You Can Certainly Pick Them, Kirsty

Andy Hockley (Philip Moss)

In the ultimate paragraph of last week’s blog, we ventured to suggest that Philip Moss was tempting fate when he was making predictions that next year would be the best ever for him and Kirsty. Tempting Fate, or what, we asked?

Things started to go nads up on Wednesday, when Kirsty returned home from work to find Gavin with his suitcase packed, and on the point of leaving the house. Where is he going, Kirsty asks him and he replies that he is going back to live with his mother. “Is it the gambling again?” Kirsty asks, to which Gavin gives a mirthless laugh, and tells her that the gambling story was all a lie. He adds that the life that Kirsty is living isn’t real, and he wanted to tell her at the wedding what Philip is really like.

By this time, Kirsty is getting scared and asks him what is he talking about? Rather unhelpfully, Gavin says “You’re a lovely person Kirsty – you just need to open your eyes!” And on that enigmatic note, he is gone, leaving a perplexed – and deeply worried – Kirsty behind.

However, the show must go on, and Kirsty appears in Freddie’s Christmas extravaganza at lower Loxley (which was a great success, incidentally, but more of this later). Talking to Kirsty afterwards, Roy senses that all is not well and asks what is the matter? Kirsty tells him how weird Gavin was and she wonders out loud if her husband is having an affair. Roy tries to reassure her that Philip adores her; to which Kirsty asks that Philip is certainly hiding something and, if it isn’t an affair, then what is it?

This brings us to Thursday evening and Philip returns home, having spent the night away for work – something else that did nothing to banish Kirsty’s misgivings – and she confronts him with her suspicions; was he with another woman? “Where is this all coming from?” a mystified Phil asks and, when Kirsty tells him that Gavin told her that Philip isn’t who she thinks he is, Philip says that he and his son had had an argument about Gavin’s gambling problem.

Bad luck Philip! Kirsty says that she knows that is a lie – Gavin told her as much. "Of course he did – he’s an addict” replies Philip, and he says again that he is not having an affair, but his wife is unconvinced. Eventually, however, Philip reveals what happened some time ago, when his business was on its knees, and he took a lad off the streets to work for him and gave him a home, with TV and computer games. Phil makes the mistake of referring to his workers as “the horses” and she picks up on this and asks him if he paid them or not. “I paid them in kind” he replies.

Philip then makes another mistake by saying they might all be dead by now if he hadn’t rescued them; Kirsty Poirot seizes on the ‘all’ and asks, incredulously: “You kept on doing it?” She cannot believe it, as she used to help Philip by doing his books. Philip then reveals that there were two sets of books. “What you were doing is criminal” says a shocked Kirsty (as if he didn’t know.)

Never mind, says Philip, as it’s all over now – the firm has been wound up and the pair of them have a new life to look forward to. In response, Kirsty says that she realises that she has been living a lie and she continues to question her husband, and ties him up in verbal knots, by picking holes in his story, if that isn’t mixing metaphors somewhat.

One such testing question is ‘where are the lads now?’ and Phil’s answer “Does it matter? They’re out of our hair” does not chime with Kirsty’s new-found concern about the horses, which is increased when she learns that Blake is not – as she has been told – at home with his family in Norfolk. She is not convinced either when Philip says that he sent them to work for someone else. Could have been worse Phil – at least you never revealed that, by, ‘sent’ you meant ‘sold’.

At this moment, there is what can only be described as ‘a hammering’ on the door and we hear Roy asking loudly if Kirsty is OK? Kirsty screams at Phil not to touch her and she shouts at Roy to call the police. She lets Roy into the house and, when Philip asks him politely to leave, Kirsty says that she wants him to stay. Philip says that he meant every word of what he said at their wedding – “You have to believe me – I am the man you married.” Kirsty’s response is that, if he really has changed, then prove it by going outside and telling the police (who have recently turned up) what happened to the lads. Philip does go outside and a policewoman says “Mr. Moss? We’ve had a report of a disturbance.” “I know. I’m the man you’re looking for” Philip replies, and so the week in Ambridge ends.

Of course, there were other stories this week; some of them involving Tracy. On Monday, she runs into Oliver in the Grey Gables bar. Oliver has heard about Roman leaving for the Maldives and he realises that Tracy is very down about it. Grey Gables is hosting a virtual rehearsal later that night and Oliver is keen that Tracy stays to take part. Exactly how far there is to go in getting this production on the rails is revealed when Tracy says that, bearing in mind that the opening night is only a couple of days away, half the cast don’t even know what is the reading that they are supposed to be – well – reading on the night.

