You Can Certainly Pick Them, Kirsty

Andy Hockley (Philip Moss)

In the ultimate paragraph of last week’s blog, we ventured to suggest that Philip Moss was tempting fate when he was making predictions that next year would be the best ever for him and Kirsty. Tempting Fate, or what, we asked?

Things started to go nads up on Wednesday, when Kirsty returned home from work to find Gavin with his suitcase packed, and on the point of leaving the house. Where is he going, Kirsty asks him and he replies that he is going back to live with his mother. “Is it the gambling again?” Kirsty asks, to which Gavin gives a mirthless laugh, and tells her that the gambling story was all a lie. He adds that the life that Kirsty is living isn’t real, and he wanted to tell her at the wedding what Philip is really like.

By this time, Kirsty is getting scared and asks him what is he talking about? Rather unhelpfully, Gavin says “You’re a lovely person Kirsty – you just need to open your eyes!” And on that enigmatic note, he is gone, leaving a perplexed – and deeply worried – Kirsty behind.

However, the show must go on, and Kirsty appears in Freddie’s Christmas extravaganza at lower Loxley (which was a great success, incidentally, but more of this later). Talking to Kirsty afterwards, Roy senses that all is not well and asks what is the matter? Kirsty tells him how weird Gavin was and she wonders out loud if her husband is having an affair. Roy tries to reassure her that Philip adores her; to which Kirsty asks that Philip is certainly hiding something and, if it isn’t an affair, then what is it?

This brings us to Thursday evening and Philip returns home, having spent the night away for work – something else that did nothing to banish Kirsty’s misgivings – and she confronts him with her suspicions; was he with another woman? “Where is this all coming from?” a mystified Phil asks and, when Kirsty tells him that Gavin told her that Philip isn’t who she thinks he is, Philip says that he and his son had had an argument about Gavin’s gambling problem.

Bad luck Philip! Kirsty says that she knows that is a lie – Gavin told her as much. "Of course he did – he’s an addict” replies Philip, and he says again that he is not having an affair, but his wife is unconvinced. Eventually, however, Philip reveals what happened some time ago, when his business was on its knees, and he took a lad off the streets to work for him and gave him a home, with TV and computer games. Phil makes the mistake of referring to his workers as “the horses” and she picks up on this and asks him if he paid them or not. “I paid them in kind” he replies.

Philip then makes another mistake by saying they might all be dead by now if he hadn’t rescued them; Kirsty Poirot seizes on the ‘all’ and asks, incredulously: “You kept on doing it?” She cannot believe it, as she used to help Philip by doing his books. Philip then reveals that there were two sets of books. “What you were doing is criminal” says a shocked Kirsty (as if he didn’t know.)

Never mind, says Philip, as it’s all over now – the firm has been wound up and the pair of them have a new life to look forward to. In response, Kirsty says that she realises that she has been living a lie and she continues to question her husband, and ties him up in verbal knots, by picking holes in his story, if that isn’t mixing metaphors somewhat.

One such testing question is ‘where are the lads now?’ and Phil’s answer “Does it matter? They’re out of our hair” does not chime with Kirsty’s new-found concern about the horses, which is increased when she learns that Blake is not – as she has been told – at home with his family in Norfolk. She is not convinced either when Philip says that he sent them to work for someone else. Could have been worse Phil – at least you never revealed that, by, ‘sent’ you meant ‘sold’.

At this moment, there is what can only be described as ‘a hammering’ on the door and we hear Roy asking loudly if Kirsty is OK? Kirsty screams at Phil not to touch her and she shouts at Roy to call the police. She lets Roy into the house and, when Philip asks him politely to leave, Kirsty says that she wants him to stay. Philip says that he meant every word of what he said at their wedding – “You have to believe me – I am the man you married.” Kirsty’s response is that, if he really has changed, then prove it by going outside and telling the police (who have recently turned up) what happened to the lads. Philip does go outside and a policewoman says “Mr. Moss? We’ve had a report of a disturbance.” “I know. I’m the man you’re looking for” Philip replies, and so the week in Ambridge ends.

