Graham Blockey (Robert Snell)
This week’s prize for the worst impression of a super hero goes to Robert Snell (see later). Lynda has been asking her husband if she can get some answers to questions that have been nagging her about the Grey Gables incident; trifling questions like ‘what happened?’ Lynda says she needs to understand, but Robert manages to get on her wrong side, when he suggests that perhaps it’s a wee bit early for such an ordeal.
To be truthful, it’s not that hard to get on the wrong side of Lynda at the moment; Robert says perhaps they could take a brief trip outside, but he is slapped down by his wife who reminds him what a disaster her appearance was at the Easter Fete. He tells her that everyone was pleased to see her, but she says that they weren’t pleased - they were curious, and it was humiliating. It seems that nobody in the Snell household is immune from Lynda’s wrath, as she barks out an order “to stop that blessed dog (Monty) scratching at the door!” Timidly (how else?) Robert says that Monty wants to see Lynda. “But I don’t want to see him. Or anybody - including you!” Lynda replies.
That’s unfortunate, as Lilian turns up. Robert relays the ‘no visitors’ diktat, but Lilian totally ignores this, saying that Robert and Lynda need some space from each other’s company. Personally, I reckon that the Pacific Ocean might just about be far enough. Whatever, Lilian breezes into the bedroom and Lynda just has time to say that she doesn’t want to see her when Lilian says “nonsense” and tells Lynda that both Robert and Monty need some exercise, so she will stay with Lynda while they get it. This is Robert’s chance to book a single ticket to Inverness, or somewhere similar, but he just decides to get out of the house while he can.
When he returns, the two women are laughing and joking (mostly about the Easter Fete and Lilian’s accidental win of the silliest bonnet competition. So mellow has Lynda become, that she says she might even grant Monty an audience later. As Robert sees Lilian out, he professes undying thanks for cheering Lynda up. I’d see if you can get Lilian to move in permanently if I were you, Robert.
We switch now to Roy Tucker, who seems congenitally unable to leave the subject of Blake and the Grey Gables explosion alone. He tells Phoebe that Blake’s attitude was weird (getting the full force of an exploding oven can do that to a person) and the only way that they are going to get to the bottom of what happened is for him to ask Blake some direct questions. So, donning deerstalker and with magnifying glass in hand, Sherlock Tucker heads for the hospital.
When Roy arrives on the ward, he is surprised to see an unfamiliar face in Blake’s bed, so he asks the patient in the next bed where has he gone? The patient, whose name is Geoff, has no idea, as Blake seldom said anything. It turns out that Geoff spent 30 (or it may be 40 - I was past caring) years on the railway and likes nothing better than to chat…and chat. In vain does Roy try to get information about Blake, but Geoff knows nothing - he cannot even remember Blake’s name for longer than 30 seconds. Perhaps if Roy had said Blake’s name was Thomas, or Mallard, or something similar related to railways, he might have got further.
As it is, after half an hour, Roy (with more than a hint of desperation) says that he has to get back to work and it is now that Geoff contributes his only useful bit of news. Blake discharged himself, but he was picked up by his uncle (“thick-set bloke. Welsh”). Roy says that he thinks he knows who that might be.
The following evening, Philip has invited Roy and Helen over to talk about the wedding. He is making a mega curry and the news of their forthcoming visitors (in about a couple of hours) comes as a bit of a shock to Kirsty. Roy is distant throughout the meal and doesn’t even react when Philip says that he has changed his mind and he does want a Stag night after all. And Kirsty and Helen can have a Hen night, even though they are the only two females at the wedding.
Roy asks if any of Philip’s family will be there - like maybe a nephew? Philip replies that he hasn’t got a nephew and you can hear the Tucker grey matter start grinding. He relates what Geoff said and Philip manages to pass it off (something he’s very good at) by saying that, when Blake was much younger, his and Philip’s families were very close, to the extent that Blake called him ‘uncle’. As a piece of quick thinking on your feet, this is pretty damn good, I reckon. Philip says that Blake was determined to discharge himself, so Philip thought it a kindness to drive him home - to Norfolk, while he got his head together.
Roy eventually accepts this story and apologises for being a miserable git and spoiling the evening (he’s obviously great Best Man material) and he says he ought to leave. Kirsty is somewhat short with him and cannot believe Phil’s compassion for Roy. Let’s just hope that Blake doesn’t decide to go walkabout (although it’s a Pound to a penny that all three workers are locked in), or Phil will have to do some more quick thinking. Before Roy leaves, the Stag night is hastily arranged for next Monday.
