If You Really Loved Her, Vince, You’d Clear Up Your Own Pig Muck

Tony Turner (Vince Casey)

Vince Casey is spending a lot of time at Lower Loxley, and Elizabeth is by no means the only centre of attraction, as Vince appears to be developing a relationship with Rex’s pigs. He also seems to be taking Rex under his wing and has lots of ideas to improve Rex’s business, such as suggesting that he purchases industrial fridges. Vince points out to Elizabeth that he has a lot of experience in the meat business – admittedly not pork – and he likes Rex, so why shouldn’t he give the lad a leg up?

Elizabeth reminds him that having pigs at Lower Loxley is her project, so don’t get too involved and she is taken aback somewhat when Vince says that he wants Rex to be successful for Lower Loxley, as it’s his way of showing her that he loves her. Lizzie doesn’t know what to say – she enjoys being with Vince, but can they not continue the way they are, just having a fun time?

He agrees, and a potentially awkward moment passes. Elizabeth notices that, when he came into the kitchen, he trailed in some pig muck, and she tells him to clean it off his shoe, while she cleans up the kitchen – sounds almost like love to me, Lizzie, but we’ll see how it develops.

The main story last week continued to be about Alice’s battle with the bottle. Actually, ‘battle’ is probably the wrong word, as she always appears to surrender unconditionally after only a few seconds. At least she didn’t smash anybody else’s windows this week, so we should be grateful for small mercies, although local glaziers are disappointed.

There is a siblings’ meeting at the Dower House when Jennifer, Lilian and Tony get together to discuss the Alice situation. Jennifer admits that she assumed it was all due to the stress of the pregnancy and rather unorthodox birth, but she realises it goes back much further than that. She tells her siblings that the visit they had from Social Services was upsetting, as SocServ seemed to think that Martha might be in danger of being abused. Alice reassured them that she is quite happy with Martha living with Chris and his family at Ambridge View. And what about her – would she like a referral to the Borchester Drug and Alcohol Services? Alice’s answer to that is ‘no thanks’ and Jennifer is in despair, as she says that it looks like Alice doesn’t want to give up drinking and doesn’t seem to be in the least concerned about Martha. Jennifer also says that she doesn’t know where to turn next, as she has come to realise that, when Alice appears to be behaving like the ‘normal’ Alice she remembers, then that means that Alice has been drinking.

Jennifer leaves her brother and sister, who continue to debate the situation – it seems hopeless, as Alice will not agree to a detox programme. Tony suggests that perhaps a change of scene might help – does Lilian think that Alice would like to come and spend some time at Bridge Farm? On the ‘1 to 10 scale of good ideas’, this suggestion comes in somewhere around -87. Just try and imagine spending your days in the company of Tony and Pat. No – on second thoughts don’t; I’ve just tried to think about it and I’ve had to go and open a bottle of Scotch, and it’s only 5.30 pm on Saturday, so perhaps not a good idea for Alice?

From ‘most stupid suggestion’, we move to ‘most stupid question’, as Lilian asks her brother if he thinks she is an alcoholic? She confesses that she encouraged Alice to have a drink when she was pregnant (Alice refused) and goes further, admitting that she regularly drank when she was pregnant with James. All I will say is that, if Lilian isn’t an alcoholic, she’d certainly do if you needed one in a hurry; and, secondly, that answer explains a lot as far as James is concerned…

We might as well deal with the third sibling; Jennifer. Brian is at home with Ruairi, letting his son watch him change the tractor oil, or something equally spectacular. Ruairi outlines his plan to help deal with the Alice problem – why not let her move into Willow Cottage with Jen and Brian and he can move into Alice’s place, or he can go to live with a couple of college mates? Suddenly, we hear the clinking of numerous glass bottles. ‘Hello, Alice is home’ I thought, but I was mistaken.

In fact, it was Jennifer. What is she doing? Brian asks – are they his bottles of Rioja? No – they were his bottles of (expensive) Rioja, which she has just emptied down the drain. With commendable restraint, Brian asks for an explanation. Seized by an almost Messianic zeal, Jenny explains that the family is the root cause of Alice’s problem – consider; they have wine with every meal (have you ever had Weetabix with Rioja – other wines and cereals are available?). Call me Mr. Picky, but wouldn’t have been easier and more beneficial (and certainly cheaper) to put a special lock on the wine cellar (or wine cupboard, as the Aldridges have had to downsize) door, thereby keeping valuable wine stocks intact; keeping Alice out, and stopping the Aldridges being prosecuted (again) for polluting the Am, when the Rioja tsunami meets the local watercourse. 

Jennifer told her siblings earlier that “local gossips are having a field day”. Too right they are! Clarrie gives Helen a list of Alice’s sins – remember how drunk she was at Nic’s funeral? Not to mention how she upset Ed and Emma when she imagined a romance between him and Alice.

Suffice it to say that neither Brian nor Jenny are keen on letting Ruairi move in with his college mates – he might start enjoying himself, Heaven forfend! Brian has a suggestion, and we learn later that his idea is for Ruairi to move in with Adam and Ian – Ian is quite phlegmatic about it, but Adam calls it “a bombshell.”

Before we leave the Alice story, Neil is visiting Shula at the Stables – apparently Banjo’s teeth need filing (I hope to God that Banjo is a horse) – and the pair get talking. Neil admits that Susan is getting run down and that she found the visit from Yvette (social worker) very intrusive. Yvette was, says Neil, very professional and she said that she had no concerns about Martha living at Ambridge View. However, Neil could see the shame in Chris’s eyes throughout the visit.

