It was the week of Martha’s christening and everybody was busy, busy, busy – Jennifer was invisibly mending a tear in the christening gown, having already organised all the food and, for all I know, cleaning St. Stephen’s from crypt to bell tower. There wasn’t much left for anyone else to do, but that didn’t stop Susan finding something; as she told Jennifer, she has decided to create party bags for those attending the christening, including party favour biscuits in the shape of baby Martha’s head.
Susan says that she wanted to do something to show people how happy Martha has made her. For her part, Jenny just thinks that the biscuits look a trifle strange and suggests that perhaps they could do with a little practice. In the end the two women bond over the biscuits and Jennifer suggests that, if they work together, they can produce “something spectacular”. Let’s not get too carried away – we are only talking biscuits here, after all.
Another member of the Aldridge family who is busy is Brian, but he is busy being obnoxious, as only he can. Adam seeks him out – why didn’t Brian tell Adam that Jazzer had been offered (and had accepted) the job with the pigs at Berrow Farm? Brian retorts that it wasn’t his place to tell Adam; it was down to Jazzer. Adam, however, is sorely miffed – Jazzer has a lot of leave due to him and how is Adam supposed to line up a replacement at such short notice?
Brian’s response to this is to ask how are things going with orders from restaurants; how many have confirmed? The short answer is ‘none’ and Brian says that he doesn’t believe that demand will improve – perhaps it is time to rethink the whole aquaponics operation and instead concentrate on something more worthwhile, such as sprucing up the fishing lakes at Home Farm. A suspicious Adam asks whose decision was it to offer Jazzer the job? Brian says that it was down to Neil and Martyn Gibson – he himself declared a conflict of interests and absented himself from the decision process.
Adam is far from convinced and wonders aloud if the whole situation was arranged by Brian to force Adam to give up the aquaponics. “Now you’re just being paranoid” Brian says. Be that as it may, Adam is still unhappy and suspicious. “You’d never treat Alice like this” he says bitterly, only to be told that “Alice is more pragmatic – she’s well grounded.” Five million listeners nod wisely and mutter ‘Yes – as grounded as the newt’ to themselves.
Just to prove that it’s not just family that he can be nasty to, Brian goes to see Fallon at Jenny’s request, on a life-or-death Tupperware delivery mission. He is very annoyed that Fallon and Harrison pulled out of being Martha’s godparents; Alice got a lot of flak from Kate for not asking her sister to be godmother – if they didn’t want to do it, then why accept in the first place – it was a real slap in the face for Alice. Fallon is taken aback by this attack, and struggles to come up with an excuse and, when she does think of something, he dismisses it as “a load of flannel.” Fallon comes within an ace of telling him the Burns’ real reason for pulling out, but she bites her lip. Gracious as ever, Brian leaves, saying “All I can say is that this buffet had better be perfect – frankly, it’s the least you can damn well do.” We don’t know if Fallon tells herself ‘the customer is always right, even if he is a boorish, unpleasant rude git’ but I would certainly have loaded another £100 or so on to the bill.
Meanwhile, Alice is looking for reassurance and goes to see Vicar Alan to talk through the christening ceremony. Alice asks that God sees everything, doesn’t he? If so, he must be judging her terribly. Alan replies that God’s love is unconditional, so it doesn’t matter if Alice’s behaviour has been less than perfect. If I were an Archers scriptwriter, I would have added a couple of lines of dialogue, viz:
Alice: ‘By unconditional, do you mean he loves you, no matter what you’ve done?’
Alan: ‘Let’s put it this way; God even loves your father Brian.’
Thursday is christening day and, as we said at the start, Jennifer is repairing Martha’s gown at The Nest. Jenny hands over a bottle of champagne – a present from Martyn Gibson. Alice is horrified and tells her mother to take it away – she and Chris are cutting down, she explains. Jennifer is surprised, but agrees to her daughter’s suggestion.
At the church, the godparents are awaiting Martha’s arrival and Pip and Rex are bickering over the Hollowtree/Lower Loxley/pigs situation. Eventually, Emma has had enough and wades in to sort them out, telling them not to argue; “Pack it in both of you – you’re behaving like little kids!” Chastened, the pair both say ‘sorry’ and, when Emma leaves them alone, they both agree that Emma can be terrifying and they apologise to each other.
