You Can Certainly Pick Them, Kirsty

Andy Hockley (Philip Moss)

In the ultimate paragraph of last week’s blog, we ventured to suggest that Philip Moss was tempting fate when he was making predictions that next year would be the best ever for him and Kirsty. Tempting Fate, or what, we asked?

Things started to go nads up on Wednesday, when Kirsty returned home from work to find Gavin with his suitcase packed, and on the point of leaving the house. Where is he going, Kirsty asks him and he replies that he is going back to live with his mother. “Is it the gambling again?” Kirsty asks, to which Gavin gives a mirthless laugh, and tells her that the gambling story was all a lie. He adds that the life that Kirsty is living isn’t real, and he wanted to tell her at the wedding what Philip is really like.

By this time, Kirsty is getting scared and asks him what is he talking about? Rather unhelpfully, Gavin says “You’re a lovely person Kirsty – you just need to open your eyes!” And on that enigmatic note, he is gone, leaving a perplexed – and deeply worried – Kirsty behind.

However, the show must go on, and Kirsty appears in Freddie’s Christmas extravaganza at lower Loxley (which was a great success, incidentally, but more of this later). Talking to Kirsty afterwards, Roy senses that all is not well and asks what is the matter? Kirsty tells him how weird Gavin was and she wonders out loud if her husband is having an affair. Roy tries to reassure her that Philip adores her; to which Kirsty asks that Philip is certainly hiding something and, if it isn’t an affair, then what is it?

This brings us to Thursday evening and Philip returns home, having spent the night away for work – something else that did nothing to banish Kirsty’s misgivings – and she confronts him with her suspicions; was he with another woman? “Where is this all coming from?” a mystified Phil asks and, when Kirsty tells him that Gavin told her that Philip isn’t who she thinks he is, Philip says that he and his son had had an argument about Gavin’s gambling problem.

Bad luck Philip! Kirsty says that she knows that is a lie – Gavin told her as much. "Of course he did – he’s an addict” replies Philip, and he says again that he is not having an affair, but his wife is unconvinced. Eventually, however, Philip reveals what happened some time ago, when his business was on its knees, and he took a lad off the streets to work for him and gave him a home, with TV and computer games. Phil makes the mistake of referring to his workers as “the horses” and she picks up on this and asks him if he paid them or not. “I paid them in kind” he replies.

Philip then makes another mistake by saying they might all be dead by now if he hadn’t rescued them; Kirsty Poirot seizes on the ‘all’ and asks, incredulously: “You kept on doing it?” She cannot believe it, as she used to help Philip by doing his books. Philip then reveals that there were two sets of books. “What you were doing is criminal” says a shocked Kirsty (as if he didn’t know.)

Never mind, says Philip, as it’s all over now – the firm has been wound up and the pair of them have a new life to look forward to. In response, Kirsty says that she realises that she has been living a lie and she continues to question her husband, and ties him up in verbal knots, by picking holes in his story, if that isn’t mixing metaphors somewhat.

One such testing question is ‘where are the lads now?’ and Phil’s answer “Does it matter? They’re out of our hair” does not chime with Kirsty’s new-found concern about the horses, which is increased when she learns that Blake is not – as she has been told – at home with his family in Norfolk. She is not convinced either when Philip says that he sent them to work for someone else. Could have been worse Phil – at least you never revealed that, by, ‘sent’ you meant ‘sold’.

At this moment, there is what can only be described as ‘a hammering’ on the door and we hear Roy asking loudly if Kirsty is OK? Kirsty screams at Phil not to touch her and she shouts at Roy to call the police. She lets Roy into the house and, when Philip asks him politely to leave, Kirsty says that she wants him to stay. Philip says that he meant every word of what he said at their wedding – “You have to believe me – I am the man you married.” Kirsty’s response is that, if he really has changed, then prove it by going outside and telling the police (who have recently turned up) what happened to the lads. Philip does go outside and a policewoman says “Mr. Moss? We’ve had a report of a disturbance.” “I know. I’m the man you’re looking for” Philip replies, and so the week in Ambridge ends.

Of course, there were other stories this week; some of them involving Tracy. On Monday, she runs into Oliver in the Grey Gables bar. Oliver has heard about Roman leaving for the Maldives and he realises that Tracy is very down about it. Grey Gables is hosting a virtual rehearsal later that night and Oliver is keen that Tracy stays to take part. Exactly how far there is to go in getting this production on the rails is revealed when Tracy says that, bearing in mind that the opening night is only a couple of days away, half the cast don’t even know what is the reading that they are supposed to be – well – reading on the night.

Tracy tells Oliver that Roman had asked her to go to Grey Gables for a meal on Christmas Day, but she turned him down; how could she abandon her two kids, her father and idiot brother Gary while she was being wined and dined by her lover? The words ‘only too easily’ spring to mind, but Tracy obviously has family loyalty. Having said that, she moans to Oliver that, here she is, in her 40s, with two kids and still living with her father. Roman, she tells Oliver, was far from perfect “but he was perfect for me. Face it – me and the kids; that’s my life.”

Oliver persuades Tracy to stay for part two of the rehearsals and asks her what is she doing later? “Nothing interesting, why?” Tracy asks. The answer is that he wants to treat her to a Christmas meal, which he does, including cracker jokes. She tells him that she is enjoying herself and Oliver replies that it is his pleasure and that she deserves a treat and should not underestimate herself or sell herself short. Compare and contrast this attitude towards employees, as they used to say on examination papers, with the approach adopted by Philip Moss. There, that didn’t take long, did it?

But let’s return to the preparations for Freddie’s Lower Loxley Christmas production. With Roman sodding off to the Maldives, the whole burden falls on Freddie’s shoulders. With horror, Freddie realises that Roman’s approach to rehearsals can be summed up as ‘we’ll park that for now’ and nobody has any idea what they should be doing. Thank God it is a reading and that there are no lines to learn by heart. Having said that, it is always an advantage to know exactly what you are supposed to be reading.

Freddie conducted his first virtual rehearsal and, as he told Lily, it was a disaster. He wore reindeer antlers, under the belief that it would cheer people up, but the general reaction was ‘who’s the prat in the antlers?’ He asks Lily to walk the course with him and check timings (social distancing and number restrictions mean that readings are taking place at various locations around Lower Loxley).

It turns out that some of the timings are physically impossible, but things get worse, as the twins notice that there is one reading that cannot be accounted for. It is in one of the most prominent locations and was earmarked for Roman. Who can they get to fill in at such short notice? Freddie has an idea, but tells Lily that he doesn’t know if the person he is thinking of will give him the time of day. That person is Eddie and Freddie goes to see him. Eddie says he will do it for the benefit of the community and for charity, but it appears that Roman chose a poem by Milton, and Eddie finds it incomprehensible – how will the kiddies understand it?

What they need, says Eddie, is his father, Joe, who was a master storyteller – er, he’s dead Eddie. Eddie then retails a story that Joe used to tell, and apologetically tells Freddie that he doesn’t think he can help him. But wait! Freddie has a lightbulb moment and tells Eddie (I am paraphrasing here) ‘Sod Milton – tell a story about your dad.’ Eddie does this, and it goes down a storm.

