OK, let’s get it over with – it’s time for the Fete planning to begin in earnest. And this year it’s personal, to coin a phrase – Lynda reveals to Joy that Darrington have chosen to hold their fete on the same date as Ambridge and, even worse, the head of their fete committee is Evangeline - Lynda’s nemesis from the Mystery Plays fiasco – and, as Lynda tells Joy at a private committee pre-meeting, meeting (so that they can sort things out “before the trouble-makers get here” - Lynda’s phrase), Evangeline’s “sole purpose in life is to upstage me.” I wonder who bagsied the date first, but we’ll gloss over that.
Joy has had the idea of cowpat roulette, and Lynda sounds a little uncertain, but Tony has already agreed to provide both a cow and a field and Joy assures Lynda that “the kiddies will love it.” Having established the intellectual and cultural level of the fete, their thoughts turn to how can they wipe the floor with Darrington? Lynda’s suggestion is that they get a celebrity to open it and be a celebrity judge of the scarecrow competition – well, I suppose it is on a slightly higher intellectual plane than the cowpat roulette. The other members of the committee think that this is a boffo wheeze, but Lynda is dismayed when she gets a message from Jim, saying that he has already lined up a celebrity and she is keen to do it.
I may have poured scorn on the cowpat roulette idea earlier, but if it’s culture and learning that you are looking for, then Jim’s choice of celebrity will have you whooping with glee - yes, he has persuaded some woman academic (“a world-renowned Romance philologist” Jim tells Lynda, proudly) to take on the task. “Don’t they collect stamps?” asks Joy, which again speaks volumes about the intellectual level of the fete. Lynda is distraught and says that she realises that she will have to find a celebrity quickly.
On Thursday, Lynda meets Lilian while they are out walking their dogs and Lynda unburdens herself to her friend – Lynda has contacted all the celebrities she knows and they have all turned her down flat, and there are only two weeks to go. Lilian asks why don’t they try to get the film star who will be opening a new ward (or something similar} at Borsetshire General a bit later on? Lynda seizes on this lifeline and quickly devises a plan to ensnare the celebrity. Lilian soon realises that she has been drafted in as an active participant in this drama and she is far from happy about it. Lynda, however, is implacable and rides roughshod over Lilian’s protests and arguments. It is, Lynda reminds her friend, all for the good of the fete and they have to succeed in order to upstage Darrington.
The plan couldn’t be simpler; the two women will make their way (separately) to the front of the crowd when the celebrity arrives and then Lilian will stage a dramatic fainting fit (and Lynda insists that it has to be a flat-out-on-the-pavement calibre of performance) Lynda will then step forward, administer “some sort of medical procedure” and receive the plaudits of the crowd as Lilian is miraculously revived. Once again, Lilian voices her misgivings, but, again, her objections are brushed aside.
The best-laid plans and all that; we learn later that the scheme was an unmitigated disaster – Lilian fainted spectacularly, but Lynda hadn’t taken into account the fact that Borsetshire General is a hospital and, before Lynda could reach Lilian, the latter was surrounded by swarms of doctors and assorted medics. (Incidentally, what is the collective noun for a group of doctors? A Prescription? A Dose [or Overdose]?)
Whatever, Lilian spent two and a half hours in A&E and she is about as far away from being a happy camper as it is possible to get. Lynda bemoans the failure of her plan – it was going quite well, she thought. Suddenly, Lynda has a lightbulb moment – a chance remark of Lilian’s, about Lynda trying to use her status as an MBE to get through the crowd (presumably she thought that people would think that ‘MBE’ was some medical qualification) – makes her realise that all this talk of celebrity is superfluous; Ambridge already has its own home-grown celebrity – to wit, Lynda Snell MBE. Why didn’t she see it before? No need to look any further; Lynda Snell is on the case!
It is this mindset that inspired the title of this week’s blog. At this rate, Lynda will have herself proclaimed Queen of Ambridge and, after paying their entrance money, her subjects will have to genuflect at her feet at her fete.
While on the subject of happy campers and also touching on the earlier subject of cow dung (these blogs are not just thrown together, you know, but please bear with me) we have to report that Roy has finally met up with Leyla, his elusive telephone friend, for a meal in London. They are both nervous and, despite spending ages on phone calls, somewhat tongue-tied, but the ice is soon broken.
The waiter brings Leyla her starter, but it’s not what she ordered. Never mind, she says, as it’s quite nice, except for the blue cheese dressing, which she doesn’t like, but she’s happy enough to eat it – she doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Roy tells her that, at Grey Gables, they would rather be told if there had been a mistake, so that they can put it right.
