Karma With Bells On – Almost

Mali Harries (Natasha)

No doubt about the major event of the week, but let’s pass over Susan’s dinner party for the moment and concentrate instead on the marriage of Tom and Natasha. The early omens were inauspicious, as Tom had great difficulty in finding someone to be his best man. Firstly, Roy pulled out, as he had an important corporate event at Grey Gables and apparently there was no-one on the staff that he trusted to delegate to.

Roy suggested Jazzer, but he’s working, then Hannah, but she’s unavailable, as is Ed Grundy. Eddie volunteered his services, but Tom decided that there are limits. We were wondering if Tom would have to resort to Derek Fletcher, or one of the other non-speaking characters, which would have made for an interesting best man’s speech, but in the end, Tom decided on Johnny. Johnny was unsure if he was up to the job, but Tom persuaded him to accept.

There’s no doubt that the unseemly haste of the forthcoming nuptials has caused a number of upsets and considerable inconvenience. Tony is worried because they will be welcoming Natasha into the family and they barely know her. ”Tom barely knows her” Tony tells Pat. No doubt Tony is a bit miffed because there hasn’t been time to organise a DBS check on Natasha’s background. Incidentally, when it comes to barelyknowing, Tom’s been there. Frequently

Tom has a bit of a bombshell for his housemates, Johnny and Hannah, as he tells them that he and Natasha have nowhere to live and would it be ok if she moved in for a bit? They agree, somewhat reluctantly on Johnny’s part, and later on he asks Hannah if she really is ok with it. She replies that she has made another massive mistake and we learn that she is carrying a torch for Tom and she accepts, albeit reluctantly, that she has missed her chance.

Fast forward to the day of the wedding. Pat moans at Tony to get ready; he has been out getting the Anguses ready to go - as he reminds Pat, wedding or not, they do still have a farm to run. Pat seems to think that Tony won’t get changed, or have a shave - we know that he isn’t the snappiest dresser or the most sociable of people, but give him credit for a certain level of social grace, Pat, - the man isn’t a total muppet. Close, I grant you, but not a total waste of space. Just as Tony is getting ready to get changed, there is a knock on the door. What now, for heaven’s sake, Tony asks? Hasn’t he got enough to put up with? To his consternation, it is Natasha, who has a favour to ask her future father-in-law (and it’s not ‘will you have a wash and a shave, please?’)

Natasha’s problem is that her parents’ car has broken down and, although they are on their way, they may be late for the ceremony, so would Tony drive her to the Register Office and will he walk her in for the ceremony - she’d like a strong presence? “How can I say no?” Tony asks. ‘You are getting changed?’ she asks. No she doesn’t - I lied, but it would have been good if she had.

This wedding seems dogged by bad luck - hardly a good omen for the future, one might think - as Tony’s car is caught in traffic and the pair are in danger of being late. Natasha seizes the opportunity to have a serious talk with Tony - “I know you think this is all mad” she says “No, no” Tony replies, lying through his teeth. Natasha confides that she wouldn’t have been surprised if Tony had refused to walk her in, as she and Tom have only known each other for such a short time. She shares that she had been in a bad relationship for a long time and the thing that made her fall in love with Tom was a pre-frontal lobotomy - sorry, that’s a lie; it was when he revealed something that could have scuppered the whole relationship and she appreciated his honesty.

“Honesty is very important” Tony tells her, as his nose grows ever longer. Natasha then says that she is really fond of Tony and the rest of the family, and she can really see her future as part of the family. CEO, MD and Matriarch is my guess. Tony says that he did have concerns about the speed of the wedding (the same way that Chamberlain ‘had concerns’ about Germany) but he can see that they make each other happy “and that’s good enough for me.” Careful Tony - that nose will end up entangled with the clutch pedal.

Talking about Natasha’s interest in Bridge Farm, there was a (possibly significant) comment from Tom the day before, when he is trying to explain to Johnny how he knew Natasha was the one for him. “When she said we should get married,” says Tom, “I didn’t hesitate.” Zut alors, Inspector! So the marriage was Natasha’s idea, not Tom’s? Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but I submit that the girl bears watching.

Anyway, the traffic begins to move and we switch to the Register office, where Kenton and David are wondering just where the bride-to-be might be? It should be noted that Natasha has been trying to message Tom, but he has told everyone to turn their phones off and he did likewise. It is now that this week’s title comes into its own, as Kenton tells David “Tom being left at the altar - wouldn’t that be Karma with bells on?” And it’s only taken us just shy of 1,000 words to get to this explanation.

