Maybe Staying In Hungary Would Have Been Less Stressful Debbie?

Tamsin Greig (Debbie Aldridge)

I’m afraid that much of this week’s blog will be taken up by events at Home Farm (aka the Allotment - see last week’s posting). Debbie flies in from Hungary in response to Brian’s pleas and he picks her up from the airport. He immediately tries to influence her opinion, but she tells him sternly that a) she is knackered by getting up at the crack of sparrow’s to catch her flight, b) she is not just there to rubber stamp Brian’s opinion and c) he has made an almighty cock-up of the entire situation and has ignored Kate’s opinions and not kept the family in the loop from day one.

Brian has already tried to stack the deck in his favour, by visiting Rooooth and telling her that her recent interventions at the last partners’ meeting were far from helpful and would she mind not raising the subject of selling the farmhouse? Plus, if Kate should broach the subject at the meeting on Friday, would Rooooth please keep her gob shut? Rooooth, who is getting increasingly fed up with the in-fighting among the Aldridges, says she will be as quiet as a mouse.

On arrival at Home Farm, Debbie says that she’d like to walk the farm and get a feel for what’s going on. Brian immediately offers to drive her, but Debbie shuns his offer and says that she will walk with Jennifer - it will give them a chance to catch up. Debbie is shocked by the scale of the clean-up operations at Low Mead and Jennifer raises the prospect of selling the farmhouse, saying that selling the house might keep the family together. Debbie replies that this is the time in Jennifer’s life when the children should be looking out for her and Brian and it is her job this week to come up with a better solution.

Good luck with that Debbie. Adam seeks out Rooooth “to find out where your head is at”. It’s that round, and some might say vacant, thing on top of her shoulders, Adam. Rooooth tells Adam about Brian’s attempt to gag her and he is apoplectic - how dare Brian tell Rooooth to keep quiet? Later, Adam tells Alice about Brian’s interference and Alice gets the wrong end of the stick, thinking that Rooooth is pro selling the farmhouse and it’s nothing to do with her. Alice (and this is without having had a drink, which is unusual for her) goes to see Rooooth and tells her to back off, to which Rooooth replies that she doesn’t have an axe to grind but, the way things are going, she’s very close to resigning as Ruairi’s attorney in the farm partnership and, to be perfectly honest, I don‘t think anyone would blame her for walking away. Whatever, none of this is making Debbie’s task any easier.

And things don’t get any better when Debbie meets with Kate to discuss possible alternatives. Kate is passionate about preserving Spiritual Home and tells Debbie that her sister just doesn’t understand what it means to her. “So tell me” says Debbie, and Kate explains that, when she found the site, it was perfect (being rent-free probably helped) and Kate cannot accept Debbie’s suggestion of moving location; even with compensation. SH is the first thing that Kate has made a success of and enabled her children to look up to her. Even Phoebe (see last week’s blog speculating on brain damage brought on by excessive studying at Oxford) has begun sticking up for her mother, which is a first.

Thus far Debbie must be wondering why she flew over from Hungary, apparently as it seems that her second in command Lazlo is a complete tosser who cannot cope if Debbie so much as has an extra half hour for lunch. In desperation, she rings up David and asks if he is available for a stiff drink. Of course; when was she thinking of? “Now would be good” she replies. Over a pint of whisky (probably not) she pours out her troubles to him and says “Whatever we decide on Friday, someone I love is going to get badly hurt.”

On Thursday, Brian is still trying to find out which way Debbie is thinking. Alice tells her father that they are sure to win, but Brian is not 100% convinced. At a family lunch (minus Kate, Adam and Alice) Jennifer forbids any talk about the forthcoming meeting. Afterwards, she asks her daughter (while looking at photo albums when Debbie was five years old) if she has come up with a solution. Debbie admits that she hasn’t and Jennifer asks if she has considered selling the farmhouse. Debbie is adamant that this is not an option - Jenny has put so much into making it a home (and Brian has put a fair few £1000s into the kitchen as well). “That’s your heart talking, darling” Jen says, “but what’s your head saying?”

It’s the morning of the partnership meeting and Brian has gone walkabout, which is annoying for Jenny, as she wants to talk to him. He eventually comes back and Jenny says that they are going into the meeting and tell everybody that the only solution is to sell the farmhouse. “We’ve tried everything else and anything other will break up the family.” Brian says surely they can find a compromise, but Jenny is adamant - they have tried and all they have done is to create a lot of bitterness.