Before we finish with Eddie, he, Clarrie and Poppy go out carol singing. The atmosphere and the Christmas lights get the better of Eddie and he goes down on one knee to ask Clarrie if she would consider renewing their marriage vows? He also asks if she could hurry up with her answer, as the verge is wetter than he realised (the big romantic!). Anyway, she says yes.

Elsewhere, David keeps his lunchtime date with Vince Casey. Rooooth is under strict instructions to phone him 30 minutes into the date, so that David can make an excuse and leave. As it turns out, it is not the ordeal that David feared, as Vince says no talk of business. Vince arrived in a Rolls Royce, which David thought a bit flash, but Vince reveals that he bought it for his father, who thought it too good to use as a regular source of transport and only used it to take his wife to church – the rest of the time, he drove an old Vauxhall Viva. David is pleasantly surprised, as he tells Rooooth, when she does phone up, albeit horribly late.

For the finale, we return to Tracy. She is taking part in Freddie’s show and, when she comes across Jazzer rehearsing his contribution, she takes the mick. So much so that Jazzer storms off. Eddie, who is conducting the rehearsal, admonishes her. “I can’t help it,” she replies, “he rubs me up the wrong way.” Eddie acts as peacemaker and, after the show, Tracy makes a point of seeking out Jazzer and telling him how good he was. Jazzer is pleasantly surprised and the pair agree a truce over the Brad and beer incident. Although it’s late, they wonder if there are any mince pies left and go off to the kitchen, where there’s a fire. The atmosphere is cordial and we are left wondering if a romance could develop and perhaps Jazzer could be rubbing Tracy up the right way before long.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Neil and Peter would like to wish all our readers all the very best for the coming year and can only hope that 2021 is less stressful than 2020

Thank you for your loyalty over the past 12 months and please let us know what you think of the blog, as we like to know your opinions 

In the meantime, we wish you all health and happiness

 

Surely Not Such A Difficult Choice, Tracy?

Susie Riddell (Tracy Horrobin)

Roman, Tracy’s actor ‘friend’, is on the horns of a dilemma; he tells her that he has been offered a job as actor/director at a hotel complex. “But it’s not local” he warns his lover, adding “In fact, it’s over 5,000 miles away – it’s in the Maldives.” Tracy is somewhat taken aback, but Roman has another surprise for her when he tells her that he wants her and the kids to go with him.

Speaking to sister Susan later on, Tracy says that, if she didn’t have kids, she’d have her bags packed already, but as it is she knows the difference between a daydream and real life. “Give me three good reasons why you should stay here” Susan tells her, to which Tracy replies “Brad, Chelsea, Dad.” What part of ‘good reasons’ do you not understand, Tracy?

However, Susan presses on, seemingly unaware that she is making a rod for her own back, when she says that no problem is insuperable – if Tracy is worried about taking Chelsea away when she should be taking her GCSEs, then the answer is simple – Chelsea can stay with Susan until her exams are over, then she can fly out and join her mother and brother. Exactly what Chelsea would think about having to study while the other members of the family are relaxing in golden sunshine on white sands by an azure ocean, we aren’t told, but I’m willing to bet that it is not ‘I’m really, really glad I’m here in Ambridge.’ And what of Dad? Presumably Susan would have him put down.

Tracy promises Roman that she will give him her answer that evening, when the pair attend ‘Deck the Hall’ at Lower Loxley. She strings him along for a bit, then when he says that, if she doesn’t go, then neither will he, Tracy says “Go on then – let’s see if we can make this work.”

Roman sends her photos of the view from their apartment (this is at 2 am), but it soon becomes apparent to Tracy that her daydream is nothing more than a pipe dream and that neither of them has really thought this through. For a start, the cheapest flight that Tracy can find on the Internet is over £1,000 and the apartment is just two bedrooms – hardly big enough for her, Roman and two teenagers. She realises that this is just fantasy – what about visas? Would she be able to get work out there? 

Roman says he loves her, to which Tracy asks if he loves her enough to stay in Ambridge? When he doesn’t answer, she says “No; I didn’t think so.” The following day, Roman tracks Tracy down – he’s unhappy at the way their last conversation ended and wants to talk. “I’ll miss you – I’ve never met anyone quite like you” he says.

“I don’t really do long goodbyes” Tracy says, to which Roman answers “This is it then.” Whatever happened to ‘if you don’t go, then neither will I’? At least the parting is amicable, as Tracy tells him “Make sure you knock their socks off over there.” And that’s that. Throughout this performance, nobody seems to have given any thought to the fact that Roman is going to find it bloody difficult to direct the Lower Loxley Christmas extravaganza from the Maldives and that Freddie is presumably now in total charge – his task will not have been made any easier by the fact that nobody knows what parts they are supposed to be playing and that there has been nothing in the form of a rehearsal. I just hope that Lynda is not disinterred from her crypt to pull his chestnuts out of the fire.

When Susan finds out that her sister has turned Roman’s offer down, she is horrified and, when Tracy says that he was “only summer loving material” she is not fooled. Actually, Susan is probably relieved that Tracy is staying put, as she (Tracy) is leading the online ‘reinstate Susan Carter’ campaign. Yes, Susan has finished her final show on radio Borsetshire. She tells her listeners that she is leaving due to pressure on her home life, but we know that she has been tossed aside like a spent match. 

There is further disappointment when she asks Neil what did he think of her farewell performance? The answer is ‘nothing’, as he didn’t hear it (some people do have jobs to go to, Susan). Susan affects indifference, but Neil isn’t fooled and suggests that they listen together on catch-up. As well as the radio show, there are complimentary comments and demands for Susan to be reprieved on the website; presumably these are from the Borsetshire Masochists’ Society.

Early in the week we were treated to another example of Grundy incompetence. For reasons I don’t understand, Oliver is helping Eddie pluck turkeys – Oliver mutters something about repaying the Grundys’  hospitality or similar, which is a tad strange, as Grange Farm belongs to Oliver. Anyway, Oliver asks Eddie about the number of turkeys that he has sold – has he got a definitive list of customers? “It’s all up here” Eddie replies confidently, presumably tapping his head. Well, there’s plenty of room for it there, as a quick count up by Oliver reveals that Eddie’s orders are around twenty birds short of the number needed. What is Eddie to do – disappoint the new customers that he has recently signed up, or really hack off some of his regular turkey buyers by not providing them with birds? Either way, it does not bode well for customer relations, nor for business in future years. Christmas is fast approaching, so what can Ambridge’s most incompetent entrepreneur do to get out of this one? 

The answer seems obvious to Eddie – buy in some extra birds at the auction. Unfortunately, as a worker at the auction, Eddie would not be allowed to bid. Never mind – Oliver can buy the birds; Eddie will indicate which birds to buy and, when the bidding gets too high, he will scratch his left ear to indicate to Oliver that he should pull out. What could possibly go wrong? We are talking Grundys here, remember.

Firstly, Oliver has a bad attack of the ethics – people buy Grundy turkeys because they are hand- and home-reared and what Eddie is proposing is tantamount to fraud, in Oliver’s opinion. Eddie does a bit of semantic juggling, describing the turkeys as ‘supplied by the Grundys’ and, in the end, he wears Oliver down and he agrees to go along with the plan.

