You Can Choose Your Friends, But…

The second half of the saying that makes up this week’s title is ‘you can’t choose your relatives’, which is why we should commiserate with George Grundy. It’s George’s 16^th birthday and Will, Emma and Chris (and baby Martha) are gathered together to help him celebrate. George, however, isn’t there and he sends Will and Emma a text saying that he’s trying to sort out a summer holiday with his mates.

As the three adults await his return, they reminisce about when they were George’s age. Apparently Emma was the worst-behaved of the trio, but they were all scallywags to varying extents. In a moment of honest self-awareness, Will says “I were a cocky little git.” Ignoring the bad grammar, why the past tense we ask ourselves? The reason we should commiserate with George is that Will remarks that George reminds him very much of granddad Joe. Poor little sod! Does that mean that he is doomed forever to keep coming up with scams that never work properly, leaving him with egg on his face?

One plan that does seem doomed to failure is the aforementioned summer holiday with mates. George has asked for money instead of birthday presents – and now his mum and dad know why. Sadly for George, the memories of how they used to behave at his age mean that there’s no way that they will let him go away on his own. Nice try George, close, but no cigar – still, being a male Grundy means that he ought to quickly get used to failure.

One person who was supposed to be at George’s party (apart from George) was Alice, but she stayed at home to do some urgent vacuuming. Chris is getting concerned that she hasn’t turned up, so he goes home to fetch her, where he finds that the reason she hadn’t made the party is easily explained by the empty bottle of Rioja by the side of her sleeping body. Earlier in the day, Brian had turned up to take his new granddaughter out to see the farm (he didn’t actually say ‘and one day part of all this will be yours my girl’ but it was a close-run thing) and he returned to Alice’s bearing gifts of plain chocolate and a bottle of wine.

Alice explains to Chris that she thought one drink wouldn’t hurt, but before she knew it, she had chugged down the entire bottle. Chris is not impressed and refuses to let Alice breastfeed their daughter, preferring to go on a trek to buy some formula milk. The fact that there are so many different kinds was no problem – Chris purchased one of every sort. Alice complains that if she cannot feed Martha, it’s very painful. Chris’s caring response is to snarl “Get away from us.”

The next morning, Martha is crying and Alice says that she’s crying for her mother. In fact, she was crying half the night – Alice says it was because Chris wouldn’t let her feed her daughter. “What? Can you blame me?” Chris retorts. Alice swears that she loves Chris and Martha – she’d die for them. “But you won’t stop drinking for us” Chris tells her. Alice does promise that she will never drink again – she knows that one drink will never be enough. However, she’s had an idea – why don’t they get Martha christened? Chris points out that they are not religious, but Alice says that doesn’t matter; Martha is worth celebrating and Alice will make everything all right from now on – he’s got to believe her. I’d be careful Chris; I reckon it’s just a ploy to get at some Communion wine.

Alice wasn’t the only one of Brian’s daughters causing trouble last week, as Kate managed to stick her oar in as well. Kate buttonholed daughter Phoebe and bent her ear about Kate’s plans for the rewilding land. These plans included tree houses (to which Phoebe had already said no) and erecting some yurts on the land to generate income. Not just any old yurts, but Kate’s plan is to relocate the yurts from Spiritual Home.

When Phoebe mentions this to granddad Brian, he goes ballistic “What the hell is she up to?” he yells, then goes off on one, saying that the reason that the Aldridges lost their home was because of Kate’s intransigence and her refusal to move Spiritual Home. Not only did they lose their home, but her attitude threatened the whole Farm Partnership – he cannot believe it. Phoebe says not to worry, it won’t come to anything, she promises. Lucky for Kate that she isn’t present, as Brian is still shaking with anger. “Well, it better not,” he rants, and tells Phoebe to tell Kate to keep her nose out of Rewilding. “It’s your project and nothing to do with her!” Brian fumes.

Monday was Jade’s birthday, and Jazzer presented her with a biker’s jacket as her present. She was over the moon, but considerably less delighted with Jim’s present, which was a hamper of quite expensive toiletries. She immediately starts moaning about Jim, saying that he seems to be suggesting that she smells. She’s fed up hearing his name and adds that she finds it a bit creepy that Jazzer is renting a room from someone who is seemingly trying to control him.

