I Think Russ Is Up To Something

Andonis James Anthony (Russ Jones)

It wasn’t a good start to the week for Russ, as he had a falling out with Kenton, as the latter wanted him to wear the Easter Bunny costume at Lower Loxley’s forthcoming Easter Egg eggstravaganza. Russ refused point blank and goes off to help Lily clean up Freddie’s room. Freddie will be back next week and Russ is a tad worried, as he is sure that Freddie won’t like the fact that Russ is living at Lower Loxley. Russ suggests that he and Lily go out somewhere for a break, but no can do, as Lily reveals that she has an interview at the call centre that afternoon and was hoping Russ would drive her. Good of her to tell him.

He does so, moaning all the time about Kenton and the Easter Bunny – he cannot believe that Kenton even asked him. For his part, Kenton thinks that, as Russ is living rent-free at Lower Loxley, prancing around in a bunny costume is the least he can do to help make the day a success. Russ’s mood is not improved when Lily tells him that she passed the interview and begins training tomorrow. I’ve said it before – there’s something about Ambridge women and jobs; they go for an interview and it’s only seconds before they are given a job. First Alice and now Lily. Of course, it doesn’t apply to all Ambridge females, as Kate continually demonstrates that she’s a complete waste of space.

On Friday, Elizabeth asks Russ for a favour – her therapist has suggested that she tries to get out a bit. She has had an invitation from a friend who is opening a café and is having a soiree (invitation only) to mark the occasion. Would Russ mind awfully if she took Lily along? Russ tells her that he doesn’t mind and she and Lily should go and enjoy themselves.

Ah! The best-laid plans and all that – it turns out that Lily absolutely smashed her sales target (of course she did) and it is a tradition at the company that the best-performing sales person buys the first round when they all go off for a drink after work. As such, Lily won’t be available for the soiree. Russ to the rescue! He drives Elizabeth, who tells him how grateful she is, then spoils it a bit by tactlessly saying that it’s good for Lily to spend time with people of her own age. Russ lets this pass and congratulates Lizzie on the fact that she is “challenging herself” by going out.

In fact, Elizabeth is enjoying herself and she and Russ indulge in a little harmless banter. Russ tells her that she is doing very well – Lily would be so proud of her – and Elizabeth replies “you’re part of our family now Russ.” She also adds that she will have “a firm word” with Kenton about the Bunny costume. No need, as Russ has decided to do the bunny gig – it is for Lower Loxley, after all and, much as Russ hates to admit it, Kenton was right – besides, Russ says that nothing would irritate Kenton more than Russ being the best Easter Bunny in the county. With all this mutual admiration between Russ and Elizabeth, I did wonder briefly whether the couple would eventually end up as an item – after all, they are better suited, age-wise – but then Russ told Elizabeth that “I love your daughter very much.” Pity, really, it would be interesting to see Freddie’s reaction to having Russ as a stepfather. I don’t think Lily would be too chuffed, either. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that Russ has some ulterior motive. Time will tell.

Someone else with an ulterior motive was Peggy, who is desperate for Kate and Alice to stop being at daggers drawn and, if not actually becoming friends, then at least enjoying a state of armed neutrality. Peggy invites Alice over for lunch, assuring her that Kate will be elsewhere. You little fibber, Peggy! Alice is horrified when Kate turns up and, to be honest, Kate isn’t that pleased, either. Triumphantly, Peggy tells them to go to the kitchen and prepare something for lunch, leaving them to it. “And we’ll all eat together” Peggy says. A few minutes later, she is back in the kitchen, asking what all the raised voices are about (Alice just accused Kate of being responsible for the loss of the farmhouse, while Kate retorted that it wasn’t she that poisoned the Am). Peggy appeals for calm, but Alice storms out. “Drama Queen!” Kate calls after her. Things could have gone better, Peggy.

Peggy’s not the only fibber in the village, as Helen, who is trying to avoid running into Lee, told Henry that he couldn’t go to karate, as it has been cancelled. However, Keira blew the gaff by saying how good it had been and Henry shouted “I hate you!” at his mother. Helen eventually agreed to let Emma take Henry in future and it turned out that she needn’t have bothered anyway, as Lee is ‘having a few weeks off’ and the class was taken by Bryn. Helen smoothed things over with Henry by saying that she obviously misread an e-mail and got the wrong end of the stick. Helen deflects Emma’s enquiries about how things went with Lee by saying that she’s too busy with the cows and the cheese for karate. In private, she tells Henry that she loves him and Jack and that they are enough for her.

