Marry In Haste

William Troughton (Tom Archer)

Much of last week’s episodes was taken up by the contrast between the attitudes of Tom and Helen towards love and romance. Take Tom first - Tuesday was his 38^thbirthday and he invited the whole family (well, the immediate family, not the entire Archer clan, round his for dinner). Tony was grumbling (‘surely not?’ I hear you gasp in astonishment) because Pat wants him to wear a tie. Going on past performances, she’s bloody lucky he was wearing a shirt; still, Tom did tell Tony that he wanted to make it a night to remember, so perhaps his dad wearing a tie ticks that particular box.

As Pat ties Tony’s tie - an act that amply demonstrates how familiar he is with this item of apparel - he complains that he is starving and Pat begs him to try and make Tom’s birthday a happy one. She should have added ‘That means keeping your gob shut’ but she didn’t. So Pat, Tony and Helen turn up at Tom’s, where Johnny is surreptitiously gobbling down the peanuts that he is supposed to be putting out for the other guests. It turns out that Natasha is stuck in traffic and by this stage, Tony is eating his tie (only joking - he’s sucking it actually).

Tom brings in the starters (cold meat and dips) and Johnny observes that Tom is continually checking his watch; “acting like a nervous bridegroom waiting at the altar”, as Johnny put it. This is especially tactless, as Tom left his bride-to-be Kirsty in just that position not that long ago. Tom, however, doesn’t recognise the irony and he bursts out laughing, saying: “I didn’t mean to make it so obvious - Natasha and I are engaged!” The reaction to this from the family is one of stunned silence. Belatedly, Pat and Helen say “congratulations” in voices conspicuously lacking in sincerity, while Tony, diplomatic as ever, says “But you hardly know her.” We can assume he wasn’t talking about ‘knowing’ in the biblical sense.

Tony keeps on digging himself into a pit by saying “Are you sure about this Tom?” to which his son says “Yes!”, adding that he cannot understand why everyone is being so negative. “I love Natasha and I’m going to marry her” he tells them, before going to answer the door, which we assume is Natasha, as Tom says that they can get ready to toast the bride-to-be. “Has he gone mad?” Tony asks, adding that what does this means for the future of Bridge Farm? We also learn that the happy couple are getting married on Friday (it is Natasha’s birthday and there was a cancellation at the Register Office). Pat worries that they cannot possibly organise a wedding at such short notice, but Tom has assured them that everything has been taken care of. More cold meat and dips on the menu, no doubt. 

At Grange Farm, Eddie and Clarrie talk about what a wonderful night the family had at the singalong Sound of Music evening. “We did Nic’s memory proud” Eddie says, while they discuss how lovely the kids looked in their von Trapp family costumes. They also discuss how they are going to have to tell Joe that they will not be able to pay the rent on Grange Farm after Ed and Emma move out and so will have to move. Better get a move on - should Joe come home to find the doors locked and the house empty, he won’t be best pleased. They decide to sweeten the pill by giving in to Joe’s request for cottage pie (doesn’t take much, does it?).

Meanwhile, things get worse, as Eddie’s van gives up the ghost on the way to a job - he forgot to get the timing belt adjusted and he reckons it will cost £1,500 for a new engine. Clarrie ends up as his chauffeuse, but this is far from ideal. Eddie’s son Ed is working on a job with Tim, who offers to buy Ed lunch at The Bull. Tim makes it clear that he will pay and nips out to make a phone call.

Back home, Ed explains to a morose and annoyed Emma that a) he didn’t buy the meal (they are trying to save money) and, when he says that Tim paid b) he (Ed) won’t have to buy Tim lunch next time, as Tim is an OK guy. Right on cue, Ed receives a text from Tim, asking if Ed can meet him at Grange Farm. Tim duly turns up with a van, which he says will be good for Eddie, after a bit of TLC. He wants £200 for it and a joyful Ed goes off to find his father. Tim talks to Emma (it is the first time they have met) and describes her as “intelligent and beautiful”. Oh, and by the way, a mate of his wants to cut down a tree at the bottom of his garden and could Emma help with finding whether or not it has a Tree Protection Order against it? Emma thanks Tim for being such a friend to Ed, and now, to the rest of the family and insists that he stays for tea. “It’s very simple, but there’s plenty to go round” she says - Masterchef, eat your heart out.

I must admit that I am becoming increasingly concerned about the influence of Tim over the Grundy family; I accept that there are some people who are motivated purely by kindness and a willingness to act in a generous and unselfish manner - after all, Neil and I are two such shining examples - but it all seems too good to be true and I would hate for Ed and Emma (and yes, I know she isn’t my favourite person) to be on the receiving end of yet another (metaphorical or otherwise) knee in the goolies and maybe lose out on the new house. Perhaps Tim is a closet Texel rustler, or a loan shark, reeling Ed in to a mounting spiral of debt by demanding repayment for these little favours at extortionate rates of interest. I really hope not, as Ed has had more than his fair share of ill fortune.

