Rexit Doesn’t Mean Rexit

Anisha is frantically getting ready to depart for her new job in Newmarket, but Rex wants to talk to her. They eventually get some time together on Tuesday at Blossom Hill Cottage and Anisha asks Rex if she should take his spare toiletries for when he comes to visit? Rex says he's sorry, but he won't be moving to Newmarket - he doesn't want to hurt Nish "but I can't see myself anywhere but here in Ambridge; it's where I belong." He cites his business and his new niece (of which more later) as reasons for staying, plus, he has to keep an eye on Toby to make sure he doesn't mess things up.

 

Nish isn't that surprised - she was initially surprised that he had agreed to go in the first place - and she said that at least they had a lot of fun. It was just sad that she obviously wasn't "the one" and neither have any regrets, although she did shed a tear or two. Rex and Nish meet at Blossom Hill Cottage on Friday (the day she is due to leave) and they have a touching farewell. She calls him "a lovely man who deserves someone special." "So do you" Rex replies and there is the sound of a long-drawn-out kiss before Rex walks out of her life forever.

 

I was disappointed that Rex and Nish didn't get it together permanently, but did they need to split up? My PC tells me that it is 111 miles from Newmarket to Birmingham (which we know is somewhere near Ambridge) and that's hardly halfway round the world, is it? I know people who commute longer distances on a daily basis. Let's examine the pros and cons for staying; Rex has his pig business, but I cannot believe that this is the culmination of his life's ambition, neither does he have the (slightly creepy) affection that Jazzer exhibits for his porcine charges, so leaving would be no great wrench. 

 

True, he has his new niece (I haven't forgotten) and then there's Toby. Why Rex feels he has to look after his brother is a mystery - Toby is old enough to stand on his own two feet, surely? In fact, if I were Rex and I had the chance to leave Toby behind, I'd start walking to Newmarket right away.

 

It was a busy week for Rex. Pip left the fete early on Sunday and asked Emma to tell Rooooth. Rooooth thinks she should give her daughter a call, but she has left her phone at home. Meanwhile, Pip is in some discomfort and she discovers that there is nobody at home. In a panic, she phones Toby, but it goes to voicemail. Pip says she is having contractions and this is not a false alarm - the baby is coming. "Toby, get here. I need you here - NOW!" Pip yells at the phone.

 

Toby doesn't make it, but luckily Rex is passing and Pip flags him down - she needs to get to hospital. Rex takes her and they pick up Rooooth on the way. Toby eventually arrives and he is as much use as a one-legged man at a bum-kicking party ("Shut up Toby" Pip snaps at one piece of fatuous advice) and Rex calms him down, before making his exit. To cut to the chase, after a long and difficult labour and a caesarean, Pip and Toby have a beautiful daughter and both are delighted. Toby nips out to phone Rex and finds that his brother spent the night at the hospital. Toby takes him back so that he can see and hold his new niece and Pip can't believe that he stayed all night.

 

On Wednesday, Pip is ready to come home and David is fussing like an old woman while Toby tries to fit the baby seat in the car. He does so and drives off, with David telling Rooooth that he would have preferred to have gone instead of Toby. On the way home from hospital, Pip is pointing out to the baby where the various members of the Archer family live and Toby keeps referring to his new daughter as 'Juniper'. Pip is not amused and, when they get to Brookfield, we learn that the new arrival will be called Rosie Ruth Archer, Rose being Pip's middle name. 

 

The new grandparents (and great-grandmother Jill) are besotted with Rosie and David has made a cot for his granddaughter. Having this baby could be the best thing that Toby has ever done as, on Friday, he is walking in the garden, carrying his daughter and he runs into Jill. Jill says that they are having a family get-together to celebrate Shula's and Kenton's 60th birthdays (8thAugust, so you've got time to send a card) and they would be delighted if Toby would join them. He says thank you - he'd be delighted.