It looks like Jolene might be on a nice little earner, as she is contacted by an impresario, who’d like her to join a three-week country and western tour as a backing singer. Jolene is keen, but how would Kenton cope with running the pub? (‘very badly’ is my guess). He encourages her to take up the offer, telling her that they will manage. Jolene is over the moon, yelling “Jolene Archer is going on tour!” Steady on woman, you are going as a backing singer, remember and not as the star.

Be that as it may, Jolene and Kenton could certainly use a cash injection, as David has spent a long time trying to pin Kenton down for a discussion about re-starting the loan repayments. With his dislocated finger precluding him from heavy farm work, David can devote more hours to tracking down his sibling and Kenton is running out of places to hide. David’s quest is made more urgent by the fact that the new automatic milking parlour is up and running at Brookfield and it cost the farm a lot of money to buy and install.

Regarding the opening of the parlour, there was no formal ceremony (thank God – had there been, no doubt Bert would have composed a poem) and we learn that it is working like a dream and has shaved off an hour from the milking time. This, however, isn’t enough to stop Pip from falling asleep in front of the TV.

On Friday, Toby is at Rickyard and Pip remarks that he seems to have brought some more of his things from the bungalow. Toby’s response is that it doesn’t make sense for him to keep schlepping back to Bert’s when most of his stuff is at Rickyard anyway. Pip counters by saying that his stuff is at Rickyard because he keeps bringing it here and, if he’s not going back to Bert’s, then that means he’s living at Rickyard, which he definitely isn’t. “You make it sound like it’s a bad idea” says Toby, in a hurt voice, to which Pip replies that it is a bad idea – they’ve been here before and it didn’t work.

Toby argues that things are different now that they have Rosie to consider, but Pip asks “what if you wanted to bring a girl back here?” “I’d go to her place” Toby replies and Pip tries again “What if I wanted to bring someone back?” There are numerous ways of reacting to a statement like this and Toby’s choice is not the most diplomatic. First he sniggered, then he made remarks like “where would you find time? You change from one set of grubby work clothes straight into another” and “when do you ever go out?” Toby is saved from death or maiming by a knock at the door and escapes to answer it. “This discussion is not over” Pip warns him.

The visitor is Alan, the vicar, and he and Toby stand there looking bemused at each other before Toby belatedly lets him in after he says he’d like to talk to Toby and Pip. It turns out that Robin Fairbrother (Toby’s dad) called Alan about arrangements for Rosie’s christening, which he thinks should be sooner, rather than later. As Alan prattles on, the vacant looks on Pip and Toby’s faces make him realise that they haven’t the faintest idea of what he’s on about. Eventually Alan asks if either of them are interested in having Rosie christened – has it ever crossed their minds? The short answer is “no” and Alan leaves in some confusion, saying that he’ll leave them to it. Pip is almost speechless and tells Toby that he had better ring Robin and ask what is he playing at? “What is your dad on?” she asks. Toby, meanwhile is musing about whether a christening might be a good idea, as a great way to welcome Rosie into the world. Pip is not convinced – neither of them have any religious convictions, after all. I reckon the real reason that she is against it is that a christening would reveal that Rosie’s full name is Rosie, Ruth, Grace Archer and the third Christian name would drive Jill to apoplexy. Stick to your principles, Pip and, while you’re at it, make Toby take his stuff back to the bungalow.

Speaking of Jill, she seems to be getting on famously with Leonard, who, we learned last week, has quite a talent when it comes to painting pictures. He is certainly well-mannered and a gentleman; Rooooth booked Jill in for a makeover session with Natasha, although Jill protested that Natasha would have her work cut out with someone of Jill’s age. Nonsense, says Natasha – Jill has wonderful skin and super hair and, by all accounts, the makeover is a great success. “You’re beautiful” breathes Leonard, racking up yet more brownie points. Leonard was also struck when a baby lamb was brought into the kitchen and put in the oven to warm up – he had no idea of what goes on on a working farm.

Speaking of Natasha, I can’t make up my mind – she seems nice, and intelligent (marrying Tom was an aberration, obviously) but is she a bad influence? She takes Tom to a dinner party at some friends’ house, where all the other guests are high flyers. She and Tom leave after the meal – and Tom is buzzing - these people have such great ideas. One thing he is sure of – his clever, beautiful wife deserves a beautiful home, so sod the flat over the shop in Ambridge “Let’s take the Penny Hassett house – it will be worth every penny!” I hope your, slightly drunken, gob isn’t writing cheques that your bank balance can’t cash, Tom.

Be Honest - Would You Give Kate A Home?

Perdita Avery (Kate Madikane)

Kate has been ousted from the Dower House and is looking for somewhere to live. A conversation with daughter Phoebe gives her an idea for a cunning plan - Phoebe says that she is taking Peggy shopping that afternoon, but Kate leaps in, saying that Phoebe should be getting on with her studying for her finals and that she (Kate) will take Peggy.

