Got A Taste For Porridge, Freddie?

Toby Laurence (Freddie Pargetter)

Freddie spends the beginning of the week closeted in his bedroom, seeing nobody and going nowhere. On Sunday, Shula tries to tempt him out for a ride, but he’s not interested, saying that he’s going back upstairs. He also implores Shula not to tell Elizabeth (who is coming over to see her son later) how down and despondent he was on Friday - it was a one-off he tells his aunt, Shula thinks that it would be better to come clean, but eventually reluctantly agrees to keep quiet.

When Elizabeth does turn up, Shula suggests to her that it might do Freddie good to get away from Ambridge for the day - how about Felpersham? “Or even Birmingham” says Lizzie, thoughtfully. When Freddie comes to greet her, she tells him that they are going to Birmingham and they go to the Sea Life Centre. Freddie had forgotten how amazing the place was and there are happy memories of going there as a child, with Lizzie, Nigel and Lily. Where can they go next? Lizzie suggests tenpin bowling and Freddie agrees enthusiastically.

He beats his mother easily and says that he’s starving. Lizzie says that she’s missing Lily, but Freddie is sure that his sister will see sense eventually. “The key thing is to learn from your mistakes - like I’m trying to do” Freddie tells his mother, and she replies that she is so pleased to hear him say that. But enough about Lily, says Freddie; he’s still starving and could murder a burger and a shake - his treat. “After all, there’s no point saving, is there? Live for today and all that!” “Absolutely!” Elizabeth agrees.

We should have mentioned that Freddie finally gave in to Elizabeth’s drip, drip, drip nagging and agreed to go and see Usha and change his statement, admitting that he has dealt drugs before and grassing up Ellis as his supplier. It was, as he tells his mother on the phone, a traumatic experience and he’s still shaking. Ellis, it would seem, has already been dragged in by the police, but we hear no more of what has happened to him. Elizabeth tells Freddie how proud she is of him and they agree to watch some movies together.

On Thursday, he and Elizabeth are in the village shop, choosing films to look at for the evening. Susan, behind the counter, says that she will pay for them, as she’s been in Freddie’s position and knows what he’s going through. “Good luck for tomorrow” she tells Freddie, who seems genuinely touched. “That was kind of her, wasn’t it?” Freddie asks his mother and she agrees. I must admit that the note of surprise in his voice was echoed in my thoughts.

Elizabeth has a surprise for Freddie, as she drives him back to Lower Loxley in defiance of his bail conditions, as she wants him to have one night in his own bed (lucky that Russ has gone to Manchester with Lily). Freddie ends up on the back seat, hidden under a blanket as he is smuggled into the stately pile, calling Elizabeth “amazing” and adding “you’re the best mum in the world!” Wouldn’t it have been a jolly jape if they found PC Burns there, who had just turned up to wish Elizabeth all the best for the sentencing tomorrow? Unfortunately he wasn’t there and Lizzie (and Freddie) got away with it.

There was one moment that I found amusing - when Elizabeth was on the phone to Freddie, she asks him if he has had breakfast. He replies that he has had some porridge and I thought ‘Good, get used to it.’ And, indeed, that turns out to be the case, as, at the Sentencing hearing, the Judge takes a dim view of Freddie’s crime and sentences him to a year in a young offenders’ institution. She also had some harsh things to say, including that the only reason that Freddie dealt drugs was for “self gratification” (presumably if he’d been doing it for pure financial gain, that wouldn’t have been so bad). Furthermore, he was “reckless and uncaring of the consequences for his victims.” “I’m sorry mum, I’m sorry!” shouts Freddie, as he is led away. “I love you Freddie!” Elizabeth shouts back.

Driving back to Lower Loxley with Shula, Elizabeth is blaming herself, telling her sister that she has lost both her children. Shula says that Lily will come round soon (especially when money gets tight, I would suggest) and that Elizabeth will be able to visit Freddie. “I don’t even know where they are taking him!” Lizzie wails, but Shula reassures her that someone will tell her soon - and it’s true that criminals are hardly ever spirited away to serve time in unnamed prisons, nowadays. Not in the UK, anyway.

Shula also points out that Usha reckons that Freddie will be out in six months. “That’s an eternity!” gasps Elizabeth. No it isn’t - listening to one of Bert Fry’s poems, or hearing Tom banging on about, in chronological order, Ready Meals, then fermented foods and, now, the benefits of agro-forestry - that’s an eternity. Lizzie says that Freddie is too soft and he’ll never cope. Don’t worry Liz - give Freddie a month or so and he could well be the leading drugs baron of the institution, coining it in hand over fist.

Elizabeth is in full self-blame mode and tells Shula that she should never have made Freddie tell the police about Ellis. ”I’ve made things worse, haven’t I? Now he’s in prison and it’s all my fault.”

Emma is trying to drum up enthusiasm for an adult karate class and asks Lynda if she might be interested? Lynda declines, as she’s much too busy “which is why I won’t be doing the panto this year.” Oh yes - we’ve heard it all before; our hopes have been raised and then, at the eleventh hour, Lynda reappears like the Demon King and takes charge - you don’t fool us, scriptwriters; not again. 

But perhaps I do the writers an injustice, as Lynda and Robert are in conversation. She has bought a load of books, including a copy of The Silmarillion, to replace the copy destroyed by Lady, the dog. Lynda has a master plan - she tells Robert that Alan is too busy to take charge of the panto, but “Ambridge is crying out for one, last grand production in place of the panto - a production for the ages - one last, artistic statement as producer, director and actor.” What does she have in mind, asks Robert, all agog, only to be told that it’s too early to say, but the first step is to get an invite to Justin’s soiree next week.

That’s all we know, but I can confidently say that, whatever it is, it sounds like the usual load of pretentious twaddle to me and I hate it already. Having said that, I can maybe take comfort from the fact that, in her speech to Robert, Lynda did use the word ‘last’ twice. I live in hope.

