Welcome Back!

Timothy Bentinck (David Archer)

After being off the airwaves for a few weeks - well, with new stories, anyway - last week saw the welcome return of the Archers. The format differed from what we have been used to, with episodes consisting of one or two cast members recording what were, in effect, monologues, which were then spliced together.

The reason for this (in case any historians are reading this blog decades from now and wondering what all the fuss is about) was the global corona virus pandemic. The UK has just undergone 10 weeks of lockdown, with schools, shops and sporting events shut or cancelled, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to suspend belief that things were carrying on as normal in Ambridge. By the end of May, the global death toll from the virus topped 367,000, while fatalities in the UK exceeded 38,000.

Across the nation, workers were suspended (or ‘furloughed’), people were encouraged to work from home and government guidance discouraged and restricted travel and fraternisation - at least in theory. Against this background, the everyday story of country folk was becoming more and more unrealistic. The cast was suffering too, and the stories that made up last week’s offerings were recorded by actors in isolation at home and, more often than not, beneath duvets to exclude outside noises. The week began with David Archer soliloquising on top of Lakey Hill…

David has had a run-in with son Josh (“I don’t know where he gets his temper from” David muses). There is the sound of a car in the distance and David tells us that it is Kirsty on her way somewhere. Poor Kirsty and Philip - their so-called ‘engagement party’ (really a secret wedding) was one of the first events in Ambridge to fall foul of the lockdown.

It turns out that the Home Farm forage harvester broke down when Josh was in it, on the way to collect the silage at Brookfield and David blamed Josh. Cut to Josh, who is aggrieved at being told that it was his fault and he blames Home Farm for not having a complete set of spare parts. “Of course, it’s easier to blame me - as usual” says an embittered Josh. He is convinced that David has more empathy with his siblings than with Josh - even their names are traditional Archer nomenclature (Pip is short for Philippa, named for granddad Phil, while Ben is named after Dan Archer’s younger brother, John Benjamin, usually known as Ben, and who died in August 1972). Josh, on the other hand, was christened Joshua Matthew - where did those names come from, he wonders? 

Josh’s mood improves, and we learn that this is because Adam says that he is not to blame for the forage harvester debacle. In fact, Adam has offered Josh more work on Home Farm and Brian has suggested that he tries to qualify for a spraying licence. Should Josh phone David to gloat (he cannot wait to see his dad’s face). No, best to wait - after all, Josh might need a loan. Speaking of Brian, Josh reveals that Brian and Adam have been at odds over the spring barley - it seems that Brian drilled too early and the rooks got the seed. Adam was not pleased.

However, there is another potential disaster looming at Brookfield, when we learn that Rooooth has volunteered to make lasagne for supper and David is bitterly regretting not stopping her - perhaps he should have offered to cook instead? David describes lasagne as “one of Rooooth’s signature dishes” although it appears that it is less of a signature and more of a scrawl. Nevertheless he is optimistic, saying that “one day she will find the sweet spot between burnt to a crisp and slimy as snails.”

That was Monday, and on Tuesday the protagonists are Tracy and Sgt. Burns. Tracy is bored out of her skull, as Grey Gables is closed for lockdown and she embarks on her scheme to become the Ambridge cricket team Captain and to wrest power from Harrison Burns. Bert Horrobin (Tracy’s dad) is at a loss to understand what Tracy is moaning about - after all, she is getting paid not to go to work, so what could be better than that?

Sgt.B realises that he has a fight on his hands and there will have to be a vote among members - he thinks that Tracy has no idea of what is involved in being Captain. Tracy launches her manifesto and says that, if you’re not playing to win, then there’s no point playing at all. She also slags off the other teams in the league and adds - a trifle unnecessarily, one might think - “I am a bit competitive.” Ha! That’s like Mohamed Ali saying ‘I’m a bit useful, sometimes.’

Despite himself, Sgt B is impressed, until he realises that Tracy’s manifesto is in fact a mish-mash of clichés, cut and pasted from speeches by , among others, Martin Luther king Jnr and Winston Churchill. Be this as it may, the comments from others in the team are generally favourable, which speaks volumes for the intelligence level of Ambridge cricketers. However, Tracy has left her master stroke till the end - she promises that she will not only replace the somewhat manky equipment and kit, but she will also come up with a sponsor for the team. It turns out that the new sponsor is Casey Meats and Sgt B decides that he needs to make a few phone calls if he is to maintain his current position as team Captain.

One person avidly reading both manifestos is Josh, who has yet to decide for whom to vote. He is also facing something of a personal crisis - Adam is offering him more work and Brian keeps pushing the spraying qualification route. Both would bring in extra money, but is that enough? He asks himself “do I want to be ‘Josh Archer, Agricultural Contractor’, or ‘Josh Archer, Rural Entrepreneur’? I know which one I like the sound of.”

While this is going on, the Cricket Captaincy votes are counted and Tracy is the winner, by a single vote. Reflecting on this, Sgt Burns says “a majority is a majority” and adds that Tracy doesn’t really know what she’s let herself in for. Always the sportsman, he raises a glass to the (absent) Tracy and says “Best of luck lass, because you’re going to need it.” It’s not all bad news for our favourite copper, though, as earlier he was attending what looked like a wild goose chase when he came across some lads acting suspiciously on a trading estate; he challenged them and they immediately confessed to every crime in Ambridge over the past decade, including the stolen trailer that Josh was suspected of fencing.

Buoyed by having his name cleared, Josh decides that the time is right to start a new business, so he tells Adam and Brian ‘no thanks’ for the extra agricultural work at Home Farm, because he doesn’t want to be a hired hand for the rest of his life. He even tells David of his new plans to expand the egg business by getting a new shed, two or three times the size of his current enterprise. To Josh’s surprise, David thinks it’s a good idea.

Mind you, everything seems to be going right for Josh at the moment; David told Adam that, if anyone can get new parts quickly for the still-stricken forage harvester, it will be Josh, as he has the gift of the gab “in spades.” Josh gets on to one of his contacts (‘Miserable Mick’ - don’t you just wish you had him on speed dial?) and he does indeed manage to source parts, at a reasonable price and thus save the silage harvest.

David also says that if anyone can make a go of upsizing the egg business, it will be Josh. If I may pause here, when Josh was talking about his new enterprise, I heard him say that he wished that he had moorhens. ’That’s a pretty niche market’ I thought, and wondered how many moorhen’s eggs you’d need for a decent-sized omelette? I then realised that, for ‘moorhens’ we should read ‘more hens’. Well, anybody can make a mistake. David did add the caveat “just as long as he does his books properly this time.” He admits that Josh has given him some hard times, adding; “but it doesn’t stop you praying that your children’s dreams will come true - I might even remember to tell him that sometime.”