Of course, there were other stories this week; some of them involving Tracy. On Monday, she runs into Oliver in the Grey Gables bar. Oliver has heard about Roman leaving for the Maldives and he realises that Tracy is very down about it. Grey Gables is hosting a virtual rehearsal later that night and Oliver is keen that Tracy stays to take part. Exactly how far there is to go in getting this production on the rails is revealed when Tracy says that, bearing in mind that the opening night is only a couple of days away, half the cast don’t even know what is the reading that they are supposed to be – well – reading on the night.

Tracy tells Oliver that Roman had asked her to go to Grey Gables for a meal on Christmas Day, but she turned him down; how could she abandon her two kids, her father and idiot brother Gary while she was being wined and dined by her lover? The words ‘only too easily’ spring to mind, but Tracy obviously has family loyalty. Having said that, she moans to Oliver that, here she is, in her 40s, with two kids and still living with her father. Roman, she tells Oliver, was far from perfect “but he was perfect for me. Face it – me and the kids; that’s my life.”

Oliver persuades Tracy to stay for part two of the rehearsals and asks her what is she doing later? “Nothing interesting, why?” Tracy asks. The answer is that he wants to treat her to a Christmas meal, which he does, including cracker jokes. She tells him that she is enjoying herself and Oliver replies that it is his pleasure and that she deserves a treat and should not underestimate herself or sell herself short. Compare and contrast this attitude towards employees, as they used to say on examination papers, with the approach adopted by Philip Moss. There, that didn’t take long, did it?

But let’s return to the preparations for Freddie’s Lower Loxley Christmas production. With Roman sodding off to the Maldives, the whole burden falls on Freddie’s shoulders. With horror, Freddie realises that Roman’s approach to rehearsals can be summed up as ‘we’ll park that for now’ and nobody has any idea what they should be doing. Thank God it is a reading and that there are no lines to learn by heart. Having said that, it is always an advantage to know exactly what you are supposed to be reading.

Freddie conducted his first virtual rehearsal and, as he told Lily, it was a disaster. He wore reindeer antlers, under the belief that it would cheer people up, but the general reaction was ‘who’s the prat in the antlers?’ He asks Lily to walk the course with him and check timings (social distancing and number restrictions mean that readings are taking place at various locations around Lower Loxley).

It turns out that some of the timings are physically impossible, but things get worse, as the twins notice that there is one reading that cannot be accounted for. It is in one of the most prominent locations and was earmarked for Roman. Who can they get to fill in at such short notice? Freddie has an idea, but tells Lily that he doesn’t know if the person he is thinking of will give him the time of day. That person is Eddie and Freddie goes to see him. Eddie says he will do it for the benefit of the community and for charity, but it appears that Roman chose a poem by Milton, and Eddie finds it incomprehensible – how will the kiddies understand it?

What they need, says Eddie, is his father, Joe, who was a master storyteller – er, he’s dead Eddie. Eddie then retails a story that Joe used to tell, and apologetically tells Freddie that he doesn’t think he can help him. But wait! Freddie has a lightbulb moment and tells Eddie (I am paraphrasing here) ‘Sod Milton – tell a story about your dad.’ Eddie does this, and it goes down a storm.

Before we finish with Eddie, he, Clarrie and Poppy go out carol singing. The atmosphere and the Christmas lights get the better of Eddie and he goes down on one knee to ask Clarrie if she would consider renewing their marriage vows? He also asks if she could hurry up with her answer, as the verge is wetter than he realised (the big romantic!). Anyway, she says yes.

Elsewhere, David keeps his lunchtime date with Vince Casey. Rooooth is under strict instructions to phone him 30 minutes into the date, so that David can make an excuse and leave. As it turns out, it is not the ordeal that David feared, as Vince says no talk of business. Vince arrived in a Rolls Royce, which David thought a bit flash, but Vince reveals that he bought it for his father, who thought it too good to use as a regular source of transport and only used it to take his wife to church – the rest of the time, he drove an old Vauxhall Viva. David is pleasantly surprised, as he tells Rooooth, when she does phone up, albeit horribly late.