Things do not start well when Peggy tells her to slow down, as she’d like to get to the supermarket in one piece. On the way, Kate tells Peggy that she went to see Chris earlier and then she was Skyping Noluthando, who suggested that Peggy might ask Kate to move into the Lodge with her. Peggy may be in her 90s, but she’s nobody’s fool and just says “oh good, we’ve arrived”. Kate makes another error when she suggests that Peggy rides one of the electric wheelchairs to allow them to get round quicker and Peggy replies - rather waspishly - that if Kate hasn’t the patience to go round the shop at Peggy’s own pace, then she should have let Phoebe take her shopping.

The pair have a cream tea together and Peggy dismays her granddaughter by saying that this could be just the boost Kate needs to get a home of her own. Kate also admits that she lied to Peggy - she didn’t actually visit Chris and Nolly didn’t suggest that Kate and Peg lived together. However, Kate doesn’t see that lying is such a big deal, and she’s sure that Nolly would have suggested living together if Kate had actually Skyped her. Peggy says “no” firmly and, twisting the knife, tells Kate to get the bill while Peggy goes to the Ladies.

Kate responds in her usual fashion, by going awol for a couple of days and, astonishingly, this causes worry for Jen, Peggy and Phoebe. Why? Out of sight, out of mind, I say. Kate misses a Home Farm partnership meeting, much to Adam’s annoyance, as he wanted to pitch his Aquaponics idea (which essentially seems to be growing salad crops in water, in which fish are swimming) to the rest of the family.

Next day, Adam comes across Kate - I believe in the farm office - where she is wearing a face mask, eating chocolates that Ian gave Adam for Valentine’s Day and drinking scotch that she found in Brian’s desk. She is totally unrepentant about the chocolates and more than a little pissed and Adam drags her off to help him check on the ewes. Because she missed the meeting, Adam tells her all about Aquaponics and isn’t pleased when she rubbishes the idea. “Even Brian found something positive to say” he says, peevishly. He then asks her if her face is supposed to be that colour and, horrified, Kate realises that she should only have had the face mask on for half an hour. As she is frantically scrubbing her face and feeling angry with the world in general and sorry for herself in particular, Adam tells her that she’s a grown woman (physically, maybe) and not a stray puppy. Also, perhaps she should ask herself why nobody is keen to help her. Well said, Adam, but then he goes and spoils it by saying that she can stay at Honeysuckle Cottage for a few days while Ian is in Bulgaria, visiting Lexi. You wuss, Adam.

Peggy is also having second thoughts and goes to see Kate, saying that she may have been hasty - maybe they can come to some arrangement. Kate is ecstatic, but her delight is tempered somewhat when Peggy says let’s talk about conditions. “Conditions?” Kate asks, in a voice heavy with suspicion.

Peggy says that her offer would be for Kate to have a room in her home - not treat the place like an hotel. Also, the pair would eat meals together, with no sloping off by Kate to eat in her room (who knew that Peggy was a masochist?). Kate would also have to do her own housekeeping. But the main worry for Peggy is the attitude between Kate and Alice and she’d like to see a rapprochement. Kate says no way - Alice blames her for the loss of the farmhouse and says that she’d rather clean out Hilda’s cat litter tray. Peggy says that that’s a shame - the deal’s off. Alarmed, Kate says that, if Alice says something nice to her, Kate will regard what’s happened as water under the bridge. “It’s a start, perhaps” Peggy concedes.

There is more - Peggy reminds Kate of her offer to clean out Hilda’s litter tray and talks about rent. Kate protests that Spiritual Home isn’t doing very well at the moment, but Peggy magnanimously says that she will accept half rent until things get better. Kate picks up Hilda Ogden, who doesn’t lacerate her and who purrs. Peggy remarks on this and Kate describes Hilda and her as “kindred spirits”, which is yet another thing to hold against Kate. I reckon you might rue this day, Peggy.

Let us turn now to Susan, or ‘skate mouth’ as she is known in these parts. First her good side - she recognises that Mia is worried about something (she has just started her periods) and Susan gets Emma to go and have a talk with her about it. Emma does so and does a really good job, putting Mia’s mind at ease and showing her the kind of products that she might need. Emma also underlines the importance of chocolate to women at this time of the month - something which cheers Mia up considerably. Mia says how much she misses Nic, upon which Emma solemnly promises that she will always be there for Mia and Poppy.

