It Must Be Something To Do With Lent

 David Troughton (Tony Archer)

In previous years, we have eagerly awaited the latest mad idea from the Reverend Alan Franks to celebrate the period of Lent – you remember; performing random acts of kindness, cooking meals for neighbours, holding your breath for forty days and suchlike (one of these ideas was just to see if you are paying attention). In fact, we were certain that the vicar had a monopoly on (and an unlimited source of) madcap ideas.

But not this year! Alan is horribly busy and the last thing he needs is for some nutter to come up with a daft idea. Step forward Lynda Snell, who is deeply concerned that, following the revelations of Philip’s use of slave labour, the village is in dire need of spiritual cleansing. “What’s needed is some kind of communal purge” she tells Alan. Alan has an imminent urgent appointment, but instead of telling Lynda that she is confusing him with someone who gives a toss, he asks what does she have in mind?

She says that, following the example set by Jesus, he should wash the feet of everyone in the village, whereupon Alan realises that Lynda has gone mad. He bursts into almost-hysterical laughter and reminds her that he has four parishes to look after and, anyway, twelve pairs of feet were enough for Jesus and here is Lynda, suggesting that he washes several hundred. Lynda says “what about the bishop?” I cannot help feeling that asking your boss to clean a crowd of people’s feet is not the best career move that you could possibly make. Plus, as Alan points out, it’s difficult to wash someone’s feet whilst maintaining social distancing, although I suppose he could use a high pressure garden hose.

Undeterred, Lynda has another idea – why not revive the Mystery Plays that were so popular a few years ago? Again, Alan pleads pressure of ecclesiastical duties, but Lynda replies that he need not get involved, as she has just the person in mind. That person is Kirsty, whom Lynda approaches and tells her that she will be ideal as the producer. Kirsty says ‘no thanks’ but Lynda warns her that she will not give up, and will employ ‘gentle persuasion’ (ie keep on nagging her until she gives in.)

I know that I am in danger of sounding like a broken record, but why oh why cannot someone just say, politely but firmly, something along the lines of ‘I couldn’t care less about village events – I’d just like to be left alone and I do not want to get involved. Please just try to get it into your head that I have no interest in your idea, neither can you appeal to my social conscience, as I don’t have one, so please just go away for ever.’ I tell you – I knew this giving up theatrics was a load of rubbish and the Mystery Plays gambit is the Christmas extravaganza ten months early. 

As predicted, Lynda keeps on at Kirsty, who sounds like she is beginning to waver, although she still says ‘no’. Stay strong Kirsty! Lynda lays it on with a trowel, telling Kirsty that she knows it will be “marvellous and magical” with Kirsty at the helm. Don’t listen Kirsty! Haven’t you got down-and-outs to track down? Having had a rant, I know that I am peeing against the wind and that Lynda’s will will prevail – even worse, since the Grey Gables explosion, she can always play the ‘look at me, I’m injured’ card. There should be a law against it.

Let’s ignore Lynda for now, so that my blood pressure can recover. Last week was Tony’s 70^th birthday and his son Tom has a dilemma – should he tell his father about the less-than-caring video message that Tony’s mum Peggy has contributed as a birthday tribute? In the end, and after a few sleepless nights, Tom decides that it will be less of a shock if Tony is prepared for it, so Tom lets him listen to it, and expresses the hope that Tony could laugh it off as a joke.

Ha! In your dreams Tom! Tony angrily tells him to turn it off and then goes off on one, saying that he has never been good enough in Peggy’s eyes and he’s not going to put up with it any longer – his mother is not welcome in his house any more and Tom is to ban her from his party. Interesting; I’ve never seen a 70 year-old throw his toys out of his pram before.

Tom is in a quandary – he doesn’t want to bear bad news to his gran, so he has the idea to get auntie Lilian involved. Lilian turns up at Bridge Farm and spells things out to her brother – Tony shouldn’t feel unwanted; he was unplanned, for sure, but Peggy loved him from first sight. She had a terrible birth, with the umbilical cord wrapped round the baby’s neck (so the birth wasn’t much fun for Tony, either). Even worse, the doctor told Peggy that the difficult birth was the result of her negative feelings during pregnancy; in short, if Tony had died, it would have been Peggy’s fault. 