Incidentally, Josh asks Rooooth where did they get the idea for his Christian names? His mother says that, when he was a baby, Josh looked very much like David at the same age - so much so, that David referred to him as ‘Junior Me.’ As time went on, this was shortened to ‘J.M.’ and they had to find names to fit these initials, eventually coming up with ‘Joshua Matthew,’ Sounds fishy to me - and begs the question, how old was Josh before he was christened?

Josh and David spent some time on the forage harvester and David reveals his latest ambition, which is to get his old guitar out of the attic and perhaps play a few gigs at the pub and wedding receptions in the Barn. Josh is appalled and reckons that his father is having a mid-life crisis (“It’s the leather jacket all over again.” he thinks, but, wisely says nothing). For his part, David is just pleased that Josh didn’t burst out laughing and mistakes this for a sign of approval, saying that maybe he will try out some tunes later that evening. If anything will end lockdown in Ambridge, I reckon that ‘Disco Dave’ (as either Josh or Rooooth nicknamed him) prancing around with a guitar will do it.

Of course, David may not survive to see the end of lockdown, as he is musing about the family’s reaction to Rooooth’s latest culinary efforts and is wondering if his verdict - “not quite as bad as your last lasagne” was really the most tactful thing that he could have said.

Well, that’s the end of the first week of Ambridge in Lockdown (which is only broadcast on four evenings a week, incidentally). We hope you have enjoyed it and Neil and I are delighted to welcome back old friends and, hopefully, lots of new readers to the blog.

At Last, Some Good News

Barry Farrimond and Emerald O'Hanrahan (Ed and Emma Grundy)

While we are aware that Ambridge - and indeed, Borsetshire in general, has not suffered from the coronavirus pandemic, it is nice when there is good news about the village inhabitants to report. Last week, we had a positive story concerning Ed and Emma, which made a change from the recent ‘will they, won’t they get together?’ frustrating stories from recent weeks.

Ed wasn’t very happy, as dad Eddie had given him a load of errands to run and minor tasks to carry out. Ed rang his dad to check on how much money Ed should withdraw from the bank and Eddie asked how was he getting on? When Ed said that he’s nearly finished, Eddie remembered that he is running short of sharp sand, and could Ed just pop into the builder’s merchant’s and grab a couple of bags? Oh, and by the way, Chris would like to meet up and catch up, and there’s no need for Ed to rush back home.

Meanwhile, Tracy and Susan are having a discussion about Emma. While we poor listeners are being kept in the dark, obviously something is afoot, as Susan is worried and calls her daughter “brave.” Tracy says that Emma is getting her life back on track, but Susan is afraid that it (whatever ’it’ is) will all go tits up and Susan will be left to pick up the pieces, as usual. Tracy tells her sister that she hopes Susan isn’t doing her usual and putting the kiss of death on it, and an indignant Susan says that she’s just trying to protect Emma. “Have some faith and let her stand on her own two feet for once” Tracy replies, adding that Susan has got to let her daughter be independent.

Ed returns to Grange Farm and, after a while, he notices a mobile home in the yard. “What’s that?” he asks, incredulously. Er, it’s a mobile home Ed. Ed immediately jumps to the conclusion that it must be travellers and says he’ll get rid of them. He bangs angrily on the door, yelling “open up!” or he’ll get the police on them. The door opens and it’s Emma. She invites Ed in and shows him round, making a point of telling him that the kids are spending the night at Susan’s.

Edward admits that seeing the home was the shock of his life - where did it come from? Emma replies that a mate of Jolene’s gave her a good price, plus he offered to transport and install it inside a day, which he did. She goes on to say that she now knows what she wants from life. Never the quickest on the uptake, Ed asks if she means she still wants a divorce, and Emma (no doubt wanting to bang some sense into him) asks if she wanted that, would she really be living in a mobile home at Grange Farm?

Eventually the penny drops for Ed, especially when Emma says that her obsession with a house on Beechwood was all-consuming and all they really needed was a home. The mobile is perfect for them all, including Ed, and she wants them all to be back together “for keeps this time”. What does he think?

There is much talk about how they were a really good team and Emma says that she never stopped loving him. “We were a strong family and we can be again” she tells Ed. They both embrace and start crying, saying how much they love each other and how much they missed each other.

Proof of this is that they wake up together the next morning and Ed, not one to pass up an opportunity, asks how long will it be before the kids come home? Long enough Ed, and even long enough to take in a walk. They decide to open up a moving-in present from Eddie and Clarrie - it is a hand-carved name plate, with the name ‘Little Grange’ on it (I hope to God that Eddie spelt it right). They love it and it all gets emotional again, with the two of them agreeing that all they want is to grow old together. The romantic mood is offset somewhat by Ed wondering if a mobile home needs planning permission. Emma’s answer is that Eddie told her that Grundys always cut corners here and there, which I submit is not what you would expect from a Parish Councillor. Never mind; it’s good to have a happy ending to the week.

Of course, other things happened last week. Monday was Philip’s Stag Night at the Feathers. Phil, Gavin, Roy and, allegedly (we never heard him speak) Alistair were getting stuck into beers and whisky. There was a moment of concern when it looked like Tracy was going to gatecrash the party, but Philip had the brilliant idea of telling her that she could get the next round in, whereupon she suddenly decided that Roman needed to spend some quality time with her and fled.

Philip and Alistair made their excuses and left halfway through the evening, but Gavin persuaded Roy (whom he had been plying with Scotch) to join him at a club. Later on, the pair left the club and Gavin suggested going down a side road, as there was more chance of hailing a cab. A far-from-sober Roy complained about the lack of street lights, to which Gavin replied “you’re not scared of the dark, are you?” He then added “never mind - I’ll sort you out” and we were left, wondering whether Roy’s mangled corpse would be found at the bottom of some roadworks, or whether Gavin had some other, dastardly plan up his sleeve.

Roy made it home and all was well, apart from the fact that he’s lost his recently-acquired mobile phone. Oddly enough, on Monday, Gavin turns up for nets, having been invited to try out by Tracy. He turns out to be a more-than-useful batsman and, when getting changed, Gavin asks which is Roy’s bag, as Gavin has an energy drink for him, which he sorely needs after the Stag Night. Tracy is impressed by Gavin and goes to see SgtB about putting him in the team. Harrison, however, says that, as Gavin isn’t a permanent resident in Ambridge, he’s ineligible to play for the team. What is Harrison up to? First he turns down Roman, and now Gavin - has the bobby got money on Darrington winning the league? Tracy is at a loss to understand it, and she’s not alone.

