No Use Crying Over Unspilt Milk

Louiza Patikas (Helen Archer)

Helen is drowning in undelivered milk. Not literally, you understand, but the bulk tank is full and the stock room is filling up with cheese wheels. It would be nice to sell the excess milk, but the dairy doesn’t have enough bottles, plus they are short of labour since Susan and Clarrie were stood down. Helen is missing Lee, who is spending every hour at the hospital, and she cannot see a way round the milk problem - it would break her heart to have to throw so much good milk away.

By contrast, things are going very well for Tom and the Bridge Fresh enterprise; the lockdown situation means that the app is extremely successful - so much so that Tom is crying out for extra delivery drivers. In addition to Bridge Farm produce, they are also selling Josh’s eggs, Toby’s gin and cakes from the tearoom and, to show how big-hearted he is, Tom is only charging them on a wholesale basis. Pat thinks that he should charge them commission only, but Tom takes the stance that why shouldn’t Bridge Fresh make something out of the current situation? He can always adjust the pricing when the pandemic is over. 

What is really bugging Helen is the fact that Susan has asked her to go on Susan’s radio show. Helen is annoyed, protesting that she hasn’t enough time to spare, but deep down, she is annoyed at herself for passing up what she admits would be a great opportunity to promote Bridge Farm and its products. Helen admires Susan for the way she has seized her opportunity over the radio programme and she (Helen) starts beating herself up - what is there to be afraid of? Just pick up the phone and tell Susan she will do it; Helen admits that Tom will think she’s mad for passing up such a chance.

Eventually, Helen admits to herself that her fear is that listeners will recognise her name from the Court case and the thought of all those listeners reminds her of how she felt in court. The spectre of Rob still haunts her and she tries to persuade herself that things have changed. “I’ve moved on,” she scolds herself, adding; “I’m not Helen Titchener any more.” So what’s the matter with her, she asks - surely she’s not going to let it beat her now?

Meanwhile, Tom gets a call back from Eddie, agreeing that Eddie will join the team of Bridge Fresh delivery drivers, but only on the condition that Grange Farm cider is added to the portfolio of products available. Tom agrees, then turns his mind to the subject of providing fresh produce for veg boxes. He comes up with a brilliant solution - Johnny can harvest what vegetables are needed tomorrow; Tom thinks he (Tom) is working quite hard enough.

This news is certainly not music to Johnny’s ears, as he thinks that Tom is already working him fairly relentlessly and, what with getting earache from Tom and also Tracy (about keeping fit for cricket) he has more than enough on his plate. Talking to the cows (lockdown has some strange effects on some people) Johnny bemoans his fate - what does Tracy know about fitness; she probably lights up a fag as soon as her latest instruction video is finished? Why, asks Johnny, couldn’t Sgt. Burns have won the team captaincy contest?

If it’s any consolation to Johnny (and you can bet it isn’t) at least one person appreciates how hard he works, and that is Tony. Tony has an ambivalent approach to lockdown; on the one hand, social distancing means no more hard-to-get-out-of invitations from Jenny and Lilian for Sunday lunches, but on the other hand, he is suffering from a lack of barbering and is sporting long hair and a beard. This begs the question why has he stopped shaving? People are beginning to notice and Pat called him “a yeti”, while Henry refers to him as “granddad Hagrid.” Either the beard or the hair has to go, Tony decides, and he chooses the former, sending Pat a photo of his newly-shaven face. This does not satisfy her and she messages back “I mean it Samson - get ready for a trim.”

Good old Tony can be relied upon to cock things up and he decides to give himself a DIY haircut, with predictable results. Fortunately, Tom manages to rescue him, but the only way to do it was to shave his hair off. “From Hagrid to Voldemort” was how Johnny describes the result. However, this gives Johnny an idea of how he might handle his own problem of a receding hairline - if he shaves his head he will never have to cover up again. This is a big decision for Johnny and he debates long and hard with himself, but Tuesday’s episode ends with the buzz of an electric razor.

Someone who is definitely not enjoying lockdown is Natasha, who, instead of getting out and getting on with her Summer Orchard business, is stuck in the office, processing paperwork and getting increasingly frustrated. To cap it all, a warning light shows her that the refrigeration unit is on the blink and the engineer cannot get there until tomorrow. Natasha is really down, and Tom’s not much use, as he’s working so hard. “It feels like everything is slipping through my fingers” Natasha moans, as yet another call to Tom goes to voicemail - all she needs is a hug. There is an added complication - a call to her mother reveals that her father is acting strangely; he is clearing out room after room and Natasha fears that his old Bipolar behaviour is returning. She is worried - if only they didn’t live so far away.

