” “I’m taking my nephew out on the Razz” Tom tells her. They are eschewing The Bull (Bella sometimes works there on Fridays) and hitting the high spots of Borchester. Apparently Jazzer has recommended a couple of pubs, “So they’re on the list to be avoided” Tom says.

At Brookfield, Josh is something of a pariah when it becomes known about his kiss with Bella. Freddie turns up, looking for Ben, and runs into Josh. Josh asks what time does Freddie’s and Lily’s birthday party start, to which Freddie replies that Josh isn’t invited, because of his kiss with Bella. Rooooth turns up and catches the last few sentences. What’s going on? Josh tells her to just forget it, but when he tells her what happened, she says that she is disappointed that he could do that to a mate.

Josh thinks that he has done nothing wrong (he tells Rooooth that it wasn’t him who was ‘unfaithful’ - even though it was only a kiss). On Thursday, he told his mother that he needed a holiday - he has been working hard and needs four weeks off, following the reaction to what we might call ‘Bellagate’ so he is going to South East Asia with ex-school friend Jake. Rex will look after the business while he is away and Josh is leaving on Monday.

Personally, I reckon that Josh just can’t bear the thought of having a Brookfield Christmas lunch that hasn’t been cooked by Jill, but travelling to Asia seems like an expensive alternative. Obviously the second-hand farm machinery market is more lucrative than we realised.

Helen appears to be regressing into love-struck teenager mode as she is dithering about whether to get in touch with Lee and, if she does, what can she say to him? Kirsty says that Helen should just text him and ask if he fancies meeting up for a coffee. This sparks another episode of dithering – what if he doesn’t reply? Kirsty says that, in that case, Helen won’t have lost anything and, when Helen is still unable to decide, Kirsty takes her phone and sends Lee the message.

We then have more anxiety from Helen, then her phone rings. Is it Lee? No; it’s Pat, telling Helen that she is preparing a stew for supper. Then the phone rings again – this time it is Lee and he’d love to meet for coffee on Friday. Helen tells Kirsty that she feels like she has been given a second chance. “Then take it” Kirsty urges. “I will – and this time I won’t mess it up” Helen says, and, to show her determination, she books a hair appointment.

The meeting is amicable enough and Helen is on the point of explaining why, on their last meeting, she broke down and fled Lee’s flat, sobbing and screaming. “You didn’t do anything wrong before – it was all me” she tells him. However, before she reveals exactly why she behaved as she did, Lee has some news of his own; he is still working at the hospital and is seeing a girl – Leanne – who also works there. In fact, he ought to be going, as he’s meeting Leanne in the pub round the corner. He and Helen say polite goodbyes to each other and Lee leaves. Helen rings Kirsty, who asks how did it go? “Not good,” Helen replies, adding “He’s not interested, Kirsty. Meeting him was a mistake – Lee and I had our chance and I blew it. It was my own fault – I messed it up, just like I mess everything up.” And the week ends with the sound of Helen sobbing.

The Rewilding Ambridge project is still moving slowly along. Phoebe is all for accepting Justin’s offer, but Pip isn’t so sure – she doesn’t trust Justin and she’s sure that David and Rooooth would be horrified to think that PPR would take Justin’s money – especially after he misled them over the sale of the abattoir. Pip wants more time to think about it, but Phoebe reminds her that time is of the essence if they are to meet Peggy’s deadline and free up some Trust cash. Rex, meanwhile, is sitting firmly on the fence.

Phoebe receives a surprise visit from grandfather Brian, who tells her that he has had a preview of the offer from Justin and he is horrified – on no account should she sign up to it. Justin, Brian explains, is having difficulty in getting planning permission for a BL development and, should he get involved in rewilding Ambridge, his green credentials will be enhanced and the objections could well be forgotten. “It’s a greenwash” Brian tells Phoebe.

To his surprise, Phoebe doesn’t seem to care, as rewilding is the most important thing (no doubt getting her hands on £500k also has a lot to do with it). Brian begs her to at least run the agreement past a lawyer – Justin has added some clauses which are extremely detrimental to PPR. Brian also points out that the fact that he is telling Phoebe all this is highly irregular and he is putting his membership of the BL board on the line.

While all this is going on, Pip talks to Toby about her concerns about Justin – she just cannot trust him after the abattoir incident. Toby makes the point that Pip is taking her parents’ worries on board and that she should follow her heart and not worry about what David and Rooooth think. 

