Meet ‘Shrapnel’ Fairbrother

Rhys Bevan (Toby Fairbrother)

Toby comes across Pip outside, looking at her tablet - is she looking at the birthing suite of the hospital? No, actually she’s checking up on the quality of the grazing at Brookfield. Pip isn’t happy - practically all the girls on her pre-natal course have given birth and she’s fed up with waiting. Toby reminds her that it isn’t a race and “mixing your looks and my brains takes time.” Pip lets out a little moan (I must admit that I nearly threw up at Toby‘s words) - but she’s in pain. Could it be a contraction? Toby whips out a stopwatch but makes a complete mess of timing them.

In fact, he goes to pieces so completely that we have dubbed him ‘Shrapnel’. He walks Pip back to Rickyard, terrified that she might be giving birth in the orchard. “There’s chickens, and bees” he says in a panicky voice. When they get back, Rooooth is waiting and she asks her daughter exactly what she is feeling, and where. Eventually, they decide that the pain was Braxton Hicks contractions, which I personally think sounds like the latest elementary particle being searched for by the Large Hadron Collider.

Be that as it may, Pip suggests that Toby gets back to the still, where a man called Stan has been left in charge. Presumably Toby is paying Stan, so where’s the money coming from, and has Toby repaid Pip’s £5,000 yet? When he has gone, Pip confides to her mother that Toby “was lovely, in a completely useless sort of way” and she admitted that she was scared. Would Rooooth consider being there at the birth? “Of course I will” her mother replies.

Sometimes the writers have an inhabitant of Ambridge doing something completely contrary to their usual behaviour, and last week we had a prime example of this. Johnny was talking to Tony about Freddie’s plans for travelling to Thailand and South Africa and he admitted that he had been thinking of doing some travelling himself. In fact, Freddie had told Johnny that, if he were to join him in South Africa, then he (Freddie) would pay some of the costs, as it would be great to have his best friend joining him in such great experiences as cage diving with Great White Sharks. Actually Freddie, I think you’ll find that real men don’t bother with the cage and they douse themselves liberally with blood before stepping into the water. Trust me on this.

You can’t help wondering if Johnny would be so grateful to Freddie if he knew that the latter’s generosity is a result of his earnings as a drug runner. Then again, perhaps he’d turn a blind eye. Freddie tells Tony that, by saving up and with a promise from his mum and Eamonn for some financial help, he is about halfway there. And it is now that we encounter the ‘out of character’ bit, as Tony says that he will make up the remaining half, as they are keen that all the family should benefit from the windfall from Damara. Johnny is overcome, as he should be, and cannot wait to tell Freddie.

Now, far be it for me to suggest that Tony is tighter than Jordan’s sweater, but the truth is that he is. Apparently there is a plaque on the wall in The Bull, saying ‘In this bar, on 19^thMay 1967, Tony Archer bought someone a drink’. Of course, having money could have warped Tony’s mind, but if I were Johnny, I’d ask for the money sooner, rather than later.

The village Fete approaches and we will, thankfully, soon be rid of the Pets’ Party Pieces story. We learned that three more owners have contacted the organisers to enter their pets and we were treated to a preview of Joe Grundy’s amazing reappearing ferret trick. On the loudly-declaimed cue of “I’m a man of worth and merit - has anybody seen my ferret?” Daphne the ferret reappears from the secret hiding place in Joe’s trousers (no, I didn’t want to think about it either). Or at least she would have, had a) Joe’s zip not become stuck and b) had Daphne not decided it was time for her nap. It was down to Ed to dislodge Daphne. Lucky him.

“It must have been horrible” commented Emma. “Yes it was” agrees Joe. “It must have been bad for you as well, Joe” Emma adds. Just so the writers could squeeze the last ounce of humour from the situation, we had Jazzer recounting the story to Alistair the next day. “Daphne will need a psychotherapist, not a vet” is the pigman’s opinion.

Jazzer also tells Alistair about how his brother did a job for a lady whose son is a racehorse trainer and she passed on a red-hot tip for a race at Felpersham Races next week. “Did he mention the name of the horse?” Alistair asks, casually. Hold hard Alistair - this way misery lies. There was a disagreement between Alistair and Shula at the mediation meeting, with the vet saying that Shula should make payment for all the years of treatment that he supplied at cost, and without charging for labour. Alistair also tells Lance (the poor sod whose job it is to referee between the two) that the money that Anisha brought into the business enabled him and Shula to pay off part of their mortgage. Shula is stunned by Alistair’s attitude and tells Lance the whole story - the only reason they had a mortgage at this stage of their lives was because they took it out to cover “Alistair’s substantial gambling debts” and, as far as she is concerned, he is not getting one penny more than they had originally agreed.