Brian and Peggy’s espionage attempts to get secrets from those entering the Flower & Produce show have been scuppered, when Emma realises what they are up to and warns other villagers to watch what they say. Brian tells Peggy that he actually enjoyed the subterfuge and she agrees. He also says that the whole retirement thing is doing his head in and he’s rattling around the house like a spare part. Peggy has previously suggested that she could liquidate an asset or two and pay off Home Farm’s debt, but Brian won’t hear of it - the house sale should bring all their problems to an end.

The ongoing row between Fallon and Kenton over PCB’s arrest of Freddie is still simmering. Harrison goes to The Bull (Kenton is away) and gives Jolene copies of the wedding photos she had ordered. He and Jolene agree that it is down to them to sort out the problem, with Jolene remarking that she’d like to bang their heads together. Harrison suggests that they come over for a meal on Tuesday and they can go through the other wedding photos. He phones Fallon to tell her and she is not best pleased that he didn’t ask her first. “But Kenton’s dead keen to see the photos” he tells his wife, lying through his teeth. Fallon has to end the call to serve a customer and Jolene says that all she has to do now is to convince Kenton. Good luck with that.

The evening arrives and, predictably, it ends in disaster, with Fallon saying (quite innocently) how lucky it was they got a DJ to replace Freddie. She says that she meant that Freddie’s choice of music wasn’t to her taste, but Kenton thinks she is referring to Freddie’s arrest and he goes off on one, storming out of the house and ordering Jolene to follow him, which she does. I wonder how Kenton will react when (and if) he learns that, far from Freddie just making one mistake, he is, in fact, a seasoned drug dealer? Will he seek out Fallon and PCB and apologise abjectly? Will there be a complimentary bottle of champagne to make up for all the harsh words? No, I don’t think so, either.

A couple of weeks ago, we asked ‘Whither Bridge Farm?’ and it seemed a straight choice between a micro dairy herd to ensure top-quality milk for Helen’s cheese, or Tom’s agro-forestry, which will ensure - well, a lot of trees, if we’re honest. So which did they choose? The dairy herd - let’s hear it for Helen! Oh yes, they chose the trees too, which made Tom happy.

He tells Hannah the good news and she says that Johnny is out until the evening, so if Tom fancies a shagfest, she’s up for it. So too is Tom and he suggests getting “a bottle of fizz” to celebrate. I just hope that he doesn’t mean lemonade. The pair are in bed and Hannah asks how he managed to swing the agro-forestry decision and he replies, in his best Machiavellian manner, that, if Helen had voted against it, he’d have vetoed the dairy scheme. Can you believe that two young people of different genders would be in bed together and are talking about bloody trees? Fortunately, this scintillating pillow talk is ended when they hear noises - Johnny has returned early, but they are not discovered. I’m glad Johnny came back, as the conversation might have moved on to Kefir and I don’t think I could have stood the excitement and sexual tension.

Actually, Hannah is definitely her own woman - she and Tom meet in the garden of The Bull and he is keen to have another horizontal conversation about trees. She, however, says that she has a date with Chad - the guy who dropped her last week. Tom is surprised to say the least - what does Chad know about agro-forestry? - but Hannah makes it plain that she likes different people and she can see Chad and she and Tom can still have the occasional casual bonk on a low-key basis (presumably having given Johnny a few quid to go to the movies). Hannah also suggests that Tom pursues Natasha, whom he fancies. Now, that isa good idea - after all, she should be extremely knowledgeable about agro forestry.

Hannah Brings On A Late Substitute

Helen Longworth (Hannah Riley)

            

Hannah has been getting more of a part recently - at the beginning of the week, she was in the cricket team that lost to Darrington by three runs. PCB moaned because she dropped a catch before the Darrington opener had scored, but Alistair tells him to lighten up there are more important things in life than cricket. Even now, the MCC committee is marching on Ambridge, determined to lynch him with a noose made from MCC ties.

Johnny seems impressed too - not only does Hannah play cricket, but she drinks as well, which speaks volumes for what Johnny is looking for in a woman. However, if Johnny has designs on housemate Hannah, he could be in for a disappointment; let’s fast-forward to the end of the week, when Jazzer, Freddie, Hannah and Tom are sitting outside The Bull. Hannah moans that Neil is still having trouble understanding the spreadsheets about his pigs - “How can anyone be so slow to learn?” Just chuck some mud and pig muck over the PC, Hannah - he’ll soon pick it up.

But back to The Bull. Jazzer makes a tasteless joke about Freddie getting banged up next week and the others (except Freddie) tell him he’s out of order. A disgruntled Jazzer says they obviously don’t want his company, so he’ll go inside the pub. Tom offers to get a round in, but a dispirited Freddie says he’ll call it a night and goes back to the Stables. “He’s not in a good way” Hannah says, and adds that she’s got to go too, as she’s got a date. Tom is alarmed - this means that he will be buttonholed by Bert Fry, talking about the Flower & Produce show, but Hannah leaves.

Tom escapes early and returns home, where he sees Hannah dressed in her glad rags. “You look amazing” he says, and Hannah picks up on (and remarks on) the note of surprise in his voice. She explains that her date cancelled at the last moment and Tom says that he must be an idiot. He takes a call from Natasha and she says, in reply to Tom’s message, that she can’t meet him for a date. Hannah teases Tom, accusing him of fancying Natasha rotten, and he sheepishly admits that this is the case. Hannah suggests that they “embrace their tragic, lonely heart status by getting a takeaway.” Tom agrees, but the evening is not yet over - Hannah says that, even if Tom is carrying a torch for Natasha, this shouldn’t stop him having fun. Tom, who obviously cannot recognise a cue when it slaps him in the face, is puzzled. For example, explains Hannah, “there’s a girl not a million miles away from you who has had a disappointment and just might be feeling in the mood tonight.” Tom, slightly taken aback, mutters “Oh”. Hannah: “So how about it?”

Don’t you just hate it when these girls (or men, depending on your gender and sexual orientation) start playing hard to get? If the thrill is in the chase, rather than the capture, then Tom won’t be very happy - I’m surprised Hannah didn’t just bang him over the head and drag him back to her cave. I must admit that I lost track of where Johnny was, but I sincerely hope that he didn’t come back late at night and catch his fellow housemates in flagrante.