For the finale, we return to Tracy. She is taking part in Freddie’s show and, when she comes across Jazzer rehearsing his contribution, she takes the mick. So much so that Jazzer storms off. Eddie, who is conducting the rehearsal, admonishes her. “I can’t help it,” she replies, “he rubs me up the wrong way.” Eddie acts as peacemaker and, after the show, Tracy makes a point of seeking out Jazzer and telling him how good he was. Jazzer is pleasantly surprised and the pair agree a truce over the Brad and beer incident. Although it’s late, they wonder if there are any mince pies left and go off to the kitchen, where there’s a fire. The atmosphere is cordial and we are left wondering if a romance could develop and perhaps Jazzer could be rubbing Tracy up the right way before long.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Neil and Peter would like to wish all our readers all the very best for the coming year and can only hope that 2021 is less stressful than 2020

Thank you for your loyalty over the past 12 months and please let us know what you think of the blog, as we like to know your opinions 

In the meantime, we wish you all health and happiness

 

Surely Not Such A Difficult Choice, Tracy?

Susie Riddell (Tracy Horrobin)

Roman, Tracy’s actor ‘friend’, is on the horns of a dilemma; he tells her that he has been offered a job as actor/director at a hotel complex. “But it’s not local” he warns his lover, adding “In fact, it’s over 5,000 miles away – it’s in the Maldives.” Tracy is somewhat taken aback, but Roman has another surprise for her when he tells her that he wants her and the kids to go with him.

Speaking to sister Susan later on, Tracy says that, if she didn’t have kids, she’d have her bags packed already, but as it is she knows the difference between a daydream and real life. “Give me three good reasons why you should stay here” Susan tells her, to which Tracy replies “Brad, Chelsea, Dad.” What part of ‘good reasons’ do you not understand, Tracy?

However, Susan presses on, seemingly unaware that she is making a rod for her own back, when she says that no problem is insuperable – if Tracy is worried about taking Chelsea away when she should be taking her GCSEs, then the answer is simple – Chelsea can stay with Susan until her exams are over, then she can fly out and join her mother and brother. Exactly what Chelsea would think about having to study while the other members of the family are relaxing in golden sunshine on white sands by an azure ocean, we aren’t told, but I’m willing to bet that it is not ‘I’m really, really glad I’m here in Ambridge.’ And what of Dad? Presumably Susan would have him put down.

Tracy promises Roman that she will give him her answer that evening, when the pair attend ‘Deck the Hall’ at Lower Loxley. She strings him along for a bit, then when he says that, if she doesn’t go, then neither will he, Tracy says “Go on then – let’s see if we can make this work.”

Roman sends her photos of the view from their apartment (this is at 2 am), but it soon becomes apparent to Tracy that her daydream is nothing more than a pipe dream and that neither of them has really thought this through. For a start, the cheapest flight that Tracy can find on the Internet is over £1,000 and the apartment is just two bedrooms – hardly big enough for her, Roman and two teenagers. She realises that this is just fantasy – what about visas? Would she be able to get work out there? 

Roman says he loves her, to which Tracy asks if he loves her enough to stay in Ambridge? When he doesn’t answer, she says “No; I didn’t think so.” The following day, Roman tracks Tracy down – he’s unhappy at the way their last conversation ended and wants to talk. “I’ll miss you – I’ve never met anyone quite like you” he says.

“I don’t really do long goodbyes” Tracy says, to which Roman answers “This is it then.” Whatever happened to ‘if you don’t go, then neither will I’? At least the parting is amicable, as Tracy tells him “Make sure you knock their socks off over there.” And that’s that. Throughout this performance, nobody seems to have given any thought to the fact that Roman is going to find it bloody difficult to direct the Lower Loxley Christmas extravaganza from the Maldives and that Freddie is presumably now in total charge – his task will not have been made any easier by the fact that nobody knows what parts they are supposed to be playing and that there has been nothing in the form of a rehearsal. I just hope that Lynda is not disinterred from her crypt to pull his chestnuts out of the fire.