Money is at the root of a lot of troubles in Ambridge. Still, at least the situation at Home Farm is sorted out, with the partnership agreeing to sell the farmhouse. Well, actually it isn’t, as there are things to discuss, such as how much land to offer with the house, and Brian and Jenny tell their children not to mention the sale to anybody. Jenny should really have known better - if anybody says ‘don’t tell anybody’ or ‘this must go no further’ in Ambridge, then you might as well take a full-page ad in the Echo.

The week begins with the Home Farm children being argumentative and blaming each other; Alice had a long talk with Brian and she is convinced that he was railroaded into the decision. Brian tries to explain that that was not the case and that he has never been prouder of Jennifer than he was before the partnership meeting and she showed great courage and wisdom. Alice doesn’t believe him and, later, tells her siblings that, for the first time, Brian “looked like an old man”. He’ll be 75 in November, in case you were wondering.

Alice blames Debbie (who has remained in Ambridge to support her mother) and Adam, and also Kate, for suggesting the idea in the first place. Kate, bless her, cannot understand what all the fuss is about, as she is convinced that the farmhouse will never be sold. In the unfathomable reaches of what she is pleased to call her mind, Kate says that it is a massive bluff and, now that they have called it, Brian will come up with another solution. “They may have taken you all in, but not me,“ says our least-favourite Aldridge child, adding: “Can you imagine living anywhere else? It’s unthinkable.” Kate seems incapable of realising that there is no Plan B, but hey - she could always live in a Yurt.

Debbie drags Alice out for a ride and, on returning to the Stables, they meet Lilian. Debbie goes off to see Peggy (and there is much faffing about regarding whether it is Debbie or Lilian who loves Viennese Whirls - actually it’s neither) and Alice takes Lilian to one side, saying that she needs some advice - her parents are, she believes, about to make the biggest mistake of their lives.

Later on, Lilian and Jenny meet up on the way to Peggy’s and Lilian says that Alice has blown the gaff (and how appropriate is that phrase?) about the sale of the farmhouse. Jenny begs her not to mention it to Peggy and adroitly heads her sister off on two or three occasions when Lilian tries to tell Peggy. Eventually, Lilian comes straight out with it. The whole idea, she says, is crazy and she has a couple of AmSide properties (I’d forgotten that she still worked there - and I use the word ‘work’ in its loosest sense) that she can sell and she’s sure that Peggy would chip in a few Pounds?

Peggy says nothing, but Jennifer gets in first, saying, in effect, that she doesn’t need charity and she and Brian are happy to move, so no more talk about it please. “Well done dear” Peggy says and an exasperated Lilian appeals to Debbie - can’t she get them to see reason? Debbie replies that she’s not even going to try. “Mum has made a brave decision and I back her all the way.” Peggy shows exactly what she thinks, when she says “I quite agree” and the episode ends with Lilian sighing angrily.

Let’s return to Home Farm. It will soon be time for Adam to start combining at Brookfield, but Ed is finishing off combining at Home Farm when the dashboard of the machine lights up - it will require an engineer, as he tells Adam on the phone. Adam is already up against it - he has a fruit order to deliver to a supermarket in the next three hours. Brian suggests getting Ed, Debbie and someone else who is hauling grain, over to pick fruit and he will sort out the combine and the engineer. The day is saved all round.

On a personal note, I’d like to have a few words about combining. I live in the country and, a few nights ago, we had a farmer combining his nearby field at 2am, which is great when you have the bedroom windows open because of the heat. ‘Perhaps he knows something about the weather forecast that we don’t’ we said (it hasn’t rained here for around eight weeks) and, sure enough, five days later, it still hasn’t rained. I know who the farmer is. But back to the blog.

Brian and Adam are trying out the repaired combine (it was the Wobble Box - no, me neither - had to be replaced) and Brian says that he received an e-mail from Rooooth, resigning as Ruairi’s attorney. Adam goes to Brookfield the following day to apologise for missing the start of harvest (partly due to rain, the lucky so-and-so) and promising that he will start at the crack of sparrow’s tomorrow. Rooooth apologises for resigning from the partnership, but explains that last week was the week from hell, with everybody trying to push her one way or another. Adam says, on the contrary, they should be saying sorry to her. Rooooth suggests that they listen to Ruairi - he may not be legally of age, but he knows what he wants.

Finally, we leave Jenny and Debbie looking at properties online. Jenny breaks down and has a snuffle and Debbie realises how hard this is for her mum. Jen brushes a way the tears, but says that so much of her life has been played out between these walls and “Leaving it behind is going to be the most terrible wrench.” Maybe there is a Plan B - get those lottery tickets filled in, Brian.