On Tuesday, Roy announces that he’s found his phone - it was in his cricket kit bag and he cannot understand how it got there. Try dusting it for Gavin’s fingerprints, Roy, is my advice. There’s more to come, as an extremely angry Kirsty confronts Roy - the DJ who has been signed up for the wedding reception apparently received a text message, from Roy’s phone, cancelling the booking. The message was timed at 3am on the morning of the Stag Night. Roy cannot explain it - he has no recollection of making any such call.

Kirsty is spitting feathers; she is convinced it was a drunken Stag Night prank, but the DJ has taken another booking, plus he will not refund Kirsty and Phil’s deposit. Roy is getting worried - could it be a result of concussion? So worried is he that he goes to see a specialist, who has put him forward for a scan. He apologises once more to Kirsty and asks if he should step aside as Best Man? Kirsty is mollified by the fact that Freddie has offered to come out of retirement and offer his services as DJ at the Reception, and she tells Roy that he is her best friend and he is not allowed to resign; she needs him at her side. Reluctantly, Roy agrees, but he is very worried about what he perceives as lapses of memory, but what we know are the devious machinations of Gavin. Let’s hope he gets his comeuppance very soon.

Elsewhere, Leonie rings dad Robert Snell - Flat Leaf Parsley has told her some ridiculous rumour that Robert and Lynda are planning to re-open the B&B and Leonie told her sister that she must be mistaken. Not so, says Robert, to which Leonie says that Robert cannot possibly run the B&B and look after Lynda and the only answer is for Leonie to come up and give them a hand. Later on, Leonie tries to dissuade Lynda, but the latter says that she knows the guests and they have been booked on Lynda’s terms and she is ready to face them. Reporting back to Robert later, Lynda mentions that Leonie plans to bring Muppet with her. “Out of the question” Says Robert, firmly.

Lynda goes to work on Robert, telling him that Muppet is worried that Lynda is going to die, and besides, it would be so lovely to see their grandchild, wouldn’t it? Once again, Robert is steamrollered and he goes off to get Muppet’s room ready.

Finally, Pip talks to Lilian about the proposed barn renovation project; Pip thinks it’s a good idea, as long as they can have tenants with sustainable and environmentally-friendly businesses, but Justin isn’t so keen and, frankly, they need his backing. How would Lilian handle it? She replies that the best tactic is to let Justin think he’s won - why don’t Pip, Phoebe and Rex let Justin do what he’s best at (organise the purchase and the restoration etc) then Pip can step in and do what she does best; i.e. hijack the marketing. “After all,” Lilian points out, “if the offices are all snapped up by sustainable businesses, then Justin cannot complain, can he?” All I can say is that, if Justin falls for such a strategy, then he’s not the hard-nosed and clued-up businessman that I had him down as.

An Uncertain Future

Last week we learned that, because of the corona virus, The Archers will be taking a break until May 25^th and instead of the usual episodes, we will be treated (if that is the word) to selected episodes from the archives, such as Ed and Emma’s wedding and Adam and Ian’s Civil Partnership.

Obviously, we don’t want to report on these, but what else can we offer our loyal readers as a replacement? One solution is for readers to write and tell us how they think stories will pan out in the near future. Another is an idea unashamedly nicked from the Saturday Radio Five Live programme ‘Fighting Talk’, hosted by Colin Murray. As part of this there is a round called ‘Defend the Indefensible’, where participants are given a sentence and they have 30 seconds to defend what it says, not matter how outrageous. We could have 500 words instead of 30 seconds and we could ask you to defend such comments as ‘Rob Titchener was a much-misunderstood and warm character’ or ‘I would trust Susan Carter with my deepest feelings and secrets - she is the soul of discretion.’ or you could make up your own.

Equally, if you have any ideas of your own for games (Name three inhabitants of Ambridge who you wouldn’t - or alternatively would - like to be in lockdown with) feel free to let us know.

Alternatively, you can have a rest from the Archers, or browse our blog archive, but we will return at the end of May. Keep the faith and we will see you soon. Neil & Peter

Don’t Make Him Angry - You Wouldn’t Like Him When He’s Angry

Graham Blockey (Robert Snell)

This week’s prize for the worst impression of a super hero goes to Robert Snell (see later). Lynda has been asking her husband if she can get some answers to questions that have been nagging her about the Grey Gables incident; trifling questions like ‘what happened?’ Lynda says she needs to understand, but Robert manages to get on her wrong side, when he suggests that perhaps it’s a wee bit early for such an ordeal.

To be truthful, it’s not that hard to get on the wrong side of Lynda at the moment; Robert says perhaps they could take a brief trip outside, but he is slapped down by his wife who reminds him what  a disaster her appearance was at the Easter Fete. He tells her that everyone was pleased to see her, but she says that they weren’t pleased - they were curious, and it was humiliating. It seems that nobody in the Snell household is immune from Lynda’s wrath, as she barks out an order “to stop that blessed dog (Monty) scratching at the door!” Timidly (how else?) Robert says that Monty wants to see Lynda. “But I don’t want to see him. Or anybody - including you!” Lynda replies.

That’s unfortunate, as Lilian turns up. Robert relays the ‘no visitors’ diktat, but Lilian totally ignores this, saying that Robert and Lynda need some space from each other’s company. Personally, I reckon that the Pacific Ocean might just about be far enough. Whatever, Lilian breezes into the bedroom and Lynda just has time to say that she doesn’t want to see her when Lilian says “nonsense” and tells Lynda that both Robert and Monty need some exercise, so she will stay with Lynda while they get it. This is Robert’s chance to book a single ticket to Inverness, or somewhere similar, but he just decides to get out of the house while he can.

When he returns, the two women are laughing and joking (mostly about the Easter Fete and Lilian’s accidental win of the silliest bonnet competition. So mellow has Lynda become, that she says she might even grant Monty an audience later. As Robert sees Lilian out, he professes undying thanks for cheering Lynda up. I’d see if you can get Lilian to move in permanently if I were you, Robert.

We switch now to Roy Tucker, who seems congenitally unable to leave the subject of Blake and the Grey Gables explosion alone. He tells Phoebe that Blake’s attitude was weird (getting the full force of an exploding oven can do that to a person) and the only way that they are going to get to the bottom of what happened is for him to ask Blake some direct questions. So, donning deerstalker and with magnifying glass in hand, Sherlock Tucker heads for the hospital.

