(Some Of The) Village vs PC Burns

James Cartwright (Harrison Burns)

Poor Harrison - he maintains he was only doing his duty when he collared Freddie, pointing out that there were numerous other coppers around on his Stag Night and Freddie was not exactly the soul of discretion. In fact, he was only just short of setting up a stall and yelling “Come and get ‘em - uppers, downers, ecstasy - roll up!” PCB would, as he said, have been in dereliction of duty had he not arrested Freddie.

Opinion amongst the Archers is divided; most of them couldn’t give a toss, although there are sharply polarised views among others. For example, Helen thinks Freddie warrants a slight smack on the wrist, while Peggy is preparing the gallows, just in case. Elsewhere, Lily is looking to buy her mother a present for being so understanding (more details later) and Jolene suggests the Tea Room, where Fallon has some nice knick-knacks. Lily goes there and Fallon asks her why didn’t she tell Harrison that she wouldn’t be turning up for cricket last Sunday?

Lily is stroppy from the outset and says that she doesn’t think that PCB had the right to arrest Freddie, as he was on his Stag Night, plus he was dressed in women’s clothes. Let’s hope that a) Lily isn’t going to study Law at Uni and, if she is, then b) that she never gets appointed to defend me. Fallon replies that her husband is a police officer and was only doing his job and he cannot be expected to protect Freddie from his own stupidity - he took a risk and he got caught. Lily retaliates by saying that Freddie is a good person and his whole future is at stake. No doubt Harold Shipman’s family thought he was an OK guy, but a jury thought otherwise.

An annoyed Fallon goes to The Bull and she is angry - why should PCB be getting the flak? Jolene says the consequences could be huge, and Kenton wades in with “Yes, he could go to prison.” Fallon points out that it was Freddie’s choice and an argument starts, with Kenton saying that PCB made the wrong decision - Kenton went to see Freddie and he was very low; the whole thing is ridiculous. Fallon has had enough and, after Jolene has got between them, as the argument is getting heated and customers are looking, Fallon demands that Kenton apologises. No way, Pedro! On hearing this, Fallon says that neither she nor PCB will set foot in the pub until he does apologise and, oh yes, the cricket team will be holding its end of season knees up in the Tea Room and not The Bull.

“Well, that went well” says Jolene, but an unrepentant Kenton says that Freddie made a mistake and PCB should have used his common sense and now Freddie could end up paying for it for the rest of his life. Well, like the man who spilt creosote on his cornflakes, I was deeply moved, but let me say where I stand on this issue, as they say in Dragons’ Den. Dealing drugs is against The Law - whatever your attitude towards drugs, that is an incontrovertible fact. Secondly (and if for no other reason, Freddie deserves to go down for this) he dealt drugs at a party where there were an awful lot of policemen and he did so in an ostentatious manner, to the extent where Toby was beating him off with refusals to purchase uppers. Yes Freddie made a mistake - he is Nigel’s son, after all - but would Kenton be so forgiving if Freddie had stabbed someone in a moment of anger (‘Come on Judge - he could suffer for the rest of his life’) or run over a pedestrian (OK, I agree that, if it were Matt, that could count as extenuating circumstances)? 

Let’s go back to Lily – she gets a call from Russ and turns as white as a sheet, telling her mother that Russ has told his wife about her. It just gets better and better for Elizabeth, as Russ decides that his wife needs some space, so he turns up at Lower Loxley. Lily immediately invites him to stay, taking Lizzie’s consent for granted – Russ can have Freddie’s room. After all, Freddie won’t be needing it for a while; quite a long while if he gets a stroppy judge. Elizabeth must have looked stunned, as Lily says that if that’s not acceptable, she and Russ could always get a hotel. Lizzie agrees to the Lower Loxley option, no doubt partly because she knows who’d end up paying for the hotel.

On Wednesday, Elizabeth sets the day aside for some mother and daughter quality time, shopping for stuff for Lily’s flat in Manchester. As they are about to leave, Russ turns up and says he’d like to join them. “We’d love you to” beams Lily, pre-empting her mother again. It turns out that Russ has rather expensive tastes, saying that you can’t beat the feel of Egyptian cotton sheets. Elizabeth, who is paying for this spree, says that Lily can take some from Lower Loxley, but Russ (who obviously has no problems spending someone else’s money) says that new ones are so much better. Oh, and don’t forget the Ming vase for the lounge, Lizzie.

This is all adding pressure on Lizzie’s shoulders and she confides in Kenton about what her daughter is up to. The wisdom of doing this is demonstrated when Kenton says that Russ ought to be thrown out and he’ll gladly do it. Elizabeth gently points out that this is hardly the way to keep Lily onside and she is afraid that she could lose both her children in quick succession. Kenton wonders if Russ has acted illegally and anyway, he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. “Somebody ought to do something about it” he tells his sister, darkly. What’s the betting that that someone is Kenton and he causes a major rift in the Pargetter family?