 

How things change! It was only a few months ago that she banned Toby from her birthday celebrations and she would only have him in the house if she could flay the flesh from his bones and then roll him in salt. In short, he was not her favourite person. Now, one great-granddaughter later, he is being invited to family gatherings. Even better, Jill invites him (and brother Rex, who has just turned up) inside for a cup of tea and some ginger snaps that she has just made. Toby lets her hold Rosie and Jill says that she will change her nappy. While she is out of the room, Rex tells Toby about Anisha. Toby says he realises how hard a decision it was to make, but he is chuffed that Rex is staying. Just then Toby's phone rings and it is the boys' father - he's coming to stay. They break the news to Jill and, as she is of the opinion that Robin Fairbrother is Satan's more evil brother (he was the half brother of Grace, Phil's first wife and he had a fling with Elizabeth, resulting in Liz throwing a glass of wine in his face), then this will test Toby's new status to the limit.

 

At Home Farm, Adam is having trouble with the pickers, many of whom have decided that they have earned enough money and want to go home, before the season ends. Adam says that he will have to offer them a pay rise. "Get their names," Brian advises, "so that we don't have them back next year." I thought that there was a dearth of foreign pickers this year - Adam was desperate a few weeks ago (he still is) so Brian's attitude might be a bit short-sighted. Mind you, I suppose we are lucky that he didn't recommend flogging them, or dragging them behind the combine.

 

However, Adam has a lot on his mind, as he has just learned that Lexi's second fertility treatment was unsuccessful - now he and Ian (and Lexi, of course) have only one attempt remaining. Jennifer is devastated for her son, but is hopeful that it will be third time lucky.

 

Now that the decision to sell the farmhouse has been made, Jenny is keen to get it over with and tells Brian to contact Estate Agents right away. Adam tells Brian that Jen's attitude is all an act and leaving the farmhouse will break her heart. Brian says he knows. Someone else who wasn't happy was Debbie who, as she prepared to return to Hungary had "one last look" at the views from the house. She feels that her visit didn't do any good, as she failed to prevent the sale of the house and I reckon she's probably relieved to be leaving - especially as Kate is still convinced that the sale isn't going to happen. God knows who she thinks that man is, going round the house with a clipboard and a tape measure and a 'Rodways Estate Agents' badge.

 

Earlier, we mentioned the Fete and tempers were frayed at the Pets' Party Pieces competition. Lynda caught Lilian smearing the roof of Ruby's mouth with peanut butter - Ruby's trick was to lip-synch along to Abba songs - and complained to judge Neil. Lilian got her revenge - Monty's turn was as the mathematical dog; Lynda would ask questions, such as 'what is four divided by two?' or 'what is the square root of 967?' and Monty would bark the answer. Lilian spotted Robert in the audience, signalling to Monty when to stop barking. Lynda denied it, but the fact that Robert was waving an ostrich feather took some explaining away. Lilian promptly complained to Neil as well and he was so fed up that he docked points from both women. The eventual winner was Lavinia, who kept winking at Alistair and blowing him kisses, much to his embarrassment.

 

Emma, who was at the Fete in her position of goalkeeper in the 'Beat the Goalie'competition, thought that she had pulled off a coup when she buttonholed the reporter from the Echo and explained about how Damara were reneging on their promise to build a certain number of affordable houses. The scribe seemed very interested, Emma said afterwards, and she was looking forward to next week's issue, as the reporter said there would be a substantial article in it. Her hopes were dashed when the paper appeared and, under the headline 'Parish Councillor drops the ball again' there was a picture of Emma in goal, being tripped up by the dog Holly as the ball nestled in the net. Not a single mention of affordable homes - something that Emma put down to the Echo being scared of losing Damara's advertising.

 

Lavinia's behaviour at the Fete caused gossip all round the village and, when Alistair is hungover one morning, Shula berates him, saying that she doesn't care what he does, but don't flaunt it. Alistair protests that he hasn't been with Lavinia, but that he has 'slipped up' and wants to explain further, but Shula isn't interested. Neither is she happy when Alistair presents her with an invoice for work he has done for the Stables over the past three months, but remains icily calm when she tells him that it will be paid. Sounds like Alistair is gambling again - seek help now, man.

