Some Of Our Bees Are Missing

Ben Norris (Ben Archer)

It was a bit of a mixed week for Ben Archer; Jill keeps finding jobs for him to do (payback for the car birthday present, no doubt) and on Monday we find him in the orchard at Brookfield, reflecting on the fact that he really should have added a super in one of the hives a week or so ago and things are getting a bit crowded in there.

If you found that last paragraph totally incomprehensible, don’t worry; you are not alone, as I for one didn’t have a clue either. Good old Google to the rescue! (Other search engines are also available). Stop me if you already know this, but ‘super’ is short for ‘superstructure’ and is basically a box in which wooden frames (usually 8 or 10) are hung and on which the bees build their honeycombs. The usual size is 6 5/8”, or 9 5/8” if you are particularly strong (a full honeycomb is quite heavy, apparently). Never let it be said that the Archers, or indeed, this blog, fails to educate listeners and readers!

So, we have Ben wandering the orchard and he notices that the bees are swarming and have taken up temporary residence in an apple tree. Just then his phone rings and it’s Chloe, the Junior Doctor with whom Ben had a one-night stand. She asks if this is a good time to talk and, lying through his teeth, Ben says of course. We learn that she is going to allow him to cook a meal for her, which is big of her, but when the call ends, Ben notices that the bees have obviously got bored and flown away.

Disaster! Ben says that Jill will kill him if the bees are lost - she could have used the swarm to start another hive. Even worse, Ben will be ostracised and probably never again get to taste any of Jill’s cakes and pastries. When you find yourself stripped naked, covered in honey and lashed to a post outside a beehive by a vengeful Grandmother, that will be the least of your worries, my lad.

Perhaps we should pause and take time to ask why is Chloe bothering to get in touch? After their ‘hips that pass in the night’ moment, she told Ben to go away and do some growing up and to work on his technique. In addition, she is seven years older than Ben, is reportedly drop-dead gorgeous and, as a Junior Doctor, presumably quite intelligent, so why is she bothering with someone who doesn’t even notice when several hundred (or maybe several thousand - my apiarist knowledge isn’t that in-depth) bees decide to go awol? I do hope that she isn’t pregnant, as Ben already has a rather inflated idea of his own self importance and to land a catch like Chloe, if you will pardon the phrase, will do nothing to dampen his ego.

The bees were definitely the stars of last week’s episodes; even getting a mention on Susan Carter’s Radio Borsetshire show. Ben phoned in to report the loss of the swarm and gave his mobile number in case there was any news. As a consequence, he is now something of a figure of fun and Rex and Toby make buzzing noises whenever they see him (oh, the wit!). Even worse, he keeps getting calls from Barry whenever he (Barry) sees a solitary bee. Barry, who doesn’t have a speaking part, seems to have taken over from Tracy’s thicko brother Gary as the resident Village Idiot and obviously doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘swarm’. Strange that neither Gary nor Barry have speaking parts; ‘dumb’ in every sense of the word, you might say.

Susan’s radio show is going through something of a crisis and Danny the producer is concerned; he thinks the listeners are losing interest. Susan, however, thinks that they are just busy doing something else (like intently watching paint dry, maybe?) and perhaps she should talk about more controversial things. It probably doesn’t help that someone with a name like Thelma Deeply-Boring of darkest Borsetshire has sent a list of her favourite records, one of which is Paddy McGinty’s Goat by Val Doonican. I swear you could hear the sound of people lapsing into comas over the airwaves.

In an attempt to enthuse her listeners, Susan wants to hear their experiences of ‘disappointing dates.’ Personally, I’ve never thought that July 23^rd has ever been very exciting, but it turns out that this is not what Susan means and she launches into a story about this anonymous girl who once grabbed hold of her boyfriend’s dad’s leg in the dark (father and son had swapped chairs). This led to all sorts of complications and misunderstandings.

I said the girl in the story was anonymous, but halfway through, Susan refers to “my sis-” before stopping herself and Tracy, listening at home, recognises herself as the heroine (if indeed that is the word I want) of the story. Tracy is not best pleased - in fact, she is just the other side of incandescent - and rings up the radio station to have it out with her sister. Tracy’s language, we gather, was somewhat intemperate and she is cut off for swearing. “That wasn’t proper swearing” she says to herself, still in a temper and vows to take revenge on her sister. “You’ve asked for this, Susan” Tracy says and her weapon of choice is social media, which she promises “to be all over, like a latex onesie.” Her first post is about Neil, who Tracy says has always had the hots for Shula for the past few decades. “He’d jump into her jodhpurs like a shot” Tracy says, typing furiously. She is doing this outside and we suddenly hear a scream - the swarm has invaded the garden and Tracy, who is terrified of bees, beats a hasty retreat, still screaming.