On Friday, Russ is eating some vile concoction that he has put together, containing oatmeal, boiled eggs and smoked fish (I may have missed out some ingredients, such as cat’s urine and old boots). Elizabeth comes into the room. “What’s that disgusting smell?” she asks and promptly opens a window. She goes to see Freddie, who is bored, bored, bored – regard it as preparation for a life inside, Freddie – and he is surprised by the fact that Russ has told his wife. Where is he living now? On being told that Russ is in Freddie’s room at home, he blows his top and sets Elizabeth off crying, upon which Freddie apologises for upsetting her.

But, could there be a serpent entering Russ and Lily’s Eden? The pair are together at Lower Loxley and Russ’s mobile keeps ringing. Lily asks him why doesn’t he answer it and he replies that it’s just the college Principal – apparently someone has made an allegation about him but there’s no point calling back until Monday. Lily worries and Russ says “Relax; everything’s going to be fine.”

However, Lily is not convinced – what happens if Russ were to lose his job? No problem, as he says he has always felt caged in and he doesn’t want a desk job; he’s an artist and wants to channel his energy into his art, his true self. Lily is obviously a lot more practical and asks “But how would we manage financially?” Russ reassures her that, if necessary, they could exist on eating beans from a tin and foraging for food in a forest. I don’t know how many forests there are near Manchester, and besides, becoming a full- time hunter/gatherer could seriously interfere with Lily’s studying. It is worth mentioning that Russ is cooking lamb shanks when this conversation takes place – presumably in the future they will have to rustle the sheep. “What we have together is far more important than any sum of money” he tells her, earnestly. Oh yeah? Try telling that to the landlord when the rent is due.

Is this the beginning of Lily’s awakening and first step on the road to seeing Russ for what he really is – a deluded fool who is prepared to sponge off Lily (or, more likely, Elizabeth?). Let’s hope so.

It’s a big day in the Grundy household, as it’s Poppy’s first day at school and Will is driving himself slowly demented, worrying that he has got everything right. There is a crisis over her shoes – he got dark blue ones instead of black; what if she is horsewhipped for flouting the dress code? Clarrie looks into it and says that the dress code is ‘dark shoes’, so stop worrying. Then there is her school bag, which, apart from the usual pens, pencils etc., contains a spare set of clothes (“What if she gets cold?”) and, for all I know, a scuba diving outfit (“What if there’s a flash flood?”).

As it turned out, Poppy went into school OK – “She didn’t even look back” says Will, a mite wistfully – and enjoyed herself hugely, even comforting some of the less confident children and winning a gold star for being helpful. I hate to tell you this Poppy, but it’s all downhill from here on – don’t expect a gold star every day.

It was Jack’s first day at Nursery as well, and Helen and Will meet at the school gates and discuss how difficult it is to let go of your children. Helen even gives Will a tissue to mop up a tear.

Helen has fallen out with Tom over the latter allowing Henry to play computer games half the night, as she rations him to 10 minutes every February 29^th. The siblings make it up eventually and we are subjected to Tom’s latest ideas from the Nuffield farmers’ group. After Kefir and the other fermented product, whose name I forget, we now have agro-forestry, which entails growing trees such as apple with crops between them. This is met with a wave of apathy and antipathy, with Johnny saying that it doesn’t sound like proper farming to him and Helen saying that it will only get them into debt. “Sorry Tom, it’s a non-starter for me.” Ah well, back to the drawing board, Tom.

Alistair is really getting into his running and Jim is overcome with guilt, as he feels that he could have been a better father over the years. Alistair’s birthday is coming up and he’d like to do something to mark it. What does Jazzer think of throwing a party? Not much, is the answer, as few of the Archers would attend. OK then, could Jazzer find out what Alistair might like? Jim wants it to be a surprise, so he tells Jazzer “to use all your subtlety.” Jazzer, who probably couldn’t spell ‘subtlety’ if you gave him a dictionary, answers “Oh aye – I’m the king of subtlety.”

When questioning Alistair, Jazzer is horrified to hear that Alistair has never had a birthday party in his life – indeed, he’d rather let the day pass unremarked. The irate Scotsman berates Jim for never celebrating his son’s birthday and says not to bother, as he (Jazzer) will take charge of arranging Alistair’s surprise. I suspect alcohol will feature somewhere.

Finally, I fear for the mental health of Brian Aldridge, as Jennifer tells Lilian that he is spending a lot of time with Joe Grundy. Much of this is in The Bull, so no doubt Brian is spending a lot of money too. Joe tells him that the Flower and Produce Show is a cut-throat business and you need a cunning strategy to thwart your opponents. Quick – someone rescue Brian before he starts growing his own vegetables or making his own cakes.