Personally, Neil doesn’t blame Alice 100%, but it’s different for Susan – she was terrified when the shop window shattered. In answer to Shula’s question, Neil admits that he doesn’t know if Alice and his son will get back together, but part of him thinks that a baby needs her mother, and what would happen if Alice decided that she wanted Martha back? “That would be a hard road for all of us,” Neil says, “Courts, lawyers etc and bad blood between everyone; that’s what I’m afraid of, Shula.”

Quite often, Neil adds, Chris is so knackered with trying to catch up with work, that he sleeps through the night and Susan has to do the night feeds. That makes Chris feel guilty in the morning, but he won’t open up to anybody, and that upsets Susan even more. Neil and Susan are finding it difficult to talk about the situation and he’s not convinced that there is a right way for any of them to turn at the moment. A sympathetic Shula advises him to stop for a bit – he’s got to look after himself “And it’s hard when you’ve got to be strong for everybody else” she adds.

Let us turn now to Lee and Helen, who (along with Henry and Jack) are moving into Beechwood; Kirsty’s old house. Remember Beechwood? It was Kirsty and Phil’s dream house and Philip had made a number of improvements and additions, as well as decorating it beautifully from top to bottom. How times change! Helen tells Lee to take the boys shopping so that they choose what colours they would like in their rooms. He also resolves to buy an electric drill so that he can fix up a set of shelves and the odd cupboard or two – how hard can it be? Helen is spending a night or two at Bridge Farm, as she has an early start making the latest batch of cheese, so Lee reckons that he can knock the decorating off in a day or so. Philip would turn in his grave – or at least, his cell, if he knew.

Lee soon finds out that things aren’t always as easy as they seem and, when Adam goes round to deliver some furniture that Jennifer is letting them have, a scene of carnage meets his eyes. From being Kirsty’s dream home, Lee has – in only one day – transformed it into what looks like a candidate for ‘Homes under the hammer’ – and I’m talking about the part of the programme before they renovate the property.

Shelves are positioned at interesting angles, plasterboard has holes in it and the colour scheme is funereal, bordering on depressive. Ian, who goes round later to see it, at Adam’s prompting, describes it as “Dracula’s man cave”, but he suggests that the three of them can redecorate it before Helen and the boys return. Adam is not so sanguine – “Are you out of your mind, Ian?” he asks his husband.

Nevertheless, they set to – shelves are taken down and put up again, only this time they are horizontal; holes are filled in, cupboards fixed to the wall properly and the rooms given a complete paint job, but this time not in suicide-inducing colours. All is going swimmingly, then, when inspecting Jack’s room, Ian looks up at the ceiling and emits a gasp of horror. “What on earth possessed you?” Adam asks. “You don’t like it?” Lee replies. “It’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen!” Adam replies. So, we’ll mark that down as a ‘no’ then shall we Adam?

I won’t keep you in suspense – ‘it’ is a stencil of a giant spider, but Lee won’t let Ian paint over it, saying that he wants Jack to decide if he wants to keep it. As it turns out, Jack loves it, saying that it’s a friendly spider and it will look after him. Helen is amazed at the redecoration and praises Lee. “I had some help” he says, modestly. Yeah – like the UK had ‘some help’ from the Americans in WWII.

Later, Helen and Lee are in the garden and she tells him how happy the boys are, and how happy she is. The boys’ happiness, she tells him is that Lee is there to look after them (along with the spider). The pair kiss and Helen says “I think we’re going to be all right here, don’t you?” Normally, such a pronouncement would have us shaking our heads in foreboding as we await the oncoming catastrophe, but I really hope Lee and Helen make a go of it. However, I wonder if a snake has entered this Eden, as Lee has messaged Helen that an old mate of his has decided to get rid of his drum kit and has offered it to Lee (who used to play drums) - how does she feel? Helen tells Ian this and he voices doubts, but she says “I love him, Ian – he’s a wonderful man, and if he wants to play drums, that’s fine by me.” Hmm. I cannot help wondering whether her attitude might change when Jack and Henry start doing Ginger Baker impressions (look him up if you’re too young to remember) at six o’clock on a Sunday morning. 

Alice Has A Smashing Time At The Shop!

Hollie Chapman (Alice Carter)

People are still walking on eggshells around Alice. In conversation with her mother, Emma says that she looks exhausted. No wonder! Susan says that Alice came to see them yesterday and she got very upset because Martha wouldn’t stop crying, but at least Alice appears to be trying (very trying, if you ask me).

At Berrow Farm the next day, Brian and Neil are talking. Brian lets it be known that he was less than impressed when Emma rocked up on his doorstep and began bad-mouthing Alice. Neil knew nothing of this, but it hasn’t changed his point of view – he won’t leave Martha alone with Jennifer and Alice. Brian, who seems to have a blind spot when it comes to his youngest daughter, describes Alice as “very resilient” (sounds better than ‘a total lush’ I suppose). The two men wonder how this situation has got to this point, and Neil tells his boss that the Carters have always looked on Alice as their own daughter, but Martha is their priority now.

Be that as it may, neither Susan nor Neil are getting any younger and the strain of looking after a new-born baby is taking its toll, with Susan doing most of the night feeds. So it is that Shula confronts (in a nice way) Susan in the shop; Peggy (and Jill, and many others) have received letters saying that their newspaper bills have not been paid, and intimating that their goolies will be put in the mangle if they don’t settle up pronto. The problem is that all these people have all paid up to date and the letters have been sent out as an oversight. 

Susan is distraught and asks Shula to apologise to those members of her family who have been unfairly smeared – she must have pressed the wrong button. It’s difficult to get Martha into a routine, explains Susan. Shula asks if perhaps Susan should take a break from the shop, but Susan replies that she just needs to concentrate a bit harder.