Throughout all these odd happenings, Tom moves, wondering whether he is the only sane person left in Ambridge, what with Natasha not telling him what it is that’s bothering her, Helen refusing to go on Susan’s radio show and Tony skulking around like a pariah. The reason for this last is that Joy compared Tony to Yul Brynner and, consequently, Pat told him to keep his hat on whenever they are outside. On this subject, I admit that I felt old when Tom made a mental note to look up the name Yul Brynner - has he never seen The Magnificent Seven or the movie version of Westworld? In the end I consoled myself with the thought that perhaps Tom is just no good at General Knowledge.

Whatever, Tom is pleased, as Will has agreed to help with deliveries. He has also learned that Natasha has had a heart-to-heart with Helen and, as a consequence, both women feel a whole lot better about themselves. Natasha says that Helen is the strongest person she has ever met, while Helen realises that she has so many people on her side, supporting her. Natasha’s mood is buoyed by the fact that the fridge engineer turned up and the fault was only a minor one, like a faulty bulb or similar.

Tom is on his way home, bearing a wheel of cheese and a bottle of wine from Helen as a ‘thank you’ (be grateful, Tom; you could have been given 500 litres of nearly-fresh Montbeliard milk.) While many of us would argue that Tom isn’t always the quickest on the uptake, something must have worked its way into his consciousness, as he realises that Natasha and Helen have been speaking to each other. Even more surprising, he deduces that Natasha must be feeling a long way from home and he sends her a text, saying that he will be back by 6pm and that he will be bearing cheese and wine. Furthermore, he suggests that he and Natasha should message, or Skype, or whatever, her parents after supper. Natasha realises that the best way to support her father is to show him that she’s doing fine, and she goes to have a shower and put her face on.

Helen drew great encouragement from her talk with Natasha, and she was further boosted by a meeting with Lee. This was not a meeting as such, as they were on opposite banks of the Am and waved to each other. Lee left a couple of presents for the boys in the middle of a bridge and Helen was full of how nice it was to see him in the flesh. Later on she says that being apart from Lee has clarified how she feels about him and she is looking forward to their being together again more often when this is all over, as she has come to realise that twice a week is just not enough. Wash your minds out with soap and water; she was referring to the fact that this is how often they communicate online.

Before this happened, Helen’s new-found confidence led her to contact Susan and arrange an interview (this will be done remotely, with Helen staying at Bridge Farm). It was a great success and, speaking afterwards, Tony is relieved. Past events, he thinks, have eroded a lot of Helen’s trust in people and he credits Lee with a big part in helping to restore this.

Helen, Tony goes on, was very relaxed and confident, which is more than can be said for him as, at the end of the interview, he came into the kitchen to congratulate Helen, not realising at first that he was live on air. Susan waylaid him by referring to his haircut (she had been told about it by Joy). Thinking quickly (for him, at least), Tony told Joy that he was doing it for charity and, when taxed with this by Susan about who it was for, he said the Borsetshire General Burns Unit, as a tribute to their care for Lynda. Apparently, people are shaving their heads left, right and centre (I thought the idea is that you sponsor the person, not necessarily having to join in?) Money is rolling in and Tony is delighted. “I said I was a trendsetter” he says, smugly. I suspect that Pat might have another word for it.

All in all, it was a very positive week for a lot of people - Tony made a lot of people laugh; Johnny seems to have overcome his Trichopathophobia (or Peladophobia, or Phalacrophobia - they all came up on Google); Tom said that the last few days have taught him that there’s more to life than how the business is doing and that the call to Natasha’s parents did them all good. 

Finally, after much soul-searching, Helen enjoyed doing the interview and, because of it, she received an offer of milk bottles, so Bridge Farm milk can go on sale again, plus she got some orders for Borsetshire Blue. More important, she regained her confidence and the week ends on a positive note as she says to herself: “These small steps forward are leading to somewhere - somewhere new and better.” Let’s just hope that the writers don’t do the dirty on us and that Lee, being a front-line, key NHS worker, keeps well and returns home safely.