The Human Scarecrow

 

Trevor Harrison (Eddie Grundy)

I think the Brookfield Archers are cursing the day that they found the Anglo Saxon coins on the farm, while of course they should be cursing their youngest son, the loose-lipped Ben, for spreading word of the find. Rooooth has just spent half an hour on the phone with a lady who has booked the Barn for an event a few months hence and who is worried about security – do they have secure parking with regular patrols of the car park? Are there fixed machine guns covering the entrance and exits? Is the minefield in working order?

Just as David explodes with anger – do these people think that there are thieves and criminals all over the farm, the phone rings – it’s Eddie; he’s up at Marneys and there’s a van parked outside – he reckons it’s the nighthawkers returned, looking for treasure. David says he’ll be right there, but it’s too late, as when he gets there the birds have flown. Eddie wishes he could do more to help, but he feels that the nighthawkers will not give up easily.

But wait a minute – perhaps there is something he can do; if he were to pose as one of the rogue detectorists, he might get some information on the nighthawkers, which he could pass on to David. David could then warn them off. Of course, to be convincing, he would need a metal detector – what about the one David found in the ditch the other day; that would be ideal? On top of this, Eddie suggests that, once the nighthawkers have been scared off, why doesn’t David agree to give Eddie the rights to search the land?

Now, I don’t know if David swallows all this guff – I suspect not, as the story is, as they say, ‘as thin as a Co-op blanket’ (not my phrase – apparently it is, or was, in common use among the bowling fraternity to describe a not very good shot) and you’d have to be as thick as a whale sandwich to be taken in by it. Certainly Rooooth finds the idea hilarious and calls it daft. But perhaps David is not as thick as all that, as he tells Rooooth “better the devil you know” and says that Eddie could be a deterrent “like a human scarecrow.” Cue more hysterical laughter from Rooooth. Actually, I do wonder whether there really was a van at Marneys in the first place, or whether the whole episode was a cunning ruse for Eddie to get his metal detector back, or is that too subtle? 

Chris and Alice featured prominently last week, including a two-hander for all of Wednesday’s episode. However, our story begins on Monday, when Alice presents her husband with a baby-gro. On the front is printed ‘I get my awesomeness from my dad’. Apparently there is no truth in the rumour that it also has ‘And I get my prodigious appetite for booze from my mum’ printed on the back. Just as the pair are getting all lovey-dovey, the doorbell rings and it’s Jennifer paying a visit. We have often commented in the past that she has an almost psychic ability to turn up like a gooseberry at the most inopportune moments. Tonight was one such and Chris says he’s going for a bath.

It must have been a long one, as he doesn’t emerge until Jenny is on the verge of leaving and she remarks that she is surprised that he isn’t all shrivelled and wrinkled, so long has he been in the soak. As Jennifer leaves, Chris is confronted by an ashen-faced Alice, who tells him that she is bleeding and she is terrified that she will lose the baby.

Rewinding an hour or so, while Chris was playing mermaids, Jennifer and Alice had a frank discussion, in which Jenny tells her daughter how she and Ruairi listened to the CD that Siobhan had made for her son’s 18^th birthday. It was very moving, with Siobhan talking from the heart and it showed how much she loved Ruairi. Any hate that Jenny had for Siobhan evaporated as she listened – Siobhan talked about her hopes for her son and Jennifer realised that she (Jen) had been lucky enough to see him develop into a fine young man, and just how much Siobhan had missed out on. On hearing this, Alice describes her mother as “amazing.”

But back to the possible miscarriage – the midwife could not arrange a scan right away, so they have to wait a while. Due to Covid restrictions, Chris was not allowed in the scan room and, as he tells Alice later, as they drive home, he has never been so scared in his life. Alice is very quiet and tells Chris not to be so nice to her – she doesn’t deserve it.

Bit by bit, the whole story of her alcoholism emerges and Chris is stunned and more than a little hurt; especially when Alice says that it has been going on for years and she has never really stopped drinking. Chris cannot understand how he could have missed it, plus he now realises that Emma had been telling the truth about Alice’s problem. Alice, too, is in a bit of a state and begs Chris to say something – what if she has hurt the baby, or it develops health problems? “I can’t do this on my own” she sobs, bursting into tears.

