Some of our readers might have thought that I have been a bit hard on the scriptwriters, moaning about the amount of air time devoted to Lynda and her damn Mystery Plays. Well, I take it all back and apologise sincerely to the writing team. I would also like it to be known that I have a new favourite Borsetshire character, so step forward and take a bow Evangeline Lowminster.
For those who may not be aware, Evangeline is the producer of the rival Easter show being staged by the village of Darrington and, by all accounts, she makes Attila the Hun look like Mother Teresa. Eddie Grundy, who has defected to Darrington, complains that, if cast members are late, or not word perfect, Evangeline punishes them with forfeits such as washing up all the coffee mugs (and this is only when the cat o’ nine tails is in the wash, apparently). So bad is she, confesses Eddie to Kirsty, that he would rather be directed by Lynda Snell – she’s a pussycat compared to the monster that is Evangeline.
Kirsty is concerned; the Ambridge production is still two characters light – Eddie was cast as a shepherd before he went over to the Dark Side, plus they don’t yet have a God, so she makes it her mission to broker a peace between Eddie and Lynda. Easier said than done, but she does manage to get the pair sat down face to face and tries to seek out some common ground as a starting point for negotiations. What would Eddie like? Well, give Clarrie her part back for a start. “Impossible – Susan has worked hard and has made the part her own” she sniffs.
Good start! Kirsty asks if there are no parts available (and why not a female God – this is supposed to be a gender-neutral production, after all?) is there a backstage role available? Eventually Lynda comes up with the post of Head of Wardrobe and Kirsty asks Eddie if this is acceptable? He says ‘yes’, as long as Lynda apologises to Clarrie face to face. She counters with saying that, if so, Eddie has to spill the beans about the Darrington production (he hinted that there is something important that the Ambridge players don’t know about the Darrington show). Eddie acquiesces (never let it be said that this blog has no class – I could have said ‘concurs’ or even ‘agrees’ or ‘says yes’) and the pair (metaphorically) shake hands. It is now that Eddie drops his bombshell; Darrington are also doing Mystery Plays (we all knew that) but it turns out that they are using the same version of the script as Ambridge. Lynda is incensed; “I cannot allow it; the Darrington production must not go ahead. I’m going to stop it – they will rue the day that they took on Lynda Snell!” she crows, triumphantly.
The very next day Lynda confronts Evangeline, saying that she has learned that both of them are using the same script for their productions. Lynda is at her condescending best and says that, as Evangeline is less experienced in this sort of enterprise, she probably doesn’t realise that the director needs to obtain the author’s permission to use the script before a public performance. Evangeline concedes that Lynda may have a point, and asks her if she (Lynda) has paid a fee to the author’s agent?
Evangeline then suggests that no such fee has been paid, and Lynda rises up in righteous indignation, only to be cut short by Evangeline saying “Colin Whitstable” (the play’s author) “is my nom de plume, and, Lynda, they’ll be playing netball on Neptune before you secure the rights to my script.” What a wonderful moment! Game, set and match to Darrington, methinks. Realising that she hasn’t a leg to stand on, Lynda decides to cancel the Ambridge production, citing the fact that the two productions are so close together. Privately, she tells Kirsty that Whitstable’s script is not that good and that Lynda could write a better one. This mystifies Kirsty, as Lynda has been banging on about how good the script is and praising the author to the heavens. We learn that the general reaction round Ambridge to this news is one of relief – and not just in Ambridge, as conveyed by the title of this week’s blog. Well done writers!
We’ve spent a fair amount of time on this one subject, but I hope that you, like me, think it was worth it. So what else has happened? Ben shows Jill the redecorated caravan/love nest and she says that a few cushions would enhance its appearance, so she gives him some. Ben is agog with anticipation, as he and Evie intend to ‘christen’ the caravan love nest that evening. There is a brief cameo when Ruairi tells him that it is his turn to have the love nest tonight, but he is just winding Ben up.
So, how did it go, Ruairi asks next day? Not as planned is the answer – Ben and Evie approached the caravan, occasionally tripping over Ben’s tongue (“Evie looked so hot” he tells his friend), only to find the lights on and Jill and Leonard snuggled up together on the cushions, with some of Jazzer’s home brew. Apparently, they offered to leave, but Evie was so embarrassed that she went home. Tough luck Ben.
The search for a new Chair for the Parish Council rumbles on. Emma thinks Jill would be a great choice and Ben says that he will try to persuade her and she’ll do anything for her grandson (this was before the caravan incident). In fact, he is driving her to tonight’s PC meeting, so the timing couldn’t be more favourable. As it turns out, Jill is dead set against the idea, so Ben’s efforts are in vain.