In fact, they do more than that and Pip says that Rosie will miss her favourite uncle when Rex leaves Hollowtree. Rex says that Pip had better not mention that he’s Rosie’s favourite uncle in front of Josh and Ben. They giggle, and are friends again. Emma has to tell them to behave themselves, as the Christening is about to start.
The parents and Martha have not yet made an appearance and we learn that, back at The Nest, Chris is suspicious about Alice’s behaviour – has she been drinking? Admit it Chris; it was the off-key singing of ‘Nellie Dean’ that gave it away, wasn’t it? Alice protests that she is perfectly sober, but Chris is having none of it and demands to look into his wife’s handbag (braver man than I, Chris). He finds a selection of miniature spirits; some of which are empty. He tells her that she’s got to sober up, or she can’t come to the church, so he plies her with coffee.
Jenny and Emma are laying out the Party Favours at St. Stephen’s and watch the proud parents arrive. Except, they aren’t proud - they appear to be arguing. Emma, who it seems has assumed the role of Ambridge Peace Keeping Force, says that she will go out and sort it. What’s going on? Chris won’t let Alice hold Martha, telling Emma that Alice nearly dropped “my daughter” – come on Chris; I’m sure Alice too had a hand in Martha’s birth – because she was drunk.
Emma says she can’t believe it, which is strange, as the reason she and her brother were at loggerheads was because Emma accused Alice of being the worse for drink. Then the light switches on and the events of recent months suddenly come into focus. Overcome with it all, Chris breaks down and gives away the whole sorry saga of Alice’s struggle with alcohol and her drunken advances towards Harrison.
Emma says how awful all this must have been for Chris, having to endure this on his own (one might observe that it wasn’t much fun for Alice, either) and Emma asks “How could you be so cruel?” She also says that none of this was Chris’ fault. Chris weighs in by telling his wife “You lie Alice; you drink, you lie and then you drink again”.
Alice begs him to stop, but Chris tells his wife that she is a danger to Martha (“No! No! No!” Alice screams) and that he cannot bear the thought of going to work, wondering what his child might be undergoing at home. By this time, all the congregation has heard what’s been going on and, presumably, are not over-surprised to learn that the Christening has been called off.
Chris tells Emma to take Martha away, back to Neil and Susan’s, and Alice pleads with him to not to take their daughter away and also not to leave her (Alice) there alone. “I don’t have any choice” Chris replies and Alice breaks down in tears, calling Martha’s name. So, there you have it – please pick up your party bags on the way out, everybody (see title).
Let’s turn now to lighter matters. Mia contacts Ruairi – she is doing a project about the environment and would like to interview local farmers – would Ruairi be up for it? He says yes, but can she come back in an hour? When she does, she finds Ben there – Ruairi explains that he thought she might like two farmers to interview.
As the interview progresses, Ben keeps interrupting with facetious comments. At the end of the interview, Mia leaves and Ben teases Ruairi - didn’t he realise what was going on? No, what? It’s obvious, says Ben; Mia has a crush on him – she couldn’t take her eyes off him. She’s only 15, Ruairi protests, to which Ben says that 15 year-olds are allowed to have crushes. Step back Ruairi – what would dad Brian do?
Bank Holiday Monday saw Russ’s Life Art Class at Lower Loxley. Joy is so keen that she is there 30 minutes early. She asks Elizabeth and Russ if she can give a speech or hand out some flyers regarding her manifesto for the Parish Council. Elizabeth declines politely, explaining that Lower Loxley cannot be seen to support one candidate over the others.
Meanwhile, Lee has belatedly realised that we are talking nudity. Even worse, Russ has sent him details of the pose he wants and this is a standing one which means that Lee cannot even preserve his modesty with a strategically-positioned scarf. The result is that Lee has pulled out, meaning that they will have to cancel the event.
Russ says that Lee has let him down, but Helen defends her lover, saying why doesn’t Russ get his kit off? Russ says that he has to conduct the class and he cannot do that if he is posing as well. Cancellation looks inevitable, but then Joy says that she’s willing to pose naked, and in return negotiates a brief pre-posing speech and a few flyers available for the sketchers. Elizabeth and Russ gratefully grab her hand off. Joy gets her kit off in a flash – so much for neutrality Elizabeth. But from various conversations after the event (including Elizabeth, Helen and Susan) Joy’s stepping up to the plate to save the day has earned her a number of votes, so well done Joy.
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