Now to Susan’s less attractive side. Natasha goes for a wander round the village and ends up in the shop, where Susan is serving. After a few sycophantic comments about the wedding, Susan says how nice it must be for Bridge Farm to have some good news after what happened between Helen and Rob. Natasha is mystified and Susan says that surely she’s heard about what happened? The answer is obviously ‘no’, so Susan, instead of suggesting that Natasha asks Tom, proceeds to tell her the whole story. Earlier, Susan had told Natasha that the shop was “the hub of our little community” and, if Natasha wants to know anything about what’s going on, she should ask Susan, who describes herself as “CIA - Central Intelligence Ambridge.” Normally, I am dead against TLAs (three letter acronyms) but I’m sure our readers could come up with something more apt for CIA (keep them clean, please).

It hasn’t taken long for Natasha and Tom to have a disagreement - they are opening wedding presents and they have two sets of knives. Never mind, says Tom, Helen has said that they can leave presents with her, as there’s no room at No. 1 The Green. Natasha wonders whether this might be a tad insensitive given Helen’s history and tells him about her experience with Susan. Tom suggests that Natasha was ferreting around for gossip about the Archer family - an accusation that she vehemently denies.

Talking of Tom’s insensitivity, he tells Helen that he and Natasha have been discussing the future and it makes sense if they build a bungalow on the farm somewhere. Not for him and Natasha - they would move into the farmhouse and Pat and Tony would occupy the bungalow. Natasha points out that this takes no account of where Helen and the boys would live and it makes her look bad, as she will be classed as the bad guy in all this - hardly out of her wedding dress and taking over the family home. Tom protests that he was only thinking out loud - no Tom, you weren’t thinking at all, mate.

This happened again when Will turns up at No. 1 The Green, to find Hannah amidst a sea of wedding presents. In answer to Will’s question, she confirms that yes, Natasha has moved in. Will (who owns No. 1) dryly remarks that it would have been nice to have been informed and goes on to tell Hannah that he is sorry, but it looks as though the tenancy will have to end in the summer, anyway, as when Ed and Emma move out of Grange Farm, Eddie, Clarrie and Joe will be “looking for something more manageable” (ie cheaper). Hannah agrees to tell the others and adds “I’m feeling the need to move on myself, if I’m honest.” You have to hand it to Tom - everyone he gets involved with seems to end up damaged in some way, which bodes ill for Natasha if she isn’t careful.

Jolene’s singing appearance at The Bull goes down a storm, with Richard Thwaite sitting smack in the middle of the front row, with his tongue hanging out from all accounts. I thought Sabrina Thwaite was the local glamour girl, so why’s he lusting after Jolene?

At Lower Loxley, Lily feels rejected when her mother refuses to go for a walk with her, but is later spotted out walking with Russ. Lily is frustrated by Elizabeth’s apparent lack of progress, but Russ suggests that perhaps she is expecting too much and Elizabeth is improving, but at her own pace. Whatever, Lily is dissatisfied and Rex suggests that she takes on a job - he knows some people who work in a tele-marketing set-up (“you mean a call centre?” Lily says) and he could put in a good word for her. She agrees. Failing that, Lily, there’s always Lexi’s old job at the chicken factory.

We turn now to Brookfield, where David and Rooooth are sorting out the ewes for lambing. David manages to catch his finger in a ewe’s fleece and dislocates his finger, entailing a lift to A&E from Rooooth (she missed the farm partnership meeting too - expect a call from Adam to discuss Aquaponics, Rooooth) and Pip being woken up to take over lambing. Now, David has form in this - when Rooooth was away in New Zealand, finding herself, he broke his arm. Is this a cunning ploy to get time off when the going gets busy? Perhaps Brookfield should employ its own Paramedic.

The relationship between Helen and Lee hit a new low last week. Lee eventually managed to track her down and asks why is she avoiding him. She denies this, but he is confused - he thought she liked him; what isn’t she telling him? Is there someone else? Helen, getting more and more upset, says “Yes; there’s always been someone else and always will be. Is that enough, or do you need more?” There is a pause and Lee replies, quietly, “No, that’s enough” and we hear the sound of footsteps and the shop door closing as he leaves, upon which Helen breaks down and sobs. Come on guys - get it together for God’s sake.

Finally, Neil and I were discussing Rev. Franks’ ‘Pay for a favour’ idea for Lent, which seems to be going well. We wondered what favours various villagers might offer (for example, Kate might offer to go back to South Africa - we’d all chip in for that) but we were really stumped when it came to Tracy - what favours could she possibly offer - and, equally perplexing, how much would she charge?

Karma With Bells On – Almost

Mali Harries (Natasha)

No doubt about the major event of the week, but let’s pass over Susan’s dinner party for the moment and concentrate instead on the marriage of Tom and Natasha. The early omens were inauspicious, as Tom had great difficulty in finding someone to be his best man. Firstly, Roy pulled out, as he had an important corporate event at Grey Gables and apparently there was no-one on the staff that he trusted to delegate to.

