Welcome Back!

Timothy Bentinck (David Archer)

After being off the airwaves for a few weeks - well, with new stories, anyway - last week saw the welcome return of the Archers. The format differed from what we have been used to, with episodes consisting of one or two cast members recording what were, in effect, monologues, which were then spliced together.

The reason for this (in case any historians are reading this blog decades from now and wondering what all the fuss is about) was the global corona virus pandemic. The UK has just undergone 10 weeks of lockdown, with schools, shops and sporting events shut or cancelled, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to suspend belief that things were carrying on as normal in Ambridge. By the end of May, the global death toll from the virus topped 367,000, while fatalities in the UK exceeded 38,000.

Across the nation, workers were suspended (or ‘furloughed’), people were encouraged to work from home and government guidance discouraged and restricted travel and fraternisation - at least in theory. Against this background, the everyday story of country folk was becoming more and more unrealistic. The cast was suffering too, and the stories that made up last week’s offerings were recorded by actors in isolation at home and, more often than not, beneath duvets to exclude outside noises. The week began with David Archer soliloquising on top of Lakey Hill…

David has had a run-in with son Josh (“I don’t know where he gets his temper from” David muses). There is the sound of a car in the distance and David tells us that it is Kirsty on her way somewhere. Poor Kirsty and Philip - their so-called ‘engagement party’ (really a secret wedding) was one of the first events in Ambridge to fall foul of the lockdown.

It turns out that the Home Farm forage harvester broke down when Josh was in it, on the way to collect the silage at Brookfield and David blamed Josh. Cut to Josh, who is aggrieved at being told that it was his fault and he blames Home Farm for not having a complete set of spare parts. “Of course, it’s easier to blame me - as usual” says an embittered Josh. He is convinced that David has more empathy with his siblings than with Josh - even their names are traditional Archer nomenclature (Pip is short for Philippa, named for granddad Phil, while Ben is named after Dan Archer’s younger brother, John Benjamin, usually known as Ben, and who died in August 1972). Josh, on the other hand, was christened Joshua Matthew - where did those names come from, he wonders? 

Josh’s mood improves, and we learn that this is because Adam says that he is not to blame for the forage harvester debacle. In fact, Adam has offered Josh more work on Home Farm and Brian has suggested that he tries to qualify for a spraying licence. Should Josh phone David to gloat (he cannot wait to see his dad’s face). No, best to wait - after all, Josh might need a loan. Speaking of Brian, Josh reveals that Brian and Adam have been at odds over the spring barley - it seems that Brian drilled too early and the rooks got the seed. Adam was not pleased.

However, there is another potential disaster looming at Brookfield, when we learn that Rooooth has volunteered to make lasagne for supper and David is bitterly regretting not stopping her - perhaps he should have offered to cook instead? David describes lasagne as “one of Rooooth’s signature dishes” although it appears that it is less of a signature and more of a scrawl. Nevertheless he is optimistic, saying that “one day she will find the sweet spot between burnt to a crisp and slimy as snails.”

That was Monday, and on Tuesday the protagonists are Tracy and Sgt. Burns. Tracy is bored out of her skull, as Grey Gables is closed for lockdown and she embarks on her scheme to become the Ambridge cricket team Captain and to wrest power from Harrison Burns. Bert Horrobin (Tracy’s dad) is at a loss to understand what Tracy is moaning about - after all, she is getting paid not to go to work, so what could be better than that?

Sgt.B realises that he has a fight on his hands and there will have to be a vote among members - he thinks that Tracy has no idea of what is involved in being Captain. Tracy launches her manifesto and says that, if you’re not playing to win, then there’s no point playing at all. She also slags off the other teams in the league and adds - a trifle unnecessarily, one might think - “I am a bit competitive.” Ha! That’s like Mohamed Ali saying ‘I’m a bit useful, sometimes.’

Despite himself, Sgt B is impressed, until he realises that Tracy’s manifesto is in fact a mish-mash of clichés, cut and pasted from speeches by , among others, Martin Luther king Jnr and Winston Churchill. Be this as it may, the comments from others in the team are generally favourable, which speaks volumes for the intelligence level of Ambridge cricketers. However, Tracy has left her master stroke till the end - she promises that she will not only replace the somewhat manky equipment and kit, but she will also come up with a sponsor for the team. It turns out that the new sponsor is Casey Meats and Sgt B decides that he needs to make a few phone calls if he is to maintain his current position as team Captain.