Snag number two manifests itself on auction day, when Oliver gets carried away by the thrill of the chase and continues to bid, even though Eddie is scratching his ear like a madman. Oliver took a dislike to one punter in particular and, as he tells Eddie afterwards, he (Oliver) was determined not to be outbid. While they are loading up the van, all Eddie can do is moan about how much it has cost him in lost profits. Oliver shuts him up by reminding him that if Oliver hadn’t noticed the shortfall in the bird numbers, then Eddie would be facing a lot of disgruntled customers. I just hope that they remembered to remove the Sainsbury’s labels from the birds (poultry from other supermarkets is also available).

The lads that work for Philip and Gavin had speaking parts last week. They were looking ahead to their new jobs and optimistic that the new guvnor would let them manage their own money and buy their own food. They spent a lot of the time bickering in the flat and I was quite touched when Blake suggested to Jordan and Kenzie that they should maybe buy Philip a present, as they won’t be seeing him very many more times. We learn later that they do buy Philip something, and that Gavin gave them some money to do it.

Being a big softie, I found this quite poignant and touching, as we listeners know that Philip is selling the boys to Victoria; a slave master. There is some dispute about whether Blake is damaged goods and is he really worth £20? But Philip says that he is selling the three lads as a package, which sounds quite noble (assuming you ignore the ethics of selling people like items of furniture, of course) until he tells Victoria “What you do with them after that is up to you, of course.” I hope the boys do not suffer too much.

Having said that, I begin to wonder if Philip is in for a Reckoning soon (after all, this is Ambridge, which we have often said in the past is somewhere where no bad deed goes unpunished). Not only that, but things seem to be going too well for Mr Moss senior for my liking, and you cannot help but think that he is riding for a fall.

The purchase of the property in Wales seems to be going along smoothly and Philip shows new wife Kirsty a slate house nameplate with the name ‘Cartrev’ on it. Helpfully, Philip explains that this means ‘home’ in Welsh. Other possible harbingers of disaster are when Phil tells Gavin “I’ve got the feeling that next year is going to be the best yet” and, when Kirsty asks Phil if he’s going to miss the boys when he retires and if he’s having any regrets, Phil replies “No, this is my time to move on.” He adds; “We’re going to start our new life in a fabulous cottage in the most beautiful country in the world.” A sure recipe for disaster if ever I’ve heard one. Incidentally, when listening to this last pronouncement from Philip, a friend said ‘Oh; aren’t they going to live in Wales, then?’ Biting or what?

Finally, as we approach the Festive (?) Season, Neil and Peter would like to thank all our readers for their support and comments, and thanks too to those who very kindly bought us some silage during the year. 

We wish you all a very happy and, above all, healthy Christmas and we will, hopefully, be back in 2021. 

Keep safe and well.

Neil and Peter

 

Thanks For The Advance Notice, Kirsty

Annabelle Dowler (Kirsty Miller)

Let’s begin at the end of the week. Kirsty goes to see Helen to ask her for a favour (“Nice dress” Helen tells her in passing) now what was the favour? “Are you busy this afternoon?” Kirsty asks and, to cut a long story short, it turns out that she and Philip have decided to get married and Kirsty would like Helen to be a witness (Gavin is the other one). Oh yes – one more thing – the ceremony is taking place today at 2pm.

So we have Helen applying her eyeliner in a car being driven at 40mph as the two girls speed off to the Register Office. Meanwhile, Philip and son Gavin are getting outside a pint or two of Dutch courage. In fact, one suspects that Philip has had a head start, as he – uncharacteristically – thanks Gavin. “What for?” his son asks. “For everything” Philip replies. Gavin then brings up the subject of the labourers that Philip has sold on to Victoria, the gang-master. Gavin has heard unsettling rumours about how one of her workers was taken to hospital, half-starved and beaten up, and Gavin pleads for Philip to reconsider selling the lads on. Philip, however, is having none of it “It’s my wedding day” he tells Gavin, adding that he wants to hear no more about the subject. Another example of spectacularly bad timing Gav.

At the Register Office Helen and Gavin start talking (well, there’s no-one else, to talk to is there?) and Helen recounts how she was trapped in a bad marriage and how Kirsty was the only one who could see how manipulative Rob was. Helen realises that her story is rather inappropriate for such an occasion as a friend’s wedding and she apologises to Gavin for putting a downer on things. He tells her not to worry, and then he has to go to the foyer, to pick up the buttonholes which he has inadvertently left there.

It’s obviously Gavin’s day for having young ladies pour out their hearts to him, as he finds Kirsty there, having a quiet sniffle or two – she has just been talking to her mother and was overcome with emotion. Gavin is very quiet and Kirsty immediately apologises to him, thinking that all this wedding activity must be reminding him of when he was planning to marry Kelly. Gavin tells her that she is very thoughtful and that he hopes that she and Philip will be really happy, to which she replies that she is very happy. And not only that; she is extremely proud of how Gavin has faced up to the problems in his life. It is in this mood of mutual self-congratulations that we move on to the actual ceremony (where we learn that the happy couple’s middle names are Cyril and June) and Philip says a few words about how Kirsty has made him a better person. 

At this, Kirsty leaps on him and has to be reminded by the Registrar that the service is not yet over and would she please get off him and carry on making her vows? At least the Registrar didn’t have to throw a bucket of water over them.

Elsewhere, Chris picks Alice up from the detox clinic and she announces her intention of going back to work tomorrow. She phones Helen for a catch-up and Chris is astonished at how glibly and convincingly his wife can lie about where she has been for the past two weeks – she tells Helen that she was staying with a friend in Bath and goes into great detail about what she did in her time in the city. I don’t know why Chris should be so surprised at his wife’s capacity for mendacity – after all, she pulled the wool over his eyes regarding her alcohol dependency for many, many months.

The trouble is that Chris is now in danger of becoming paranoid, as he is constantly checking up on Alice’s movements. For instance, Alice told him that she was coming straight home from work, but she was 10 or 15 minutes late – where has she been? Tied to the chair and with the spotlight shining in her face, Alice admits that she went to the shop. What for? Groceries for tonight’s dinner – and she has the parsnips to back up her story. Chris is still suspicious, but Alice says that if he carries on like this, he will drive her back to drink, which is not perhaps the most tactful thing to say.

Such is Chris’s growing paranoia that he even rings the midwife to discuss what possible effects Alice’s drinking could have had on the baby. Of course, Lauren (the midwife) doesn’t know and all she can say is that the scans look OK and they will just have to wait and see. She also mentions that she cannot really discuss details of somebody else’s case.

One thing that Lauren did say is that Chris and Alice are a very strong couple and obviously love each other. To reinforce this, Alice shows her husband a card that she made when in detox, which lists five reasons for not drinking. Two of these are because she loves Chris and that she wants to protect her baby. Right on cue, she feels the baby move and, a few minutes later, Chris feels it as well. They say how much they love each other and Alice says “I’m going to beat this Chris” but he corrects her, saying; “No, we’re going to beat this – all three of us, together.”

Earlier on, we mentioned Alice’s expertise when it came to telling lies about where she had been for the past fortnight, but she met her match when she went to see Peggy. Peggy was delighted when she learned that Alice had been in Bath, as that is one of her favourite cities and she wants to hear all about what Alice did there. Lesson number one Alice is, if you are going to tell lies, then you need to prepare your story thoroughly. Under Peggy’s questioning, Alice makes the odd slip or two and this brings a frown to Peggy’s face – as she tells Lilian later in The Bull, she is not convinced that Alice was ever in Bath, as her story didn’t ring true. But if she wasn’t there, then where was she, and what was she doing? Could she be having an affair, perhaps? Peggy tells her daughter that she knows a thing or two about betrayal, as her first husband was always being linked with other women, as well as being a complete lush to boot.