When Roy arrives on the ward, he is surprised to see an unfamiliar face in Blake’s bed, so he asks the patient in the next bed where has he gone? The patient, whose name is Geoff, has no idea, as Blake seldom said anything. It turns out that Geoff spent 30 (or it may be 40 - I was past caring) years on the railway and likes nothing better than to chat…and chat. In vain does Roy try to get information about Blake, but Geoff knows nothing - he cannot even remember Blake’s name for longer than 30 seconds. Perhaps if Roy had said Blake’s name was Thomas, or Mallard, or something similar related to railways, he might have got further. 

As it is, after half an hour, Roy (with more than a hint of desperation) says that he has to get back to work and it is now that Geoff contributes his only useful bit of news. Blake discharged himself, but he was picked up by his uncle (“thick-set bloke. Welsh”). Roy says that he thinks he knows who that might be.

The following evening, Philip has invited Roy and Helen over to talk about the wedding. He is making a mega curry and the news of their forthcoming visitors (in about a couple of hours) comes as a bit of a shock to Kirsty. Roy is distant throughout the meal and doesn’t even react when Philip says that he has changed his mind and he does want a Stag night after all. And Kirsty and Helen can have a Hen night, even though they are the only two females at the wedding.

Roy asks if any of Philip’s family will be there - like maybe a nephew? Philip replies that he hasn’t got a nephew and you can hear the Tucker grey matter start grinding. He relates what Geoff said and Philip manages to pass it off (something he’s very good at) by saying that, when Blake was much younger, his and Philip’s families were very close, to the extent that Blake called him ‘uncle’. As a piece of quick thinking on your feet, this is pretty damn good, I reckon. Philip says that Blake was determined to discharge himself, so Philip thought it a kindness to drive him home - to Norfolk, while he got his head together. 

Roy eventually accepts this story and apologises for being a miserable git and spoiling the evening (he’s obviously great Best Man material) and he says he ought to leave. Kirsty is somewhat short with him and cannot believe Phil’s compassion for Roy. Let’s just hope that Blake doesn’t decide to go walkabout (although it’s a Pound to a penny that all three workers are locked in), or Phil will have to do some more quick thinking. Before Roy leaves, the Stag night is hastily arranged for next Monday.

But back to Robert. Things between him and his Lindy aren’t going that smoothly - she wants to know the facts of what happened at Grey Gables and he, undoubtedly from the best of motives, wants to protect her and he thinks it’s too early to be thinking about things like that.

He really should know better as, in the early evening, there is a ring at Ambridge Hall’s door bell and Robert opens the door to see Philip and Kirsty on the doorstep. Robert is gobsmacked and speechless, but he recovers enough to say that they’ve got a nerve, coming round after all that has happened. Lynda’s strident voice asks Robert who is it? and, when she hears his answer she tells him to let them in, as they are there at her invitation - she has some questions to ask Philip. Oh yes, perhaps Robert could entertain Kirsty and shut the door behind him.

Robert tells Kirsty how jumpy Lynda is and how he has had to hide all the mirrors in the house. He apologises for the way he welcomed them, but he holds Philip Moss totally responsible for the incident. After Lynda and Philip’s conversation, she thanks him for being so honest and direct in answering all her questions. “You’ve helped me understand” she tells him. 

Lynda might be understanding, but not so Robert, who tells his wife “I do not want that man in my house!” Lynda’s reply is that Philip came because she invited him, because she wanted some facts “and I never get any from you.” She also accuses Robert of fussing round her all the time and never doing what she wants. This is too much for Robert and he loses it big time - he takes great exception to Phil calling him Robert and lunges at Philip, shouting insults. Unfortunately, the effect is spoiled when he misses Philip completely, falls over and knocks over a chair. Screaming wildly, Robert tells them to get out. “Leave me alone! Leave me alone, all of you” he yells. It reminded me a bit of the Incredible Hulk when he gets angry, except that, as far as we know, Robert’s muscles did not increase in size threefold, neither did his clothes start splitting. Mind you, the yelling was quite good.

If you expected Lynda to be overcome by this manly show of aggression and protectiveness, then you don’t know Mrs Snell. Far from gazing adoringly into Robert’s eyes, she tells him that he has made things much worse because she invited Philip to their home. However, if he really wants to do something to please her…”Yes?” Robert asks, eagerly. “Apologise to Philip Moss” Lynda says sternly, adding that Robert upset her, and she cannot rest until it has been put right. At first, Robert refuses, but eventually says that he will think about it. “But I’m not promising anything” he warns.

Robert goes for a walk, and runs into Jim. Robert pours out his heart to his friend and says that he cannot do anything right. “Every day is a minefield” he says, woefully. What can he do? Jim has a simple solution - do what Lynda wants and say ‘sorry’ to Philip for his behaviour. Jim’s rationale goes thus: “You’ll both know that you don’t really mean it, but it’s nothing, is it? Not if it means so much to Lynda.”

So it was that, when Robert returned home. Lynda asked if he had seen Philip? “Yes,” her husband replies, “I offered my apology and he accepted it.” Lynda is pleased - she knows it must have been difficult. “Yes, it was” Robert says, tersely. Lynda then says that she has had a long telephone conversation with Mrs Ellis, a regular B&B guest, who wants to book three rooms for her 45^th wedding anniversary (Sapphire for your information - I just looked it up). Robert insists that it’s too soon for that, but Lynda says that she will have to face people sometime and Mrs Ellis said that “it was purely my decision.“ “Our decision” Robert butts in, optimistically. Tell me, dear reader, whose will do you reckon will prevail in this? Quite right - give those trousers back to your wife, Robert; Lynda’s on the mend.

We cannot let this week go without mentioning Tracy’s cricket practice night. The good thing is that nobody died, but it was touch and go. Tracy oversaw everything from a canvas chair, megaphone in hand, through which she bellowed instructions and, more frequently, insults at her hapless fellow team members. She had drafted Lee in to lead the exercises, but she had told him to drive them hard, like a US Army Drill Instructor - a role that he embraced all too well. The rest of the squad were somewhat bemused, as well as shattered, as Lee switched from snarling taskmaster to a ‘well done; I hope you win’ as soon as training was over.

Tracy, however, was not happy - Harrison refused to appoint her as team coach (why not - they could have taken out her teeth and put in seats - the old jokes are the best) and Tracy poured her heart out to Roman. It turned out that Roman is quite a useful cricketer (best figures 7 - 34) but Harrison won’t sign him for Ambridge as he says there’s a rule that you have to be a village resident. Tracy moans at this, but Roman says the Skip’s word is law. “Unless there’s a coup d’etat” he adds. “A what?” asks Tracy. “A campaign for regime change” Roman replies, then probably wishes he hadn’t, as he now has to explain the meanings of ‘campaign’, ‘regime’ and (more than likely) ‘change’.

