Here We Go Again

Graham Blockey & Carole Boyd (Robert & Lynda Snell)

You knew it was going to happen; we knew it was going to happen and we predicted it on more than one occasion - Lynda was adamant that the Canterbury Tales was her Christmas swansong and she was finished with seasonal productions. Honest injun, positively, definitely, may she be thrashed if not, etc, etc, etc. Seasoned Archers listeners immediately dismissed this as bullshit and our suspicions were reinforced when she told Elizabeth (twice) and husband Robert that she cannot possibly go back on her word. What would the residents of Ambridge think? “My word is my bond” she tells Robert, thus revealing that she appears to be a Name at Lloyds. As to what would the villagers think, the title of this week’s blog says it all.

Let’s move on a day or two. Robert reveals how bleak past Christmases at Ambridge Hall must have been, when he tells Lynda that this year is different from the usual Christmas, as there are no scripts laying around, nor any props on the table. Were I Robert (ignoring the fact that I would have walked out long ago) I would fall to my knees and give thanks, but he tries to persuade his wife to help Elizabeth - who is obviously out of her depth - to take over the production of ’Ghost Stories In The Attic’ (GSiTA).

Lynda says Robert is correct, and she will phone Lizzie right away. We learn later that Lynda has agreed to help with props and so on. But who will direct Robert asks? Lynda’s answer is that he will. Aghast, Robert protests that he has never even directed traffic before, whereupon Lynda says (quite smugly, I thought) that she is “more than willing to lend a guiding hand behind the scenes.” You know what’s going to happen in the future, don’t you? When Lynda passes away, what’s the betting that, whoever takes over the mantle for the Christmas production contacts her via a Ouija Board (an Ouija Board?) for guidance?

On the subject of GSiTA, if he isn’t careful, Jim will be sectioned - he is walking around, talking to himself (he claims he is rehearsing and honing his stories) and even appeared in the shop, wearing a cloak. Meanwhile, Lizzie is going demented, as she has the printers demanding to know the wording that is required for the Programme and promotional leaflets and Jim still cannot make up his mind as to the final line-up of stories. Personally, I cannot help thinking that, should Jim find out that Lynda is offering directorial guidance, we could be in for a mega hissy fit and perhaps even a replacement narrator. If I lived in Ambridge, or its environs, I think I would go on holiday around Christmas time.

Over at Grange Farm, it appears that Christmas Day will be a bit short of bodies, as Joe won’t be there, nor Jake and Mia, nor George and Keira. We also learn that Will and Poppy won’t be present - they attend a bereavement event, along with Andrew (Nic’s first husband) and his children, Jake and Mia. Will apologises for things he said to Mia and wouldn’t blame Andrew for giving him a roasting. Instead, Andrew throws Will to the ground and gives him a good kicking, while yelling insults. 

I’m terribly sorry - I lapsed into a fantasy world there for a while - what Andrew actually did was to ask Will if he and Poppy would like to join the rest of the family for Christmas Day lunch? Will, who found the whole bereavement event both cathartic and helpful, says that he and Poppy would love to join them. I know that family is important at this time of year, but if I were Ed and faced with the prospect of spending most of Christmas Day with just Eddie and Clarrie, I would seriously consider going down to The Bull and getting slaughtered at lunchtime. 

‘Getting slaughtered’ is what Tom has planned for his nephew Johnny on Friday. Since the incident of Josh kissing Bella, Johnny has thrown himself into his work and is practically sleeping with the cows (or ‘my girls’, as he calls them, in a worryingly Jazzer-like way). “Get your glad rags on” Tom says, and we realise that this is a serious drinkfest, when Pat asks her son “are you wearing aftershave?” “I’m taking my nephew out on the Razz” Tom tells her. They are eschewing The Bull (Bella sometimes works there on Fridays) and hitting the high spots of Borchester. Apparently Jazzer has recommended a couple of pubs, “So they’re on the list to be avoided” Tom says.

At Brookfield, Josh is something of a pariah when it becomes known about his kiss with Bella. Freddie turns up, looking for Ben, and runs into Josh. Josh asks what time does Freddie’s and Lily’s birthday party start, to which Freddie replies that Josh isn’t invited, because of his kiss with Bella. Rooooth turns up and catches the last few sentences. What’s going on? Josh tells her to just forget it, but when he tells her what happened, she says that she is disappointed that he could do that to a mate.

