I Think The Cricket Club Is In For A Bit Of A Shock

Susie Riddell (Tracy Horrobin)

If I were Harrison Burns (aka in this blog as SgtB) I would have been careful what I had wished for. He calls team members in for the first pre-season training session and it is perhaps indicative of the state of the team when he finds that the Ambridge cricket equipment is showing signs of mould. And not just the equipment, as Tracy is upset when she learns that SgtB has issued an open invitation to all and sundry to ‘come along and have a go.’

This is anathema to Tracy, whose personal attitude to sport might be described not so much as ‘it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; it’s how you play the game’ and more like ‘grab them by the goolies, throw them to the ground, kick them in the fork and put your foot on their throats’. If they resist, clobber them with a cricket bat - you perceive my drift here? This woman is competitiveness personified. 

She describes the first training session as “a load of geriatrics” and tells SgtB that everyone over the age of 50 should be given the boot from the team. I suppose we should think ourselves lucky that she didn’t advocate compulsory euthanasia. As it happens, SgtB asks her after training whether she thinks that her constant sledging during the session was helpful for team morale? How about showing some support instead? It’s not all about winning, he reminds her, as he drives off. “That’s what my primary school teacher used to say” Tracy shouts after him, adding “and he was a pillock who never won anything.”

Harrison is getting increasingly fed up and, in an ill-considered attempt to put Tracy on the spot, he suggests that, instead of moaning, Tracy can run next week’s training session “unless you think you can’t handle it?” he adds, sarcastically. Oops! An error of judgement there, Harrison, as, far from crying off, Tracy is delighted and accepts readily. “You won’t regret this” she tells him, as she moves off. “I’m regretting it already.” Harrison mutters, under his breath.

And I predict that he won’t be the only one, as, when talking about her newly-gained responsibility to Emma, Tracy describes the current state of cricket in Ambridge as “flabby.” “When I take training, they won’t know what’s hit them” Tracy promises. Sounds to me that it might be prudent to have a couple of paramedics standing by, and maybe an ambulance. At the very least there should be a defibrillator ready on hand as a precaution - you can’t be too careful; especially if you are not in the first flush of youth.

Over at Ambridge Hall, preparations are under way to welcome home the invalid from hospital. Freddie has been recruited (willingly, I might add) to help move Lynda’s bed downstairs. This is fine, until Lilian points out that anyone visiting will have a grandstand view of Lynda in bed. Never mind - Lil has a Japanese screen at home which can be used to preserve Lynda’s modesty and which can be moved to allow Lynda to see out into the garden. So far, so good, but every silver lining has its cloud, and in this case, the cloud is Leonie, who makes a surprise visit. The only redeeming feature is that she has left James and son Muppet at home.

Lynda leaves hospital on crutches and is not in the best of tempers. Leonie welcomes her back, but Lynda is only interested in the whereabouts of Monty the dog. He’s away having his nails clipped, or a shampoo and set, or similar, and his absence does nothing to improve Lynda’s mood. She is shown the downstairs bed and immediately says that she doesn’t want it there. Fine, says Robert, we’ll get it moved upstairs. Lynda is in mega-irritable mood and keeps criticising and moaning, until Leonie cannot stand it any longer and starts to speak her mind, calling Lynda ungrateful. Robert drags her out of the room and tells her angrily that the situation is not about him, or Leonie - it’s all about Lynda; does Leonie understand?

Later on, Robert takes Lynda some clean towels and she begs him not to look at her, to which he replies that he bathed her in hospital and he still loves her. “You’re my Lindy” he says, simply. Lynda admits that she has been irritable and apologises for her behaviour, saying that she is very grateful for everything that people have done for her. She begins to cry and the tears turn to tears of joy when Robert brings Monty into her room.

And now we turn to what we might call ‘Bunnygate’, in which a lady of the cloth (well, almost) is not shown in a very good light. Kirsty has rearranged her social life (which sounds impressive, but in reality means that she put Helen off having a night out) in order to help Shula decorate papier-maché eggs for the Easter Fete, which would appear to be getting later and later. I have to admit that wine is involved in what follows - Kirsty reaches out to pour a glass and she inadvertently knocks Bernard (the enormous chocolate bunny that Lilian bought and donated as the first prize in the egg hunt) on to the floor, where he smashes beyond repair. Beyond repair, yes, but not beyond consumption, as trainee cleric Shula decides that there’s no use crying over shattered chocolate and the only solution is to eat Bernard, and it must be said that the two girls do not seem too sad or too guilty about it. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it and Shula and Kirsty tuck in gleefully.