Pip takes Toby’s advice and tells her two partners that she has been fixated on Justin, but she realizes that the rest of the BL board are decent people. She’s made her decision and thinks, while she doesn’t trust Justin, she does trust Rex and Phoebe. This is the opportunity of a lifetime and they should go ahead with the deal. Phoebe says that she will set up a meeting with Justin to sign the contract. “Rewilding is finally coming to Ambridge” she tells them, triumphantly, although, if Brian is right, it could well all end in tears.

Sergeant Santa

James Cartwright (Harrison Burns)

Having decided that the Grundy World of Christmas is a goer, Eddie is now frantically searching for a Santa. People are obviously feeling sorry for what the Grundys have been going through and are volunteering in such numbers that he is having to beat them off with sticks. In fact, Sgt Burns is distraught when he was told that he had missed the deadline and he begged Eddie to add his name to the list of applicants.

And Harrison isn’t alone, as other contenders that we know about include Leonard, Jazzer, Robert Snell, Kenton and Derek Fletcher, to name but a few. Clarrie suggests to Eddie that he holds auditions in the Village Hall and everyone can be seen on the same day. Russ is at the Hall, looking for props for the Lower Loxley ghost stories in the attic performance and there is a misunderstanding with Clarrie, who thinks he has turned up to audition and she adds his name to the list as a favour. Russ hasn’t got the heart to tell her that he’d rather disembowel himself than play Santa (she said how nice it was that everybody was rallying round the family) and so Russ spends the day fervently praying that he doesn’t get picked.

He doesn’t, but it was a close-run thing, as the final three were Russ, Kenton and Sgt. Burns, with Harrison shading it. Hasn’t he got to be on duty? Of course, it could be a cunning ploy, as the last time Sgt. Burns attended a party (his own Stag night) he busted Freddie Pargetter for dealing dope. Perhaps he’s got his eye on one of Eddie’s nearly-legal scams.

Leonard finally got round to proposing to Jill, but she stopped him after one sentence, saying that, while she does love Leonard, she made her vows to Phil and she doesn’t want to get married. He says he feels the same way about his late wife Sylvia and the couple kiss, after agreeing to carry on as they are. However, Leonard has another proposal, as Jill tells David later. Simon (Leonard’s son who works in Singapore) will be over for Christmas and wants to take his Dad and Jill out for lunch at a top hotel on the day. Jill tells David that she’d like to accept if he doesn’t mind (or even if he did). To put it another way, David, cook your own damn turkey.

Helen and Kirsty take Helen’s boys to Underwoods to see Santa and there is a moment of panic when Helen realises that Henry has gone missing. The panic is over, however, when he returns, leading Lee, the karate instructor, who he spotted in the crowd. Kirsty tactfully leads the boys away to find Santa, leaving Helen and Lee to get re-acquainted. Or not, as the case might be, as the conversation is stilted and punctuated by awkward silences and discussions about how is the cheese coming along? When Kirsty returns, she is disappointed that nothing seems to have happened. Doesn’t Helen think that perhaps meeting up with Lee was meant to be? Helen’s reply is that that is just a load of rubbish – it was just a coincidence. “Let’s leave it at that, shall we?” she says, with a note of finality. Pity – I had hoped that she and Lee would get it together, and I suppose there’s still time. Fingers crossed.

In last week’s blog, we described how Lily and Johnny fell out when Lily told him about Bella being kissed by an unknown man at Freddie’s party. Lily and Phoebe are hanging around outside The Bull, wondering if Bella is on duty, when Johnny turns up. He apologises to Lily for what he said and he realises that she was just looking out for a mate and, anyway, he and Bella are solid once again. In fact, he has come to pick Bella up, as he’s cooking lunch for her.

As they talk, it becomes obvious that Bella isn’t happy. Johnny says that the kiss doesn’t matter and they can get over that, but Bella says that she thinks they are finished – Johnny has changed from the person she loved and she doesn’t know where the old Johnny has gone. If by this she means that he is mooning around like a love-struck calf, I’m with her 100%. Bella also lets slip that the man in the photo was Josh and is surprised that Johnny didn’t know. There is the sound of a glass being broken and an angry and upset Johnny tells her to go – go now.

The next day, we are treated to another example of the tactlessness of Freddie Pargetter; Johnny has told him that Bella has dumped him and Freddie won’t stop going on about it, asking “but why?” and wondering who she has dumped him for. This is despite Johnny repeatedly saying that he doesn’t want to talk about it and trying to change the subject. Just as it looks like Freddie might shut up, Johnny reveals that the other man in the photo was Josh, and Freddie is off on one again, saying that surely Johnny should go round and have it out with him? How could he do that to a mate? Freddie has all the sensitivity of a granite condom and he just doesn’t know when to leave well alone – Johnny was feeling bad enough before Freddie started giving him advice.