But Johnny could be a bit busy in the future, as at Bridge Farm, there is much talk about the possible new dairy herd. Tom, who seems to have embraced the idea after his initial objections, approaches Johnny about doing the milking. Johnny cannot understand why Tom has had the change of heart, but he realises that the other partners at Bridge Farm will be looking at Tom’s agro-forestry idea - “You scratch their back, they scratch yours” he says, knowingly. Don’t knock it kid; the milking will be a permanent job and you might need to be looking busy if there is a slump in turnover. 

Sadly, Tom doesn’t realise that dad Tony hasn’t actually opened his report on agro-forestry, let alone read it. “Just give them time” advises Pat. Better get a move on - Tom is 37 and Tony is 67.

Let’s return to Jazzer - when he went off in a huff, it was remarked that he was in a bad mood. Back at the Stables, Alistair asks how is training going? Jazzer bites his head off and tells Alistair to back off. It transpires that Jazzer has given up smoking, after being given a lecture by Phil, who gave up his 30-a day habit when his child was born (Jazzer had just had a coughing fit). Phil says that all it takes is willpower, but Jazzer is finding it hard and has been short with everybody. Alistair tells Jazzer that he doesn’t have to keep running for his sake, but Jazzer says that he won’t let Alistair down and, in fact, he’s off for a run now. There is much talk about stupid Welshmen and we can assume that there is not an awful lot of Celtic harmony between the two.

The cricket season is over and the end-of-season party was held at the Tea Room, with Fallon adamant that, unless Kenton apologised for what he said about PCB and Freddie, The Bull is out of bounds. As it turns out, Jolene joins the party (Harrison persuaded her) but she has a measure of revenge, as she has brought along a Spice Girls CD and Harrison is encouraged to sing along (thankfully not in his Ginger Spice get-up). 

Alistair tells Harrison that he has done a great job as captain and that he was only doing his duty when he arrested Freddie. In fact, Alistair seems to be very protective of Freddie and he invites him to the party, but Freddie refuses, saying that he is fine.

So let’s concentrate on the Pargetter family. We can quickly dispense with Lily, who hasn’t contacted Elizabeth since going to uni, from which we deduce that she doesn’t need money quite yet (call me Mr Cynical if you like). Her twin, however, seems to be facing up to the harsh realities of his immediate future and is slowly slipping downhill. Shula invites him to have a talk, but he declines.

I have never faced the prospect of possibly being banged up in the following week, but if I had, I think I would have spent the majority of the time either in the pub, or cradling my favourite bottles of whisky. Freddie however (apart from the less-than-successful episode at the pub - see paragraph three) is closeted in his room and is letting himself go. Alistair describes him as “the wild man of Borneo” and suggests that he needs a shave and a haircut. Freddie seems to realise that his appearance could do with smartening up and gets a haircut - he even removes his eyebrow piercing, which could perhaps be a major plank in the defence lawyer’s plea for mitigation; let’s face it, there isn’t much of a case.

Alistair continues to contact Freddie, asking for a talk and eventually. Alistair turns up at Freddie’s room at the Stables, approving that Fred has cleaned himself up. Is he ready for next week (the County Court hearing)? The short answer is ‘not really’ and Freddie confesses that, while everybody thinks he is ok, he isn’t really. He feels guilty about what he has put his mother through, including losing her alcohol licence, and that Nigel would be so ashamed of him. Alistair says rubbish and does he fancy a walk? Freddie says give him a moment and he, Alistair and Shula set off for Lakey Hill.

But where did Shula come from, I hear you scream? Well, ignoring the fact that Freddie said that he didn’t want to have a conversation, she knocked on Freddie’s door and entered (Alistair was in the room talking to Freddie). She stayed (Alistair and Freddie agreed readily) and Alistair asked if she wanted to join them on the walk to Lakey Hill? Shula agreed and the trio were sitting on the top of Lakey Hill, admiring the view. Freddie points out that they can see Lower Loxley and he misses it more than ever - especially now, when he cannot go back there. 

He says that he has been stupid, selfish and now he’s going to jail, adding “This might be the last time I see this view for a long while - and there’s nothing I can do about it.” Well, look on the bright side Freddie - this time next week you will know your fate and where you are going to live will be decided for you, so it’s not all bad news.

You might be wondering why the apparent rapprochement between Alistair and Shula? While they were waiting for Freddie to join them on the walk, Alistair said that tearing themselves apart is stupid and they should sit down and make a list of things that he has done wrong, so that Shula can put forward the divorce petition - he wants to get things over quickly; their talk with Freddie has made him realise that some things are more important than their squabbles. Perhaps we should mention here that Alistair revealed to Phil that he has had an offer from a vet’s practice to buy him out, but that might be unkind.

Shula is surprised that Alistair is willing to shoulder the blame, but she thinks that accepting the blame is a good idea - except that she thinks that, as it was she who initiated the divorce, it should be her who takes responsibility and she should be the one to petition him. ‘Dear God’ I thought ’Please don’t let’s get involved in a “it’s my fault, no it’s mine” argument’ but fortunately the week ended.

We cannot leave without talking about Brian and Peggy’s Secret Squirrel’s attempts to prise secrets from villagers regarding their entries for the Flower & Produce show. They have been informing Jennifer about various tips for certain entries, seemingly unaware that people might find it suspicious if two people should enter hamster and avocado jam. Jenny lets it be known that she is perfectly aware of what Brian and Peggy have been doing, but Brian feigns innocence.

Jennifer says that she knows why Brian is doing this - it’s because it will be the last F&P show that she will experience in this house and this garden and she has made him a surprise - a gentleman’s buttonhole. Brian is blown away - he says she is bound to win with that, but Jennifer says that, even if she wins nothing, she will still have wonderful memories of the house and garden. Presumably she will have wiped her memory of events like the expensive clear up of the contamination, Brian bringing home his secret love child Ruairi, and Toby Fairbrother turning the swimming pool water purple just before bonking Jenny’s daughter Kate. Ah, Happy days!

Whither Bridge Farm?