One person avidly reading both manifestos is Josh, who has yet to decide for whom to vote. He is also facing something of a personal crisis - Adam is offering him more work and Brian keeps pushing the spraying qualification route. Both would bring in extra money, but is that enough? He asks himself “do I want to be ‘Josh Archer, Agricultural Contractor’, or ‘Josh Archer, Rural Entrepreneur’? I know which one I like the sound of.”

While this is going on, the Cricket Captaincy votes are counted and Tracy is the winner, by a single vote. Reflecting on this, Sgt Burns says “a majority is a majority” and adds that Tracy doesn’t really know what she’s let herself in for. Always the sportsman, he raises a glass to the (absent) Tracy and says “Best of luck lass, because you’re going to need it.” It’s not all bad news for our favourite copper, though, as earlier he was attending what looked like a wild goose chase when he came across some lads acting suspiciously on a trading estate; he challenged them and they immediately confessed to every crime in Ambridge over the past decade, including the stolen trailer that Josh was suspected of fencing.

Buoyed by having his name cleared, Josh decides that the time is right to start a new business, so he tells Adam and Brian ‘no thanks’ for the extra agricultural work at Home Farm, because he doesn’t want to be a hired hand for the rest of his life. He even tells David of his new plans to expand the egg business by getting a new shed, two or three times the size of his current enterprise. To Josh’s surprise, David thinks it’s a good idea.

Mind you, everything seems to be going right for Josh at the moment; David told Adam that, if anyone can get new parts quickly for the still-stricken forage harvester, it will be Josh, as he has the gift of the gab “in spades.” Josh gets on to one of his contacts (‘Miserable Mick’ - don’t you just wish you had him on speed dial?) and he does indeed manage to source parts, at a reasonable price and thus save the silage harvest.

David also says that if anyone can make a go of upsizing the egg business, it will be Josh. If I may pause here, when Josh was talking about his new enterprise, I heard him say that he wished that he had moorhens. ’That’s a pretty niche market’ I thought, and wondered how many moorhen’s eggs you’d need for a decent-sized omelette? I then realised that, for ‘moorhens’ we should read ‘more hens’. Well, anybody can make a mistake. David did add the caveat “just as long as he does his books properly this time.” He admits that Josh has given him some hard times, adding; “but it doesn’t stop you praying that your children’s dreams will come true - I might even remember to tell him that sometime.”

Incidentally, Josh asks Rooooth where did they get the idea for his Christian names? His mother says that, when he was a baby, Josh looked very much like David at the same age - so much so, that David referred to him as ‘Junior Me.’ As time went on, this was shortened to ‘J.M.’ and they had to find names to fit these initials, eventually coming up with ‘Joshua Matthew,’ Sounds fishy to me - and begs the question, how old was Josh before he was christened?

Josh and David spent some time on the forage harvester and David reveals his latest ambition, which is to get his old guitar out of the attic and perhaps play a few gigs at the pub and wedding receptions in the Barn. Josh is appalled and reckons that his father is having a mid-life crisis (“It’s the leather jacket all over again.” he thinks, but, wisely says nothing). For his part, David is just pleased that Josh didn’t burst out laughing and mistakes this for a sign of approval, saying that maybe he will try out some tunes later that evening. If anything will end lockdown in Ambridge, I reckon that ‘Disco Dave’ (as either Josh or Rooooth nicknamed him) prancing around with a guitar will do it.

Of course, David may not survive to see the end of lockdown, as he is musing about the family’s reaction to Rooooth’s latest culinary efforts and is wondering if his verdict - “not quite as bad as your last lasagne” was really the most tactful thing that he could have said.

Well, that’s the end of the first week of Ambridge in Lockdown (which is only broadcast on four evenings a week, incidentally). We hope you have enjoyed it and Neil and I are delighted to welcome back old friends and, hopefully, lots of new readers to the blog.