But back to Robert. Things between him and his Lindy aren’t going that smoothly - she wants to know the facts of what happened at Grey Gables and he, undoubtedly from the best of motives, wants to protect her and he thinks it’s too early to be thinking about things like that.
He really should know better as, in the early evening, there is a ring at Ambridge Hall’s door bell and Robert opens the door to see Philip and Kirsty on the doorstep. Robert is gobsmacked and speechless, but he recovers enough to say that they’ve got a nerve, coming round after all that has happened. Lynda’s strident voice asks Robert who is it? and, when she hears his answer she tells him to let them in, as they are there at her invitation - she has some questions to ask Philip. Oh yes, perhaps Robert could entertain Kirsty and shut the door behind him.
Robert tells Kirsty how jumpy Lynda is and how he has had to hide all the mirrors in the house. He apologises for the way he welcomed them, but he holds Philip Moss totally responsible for the incident. After Lynda and Philip’s conversation, she thanks him for being so honest and direct in answering all her questions. “You’ve helped me understand” she tells him.
Lynda might be understanding, but not so Robert, who tells his wife “I do not want that man in my house!” Lynda’s reply is that Philip came because she invited him, because she wanted some facts “and I never get any from you.” She also accuses Robert of fussing round her all the time and never doing what she wants. This is too much for Robert and he loses it big time - he takes great exception to Phil calling him Robert and lunges at Philip, shouting insults. Unfortunately, the effect is spoiled when he misses Philip completely, falls over and knocks over a chair. Screaming wildly, Robert tells them to get out. “Leave me alone! Leave me alone, all of you” he yells. It reminded me a bit of the Incredible Hulk when he gets angry, except that, as far as we know, Robert’s muscles did not increase in size threefold, neither did his clothes start splitting. Mind you, the yelling was quite good.
If you expected Lynda to be overcome by this manly show of aggression and protectiveness, then you don’t know Mrs Snell. Far from gazing adoringly into Robert’s eyes, she tells him that he has made things much worse because she invited Philip to their home. However, if he really wants to do something to please her…”Yes?” Robert asks, eagerly. “Apologise to Philip Moss” Lynda says sternly, adding that Robert upset her, and she cannot rest until it has been put right. At first, Robert refuses, but eventually says that he will think about it. “But I’m not promising anything” he warns.
Robert goes for a walk, and runs into Jim. Robert pours out his heart to his friend and says that he cannot do anything right. “Every day is a minefield” he says, woefully. What can he do? Jim has a simple solution - do what Lynda wants and say ‘sorry’ to Philip for his behaviour. Jim’s rationale goes thus: “You’ll both know that you don’t really mean it, but it’s nothing, is it? Not if it means so much to Lynda.”
So it was that, when Robert returned home. Lynda asked if he had seen Philip? “Yes,” her husband replies, “I offered my apology and he accepted it.” Lynda is pleased - she knows it must have been difficult. “Yes, it was” Robert says, tersely. Lynda then says that she has had a long telephone conversation with Mrs Ellis, a regular B&B guest, who wants to book three rooms for her 45th wedding anniversary (Sapphire for your information - I just looked it up). Robert insists that it’s too soon for that, but Lynda says that she will have to face people sometime and Mrs Ellis said that “it was purely my decision.“ “Our decision” Robert butts in, optimistically. Tell me, dear reader, whose will do you reckon will prevail in this? Quite right - give those trousers back to your wife, Robert; Lynda’s on the mend.
We cannot let this week go without mentioning Tracy’s cricket practice night. The good thing is that nobody died, but it was touch and go. Tracy oversaw everything from a canvas chair, megaphone in hand, through which she bellowed instructions and, more frequently, insults at her hapless fellow team members. She had drafted Lee in to lead the exercises, but she had told him to drive them hard, like a US Army Drill Instructor - a role that he embraced all too well. The rest of the squad were somewhat bemused, as well as shattered, as Lee switched from snarling taskmaster to a ‘well done; I hope you win’ as soon as training was over.
Tracy, however, was not happy - Harrison refused to appoint her as team coach (why not - they could have taken out her teeth and put in seats - the old jokes are the best) and Tracy poured her heart out to Roman. It turned out that Roman is quite a useful cricketer (best figures 7 - 34) but Harrison won’t sign him for Ambridge as he says there’s a rule that you have to be a village resident. Tracy moans at this, but Roman says the Skip’s word is law. “Unless there’s a coup d’etat” he adds. “A what?” asks Tracy. “A campaign for regime change” Roman replies, then probably wishes he hadn’t, as he now has to explain the meanings of ‘campaign’, ‘regime’ and (more than likely) ‘change’.
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