When Susan finds out that her sister has turned Roman’s offer down, she is horrified and, when Tracy says that he was “only summer loving material” she is not fooled. Actually, Susan is probably relieved that Tracy is staying put, as she (Tracy) is leading the online ‘reinstate Susan Carter’ campaign. Yes, Susan has finished her final show on radio Borsetshire. She tells her listeners that she is leaving due to pressure on her home life, but we know that she has been tossed aside like a spent match. 

There is further disappointment when she asks Neil what did he think of her farewell performance? The answer is ‘nothing’, as he didn’t hear it (some people do have jobs to go to, Susan). Susan affects indifference, but Neil isn’t fooled and suggests that they listen together on catch-up. As well as the radio show, there are complimentary comments and demands for Susan to be reprieved on the website; presumably these are from the Borsetshire Masochists’ Society.

Early in the week we were treated to another example of Grundy incompetence. For reasons I don’t understand, Oliver is helping Eddie pluck turkeys – Oliver mutters something about repaying the Grundys’  hospitality or similar, which is a tad strange, as Grange Farm belongs to Oliver. Anyway, Oliver asks Eddie about the number of turkeys that he has sold – has he got a definitive list of customers? “It’s all up here” Eddie replies confidently, presumably tapping his head. Well, there’s plenty of room for it there, as a quick count up by Oliver reveals that Eddie’s orders are around twenty birds short of the number needed. What is Eddie to do – disappoint the new customers that he has recently signed up, or really hack off some of his regular turkey buyers by not providing them with birds? Either way, it does not bode well for customer relations, nor for business in future years. Christmas is fast approaching, so what can Ambridge’s most incompetent entrepreneur do to get out of this one? 

The answer seems obvious to Eddie – buy in some extra birds at the auction. Unfortunately, as a worker at the auction, Eddie would not be allowed to bid. Never mind – Oliver can buy the birds; Eddie will indicate which birds to buy and, when the bidding gets too high, he will scratch his left ear to indicate to Oliver that he should pull out. What could possibly go wrong? We are talking Grundys here, remember.

Firstly, Oliver has a bad attack of the ethics – people buy Grundy turkeys because they are hand- and home-reared and what Eddie is proposing is tantamount to fraud, in Oliver’s opinion. Eddie does a bit of semantic juggling, describing the turkeys as ‘supplied by the Grundys’ and, in the end, he wears Oliver down and he agrees to go along with the plan.

Snag number two manifests itself on auction day, when Oliver gets carried away by the thrill of the chase and continues to bid, even though Eddie is scratching his ear like a madman. Oliver took a dislike to one punter in particular and, as he tells Eddie afterwards, he (Oliver) was determined not to be outbid. While they are loading up the van, all Eddie can do is moan about how much it has cost him in lost profits. Oliver shuts him up by reminding him that if Oliver hadn’t noticed the shortfall in the bird numbers, then Eddie would be facing a lot of disgruntled customers. I just hope that they remembered to remove the Sainsbury’s labels from the birds (poultry from other supermarkets is also available).

The lads that work for Philip and Gavin had speaking parts last week. They were looking ahead to their new jobs and optimistic that the new guvnor would let them manage their own money and buy their own food. They spent a lot of the time bickering in the flat and I was quite touched when Blake suggested to Jordan and Kenzie that they should maybe buy Philip a present, as they won’t be seeing him very many more times. We learn later that they do buy Philip something, and that Gavin gave them some money to do it.

Being a big softie, I found this quite poignant and touching, as we listeners know that Philip is selling the boys to Victoria; a slave master. There is some dispute about whether Blake is damaged goods and is he really worth £20? But Philip says that he is selling the three lads as a package, which sounds quite noble (assuming you ignore the ethics of selling people like items of furniture, of course) until he tells Victoria “What you do with them after that is up to you, of course.” I hope the boys do not suffer too much.

Having said that, I begin to wonder if Philip is in for a Reckoning soon (after all, this is Ambridge, which we have often said in the past is somewhere where no bad deed goes unpunished). Not only that, but things seem to be going too well for Mr Moss senior for my liking, and you cannot help but think that he is riding for a fall.

