Poor Clarrie – she doesn’t ask for much, does she? Just as well, really, as that’s exactly what she gets most of the time. Take the Mystery Plays, for example; Clarrie is pathetically keen to shine as one of the Three Wise Men, not least because Susan has made it plain that she doesn’t rate Clarrie’s acting ability very highly. So keen is Clarrie, that she has asked Sabrina Thwaite for elocution lessons, and it is this that leads to her latest disappointment.
Kirsty approaches Clarrie, bearing a message from Lynda – the director is displeased, because it has come to her notice that Clarrie has let slip the fact that Ambridge is planning to put on the Mystery Plays. This is despite the fact that Lynda has put a blanket ban on everybody, swearing them to silence and forbidding them to say anything about Ambridge’s plans, on pain of having their tongue ripped out and buried at a crossroads at midnight. And that’s if she is feeling merciful.
Under intense questioning, Clarrie admits that she has spoken to Sabrina, but begs Kirsty to let her off with a warning. As punishment, Clarrie will thrash herself with nettles and brand herself with hot irons. She begs Kirsty to forgive her and not tell Lynda, describing it as “a one-off slip”. Kirsty is on the verge of allowing Clarrie to carry on, but she asks if Clarrie has told anybody else? No, no – well there was Susan, when Clarrie was first offered the part, and, of course, Helen might have overheard them talking, then there’s Oliver and, of course, Emma and Edward know, but they are family.
Oh dear Clarrie; you have blown it big time and Kirsty has her orders – this is a hanging offence and, in a passable Lord Sugar impression, Kirsty tells her “You’re fired.” Before she goes off to be tarred and feathered, Clarrie asks how did Lynda ever expect to keep the production a secret? A good question – the grandchildren might have noticed Clarrie wandering round the house, wearing a crown and carrying gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Power would appear to have gone to Lynda’s head, as half the villagers are appearing in the play(s) and the other half have been tapped up to provide suitable venues for staging various scenes – Brookfield, for example, has already been earmarked for its barn and also to supply a few sheep in an outside pen when it comes to the shepherds’ scene. This mania for secrecy also begs the question how does Lynda expect to attract an audience if nobody knows what the production is?
Let’s leave Clarrie sobbing her heart out, bless her. Over at the shop, Jim is behind the counter, serving Jazzer, who is still miffed at the way Jim upset Jade. Alice enters, craving chocolate as a treatment for backache. Chris is out on a shopping trip with sister Emma, buying things for the expected baby. Emma is just telling Chris that she might apply for the position of Parish Council Chair if Neil resigns, when Chris’s phone rings. Emma answers it (Chris is driving) and it is Jazzer, who tells her that Alice has gone into labour in the shop and he and Jim have rung for an ambulance – see them at the hospital.
Chris is all for going to the shop, but Emma eventually persuades him of the folly of this idea, as the ambulance will be taking Alice to the hospital and they don’t want to miss each other. Chris is rapidly going to pieces and rants that Alice needs him. Actually Chris, I think she’s got other things on her mind at the moment. The upshot is that Alice gives birth to a baby girl in Jim’s car, helped by a lady on the phone, and by Jazzer, who wraps the newborn infant in Jim’s coat, thus ensuring that Jim will get a bill for dry cleaning, to go with the one for valeting the car.
The baby is small but, as the doctor tells Chris and Alice, not worryingly so and she is in an incubator just as a precaution, as she was six weeks premature. This is the elephant in the room for the Carters – is the child disabled in any way or will it have learning difficulties due to Alice’s drinking? Give the poor little sod a chance – a few hours old is a bit young to start worrying about learning difficulties, surely? Alice is worried because premature birth can be caused by alcohol but the doctor assures the couple that there are any number of causes for early birth and they have a lovely little daughter.
Of course, the pandemic means that no visitors are allowed, so Jennifer is beside herself with frustration. Brian has a more practical attitude and takes a bottle of 25 year-old malt to Jim and Jazzer as a ‘thank you’. Jim and Jazzer have, by this time, reconciled their differences over Jade and Jim offers to cook everyone a breakfast fry-up, as Jazzer has just returned from his milk round. Brian accepts with alacrity (no doubt thinking that it will make a nice change from listening to Jenny banging on about how she’s not allowed to see her new granddaughter) and, before long, the bottle of malt has been opened and the lads are enjoying themselves. By my reckoning, it cannot be later than 9.30 am at the most and the sun is nowhere near the yardarm, but I suppose we can forgive the trio this once. Brian asks Jazzer if he’d ever wanted children and, getting a negative answer we all wonder, if not, then why is he practising so enthusiastically?