Roy suggested Jazzer, but he’s working, then Hannah, but she’s unavailable, as is Ed Grundy. Eddie volunteered his services, but Tom decided that there are limits. We were wondering if Tom would have to resort to Derek Fletcher, or one of the other non-speaking characters, which would have made for an interesting best man’s speech, but in the end, Tom decided on Johnny. Johnny was unsure if he was up to the job, but Tom persuaded him to accept.

There’s no doubt that the unseemly haste of the forthcoming nuptials has caused a number of upsets and considerable inconvenience. Tony is worried because they will be welcoming Natasha into the family and they barely know her. ”Tom barely knows her” Tony tells Pat. No doubt Tony is a bit miffed because there hasn’t been time to organise a DBS check on Natasha’s background. Incidentally, when it comes to barelyknowing, Tom’s been there. Frequently

Tom has a bit of a bombshell for his housemates, Johnny and Hannah, as he tells them that he and Natasha have nowhere to live and would it be ok if she moved in for a bit? They agree, somewhat reluctantly on Johnny’s part, and later on he asks Hannah if she really is ok with it. She replies that she has made another massive mistake and we learn that she is carrying a torch for Tom and she accepts, albeit reluctantly, that she has missed her chance.

Fast forward to the day of the wedding. Pat moans at Tony to get ready; he has been out getting the Anguses ready to go - as he reminds Pat, wedding or not, they do still have a farm to run. Pat seems to think that Tony won’t get changed, or have a shave - we know that he isn’t the snappiest dresser or the most sociable of people, but give him credit for a certain level of social grace, Pat, - the man isn’t a total muppet. Close, I grant you, but not a total waste of space. Just as Tony is getting ready to get changed, there is a knock on the door. What now, for heaven’s sake, Tony asks? Hasn’t he got enough to put up with? To his consternation, it is Natasha, who has a favour to ask her future father-in-law (and it’s not ‘will you have a wash and a shave, please?’)

Natasha’s problem is that her parents’ car has broken down and, although they are on their way, they may be late for the ceremony, so would Tony drive her to the Register Office and will he walk her in for the ceremony - she’d like a strong presence? “How can I say no?” Tony asks. ‘You are getting changed?’ she asks. No she doesn’t - I lied, but it would have been good if she had.

This wedding seems dogged by bad luck - hardly a good omen for the future, one might think - as Tony’s car is caught in traffic and the pair are in danger of being late. Natasha seizes the opportunity to have a serious talk with Tony - “I know you think this is all mad” she says “No, no” Tony replies, lying through his teeth. Natasha confides that she wouldn’t have been surprised if Tony had refused to walk her in, as she and Tom have only known each other for such a short time. She shares that she had been in a bad relationship for a long time and the thing that made her fall in love with Tom was a pre-frontal lobotomy - sorry, that’s a lie; it was when he revealed something that could have scuppered the whole relationship and she appreciated his honesty.

“Honesty is very important” Tony tells her, as his nose grows ever longer. Natasha then says that she is really fond of Tony and the rest of the family, and she can really see her future as part of the family. CEO, MD and Matriarch is my guess. Tony says that he did have concerns about the speed of the wedding (the same way that Chamberlain ‘had concerns’ about Germany) but he can see that they make each other happy “and that’s good enough for me.” Careful Tony - that nose will end up entangled with the clutch pedal.

Talking about Natasha’s interest in Bridge Farm, there was a (possibly significant) comment from Tom the day before, when he is trying to explain to Johnny how he knew Natasha was the one for him. “When she said we should get married,” says Tom, “I didn’t hesitate.” Zut alors, Inspector! So the marriage was Natasha’s idea, not Tom’s? Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but I submit that the girl bears watching.

Anyway, the traffic begins to move and we switch to the Register office, where Kenton and David are wondering just where the bride-to-be might be? It should be noted that Natasha has been trying to message Tom, but he has told everyone to turn their phones off and he did likewise. It is now that this week’s title comes into its own, as Kenton tells David “Tom being left at the altar - wouldn’t that be Karma with bells on?” And it’s only taken us just shy of 1,000 words to get to this explanation.

You will be thrilled (or not) to know that the couple exchanged vows; Natasha’s parents managed to see some of the ceremony, so we will never know if they would have intervened at the ‘If any man knows just cause or impediment why these two etc., etc.’ and the reception at The Bull is going ahead nicely. Tom asks ‘Mrs Archer’ if she wants a dance and Natasha agrees. Pat leaps in, asking if her new daughter-in-law isn’t keeping her own name? Why should she Pat - you didn’t? Natasha replies that, as she told Tony, she really feels part of the family.