The purchase of the property in Wales seems to be going along smoothly and Philip shows new wife Kirsty a slate house nameplate with the name ‘Cartrev’ on it. Helpfully, Philip explains that this means ‘home’ in Welsh. Other possible harbingers of disaster are when Phil tells Gavin “I’ve got the feeling that next year is going to be the best yet” and, when Kirsty asks Phil if he’s going to miss the boys when he retires and if he’s having any regrets, Phil replies “No, this is my time to move on.” He adds; “We’re going to start our new life in a fabulous cottage in the most beautiful country in the world.” A sure recipe for disaster if ever I’ve heard one. Incidentally, when listening to this last pronouncement from Philip, a friend said ‘Oh; aren’t they going to live in Wales, then?’ Biting or what?

Finally, as we approach the Festive (?) Season, Neil and Peter would like to thank all our readers for their support and comments, and thanks too to those who very kindly bought us some silage during the year. 

We wish you all a very happy and, above all, healthy Christmas and we will, hopefully, be back in 2021. 

Keep safe and well.

Neil and Peter

 

Thanks For The Advance Notice, Kirsty

Annabelle Dowler (Kirsty Miller)

Let’s begin at the end of the week. Kirsty goes to see Helen to ask her for a favour (“Nice dress” Helen tells her in passing) now what was the favour? “Are you busy this afternoon?” Kirsty asks and, to cut a long story short, it turns out that she and Philip have decided to get married and Kirsty would like Helen to be a witness (Gavin is the other one). Oh yes – one more thing – the ceremony is taking place today at 2pm.

So we have Helen applying her eyeliner in a car being driven at 40mph as the two girls speed off to the Register Office. Meanwhile, Philip and son Gavin are getting outside a pint or two of Dutch courage. In fact, one suspects that Philip has had a head start, as he – uncharacteristically – thanks Gavin. “What for?” his son asks. “For everything” Philip replies. Gavin then brings up the subject of the labourers that Philip has sold on to Victoria, the gang-master. Gavin has heard unsettling rumours about how one of her workers was taken to hospital, half-starved and beaten up, and Gavin pleads for Philip to reconsider selling the lads on. Philip, however, is having none of it “It’s my wedding day” he tells Gavin, adding that he wants to hear no more about the subject. Another example of spectacularly bad timing Gav.

At the Register Office Helen and Gavin start talking (well, there’s no-one else, to talk to is there?) and Helen recounts how she was trapped in a bad marriage and how Kirsty was the only one who could see how manipulative Rob was. Helen realises that her story is rather inappropriate for such an occasion as a friend’s wedding and she apologises to Gavin for putting a downer on things. He tells her not to worry, and then he has to go to the foyer, to pick up the buttonholes which he has inadvertently left there.

It’s obviously Gavin’s day for having young ladies pour out their hearts to him, as he finds Kirsty there, having a quiet sniffle or two – she has just been talking to her mother and was overcome with emotion. Gavin is very quiet and Kirsty immediately apologises to him, thinking that all this wedding activity must be reminding him of when he was planning to marry Kelly. Gavin tells her that she is very thoughtful and that he hopes that she and Philip will be really happy, to which she replies that she is very happy. And not only that; she is extremely proud of how Gavin has faced up to the problems in his life. It is in this mood of mutual self-congratulations that we move on to the actual ceremony (where we learn that the happy couple’s middle names are Cyril and June) and Philip says a few words about how Kirsty has made him a better person. 

At this, Kirsty leaps on him and has to be reminded by the Registrar that the service is not yet over and would she please get off him and carry on making her vows? At least the Registrar didn’t have to throw a bucket of water over them.

Elsewhere, Chris picks Alice up from the detox clinic and she announces her intention of going back to work tomorrow. She phones Helen for a catch-up and Chris is astonished at how glibly and convincingly his wife can lie about where she has been for the past two weeks – she tells Helen that she was staying with a friend in Bath and goes into great detail about what she did in her time in the city. I don’t know why Chris should be so surprised at his wife’s capacity for mendacity – after all, she pulled the wool over his eyes regarding her alcohol dependency for many, many months.