William Troughton (Tom Archer)

A good question. Ever since Pat and Tony abdicated responsibility for running the farm, handing it over to Tom and Helen, it has drifted from one unsustainable scheme to another. First of all, Tom wanted to get rid of the dairy herd and, after much soul-searching, Pat and Tony gave in and the cows were history. Tom then wanted to introduce a range of organic baby food, but abandoned this idea, as there were already a number on the market.

Instead, he came up with the idea of fermented food, notably Kefir. This was generally regarded as pretty horrible and appears to have been kicked into the long grass. Luckily, the Archers benefited from Justin Elliott’s £900,000 purchase of Bridge Farm land for building and there was much discussion about what to do with the windfall. Actually, it should have been £1 million, but Tom tried to put the squeeze on Justin by saying that a consortium has offered more. This consortium turned out to be a figment of Matt’s imagination and Tom had to crawl back to Justin, who promptly knocked £100,000 off his original offer. Well done Tom!

The plans for the money involved creating an educational centre to keep the public informed about the benefits of organic farming. Also, Helen could run cheese-making courses. These ideas were shelved, because a new building would be expensive and because not that many people wanted to make their own cheese. Apparently, Borsetshire Blue cheese accounts for a large proportion of Bridge Farm’s profit, and so it was a bit of a blow when Ian announced that the quality has been suffering recently and he removed it from the Grey Gables menu.

Helen went through her records and the deterioration in the cheese coincided with selling the dairy herd and buying in milk. The cows that yielded the milk had been given a high level of concentrates and this had affected the quality. The farmer who owns the cows cannot see that something is wrong and Helen is looking for an alternative source of milk - with a distinct lack of success, so far.

Meanwhile Tom consulted a panel of Nuffield farmers and they came up with some novel ideas. One of these is to grow trees (apple is a good choice) in strips and sow other crops between them. Johnny describes this as “not proper farming” and Helen is very anti, telling her brother that it would bankrupt the farm. But fear not, for Helen has come up with a solution, which is (wait for it) to reintroduce dairy cattle and establish their own micro dairy; something that Tom describes as “a big step backwards.”

Tom is upset to find that he is in a minority of one on this one - Pat is leaning towards the idea and Tony is besotted by the idea of a dairy herd back at Bridge Farm. As he tells his son “you can’t blame me - it’s what I know best.” They all agree that the idea will have to be thoroughly costed and Tom offers to help Helen do this - what’s the betting that the scheme will turn out to be unrealistically expensive, according to Tom’s figures? He is also worried about who would do the milking - no problem, as Johnny can do it; the lad’s a natural with stock. Poor Tom is feeling quite isolated, but Pat takes pity and suggests that they could always run a trial of Tom’s agro-forestry.

I just wish that someone would take control and come up with a strategy that will see Bridge Farm prosper and that will create a sustainable future. Let’s be honest; the only thing that has made money for the family recently has been selling land to Justin - perhaps the Archers should sell off parcels of land every now and then and just forget farming?

There was mystery and intrigue over at Jim Lloyd’s gaff, with Jazzer refusing to divulge exactly what he is cooking up for Alistair’s upcoming birthday. ‘Cooking up’ seems an appropriate phrase, as Jim is horrified to see the mess that the Scotsman has made in his kitchen. Even worse - Alistair has had a cancellation and is coming home early, so Jim is tasked with keeping him away from the house. Jim takes his son down The Bull and tells him that Jazzer is thinking of moving out. Even worse, he is contemplating going back to Glasgow. Alistair and Joe Grundy, who is bumming drinks off Jim and Alistair, are sorry to hear this and, when Jazzer turns up at the pub, they tell him so. Jazzer tells them it’s a load of nonsense and he’s going nowhere.

The day of the birthday arrives and we learn that Jazzer’s idea is to have a party with kids’ games, such as pass the parcel. Jim tells Jazzer that Alistair will hate the whole thing, but he is wrong, as Alistair describes the experience as “amazing” and thanks Jazzer for organising such a great party. It probably helps that all the games are drink-related - the pass the parcel contains miniature bottles of whisky - and the ‘fruit punch’ is nearly neat vodka. Jim is in maudlin mood and regrets that he hasn’t been a better father. Alistair tells his dad that he has been a tower of strength recently and Alistair couldn’t have got through it all without Jim’s help.

And now we have an example of just how insensitive Tracy Horrobin is (as if we needed reminding). On Sunday, she turns up at the Stables, looking for Freddie. Lily is there too and she cannot believe it when Tracy says that a mate of hers is holding a party this weekend and does Freddie have any Ecstasy that she can buy? Lily says angrily that Freddie is not dealing any longer, whereupon Tracy asks if he knows of anyone else who could help her. Lily tells her to go and she and her twin talk about how, between them, they have messed up Elizabeth’s life this year. What? Only this year? Lily cannot understand how Freddie is so cool about his situation, but deep down, I reckon Freddie fears the worst - Johnny pays him a visit and suggests that they and a few friends have an evening on the lash. “OK,” Freddie agrees, adding: “I might as well enjoy my last few days of freedom.”

The time is approaching  when Lily will be off to Uni and she has packed lots of stuff from Elizabeth’s kitchen. “Just tell me what I’ve got to replace” Lizzie says, good naturedly. From conversations that Lily has with Elizabeth and Phoebe, we learn more of her and Russ’s plans for the future. The flat that they have chosen is some distance away from the campus, and it is also quite expensive. Lily tells her mother that she will be doing evening work to help pay for it and Elizabeth asks why can’t Russ get a job? Lily replies that Russ wants to concentrate on his art - I thought she was supposed to be intelligent?

Lily says that Russ has already given up so much; his job (Russ resigned), his wife and his family. Lily thinks that, because Russ resigned, then the situation about the complaint against him is now resolved and she is taken aback when Lizzie tells her that Usha reckons the police and Social Services will still want to talk to Lily.

Unwisely, Lizzie makes one final effort to persuade her daughter - why doesn’t Lily live in the Hall of Residence, while Russ lives in the flat? She adds that Russ shouldn’t be asking her to do so much. Nice try, but Lily replies that she is a grown woman and she knows what she wants. She continues that she knows Elizabeth doesn’t want them to be together and, when Elizabeth protests that she just wants Lily to be happy, her daughter says: “Russ makes me happy - he’s my future, not you and if you can’t accept that, it’s a good job that we’re leaving tomorrow.” OK, but put all the crockery and utensils back before you leave.