Meanwhile, Neil has returned to Ambridge View to relieve Emma from Martha Watch duties. Emma goes off on one about Brian Aldridge and Neil reminds her that Brian is his boss, and Emma’s attitude and actions haven’t really helped very much. In fact, he tells her to stop – she’s only making things worse and, before she opens her mouth in the future, she should ask herself if what she says is really going to help improve the situation? They need to be constructive. Emma replies that it won’t be easy to disguise her feelings about Alice – or Kate, come to that. Neil thanks his daughter for her help in looking after Martha today and says that he knows it won’t be easy – in fact, it’s breaking his heart.

We shouldn’t assume that Alice is not seeing her daughter while all this is going on. In fact, on Tuesday, we see Alice and Chris at Ambridge View with Martha. Alice keeps remarking about things that their daughter is doing for the first time, only to be told by Chris that she has been doing them for a couple of weeks. Chris won’t leave Alice alone with Martha, despite the fact that Alice insists that she has changed. “What? Since the christening?” asks a sceptical Chris.

Alice starts to get bolshie and says that she cannot stand the way Chris is watching her like a hawk all the time. She suggests that she is not entirely to blame for the current situation, as both she and Chris were fond of nights out, fuelled by plenty of drink – it was only her that got ill (nice euphemism there, Alice). “But you are still ill” replies Chris, and an argument ensues, with Alice claiming that he wants her to fail; “Now you’ve got Martha, you don’t need me any more” she says. Chris’s response to this is to ask his wife if she is mad; has she had a drink today? He tells her to go – now. Alice says that her time with Martha isn’t up yet, to which a snarling Chris replies that she can see her daughter only when he says she can, and please go.

This episode has been witnessed by Jennifer (who can spy on Ambridge View from Willow Cottage) and who is relaying what’s going on to Peggy, who is on the phone. I tell you, GCHQ has got nothing compared to the Ambridge gossip network. Jennifer isn’t really listening, and keeps going on about, had the family known the extent of the problem, then they might have nipped it in the bud. Peggy, who points out that she has had some experience of alcoholism with her first husband, says that this would have been unlikely. She then tries to tell Jennifer that she already knew that Alice was an alcoholic, but Jennifer has spotted Alice leaving Ambridge View in floods of tears and says that she has to hang up.

While all this is going on, Susan turns up late for work and apologises to Helen. Helen is disturbed, as she notices that Susan is shaking and has obviously been crying – is she fit to drive? Susan says yes, but Helen isn’t having any of it and says that she will drive Susan home and she insists that Susan takes time off with compassionate leave. In a small voice, Susan asks if she ought to resign – she knows she has not been doing a good job recently. Helen rejects the thought out of hand and tells Susan to take some time out and focus on her family – they are what’s important. This leaves Helen with a staffing problem, as she tells Kirsty later. Kirsty says get someone else in, but Helen replies that there are no guaranteed hours or any length of contract, so who would be mad enough to take a job like that?

The answer is staring Helen in the face, says Kirsty – she will do it. She’s twiddling her thumbs at Grey Gables at the moment and she is sure that Clarrie can explain what needs to be done. Kirsty might have thought ‘and if Clarrie and Susan can do the job, how hard can it be?’ but she never voiced the thought. Helen is worried that she is taking advantage of her friend, but Kirsty says that she wants paying. “In that case, when can you start?” Helen asks.

‘But what happened to Alice – where did she go?’ I hear you scream. The short answer is ‘to the shop’, where Jim is serving behind the counter. Alice, who has obviously had a sniff of the barmaid’s apron – well, several sniffs, actually – is trying to persuade Jim to sell her a bottle of vodka. And if he doesn’t, then she will get in her car and drive to somewhere where they will sell her a bottle. Jim asks whether she would take a risk like that with her safety, and that of other road users, and the answer is ‘yes’. In that case, Jim has to decide whether it’s better for her to have the bottle, rather than risk an accident.

In the end, he thinks the former course of action is the preferred option, so it is a tad unfortunate that Susan enters the shop just as he is handing the booze over. “Jim – Alice. What do you think you’re doing!” Susan says, aghast. A three-way argument breaks out, with Jim trying to justify his action, Alice screaming to be given the bottle and Susan telling Jim to shut up and mind his own business. “Can’t you see what this is doing to you?” Susan asks Alice, only to be called “an interfering hypocrite” in response. Susan loses patience and tells Alice to get out of the shop – she will not serve her alcohol. As Alice storms out, Jim tells Susan that she handled the situation very well, but he is interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.

Let’s pause here for a moment – we are told, next day, that Alice threw a brick through the shop window, and then went back into the shop to see if Jim and Susan were OK. Personally, I reckon she went back to see if she could liberate the Voddie bottle, but that’s just me. What we do know is that somebody called the Police, but what I want to know is where did Alice get the brick from? I mean, you don’t see bricks laying around the place, do you? I cannot believe that Alice carries bricks around for just such an eventuality. 

Leaving that aside, the following morning Alice has been told to report to the Police Station at 8.50. Brian and Jennifer have gone with her and Brian is getting arsey about the length of time that his daughter has been detained – should he go in and stir them up? he asks Jennifer.

Jenny was obviously ahead of Brian in the queue when Common Sense was being handed out, as she suggests that it might be counterproductive to antagonise the police in the execution of their duties. Fortunately, Alice reappears and says that they can go home. She offered to pay for the window (offered Brian to pay, more like). There is just a slight complication, in that, should Jim or Susan want to press charges, things will be taken further.