Josh thinks that he has done nothing wrong (he tells Rooooth that it wasn’t him who was ‘unfaithful’ - even though it was only a kiss). On Thursday, he told his mother that he needed a holiday - he has been working hard and needs four weeks off, following the reaction to what we might call ‘Bellagate’ so he is going to South East Asia with ex-school friend Jake. Rex will look after the business while he is away and Josh is leaving on Monday.

Personally, I reckon that Josh just can’t bear the thought of having a Brookfield Christmas lunch that hasn’t been cooked by Jill, but travelling to Asia seems like an expensive alternative. Obviously the second-hand farm machinery market is more lucrative than we realised.

Helen appears to be regressing into love-struck teenager mode as she is dithering about whether to get in touch with Lee and, if she does, what can she say to him? Kirsty says that Helen should just text him and ask if he fancies meeting up for a coffee. This sparks another episode of dithering – what if he doesn’t reply? Kirsty says that, in that case, Helen won’t have lost anything and, when Helen is still unable to decide, Kirsty takes her phone and sends Lee the message.

We then have more anxiety from Helen, then her phone rings. Is it Lee? No; it’s Pat, telling Helen that she is preparing a stew for supper. Then the phone rings again – this time it is Lee and he’d love to meet for coffee on Friday. Helen tells Kirsty that she feels like she has been given a second chance. “Then take it” Kirsty urges. “I will – and this time I won’t mess it up” Helen says, and, to show her determination, she books a hair appointment.

The meeting is amicable enough and Helen is on the point of explaining why, on their last meeting, she broke down and fled Lee’s flat, sobbing and screaming. “You didn’t do anything wrong before – it was all me” she tells him. However, before she reveals exactly why she behaved as she did, Lee has some news of his own; he is still working at the hospital and is seeing a girl – Leanne – who also works there. In fact, he ought to be going, as he’s meeting Leanne in the pub round the corner. He and Helen say polite goodbyes to each other and Lee leaves. Helen rings Kirsty, who asks how did it go? “Not good,” Helen replies, adding “He’s not interested, Kirsty. Meeting him was a mistake – Lee and I had our chance and I blew it. It was my own fault – I messed it up, just like I mess everything up.” And the week ends with the sound of Helen sobbing.

The Rewilding Ambridge project is still moving slowly along. Phoebe is all for accepting Justin’s offer, but Pip isn’t so sure – she doesn’t trust Justin and she’s sure that David and Rooooth would be horrified to think that PPR would take Justin’s money – especially after he misled them over the sale of the abattoir. Pip wants more time to think about it, but Phoebe reminds her that time is of the essence if they are to meet Peggy’s deadline and free up some Trust cash. Rex, meanwhile, is sitting firmly on the fence.

Phoebe receives a surprise visit from grandfather Brian, who tells her that he has had a preview of the offer from Justin and he is horrified – on no account should she sign up to it. Justin, Brian explains, is having difficulty in getting planning permission for a BL development and, should he get involved in rewilding Ambridge, his green credentials will be enhanced and the objections could well be forgotten. “It’s a greenwash” Brian tells Phoebe.

To his surprise, Phoebe doesn’t seem to care, as rewilding is the most important thing (no doubt getting her hands on £500k also has a lot to do with it). Brian begs her to at least run the agreement past a lawyer – Justin has added some clauses which are extremely detrimental to PPR. Brian also points out that the fact that he is telling Phoebe all this is highly irregular and he is putting his membership of the BL board on the line.

While all this is going on, Pip talks to Toby about her concerns about Justin – she just cannot trust him after the abattoir incident. Toby makes the point that Pip is taking her parents’ worries on board and that she should follow her heart and not worry about what David and Rooooth think. 

Pip takes Toby’s advice and tells her two partners that she has been fixated on Justin, but she realizes that the rest of the BL board are decent people. She’s made her decision and thinks, while she doesn’t trust Justin, she does trust Rex and Phoebe. This is the opportunity of a lifetime and they should go ahead with the deal. Phoebe says that she will set up a meeting with Justin to sign the contract. “Rewilding is finally coming to Ambridge” she tells them, triumphantly, although, if Brian is right, it could well all end in tears.