Welcome To The Allotment (Sorry, I Meant Home Farm)

Lucy Morris (Phoebe Aldridge)

Well, it’s an easy mistake to make, as if Brian keeps selling off a bit here, a few acres there, Adam’s fruit enterprise will consist of one cherry tree and God only knows what will become of the herbal leys. Still, it’s an ill wind, as he won’t then be worried about a shortage of pickers. The gigantic combine will have a new use, trimming the Home Farm handkerchief-sized lawn.

But it is with Phoebe that I want to start this week, as we had clear proof that the pressure of Oxford has obviously warped her brain. Kate has taken herself off somewhere and the only contact with her family is via a solicitor’s letter, informing Brian that, if the land near Spiritual Home is sold, then she will sue. “She’s bluffing” says Brian and runs off to instruct his own solicitor.

Things are not going according to plan as Harriet (solicitor) tells Brian that Kate has a point and it might be prudent to call off the land sale (I promise that I will get round to talking about Phoebe soon). Brian tells Adam that, to cover Kate’s share, they would have to sell even more land – the allotment of this week’s title moves a step nearer.

But never mind! Brian has a possible solution to keep Kate and everybody else happy and he runs it past Adam. Actually, he runs it intoAdam, who is appalled – the soft fruit operation would be decimated, arable would be severely curtailed and the farm would be a shadow of its former self. “No, no, no!” says Adam, adding “it’s not going to happen” which is exactly the phrase he used to Jennifer when she brought up the subject of selling the house. Brian is convinced he is right “It’s a compromise” he tells Adam. “It’s a surrender!” Adam retorts and he informs Brian that, if he tries to sell the land, then he (Adam) will take a leaf out of Kate’s book and sue for his share. The words ‘back to’, ‘square’ and ‘one’ spring to mind.

So, that’s two of the partnership implacably opposed to the two solutions put forward thus far, but they are not the only ones involved. Rooooth, in her role as Ruairi’s representative, did suggest that selling the house could be an option, but nobody is really for that idea. So far we haven’t heard from Alice or Debbie, but, in Alice’s case at least, this is swiftly remedied, as she turns up, demanding to know what the – is going on and why can’t she get in touch with Kate and where the hell is she, anyway? Jennifer is trying to keep the peace, but there are so many different factions that she is having a hard time of it. She confides in Alice that she was given a hard time earlier by Phoebe and it is here that we learn that Pheebs has lost it big time and needs to seek help, urgently.

Why do I say this? It’s because Phoebe told Jennifer that her mother has done more for the farm than any other member of the family and has built up her business from nothing, so why should she be loyal when no-one else cares about her? Is the girl insane?

Obviously all the studying (or I suppose it could be drugs) has warped Phoebe’s view of the world - and why has her outlook changed so drastically? After all, it was only a couple of weeks ago that Phoebe was helping Jenny refresh Spiritual Home (fresh buffalo dung on the outside of the yurts, I reckon) and moaning because Kate wasn’t helping them, alongside comments like they shouldn’t be surprised, given Kate’s track record.

Let’s look at Phoebe’s deluded ramblings in the cold light of day. First of all, Kate’s contribution to the farm and its running. As far as we know, she pays no rent and lives in the holiday cottage that her parents gave her a few years back, coming back to Home Farm only when she feels the need to raid Brian’s wine cellar. She doesn’t contribute to the running of the farm in any way whatsoever and the only active thing that she has done on the farm is shag Toby Fairbrother a couple of times.

As for building up a business from nothing, her business plan was laughed to scorn by Brian and Spiritual Home only saw the light of day because Debbie offered to invest in her. I believe that she was given the land for SH for free and the business operates there without paying rent. I mean, when it first started, Kate even raided the Farmhouse for the best bits of furniture and decorations for the yurts.

Compare and contrast this, as they used to say in examinations, with the input of the other partners. Admittedly, Debbie doesn’t contribute much, living in Hungary and Alice has her own career, but then again, the two girls aren’t threatening to throw their toys out of the pram and break up the partnership. Adam on the other hand, has threatened to do just that, but when it comes to measuring his contribution to the success of the farm compared to Kate’s efforts, there’s no contest.

Adam runs the soft fruit operation, organises the polytunnels, recruits the picker workforce and makes sure they are looked after. Adam is hands-on with the arable side of things; not only on Home Farm, but carrying out contract work for BL and Brookfield, all of which brings in money. Adam used to spend countless nights in the lambing shed, seeing to difficult births and abandoned lambs. He works all the hours God gave and, on top of all this, he looks after the deer herd and has also been instrumental in improving the quality of the soil at Home Farm immeasurably in order to ensure the farm’s sustainability in years to come. All this is Adam’s contribution. Kate on the other hand sits in a tent, plays weird music and heats up a rock every now and then.