Alice goes round to see Jim to apologise, but Jazzer sends her away with a flea in her ear, telling her that “Martha needs a decent Ma – and you’re not it.” When Jim learns of this, he gently chides Jazzer, saying that he should be more understanding and sympathetic. Jazzer puts this attitude down to delayed shock and keeps trying to get Jim to drink hot, sweet tea.

Brian goes to see Neil and offers to pay for the new glass and any clean-up costs (told you so!). He takes the opportunity to suggest that, as neither Susan nor Jim were not seriously hurt, perhaps they won’t be pressing charges? After all, if that were to happen, it could seriously knock back any progress that Alice has made. Neil puts on his stern voice and says “Brian, we all want Alice to get over this, but you have to draw the line somewhere.” He adds that the decision is Susan’s, but he will back her, whatever she decides.

It turns out that Neil goes to see Jenny and Alice, to tell them that Susan said that, while it was a nasty experience, she feels that punishment won’t help in this case. The shop committee would like to accept Brian’s offer to pay for the clear-up. Just then, the phone rings and Jenny goes to answer it. Alice says that she feels that she deserves to be punished and Neil wonders out loud “Where has she gone – that beautiful girl we all loved so much?” He adds that, if they all work together, maybe they can get her back, and then takes his leave.

If the Aldridges think that this draws a line under the situation, then it appears that they are sadly mistaken, as a shocked and worried Jennifer returns from answering the phone and gives her daughter the somewhat upsetting news that it was Social Services on the other end. And so another week’s episodes end.

Brian Does His Ostrich Impression

Charles Collingwood (Brian Aldridge)

It’s the day of Martha’s christening – or rather, her non-christening – and Chris has taken her back to Ambridge View, where he and his daughter will be staying for a few days. He has picked up some stuff from home and Dad Neil is wondering where he can store it. Chris is exhausted, but he is relieved that the story of Alice’s alcoholism is finally out in the open. Leaving Alice and taking Martha away was the only solution, he tells his parents.

Meanwhile, Brian is not one to pass up any opportunity and we find him steadily ploughing his way through the christening buffet, telling Jennifer that Fallon has really come up trumps – the spread is delicious and is she sure she doesn’t want something to eat? Jennifer is too distraught to think about food, or anything else for that matter, and wonders out loud if she ought to call Susan. Brian advises against it, saying that Chris and Alice obviously need time and space to sort themselves out. Jenny says that she has never seen Chris so angry and keeps banging on about ringing Susan.

Exasperated (presumably because he still has all the buffet to demolish), Brian says “For goodness’ sake; give the girl some space” and to take Jenny’s mind off things, he suggests a walk. He chivvies her along, but Jenny is mortified, because the news that Alice is an alcoholic is all round the village. Brian won’t hear of it – who is saying such things? “Emma Grundy, for one” says Jenny, but Brian pooh-poohs this, saying that, yes, Alice occasionally has one too many, but the christening is a celebration, after all – even he had a whisky on the morning of the christening. “You might as well say that I’m an alcoholic” he tells his wife.

Jennifer is not convinced and wonders if their daughter has been struggling more than they thought. Rubbish, Brian says – he has been working in the farm office with Alice for months and he’s never noticed anything wrong. In fact, one thing he does know is that Alice gets stronger when she is under pressure. He recalls that, when Alice and Chris got married in Las Vegas, Brian and Jennifer didn’t think it would ever last. “We doubted her once, so why doubt her now?” Jennifer agrees, adding “We must have faith in our girl.”

On the subject of drinking in the office, we know that Alice used to help herself liberally to her father’s alcohol stash, so how come he never noticed the rapidly-dwindling level of whisky in the bottle he keeps in the drawer? Did he think that the evaporation level was uncommonly high, or what? Whatever, it doesn’t say much for his powers of observation.

At Ambridge View, Chris is debating whether he should give up work? His parents try to dissuade him, although Neil is worried that Susan is taking on too much in the way of giving feeds, etc. and will wear herself out. Despite what Brian said to her, Jennifer goes round to see Susan and she is keen to help – should she take her granddaughter out for a walk? Chris is quite curt and says no – they’ve only just got her to go to sleep. It soon becomes clear that Jennifer does not have a clue as to the depth of her daughter’s addiction. Chris asks her bluntly exactly what has Alice told her is going on?

Jennifer replies that Alice said that she just needs a few days to recharge her batteries, then she and Chris can get back on track. Chris says that that is not going to happen and if Jennifer goes to see Alice, she will just be fed another pack of lies. What lies? Jennifer asks, totally mystified. Chris spells it out that his wife is an alcoholic and, when Jenny protests that no, no – she hardly drinks anything, Chris says that that is what she wants you to think. 

Personally, I think Chris did well not to beat Jenny’s head against the wall – especially when she says that Alice is Martha’s mother and the Carters have no right to try and break that bond. Chris replies that Alice does not want to see her daughter and, when Jenny protests, he goes on inexorably, saying that Alice has got exactly what she wanted – to be left alone to drink in peace. Go and see her if you have any doubts.

Jennifer is round there like a shot, hammering on the door. Alice eventually answers and her mother asks her if she’s drunk? Alice says “no”, but there are empty bottles strewn around and it is obvious that she has been sleeping on the couch. Asked about the rumours circulating in the village, Alice replies that Chris is blowing things out of proportion. Eventually, though, Alice has had enough and, when Jennifer tells her that she has to fight for Martha – fight Chris and Susan and Neil – Alice replies that Chris was the one who wanted children; she never did.