Lilian, who is frantically trying to attract Kenton’s attention for another round of G&Ts, pooh-poohs this idea and tells her mother that she is letting her imagination run away with her – anyone can see how happy Chris and Alice are, plus the fact that Alice is pregnant don’t forget. Peggy agrees that maybe it does sound rather far-fetched.

December 12^th marked the 21^st birthdays of the Pargetter twins. Before the event, we learn that they have vetoed Elizabeth’s plan to hold a virtual party – one reason given by Freddie is that he cannot bear the prospect of spending an evening “teaching Uncle David how to unmute.” What then can they do? Lily is not fussed about not having a party and Freddie accuses her and Russ of being boring and middle-aged before their time – well, certainly in her case, although Freddie does say that Russ really is middle-aged.

Stung at the accusation of being boring, Lily says that they should go out together – in fact, they should go out that very night, and she goes off to get ready. They go to a club/casino and, from various references about James Bond, it would appear that Freddie is wearing a tuxedo. The doorman asks for I.D. and we learn that Lily has left hers on the kitchen table. Memo to Lily; forgetfulness is one of the first symptoms of the onset of middle (or even old) age. What to do now? 

When we next hear them, they are playing Bingo and Lily is getting ridiculously excited, as she only needs two numbers for a Full House. Freddie, who is feeling a trifle over-dressed for the occasion, tells her to keep quiet, or they will be thrown out. In the end, she does win the Full House, and with it the top prize of £20. She says that it is the most fun she has had in ages (poor kid) and, while £20 isn’t a fortune, it does at least mean that they can get fish and chips on the way home. What was that you were saying about not being boring, Lily?

 

Thanks For Finding The Lego, Tony

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

I know you will find this hard to believe, but Monday’s episode begins with a moan from Tony, when he unexpectedly locates a piece of missing Lego on the stairs. That’ll teach you not to wear slippers Tony. As he witters on about it, daughter Helen tells him that he might not have to put up with it for much longer, and goes on to tell him that she is thinking about possibly buying Kirsty and Philip’s house.

Tony thinks this is a sound idea, but has Helen told Pat? Pat just loves having her grandchildren around, he tells her. And Pat is not alone, as later on Tony is talking to Joy Horville and tells her about Helen’s plans. Joy is delighted and immediately volunteers her services as a babysitter. It is all too much for Tony, who breaks down and tells Joy that he cannot imagine life without Helen and the two boys. He thanks her for being so understanding when she comforts him.

Later on that day, Helen tells her dad that she has informed Pat of her possibly moving out and Tony replies that he and Pat will help Helen out with the deposit, as they still have some money left from the sale of the land to Justin Elliott and Borsetshire Land. Helen is touched by the offer and says that she is looking forward to leading an independent life once again. She then blows it completely by telling Tony that things have got a bit behind at the Dairy and could he help out by picking up the boys? Oh yes – could he give them something for their tea as well? What was that about an independent life?

I find it strange that, when anyone moves in Ambridge, there is an outpouring of grief and/or anxiety. I could understand it if Helen and boys were upping sticks and setting off for Tristan da Cuhna or somewhere equally remote, but she’s not moving out of Ambridge. In fact, as the land on which the Beechwood Estate was built was sold off by Tony and Pat to Justin Elliott, you could argue that, technically, Helen won’t even be leaving Bridge Farm.

David tells sister Shula about how Elizabeth is dating Vince Casey and just what a bad idea he thinks it is. To David’s horror and disgust, Shula cannot see what David’s problem is, and she thinks that Elizabeth’s suggestion that David should get in touch with Vince and offer to meet up for a drink is a good one. David cannot see why he should talk to the man, but Shula urges him to message Vince and get it over with. David does so and gets an immediate answer – Vince thinks it’s a great idea; in fact, why don’t they make a night of it and go for an Indian afterwards?

If David was horror-struck before, that’s nothing to how he feels now.

Horror-struck could also describe the feelings of Gavin. He is confidently expecting father Philip to give up work and leave Gavin to run the business. Well Gavin, one out of two isn’t bad, as Philip does indeed intend to give up work, but, sadly, an examination of the firm’s books reveals that there is no money left in it and Philip will have to wind up the business. What will Gavin do? Philip says it could be a great opportunity for his son to start up as a sole trader – Philip will let him have the van and all the tools.

But if Philip sells his house, where will Gavin live? Philip says that they will sell the flat where Blake and the other two workers live and Gavin and Philip will split the money. But what will happen to the other workers? “I’ll be selling them on” replies Philip, and he reveals that he has already negotiated a price with a buyer. Gavin is appalled, as the buyer has a reputation for ruthlessness. “We owe the lads a duty of care” says Gavin; something which makes Philip think that his son has lost it completely. Personally, I think that it’s nice that Gavin is showing signs of having a conscience, but I think that he is doomed to disappointment this time.

As we get near to Christmas, it’s time for the annual village lights switch-on and this year Tracy has decided to join in and is waiting on the village green. Daughter Chelsea is in charge of the lights at their house and, when the time comes for the traditional switch on round the green, where each house in turn lights up, Chelsea is found wanting and misses her designated slot. Tracy gets a phone call and rushes off home, only to find that her son Brad got very drunk and returned home. He just had time to say “I don’t feel very –“ before he upchucked all over the furniture and carpet. Tracy is furious and finds a plastic flagon with the remains of some cloudy beer in it in the garden. “And when I find out where he got it, there’ll be hell to pay” she promises.

It doesn’t take her long to track down the culprit, and she goes round to Jim’s house to accuse Jazzer of selling his home brew to a minor. Jazzer protests that Brad had I.D., which prompts an astonished snort from Tracy – Brad is 14. One wonders what was the I.D. – his Cycling Proficiency Certificate, perhaps? Jazzer isn’t having any of this – he remembers well how, when she was Brad’s age, Tracy would be drinking cider in the Cat & Fiddle.

The discussion (for want of a better word) is becoming heated and Jim diplomatically suggests that they should postpone this dialogue until another date. Tracy and Jazzer are still snarling at each other, but Tracy takes the hint and leaves, but this incident is far from over.

Indeed it isn’t, as Jim admonishes Jazzer and says that he should apologise to Tracy. Jazzer goes round to her house, and there is not a good start to their conversation when he says that the place reeks of vomit and can they have a window open? Tracy icily replies that it is freezing outside and she has already cleaned the room – twice.

Jazzer’s ‘apology’ is remarkable, in that the words ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘my fault’ never pass his lips. He does offer Tracy £20 towards the cost of cleaning up, but she is far from impressed. Again, Jazzer reminds her of her form for underage drinking when she was Brad’s age, to which she replies “It’s different when it’s your own kid.” “Like mother, like son” says arch-diplomat Jazzer. Having initially refused Jazzer’s £20 offer, Tracy now asks him for the money – not for her, but for Brad, as compensation for his suffering. Just stop him going round to Jazzer’s to spend it, Tracy.