 

Lily and Phoebe are picking fruit at Home Farm. Actually they are talking - "Less talking, more picking please" Adam admonishes them. Phoebe refuses to believe that Lily is a lesbian, or bi-sexual and, eventually, Lily tells her about Russ. If Phoebe was staggered by the news that Lily and the Vice Principal were having an affair, her incredulity rises another notch when Lily mentions that he is married. She's got it all worked out - when she goes to uni, Russ will go with her, after telling his wife. Phoebe asks what will they live on, as he will never be allowed to teach again. That's OK - he's going to be an artist, plus they will have Lily's student loan.

 

Phoebe cannot believe her ears and tells Lily that it is just not going to happen and "Get real!". Lily is unperturbed and explains that she doesn't need to, as Russ would never lie to her. I know love is proverbially blind, but it also seems pretty dense in this instance.

 

Finally, let us return to the newborn Rosie. Some of the older residents of Ambridge, and older listeners too, might recall that, in 1965, Walter Gabriel bought an elephant to appear at the summer festival and its name was - yes, you've guessed it. Let's hope for her sake that Pip's new daughter doesn't grow up to be a bit on the chubby side, or comparisons might be made.

 

Meet ‘Shrapnel’ Fairbrother

Rhys Bevan (Toby Fairbrother)

Toby comes across Pip outside, looking at her tablet - is she looking at the birthing suite of the hospital? No, actually she’s checking up on the quality of the grazing at Brookfield. Pip isn’t happy - practically all the girls on her pre-natal course have given birth and she’s fed up with waiting. Toby reminds her that it isn’t a race and “mixing your looks and my brains takes time.” Pip lets out a little moan (I must admit that I nearly threw up at Toby‘s words) - but she’s in pain. Could it be a contraction? Toby whips out a stopwatch but makes a complete mess of timing them.

In fact, he goes to pieces so completely that we have dubbed him ‘Shrapnel’. He walks Pip back to Rickyard, terrified that she might be giving birth in the orchard. “There’s chickens, and bees” he says in a panicky voice. When they get back, Rooooth is waiting and she asks her daughter exactly what she is feeling, and where. Eventually, they decide that the pain was Braxton Hicks contractions, which I personally think sounds like the latest elementary particle being searched for by the Large Hadron Collider.

Be that as it may, Pip suggests that Toby gets back to the still, where a man called Stan has been left in charge. Presumably Toby is paying Stan, so where’s the money coming from, and has Toby repaid Pip’s £5,000 yet? When he has gone, Pip confides to her mother that Toby “was lovely, in a completely useless sort of way” and she admitted that she was scared. Would Rooooth consider being there at the birth? “Of course I will” her mother replies.

Sometimes the writers have an inhabitant of Ambridge doing something completely contrary to their usual behaviour, and last week we had a prime example of this. Johnny was talking to Tony about Freddie’s plans for travelling to Thailand and South Africa and he admitted that he had been thinking of doing some travelling himself. In fact, Freddie had told Johnny that, if he were to join him in South Africa, then he (Freddie) would pay some of the costs, as it would be great to have his best friend joining him in such great experiences as cage diving with Great White Sharks. Actually Freddie, I think you’ll find that real men don’t bother with the cage and they douse themselves liberally with blood before stepping into the water. Trust me on this.

You can’t help wondering if Johnny would be so grateful to Freddie if he knew that the latter’s generosity is a result of his earnings as a drug runner. Then again, perhaps he’d turn a blind eye. Freddie tells Tony that, by saving up and with a promise from his mum and Eamonn for some financial help, he is about halfway there. And it is now that we encounter the ‘out of character’ bit, as Tony says that he will make up the remaining half, as they are keen that all the family should benefit from the windfall from Damara. Johnny is overcome, as he should be, and cannot wait to tell Freddie.

Now, far be it for me to suggest that Tony is tighter than Jordan’s sweater, but the truth is that he is. Apparently there is a plaque on the wall in The Bull, saying ‘In this bar, on 19^thMay 1967, Tony Archer bought someone a drink’. Of course, having money could have warped Tony’s mind, but if I were Johnny, I’d ask for the money sooner, rather than later.

