Sophisticated Isn’t The Word…

Ayesha Antoine (Jade)

Last week we were introduced to Jade, Jazzer’s latest squeeze, and, at risk of sounding like a snob, I think I can safely say that she isn’t the sort of girl that you would take to a Royal Garden Party, although I can imagine that she has certain qualities that might appeal to some members of the aristocracy; the male ones at least.

One of these qualities is stamina – poor Jazzer is a pale shadow of his former self and had to take a morning off work due to exhaustion. He is not so much burning the candle at both ends, as attacking it with a blow torch and he is finding that partying all night is incompatible with the job of milkman with its early starts. He has trouble explaining this to Jade, whose philosophy (in the unlikely event of her knowing what the word means) is that there’s plenty of time to rest when they screw down the coffin lid. And when it comes to screwing, this girl certainly knows whereof she speaks.

We find Jazzer in the village shop, where Johnny is talking to Jim, who is behind the counter. Jazzer is hopping with impatience, as he has Jade waiting outside in the car and Jim and Johnny are blethering on about car maintenance. Jazzer offers to take Jade back to Greenacres so that Jim can get to know her – oh, and yes; Jade has asked him to get some Penne pasta. “Ah, she’s going to do that thing with the pasta, is she?” Johnny asks, enigmatically. We should inform any new readers that Johnny once spent a night with Jade when she and Jazzer were an item, and he enjoyed it immensely, thanks very much. 

Fast forward to Greenacres, where Jade persists in referring to Jim as ‘Jimmy’, or ‘Jimbo’, much to his annoyance. The mystery of the pasta is solved, as Jade bets Jazzer (£10) that she can shoot a piece of penne out of her nose into a target (which is Jim’s Horace mug, much to his disgust). The girl is a dead shot and scores a bullseye first time. Jim makes a mental note to put the mug in the dishwasher. This episode is all very well, but could Jade do it with, say, Cannelloni, or Ravioli, or – a real test of nostril capacity here – Fiori? Indeed, could she do it if the Penne had been cooked?

Jade drags Jazzer off for another night of clubbing, and Johnny turns up to borrow a vacuum pump (don’t ask). Jim describes Jade as having “a very vibrant presence” and Johnny replies by saying that she can be very full on – “but what a looker.” Jim says that he will reserve judgement until he gets to know Jade better. Be careful Jim – at your age, becoming more familiar with a girl like Jade could well prove fatal.

Over at Brookfield, dissent is brewing. David is up to his armpits (literally) in a difficult lambing, and Rooooth wants to discuss the future of the farm. In her vision, there won’t be any more difficult lamb births, as she wants to get rid of the sheep. David, who has already scaled down the flock by 30%, is not enamoured by this suggestion, as the sheep are his baby, so to speak. Rooooth also wants to scale down the Hereford side of the farm (David’s other baby); leaving him to observe that he feels like he is being sent to the scrapheap – especially as Pip agrees with her mother. What about the rest of the family? Talking to Ruairi later, Ben says that Josh doesn’t count as, if it hasn’t got feathers and lays eggs, he isn’t interested. As for Ben, no-one seems to consider what he wants, and he is wondering what he can do with a well-trained sheepdog and no sheep.

In last week’s blog, I banged on about Lynda and her idea to hold Mystery Plays as part of her ‘village cleansing’ vision. Well, she’s at it again this week – having roped Kirsty in as producer (we knew Kirsty would cave in and agree), Kirsty visits Brookfield – Lynda has her eye on their barn as one of the venues for her village-wide production. Both David and Rooooth say ‘no’, but David does agree to taking a part. Interestingly, he doesn’t know what part, as he is told that he will be notified exactly what it will be at some future date.

Later on, Rooooth gets a message from Lynda telling her that she has been pencilled in for “a hefty speaking part” in the production, and she is terrified, as she dreads speaking in public. “I’d rather give her the barn” Rooooth tells her husband. And now we have the first bit of sense to be spoken about this whole drama scene, when David says “You could always say ‘no’ to both.” “I can’t just knock Lynda – and Kirsty – back” Rooooth protests, making the point that both women have had a hard time recently.

Surely then they should have better things to do? God alone knows that David and Rooooth certainly have, as they are at daggers drawn over the future of Brookfield and the last thing they need is a troupe of amateur actors swanning all over the place. And why can’t they just say ‘no’? It doesn’t have to be impolite; just let them know that you’d rather not participate this year, nor next year, nor the next millennium or two, thanks for asking. Bye – let me show you out. I’m beginning to think that there is some sort of covenant that goes with all property in Ambridge that says something like ‘at least once a year, some interfering old witch will try to get you involved in some kind of pretentious garbage and you are not allowed to say no.’ Why else would anyone agree year after year?