While we are on the subject of drink, our thoughts immediately turn to Alice, who is away having detox – or, if you believe the story put about by husband Chris, away visiting friends in Bath – leaving Chris at home to suffer loneliness and anxiety about her condition, as well as the strain of fending off enquiries as to why she isn’t answering her phone.

Sgt Burns goes to the forge to remind Chris that they were due to go for a run today, and finds the farrier in a bit of a state – he is unable to finish a job that he has done millions of times before and there is much cursing, sounds of metal being hit with a hammer, and cries of anguish. Now, I’m no blacksmith, but I can’t help thinking that metal (especially hot metal), a forge, and hammers are not particularly good bedfellows with a mentally-disturbed frame of mind. SgtB obviously agrees and persuades Chris to put down the hammer and move away from the hot coals and go out on the scheduled run.

Chris is in full-on mode and Harrison suggests that they calm down, as he’s getting knackered. He has sussed that there is something wrong (move this man to the detectives!) and eventually teases the whole Alice story out of his running companion, after swearing that it will go no further. Chris says he cannot sleep; he cannot believe that Alice could have lied to him for so long, nor that he was so blind that he couldn’t see what was happening, and that he loves Alice and hates her (for lying and endangering their baby) at the same time. 

Harrison repeats his pledge of confidentiality and tells Chris that nobody should have to go through this sort of thing alone; not Alice and not Chris, but at least by checking into detox, Alice has taken the first, major step. “Let’s get you home” says Ambridge’s favourite copper.

Two stories to finish on; firstly we have Eddie and David’s masterly plan to catch the Brookfield nighthawkers. They are going to arrange a meet at Brookfield and herd those who attend into a dead-end field. When it is sure that escape is impossible, David will telephone the police. “Will we need any more help?” David asks. “With the two of us, it should be a breeze” Eddie answers, full of confidence.

Oh, if only! You will have read/seen Starsky and Hutch, Batman and Robin and Holmes and Watson, but you are unlikely ever to read about Archer and Grundy. When Ambridge’s finest return to the scene of their trap, they find no incarcerated criminals, but rather, Eddie’s van with four slashed tyres. It appears that one of the rogue detectorists’ group spotted Eddie talking to David and cancelled the proposed Brookfield expedition. The violence of their response has knocked the stuffing out of Eddie, who has lost his enthusiasm for detectoring, even after David repeated his offer of exclusive rights on Brookfield land. Will tried to encourage his dad to continue but Eddie’s spark seems to have fizzled out.

Careers in the media are sometimes transient, and this week we saw the end of another; Susan Carter was told by Danny (her producer on Radio Borsetshire) that he has decided to end her daytime show. She had her latest guest – the chef from The Feathers (oh, come on – you must have heard about him; he’s been on TV and everything) cancel the very morning that he was due to be interviewed. Danny charged Susan with finding a replacement and, at such short notice, the best she could come up with was Bert Fry, who heard her stressing in the shop about getting a guest to stand in.

Back at Ambridge View later, Susan tells Neil that she had been let go and her radio career is over, but it was a blessing, as it was becoming very time-consuming. Neil says that he has been really proud of her.

Bert’s topic was ploughing matches, and the interview was not a success. In fact Neil, who listened to it on the radio out of loyalty, tells his wife; “Bert has no idea how boring he can be.” Now, I’m not one to talk about pots and kettles, but if you are described by Neil (‘Tedious’) Carter as ‘boring’ then I confidently submit that you do not have much – indeed none whatsoever - of a future on the after-dinner speaking circuit.

Blake Saves Gavin’s Bacon

Luke Macgregor (Blake)

I sometimes – no, I often, wonder whether Gavin really is managerial material. Take last week; Gav and the lads are awaiting a delivery of bricks so that they can start on a building job. The bricks arrive and the driver leaves. To his dismay, Gavin inspects the load and finds that they are not the right sort; they are engineering bricks – if only he had inspected them, but he was busy with the customer. Gavin is in despair – his dad Philip already thinks that he is a waste of space and this debacle will do nothing to dispel this view – Gavin fears he is in for a prolonged bout of earache from his father.

Philip turns up on site, where Blake, one of the labourers, tells him about the mistake. Amazingly, Blake says that it was his fault, as he accepted the delivery without checking the goods. Talk about a noble gesture and taking one for the team! Philip is annoyed and tells Blake that he will have to be punished for making a mistake – that punishment is that the Playstation will be confiscated for two weeks. Furthermore, Philip puts the fear of God up Blake by telling him that the cops have worked out that the Grey Gables explosion was his fault and they are scouring the country for him.

When Gavin and Blake are alone, Gavin asks him why did he take the rap? “That’s what mates do, isn’t it?” Blake answers, and thanks Gavin for looking after him – he could never have coped otherwise. What does he mean looking after him – the explosion would never have happened if Blake hadn’t tried to make some toast because he was half-starved. Whatever, Gavin is very touched and thanks Blake, saying “I owe you one.” Gavin goes even further, by digging out a vintage games console (was it an N64? I don’t understand these things) and challenging Blake to a game. Gavin also tells Blake that things will be different soon, as Philip is thinking of retiring (this is in strictest confidence, of course).

It was not a particularly good week for Freddie, as his first rehearsal was a cross between a farce and a failure. Freddie tells Tracy that it was “a disaster” and everybody kept looking at their watches. “Whatever made me think that I could be a director?” he asks, despondently. Fear not! Tracy has had an idea and tells Freddie that she will be in touch soon. Her idea is for her man Roman to get involved on the directing side and she and Roman run the idea past Elizabeth, who immediately says that there is no budget available. No worries; Roman says that he will do it for free – it will look good on his CV. The only worry is how will Freddie react? Again, no worries – Freddie grabs Roman’s hands off and hands over the canvas chair and megaphone at the speed of light.

It transpires that, whereas Freddie didn’t have a clue how to organise a rehearsal, Roman has his own, idiosyncratic method. Instead of a mass meeting, he prefers to meet with a couple of cast members at a time. The first two lucky punters are Oliver and David, who meet for an hour at the Village Hall. Roman’s idea is to play a game – ‘Two truths, one lie’ in which the others tell three stories and the two non-storytellers have to pick out the lie. Oliver is a roaring success; entertaining and hilarious, while David tells three stories about cows – ‘one dimensional’ doesn’t even come close.

Actually, I don’t know what David was doing there, as all he did was bitch and moan and, when he realised that the game was the sum total of the rehearsal, he sank deeper into a slough of despond. Speaking to Eddie next day, David told Eddie that he (Eddie) was well out of the production and that “I never thought I’d find myself missing Lynda.” Oh come on David – it cannot be that bad, but if it is indeed so, then why not step aside in favour of Eddie; he’s desperate to be in the production and you so obviously aren’t, so it would be win-win.

Talking of Eddie, he is really getting into the job of trying to infiltrate the rogue metal detectorists targeting Brookfield and has created a complete new identity online, with a sophisticated backstory. His aim is to become accepted by the group and, as bait, he has posted details of a coin or medal that he and Joe unearthed a few years ago. And it works, as Eddie receives lots of messages, asking for more details. The plan is that the nighthawkers will have to meet him face to face and, to Eddie’s delight, they arrange a date for Thursday evening – they will send Eddie details of exactly where and when later. Eddie tells Will that he’s “not going to let nighthawkers get their hands on our treasure.” Sorry Eddie? Our treasure? Whose farm is it anyway?