I Think The Cricket Club Is In For A Bit Of A Shock

Susie Riddell (Tracy Horrobin)

If I were Harrison Burns (aka in this blog as SgtB) I would have been careful what I had wished for. He calls team members in for the first pre-season training session and it is perhaps indicative of the state of the team when he finds that the Ambridge cricket equipment is showing signs of mould. And not just the equipment, as Tracy is upset when she learns that SgtB has issued an open invitation to all and sundry to ‘come along and have a go.’

This is anathema to Tracy, whose personal attitude to sport might be described not so much as ‘it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; it’s how you play the game’ and more like ‘grab them by the goolies, throw them to the ground, kick them in the fork and put your foot on their throats’. If they resist, clobber them with a cricket bat - you perceive my drift here? This woman is competitiveness personified. 

She describes the first training session as “a load of geriatrics” and tells SgtB that everyone over the age of 50 should be given the boot from the team. I suppose we should think ourselves lucky that she didn’t advocate compulsory euthanasia. As it happens, SgtB asks her after training whether she thinks that her constant sledging during the session was helpful for team morale? How about showing some support instead? It’s not all about winning, he reminds her, as he drives off. “That’s what my primary school teacher used to say” Tracy shouts after him, adding “and he was a pillock who never won anything.”

Harrison is getting increasingly fed up and, in an ill-considered attempt to put Tracy on the spot, he suggests that, instead of moaning, Tracy can run next week’s training session “unless you think you can’t handle it?” he adds, sarcastically. Oops! An error of judgement there, Harrison, as, far from crying off, Tracy is delighted and accepts readily. “You won’t regret this” she tells him, as she moves off. “I’m regretting it already.” Harrison mutters, under his breath.

And I predict that he won’t be the only one, as, when talking about her newly-gained responsibility to Emma, Tracy describes the current state of cricket in Ambridge as “flabby.” “When I take training, they won’t know what’s hit them” Tracy promises. Sounds to me that it might be prudent to have a couple of paramedics standing by, and maybe an ambulance. At the very least there should be a defibrillator ready on hand as a precaution - you can’t be too careful; especially if you are not in the first flush of youth.

Over at Ambridge Hall, preparations are under way to welcome home the invalid from hospital. Freddie has been recruited (willingly, I might add) to help move Lynda’s bed downstairs. This is fine, until Lilian points out that anyone visiting will have a grandstand view of Lynda in bed. Never mind - Lil has a Japanese screen at home which can be used to preserve Lynda’s modesty and which can be moved to allow Lynda to see out into the garden. So far, so good, but every silver lining has its cloud, and in this case, the cloud is Leonie, who makes a surprise visit. The only redeeming feature is that she has left James and son Muppet at home.

Lynda leaves hospital on crutches and is not in the best of tempers. Leonie welcomes her back, but Lynda is only interested in the whereabouts of Monty the dog. He’s away having his nails clipped, or a shampoo and set, or similar, and his absence does nothing to improve Lynda’s mood. She is shown the downstairs bed and immediately says that she doesn’t want it there. Fine, says Robert, we’ll get it moved upstairs. Lynda is in mega-irritable mood and keeps criticising and moaning, until Leonie cannot stand it any longer and starts to speak her mind, calling Lynda ungrateful. Robert drags her out of the room and tells her angrily that the situation is not about him, or Leonie - it’s all about Lynda; does Leonie understand?

Later on, Robert takes Lynda some clean towels and she begs him not to look at her, to which he replies that he bathed her in hospital and he still loves her. “You’re my Lindy” he says, simply. Lynda admits that she has been irritable and apologises for her behaviour, saying that she is very grateful for everything that people have done for her. She begins to cry and the tears turn to tears of joy when Robert brings Monty into her room.

And now we turn to what we might call ‘Bunnygate’, in which a lady of the cloth (well, almost) is not shown in a very good light. Kirsty has rearranged her social life (which sounds impressive, but in reality means that she put Helen off having a night out) in order to help Shula decorate papier-maché eggs for the Easter Fete, which would appear to be getting later and later. I have to admit that wine is involved in what follows - Kirsty reaches out to pour a glass and she inadvertently knocks Bernard (the enormous chocolate bunny that Lilian bought and donated as the first prize in the egg hunt) on to the floor, where he smashes beyond repair. Beyond repair, yes, but not beyond consumption, as trainee cleric Shula decides that there’s no use crying over shattered chocolate and the only solution is to eat Bernard, and it must be said that the two girls do not seem too sad or too guilty about it. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it and Shula and Kirsty tuck in gleefully.

The more alert of you will realise that this throws up a potential problem, as what will the egg-collecting champion have for a prize? It seems that Shula and Kirsty have managed to slip on a substitute, as Kenton, who is acting as MC for the Fete, is momentarily taken aback when he invites the winner of the egg collection hunt (Billy Button) to step forward and collect his prize. Chris was the one charged with collecting the prize from The Bull and he is puzzled to find what he describes as “a freaky frog” instead of a bunny. Part of the hunt was to collect eggs, all of which are decorated with an initial, and to try and make a word from them. Kenton starts to read out Billy’s effort “A-R-S…” before his voice tails off.

Lynda was persuaded by Robert to put in an appearance at the Fete and all goes well until Kenton spots her and gives her a big welcome over the PA. He asks her to say a few words, but she is embarrassed and tongue-tied, especially when Kenton wants her to speak about the new pub sign, which he also wants her to unveil. It is all too much for Lynda, who is unable to speak, and she begs Robert to take her back to the car: “I don’t want to be here” she says, tearfully.

One interesting thing to emerge from the Fete was that Lilian was awarded the prize in the ‘funniest bonnet’ competition. The judges (all of whom were children) chose her entry and the thing is that she wasn’t actually entering the competition - it was just the hat that she usually wears.

At the beginning of the week, Philip Moss attended an informal interview at the Police Station with Sergeant Burns in order to try and make sense of the explosion incident at Grey Gables. SgtB wonders where Blake got the petrol from, as he doesn’t drive, plus how did he get to Grey Gables to do the job? Philip says that Gavin dropped him off, but Gavin didn’t stop to help and that Blake was on his own. As the interview finishes, Philip expresses puzzlement - Blake was a bit of a wild lad at school, but he has never done anything like this before.

Going back to Shula, next week sees her interview with the Bishop’s Advisory Panel as the next step on her path to ordination. She is worried about the personal interview (presumably in case one of the questions is along the lines of ‘Was it you that scoffed Bernard and left Billy Button with a substandard chocolate frog?’) She confides her unease to Alistair, who has the bright idea of conducting a mock interview beforehand - and he promises that he won’t go easy on her, so get out the thumbscrews and taser, Alistair.