At the hospital, Chris runs into Alan (the vicar is there visiting a terminally-ill parishioner) and it is obvious that Chris is troubled. He asks Alan if he would be prepared to give their baby a blessing, which is odd, as he is not religious, despite being a bellringer. “It would be my honour” Alan replies, hiding his surprise very well at this sudden upsurge in God-bothering.
If Alan’s surprised, that’s nothing compared to Alice’s reaction when Chris tells her of his request – even more so when Chris reveals that he has got the vicar waiting outside the door. Having got Alice’s approval, Chris calls Alan into the room to perform the blessing.
Going back to Ambridge, fortunately for Brian’s eardrums, Jennifer managed to talk to Chris and/or Alice at the hospital and he has some good news for Jim and Jazzer – the new parents have decided that the child’s middle name will begin with a ‘J’ in recognition of the part played in the birth by the two men. We wait with bated breath – will it be ‘Jimjazz’? Or ‘Jazzjim’?
But let us return to the hospital; Alan asks the couple if they have chosen a name yet? Chris says ‘no’ which conjures up the somewhat surreal image of Alan saying something along the lines of ‘Dear Lord, please protect and bless your new servant ‘Whatshername’.’ However, Alice quickly says “Martha” and, in response to the quizzical looks of the two men, replies “It’s the name that Chris likes.” And so it is that Alan asks God to bless the new arrival; ‘Martha Jasmine Carter’.
Next day (I think) Chris is talking to Alan – how is the new father doing? The answer is ‘not very well’, as Chris gets very angry and shouts “Why didn’t Alice have her hospital bag ready? Why does she leave everything to the last minute? I’m sick of it!” Alan tells him that it’s OK to be emotional after the birth of your first child but Chris says that it’s more than that. Alan says, kindly, ”OK, what is it that I don’t understand?”
Bit by bit, the whole story about Alice’s drinking comes out and Chris says he’s worried that Martha might be adversely affected in some way – what would they do then? Alan replies that that is unlikely but, if it were to happen, “Then you cross that bridge when you come to it.” Chris is not convinced and says that he is afraid that, if Martha does have a disability caused by alcohol, then he might not be able to cope with it “And if not, then I’m scared that I will blame Alice for the disability and I might end up hating her”, Chris tells the vicar.
While Chris was unburdening his soul to Alan, Alice had a visit from mother-in-law Susan (and Neil, but he was soon despatched by his wife to find them a cup of tea, or coffee, or whatever, but just sod off and leave them alone).
Susan is unusually sensitive, and reassures Alice that her feelings are perfectly natural (we should remember that neither Susan nor Neil are aware of Alice’s alcohol problem) and Susan shares some of her birthing experiences. She reveals that, like Martha, Emma was a premature birth, plus they had to use forceps, so it wasn’t much fun.
Chris’s birth was much quicker and more simple, but he had a cleft lip and Susan felt it might somehow be her fault. Despite Chris’s beautiful blue eyes and shock of black hair (the latter of which Martha has inherited – we aren’t sure about the eye colour, as Alice hasn’t noticed) Susan felt revulsion for her son and couldn’t bear to be seen out with him until he had surgery to repair the lip.
Susan says that Alice “Will be a good mother.” She adds; “You’ve got a wonderful, healthy daughter, with parents who love her and who love each other – don’t worry; it’s all going to be fine.”
Let’s hope so, and that Martha is a healthy baby, so that Chris and Alice can stop having doubts and fears about their daughter; and, indeed, each other. Assuming Martha is OK, do you reckon that Alice will ever drink alcohol again? Indeed, will she want to? I reckon that the big test will be at Martha’s christening – the least they can do after Alan’s input is to hold it at St. Stephen’s - and if Lilian is invited to the party afterwards, then I reckon that Alice’s could be the most spectacular slide off the wagon ever experienced in Ambridge.
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