The trouble is that Chris is now in danger of becoming paranoid, as he is constantly checking up on Alice’s movements. For instance, Alice told him that she was coming straight home from work, but she was 10 or 15 minutes late – where has she been? Tied to the chair and with the spotlight shining in her face, Alice admits that she went to the shop. What for? Groceries for tonight’s dinner – and she has the parsnips to back up her story. Chris is still suspicious, but Alice says that if he carries on like this, he will drive her back to drink, which is not perhaps the most tactful thing to say.

Such is Chris’s growing paranoia that he even rings the midwife to discuss what possible effects Alice’s drinking could have had on the baby. Of course, Lauren (the midwife) doesn’t know and all she can say is that the scans look OK and they will just have to wait and see. She also mentions that she cannot really discuss details of somebody else’s case.

One thing that Lauren did say is that Chris and Alice are a very strong couple and obviously love each other. To reinforce this, Alice shows her husband a card that she made when in detox, which lists five reasons for not drinking. Two of these are because she loves Chris and that she wants to protect her baby. Right on cue, she feels the baby move and, a few minutes later, Chris feels it as well. They say how much they love each other and Alice says “I’m going to beat this Chris” but he corrects her, saying; “No, we’re going to beat this – all three of us, together.”

Earlier on, we mentioned Alice’s expertise when it came to telling lies about where she had been for the past fortnight, but she met her match when she went to see Peggy. Peggy was delighted when she learned that Alice had been in Bath, as that is one of her favourite cities and she wants to hear all about what Alice did there. Lesson number one Alice is, if you are going to tell lies, then you need to prepare your story thoroughly. Under Peggy’s questioning, Alice makes the odd slip or two and this brings a frown to Peggy’s face – as she tells Lilian later in The Bull, she is not convinced that Alice was ever in Bath, as her story didn’t ring true. But if she wasn’t there, then where was she, and what was she doing? Could she be having an affair, perhaps? Peggy tells her daughter that she knows a thing or two about betrayal, as her first husband was always being linked with other women, as well as being a complete lush to boot.

Lilian, who is frantically trying to attract Kenton’s attention for another round of G&Ts, pooh-poohs this idea and tells her mother that she is letting her imagination run away with her – anyone can see how happy Chris and Alice are, plus the fact that Alice is pregnant don’t forget. Peggy agrees that maybe it does sound rather far-fetched.

December 12^th marked the 21^st birthdays of the Pargetter twins. Before the event, we learn that they have vetoed Elizabeth’s plan to hold a virtual party – one reason given by Freddie is that he cannot bear the prospect of spending an evening “teaching Uncle David how to unmute.” What then can they do? Lily is not fussed about not having a party and Freddie accuses her and Russ of being boring and middle-aged before their time – well, certainly in her case, although Freddie does say that Russ really is middle-aged.

Stung at the accusation of being boring, Lily says that they should go out together – in fact, they should go out that very night, and she goes off to get ready. They go to a club/casino and, from various references about James Bond, it would appear that Freddie is wearing a tuxedo. The doorman asks for I.D. and we learn that Lily has left hers on the kitchen table. Memo to Lily; forgetfulness is one of the first symptoms of the onset of middle (or even old) age. What to do now? 

When we next hear them, they are playing Bingo and Lily is getting ridiculously excited, as she only needs two numbers for a Full House. Freddie, who is feeling a trifle over-dressed for the occasion, tells her to keep quiet, or they will be thrown out. In the end, she does win the Full House, and with it the top prize of £20. She says that it is the most fun she has had in ages (poor kid) and, while £20 isn’t a fortune, it does at least mean that they can get fish and chips on the way home. What was that you were saying about not being boring, Lily?

 

Thanks For Finding The Lego, Tony

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

I know you will find this hard to believe, but Monday’s episode begins with a moan from Tony, when he unexpectedly locates a piece of missing Lego on the stairs. That’ll teach you not to wear slippers Tony. As he witters on about it, daughter Helen tells him that he might not have to put up with it for much longer, and goes on to tell him that she is thinking about possibly buying Kirsty and Philip’s house.

Tony thinks this is a sound idea, but has Helen told Pat? Pat just loves having her grandchildren around, he tells her. And Pat is not alone, as later on Tony is talking to Joy Horville and tells her about Helen’s plans. Joy is delighted and immediately volunteers her services as a babysitter. It is all too much for Tony, who breaks down and tells Joy that he cannot imagine life without Helen and the two boys. He thanks her for being so understanding when she comforts him.