“But if I can’t keep a roof over my family’s house, what sort of man am I?” Brian asks. Hm, how about devious, slippery, adulterous, priapic and probably at least half a dozen more adjectives that I’m sure our readers could supply with a few seconds’ thought.

Jennifer says that this is the only solution that will keep the family together. But what about Ruairi? Jen says that she had a long talk with him and he is sensitive to the toxic atmosphere at Home Farm - and that’s within the family, rather than the clean-up at Low Mead - and he would rather live in a smaller house than see the whole family fall apart. Jen tells her husband: “If you really do care for me Brian and want what’s best for all our children, we’d better go and tell everybody what we‘ve decided, hadn’t we Brian?” I just love the ’we’ and I’d like to hear Alice’s reaction.

But away from Home Farm, there is trouble with the reconditioned ’Whack A Mole’ machine. To cut a long and, it has to be said, tedious, story short, it’s not working well - indeed, it’s not working at all. It’s not the snail cams and, despite what Kenton, Jim and Justin might think, it’s not the touch sensors. No, the frame is out of true and some delicate bashing gets it back into shape, with moles popping up at random. The moles have been lovingly refurbished by Lynda, although there is a body of opinion that they look a little sinister, but when the machine has its first successful run, Monty the Doberman nips in and decapitates one.

This brings us neatly to the Pets’ Party Pieces section of the Fete. Lynda has been trying to get Monty to count to 10 (perhaps she would be better off entering him in the ‘destroying Fete equipment’ section). So far, Monty has managed to count up to - one, which is not that impressive - for God’s sake, even Jazzer can do better than that, on his day.

PPP is gripping the village - apparently Lilian has Abba blasting out all the day (no-one knows why) and Justin visits Lynda, as a representative of the Fete committee, to see if she would be interested in Berrow Farm sponsoring the first prize in the PPP competition. He also has another suggestion; how about Neil as the PPP judge? Lynda wants some second rate local journalist, but he seems incapable of returning an e-mail, so she’ll think about it. (I’d just like to say that, as a semi-retired trade journalist, I find these slurs on my profession offensive, but we all have our cross to bear).

Justin was given the idea by Susan, who used Neil’s phone, and it’s fair to say that Neil is far from thrilled at the prospect, while his wife thinks it will greatly enhance his standing in the community. No it won’t - let’s say that there are 10 entrants for PPP, then if Neil picks one, then that means he has pissed off nine pet owners, who will probably never buy Berrow Farm pork again. Susan also tells Emma that she needn’t worry about getting one of the new houses, as she has ‘a secret weapon’, by which she means Neil will have a word with Justin; something else that Neil isn’t at all happy about.

Over at the Stables, Anisha deals Alistair another hammer blow. The good news is that she’s got cover for her equine appointments; the bad news is that she’s off in a couple of weeks. Alistair protests that he can never get the financial settlement in place in this short timescale, but Anisha is leaving anyway. Rex is worried - Anisha’s employers have sorted out a flat for them and she is expecting him to move with her. Rex is concerned - can he tie up the loose ends in Ambridge? Pip says it will be great for him and he should seize the opportunity. On a slightly less cerebral note, Toby says that, if Rex isn’t interested in a relationship with Anisha, ”tell her I’m warming up on the sub’s bench.” Yuck!

And so to Brookfield, where Josh is appropriating more tarpaulins and hay bales for his temporary spray paint booth. David and Rooooth broach the subject of rent, paying thereof, but Josh makes an excuse and leaves. Later on, David tracks him down and raises the subject again. Josh has a plan - how about that they wait till the end of the financial year, then they can go through Josh’s accounts and set a fair commercial rent. After all, as he tells his dad, if he has a few lean months, he wouldn’t want his parents to feel guilty about harming his business.

David remarks that Josh is looking for nine months’ rent-free tenancy on the farm. “Gosh, is it that long?” Josh asks, in well-feigned astonishment. David confirms that, yes it is, but surprises his son by agreeing to his terms. But there is a catch - he is sure that Josh wouldn’t want to take advantage of his parents, so David thinks that, in the interim, Josh should pay a commission - say 5% or even 10% - on any machine he sells; that way, if he has a lean month or two, he won‘t be penalised. Josh isn’t happy, but realises that he has been out-thought. And serve the pretentious little twister right.