The more alert of you will realise that this throws up a potential problem, as what will the egg-collecting champion have for a prize? It seems that Shula and Kirsty have managed to slip on a substitute, as Kenton, who is acting as MC for the Fete, is momentarily taken aback when he invites the winner of the egg collection hunt (Billy Button) to step forward and collect his prize. Chris was the one charged with collecting the prize from The Bull and he is puzzled to find what he describes as “a freaky frog” instead of a bunny. Part of the hunt was to collect eggs, all of which are decorated with an initial, and to try and make a word from them. Kenton starts to read out Billy’s effort “A-R-S…” before his voice tails off.

Lynda was persuaded by Robert to put in an appearance at the Fete and all goes well until Kenton spots her and gives her a big welcome over the PA. He asks her to say a few words, but she is embarrassed and tongue-tied, especially when Kenton wants her to speak about the new pub sign, which he also wants her to unveil. It is all too much for Lynda, who is unable to speak, and she begs Robert to take her back to the car: “I don’t want to be here” she says, tearfully.

One interesting thing to emerge from the Fete was that Lilian was awarded the prize in the ‘funniest bonnet’ competition. The judges (all of whom were children) chose her entry and the thing is that she wasn’t actually entering the competition - it was just the hat that she usually wears.

At the beginning of the week, Philip Moss attended an informal interview at the Police Station with Sergeant Burns in order to try and make sense of the explosion incident at Grey Gables. SgtB wonders where Blake got the petrol from, as he doesn’t drive, plus how did he get to Grey Gables to do the job? Philip says that Gavin dropped him off, but Gavin didn’t stop to help and that Blake was on his own. As the interview finishes, Philip expresses puzzlement - Blake was a bit of a wild lad at school, but he has never done anything like this before.

Going back to Shula, next week sees her interview with the Bishop’s Advisory Panel as the next step on her path to ordination. She is worried about the personal interview (presumably in case one of the questions is along the lines of ‘Was it you that scoffed Bernard and left Billy Button with a substandard chocolate frog?’) She confides her unease to Alistair, who has the bright idea of conducting a mock interview beforehand - and he promises that he won’t go easy on her, so get out the thumbscrews and taser, Alistair.

Finally, there is the ongoing situation between Ed and Emma. Ed finally gets Jazzer to agree to help him with the sheep shearing, but Jazzer makes him sweat for a while, the little tinker. Ed has already had a shock, when Emma approached him and asked if she could withdraw some money from their joint account. He says ‘yes’ and asks what does she want it for? Her answer takes him aback, as she says that she has been living with Susan and Neil for long enough and it is time that she found a place for her and the children.

Going back a day, Emma was talking to her aunt Tracy and said that Tracy has the right idea - you shouldn’t put up with things as they are; make changes to your life and change those things that you can change. Emma is going to do exactly that.

Alongside this, Ed is being given a hard time by Jazzer, after Ed reveals that he turned down Emma’s offer of a reconciliation and get-together. Jazzer is aghast and says that Ed could make it work if he really wanted to, but Ed says that he is not prepared to take the risk of it all going wrong again. “Believe in yourself” Jazzer tells his friend and, eventually, Ed agrees to see Emma next week. “Great,” says Jazzer; “You won’t regret it - trust me.”

It was shortly after this that Emma told Ed about her plans to move. “But you’ll be the first to know when I find somewhere” she tells her husband. This would appear to have peed on the bonfire of Ed’s plan to win back Emma, but worse is to come; while Ed is helping Chris to tidy up and move furniture after the Fete, Chris mentions that Emma has asked him to move some of her furniture out of the barn.

Ed is thunderstruck - whatever happened to him being the first to know if she finds somewhere? Speaking personally, I hope we don’t have to wait too long before this is all resolved one way or the other, as I have the feeling that this story could run and run and I could easily get really fed up with it. Pull your finger out Ed, for heaven’s sake.