Next morning, Chris takes her some breakfast and says that he has scoured the house for alcohol and thrown it all away, as the only thing that matters now is the health of the baby. He spent the night on the sofa. Meanwhile, Alice is suffering with a bad case of the DTs and is shaking and sweating. She despises herself and tells him “You’re married to a disgusting, selfish, pathetic drunk!” He doesn’t contradict her.

Things go from bad to worse, as Alice is losing control. She tells Chris to lock her in the bathroom, as it is the only room in the house from which she cannot escape – I find this strange, as my bathroom is only lockable from inside – but Chris is loath to do this, until Alice’s begging convinces him that this is the only answer, so he does so.

Alice has told him not to let her out, whatever she might say, so he doesn’t, but she’s in agony, and so desperate for alcohol that she drinks some mouthwash – at least the baby will have fresh breath. This proves not to be a good idea, as she starts shouting; she’s hallucinating that the baby is talking to her and trying to escape from her body. She begs Chris to get her a drink – there is a miniature whisky in her handbag; this will be her last drink (they are seeing the doctor later). As Chris gives her the whisky, he breaks down, saying that he has let her down, and they both weep.

Next day they see the doctor and tell him how bad Alice was. He says that you cannot just give up alcohol suddenly and suggests a medical detox programme, reducing the alcohol intake gradually. This will mean that she is away from Chris, as it is a residential course. Alice cannot bear the thought of being away from Chris and says “you can’t make me go.” The doctor says it’s not just about her, as the risks for the baby are significant, so he might have to consider involving Child Services.

Alice says she’s scared, but Chris tells the doctor to sign her up. He replies that it could take some time, so Chris asks if it would help if they went private. The doctor says that “it will be a long and difficult road for both of you.” Alice just wants to get well and Chris calls her ‘brave’ and says he loves her. “I don’t know how you can” she tells him, in tears. He asks her to remember their wedding day in Vegas and how happy he (and indeed, she) was. He vows that they will get through this – she’s worth fighting for, so they will go private.

Moving on, it is with a heavy heart – and a smug ‘I told you this would happen’ expression that we return to the ‘Freddie and the Christmas Special’ story. On his way to Grey Gables (why? He keeps going on about how dead the place is, despite Oliver’s optimistic pronouncements, so do they really need him?) when he runs into Eddie. Eddie talks about the Christmas Show and asks Freddie when is the first rehearsal? Freddie replies that, after Lynda’s radio appeal, he has his cast complete, so there’s no part for Eddie. Eddie is outraged – he’s always taken part in previous years and has never had to audition or for a part before. As for Lynda’s radio appeal, Eddie didn’t hear it and knows nothing about it.

Freddie goes to see Lynda and tells her about Eddie’s attitude. Her view is that Freddie should try to find a place for Eddie – yes, he’s a Prima Donna; yes, he’s always the last to learn his lines “but he’s the glue that holds the cast together.” She says that if Freddie cannot find him a part, he might regret it. Freddie asks what can he do, and Lynda replies that he is the producer, so it’s down to him; “It’s not my place to interfere.” Just cancel the whole damn thing, Freddie – you can always go back to drug dealing.

Let’s end with the Fairbrothers. Rex is stressing because they have only six months to sort out the Hollowtree situation and he needs to find somewhere to house, feed and water his pigs. How can Toby be so relaxed – six months is nothing in farming, nor in gin distilling? Toby’s response is that he was thinking of giving up the gin distillery – apparently, Shires Brewery made him an offer earlier in the year to effectively buy the rights to Scruff’s gin, but he didn’t think the time was right, so he never pursued the offer. 

Now, however, Toby has become bored with the gin business and tells Rex that he’s minded to sell. He e-mailed the CEO of Shires and got an immediate response and an offer. The price has to be sorted out, but Toby drags his brother down to the pub, saying that he is buying the drinks.

Now, is it just me, or am I the only one to think that Toby deserves a right good slapping? He tells Rex not to worry – Toby’s mantra is that something will always turn up, but this Mr Micawber attitude really gets on my nerves, as Toby’s work ethic is, to be charitable, elastic. I would like Rex to win the Lottery, but in the week that specifies that you are not allowed to give any money to other members of your immediate family. In my opinion, Rex deserves some luck and Toby is a waste of space.