Chris gets a message from Sgt Burns – does he fancy a coffee? Alice encourages him to go (she’s probably glad to get some space) and he does so. SgtB asks after Alice – how is she coping? When Chris says that she is doing really well, Harrison says is he sure? These addictions can be hard to shake off, you know. He doesn’t actually say ‘these drunks have a kind of low cunning’ but that is the inference. Chris gets really narked and says what would Harrison know – he and Fallon have never had a child. Er, true, Chris, but then again, neither have you and Alice yet. Harrison apologises and all is forgotten. 

When Chris gets back to Alice, he confesses that he did tell Harrison about Alice going to detox (despite agreeing to keep it a secret), but Alice says that she knew that all along and she forgives her husband and loves him very much.

Speaking of love – or, more accurately, – lust, Ben has a brainwave and takes Ruairi to view an old caravan in a field at Brookfield. It was the same van that the boys used when they held their spectacularly unsuccessful ‘Love Sucks’ anti-Valentine’s night a couple of years ago. Time has not been kind to the caravan and Ruairi is spot on when he describes it as “a wreck.” Ben concedes that it needs a little work, which is like saying that the Mary Rose needed a lick of paint after it was salvaged. But what does Ben want it for? The answer, he tells his friend, is that, given some TLC, it could be transformed into a Love Shack.

Ben is fed up not having anywhere to take girlfriend Evie (and it’s still a bit parky for al fresco nookie) so this is the perfect answer – or it will be when the renovations are complete. True, David and Rooooth are relaxed about letting their son have ‘a friend’ stay overnight, but Ben cannot bear the embarrassment of his girlfriend being subjected to Jill’s third degree over breakfast. God knows what she says (‘did you have a nice orgasm dear?’ or ‘does he still suffer from premature ejaculation?’ maybe) but Ben sees the Love Shack as the answer to his prayers. Just don’t forget to put the chocks under the wheels Ben, or else it might end up in the milking parlour or, even worse, in the silage clamp.

Ruairi is sceptical, but when Ben asks whether Brian and Jennifer allow Ruairi to have friends of the opposite sex to stay over and that Ruairi could always use the Love Shack when Ben doesn’t need it, he begins to show some interest and agrees to help with the refurbishment. From their description of the state of the vehicle, I reckon that both lads will be drawing their pensions (or pushing up daisies) before it is in a habitable (for however brief a time) condition. Not that they will care overmuch. 

Let us finish with two contrasting love stories, involving two best friends. Kirsty goes to see Helen, to tell her that she has a visiting order to go and see Philip in prison. Helen isn’t convinced, but Kirsty is determined. When she arrives at the prison, Philip says “Hello, love –“ but Kirsty cuts him short, telling him not to call her ‘love’, ‘darling’ or anything similar or she will walk out. Philip has noticed that she is still wearing her wedding ring. Getting straight down to brass tacks, Kirsty says that she wants to know about Victoria. Phil is taken aback – how does she know about her? “I’ve seen Gavin” Kirsty replies curtly.

Philip suggests that Gavin must be having a breakdown, as he is talking rubbish. Kirsty reminds him that, if he pleads ‘not guilty’ then Gavin will get all the blame and could be looking at years inside. She also tells him that she is trying to find the lads and Philip is horrified – their owners are not nice people. “Like the sort of person who’d sell another human being? Kirsty asks. Philip denies that he sold anybody, but he admits that there may have been a finder’s fee for moving the lads on. He says that a long prison stretch would be unbearable, but adds: “I can’t plead guilty – I’ve done nothing wrong.”

This is the sort of measure of self-delusion of which Susan Carter would be proud, and it is the last straw for Kirsty. She tells her husband that he obviously does not have even a shred of decency left and there is no point in her staying any longer. Nor is there any point in her wearing her wedding ring any more, and it will go into the first bin that she comes across. Her parting shot is to say that there was no point in her coming there – “Our marriage was already over when I got here.” And she leaves without saying goodbye. Come on Kirsty – why not sell the ring and donate the proceeds to some deserving charity? Anti-slavery, perhaps? Or something green, maybe? That would seem to be more positive than just chucking it away. 

Helen talks to Lee on the phone and then goes round to see him, as they are planning a Chinese takeaway. Helen teases him about his behaviour with Henry last week – Henry thinks Lee’s a soft touch for buying him an ice cream when he wandered off. Helen says she’s been thinking, and she’s relaxed about Lee being a part of the boys’ lives. Would he be interested in moving into a house with her and the boys? Would he? You bet! “I’ve been dreaming of making a family with you and the boys for ages” he tells her, adding “Of course I would!” And there is the sound of a lingering kiss. Good for you Lee and Helen, I say, and I hope you have many happy years together – you deserve it.