You will be thrilled (or not) to know that the couple exchanged vows; Natasha’s parents managed to see some of the ceremony, so we will never know if they would have intervened at the ‘If any man knows just cause or impediment why these two etc., etc.’ and the reception at The Bull is going ahead nicely. Tom asks ‘Mrs Archer’ if she wants a dance and Natasha agrees. Pat leaps in, asking if her new daughter-in-law isn’t keeping her own name? Why should she Pat - you didn’t? Natasha replies that, as she told Tony, she really feels part of the family.

As the happy couple dance and then cut the cake, Tony (who has been absent, along with Johnny, looking after the Anguses again) tells Pat that he had a heart-to-heart with Natasha in the car “and I’m sure they really love each other”, to which Pat reveals that Tony is not the only miserable sod in the Bridge Farm branch of the Archer clan when she replies “I’m sure they do - I just hope that love is enough.” Well, it’s a start, Pat - be happy for them.

In paragraph one, we mentioned Susan Carter’s dinner party for Brian and Jennifer. It was originally going to include Roy and Kirsty, but they both managed to manufacture excuses (I think Kirsty was washing her hair and Roy found he had to unexpectedly watch television) so Chris and Alice were called on as subs. The original dynamic was interesting - Susan was frazzled (and who wouldn’t be when their ’Horseradish Snow’ starter was way behind schedule?). Brian predicts that the night will be a disaster and Jen begs him not to spoil it for Alice and Chris, who are “so looking forward to it.” Wrong! Alice isn’t happy and Chris tells her to regard it as killing two birds with one stone - with a bit of luck, both sets of parents will not feel the need to have them for a meal any time soon.

As it turns out, Brian is quite the life and soul of the party, saying that, when he heard about the speed of Tom’s wedding “I thought Natasha had got him pregnant.” (oh, how we laughed!). This steers the conversation towards babies and, while Jen doesn’t actually say ’are you getting it regularly, Alice?’ she does ask her daughter what are her thoughts of starting a family? Alice could legitimately have replied that looking at the Aldridges she would rather stick knitting needles in her eyes, but Chris headed off the conversation and the party comes to an end.

Alice and Chris vow that they will never do anything like this again and Brian and Jennifer agree that it was better than they expected. Being as their expectations were way below zero, that’s not saying much. Neil, who got stuck into the wine and brandy, fell asleep in the chair, and Susan told her guests “I’ll be having words with him.” If I were wed to Susan, drunk would be my default mode. 

Speaking about the dysfunctional Aldridge family, Justin is regretting the decision to invite Kate to stay at the Dower House. Not only does he find Lilian cleaning up a mess Kate made with the blender (Kate had to be off somewhere) but Kate threw him out of the sitting room so she could meditate (it seems her room isn’t conducive.) He also points out that they are eating out a lot more (four times in six nights). Lilian agrees that Kate is taking advantage (surely not?) and when Justin says that Kate needs to be given notice (“For the sake of our finances, waistlines, relationship and sanity”) Lilian agrees to tell Kate to jog on somewhere else. Good luck with that, Lilian.

Excitement mounts at Lower Loxley (and it is ‘Loxley‘, not ‘Locksley’ Zoe - see me afterwards) at Freddie’s imminent release from stir. Kenton, however, is about to put, not so much a spanner, but more a tool kit, in the works when he tells Lily that, if they want to get Lower Loxley’s alcohol licence back, the solicitor says not having Freddie living there would be a massive plus point. Lily says “no way!” and adds that they have managed without it so far. Kenton, no doubt wanting to grip her ears and bang her head on the desk says “no you haven’t”. Later on, Elizabeth turns up and Kenton thinks this would be a good time to discuss Freddie’s homecoming (or, rather, lack of it).

I don’t know what reaction Kenton was expecting, but if it was ‘yes Kenton; you’re absolutely right - let the little sod find somewhere else’ then he is wide of the mark. Elizabeth is horrified, saying; “that boy’s been through hell“, conveniently omitting the words ‘largely self-inflicted’. Kenton tries to explain that, business-wise, Lower Loxley is balancing on a knife edge and “if we don’t get the licence back, it could go under.” Liz refuses to abandon Freddie and says “so be it - before it was a business Lower Loxley is our home. Freddie belongs here and that’s my final word.” Not going to phone a friend then, Liz?

Finally, we have two quick observations: 1. Tony is having trouble with the Montys which he describes as ’cantankerous’, but Johnny has no problems with them, which indicates that French cows are more intelligent than Anguses. 2. Jolene’s new-found Internet fame has encouraged her to perform ‘an evening of country classics’. That means it’s sure gonna be a short gig, pardners.