As the happy couple dance and then cut the cake, Tony (who has been absent, along with Johnny, looking after the Anguses again) tells Pat that he had a heart-to-heart with Natasha in the car “and I’m sure they really love each other”, to which Pat reveals that Tony is not the only miserable sod in the Bridge Farm branch of the Archer clan when she replies “I’m sure they do - I just hope that love is enough.” Well, it’s a start, Pat - be happy for them.

In paragraph one, we mentioned Susan Carter’s dinner party for Brian and Jennifer. It was originally going to include Roy and Kirsty, but they both managed to manufacture excuses (I think Kirsty was washing her hair and Roy found he had to unexpectedly watch television) so Chris and Alice were called on as subs. The original dynamic was interesting - Susan was frazzled (and who wouldn’t be when their ’Horseradish Snow’ starter was way behind schedule?). Brian predicts that the night will be a disaster and Jen begs him not to spoil it for Alice and Chris, who are “so looking forward to it.” Wrong! Alice isn’t happy and Chris tells her to regard it as killing two birds with one stone - with a bit of luck, both sets of parents will not feel the need to have them for a meal any time soon.

As it turns out, Brian is quite the life and soul of the party, saying that, when he heard about the speed of Tom’s wedding “I thought Natasha had got him pregnant.” (oh, how we laughed!). This steers the conversation towards babies and, while Jen doesn’t actually say ’are you getting it regularly, Alice?’ she does ask her daughter what are her thoughts of starting a family? Alice could legitimately have replied that looking at the Aldridges she would rather stick knitting needles in her eyes, but Chris headed off the conversation and the party comes to an end.

Alice and Chris vow that they will never do anything like this again and Brian and Jennifer agree that it was better than they expected. Being as their expectations were way below zero, that’s not saying much. Neil, who got stuck into the wine and brandy, fell asleep in the chair, and Susan told her guests “I’ll be having words with him.” If I were wed to Susan, drunk would be my default mode. 

Speaking about the dysfunctional Aldridge family, Justin is regretting the decision to invite Kate to stay at the Dower House. Not only does he find Lilian cleaning up a mess Kate made with the blender (Kate had to be off somewhere) but Kate threw him out of the sitting room so she could meditate (it seems her room isn’t conducive.) He also points out that they are eating out a lot more (four times in six nights). Lilian agrees that Kate is taking advantage (surely not?) and when Justin says that Kate needs to be given notice (“For the sake of our finances, waistlines, relationship and sanity”) Lilian agrees to tell Kate to jog on somewhere else. Good luck with that, Lilian.

Excitement mounts at Lower Loxley (and it is ‘Loxley‘, not ‘Locksley’ Zoe - see me afterwards) at Freddie’s imminent release from stir. Kenton, however, is about to put, not so much a spanner, but more a tool kit, in the works when he tells Lily that, if they want to get Lower Loxley’s alcohol licence back, the solicitor says not having Freddie living there would be a massive plus point. Lily says “no way!” and adds that they have managed without it so far. Kenton, no doubt wanting to grip her ears and bang her head on the desk says “no you haven’t”. Later on, Elizabeth turns up and Kenton thinks this would be a good time to discuss Freddie’s homecoming (or, rather, lack of it).

I don’t know what reaction Kenton was expecting, but if it was ‘yes Kenton; you’re absolutely right - let the little sod find somewhere else’ then he is wide of the mark. Elizabeth is horrified, saying; “that boy’s been through hell“, conveniently omitting the words ‘largely self-inflicted’. Kenton tries to explain that, business-wise, Lower Loxley is balancing on a knife edge and “if we don’t get the licence back, it could go under.” Liz refuses to abandon Freddie and says “so be it - before it was a business Lower Loxley is our home. Freddie belongs here and that’s my final word.” Not going to phone a friend then, Liz?

Finally, we have two quick observations: 1. Tony is having trouble with the Montys which he describes as ’cantankerous’, but Johnny has no problems with them, which indicates that French cows are more intelligent than Anguses. 2. Jolene’s new-found Internet fame has encouraged her to perform ‘an evening of country classics’. That means it’s sure gonna be a short gig, pardners.

Marry In Haste

William Troughton (Tom Archer)

Much of last week’s episodes was taken up by the contrast between the attitudes of Tom and Helen towards love and romance. Take Tom first - Tuesday was his 38^thbirthday and he invited the whole family (well, the immediate family, not the entire Archer clan, round his for dinner). Tony was grumbling (‘surely not?’ I hear you gasp in astonishment) because Pat wants him to wear a tie. Going on past performances, she’s bloody lucky he was wearing a shirt; still, Tom did tell Tony that he wanted to make it a night to remember, so perhaps his dad wearing a tie ticks that particular box.