The Flower and Produce show is looming large and Joe takes great delight in telling Jim how Bert and Cecil have fallen out - it seems that someone told Bert that Cecil had been rubbishing Bert’s cabbages. When Jim asks Joe if he had anything to do with this (Jim and Joe had a bet and the falling out means that Jim owes Joe a pint) Joe’s voice is innocence personified as he strenuously denies any involvement. Jim is far from convinced, but gets the drinks anyway.

Brian is being extremely polite to Peggy and he suggests that they go for a stroll. Peggy wants to talk about ways to cheer Jenny up, but Brian takes her to The Bull and they chat to a number of people about the F&P show and what they will be showing. Peggy thinks it rude of Brian to keep looking at his phone, but he explains that he has been taking notes on his phone and the idea is to find out who is entering what categories. That way, they can steer Jenny towards those categories that she stands good chances of winning. “I suppose it’s not really cheating” Peggy says, somewhat doubtfully and Brian agrees, telling her that “it’s good, old-fashioned information gathering.”

Jennifer is depressed because the only offer they have had on the farmhouse was “an insult, not an offer.” Never mind, things could get worse and - right on cue - they do. Jennifer is in the middle of preparing Sunday lunch, when the doorbell rings. It is Tracy, who is taking the kids out for lunch and she thought that this would be a good time to have a viewing of the house. Jennifer is horrified - bad enough that this is a reminder that she is related to the Horrobins through the marriage of daughter Alice to Chris Carter (his mother Susan is Tracy’s sister) but the thought of them traipsing through what is still Jen’s home, almost brings on an attack of the vapours.

In a faint voice, Jennifer tells Tracy that all viewings have to be arranged via the Estate Agent and they vet applicants to see if they are suitable. Tracy thinks that this is a great idea - “You don’t want time wasters” she tells Jenny, as the latter firmly closes the door.

The situation between Fallon and Kenton continues to be fraught, with her adamant that the cricket club end of season party will not take place in The Bull unless and until Kenton apologises. PCB says that he appreciates her sticking up for him, but he would hate to see a family rift developing, as he has had too much experience of these in the past. There was a piece of good news for PCB when he finds support for his actions from an unlikely source - he is talking to Shula in the churchyard and he wonders if he should give up bell ringing in view of the situation. No way, she tells him, and adds that she fully supports Harrison’s action in arresting Freddie - he needed a wake up call and PCB did the right thing. Harrison thanks her and is genuinely touched when he tells her that it means a lot to him. At least that’s one of the Archer clan on your side, Harrison. 

Thank You For Your Support – 300,000 Times! (Bonus Posting)

It has been something of a landmark week, as on Tuesday 11^thSeptember 2018, our Hits counter for the blog stood at 300,380, which I think is a pretty good achievement.

The idea began – as do so many others – in the pub, where Neil, Karen, Louise and I sat around, discussing the latest episodes of The Archers. This was just after Norman Painting had died and we were wondering how the soap would cope with the loss of Phil Archer. “We could write our own stories” one of us suggested (probably in a bit of a slurred voice) and the idea for the blog was born.

At first, that’s exactly what we did, as can be seen by Alternative Archers back in December 2009. We soon realised that this was unsustainable (ie it was too hard to think up new storylines) and what we should be doing is providing a summary of the week’s episodes. These are by no means comprehensive, and indeed, some storylines are ignored altogether, but we do try to inject a bit of humour here and there. We also express our opinions about characters and stories – I don’t think any of our regular readers are in any doubt about what I think about Lynda’s Christmas plays/pantos – and there are lists of people who get on our nerves (Wayne, James, Leonie, Martyn Gibson – I could probably go on for pages, but I won’t.)

It’s always good to get feedback and the number of people who wrote in (especially during the Helen and Rob saga) saying that they no longer listen to the Archers on the radio, but rely instead on our summaries, made us realise the great responsibility on our shoulders! I believe I’m right in saying that we have never missed a week, despite illness, operations and, of course, holidays.

If I may be excused a few moments of self-indulgence, I’d like to name some of my favourite blogs. My all-time favourite is Guilt Trips  (January 2011) which dealt with, almost exclusively, the death of Nigel Pargetter. Another one I liked was Another Foot, Another Gob(January 2012). In writing this bonus posting, I have had a great time re-reading some of the postings, including some that I had forgotten about. It was interesting too to re-discover old characters, many of who have vanished without trace. Darrell and Olwen are to that spring to mind, if not to the ear any longer.

The Excitement Is In Tents (June 2014) and Mike’s Had Better Weeks (September 2014) were – to me at least, memorable, as was Don’t Expect A Father’s Day Card, Tony (June 2017). 

In January 2016, Neil managed to insert a couple of audio links into Do We Need A Rob Alert? And there wassound (albeit not a lot) to accompany the words – ah, the wonders of technology!

This last posting was one of our Bonus Postings, which we occasionally add during the week when an idea occurs to us. One such was The Pedalo Of Doom (March 2015) which invited readers to select four characters to be confined in a pedalo, which then went over the hitherto-unmentioned roaring cataract on the Am, never to be seen again.

When Helen was on trial for stabbing Rob, A reader suggested that it would be more immediate if we had a posting every day of the events in court. It seemed a good idea, so we had a week of Bonus Postings Helen In The Dock 1 – 7 in September and October 2016.

I could go on and on, but I would just like to say a heartfelt ‘Thank You’ from Neil and myself to all our readers for racking up over one third of a million hits. OK, it has taken the better part of a decade, but we have never advertised the blog and the growth in numbers is entirely down to personal recommendation among our loyal readership. And I do mean loyal, as some of the people who make comments do append their names and we think things like “oh good; Zoe’s still listening after all these years.”

So, please keep spreading the word among friends and family and thank you all for tuning in every week. Thank you too for the comments – keep them coming in, as we enjoy reading them and it’s nice to know that our efforts are (generally!) appreciated. If you have half as much fun reading the weekly summaries as we do writing them, then we have twice as much fun as you!