Meanwhile, back at Radio Borsetshire (or at least Susan’s converted attic room studio) Mrs Carter is blissfully unaware that, as far as her sister is concerned, Susan is living on borrowed time. Susan thinks that Tracy’s call livened up the show nicely - “Pity about the swearing, but when Tracy’s calmed down, she’ll see the funny side” Susan says, confidently. Oh yeah? Want to bet, Susan? If I were you, I’d carry a swarm of bees around with me just in case I ran into my sister.

And what of the bees, I hear you scream? Are they doomed to be homeless wanderers for ever? Far from it - they have taken up residence in Josh’s baler, which he discovers as he is checking it over before selling it. It turns out that he gets stung twice, but the bees are rehomed safely and Jill puts away the thumbscrews. The only consolation for Josh is that Ben turned up at Tracy’s to collect the swarm, resplendent in “my bee suit” and Chelsea (Tracy’s daughter) filmed him and posted it on social media. When he says “my bee suit” I am assuming that he means the full protective gear with hat and veil, rather than something with black and yellow horizontal stripes and a pair of fake wings.

Away from the bees, Kirsty is a bit down - David has told her that, when the Brookfield wedding venue barn is back up and running, the priority will be wedding bookings, pushing Kirsty and Phil’s engagement party booking to the bottom of the list. Of course, David doesn’t know that the engagement party is really a secret wedding party and Kirsty cannot tell him the truth.

She thinks that the news will make Phil even more depressed and grumpy, but she tells him anyway, regretting the action almost immediately as he slopes off in a mood. Helen realises that her friend is down in the dumps, but what can she do to cheer Kirsty up? Her first thought - a group chat - is greeted with only lukewarm enthusiasm, but then Helen has an idea; a virtual Hen Night. Kirsty thinks it sounds great and even Philip laughs out loud when he hears of it. Helen is pleased, as it means that Kirsty can spend at least one evening without worrying about Philip.

Helen has lined up all Kirsty’s friends and come up with a number of games to keep the bride-to-be amused and occupied. As an example, there is a charades game called ‘guess the animal’, which involves Pat wearing a wok on her head and a hose from the vacuum cleaner (it was an elephant in case you hadn‘t guessed). Other highlights of the night included a 70s music play list, organised by Roy and Phoebe - it was a busy night for Roy, as he also fixed Kirsty’s dodgy Internet reception.

Kirsty is getting stuck into the wine and is quite mellow by the time that we rejoin the virtual party. The last game of the night is Tracy’s dare, in which Kirsty is dared to get Philip’s phone and make a prank call to the person that Phil last called. This turned out to be a slightly bemused Kenzie and, when Philip found out about the dare, he was not happy. So unhappy was he, that Kirsty was surprised at the shortness of his fuse and an argument ensued. On the plus side, it meant that she and Phil had a long chat and he agreed to spend less time on his phone. Kirsty reflects that the evening has done her the world of good and she really wants to get married. “As far as I’m concerned, it can’t come soon enough” she says to herself. This contrasts with her mood earlier in the week, when she learned of Brookfield’s decision to ‘demote’ her engagement party. “Look at my track record - me and weddings; it’s like a curse.”

Earlier on, we questioned Chloe’s sanity regarding her relationship with Ben, and it seems that we are not alone in this, as Josh is baffled too. In fact he says “He’s so far below her in the food chain.” Talking of food, Ben has been experimenting - largely without success, according to Josh - with making Thai meals. The reason for  this is because Chloe is very enthusiastic about Thai cuisine and Ben plans to serve up a Thai dish when he cooks for Chloe, but he just cannot get it right. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter, as Chloe says she’d be very happy with pizza. Just as well, thinks Josh as, going by results so far, Ben has definitely inherited the cooking genes of his mother. Ouch!

However, let us end this week by going back to Kirsty’s virtual Hen party - specifically the ‘guess the animal’ charades. Personally, I would have got Tony to empty his trouser pockets and turn them inside out. The animal in question? An elephant with cloth ears, of course.