He then proceeds to give her a masterclass in how to complain properly. First of all, you grasp the waiter by the ears and repeatedly bang his head on the table, whilst shouting ‘that’s your tip gone west, you clueless git!’ Sorry about that – I was just recalling the last time that Neil, I and our partners went out for a meal and Neil was served a pie that didn’t have a pastry bottom and only had a puff pastry lid. We’ll never be allowed in that Michelin-starred restaurant again… [A stew with a pastry lid is not a pie, and that is the hill which I’m willing to die on - Neil].
Moving on, Roy’s advice is to speak calmly to the waiter, explain the situation and give the restaurant the chance to make amends. In Leyla’s case, ‘amends’ means a couple of free desserts and she admits that she felt strangely empowered by the way she handled the situation.
The date goes well and Leyla says that she’d like to experience the countryside, and it’s her turn to travel, so why doesn’t she come to Ambridge later in the week for a day or two when her children are away? Roy is all for this, and agrees readily.
So it is that, a few days later, Leyla turns up in Ambridge. She wants to experience the whole back-to-nature thing and she has booked in at the rewilding campsite for a night, having borrowed a tent off a friend. Roy decides that a second date is a bit early for a ‘meet the family’ experience and he asks Phoebe if she could make herself scarce during the day. Neither does he tell Leyla that his daughter is the manager of the rewilding project. Bearing in mind that Leyla is a biology teacher, she seems to have only a sketchy grasp of the names of the flora and fauna of the countryside around her, although she does find it impressive.
She and Roy are getting closer, discussing ways of keeping warm in a tent at night, when they are suddenly interrupted when one of the longhorns pokes its head inside the tent, then proceeds to trample the tent into the ground, all the while showing why it should have been picked as the star of the ‘cowpat roulette’ fete attraction. The tent (which Leyla has borrowed from a friend) will never play the piano again, but Leyla is keen to exercise her new-found ability to keep calm and complain in a civilised manner, so she goes to see Phoebe in the Manager’s office.
Unfortunately for her, Roy returns, but, at the sight of him, dishevelled and covered in cow dung, Phoebe loses it completely and is overcome with hysterical laughter. Leyla finds this incredibly rude and is appalled at Phoebe’s behaviour. Even when Roy introduces Phoebe as his daughter, Leyla is not amused and says she is going back to London. Mind you, she had met Kate by this time, which couldn’t have helped.
Roy is convinced that he is never going to find love, but Kate says why bother? Why not just go out and have a good time – no strings and no commitments? Roy explores some ladies on a website, asking for Kirsty’s advice. All I can say is that these aren’t the kind of girls that you would take home to mother (unless she is very liberal and broad-minded) and it seems a bit out of character for Roy. Having said that, remember it was a one-night stand in a tent at a music festival with Elizabeth that put the skids under his relationship with Hayley (can that really be as long ago as June 2014?)
While on the subject of relationships, Ian tells Helen that he is convinced that Adam is having an affair – he recognises the signs. To check it out, he goes through Adam’s messages and finds out that Adam has arranged to meet someone called Michael at a hotel in a nearby village this lunchtime. Isn’t trust between partners a beautiful thing?
Ian leaves Xander with Helen and hotfoots it off to said hotel, where he bursts in on Adam and Michael, who are having a drink in the bar, having had a convivial and successful meeting, that culminated in Michael offering Adam the post of Farm Manager. Ian has worked himself up into a frenzy and demands to know how long all this has been going on and why is Adam lying to him all over again?
Ian is in no mood to listen to reason and he stops just short of hitting Michael and/or Adam and keeps on demanding that they tell him the truth. In the end, Adam tells him the whole story of how he ‘borrowed’ money from one of the farm accounts when they were short of money, but he’s paid it all back now. Ian eventually calms down, but by now, Michael is concerned – does Adam mean that he embezzled from Home Farm? When Adam admits that this is what happened, Michael says that, in that case, Adam won’t be surprised to learn that he (Michael) is withdrawing his offer of a job and goodbye to them both. As Michael walks out, Adam asks Ian what on earth possessed him – he’s not just lost Adam a – very good – job but also his reputation. Ian replies that anything that Adam has lost is totally down to Adam and his secretive attitude. That’s as maybe, Ian, but your appearance at the interview and ranting like an insane, cuckolded husband didn’t help much, did it?
Don’t worry readers – Ian and Adam end up declaring their love for each other (and Xander, of course) and resolve to trust each other more and behave better. Well, Adam will certainly have the time to work on the relationship; after all, he hasn’t got a job to go to now…
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