There were irreconcilable artistic differences at Lower Loxley when Elizabeth – in what we can only assume was a moment of madness, or weakness – appointed Russ as the director of ‘Ghost Stories in the Attic.’ Jim tells Russ that he neither needs, nor wants, a director, but Russ reminds him of Lizzie’s depression and her fragile mental state – surely Jim doesn’t want to do anything that might set her recovery back? This emotional blackmail works and Jim agrees to give it a go.

As fair cracks of the whip go, this state of affairs lasted about five minutes. Jim’s idea is to sit in a chair, reading, but Russ wants more drama – how about if Jim were to be discovered in a foetal position on the floor, from which he slowly unfolds? Jim is not impressed and, when Russ suggests that he holds a child’s wooden windmill as a prop, that’s the last straw. “Think what you can do with this toy” exhorts Russ. “Believe me, I am” Jim replies, sourly and rushes off to tell Elizabeth that this scenario is never going to work and he cannot work with Russ.

Lizzie makes an executive decision – Jim will read the stories as he wants to and Russ will be in charge of set design. They will work independently, without consulting each other and, should there be any disagreement, Lizzie will decide and her decision is final.

The staff at Grey Gables are saying goodbye to Dimitrios, from the kitchen. The party will be held at Tim’s Taverna and is arranged by Tracy. Lynda decides that it isn’t highbrow enough and says that she will do some research into a Greek theme. It transpires that this means plate smashing and a mime game of her own devising, entitled ‘Which Greek God am I?’ Tracy points out that the evening is supposed to be fun and, against all the odds, people seem to be enjoying it, although that’s probably due more to the wine than a love of pretentiousness.

Things are going well, until Tracy tells Oliver that she never cleared plate-smashing with the owner of the Taverna. At this point, her attention is diverted when she spots Roman (the actor) entering the tavern and she is off like a shot, after him. Lynda is urging everyone to smash a plate and the tavern owner is going mad, as they are his best plates.

The evening ends somewhat abruptly after this and Oliver is outside, where the minibus is waiting to take them away. But Oliver is concerned – where is Tracy (he was just on the point of telling her how he values her friendship when she spotted Roman and was off). Oliver is all for waiting for Tracy, but Freddie tells his boss that he saw Tracy leaving “with that actor fellow.” I’ll say this for Tracy; she’s not one to let the grass grow under her feet.

On Tuesday, the PPR consortium made their pitch to the board of Borsetshire Land – or rather Phoebe did, as Pip and Rex were there, as Pip explained to Brian, as back-up. Phoebe was disconcerted when Brian told her that a) as her grandfather he would have to absent himself from her pitch and b) if it came to a vote, then he wouldn’t be allowed one. So, that’s one friendly face down, but Justin Elliott wished her good luck.

Phoebe put up a good show, but at the end, she was ambushed by questions, posed by Justin, that she had no proper answers for. The result was that the board said they’d discuss rewilding and let the trio know by the end of the week. It looked bad for PPR, but Rex said that their next move was obvious – Justin is BL’s largest shareholder, so they will have to target him.

Rex puts his plan into action and learns from Justin’s secretary that he is having some ‘me time’ at the driving range. Rex ‘accidentally’ meets Justin and the pair decide to share a bay. Afterwards, Rex offers to buy Justin a drink and they are soon deep in conversation. They find they have a mutual love for rugby and Justin is impressed that Rex was a professional player, until his career was cut short by injury.

The talk turns to rewilding and Rex reveals that PPR really need the land from BL. Can Justin help? He thinks for a moment and says he will make a couple of phone calls and could Rex meet him in The Bull around 9pm?

At the appointed time, Rex is there with Phoebe and Justin walks in. Eagerly, they ask him if he’s reached a decision? The answer is ‘yes’, much to their delight and Justin tells them that BL is prepared to offer PPR 270 acres, which will more than meet their targets and free up some of Peggy’s trust money. However, Justin didn’t get where he is today by being generous and cuddly and he says that BL would want to keep the decision under wraps, subject to agreement of terms.

Phoebe and Rex are mystified – terms? What terms is he talking about?

Justin says that this isn’t a straightforward land rental agreement, but a shared farming deal. Anything else? Oh yes – the deal is that BL would take a percentage of any profit generated. What sort of percentage? “75%” Justin answers. Ouch! Beware Greeks and Justins bearing gifts, Rex and Phoebe.