‘Enough of this,’ I hear you scream, ‘what about Joe and the cottage pie?’ Clarrie and Eddie ask him if he enjoyed it, to which he answered that he had two helpings, didn’t he? “What’s going on?” he asks, adding “You’ve been acting strange.” This begs the question how can you tell? but Clarrie and Eddie nervously broach the subject of not being able to stay at Grange Farm. Joe, in one of the longest speeches that I think I have ever heard him make (and, incidentally, with the fewest grammatical errors) tells them that he suspected as much and he is perfectly satisfied with the time that he has spent at Grange Farm. Of course, he will be disappointed to leave, but this time last year they were mourning the loss of Nic and it has taught him “that family is all that matters at the end of the day; nothing more than that.” I did wonder if this soliloquy is preparing us for Joe’s imminent demise - after all, just before Nigel met his end, we had an implausibly-protracted scream. Should Joe shuffle off this mortal coil, his estate, such as it is, could help delay Clarrie and Eddie’s departure from Grange Farm for a month or two.

Let’s look at a few of the other stories. Jennifer drags Alice out on the track towards Home Farm farmhouse - Jen wants to see what they have made of her garden, plus she also wants to seek out the dog statue so beloved by Ruairi and which she loathed with a passion. She soon trips over the head of the statue, which appears to have been decapitated and thrown into a neighbouring field, and she is devastated by what the Gills have done to the garden (i.e. they have trashed it). We have said before, Jennifer, you cannot sell someone your house and ask them to keep the roses pruned.

Jennifer and Alice take refuge with Adam and Ian for a cuppa, although Adam and Ian are having their own problem; Ian wants to fly out and see Lexi (who has texted that her morning sickness is getting worse) while Adam agrees, but points out that he is spending 20 hours a day in the lambing shed, four hours a day on arable, two hours on admin and sleeping for the remaining time. However, he tells Jennifer that he and Ian have agreed that family comes first.

At The Bull, Jolene finds out that Kenton (or, rather, Ben and Ruairi) have uploaded her singing at the pub on Facebook and she is quickly smitten by the complimentary comments she is receiving - so much so that Kenton has to drag her away from answering all the messages. It isn’t long, however, before the Internet trolls start getting in on the act (“get back to the care home, grandma”) and Kenton takes her phone away, as she is replying to them. From what we hear towards the end of the week, this story will continue over the following week. 

Pip is working on the farm and has delegated care of Rosie to Toby. He turns up and tells her that he has a fantastic opportunity - a supermarket buyer has agreed to talk to him today on one of her infrequent visits to Borchester and it’s too good a chance to miss. Rex, says Toby, is looking after Rosie and Toby will be back soon after lunch. Pip (probably hoping that this could get her her £5k loan back from Toby) agrees and gets on with her farm work. Later on, Pip turns up at the bungalow, to find Bert Fry looking after Rosie. Pip had rung Rex to see if Rosie was OK, only to discover that Rex didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. While Pip is there, Toby turns up and tells Pip that the buyer wasn’t interested in Scruff Gin, but obviously fancied Toby. “And did you sleep with her?” Pip asked, adding: ”I’d hate the day to have been a complete waste of time.” We never heard Toby’s answer. 

Susan called in on Alice, who was busy preparing a presentation for work, and didn’t take notice of such subtle hints as “I’m rather busy”, although, to be fair, Susan wouldn’t recognise such unsubtle hints as ‘sod off, you interfering cow.’ There was talk about babies (Susan reckons that Natasha must be pregnant “Or why else the shotgun wedding?” “Perhaps they’re in love?” Alice suggests). To cut a long story short, Susan apologises, as Alice thinks that she is dropping hints about babies. “You and Chris will know when - indeed, if - the time is right” Susan tells her daughter-in-law.

Back in paragraph one, we mentioned the contrast between Tom and Helen, regarding romance. Helen, being quizzed by Pat, says that she and Lee are taking it slowly. Pat is helping Helen arrange her hair (great radio, guys - what with that and Tony‘s tie, I wonder that she has any time to spend on the farm). Helen gets ready to go to Lee’s flat, telling her mother that she has got all the essentials - keys, purse, lipstick, Viagra (you never know) and condoms (best to be safe) - ok, two of these are false - and she gets ready for a romantic evening. Earlier on, Helen bridled at a comment from Emma that she has put Rob behind her. Helen insists he is history. The evening progresses nicely - the meal is good and Lee has prepared a special musical playlist for her. The pair are enjoying a passionate kiss when a new track starts playing - the track during which Rob raped Helen and also when she stabbed her husband. Helen screams for him to turn it off and he can’t understand her reaction as she runs out, shouting hysterically “I can’t do this!” Looks like the condom wasn’t necessary.