And now, Alice says (not very kindly) she really needs Jennifer to leave – now – so that she (Alice) can do what she is supposed to be doing, which is to get some rest. Jennifer is appalled at what she has heard and breaks down in tears, begging her daughter “Alice – please don’t do this!” Perhaps Alice should have continued telling lies as, when she is convinced of the truth, Jenny promptly moves in with her daughter to look after her. This makes Alice unhappy and Jenny press gangs Kate to look after Brian, which makes the two of them very unhappy, so, all in all, the entire family is miserable; and serve them right.

Actually, that’s not strictly true, as Ruairi is unaffected. It shows what Jenny thinks of the men in her life that she never told Kate to look after Ruairi, as she knows that he can take care of himself. Ruairi asks his stepmother if he should talk to Alice and he goes to see her. They talk about Martha and Alice’s feelings towards her – Alice says that Martha will be better off without her in her life, but her outlook is altered when Ruairi reminds her that he never really knew Siobhan (his mother) and tells her what it is like to grow up without a mother.

Their talk obviously has a positive effect as, after Ruairi has left, Alice tells Jennifer that she phoned her alcohol-dependence buddy Lisa and now she feels that she really needs to see Martha, if Chris is agreeable. She admits that she is an alcoholic, but she is determined to get sober again. Jennifer is overjoyed and tells her daughter that she has the whole family backing her and “many people recover from alcoholism and I’ll make sure that you are one of them.”

Before we leave the Aldridges, we should mention the confrontation between Brian and Emma Grundy. Emma has been slowly working herself up in a fury and tells Fallon that it’s no good – she is going to see Alice and let her know just how much harm she has done to everybody and how she is breaking Chris’s heart. 

Absolutely blazing mad, she bangs on Brian’s door and demands to see Alice. Brian says she’s not there and Emma goes off on one, slagging off Alice and telling Brian all the things his daughter has done – apart from the alcoholism, there were the incidents with Ed Grundy and Sgt. Burns. “Alice is a manipulative, destructive little cow!” Emma screams. “How dare you talk about my daughter like that?” Brian protests, but Emma is in full flow, saying that Alice would rather be drunk than to be with her husband and baby. “Absolute nonsense!” he blusters and then, when she tells him she didn’t realise that he was so gullible and he should open his eyes. “Get out of my sight!” he roars, to which she replies not to worry – she’s going. “I’ve never met a more stuck-up bunch of emotionally vacant losers in my life!” is her parting shot.

Kate, who is there visiting her father, slams the door on Emma, and there are signs that Brian’s confidence might be starting to waver, when he asks Kate if she thinks there might be some truth in what Emma was saying? Kate pours scorn on the very idea, saying that Emma “is like the mad dog that barks at everybody.” Brian takes heart from what his daughter has said and his self-confidence is soon restored to its usual Olympian levels.

We have spent a lot of time on the Aldridge/Carter situation, but other things have been happening in and around Ambridge. Elizabeth visited Joy in order to return the latter’s knickers, left behind at Lower Loxley after Joy posed for the life-drawing class, apparently without her realising why things felt a bit draughty on the journey home. The two women have a conversation about mental welfare and Joy was staggered to learn of Elizabeth’s earlier depression, while Lizzie sympathised with Joy’s stories of combating loneliness, to the extent that she agrees to stay for a cuppa, having originally turned the offer down. Oh yes, Lizzie also gave Joy a voucher for a drink and meal in the Orangery, as a ‘thank you’ for getting (and leaving) her kit off and saving the art class day.

Continuing the friendly theme, Josh and Rex meet at Hollowtree; Rex is leaving and Josh is planning the preparation for moving in his egg business. Josh gets a message – a big customer didn’t get Josh’s message that the egg delivery would be delayed and he needs the delivery this afternoon. Josh has to relieve Pip on the farm, so what can he do? Rex suggests that he could deliver them by taxi, but of course he would have to charge business rate fares (there and back). Also, there would be various other add-ons until Josh cottons on and asks if he has to pay a gullibility tax? Rex says no and the two men laugh. Rex eventually says that he will deliver the eggs as a favour and the two agree to meet for a beer in the near future. (Incidentally, are you aware that the word ‘gullible’ doesn’t appear in the dictionary?)

Rex moves his pigs into the woodland at Lower Loxley, and he is joined by Vince Casey as a spectator. The pair talk and get on very well, to the extent that Vince asks what can he do to help? Rex is grateful and they discuss the advantages of having ‘home-grown’ pork on the Orangery menu. As Vince puts it “800 yards from field to table is worth a few more £s per kilo.” Apparently this is important to customers, and Rex is intrigued – so much so that he invites Vince to join him and Elizabeth (and hopefully, one would think, the chef at Lower Loxley) in a tasting evening. It would appear that Vince isn’t the nasty piece of work that we thought, which means that he’ll probably turn out to be a modern-day Sweeney Todd – after all, most of us thought that Rob Titchener was an all-round nice guy when we first met him. I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

Nearly New Party Favours – Please Take One

Angela Piper (Jennifer Aldridge)

It was the week of Martha’s christening and everybody was busy, busy, busy – Jennifer was invisibly mending a tear in the christening gown, having already organised all the food and, for all I know, cleaning St. Stephen’s from crypt to bell tower. There wasn’t much left for anyone else to do, but that didn’t stop Susan finding something; as she told Jennifer, she has decided to create party bags for those attending the christening, including party favour biscuits in the shape of baby Martha’s head.

Susan says that she wanted to do something to show people how happy Martha has made her. For her part, Jenny just thinks that the biscuits look a trifle strange and suggests that perhaps they could do with a little practice. In the end the two women bond over the biscuits and Jennifer suggests that, if they work together, they can produce “something spectacular”. Let’s not get too carried away – we are only talking biscuits here, after all. 