Finally, there is the ongoing situation between Ed and Emma. Ed finally gets Jazzer to agree to help him with the sheep shearing, but Jazzer makes him sweat for a while, the little tinker. Ed has already had a shock, when Emma approached him and asked if she could withdraw some money from their joint account. He says ‘yes’ and asks what does she want it for? Her answer takes him aback, as she says that she has been living with Susan and Neil for long enough and it is time that she found a place for her and the children.

Going back a day, Emma was talking to her aunt Tracy and said that Tracy has the right idea - you shouldn’t put up with things as they are; make changes to your life and change those things that you can change. Emma is going to do exactly that.

Alongside this, Ed is being given a hard time by Jazzer, after Ed reveals that he turned down Emma’s offer of a reconciliation and get-together. Jazzer is aghast and says that Ed could make it work if he really wanted to, but Ed says that he is not prepared to take the risk of it all going wrong again. “Believe in yourself” Jazzer tells his friend and, eventually, Ed agrees to see Emma next week. “Great,” says Jazzer; “You won’t regret it - trust me.”

It was shortly after this that Emma told Ed about her plans to move. “But you’ll be the first to know when I find somewhere” she tells her husband. This would appear to have peed on the bonfire of Ed’s plan to win back Emma, but worse is to come; while Ed is helping Chris to tidy up and move furniture after the Fete, Chris mentions that Emma has asked him to move some of her furniture out of the barn.

Ed is thunderstruck - whatever happened to him being the first to know if she finds somewhere? Speaking personally, I hope we don’t have to wait too long before this is all resolved one way or the other, as I have the feeling that this story could run and run and I could easily get really fed up with it. Pull your finger out Ed, for heaven’s sake.

You’re A Liability, Gavin

Lynda’s Birthday Present to Robert

Gavin has returned to Ambridge - presumably his mother couldn’t stand having him for more than a few days - and, as we saw in last week’s blog, he knocked 40% off the price of the Berrow Farm track-laying job and promised completion a week earlier; and this despite being one man short on the job.

Early in the week, Roy Tucker endeavours to deliver Lynda’s news to Blake that she forgives him for his part in the explosion. I say ‘endeavours’ because the meeting doesn’t go at all well and Blake becomes very agitated; he thinks that Roy is from the police and says that he’s already told everything he knows and to leave him alone. Blake threatens to call a nurse and keeps telling Roy to go. Roy is mystified at Blake’s attitude and eventually leaves.

So far, so harmless, but then Gavin turns up to see Blake, who lets slip that Roy has been to see him. Gavin is immediately worried and he is not very nice to Blake, warning him to continue to keep his mouth shut. Gavin then gets on to Philip and says “Dad, I’m at the hospital - I think we might have a problem.”

Next day, Gavin tells Philip that Kenzie (one of the two remaining workers - the other one is Jordan) keeps asking after Blake and Gavin is getting worried because he thinks that Roy is sniffing around. Philip tells Gavin to talk to Kenzie and make sure that he’s keeping it together. If you want my opinion, Phil, I think that Gavin is the weakest link in this chain and he’ll probably come up with a stupid solution, such as cutting the brake pipes on Roy’s car.

Gavin returns from visiting Kenzie and Jordan and says that he visited the flat where the pair are ensconced and he managed to bribe Kenzie with lager and ciggies. Jordan, it appears, is happy with just watching TV. Gavin is still worried and suggests a video link between Kenzie and Blake, with Gavin and Philip monitoring the conversation to check that nothing untoward or incriminating is said. Philip thinks this is a crackpot and complicated idea and is fraught with danger - what if Blake and Kenzie start discussing how the explosion was caused? 

To allay Gavin’s fears. Philip tells his son that Roy is a mate and not a secret policeman. Furthermore, if Roy found anything wrong, he’d tell Phil - and if not Phil, then he’d certainly tell Kirsty and she would mention it to Philip. The best course of action, Philip advises, is to do nothing and carry on as normal. “Just keep calm until all this blows over” Philip tells Gavin. He might have added ‘and don’t go to pieces, you snowflake’ but he didn’t.

As it happens, Roy runs into Philip at the shop. Roy wants to discuss Phil’s Stag Night, but Philip points out that it’s only the two of them and Alistair who know that he’s getting married, so it would be a very small affair. Besides, with all the aftermath of the explosion, he’s not really in the mood.

Roy asks how is the investigation going, to which Philip says that he’s not looking forward to the police interview - he’s worried that he might put his foot in it and make things worse for Blake. Roy reveals that he went to see Blake, and the latter’s attitude was strange - like he was scared. Phil is surprised at the visit - he didn’t know that Roy knew Blake very well. Roy says he doesn’t; he was just passing on Lynda’s message of forgiveness. Philip reckons that Blake was probably feeling guilty when he saw Roy with his scar, caused by the explosion, which is why he reacted as he did. Blake, Philip tells Roy, has asked him to tell the nurses that he doesn’t want to see visitors, so if there are any more messages for Blake, it’s probably best if they are given to Philip or Gavin. “We’ll make sure he gets them,” Philip adds, kindly.

While we’re on the subject of hospitals, let’s talk about Robert Snell’s latest faux pas. Lee, the karate instructor and physiotherapist, gets a telephone call from Robert. It seems that Lynda is being given a hard time by her present physiotherapist and Robert was wondering whether Lee would be willing to take Lynda on as a private patient? Lee points out that physio for a burns patient is a highly specialised field, but he would be happy to have a general chat with Lynda about the benefits of physio, which he does later that day.

So it is that, when Robert goes to see his wife that evening, he is met with a torrent of abuse. Lynda tells him about Lee’s visit and berates him for interfering in her treatment programme without consulting her. Robert says that Lynda moaned about how hard her physio was making her work, to which she replies that that’s the whole point of physiotherapy and, while she doesn’t actually call Robert a cretin, it was a damn close-run thing. 

As it is, she accuses him of treating her like a baby (again) and, in tears, she adds that, if that’s his idea of support, he may as well not bother to visit her at all. In fact, she orders him out of the ward and, still in tears, she tells him to go home and leave her alone. All in all, Robert me old mate, I think it is fair to say that this was not one of your better ideas and that you can wave bye-bye to any brownie points that you may have had, in the unlikely event that Lynda ever awarded you any in the past.

However, Lynda isn’t one to bear a grudge - well, actually she is, but not in this particular case - as Tuesday is Robert’s birthday. He has already had an unexpected (and, I would venture to suggest, extremely welcome) bonus present when Leonie rang to say that their car is playing up and she and James have had to turn back for home and won’t be able to make it up to Ambridge to help him celebrate. Robert, you are indeed a very lucky, lucky man. 