(Some Of The) Village vs PC Burns

James Cartwright (Harrison Burns)

Poor Harrison - he maintains he was only doing his duty when he collared Freddie, pointing out that there were numerous other coppers around on his Stag Night and Freddie was not exactly the soul of discretion. In fact, he was only just short of setting up a stall and yelling “Come and get ‘em - uppers, downers, ecstasy - roll up!” PCB would, as he said, have been in dereliction of duty had he not arrested Freddie.

Opinion amongst the Archers is divided; most of them couldn’t give a toss, although there are sharply polarised views among others. For example, Helen thinks Freddie warrants a slight smack on the wrist, while Peggy is preparing the gallows, just in case. Elsewhere, Lily is looking to buy her mother a present for being so understanding (more details later) and Jolene suggests the Tea Room, where Fallon has some nice knick-knacks. Lily goes there and Fallon asks her why didn’t she tell Harrison that she wouldn’t be turning up for cricket last Sunday?

Lily is stroppy from the outset and says that she doesn’t think that PCB had the right to arrest Freddie, as he was on his Stag Night, plus he was dressed in women’s clothes. Let’s hope that a) Lily isn’t going to study Law at Uni and, if she is, then b) that she never gets appointed to defend me. Fallon replies that her husband is a police officer and was only doing his job and he cannot be expected to protect Freddie from his own stupidity - he took a risk and he got caught. Lily retaliates by saying that Freddie is a good person and his whole future is at stake. No doubt Harold Shipman’s family thought he was an OK guy, but a jury thought otherwise.

An annoyed Fallon goes to The Bull and she is angry - why should PCB be getting the flak? Jolene says the consequences could be huge, and Kenton wades in with “Yes, he could go to prison.” Fallon points out that it was Freddie’s choice and an argument starts, with Kenton saying that PCB made the wrong decision - Kenton went to see Freddie and he was very low; the whole thing is ridiculous. Fallon has had enough and, after Jolene has got between them, as the argument is getting heated and customers are looking, Fallon demands that Kenton apologises. No way, Pedro! On hearing this, Fallon says that neither she nor PCB will set foot in the pub until he does apologise and, oh yes, the cricket team will be holding its end of season knees up in the Tea Room and not The Bull.

“Well, that went well” says Jolene, but an unrepentant Kenton says that Freddie made a mistake and PCB should have used his common sense and now Freddie could end up paying for it for the rest of his life. Well, like the man who spilt creosote on his cornflakes, I was deeply moved, but let me say where I stand on this issue, as they say in Dragons’ Den. Dealing drugs is against The Law - whatever your attitude towards drugs, that is an incontrovertible fact. Secondly (and if for no other reason, Freddie deserves to go down for this) he dealt drugs at a party where there were an awful lot of policemen and he did so in an ostentatious manner, to the extent where Toby was beating him off with refusals to purchase uppers. Yes Freddie made a mistake - he is Nigel’s son, after all - but would Kenton be so forgiving if Freddie had stabbed someone in a moment of anger (‘Come on Judge - he could suffer for the rest of his life’) or run over a pedestrian (OK, I agree that, if it were Matt, that could count as extenuating circumstances)? 

Let’s go back to Lily – she gets a call from Russ and turns as white as a sheet, telling her mother that Russ has told his wife about her. It just gets better and better for Elizabeth, as Russ decides that his wife needs some space, so he turns up at Lower Loxley. Lily immediately invites him to stay, taking Lizzie’s consent for granted – Russ can have Freddie’s room. After all, Freddie won’t be needing it for a while; quite a long while if he gets a stroppy judge. Elizabeth must have looked stunned, as Lily says that if that’s not acceptable, she and Russ could always get a hotel. Lizzie agrees to the Lower Loxley option, no doubt partly because she knows who’d end up paying for the hotel.

On Wednesday, Elizabeth sets the day aside for some mother and daughter quality time, shopping for stuff for Lily’s flat in Manchester. As they are about to leave, Russ turns up and says he’d like to join them. “We’d love you to” beams Lily, pre-empting her mother again. It turns out that Russ has rather expensive tastes, saying that you can’t beat the feel of Egyptian cotton sheets. Elizabeth, who is paying for this spree, says that Lily can take some from Lower Loxley, but Russ (who obviously has no problems spending someone else’s money) says that new ones are so much better. Oh, and don’t forget the Ming vase for the lounge, Lizzie.

This is all adding pressure on Lizzie’s shoulders and she confides in Kenton about what her daughter is up to. The wisdom of doing this is demonstrated when Kenton says that Russ ought to be thrown out and he’ll gladly do it. Elizabeth gently points out that this is hardly the way to keep Lily onside and she is afraid that she could lose both her children in quick succession. Kenton wonders if Russ has acted illegally and anyway, he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. “Somebody ought to do something about it” he tells his sister, darkly. What’s the betting that that someone is Kenton and he causes a major rift in the Pargetter family?

On Friday, Russ is eating some vile concoction that he has put together, containing oatmeal, boiled eggs and smoked fish (I may have missed out some ingredients, such as cat’s urine and old boots). Elizabeth comes into the room. “What’s that disgusting smell?” she asks and promptly opens a window. She goes to see Freddie, who is bored, bored, bored – regard it as preparation for a life inside, Freddie – and he is surprised by the fact that Russ has told his wife. Where is he living now? On being told that Russ is in Freddie’s room at home, he blows his top and sets Elizabeth off crying, upon which Freddie apologises for upsetting her.

But, could there be a serpent entering Russ and Lily’s Eden? The pair are together at Lower Loxley and Russ’s mobile keeps ringing. Lily asks him why doesn’t he answer it and he replies that it’s just the college Principal – apparently someone has made an allegation about him but there’s no point calling back until Monday. Lily worries and Russ says “Relax; everything’s going to be fine.”