Another member of the Aldridge family who is busy is Brian, but he is busy being obnoxious, as only he can. Adam seeks him out – why didn’t Brian tell Adam that Jazzer had been offered (and had accepted) the job with the pigs at Berrow Farm? Brian retorts that it wasn’t his place to tell Adam; it was down to Jazzer. Adam, however, is sorely miffed – Jazzer has a lot of leave due to him and how is Adam supposed to line up a replacement at such short notice?

Brian’s response to this is to ask how are things going with orders from restaurants; how many have confirmed? The short answer is ‘none’ and Brian says that he doesn’t believe that demand will improve – perhaps it is time to rethink the whole aquaponics operation and instead concentrate on something more worthwhile, such as sprucing up the fishing lakes at Home Farm. A suspicious Adam asks whose decision was it to offer Jazzer the job? Brian says that it was down to Neil and Martyn Gibson – he himself declared a conflict of interests and absented himself from the decision process.

Adam is far from convinced and wonders aloud if the whole situation was arranged by Brian to force Adam to give up the aquaponics. “Now you’re just being paranoid” Brian says. Be that as it may, Adam is still unhappy and suspicious. “You’d never treat Alice like this” he says bitterly, only to be told that “Alice is more pragmatic – she’s well grounded.” Five million listeners nod wisely and mutter ‘Yes – as grounded as the newt’ to themselves.

Just to prove that it’s not just family that he can be nasty to, Brian goes to see Fallon at Jenny’s request, on a life-or-death Tupperware delivery mission. He is very annoyed that Fallon and Harrison pulled out of being Martha’s godparents; Alice got a lot of flak from Kate for not asking her sister to be godmother – if they didn’t want to do it, then why accept in the first place – it was a real slap in the face for Alice. Fallon is taken aback by this attack, and struggles to come up with an excuse and, when she does think of something, he dismisses it as “a load of flannel.” Fallon comes within an ace of telling him the Burns’ real reason for pulling out, but she bites her lip. Gracious as ever, Brian leaves, saying “All I can say is that this buffet had better be perfect – frankly, it’s the least you can damn well do.” We don’t know if Fallon tells herself ‘the customer is always right, even if he is a boorish, unpleasant rude git’ but I would certainly have loaded another £100 or so on to the bill.

Meanwhile, Alice is looking for reassurance and goes to see Vicar Alan to talk through the christening ceremony. Alice asks that God sees everything, doesn’t he? If so, he must be judging her terribly. Alan replies that God’s love is unconditional, so it doesn’t matter if Alice’s behaviour has been less than perfect. If I were an Archers scriptwriter, I would have added a couple of lines of dialogue, viz:

Alice: ‘By unconditional, do you mean he loves you, no matter what you’ve done?’

Alan: ‘Let’s put it this way; God even loves your father Brian.’

Thursday is christening day and, as we said at the start, Jennifer is repairing Martha’s gown at The Nest. Jenny hands over a bottle of champagne – a present from Martyn Gibson. Alice is horrified and tells her mother to take it away – she and Chris are cutting down, she explains. Jennifer is surprised, but agrees to her daughter’s suggestion.

At the church, the godparents are awaiting Martha’s arrival and Pip and Rex are bickering over the Hollowtree/Lower Loxley/pigs situation. Eventually, Emma has had enough and wades in to sort them out, telling them not to argue; “Pack it in both of you – you’re behaving like little kids!” Chastened, the pair both say ‘sorry’ and, when Emma leaves them alone, they both agree that Emma can be terrifying and they apologise to each other. 

In fact, they do more than that and Pip says that Rosie will miss her favourite uncle when Rex leaves Hollowtree. Rex says that Pip had better not mention that he’s Rosie’s favourite uncle in front of Josh and Ben. They giggle, and are friends again. Emma has to tell them to behave themselves, as the Christening is about to start.

The parents and Martha have not yet made an appearance and we learn that, back at The Nest, Chris is suspicious about Alice’s behaviour – has she been drinking? Admit it Chris; it was the off-key singing of ‘Nellie Dean’ that gave it away, wasn’t it? Alice protests that she is perfectly sober, but Chris is having none of it and demands to look into his wife’s handbag (braver man than I, Chris). He finds a selection of miniature spirits; some of which are empty. He tells her that she’s got to sober up, or she can’t come to the church, so he plies her with coffee.

Jenny and Emma are laying out the Party Favours at St. Stephen’s and watch the proud parents arrive. Except, they aren’t proud - they appear to be arguing. Emma, who it seems has assumed the role of Ambridge Peace Keeping Force, says that she will go out and sort it. What’s going on? Chris won’t let Alice hold Martha, telling Emma that Alice nearly dropped “my daughter” – come on Chris; I’m sure Alice too had a hand in Martha’s birth – because she was drunk. 

Emma says she can’t believe it, which is strange, as the reason she and her brother were at loggerheads was because Emma accused Alice of being the worse for drink. Then the light switches on and the events of recent months suddenly come into focus. Overcome with it all, Chris breaks down and gives away the whole sorry saga of Alice’s struggle with alcohol and her drunken advances towards Harrison.

Emma says how awful all this must have been for Chris, having to endure this on his own (one might observe that it wasn’t much fun for Alice, either) and Emma asks “How could you be so cruel?” She also says that none of this was Chris’ fault. Chris weighs in by telling his wife “You lie Alice; you drink, you lie and then you drink again”.

Alice begs him to stop, but Chris tells his wife that she is a danger to Martha (“No! No! No!” Alice screams) and that he cannot bear the thought of going to work, wondering what his child might be undergoing at home. By this time, all the congregation has heard what’s been going on and, presumably, are not over-surprised to learn that the Christening has been called off.