Eddie was going to take his sons with him, but they call off. David refuses to let Eddie go solo, and says he will accompany Eddie. As it happens, Will changes his mind and goes with his father, so Eddie tells David he can stand down. The rendezvous is in a service station car park and the Grundys initially wait in their van to suss out the nighthawkers. As we learn later, they are surprised to find that the group seem to be a decent bunch. Eddie is jubilant – he is now a member of the group and, should anyone plan a move on Brookfield, he and David can catch them red-handed. I feel we should point out that we are talking about the Grundys here, and their capacity to cock things up is legendary, so I am fully expecting something untoward to happen before long.

Alice has taken up residence in her detox unit, although she very nearly bottled it and was all for not going – not only would she miss Chris, but, as they are going private, the cost is prohibitive. Why can’t they just get away to somewhere off the beaten track, where she can sort herself out? Chris says that she cannot do it by herself – she needs expert medical help and, when she is better, it will be well worth the money. She reveals that she is wearing a locket with her husband’s photo inside, and if things get too tough, she will draw strength by looking at his picture. Chris says that he has never loved her as much as he does now and he’s proud of her. “I don’t deserve you” Alice says, a bit tearfully. “Of course you do” Chris replies, which could be interpreted as more-than-slightly immodest.

Over at Hollowtree (for the moment, at least) Rex is not having a good time. His pigs are farrowing and one piglet has been crushed by its (first-time) mother. He arranges to talk to Neil, who tells him that these things happen, and he (Neil) has had lots of setbacks in his farming career. Rex asks himself why is he bothering – he’ll probably be winding things up in a few months?

Neil tells him there might be an answer – what does he know about Council Farms? Like me, Rex’s answer is ‘sod all’. Neil says that they were established to give people a step up on the farming ladder, and could be the answer to Rex’s problem. By an almost unbelievable coincidence, there is one such farm coming on the market soon – a 10-year tenancy, 75 acres of land, a farmhouse and buildings, Jacuzzi, indoor swimming pool and skating rink (I lied about the final three.)

Rex says that he hadn’t thought about having a whole farm, but the idea of having his own place appeals, after living with Bert for so long. If you think about it Rex, you could even rent out some of the outbuildings (at an extortionate rate) to Toby for distilling Scruff Gin – always assuming, of course that the idle sod can be bothered to carry on in the gin business.

However, Neil adds a caveat – there will be great competition for the farm, but Neil does have the advantage in that he has an established agricultural business, so why not go for it? Rex is warming to the idea, but I’d be careful – Justin Elliott might buy the whole thing and build a housing estate. I should point out that I have absolutely no evidence that Justin has any such scheme in mind – nor indeed whether he would be allowed to do so – but I don’t think that the man is 100% trustworthy and he has both ambition and deep pockets, so anything is possible. Let’s hope not, as Rex could do with some luck – good luck, that is.

Let’s finish with a visit to Brookfield, where Elizabeth (I thought she was busy with work?) is watching Jill make mince pies. Jill goes wittering on about Leonard and how he thinks there should be a certain amount of candied peel in the mincemeat. Lizzie says how nice it is to hear Jill talking happily about Leonard and Jill immediately thinks that she has been insensitive, going on about Leonard, when Lizzie must be feeling lonely at this time.

Elizabeth says there’s no need to worry on that front, as she has been on a few dates recently. Has she met anyone interesting? Jill asks. Elizabeth replies that there is one person; he’s charming and gentlemanly and he’s called Vince. I don’t know what reaction Lizzie was expecting, but Jill, having ascertained that we are talking about Vince Casey, says “as long as you are happy.”

David turns up towards the end of this conversation and has caught the words “Vince Casey.” David calls him “a complete git” and then – rather belatedly – asks “why are we discussing that rat?” “Because I’m dating him” his sister replies, which, as I am sure you will agree, is a bit of a conversation stopper.

Later on, David tells Elizabeth that he was sorry that she heard what he said about Vince – not, you will note, that he was sorry what he said, but just that he was sorry that she heard it – and Lizzie shares that she thinks that Vince is a little bit intimidated by her. Lizzie tells David not to worry – she can look after herself – and David (trying to trawl back a few Brownie Points) says that he would happily sit down for a talk with Vince “But I don’t think it would change anything.” “Maybe – maybe not” Elizabeth replies, enigmatically, and thus the week’s final episode ends.

Let us delve into the realm of speculation for a moment. Let’s presume that Elizabeth and Vince fall madly in love. Furthermore, that this leads to a marriage proposal, which Elizabeth accepts. Furtherfurthermore, the marriage is held at Lower Loxley. Furtherfurtherfurthermore, Vince asks David if he would be his Best Man. Furtherfurtherfurtherfurthermore, Vince wants to book the Brookfield barn for the wedding reception and, knowing him, would ask for at least family discount, if not a freebie - I don’t know about you, but I think that could well make for an interesting two or three (at least) episodes.

 

The Human Scarecrow

 

Trevor Harrison (Eddie Grundy)

I think the Brookfield Archers are cursing the day that they found the Anglo Saxon coins on the farm, while of course they should be cursing their youngest son, the loose-lipped Ben, for spreading word of the find. Rooooth has just spent half an hour on the phone with a lady who has booked the Barn for an event a few months hence and who is worried about security – do they have secure parking with regular patrols of the car park? Are there fixed machine guns covering the entrance and exits? Is the minefield in working order?

Just as David explodes with anger – do these people think that there are thieves and criminals all over the farm, the phone rings – it’s Eddie; he’s up at Marneys and there’s a van parked outside – he reckons it’s the nighthawkers returned, looking for treasure. David says he’ll be right there, but it’s too late, as when he gets there the birds have flown. Eddie wishes he could do more to help, but he feels that the nighthawkers will not give up easily.

But wait a minute – perhaps there is something he can do; if he were to pose as one of the rogue detectorists, he might get some information on the nighthawkers, which he could pass on to David. David could then warn them off. Of course, to be convincing, he would need a metal detector – what about the one David found in the ditch the other day; that would be ideal? On top of this, Eddie suggests that, once the nighthawkers have been scared off, why doesn’t David agree to give Eddie the rights to search the land?

Now, I don’t know if David swallows all this guff – I suspect not, as the story is, as they say, ‘as thin as a Co-op blanket’ (not my phrase – apparently it is, or was, in common use among the bowling fraternity to describe a not very good shot) and you’d have to be as thick as a whale sandwich to be taken in by it. Certainly Rooooth finds the idea hilarious and calls it daft. But perhaps David is not as thick as all that, as he tells Rooooth “better the devil you know” and says that Eddie could be a deterrent “like a human scarecrow.” Cue more hysterical laughter from Rooooth. Actually, I do wonder whether there really was a van at Marneys in the first place, or whether the whole episode was a cunning ruse for Eddie to get his metal detector back, or is that too subtle? 

Chris and Alice featured prominently last week, including a two-hander for all of Wednesday’s episode. However, our story begins on Monday, when Alice presents her husband with a baby-gro. On the front is printed ‘I get my awesomeness from my dad’. Apparently there is no truth in the rumour that it also has ‘And I get my prodigious appetite for booze from my mum’ printed on the back. Just as the pair are getting all lovey-dovey, the doorbell rings and it’s Jennifer paying a visit. We have often commented in the past that she has an almost psychic ability to turn up like a gooseberry at the most inopportune moments. Tonight was one such and Chris says he’s going for a bath.