The village Fete approaches and we will, thankfully, soon be rid of the Pets’ Party Pieces story. We learned that three more owners have contacted the organisers to enter their pets and we were treated to a preview of Joe Grundy’s amazing reappearing ferret trick. On the loudly-declaimed cue of “I’m a man of worth and merit - has anybody seen my ferret?” Daphne the ferret reappears from the secret hiding place in Joe’s trousers (no, I didn’t want to think about it either). Or at least she would have, had a) Joe’s zip not become stuck and b) had Daphne not decided it was time for her nap. It was down to Ed to dislodge Daphne. Lucky him.

“It must have been horrible” commented Emma. “Yes it was” agrees Joe. “It must have been bad for you as well, Joe” Emma adds. Just so the writers could squeeze the last ounce of humour from the situation, we had Jazzer recounting the story to Alistair the next day. “Daphne will need a psychotherapist, not a vet” is the pigman’s opinion.

Jazzer also tells Alistair about how his brother did a job for a lady whose son is a racehorse trainer and she passed on a red-hot tip for a race at Felpersham Races next week. “Did he mention the name of the horse?” Alistair asks, casually. Hold hard Alistair - this way misery lies. There was a disagreement between Alistair and Shula at the mediation meeting, with the vet saying that Shula should make payment for all the years of treatment that he supplied at cost, and without charging for labour. Alistair also tells Lance (the poor sod whose job it is to referee between the two) that the money that Anisha brought into the business enabled him and Shula to pay off part of their mortgage. Shula is stunned by Alistair’s attitude and tells Lance the whole story - the only reason they had a mortgage at this stage of their lives was because they took it out to cover “Alistair’s substantial gambling debts” and, as far as she is concerned, he is not getting one penny more than they had originally agreed.

Money is at the root of a lot of troubles in Ambridge. Still, at least the situation at Home Farm is sorted out, with the partnership agreeing to sell the farmhouse. Well, actually it isn’t, as there are things to discuss, such as how much land to offer with the house, and Brian and Jenny tell their children not to mention the sale to anybody. Jenny should really have known better - if anybody says ‘don’t tell anybody’ or ‘this must go no further’ in Ambridge, then you might as well take a full-page ad in the Echo.

The week begins with the Home Farm children being argumentative and blaming each other; Alice had a long talk with Brian and she is convinced that he was railroaded into the decision. Brian tries to explain that that was not the case and that he has never been prouder of Jennifer than he was before the partnership meeting and she showed great courage and wisdom. Alice doesn’t believe him and, later, tells her siblings that, for the first time, Brian “looked like an old man”. He’ll be 75 in November, in case you were wondering.

Alice blames Debbie (who has remained in Ambridge to support her mother) and Adam, and also Kate, for suggesting the idea in the first place. Kate, bless her, cannot understand what all the fuss is about, as she is convinced that the farmhouse will never be sold. In the unfathomable reaches of what she is pleased to call her mind, Kate says that it is a massive bluff and, now that they have called it, Brian will come up with another solution. “They may have taken you all in, but not me,“ says our least-favourite Aldridge child, adding: “Can you imagine living anywhere else? It’s unthinkable.” Kate seems incapable of realising that there is no Plan B, but hey - she could always live in a Yurt.

Debbie drags Alice out for a ride and, on returning to the Stables, they meet Lilian. Debbie goes off to see Peggy (and there is much faffing about regarding whether it is Debbie or Lilian who loves Viennese Whirls - actually it’s neither) and Alice takes Lilian to one side, saying that she needs some advice - her parents are, she believes, about to make the biggest mistake of their lives.

Later on, Lilian and Jenny meet up on the way to Peggy’s and Lilian says that Alice has blown the gaff (and how appropriate is that phrase?) about the sale of the farmhouse. Jenny begs her not to mention it to Peggy and adroitly heads her sister off on two or three occasions when Lilian tries to tell Peggy. Eventually, Lilian comes straight out with it. The whole idea, she says, is crazy and she has a couple of AmSide properties (I’d forgotten that she still worked there - and I use the word ‘work’ in its loosest sense) that she can sell and she’s sure that Peggy would chip in a few Pounds?