Chris tells Emma to take Martha away, back to Neil and Susan’s, and Alice pleads with him to not to take their daughter away and also not to leave her (Alice) there alone. “I don’t have any choice” Chris replies and Alice breaks down in tears, calling Martha’s name. So, there you have it – please pick up your party bags on the way out, everybody (see title).

Let’s turn now to lighter matters. Mia contacts Ruairi – she is doing a project about the environment and would like to interview local farmers – would Ruairi be up for it? He says yes, but can she come back in an hour? When she does, she finds Ben there – Ruairi explains that he thought she might like two farmers to interview.

As the interview progresses, Ben keeps interrupting with facetious comments. At the end of the interview, Mia leaves and Ben teases Ruairi - didn’t he realise what was going on? No, what? It’s obvious, says Ben; Mia has a crush on him – she couldn’t take her eyes off him. She’s only 15, Ruairi protests, to which Ben says that 15 year-olds are allowed to have crushes. Step back Ruairi – what would dad Brian do?

Bank Holiday Monday saw Russ’s Life Art Class at Lower Loxley. Joy is so keen that she is there 30 minutes early. She asks Elizabeth and Russ if she can give a speech or hand out some flyers regarding her manifesto for the Parish Council. Elizabeth declines politely, explaining that Lower Loxley cannot be seen to support one candidate over the others.

Meanwhile, Lee has belatedly realised that we are talking nudity. Even worse, Russ has sent him details of the pose he wants and this is a standing one which means that Lee cannot even preserve his modesty with a strategically-positioned scarf. The result is that Lee has pulled out, meaning that they will have to cancel the event.

Russ says that Lee has let him down, but Helen defends her lover, saying why doesn’t Russ get his kit off? Russ says that he has to conduct the class and he cannot do that if he is posing as well. Cancellation looks inevitable, but then Joy says that she’s willing to pose naked, and in return negotiates a brief pre-posing speech and a few flyers available for the sketchers. Elizabeth and Russ gratefully grab her hand off. Joy gets her kit off in a flash – so much for neutrality Elizabeth. But from various conversations after the event (including Elizabeth, Helen and Susan) Joy’s stepping up to the plate to save the day has earned her a number of votes, so well done Joy.

That’s Life, Lee

Ryan Early (Lee Bryce)

I think that Lee, the apparently-hunky physiotherapist, is in for a bit of a shock. He is helping Kirsty pack up her stuff and they are assisted by Kirsty’s next-door neighbour, Joy. When Joy pops home to get some home-made cakes, Kirsty teases Lee by saying that Joy is an admirer of his. She adds that she will miss Joy when she moves out. It seems that Kirsty might have a point, as Joy is sticking closer to Lee than a shadow and even accompanies him down to the shop. 

At the shop the pair run into Freddie, who is putting up a poster and moaning because Elizabeth has dragooned him into helping to promote Russ’s art class at Lower Loxley, which is what the poster is advertising. Freddie’s gripe is that the model who Russ has lined up cannot make it (the class is being held on Bank Holiday Monday) and Freddie has been tasked with finding a replacement. Joy says Lee could do it and he agrees, saying how hard can it be to sit still for a couple of hours?

Joy hangs back to talk to Freddie as Lee goes into the shop and she asks Freddie if Lee realises that the art class is a life session – no clothes required? Freddie neither knows nor cares – he’s just happy to have found a replacement. Not as happy as Joy; she tells Freddie that she will sign up for the art session and he tells her to be there at 1pm. “I might get there a bit earlier,” she replies, adding; “Just to secure a good position.” Yeah, right. Just be careful that Lee doesn’t trip over your tongue, Joy. I suspect that, when Lee and Helen eventually move into what was Kirsty’s house, Joy will spend more time there than at home. Incidentally, Joy says that she is standing for the Parish Council – I thought Jim told Susan last week that nominations had closed?

In last week’s blog, we had Lily telling Rex about a bit of scrub land going spare, where he could house his pigs. Sadly, Elizabeth decided that the plan wasn’t a goer and turned it down. This pleased Freddie, who described the land as ‘a special place’ where he and Lily used to go and play in the tree house that dad Nigel built for them.

It might be special, but it’s not producing anything and Elizabeth talks to Vince, who has turned up unexpectedly, about the situation – what does he think she should do? Vince says that he thinks pigs have a certain charm, but it’s up to Elizabeth to decide. She is torn – she believes that Rex could be a high maintenance tenant, and, as a farmer’s daughter, she knows the sort of mayhem that escaping pigs can cause. Still, look on the bright side – if Freddie bitches and moans (as if!) Elizabeth says that she can always say that Vince put her up to it.

As it happens, Elizabeth goes to see Rex and say ‘sorry’ for not renting him the land, but he is phlegmatic and says that he has plans for the business (assuming he can find somewhere for his pigs, of course). These plans include cutting his ties with Bridge Fresh (Tom and Natasha will be pleased) and selling direct to customers. If he had the pigs at Lower Loxley, he has lots of ideas; these include giving talks about rearing pigs and also supplying the Orangery with “free range meat, reared on site.” That, he suggests, would be a great USP with customers. 

Outdoor food, he adds, will also go down well (not in the winter, it won’t) and this strikes a chord with Elizabeth, who is toying with the idea of opening an open air cinema. Great idea, says Lee – people could order sausages, pulled pork etc to eat – the world is, well, their pig, I suppose. Elizabeth is inspired and impressed and does a complete 180 degree turnaround as she suggests that she draws up a formal tenancy agreement and he can move the pigs in. Rex is well chuffed. I suggest he takes stock (no pun intended), as, with rearing the pigs, flogging the meat, schmoozing customers, holding lectures and running a taxi, he might find that 24 hours in a day might not be enough.