At the meeting, tempers are heated and, as we learn later when Jim speaks to Emma, Richard Thwaite storms out in a huff and Audrey is voted in as interim Chair. Jim regards this as a disaster and tells Emma that Audrey will be an awful Chair and he suspects that the whole exercise is just a ploy and it is part of Hilary Noakes’s master plan to take over as Chair when Audrey’s interim tenure expires. Apart from the fact that this sounds a bit too Machiavellian for the cockatoo-loving, but silent Hilary, I have a question, which is ‘Who the hell is Audrey?’ Have I missed something, or have the writers slipped in a previously-unknown character? Anyway, one person who found the meeting, and the discussions therein, vastly entertaining was Ben (he sat through it so that he could take Jill back home) who regretted that he never filmed it, as “it would probably have gone viral”.
Chris and Alice are still getting to grips with baby Martha. Alice never seems to get a moment on her own, as Chris is always hanging around like a bad smell. One day, he has to work late, so he rings up Sgt Burns to see if Fallon can go and sit with Alice. Harrison says that Fallon is tied up all day, but he is willing to go and see Alice – it will give him a chance to have a look at the new baby.
Fallon is perplexed when he turns up – in answer to her question he says he was just passing, but she points out that they live at the end of the lane and there’s nowhere else to go to. She starts to get annoyed, saying that it’s obvious that Chris doesn’t trust her and now she’s got the police keeping an eye on her. Harrison protests that he is just there as a friend and that Chris is concerned about Alice and he adores her. He adds that he has told nobody about Alice’s alcoholism – not even Fallon – and reminds her that he is there for her and Chris. Alice calms down and thanks him for being their friend.
Things get a bit better on Friday, when Emma persuades Alice to join her on a shopping trip. At first, Alice is uneasy and suggests that they return home, but Emma points out that they have only been out for half an hour and Chris is at home with Martha. Chris obviously knows his wife well, as he leaves a message on Alice’s phone; Martha is sleeping and he sends her a photo. Alice relaxes a little and thanks Emma for getting her out of the cottage.
Emma suggests that the girls celebrate by booking themselves a manicure – there’s a salon just over the way and they go in and arrange an appointment for when lockdown is over. It is indicative of how things have changed in Ambridge since Philip Moss was exposed as a slave-master that, upon leaving the salon, Emma becomes uneasy – the girls working in the nail bar looked nervous and the prices seemed worryingly low; could this be another incidence of slave labour? Emma tells Alice that she will ring the slavery hotline and pass on her suspicions; something that would never even have occurred to her before the Moss era.
Friday was a momentous day in the life of Kirsty Moss (nee Miller) as it was the day that Philip and Gavin Moss face sentencing for the crime of employing slave labour, to which they have both pleaded guilty. Sergeant Burns is in court and he has promised to ring Kirsty and let her know what’s happening. The trouble is that Kirsty’s friends are ringing her to offer messages of comfort (Helen, Harrison and Jill) and, every time the phone rings, she jumps.
She’s at Roy’s and each call is shredding her nerves. Roy offers to drive her to the court, but she says that she doesn’t want to see her husband. She is in a terrible state – what happens if the Judge falls for Philip’s lies, like she did; he’s such a plausible liar? What if he gets off with Community Service and returns to Ambridge? Roy points out, reasonably enough, that both Philip and Gavin have pleaded guilty, and so the Judge can hardly let them go, can she?
To distract Kirsty, Roy reveals that he has met someone online, and is hopeful that it might lead to something. She’s a Science Teacher from South London (how convenient is that – not) with two teenage sons. Kirsty wishes him all the best. Just then her phone rings and it is Sergeant Burns – Philip got eight years in jail and Gavin five. Kirsty feels sorry for Gavin, but Harrison says he knew exactly what he was doing. Apparently Philip was unrepentant and gave the Judge a mouthful. As Kirsty puts the phone down, Roy tells her that she is “amazing.” She’s certainly relieved.
Finally, the clocks have gone forward and the weather is getting warmer, so the cricket season cannot be far away. As team captain, Tracy is apprehensive – she fears that time spent in lockdown has meant that her players have been unable to train and have become unfit and flabby. In order to remedy this, she proposes to reinstate her training Vlogs and it appears that she has taken a leaf out of the Evangeline Lowminster man-management book, as we hear her filming herself talking to her team. “We’ll start off with 100 Jumping Jacks” she growls. I cannot help thinking that there are going to be several Ambridge cricketers secretly hoping that the country has to go through another period of lockdown – if Tracy continues like this, people will start having heart attacks.
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