Rooooth unwittingly complicates the Home Farm situation when she goes to see Jennifer in order to see if she made things worse when she suggested considering the sale of the farmhouse (yes Rooooth, you did). Jen asks her to be honest about selling the house; after all, she and David very nearly gave up Brookfield some time back. Rooooth makes a worse thing worser, to coin a phrase, when she says it wasn’t the house that made them stay, it was the land. I seem to remember that Justin Elliott was willing to pay £7.5 million for Brookfield, but that’s by the by.

Jennifer is coming round to the idea of selling the house, but Brian won’t hear of it and is taking refuge in whisky. Jennifer says she cannot stand the situation any longer and runs off to bed, saying that she is exhausted and shattered. Brian rings Debbie in Hungary and begs her to come home. Why? So she can talk sense into Kate, Alice and Adam, plus he fears Jenny is on the edge. “We’re at crisis point” he tells his daughter, “I can’t do this on my own. Please. I need you here – now.”

We’ve spent a lot of time on Home Farm, but what else has been happening? Fallon cannot make up her mind about bridesmaids and she still hasn’t found a wedding dress. Jazzer offers to help her look for one and the pair spend a lot of time going from shop to shop, with Jazzer knocking back the free Prosecco. Eventually they find the exact thing in a vintage clothes shop and Fallon also decides on the bridesmaid dilemma, by asking Jazzer if he would be her bridesman. He is stunned at first, but eventually agrees, saying “OK, but no taffeta.” I can hardly wait.

Alistair is on a downward spiral, as his solicitor reckons that any money that he gets from Shula will be spent in buying out Anisha. Alistair tells Jazzer to get another round in and Jazzer comments about how much Alistair is drinking, so you know that it must be a huge amount if Jazzer thinks it’s a lot. While Jazzer is at the bar, Alistair puts some money in a slot machine – the ex-gambler’s spiral just got that bit steeper.

Freddie and Lily still can’t decide whether or not to grass each other up over his drugs dealing and her affair with a tutor. Surely someone is going to notice something soon? The situation is made more complicated when Lily finds out that Freddie has been dealing to the pickers at Home Farm. That’s all the Aldridges need right now – the drug squad moving in and taking Adam’s labour force away.

Lynda has been having a frustrating time, trying to find someone to take the part of goalkeeper in a ‘beat the goalie’ competition for the fete. Eventually, Emma agrees to do it, but she hasn’t a clue what she has signed up for. I thought she was already working 24/7? Emma is not a happy camper – having been tipped off by Pat about the amazing shrinking affordable homes story, she confronts Justin, who fobs her off with the spiel about profitability. Pat seeks out Emma, who tells her that her hopes have been dashed. Pat says that, as a Parish Councillor, Emma can campaign against Justin and that she will stand shoulder to shoulder with her. Emma agrees – something needs to be done. If Justin is looking for a quiet life, I’d make sure that Emma was first on the list for a home – that is assuming that there will be any built at all, of course.

Rex is worried about the forthcoming move to Newmarket – he wants to be part of his new niece or nephew’s life. Gosh yes, it is so far away, isn’t it? Must be 35 miles if it’s an inch. Rex also wants to look after Toby, but Tobes, in a rare bit of self-awareness, says that it’s time he stood on his own two feet and Rex should follow his heart. Sound advice Tobes, so go, Rex – now.

Two other people having doubts about the future are Tom and Helen. Having taken up the mantle of running Bridge Farm, they don’t seem quite able to decide what to do with it. Eventually, they realise that their grandiose scheme for a new building as an educational establishment is not a goer and that Helen’s cheese-making courses are only ever going to attract a paltry few punters. The answer? To concentrate on their core values, for Helen to develop a new soft cheese, put the new building on hold and Tom to concentrate on developing kombucha, which is apparently a healthy alternative to fizzy drinks and, yes, I believe it isfermented. I swear, we were thatclose to being given a mission statement.

Johnny is disappointed in the plans – he feels that Bridge Farm is turning from being a farm to a food processor – it was the thin end of the wedge when they got rid of the dairy herd. To Johnny, a farm is a place with animals, crops, drones and driverless tractors, while to Tom it is a place where things go ‘gloop’ in steel vats. Sadly for Johnny, Tom’s the gaffer, but maybe Johnny’s time will come – let’s face it, even if kombucha (and no, I couldn’t be bothered to look it up) is twice as successful as kefir, it will still be a monumental waste of time.