Last week supplied a – some might say, well overdue – lesson in humility for Justin Elliott. When Leonard bought Ben a Time Capsule for his birthday, he little thought what a kerfuffle he might stir up in Ambridge. Justin is perplexed – where is his favourite Damara pen? Lilian is surprised – she didn’t have him down as the type of man who had a pet pen. Neither did I; it’s not as if it were a gold-plated Cross, or a platinum Platignum (I still have the forlorn hope that mentioning top quality products will lead to delivery of samples of said products to Haharchers Towers). Just in case I’m wrong, I’d like to mention Moet et Chandon champagne and vintage Glenmorangie whisky (other vintage wines and spirits are acceptable).

But back to Justin and Lilian. Never mind the pen – he goes positively spare when Lilian tells him that she has also included the photograph of Justin dressed as a daffodil for a school play. Imagine the embarrassment for him when the TC is opened in a decade’s time! Far be it for me to be picky, but I would venture to suggest that, at his age and with his lifestyle, the chances of Justin being alive in ten years’ time are vanishingly small. 

There’s only one solution – Ben must be told to open the TC. So Justin goes to Brookfield to instruct Ben to do his duty. The trouble is that a) Ben isn’t there, and b) the TC has been buried. Ruairi is there, however, and tells Justin that they have a map of the buried location and – oh yes – there’s a spade over there, if he’d like to start digging. Justin protests, and tells Ruairi to dig it up, but Ruairi declines and goes off, saying to Justin that, had he been more polite, then Ruairi might have been inclined to help him. As it is, “When you’ve finished Justin, can we have our map back – please?”

Justin starts digging and injures his shoulder. He has a great idea, and goes to see Eddie, to see if he can borrow Eddie’s metal detector. Of course he can, Eddie tells him – and as a special favour, he’ll only charge Justin £30 for two hours. And if Justin will drive him over to Loxley Barrett, he’ll knock off £10. 

To cut an exceedingly long story short, we see Justin and Lilian skulking in a Brookfield field and eventually they find the site of the TC and dig it up. There is a moment of farce when David turns up and asks why are they digging in his field? Lilian stammers something about retrieving a photograph and David chuckles, obviously thinking that the photo must be compromising (Justin has torn it up, incidentally) and he leaves the pair to it. Lilian and Justin then get involved in a mud-throwing contest. Justin doesn’t care that they are getting filthy – the photograph is no more. However, his triumph is lessened somewhat when Lilian informs him that she still has the negative in the loft.

We learn why Eddie needed a lift when he returns to Grange Farm, driving a limo. The idea, he tells son Ed, is to have something special for Clarrie to ride in when they renew their wedding vows. Mia thinks this is really romantic and describes Eddie and Clarrie as ‘soulmates’. Ed notices that Mia is somewhat distracted (little clues like holding her book upside down give this away) and it is revealed that she has a crush on a lad and doesn’t know how to get to talk to him. Ed tells her that he used to do really silly things to try and impress Emma – one day he climbed up the outside of the church and got stuck; I bet Emma was really impressed with that. Ed’s advice is “Just be yourself”. I was hoping that Mia would say ‘are you honestly trying to tell me that that worked for you?’ in an amazed voice, but she didn’t.

Over at Brookfield, we witness an almost-Damascene-like conversion when Ben tells his parents that he’s not happy at university and he wants to do something with his life that makes a real difference. As such, he has decided to chuck in his course and retrain to be a nurse. David and Rooooth tell him how difficult this would be, and what a terrific responsibility he would be taking on. Ben says that he is already signed up as a volunteer to go and talk to elderly, lonely people in their homes.

Am I the only one who finds this change in attitude hard to believe? Can this really be the Ben we know – the Ben who would bonk a frog if it stopped hopping long enough? The same Ben who tarted up the caravan as a love shack? I wish him luck, but I wonder where the idea came from.

Meanwhile, the search goes on for suitable Godparents for Martha. Alice runs into Jakob and there is an awkward moment when she attempts to explain why he hasn’t been asked. Jakob cuts her short and says that he would make a useless Godfather and he believes that Alice and Chris’s final (so far) choice of Rex, Pip and Emma is ideal. Later on, he gives Kate a right dressing down, saying that Kate cannot see that people are entitled to their own opinions. Why is she always so angry?

He goes on to reel off a few more of Kate’s major shortcomings, to which Kate replies “I refuse to be lectured.” “This isn’t a lecture,” says the vet; “it’s a wake-up call from someone who cares.” When Kate says that she just wants to be close to Martha, he says that she can be; “The only thing stopping you is you.”

Jakob’s words have an effect, and Kate goes to see sister Alice. Alice is wary – is Kate here to carry on the feud? No, says Kate – she’s there to apologise; she was selfish and it was wrong to try and dictate what to do to Alice. Alice stands there slack-jawed, wondering who this strange person is and what she has done to her sister. Kate tells her about her talk with Jakob and that “everybody thinks of me as a screw-up, so I just go along with it.”

She mentions that it was ten years ago that she married Lucas; “the biggest mistake of my life”. Alice protests that Kate and Lucas had children Nolly and Sipo, but Kate says that she never sees them “and it hurts”. She also tells Alice how lucky she is to have a loving husband and a stable home life – Alice is indeed ‘the golden child’. “I just wish I could start again with my children” Kate says, sadly, adding; “I’ve made quite a mess of my life”. A rare moment of self-awareness there from Kate, except I would delete the words ‘quite a mess’ and replace them with ‘a complete and utter cock-up.’