Robert is unwrapping his present from Lynda - she tells him that Kate bought it, and his birthday card and begs him not to open the card until he gets home, as it is not what she would have bought. Why she tells him this, I don’t know - I mean, it’s not like he thinks that she has slipped out specially to Underwood’s, is it? The present (which Kate bought at the hospital gift shop - glad you didn’t go to too much trouble, Kate) turns out to be a porcelain tiger, which Robert promises Lynda that he absolutely loves.

There is talk of love too in the Grundy household. Ed and Jazzer are making preparations for Keira’s ninth birthday party, when Emma comes over and asks Ed to go for a walk with her. She realises that she came very close to being injured, or worse, in the Grey Gables explosion and she has been re-evaluating her life. Ed admits that he behaved like a pillock in the past and he is now trying to focus on the future.

As they walk, Emma says that she no longer wants a divorce - she still loves Ed and wants them to be a proper family once more. “You are my soul mate” Emma tells him. Cue a touching scene of reconciliation and protestations of undying love, you might think (certainly, that was what I was expecting), but Ed is not so sure; “It’s just not on,” he tells Emma, adding that the reasons that they split up in the first place are still there and it would not work, long term.

It wouldn’t be fair on the kids if they got back together and then split up all over again - he couldn’t bear to put them all through that once more. Tracy keeps asking Emma if there’s any news on the romance front and Emma asks her to stop asking her, as Ed obviously is not interested. Tracy pooh-poohs this and says that the mistake Emma made was trying to change Ed - the only thing we can change is ourselves. If she wants Ed, she’s got to go for it. “Last week you took ‘no’ for an answer” Tracy tells her niece. “But what else could I have done?” Emma asks, but, having planted the seed, Tracy walks away without answering. I suspect that we have not heard the last about Emma and glass-no-so-much-as-being-half empty-as-smashed-to-pieces-and-the-drink-poured-away-Ed.

As we approach Easter weekend, there are things to celebrate. Firstly, Lynda’s consultant has said that Lynda may be well enough to be discharged and go home. Roy immediately interprets this as news that she will definitely be back in Ambridge and is telling everyone. She may even be well enough to be a judge in the Easter bonnet competition. In vain does Lynda point out that she hasn’t been given the go-ahead to leave hospital.

Robert is in a bit of a state - the house is in a mess and he wants everything to be perfect for his Lindy’s homecoming - how is he going to get a bed downstairs by himself? Lilian says that she will recruit some muscle and that Robert will not have to face this on his own. The Muscle, by the way, is Freddie, who is only too pleased to help Lynda out. He is being kept busy as, as well as his kitchen duties, he is being trained as a relief Receptionist while Lynda is away, plus auntie Shula has detailed him to sell raffle tickets for the Easter eggstravaganza. 

What else has been happening? Ed is getting inquiries about sheep shearing and is trying to get Jazzer to commit to help. Jazzer, however, is enjoying the feeling of power he has and keeps procrastinating before he will give a definitive answer.

Some more good news is that Grey Gables is re-opening. The Health Club is up and running, as is the Dining Room (the bedrooms were not affected by the blast). Granted, there is not yet a kitchen, but Hugh is having to make use of a catering truck. On the subject of cooking in adversity, I bet Ian is really glad that he is away on paternity leave at this time.

The re-opening day goes surprisingly well, with a good crowd turning up. Oliver has set aside some bubbly as a ‘thank you’ for the staff and Tracy seeks him out to say a few words of encouragement. She finds him in reflective mood and he says that he wishes he had Tracy’s zest and endless supply of positive energy. He adds wistfully: “Perhaps I can’t go back to who or what I was before - this might be it for me.” Tracy is more certain: “Nah, I don’t believe it.” She tells Oliver to talk to the staff, tell them it’s all going to be OK “and believe it when you say it - fake it till you make it, Oliver.” In her own inimitable way, Tracy is proving to be something of a philosopher, don’t you think?

You Just Can’t Help Some People…

Toby Laurence (Freddie Pargetter)

Lynda is in a bad way in hospital, and it’s not just because Robert is reading to her. She tells him that she is tired when a visitor turns up and to tell them to go away, but when she learns it is Freddie, she gets Robert to ask him to stay. Not only that, but when Robert says he’ll leave them alone, she does not object.

When Lynda and Freddie are alone, he says he wants to apologise for things he said before the explosion and adds that Lynda is someone he respects. During their conversation, Freddie tells her about Robert giving him his father’s Military Medal. Far from this being something hidden in a box in the attic, Lynda says that the medal had taken pride of place at Ambridge Hall since Robert’s father died. A horrified Freddie says that he is definitely giving the medal back, but Lynda says that he has to keep it; it’s heartfelt.

Freddie is uncomfortable and says that anyone would have done what he did, but Lynda replies that a lot of people would have left her behind. An increasingly tearful Lynda says that visitors have all told her that she is lucky to be alive - “Look at me Freddie; what’s lucky about this?” She adds that she is a wreck - she can see it in people’s faces - her head has been shaved. She tells Freddie that he must not repeat this conversation, as it would break Robert’s heart; if he knew how she really feels, and that she has flashbacks… She begins to cry, and says to Freddie “You should had left me there - I wish you had. I mean it Freddie - Robert may be glad you rescued me, but I’d rather have been left to die.” And she breaks down in tears. So there you have it Freddie - it’s your fault for rescuing her from the debris and you should feel guilty.

On Monday, Lynda is moved on to a ward from the Burns Unit. She gets access to a mobile and rings Roy at home. She asks if he has recovered - she is worried about Blake and, when Roy says that he deserves all he gets, in his opinion, Lynda replies that Blake was reckless, but he was seriously injured and he must be in all sorts of torment. She asks Roy if he could visit Blake in hospital and tell him that Lynda has forgiven him. 

A deeply unenthusiastic Roy asks can’t Robert do it? Lynda says that Robert isn’t the right man for the job (and I bet that isn’t the first time that that has been said about him) and it is important for her to know that this will be done. Eventually, Roy agrees, but he warns Lynda that he won’t be able to find time to do it until next week. She thanks him and says that she will be able to rest easier now.