It must have been a long one, as he doesn’t emerge until Jenny is on the verge of leaving and she remarks that she is surprised that he isn’t all shrivelled and wrinkled, so long has he been in the soak. As Jennifer leaves, Chris is confronted by an ashen-faced Alice, who tells him that she is bleeding and she is terrified that she will lose the baby.

Rewinding an hour or so, while Chris was playing mermaids, Jennifer and Alice had a frank discussion, in which Jenny tells her daughter how she and Ruairi listened to the CD that Siobhan had made for her son’s 18^th birthday. It was very moving, with Siobhan talking from the heart and it showed how much she loved Ruairi. Any hate that Jenny had for Siobhan evaporated as she listened – Siobhan talked about her hopes for her son and Jennifer realised that she (Jen) had been lucky enough to see him develop into a fine young man, and just how much Siobhan had missed out on. On hearing this, Alice describes her mother as “amazing.”

But back to the possible miscarriage – the midwife could not arrange a scan right away, so they have to wait a while. Due to Covid restrictions, Chris was not allowed in the scan room and, as he tells Alice later, as they drive home, he has never been so scared in his life. Alice is very quiet and tells Chris not to be so nice to her – she doesn’t deserve it.

Bit by bit, the whole story of her alcoholism emerges and Chris is stunned and more than a little hurt; especially when Alice says that it has been going on for years and she has never really stopped drinking. Chris cannot understand how he could have missed it, plus he now realises that Emma had been telling the truth about Alice’s problem. Alice, too, is in a bit of a state and begs Chris to say something – what if she has hurt the baby, or it develops health problems? “I can’t do this on my own” she sobs, bursting into tears.

Next morning, Chris takes her some breakfast and says that he has scoured the house for alcohol and thrown it all away, as the only thing that matters now is the health of the baby. He spent the night on the sofa. Meanwhile, Alice is suffering with a bad case of the DTs and is shaking and sweating. She despises herself and tells him “You’re married to a disgusting, selfish, pathetic drunk!” He doesn’t contradict her.

Things go from bad to worse, as Alice is losing control. She tells Chris to lock her in the bathroom, as it is the only room in the house from which she cannot escape – I find this strange, as my bathroom is only lockable from inside – but Chris is loath to do this, until Alice’s begging convinces him that this is the only answer, so he does so.

Alice has told him not to let her out, whatever she might say, so he doesn’t, but she’s in agony, and so desperate for alcohol that she drinks some mouthwash – at least the baby will have fresh breath. This proves not to be a good idea, as she starts shouting; she’s hallucinating that the baby is talking to her and trying to escape from her body. She begs Chris to get her a drink – there is a miniature whisky in her handbag; this will be her last drink (they are seeing the doctor later). As Chris gives her the whisky, he breaks down, saying that he has let her down, and they both weep.

Next day they see the doctor and tell him how bad Alice was. He says that you cannot just give up alcohol suddenly and suggests a medical detox programme, reducing the alcohol intake gradually. This will mean that she is away from Chris, as it is a residential course. Alice cannot bear the thought of being away from Chris and says “you can’t make me go.” The doctor says it’s not just about her, as the risks for the baby are significant, so he might have to consider involving Child Services.

Alice says she’s scared, but Chris tells the doctor to sign her up. He replies that it could take some time, so Chris asks if it would help if they went private. The doctor says that “it will be a long and difficult road for both of you.” Alice just wants to get well and Chris calls her ‘brave’ and says he loves her. “I don’t know how you can” she tells him, in tears. He asks her to remember their wedding day in Vegas and how happy he (and indeed, she) was. He vows that they will get through this – she’s worth fighting for, so they will go private.

Moving on, it is with a heavy heart – and a smug ‘I told you this would happen’ expression that we return to the ‘Freddie and the Christmas Special’ story. On his way to Grey Gables (why? He keeps going on about how dead the place is, despite Oliver’s optimistic pronouncements, so do they really need him?) when he runs into Eddie. Eddie talks about the Christmas Show and asks Freddie when is the first rehearsal? Freddie replies that, after Lynda’s radio appeal, he has his cast complete, so there’s no part for Eddie. Eddie is outraged – he’s always taken part in previous years and has never had to audition or for a part before. As for Lynda’s radio appeal, Eddie didn’t hear it and knows nothing about it.

Freddie goes to see Lynda and tells her about Eddie’s attitude. Her view is that Freddie should try to find a place for Eddie – yes, he’s a Prima Donna; yes, he’s always the last to learn his lines “but he’s the glue that holds the cast together.” She says that if Freddie cannot find him a part, he might regret it. Freddie asks what can he do, and Lynda replies that he is the producer, so it’s down to him; “It’s not my place to interfere.” Just cancel the whole damn thing, Freddie – you can always go back to drug dealing.

Let’s end with the Fairbrothers. Rex is stressing because they have only six months to sort out the Hollowtree situation and he needs to find somewhere to house, feed and water his pigs. How can Toby be so relaxed – six months is nothing in farming, nor in gin distilling? Toby’s response is that he was thinking of giving up the gin distillery – apparently, Shires Brewery made him an offer earlier in the year to effectively buy the rights to Scruff’s gin, but he didn’t think the time was right, so he never pursued the offer. 

Now, however, Toby has become bored with the gin business and tells Rex that he’s minded to sell. He e-mailed the CEO of Shires and got an immediate response and an offer. The price has to be sorted out, but Toby drags his brother down to the pub, saying that he is buying the drinks.

Now, is it just me, or am I the only one to think that Toby deserves a right good slapping? He tells Rex not to worry – Toby’s mantra is that something will always turn up, but this Mr Micawber attitude really gets on my nerves, as Toby’s work ethic is, to be charitable, elastic. I would like Rex to win the Lottery, but in the week that specifies that you are not allowed to give any money to other members of your immediate family. In my opinion, Rex deserves some luck and Toby is a waste of space.

Ruairi Doubles His Chances

Arthur Hughes (Ruairi Donovan)

Last week was a landmark for Ruairi, as it was his 18^th birthday. To mark the occasion, Jennifer decided to throw a small dinner party; just her and Brian, Ruairi and Ben Archer. I didn’t quite catch what the main course was, although it had to be cooked for two days, or something equally silly, but the dessert was Knickerbocker Glory. Be still, my beating heart!

Apparently, the event was as exciting as it sounds, as, on the evening of the party, Johnny received a text from Ben, which said “Dinner party doing my head in. Need stronger booze NOW!!!” Never ones to turn down a friend in need, Johnny and Jazzer leave some bottles of Jazzer’s home brew near the garden gate. It seems that this concoction is quite drinkable, as well as having a kick like a mule. Johnny says that craft beer is all the rage nowadays and that Jazzer ought to sell it.

If Jazzer were to go into the brewing business, he’d have at least one customer, as Ben messages Johnny to say that Brian loved the beer and said he’d like to buy some for himself. Ben told Brian that the beer came from a micro brewery in Felpersham, while in actual fact Jazzer has been brewing it in one of Adam’s polytunnels.

