Two weeks into babysitting Alice and Amy Franks has had enough. Alice is going back home but things are still far from happy there as Jennifer and Peggy still haven’t resolved their differences. However Jennifer’s in a more positive (if naive) mood when she’s says that whatever Alice does now, she’ll just let it wash over her.
Seasoned listeners (and/or readers of our humble blog) will recognise that as a cue to gird our collective loins as there’s going to be something less like a gentle wash and more like a tsunami, and sure enough we see the sea receding from the shore as Alice and Ruairi are talking. Tetchy to say the least, Alice is irritated by Ruairi’s gentle questions and reassurances when all he is trying to do is understand her situation so he can help.
Alice nips out for a quick sniff of Jolene’s apron and returns with a handbag full of ‘lunch’ but Jennifer can see, and probably smell, the vodka. Then the tsunami hits and within moments leaves a trail of devastation. ‘Hateful’ is how Jennifer describes Alice’s systematic destruction of the family - Brian’s extracurricular ‘shagging’ which was apparently due to Jennifer’s nagging, and how Ruairi isn’t a proper part of the family, “the little bastard that no-one planned and no-one wanted”, a mistake, “a cuckoo in the nest”. She goes on to say that it’s been a pain to have been around “the little brat sobbing over his dead mummy” and no-one could say what they really felt about him.
Alice goes on to say that Ruairi destroyed Jennifer and that her and Kate had to rally round Jenny when Siobhan’s CD arrived (she recorded a message to him just before she died which he received on his 18th birthday). There’s an element of truth to this that Jennifer cannot deny and an upset Ruairi has to leave the room. Alice carries on spewing out her bile and only a sharp slap on the face from Jennifer stops her.
The next morning Ruairi’s up early as he’s anxious to get to school to pick up his exam results. Alice’s rant has had a profound affect on how he feels about his family, and he stayed over at Ben’s because he couldn’t face going back to Adam’s. He tells Ben that he’s sick of all of them and wants to make sure his results are enough for him to get on with his life. Of course he smashes it with 3 A stars and can go to London to study, which he can’t wait to do. In fact so keen is he to get away from Ambridge that he’s booked tickets to Ireland to see the rest of his family, is leaving tomorrow and will probably go straight to college from there. Jennifer tries to dissuade him and the conversation is calmer without Alice around, but Ruairi doesn’t change his mind. It’s time - he’s leaving.
While all this is going on, Alan is speculating about the mystery celebrity who will be opening the village fete. It is still officially a secret but Lilian can’t contain herself and tells him that Lynda has nominated herself on the basis of having an MBE. The best response Alan can manage is “I suppose we could do worse” while Lilian thinks that anyone you could buy a box of matches off in the village shop hardly counts as a celebrity. I tend to agree, although at least I would have heard of her - half the time I haven’t got a clue who these so-called celebrities are who pop up on TV with alarming regularity. And why I’m on the subject, why are the questions on ‘celebrity’ game shows always so much easier than on the regular versions? But I digress.
Lynda has troubles of her own. Audrey Fisher (who we only recently became aware of when she was voted in as interim chair of the parish council) and Hilary Noakes (long-standing opponent of anything that might bring a little joy to the residents of Ambridge) object to the scarecrow competition on the flimsy associations between scarecrows and death and horror. Their plan is to have the village fete’s license revoked by escalating the issue to the local MP. Alan gets his solicitor wife Usha on the case and she’s pretty sure that Audrey and Hilary’s plan will fail. What’s more she has a contact who faced a similar situation so will check with her just to make sure.
Finally back to Alice. She’s full of regrets and isn’t made to feel any better when she encounters her father in the kitchen. I could tell he wasn’t happy because I lost count of the times he repeated Alice’s words back to her - “don’t be hard on me!”
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