We begin to suspect that Lynda’s health might be improving, when her comments to Robert become increasingly acerbic; he tells her that Shula is trying to organise an Easter Festival to raise village morale after the incident and Lynda replies that she cannot see how a few stalls on the Village Green will do much good. Bearing in mind that there is a meeting in The Bull on Tuesday to discuss ideas and that the following Sunday week is Easter Sunday, the timescale does seem a tad optimistic. But hey! This is Ambridge and we are confident that chestnuts will be pulled out of fires, dreams will realised and, unlikely as it might seem, Shula’s hope that Lynda might attend as guest of honour, might come true. The fact that Lynda thinks that she looks grotesque and makes people turn away from her might put her off attending, even in the unlikely event that she would be let out of hospital.

If I were Robert, I think I’d feign an illness and stay at home (pity Ambridge hasn’t yet been affected by corona virus) as he doesn’t seem able to do anything right. Lynda tells him that she doesn’t want to see any visitors and she has told this to the nurse. Robert had already stopped Ben and Josh from visiting Lynda, by telling a white lie about Lynda being in physiotherapy. No need to tell lies, says Lynda - just put the word around that she’s not seeing anybody. “If and when I feel differently, I’ll let you know” she commands him. 

Robert seems to be having trouble getting on top of this idea, as he cheerfully tells her that Flat Leaf Parsley sends her love and that James and Leonie will be up at the weekend. Lynda says sharply that she hopes they don’t want to see her and Robert says that they are coming because it’s his birthday (it’s not all about you Lynda!)

On Thursday, Robert screws up big time. Kate pops into the hospital to see Lynda, who is obviously suffering from concussion or is drugged up to the eyeballs, as she says how nice it is to see Kate. Kate asks if Lynda would like her to paint her toenails, assuming that the doctor says that it’s OK? “I couldn’t think of anything nicer” says Lynda, which to my mind shows a distinct lack of imagination - what about a nice bottle of malt whisky, for example?

The two ladies are getting on like a house on fire - Kate shares that things with Jakob are “wonderful”, except that, if they go anywhere, his preparations are incredible; two sat navs (in case one goes wrong) a scan on his phone of any tickets needed (in case they lose the actual tickets), high energy snack bars and, I wouldn’t be surprised, a shovel, medical kit and a flask of coffee. All sensible precautions, you might think, but he’s only going to the village shop.

The two women are getting on like the proverbial burning house, when suddenly Robert bursts into the room like an avenging angel or the villain in a pantomime. “You stupid woman!” he rants at Kate, saying doesn’t she realise how sensitive Lynda’s skin is? You can imagine Robert foaming at the mouth as he continues to lay into Kate “How dare you inflict yourself on Lynda?” he screams “You just don’t know the meaning of the word ‘no’ do you?” Kate protests that she checked with the nurse about the nails and that Lynda asked her to stay, but it’s all in vain - the red mist has descended on Robert and he practically throws Kate out.

Well done Robert, for carrying out Lynda’s ‘no visitors’ diktat so forcefully! Or perhaps not, as Lynda backs up Kate’s story and orders Robert to go after her and apologise. He does so and grovels unreservedly. Kate says that it’s OK - he was just being protective. Sadly, when Robert returns to the ward, tail firmly between his legs, his wife is not so forgiving. “What a spectacle” she says, and carries on in full school marm mode; “I hope you’re ashamed of yourself - how dare you treat me like a baby? I’m an adult.” He is being so annoying, she tells him and, having been thoroughly chastised, Robert begs forgiveness. Well, dear reader, I think we can safely say that Lynda seems to be on the road to recovery and is behaving more like her old self. 

There was further disappointment in store for Robert as Freddie went to see him at Ambridge Hall - Freddie cannot accept Robert’s father’s Military Medal and is returning it, as he knows how much it means to Robert. Robert admits he is disappointed, but says that he cannot force Freddie to take the gift. Is there anything else, perhaps…? “No,” Freddie says quickly, “Please, I really don’t deserve anything.”

Freddie is certainly a reluctant hero and Elizabeth’s suggestions that he might like to see someone and talk about his experience are batted away. He keeps telling his mother that he is coping, but she continues to nag him and just won’t let it lie. The sooner you move out of Lower Loxley, the better, Freddie. Mind you, he is in danger of turning into someone unapproachable - Johnny tries to draw him out of himself by going for a drink in the pub and remarks that Lynda must be made up that her campaign to save The Bull’s name was a success.

Freddie is incredulous “Do you think she really cares about that?” he asks. Johnny admits that he doesn’t know what to say to Freddie nowadays, and Freddie leaves on his medal-returning mission. “I knew that this was a mistake” he says, as he exits the pub.

There’s something afoot with Ambridge Rewilding, as Justin takes Phoebe aside and tells her that there is a business opportunity - on some land adjoining AR land, there are two derelict barns. These could be renovated and used as AR offices and a visitor centre, but they need to move quickly. Phoebe says that it seems more property development than rewilding, but Justin manages to get her onside and asks that she convince Pip and Rex. They too feel that this is not what AR was set up to achieve and are concerned when Phoebe says that Justin is willing to come in as a co-investor. If I were one of the three amigos, I’d make sure I had a long spoon.

You have to admit that Justin has a certain knack when it comes to screwing people in business; Gavin goes to see him to ask if they can restart the Berrow Farm track-laying project? Justin mentions their tarnished reputation, but Gavin points to all the jobs they have done in and around the village and adds that not having the work is eating away at Philip. Magnanimously (!), Justin says that OK, they can resume work, but he has a couple of conditions; firstly he wants a 40% rebate on the cost of the job, and secondly, he wants a week shaved off the schedule. Gavin agrees immediately. I cannot help thinking that Philip will hardly be doing handsprings when he learns what his son has agreed to.

Earlier, we told how Robert turned Josh and Ben away from Lynda’s ward. They had turned up at the hospital in Ben’s bright orange car (“The world’s first motorised tangerine” as Roy described it) and are on the point of leaving when they run into Chloe, the girl who Ben spent the night with after his birthday celebrations. Josh, who is in a good mood because the police are not going to prosecute him, insists on being introduced, and it comes to light that she is a doctor in her first Foundation year and, after more probing by Josh, that she is aged 25. Josh quickly informs her that Ben is just 18. Chloe admits that, on the night in question, she was totally rat-arsed and calls Ben ‘sweet’, adding “but maybe you should get back to me when you’ve had a bit more practice.” And with this, she goes.

Josh is falling about laughing and tells Ben that he was punching way above his weight. Ben is furious and warns Josh that he is in danger of having to walk home. I don’t know about you, but if I had copped off with a gorgeous 25-year old when I was 18, I’d have been chuffed to bits, even if she was drunk (some - and yes Neil, I do mean you - might say she‘d have to be pretty far gone anyway), and perhaps Ben should remind Josh that at least Ben’s latest sexual partner had fewer than four legs and didn’t go ‘baa’.