Before we leave Johnny and Jazzer, there was an interesting cameo when Johnny was bemoaning the paucity of his lovelife. Jazzer says that the way to be successful with women is to find one who knows what she wants and go for it, as he has done with Jade, who is one of his milk round customers. Jazzer goes further, saying that he will take Johnny under his wing and they will go out on the pull later in the week. Johnny can learn from the master.

He is obviously a very quick learner, as a couple of days later, Johnny is knackered and explains to Jazzer that it is due to lack of sleep, as he went home with Jade and one thing led to another. “What? My Jade?” asks a scandalised Jazzer, to which Johnny replies that he was only following Jazzer’s advice. Will he be seeing her again? Johnny thinks it unlikely, as she never mentioned it. He apologises to Jazzer, but he didn’t think he and Jade were an item. 

Say what you like about Jazzer, but he’s not one to bear a grudge, or nurse a broken heart for any great length of time, as he says that Jade knows what she wants and it obviously isn’t him – it’s probably time he moved on and found someone else. Still, I bet he wishes that he had kept Johnny’s winning scratchcard now.

Earlier in the week, Ruairi and Ben have been despatched to find a specific set of crockery and glasses that Jennifer thinks will be ideal for her dinner party. Now I thought that, when the Aldridges moved out of Home Farm, they were downsizing, but I was obviously mistaken (either that or Jennifer has more dinner services than the average restaurant), as the boys have been looking for 20 minutes and still not found what they are looking for.

How can I be sure of the exact length of time? Easy – Ruairi took a call from his friend Troy and, when he returned to help Ben, the latter moaned that Ruairi had been on the phone for 20 minutes. Ruairi accuses Ben of being jealous of his friendship with Troy, but adds that there’s no need to worry, as Ruairi’s relationship with Troy is very different from his friendship with Ben. If Ben wants to know the truth, Troy is an Ex. No-one could accuse Ben of being lightning-quick on the uptake, as he asks “Ex what?” “My ex, idiot” Ruairi replies, adding that he knew that Ben would be OK with this revelation.

Ben is more than OK, as he describes it as “the best news ever” – when the two lads go out together, Ben will not have any competition when it comes to having his pick of the girls. Not so fast Ben! “I said I was bisexual, not gay” Ruairi tells his friend, adding that he might fancy a girl instead of a guy. “Now you’re just being greedy” Ben complains. That may well be the case, or perhaps Ruairi is working to the philosophy espoused by Woody Allen, who said ‘Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.’ Has Ruairi told anyone else? No, but he’s sure that Brian and Jennifer will be cool about it – look at Adam, after all.

We will return to Ruairi later, but first let us clear up a couple of other stories. Lynda is extremely disappointed at the village’s reaction to Freddie’s appeals for people to join the cast of the Christmas show. Apparently, even Alan has refused to take part and he has never ever refused Lynda in the past. Something has to be done, Lynda decides, and that something is for her to go on Susan’s radio show and, without putting too fine a point on it, for her to lay a guilt trip on the whole village and shame the inhabitants into taking part.

This is probably one of Lynda’s best-ever performances; her voice is weak and faltering as she relates how it was only the thought of the Christmas show that gave her the determination to get better after the explosion at Grey Gables. However, it seems that her hopes will be dashed, as everybody seems too busy. Surely, at times like this, community spirit assumes even greater importance as we all pull together?

The effect of this virtuoso performance can be seen when Jennifer tells Alice later that she must give Lynda a telephone call, as she wants to volunteer her services for the Yuletide extravaganza. I tell you; listening to Lynda’s speech damn near made me want to sign up, and you know what I think of Lynda’s festive offerings.

Over at Kirsty’s gaff, Helen has dropped in for a catch up. Kirsty reveals that she and Philip are considering upping sticks and moving to Wales. There is much talk along the lines of ‘I’ll miss you’, but Helen says it will be a great opportunity for Kirsty and Phil. Have they made an offer on anywhere yet? Kirsty says no – they will have to sell the Beechwood house first. Helen says that should not prove a problem, as Philip has done a great job inside the house and the garden is fantastic.

Helen says that whoever moves in would also have “the joy of Joy” as a neighbour, to which Kirsty replies that she’s not bad once you get to know her, and she would be a willing babysitter for anyone with a family. Now there’s an idea – why doesn’t Helen buy the house? After all, she’s always saying how nice it is and has said that she’d like to get away from her family at Bridge Farm. Not only that, but she could move Lee in. Whoa! Slow down, Helen says, but she admits that she is very interested in the idea. Of course, she’d have to redecorate totally and concrete over the garden, she teases Kirsty. This conversation was fuelled by a bottle of Prosecco, by the way.

Let’s return to Ruairi. A couple of days before the dinner party, he is opening his birthday cards. One, from his auntie Naimh in Ireland, contains a CD and a note explaining that the CD was recorded by Siobhan (Ruairi’s mother) who died when her son was four years old. Siobhan asked Naimh to send it to him for his 18^th birthday. This news affects Ruairi deeply and he is not sure how to react, as he has few memories of his mother. Is he ready to hear what she has to say, he wonders?

Next morning, after a sleepless night, Ruairi tells Brian about the CD, adding that he hasn’t played it yet. Brian is very unhappy about the whole thing and condemns Naimh for sending it. In fact, he wants to ring her to give her a piece of his mind, but he cannot find his address book. In vain does Ruairi protest that Brian will just make everything worse, but Brian is losing it big time and says that Naimh has never liked him. Let’s see – Brian had an affair with Siobhan and got her pregnant, all of which directly contributed to the breakdown of Siobhan’s marriage and an illegitimate son for Jennifer to rear. What’s not to like about that?

The noise of Brian and Ruairi arguing attracts Jennifer’s attention and she demands to know what’s going on? Ruairi explains and Brian tells his wife that it’s nothing for her to worry about and she doesn’t need to get involved. Jennifer’s answer to this is to tell Brian to go and peel the carrots for tonight’s meal, which he does, without a murmur.

Jenny calms Ruairi down and tells him that the CD is a wonderful gift from his mother, but she advises him not to play it until he feels he is ready. She reassures him that she will always love him and that will never change. It appears to be a bonding time for the Aldridges, as later on Alice tells her mother how, at the time that the story of Brian’s affair was revealed she (Alice) saw Jennifer leaning over the kitchen sink, sobbing and how much she (Alice again) hated both Siobhan and Brian. “So if you want to slag her – or him – off to me, I won’t mind.”

But that’s not in Jennifer’s nature. During the meal, Ruairi tells her that he thinks he is ready to listen to the CD now and he asks his stepmother to stay and listen with him. It is Siobhan’s voice – Ruairi is four years old and Siobhan says that he is so beautiful and he makes her laugh. She wonders what his life is like now – has he got a girlfriend, or even a boyfriend? She just hopes that he is happy. “Be whoever you need to be” she tells him from beyond the grave, adding that she loves him “fiercely”.

The CD ends with Siobhan saying “Happy birthday my darling boy – be happy my love” and Ruairi has to choke back a tear. The CD was exactly what he wanted to hear. “That was pretty amazing” he tells Jennifer, adding “I’m really glad you listened with me.” “I’m really glad too” Jennifer replies, tenderly.

Meanwhile, while this touching scene is being played out in Ruairi’s bedroom, down in the dining room Brian and Ben are rapidly getting blotto on Jazzer’s home-made beer, and the Knickerbocker Glories have melted…