To his credit, Jazzer defends Jim and he and Jade start arguing and shouting. Eventually, Jazzer says that he’s had enough – he’s dumping Jade. “What? On my birthday?” she says, amazed. Yes “And by the way, that trick of yours with the pasta was disgusting” the Scotsman adds, as a parting shot. Cheer up Jade; at least you’ve got a biker’s jacket out of it.

Jazzer finds himself at a bit of a loss and he tells Jim that he has dumped Jade and he thinks he should be looking for someone nearer his own age. He eventually confesses that he has someone in mind and he cannot stop thinking about her, in a romantic sense. Jim suggests that Jazzer should tell the lady in question and Jazzer says “But what if she turns me down?” “It might be a cliché,” Jim replies, “but ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’, or if you prefer, ‘who dares, wins’.”

So it is that Jazzer goes round to see Tracy and he gives her the hamper of smellies, saying that Jade wasn’t impressed, so Tracy and Chelsea can share them. He goes further, saying that he likes Tracy and, oh yes, he’s dumped Jade. Tracy is offended, saying that she won’t be wooed on the rebound and shuts the door on him.

Undaunted, Jazzer tries to summon up the right words to say and eventually knocks on Tracy’s door once more. “What do you want?” she asks, belligerently, but this time Jazzer is ready. “Tracy Horrobin,” he begins, “you are the most awkward, loud-mouthed, infuriating [Tracy gasps] hard working, most generous, kindest, warmest, sweetest, funniest woman I know. You’re not bad in the sack, either” he adds as an afterthought, saying that he has a lot of feelings for her. Tracy replies that he’s not too bad in that department either, but adds that she has responsibilities and needs ‘a proper man’. She also asks if he is proposing to her – if so, he’ll have to ask her father for her hand, and she calls out “Dad!” Jazzer is alarmed, but Tracy collapses in mirth – her Dad has gone out. “Is it worth a try?” Jazzer asks. “I’ve had worse” Tracy answers, and asks him inside. And they said that romance was dead! I wish them both well.

If Jazzer is feeling at a loss, that’s nothing to how low Kirsty is feeling. She phones Helen from Grey Gables, where she has returned to work, and admits that she’s feeling unhappy – there are very few guests. “It’s like a hotel for ghosts” Kirsty tells her best friend. Kirsty asks if she can drop round later to see Helen. “Yes – we can open a bottle” Helen replies. Just don’t invite Alice is my advice!

So it is that Kirsty turns up after work at the dairy, ostensibly to return Pat and Tony’s wedding present - a rather upmarket slow cooker, apparently – and Kirsty explains that she doesn’t want to keep anything that reminds her of Philip. Jennifer Aniston got rid of all her wedding presents when she and Brad Pitt split up, Kirsty explains, adding the comment that Phil is no Brad Pitt. It could be argued that she is no Jennifer Aniston either, but that would be unkind, as she is obviously suffering and in a bit of a wretched state.

Kirsty is definitely down and looks back on her time in Ambridge. When she arrived 20 years ago, she was a student, then she fell in love with Tom and thought that, in two decades’ time, she would have children and she and Tom would own a farm. As it is, nothing has worked out for her as she anticipated – she’s single, to all intents and purposes, and in a dead-end job. You forgot to mention that your other half has just been sent down for eight years, Kirsty, but I don’t want to depress you further.

Helen wants to support her friend and reminds her that she (Helen) has had great experience in coming back from the brink of disaster. The key, Helen adds, was the success of her own business, which made her happy and also restored her self-confidence. Why doesn’t Kirsty go freelance as a Conservation Consultant? After all, she is passionate about all things green.

Kirsty replies that she is a bit too old to retrain (she’ll be 40 next month), but Helen isn’t having any of this sort of defeatist talk and says Kirsty is talking nonsense: “Your best years are yet to come – and you’d better start believing it!” I have an idea – why doesn’t Kirsty hook up with Phoebe and Rex and get involved in the Rewilding project? At the very least, she could sit on Kate and keep her quiet (please).

Finally, we learn from Kirsty that, according to Lynda, the Darrington Mystery Play performance was a total disaster. “Lynda was thrilled” Kirsty tells Helen. Perhaps somebody should take Mrs Snell OBE to one side and tell her quietly that gloating and schadenfreude are not particularly admirable character traits, while humility and modesty have much to recommend them.