However, Lily is not convinced – what happens if Russ were to lose his job? No problem, as he says he has always felt caged in and he doesn’t want a desk job; he’s an artist and wants to channel his energy into his art, his true self. Lily is obviously a lot more practical and asks “But how would we manage financially?” Russ reassures her that, if necessary, they could exist on eating beans from a tin and foraging for food in a forest. I don’t know how many forests there are near Manchester, and besides, becoming a full- time hunter/gatherer could seriously interfere with Lily’s studying. It is worth mentioning that Russ is cooking lamb shanks when this conversation takes place – presumably in the future they will have to rustle the sheep. “What we have together is far more important than any sum of money” he tells her, earnestly. Oh yeah? Try telling that to the landlord when the rent is due.

Is this the beginning of Lily’s awakening and first step on the road to seeing Russ for what he really is – a deluded fool who is prepared to sponge off Lily (or, more likely, Elizabeth?). Let’s hope so.

It’s a big day in the Grundy household, as it’s Poppy’s first day at school and Will is driving himself slowly demented, worrying that he has got everything right. There is a crisis over her shoes – he got dark blue ones instead of black; what if she is horsewhipped for flouting the dress code? Clarrie looks into it and says that the dress code is ‘dark shoes’, so stop worrying. Then there is her school bag, which, apart from the usual pens, pencils etc., contains a spare set of clothes (“What if she gets cold?”) and, for all I know, a scuba diving outfit (“What if there’s a flash flood?”).

As it turned out, Poppy went into school OK – “She didn’t even look back” says Will, a mite wistfully – and enjoyed herself hugely, even comforting some of the less confident children and winning a gold star for being helpful. I hate to tell you this Poppy, but it’s all downhill from here on – don’t expect a gold star every day.

It was Jack’s first day at Nursery as well, and Helen and Will meet at the school gates and discuss how difficult it is to let go of your children. Helen even gives Will a tissue to mop up a tear.

Helen has fallen out with Tom over the latter allowing Henry to play computer games half the night, as she rations him to 10 minutes every February 29^th. The siblings make it up eventually and we are subjected to Tom’s latest ideas from the Nuffield farmers’ group. After Kefir and the other fermented product, whose name I forget, we now have agro-forestry, which entails growing trees such as apple with crops between them. This is met with a wave of apathy and antipathy, with Johnny saying that it doesn’t sound like proper farming to him and Helen saying that it will only get them into debt. “Sorry Tom, it’s a non-starter for me.” Ah well, back to the drawing board, Tom.

Alistair is really getting into his running and Jim is overcome with guilt, as he feels that he could have been a better father over the years. Alistair’s birthday is coming up and he’d like to do something to mark it. What does Jazzer think of throwing a party? Not much, is the answer, as few of the Archers would attend. OK then, could Jazzer find out what Alistair might like? Jim wants it to be a surprise, so he tells Jazzer “to use all your subtlety.” Jazzer, who probably couldn’t spell ‘subtlety’ if you gave him a dictionary, answers “Oh aye – I’m the king of subtlety.”

When questioning Alistair, Jazzer is horrified to hear that Alistair has never had a birthday party in his life – indeed, he’d rather let the day pass unremarked. The irate Scotsman berates Jim for never celebrating his son’s birthday and says not to bother, as he (Jazzer) will take charge of arranging Alistair’s surprise. I suspect alcohol will feature somewhere.

Finally, I fear for the mental health of Brian Aldridge, as Jennifer tells Lilian that he is spending a lot of time with Joe Grundy. Much of this is in The Bull, so no doubt Brian is spending a lot of money too. Joe tells him that the Flower and Produce Show is a cut-throat business and you need a cunning strategy to thwart your opponents. Quick – someone rescue Brian before he starts growing his own vegetables or making his own cakes.

Confession Is Good For The Soul, Susan

Heather Bell (Clarrie Grundy)

Susan was very touchy on Sunday - Shula was praising Alan’s sermon about forgiveness and she was particularly taken when he quoted ‘let he that is without sin cast the first stone.’ Susan, whose conscience is troubled by her llama-napping on Fallon’s Hen Night, takes this as a slight on her and she was quite short with Shula, who stammered an apology and said that she was speaking generally.

As Shula goes, Clarrie asks Susan what’s the matter with her - Shula is having a hard time with her divorce and Susan should make allowances. Susan confesses about her part in what we shall call llamagate and she feels stupid and ashamed. Clarrie says that Lynda will never let the matter rest and that Susan will have to tell Lynda; and the sooner the better.

Nevertheless, two days later, Susan still hasn’t ‘fessed up and Clarrie calls her a coward. Stung (or so we believe) Susan seeks out Lynda and finds her in the shepherd’s hut, reading ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ as the latest in her epic reading list. Susan makes small talk, asking if the book was based on the film, starring Gregory Peck. Sighing mightily, Lynda asks her what does she want - she didn’t pop round to discuss literature, surely? Susan says that she knows something about the kidnapping of Constanza and that the person in question is feeling ashamed and contrite - such behaviour was not how the person normally behaves. Lynda says she is pleased that Susan is confessing, only for Susan to reply “oh no - it wasn’t me; it was Clarrie.”

I’m sure that many listeners, including me, thought ‘you sneaky cow - how could you treat Clarrie like that?’ However, we judged her prematurely as, the next day, the two women were in the dairy and Clarrie asks how did Susan get on with Lynda? Susan’s answer was “it worked like a charm - she swallowed it hook, line and blooming sinker!” and the two of them fall about guffawing and shrieking with laughter.

It transpires that the whole deception was Clarrie’s idea and Susan is grateful that Clarrie put her reputation on the line to save Susan’s “You’re a true friend” Susan tells her. Clarrie’s response is that she was pleased to do it - Susan has behaved wonderfully towards her family (especially thinking up the rota of help for William after Nic died). Also, Clarrie adds that she hasn’t had a laugh like that in a long, long time and that starts the pair off on another round of hysterical laughter.

Someone who isn’t laughing is Helen, who is having trouble with Henry. “Whatever happened to my sweet seven-year-old?” she asks, after putting him on the naughty step for the umpteenth time. Henry threw his toys on the floor and refused to pick them up, telling his mother that he hates her. Later on he pinches Jack and kicks him. Back on the step Henry!