As Pat ties Tony’s tie - an act that amply demonstrates how familiar he is with this item of apparel - he complains that he is starving and Pat begs him to try and make Tom’s birthday a happy one. She should have added ‘That means keeping your gob shut’ but she didn’t. So Pat, Tony and Helen turn up at Tom’s, where Johnny is surreptitiously gobbling down the peanuts that he is supposed to be putting out for the other guests. It turns out that Natasha is stuck in traffic and by this stage, Tony is eating his tie (only joking - he’s sucking it actually).

Tom brings in the starters (cold meat and dips) and Johnny observes that Tom is continually checking his watch; “acting like a nervous bridegroom waiting at the altar”, as Johnny put it. This is especially tactless, as Tom left his bride-to-be Kirsty in just that position not that long ago. Tom, however, doesn’t recognise the irony and he bursts out laughing, saying: “I didn’t mean to make it so obvious - Natasha and I are engaged!” The reaction to this from the family is one of stunned silence. Belatedly, Pat and Helen say “congratulations” in voices conspicuously lacking in sincerity, while Tony, diplomatic as ever, says “But you hardly know her.” We can assume he wasn’t talking about ‘knowing’ in the biblical sense.

Tony keeps on digging himself into a pit by saying “Are you sure about this Tom?” to which his son says “Yes!”, adding that he cannot understand why everyone is being so negative. “I love Natasha and I’m going to marry her” he tells them, before going to answer the door, which we assume is Natasha, as Tom says that they can get ready to toast the bride-to-be. “Has he gone mad?” Tony asks, adding that what does this means for the future of Bridge Farm? We also learn that the happy couple are getting married on Friday (it is Natasha’s birthday and there was a cancellation at the Register Office). Pat worries that they cannot possibly organise a wedding at such short notice, but Tom has assured them that everything has been taken care of. More cold meat and dips on the menu, no doubt. 

At Grange Farm, Eddie and Clarrie talk about what a wonderful night the family had at the singalong Sound of Music evening. “We did Nic’s memory proud” Eddie says, while they discuss how lovely the kids looked in their von Trapp family costumes. They also discuss how they are going to have to tell Joe that they will not be able to pay the rent on Grange Farm after Ed and Emma move out and so will have to move. Better get a move on - should Joe come home to find the doors locked and the house empty, he won’t be best pleased. They decide to sweeten the pill by giving in to Joe’s request for cottage pie (doesn’t take much, does it?).

Meanwhile, things get worse, as Eddie’s van gives up the ghost on the way to a job - he forgot to get the timing belt adjusted and he reckons it will cost £1,500 for a new engine. Clarrie ends up as his chauffeuse, but this is far from ideal. Eddie’s son Ed is working on a job with Tim, who offers to buy Ed lunch at The Bull. Tim makes it clear that he will pay and nips out to make a phone call.

Back home, Ed explains to a morose and annoyed Emma that a) he didn’t buy the meal (they are trying to save money) and, when he says that Tim paid b) he (Ed) won’t have to buy Tim lunch next time, as Tim is an OK guy. Right on cue, Ed receives a text from Tim, asking if Ed can meet him at Grange Farm. Tim duly turns up with a van, which he says will be good for Eddie, after a bit of TLC. He wants £200 for it and a joyful Ed goes off to find his father. Tim talks to Emma (it is the first time they have met) and describes her as “intelligent and beautiful”. Oh, and by the way, a mate of his wants to cut down a tree at the bottom of his garden and could Emma help with finding whether or not it has a Tree Protection Order against it? Emma thanks Tim for being such a friend to Ed, and now, to the rest of the family and insists that he stays for tea. “It’s very simple, but there’s plenty to go round” she says - Masterchef, eat your heart out.

I must admit that I am becoming increasingly concerned about the influence of Tim over the Grundy family; I accept that there are some people who are motivated purely by kindness and a willingness to act in a generous and unselfish manner - after all, Neil and I are two such shining examples - but it all seems too good to be true and I would hate for Ed and Emma (and yes, I know she isn’t my favourite person) to be on the receiving end of yet another (metaphorical or otherwise) knee in the goolies and maybe lose out on the new house. Perhaps Tim is a closet Texel rustler, or a loan shark, reeling Ed in to a mounting spiral of debt by demanding repayment for these little favours at extortionate rates of interest. I really hope not, as Ed has had more than his fair share of ill fortune.