Lilian says that Peggy has never been good at showing her feelings and, at the age of 96, she’s not likely to change now. “How would you feel,” asks Lilian, “if mum died tomorrow and the last thing that you had ever said to her was ‘I don’t want you to come to my birthday party’?” Tony capitulates and replaces the toys in the pram and, as we learn from Helen the following day, mother and son were very close and happy on the day. Incidentally, when I talked about Tony throwing his toys out of the pram, I did not include his present from Lilian and Justin, which was an expensive locomotive for his model layout – of course, Tony would strenuously deny that it could ever be classed as ‘a toy’…

I know the Archers is a story about country folk, but they have a fifth columnist in Ambridge, as we learn that Mia has come out as a Vegan. It seems only a few months ago that she was prattling baby talk, but now she has progressed to talking about ‘subverting the patriarchy’ when discussing Clarrie and Eddie renewing their marriage vows. Furthermore, she insists that they make sure that any confetti they have is 100% natural and biodegradable. Only then will she agree to be their bridesmaid – and even then, only if she doesn’t have to wear a fancy dress.

Mia is obviously a Greta Thunberg fan and she apologises to Eddie for criticising his ham sandwich at lunch the other day. Eddie points out that meat production is what Grange Farm and lots of surrounding farms do to make a living. Mia, who, I am afraid, is potentially growing into someone that I would cheerfully slap, gives Eddie a lecture on climate change. Eddie tries to put forward his point of view, but Mia is on her high horse – “Your generation just can’t see it” she tells her step-granddad. Meanwhile, Clarrie is pondering how she can make a pasta bake without using milk, butter, cheese or eggs. I think Mia is going to prove a bit of a handful.

Over at the playground, Emma has roped in Rex to help her construct the obstacle course that she wants to build for the ‘cleansing’ of the site – children (or, I suspect, their parents, more likely) have been boycotting it since they learned about the slave labour. She’s cut it a bit fine, as the place is supposed to re-open in a couple of days. Rex comes up with a few ideas and solutions, and the pair talk about what it is to have dreams Emma says that she was desperate to have a home in Beechwood, but now she couldn’t be happier with her mobile home and her family around her at Grange Farm.

For his part, Rex tells her that he is applying for the Council Farm, but he is pessimistic about his chances. Emma replies that, even if he doesn’t get it, she is sure that something else will come along; meanwhile we all need our dreams. Thank you, Mrs Micawber of Ambridge.

Helen is in a spot of bother – she has some urgent work to get done, but she has promised to take the boys to the playground opening. No sweat – Lee says that he can take the boys and she can get on with work. At the playground, Emma asks Lee if he and Henry will be entering the ‘father and son’ event. Lee says he doesn’t know – he’ll ask Henry. Panic! Henry is nowhere to be seen and Lee progresses swiftly into meltdown – should he call Helen? Should he call the police and report a missing child? Emma tells him not to worry; Henry is probably of playing with his mates. Sure enough, he turns up with George and other friends and Lee calms down.

Speaking to Lee on the phone later, Helen is amused at Lee’s reaction; even more so when Lee reveals that he bought Henry an ice cream (with a Flake); “a novel approach to discipline” Helen teases him. But Lee is serious and says that the two of them need to talk, to establish some ground rules about how to behave with each other’s children. Come on Lee, lighten up a little.

On Thursday, Kirsty has managed to shake Lynda off and she meets Helen to tell her that she (Kirsty) is going to visit Gavin in prison. Gavin is pleased to see her and, in answer to her questions, he says that he has told the police everything he knows about Victoria, the slave master, and the sale of the lads. He also mentions that Victoria has a reputation for being ruthless – something that does nothing to ease Kirsty’s disquiet about the lads’ fate. For his part, Gavin regrets the fact that he did nothing and even helped Blake put his bag in the car when the three lads were driven away after being sold.

Gavin goes on to say that his attitude to the lads changed when he had to spend some time looking after them in the flat and, after the sale, he had had enough and ran away. He admits that he missed the boys. He slept rough for some time “where I saw the best and the worst of some people” and the experience affected him and changed his outlook on a number of things; not least his attitude to his father Phil.

Kirsty asks how will he get on in prison, and Gavin replies that he will keep his head down and take what’s coming. He knows he doesn’t deserve Kirsty’s sympathy, but he’s glad he’s had the chance to say ‘sorry’. It seems that Gav is not the only one who has had a change of heart, as Kirsty says that she’d like to come and see him again. “You don’t have to” Gavin tells her, but she replies that she’d like to.

Gavin is either a superb actor, or he is genuinely repentant, as he says “When I get out of here, I’m going to be a better man – my own man this time.” Kirsty is impressed, and says “You know what? I believe you Gav.” He is obviously touched, as he tells her; “Thanks Kirsty – that means the world to me.”