Later on that day, Helen tells her dad that she has informed Pat of her possibly moving out and Tony replies that he and Pat will help Helen out with the deposit, as they still have some money left from the sale of the land to Justin Elliott and Borsetshire Land. Helen is touched by the offer and says that she is looking forward to leading an independent life once again. She then blows it completely by telling Tony that things have got a bit behind at the Dairy and could he help out by picking up the boys? Oh yes – could he give them something for their tea as well? What was that about an independent life?

I find it strange that, when anyone moves in Ambridge, there is an outpouring of grief and/or anxiety. I could understand it if Helen and boys were upping sticks and setting off for Tristan da Cuhna or somewhere equally remote, but she’s not moving out of Ambridge. In fact, as the land on which the Beechwood Estate was built was sold off by Tony and Pat to Justin Elliott, you could argue that, technically, Helen won’t even be leaving Bridge Farm.

David tells sister Shula about how Elizabeth is dating Vince Casey and just what a bad idea he thinks it is. To David’s horror and disgust, Shula cannot see what David’s problem is, and she thinks that Elizabeth’s suggestion that David should get in touch with Vince and offer to meet up for a drink is a good one. David cannot see why he should talk to the man, but Shula urges him to message Vince and get it over with. David does so and gets an immediate answer – Vince thinks it’s a great idea; in fact, why don’t they make a night of it and go for an Indian afterwards?

If David was horror-struck before, that’s nothing to how he feels now.

Horror-struck could also describe the feelings of Gavin. He is confidently expecting father Philip to give up work and leave Gavin to run the business. Well Gavin, one out of two isn’t bad, as Philip does indeed intend to give up work, but, sadly, an examination of the firm’s books reveals that there is no money left in it and Philip will have to wind up the business. What will Gavin do? Philip says it could be a great opportunity for his son to start up as a sole trader – Philip will let him have the van and all the tools.

But if Philip sells his house, where will Gavin live? Philip says that they will sell the flat where Blake and the other two workers live and Gavin and Philip will split the money. But what will happen to the other workers? “I’ll be selling them on” replies Philip, and he reveals that he has already negotiated a price with a buyer. Gavin is appalled, as the buyer has a reputation for ruthlessness. “We owe the lads a duty of care” says Gavin; something which makes Philip think that his son has lost it completely. Personally, I think that it’s nice that Gavin is showing signs of having a conscience, but I think that he is doomed to disappointment this time.

As we get near to Christmas, it’s time for the annual village lights switch-on and this year Tracy has decided to join in and is waiting on the village green. Daughter Chelsea is in charge of the lights at their house and, when the time comes for the traditional switch on round the green, where each house in turn lights up, Chelsea is found wanting and misses her designated slot. Tracy gets a phone call and rushes off home, only to find that her son Brad got very drunk and returned home. He just had time to say “I don’t feel very –“ before he upchucked all over the furniture and carpet. Tracy is furious and finds a plastic flagon with the remains of some cloudy beer in it in the garden. “And when I find out where he got it, there’ll be hell to pay” she promises.

It doesn’t take her long to track down the culprit, and she goes round to Jim’s house to accuse Jazzer of selling his home brew to a minor. Jazzer protests that Brad had I.D., which prompts an astonished snort from Tracy – Brad is 14. One wonders what was the I.D. – his Cycling Proficiency Certificate, perhaps? Jazzer isn’t having any of this – he remembers well how, when she was Brad’s age, Tracy would be drinking cider in the Cat & Fiddle.

The discussion (for want of a better word) is becoming heated and Jim diplomatically suggests that they should postpone this dialogue until another date. Tracy and Jazzer are still snarling at each other, but Tracy takes the hint and leaves, but this incident is far from over.

Indeed it isn’t, as Jim admonishes Jazzer and says that he should apologise to Tracy. Jazzer goes round to her house, and there is not a good start to their conversation when he says that the place reeks of vomit and can they have a window open? Tracy icily replies that it is freezing outside and she has already cleaned the room – twice.