Pat tells Helen that this is how children treat their parents, no doubt thinking of the grief that Helen has caused her in the past. Clarrie then turns up to tell Helen that Henry is kicking his ball about near the polytunnels and it would seem that, when Clarrie remonstrated with him, he gave her some backchat. Helen goes to drag Henry away to the step yet again. A good slap never did anyone any harm Helen - just a thought.

As well as trouble with Henry, Helen is trawling through her cheese-making records to try and track down a reason for the deterioration in the taste of Borsetshire Blue. After hours of detective work, she realises that the decline began soon after they stopped using their own milk (they sold the herd, if you remember) and used outside suppliers’ milk. One such supplier had to supplement his grazing with silage and this affected the quality of the milk. She will investigate and Tom advises her to be tactful when she tackles the man.

Tom realises that his sister is under the cosh somewhat and rashly offers to have Henry for a sleepover one night. Helen accepts with almost indecent haste and Henry is farmed out to his uncle. We learn after the event that it was rather a fraught night for Tom; on his arrival, Henry stated that he was going to stay up all night, which meant that Tom had to do likewise. The next day, a weary-looking and bleary-eyed Tom tells Jazzer that Henry eventually fell asleep around 4am. Hannah says that Henry has put her off kids. I think that young Henry has probably just had his last sleepover at uncle Tom’s cabin, even though Helen tells her brother that he is Henry‘s new favourite and Henry cannot stop talking about him. 

Jazzer is under a cloud also. Jim suggested that perhaps Alistair is carrying a bit of extra weight and makes references to the Felpersham half marathon in January. Shula tells Elizabeth that she saw Alistair in T-shirt, jogging pants and trainers - he’s obviously in training for something. However, it appears that Jazzer mocked Alistair’s weight and running style, as Alistair turns up at the shop, saying that he is in sore need of chocolate and cake. Tom says “but I thought Jazzer said - “ and is interrupted by Alistair saying that he doesn’t care what Jazzer said.

Jim has words with Jazzer, who says that what he said was “only banter”. In Jim’s opinion, it was more like bullying and Jazzer “was being unkind” and Alistair has given up running. I reckon Jazzer must be wishing he had somewhere else to live (he’d already given up his more spacious bedroom for Alistair’s boxroom, complete with piano) and he rings Alistair to apologise and to offer him a proposition.

This turns out to be Jazzer going running with Alistair and both of them competing in the Felpersham half marathon. We find this out when the two of them turn up at The Bull after a run, where Tom screams “Those shorts are obscene!” ‘Those shorts’ are worn by Jazzer as part of his running kit and we can imagine what they are like when Jazzer says that they were what George Best used to wear, meaning that they are the sporting male equivalent of the sixties’ micro skirts - it’s at times like this that I curse my vivid imagination.

Tom is obsessed with Natasha’s analysis of Bridge Farm’s performance and he asks Helen if he can run it past Adam, who thinks she might have some points - is Bridge Farm a farm, a retailer, a food manufacturer, or what? Tom has already told his sister that Natasha thinks they have over-diversified in too many directions (memo to Pat and Tony - this is what happens when you hand over control to the kids - lucky you trousered Justin Elliott’s £900k) - and see what I wrote earlier about giving children a slap. 

And now to the trials (no pun intended) of the Pargetter family, or, to be precise, of Elizabeth. We didn’t hear much about Freddie, apart from the fact that he seems to be bearing up, and that Shula is eating well, as she has to cook Freddie’s meals. Elizabeth has more than her fair share of grief, as the Licensing Authority is meeting to review the suspension of her alcohol licence. Shula drives her to the hearing and they get caught in roadworks, just making it in time. Oliver has turned up to speak in Elizabeth’s favour, but the Authority upholds the licence embargo. Lizzie is philosophical, but she does have worries how the ban will affect Lower Loxley wine production and sales.

At the beginning of the week, Lizzie and Lily are talking and Lily is full of admiration and praise for the way that her mother has handled the whole Lily/Russ situation. Indeed, it has to be said that Elizabeth’s reaction to the whole scenario is laid back to the extent that she is practically horizontal. We learn that she has an ulterior motive, as she tells Shula that Lily will be off to Manchester Uni in a couple of weeks “and Russ will be just a holiday romance.”

Elizabeth has put on a brave face, but she confides in Shula that she really misses Nigel and she cannot be both father and mother to her twins. Still, Lily will soon be away at Uni.

The first warning signs came as early as Sunday - the same day that Lily was praising her mother’s attitude to the romance - she thought her mother would go ballistic. Elizabeth says that she remembers what it’s like to be in love and would Lily mind if she told Usha, as Russ’s and Lily’s relationship might make his character reference for Freddie invalid? (Don’t worry, it doesn’t).

Lily responds by saying that she knows Elizabeth will love Russ when she meets him socially and she has invited him to a kitchen table supper on Friday - just the three of them. “That sounds absolutely delightful” says Elizabeth, in a somewhat stunned ‘oh no it doesn’t’ tone of voice.

Lily is still keen for Russ to tell his wife that he will be leaving her, and he says “as soon as she walks through the door”. Not so, as he tells Lily that his wife has been away on some sort of training weekend and she is often fragile afterwards - he needs to pick his moment. However, he is adamant that he willtell her soon, or some time soon and that he and Lily belong together and are a perfect couple. She just has to have faith.

In the meantime, he has a problem - he’s never eaten in a stately home, so what should he wear? And what dessert should he buy? It’s a kitchen supper, for Heaven’s sake man - there probably won’t even be a butler. The crawler (clad in jeans and T-shirt) brings Lizzie, wine, chocolates and flowers and is mortified because he brought red wine and they’re having chicken. The conversation doesn’t flow very freely and eventually, Russ goes.

Elizabeth and Lily carry on talking and Lily lets slip that she won’t be staying in a Hall of Residence in Manchester. “We’re going to get a flat” Lily says brightly. “We?” asks a startled Lizzie. Her daughter replies that it’s amazing - she can hardly believe it herself, whereupon Elizabeth says that she’s just remembered - she promised to call Shula and rushes off to do just that. The week ends with Elizabeth in floods of tears, telling her sister that she has just learned that Lily is on the verge of ruining her life.