Tracy tells Oliver that Roman had asked her to go to Grey Gables for a meal on Christmas Day, but she turned him down; how could she abandon her two kids, her father and idiot brother Gary while she was being wined and dined by her lover? The words ‘only too easily’ spring to mind, but Tracy obviously has family loyalty. Having said that, she moans to Oliver that, here she is, in her 40s, with two kids and still living with her father. Roman, she tells Oliver, was far from perfect “but he was perfect for me. Face it – me and the kids; that’s my life.”

Oliver persuades Tracy to stay for part two of the rehearsals and asks her what is she doing later? “Nothing interesting, why?” Tracy asks. The answer is that he wants to treat her to a Christmas meal, which he does, including cracker jokes. She tells him that she is enjoying herself and Oliver replies that it is his pleasure and that she deserves a treat and should not underestimate herself or sell herself short. Compare and contrast this attitude towards employees, as they used to say on examination papers, with the approach adopted by Philip Moss. There, that didn’t take long, did it?

But let’s return to the preparations for Freddie’s Lower Loxley Christmas production. With Roman sodding off to the Maldives, the whole burden falls on Freddie’s shoulders. With horror, Freddie realises that Roman’s approach to rehearsals can be summed up as ‘we’ll park that for now’ and nobody has any idea what they should be doing. Thank God it is a reading and that there are no lines to learn by heart. Having said that, it is always an advantage to know exactly what you are supposed to be reading.

Freddie conducted his first virtual rehearsal and, as he told Lily, it was a disaster. He wore reindeer antlers, under the belief that it would cheer people up, but the general reaction was ‘who’s the prat in the antlers?’ He asks Lily to walk the course with him and check timings (social distancing and number restrictions mean that readings are taking place at various locations around Lower Loxley).

It turns out that some of the timings are physically impossible, but things get worse, as the twins notice that there is one reading that cannot be accounted for. It is in one of the most prominent locations and was earmarked for Roman. Who can they get to fill in at such short notice? Freddie has an idea, but tells Lily that he doesn’t know if the person he is thinking of will give him the time of day. That person is Eddie and Freddie goes to see him. Eddie says he will do it for the benefit of the community and for charity, but it appears that Roman chose a poem by Milton, and Eddie finds it incomprehensible – how will the kiddies understand it?

What they need, says Eddie, is his father, Joe, who was a master storyteller – er, he’s dead Eddie. Eddie then retails a story that Joe used to tell, and apologetically tells Freddie that he doesn’t think he can help him. But wait! Freddie has a lightbulb moment and tells Eddie (I am paraphrasing here) ‘Sod Milton – tell a story about your dad.’ Eddie does this, and it goes down a storm.

Before we finish with Eddie, he, Clarrie and Poppy go out carol singing. The atmosphere and the Christmas lights get the better of Eddie and he goes down on one knee to ask Clarrie if she would consider renewing their marriage vows? He also asks if she could hurry up with her answer, as the verge is wetter than he realised (the big romantic!). Anyway, she says yes.

Elsewhere, David keeps his lunchtime date with Vince Casey. Rooooth is under strict instructions to phone him 30 minutes into the date, so that David can make an excuse and leave. As it turns out, it is not the ordeal that David feared, as Vince says no talk of business. Vince arrived in a Rolls Royce, which David thought a bit flash, but Vince reveals that he bought it for his father, who thought it too good to use as a regular source of transport and only used it to take his wife to church – the rest of the time, he drove an old Vauxhall Viva. David is pleasantly surprised, as he tells Rooooth, when she does phone up, albeit horribly late.

For the finale, we return to Tracy. She is taking part in Freddie’s show and, when she comes across Jazzer rehearsing his contribution, she takes the mick. So much so that Jazzer storms off. Eddie, who is conducting the rehearsal, admonishes her. “I can’t help it,” she replies, “he rubs me up the wrong way.” Eddie acts as peacemaker and, after the show, Tracy makes a point of seeking out Jazzer and telling him how good he was. Jazzer is pleasantly surprised and the pair agree a truce over the Brad and beer incident. Although it’s late, they wonder if there are any mince pies left and go off to the kitchen, where there’s a fire. The atmosphere is cordial and we are left wondering if a romance could develop and perhaps Jazzer could be rubbing Tracy up the right way before long.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

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