Jazzer’s ‘apology’ is remarkable, in that the words ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘my fault’ never pass his lips. He does offer Tracy £20 towards the cost of cleaning up, but she is far from impressed. Again, Jazzer reminds her of her form for underage drinking when she was Brad’s age, to which she replies “It’s different when it’s your own kid.” “Like mother, like son” says arch-diplomat Jazzer. Having initially refused Jazzer’s £20 offer, Tracy now asks him for the money – not for her, but for Brad, as compensation for his suffering. Just stop him going round to Jazzer’s to spend it, Tracy.

While we are on the subject of drink, our thoughts immediately turn to Alice, who is away having detox – or, if you believe the story put about by husband Chris, away visiting friends in Bath – leaving Chris at home to suffer loneliness and anxiety about her condition, as well as the strain of fending off enquiries as to why she isn’t answering her phone.

Sgt Burns goes to the forge to remind Chris that they were due to go for a run today, and finds the farrier in a bit of a state – he is unable to finish a job that he has done millions of times before and there is much cursing, sounds of metal being hit with a hammer, and cries of anguish. Now, I’m no blacksmith, but I can’t help thinking that metal (especially hot metal), a forge, and hammers are not particularly good bedfellows with a mentally-disturbed frame of mind. SgtB obviously agrees and persuades Chris to put down the hammer and move away from the hot coals and go out on the scheduled run.

Chris is in full-on mode and Harrison suggests that they calm down, as he’s getting knackered. He has sussed that there is something wrong (move this man to the detectives!) and eventually teases the whole Alice story out of his running companion, after swearing that it will go no further. Chris says he cannot sleep; he cannot believe that Alice could have lied to him for so long, nor that he was so blind that he couldn’t see what was happening, and that he loves Alice and hates her (for lying and endangering their baby) at the same time. 

Harrison repeats his pledge of confidentiality and tells Chris that nobody should have to go through this sort of thing alone; not Alice and not Chris, but at least by checking into detox, Alice has taken the first, major step. “Let’s get you home” says Ambridge’s favourite copper.

Two stories to finish on; firstly we have Eddie and David’s masterly plan to catch the Brookfield nighthawkers. They are going to arrange a meet at Brookfield and herd those who attend into a dead-end field. When it is sure that escape is impossible, David will telephone the police. “Will we need any more help?” David asks. “With the two of us, it should be a breeze” Eddie answers, full of confidence.

Oh, if only! You will have read/seen Starsky and Hutch, Batman and Robin and Holmes and Watson, but you are unlikely ever to read about Archer and Grundy. When Ambridge’s finest return to the scene of their trap, they find no incarcerated criminals, but rather, Eddie’s van with four slashed tyres. It appears that one of the rogue detectorists’ group spotted Eddie talking to David and cancelled the proposed Brookfield expedition. The violence of their response has knocked the stuffing out of Eddie, who has lost his enthusiasm for detectoring, even after David repeated his offer of exclusive rights on Brookfield land. Will tried to encourage his dad to continue but Eddie’s spark seems to have fizzled out.

Careers in the media are sometimes transient, and this week we saw the end of another; Susan Carter was told by Danny (her producer on Radio Borsetshire) that he has decided to end her daytime show. She had her latest guest – the chef from The Feathers (oh, come on – you must have heard about him; he’s been on TV and everything) cancel the very morning that he was due to be interviewed. Danny charged Susan with finding a replacement and, at such short notice, the best she could come up with was Bert Fry, who heard her stressing in the shop about getting a guest to stand in.

Back at Ambridge View later, Susan tells Neil that she had been let go and her radio career is over, but it was a blessing, as it was becoming very time-consuming. Neil says that he has been really proud of her.

Bert’s topic was ploughing matches, and the interview was not a success. In fact Neil, who listened to it on the radio out of loyalty, tells his wife; “Bert has no idea how boring he can be.” Now, I’m not one to talk about pots and kettles, but if you are described by Neil (‘Tedious’) Carter as ‘boring’ then I confidently submit that you do not have much – indeed none whatsoever - of a future on the after-dinner speaking circuit.