‘Enough of this,’ I hear you scream, ‘what about Joe and the cottage pie?’ Clarrie and Eddie ask him if he enjoyed it, to which he answered that he had two helpings, didn’t he? “What’s going on?” he asks, adding “You’ve been acting strange.” This begs the question how can you tell? but Clarrie and Eddie nervously broach the subject of not being able to stay at Grange Farm. Joe, in one of the longest speeches that I think I have ever heard him make (and, incidentally, with the fewest grammatical errors) tells them that he suspected as much and he is perfectly satisfied with the time that he has spent at Grange Farm. Of course, he will be disappointed to leave, but this time last year they were mourning the loss of Nic and it has taught him “that family is all that matters at the end of the day; nothing more than that.” I did wonder if this soliloquy is preparing us for Joe’s imminent demise - after all, just before Nigel met his end, we had an implausibly-protracted scream. Should Joe shuffle off this mortal coil, his estate, such as it is, could help delay Clarrie and Eddie’s departure from Grange Farm for a month or two.

Let’s look at a few of the other stories. Jennifer drags Alice out on the track towards Home Farm farmhouse - Jen wants to see what they have made of her garden, plus she also wants to seek out the dog statue so beloved by Ruairi and which she loathed with a passion. She soon trips over the head of the statue, which appears to have been decapitated and thrown into a neighbouring field, and she is devastated by what the Gills have done to the garden (i.e. they have trashed it). We have said before, Jennifer, you cannot sell someone your house and ask them to keep the roses pruned.

Jennifer and Alice take refuge with Adam and Ian for a cuppa, although Adam and Ian are having their own problem; Ian wants to fly out and see Lexi (who has texted that her morning sickness is getting worse) while Adam agrees, but points out that he is spending 20 hours a day in the lambing shed, four hours a day on arable, two hours on admin and sleeping for the remaining time. However, he tells Jennifer that he and Ian have agreed that family comes first.

At The Bull, Jolene finds out that Kenton (or, rather, Ben and Ruairi) have uploaded her singing at the pub on Facebook and she is quickly smitten by the complimentary comments she is receiving - so much so that Kenton has to drag her away from answering all the messages. It isn’t long, however, before the Internet trolls start getting in on the act (“get back to the care home, grandma”) and Kenton takes her phone away, as she is replying to them. From what we hear towards the end of the week, this story will continue over the following week. 

Pip is working on the farm and has delegated care of Rosie to Toby. He turns up and tells her that he has a fantastic opportunity - a supermarket buyer has agreed to talk to him today on one of her infrequent visits to Borchester and it’s too good a chance to miss. Rex, says Toby, is looking after Rosie and Toby will be back soon after lunch. Pip (probably hoping that this could get her her £5k loan back from Toby) agrees and gets on with her farm work. Later on, Pip turns up at the bungalow, to find Bert Fry looking after Rosie. Pip had rung Rex to see if Rosie was OK, only to discover that Rex didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. While Pip is there, Toby turns up and tells Pip that the buyer wasn’t interested in Scruff Gin, but obviously fancied Toby. “And did you sleep with her?” Pip asked, adding: ”I’d hate the day to have been a complete waste of time.” We never heard Toby’s answer. 

Susan called in on Alice, who was busy preparing a presentation for work, and didn’t take notice of such subtle hints as “I’m rather busy”, although, to be fair, Susan wouldn’t recognise such unsubtle hints as ‘sod off, you interfering cow.’ There was talk about babies (Susan reckons that Natasha must be pregnant “Or why else the shotgun wedding?” “Perhaps they’re in love?” Alice suggests). To cut a long story short, Susan apologises, as Alice thinks that she is dropping hints about babies. “You and Chris will know when - indeed, if - the time is right” Susan tells her daughter-in-law.

Back in paragraph one, we mentioned the contrast between Tom and Helen, regarding romance. Helen, being quizzed by Pat, says that she and Lee are taking it slowly. Pat is helping Helen arrange her hair (great radio, guys - what with that and Tony‘s tie, I wonder that she has any time to spend on the farm). Helen gets ready to go to Lee’s flat, telling her mother that she has got all the essentials - keys, purse, lipstick, Viagra (you never know) and condoms (best to be safe) - ok, two of these are false - and she gets ready for a romantic evening. Earlier on, Helen bridled at a comment from Emma that she has put Rob behind her. Helen insists he is history. The evening progresses nicely - the meal is good and Lee has prepared a special musical playlist for her. The pair are enjoying a passionate kiss when a new track starts playing - the track during which Rob raped Helen and also when she stabbed her husband. Helen screams for him to turn it off and he can’t understand her reaction as she runs out, shouting hysterically “I can’t do this!” Looks like the condom wasn’t necessary.