Peggy says nothing, but Jennifer gets in first, saying, in effect, that she doesn’t need charity and she and Brian are happy to move, so no more talk about it please. “Well done dear” Peggy says and an exasperated Lilian appeals to Debbie - can’t she get them to see reason? Debbie replies that she’s not even going to try. “Mum has made a brave decision and I back her all the way.” Peggy shows exactly what she thinks, when she says “I quite agree” and the episode ends with Lilian sighing angrily.

Let’s return to Home Farm. It will soon be time for Adam to start combining at Brookfield, but Ed is finishing off combining at Home Farm when the dashboard of the machine lights up - it will require an engineer, as he tells Adam on the phone. Adam is already up against it - he has a fruit order to deliver to a supermarket in the next three hours. Brian suggests getting Ed, Debbie and someone else who is hauling grain, over to pick fruit and he will sort out the combine and the engineer. The day is saved all round.

On a personal note, I’d like to have a few words about combining. I live in the country and, a few nights ago, we had a farmer combining his nearby field at 2am, which is great when you have the bedroom windows open because of the heat. ‘Perhaps he knows something about the weather forecast that we don’t’ we said (it hasn’t rained here for around eight weeks) and, sure enough, five days later, it still hasn’t rained. I know who the farmer is. But back to the blog.

Brian and Adam are trying out the repaired combine (it was the Wobble Box - no, me neither - had to be replaced) and Brian says that he received an e-mail from Rooooth, resigning as Ruairi’s attorney. Adam goes to Brookfield the following day to apologise for missing the start of harvest (partly due to rain, the lucky so-and-so) and promising that he will start at the crack of sparrow’s tomorrow. Rooooth apologises for resigning from the partnership, but explains that last week was the week from hell, with everybody trying to push her one way or another. Adam says, on the contrary, they should be saying sorry to her. Rooooth suggests that they listen to Ruairi - he may not be legally of age, but he knows what he wants.

Finally, we leave Jenny and Debbie looking at properties online. Jenny breaks down and has a snuffle and Debbie realises how hard this is for her mum. Jen brushes a way the tears, but says that so much of her life has been played out between these walls and “Leaving it behind is going to be the most terrible wrench.” Maybe there is a Plan B - get those lottery tickets filled in, Brian.

Maybe Staying In Hungary Would Have Been Less Stressful Debbie?

Tamsin Greig (Debbie Aldridge)

I’m afraid that much of this week’s blog will be taken up by events at Home Farm (aka the Allotment - see last week’s posting). Debbie flies in from Hungary in response to Brian’s pleas and he picks her up from the airport. He immediately tries to influence her opinion, but she tells him sternly that a) she is knackered by getting up at the crack of sparrow’s to catch her flight, b) she is not just there to rubber stamp Brian’s opinion and c) he has made an almighty cock-up of the entire situation and has ignored Kate’s opinions and not kept the family in the loop from day one.

Brian has already tried to stack the deck in his favour, by visiting Rooooth and telling her that her recent interventions at the last partners’ meeting were far from helpful and would she mind not raising the subject of selling the farmhouse? Plus, if Kate should broach the subject at the meeting on Friday, would Rooooth please keep her gob shut? Rooooth, who is getting increasingly fed up with the in-fighting among the Aldridges, says she will be as quiet as a mouse.

On arrival at Home Farm, Debbie says that she’d like to walk the farm and get a feel for what’s going on. Brian immediately offers to drive her, but Debbie shuns his offer and says that she will walk with Jennifer - it will give them a chance to catch up. Debbie is shocked by the scale of the clean-up operations at Low Mead and Jennifer raises the prospect of selling the farmhouse, saying that selling the house might keep the family together. Debbie replies that this is the time in Jennifer’s life when the children should be looking out for her and Brian and it is her job this week to come up with a better solution.

Good luck with that Debbie. Adam seeks out Rooooth “to find out where your head is at”. It’s that round, and some might say vacant, thing on top of her shoulders, Adam. Rooooth tells Adam about Brian’s attempt to gag her and he is apoplectic - how dare Brian tell Rooooth to keep quiet? Later, Adam tells Alice about Brian’s interference and Alice gets the wrong end of the stick, thinking that Rooooth is pro selling the farmhouse and it’s nothing to do with her. Alice (and this is without having had a drink, which is unusual for her) goes to see Rooooth and tells her to back off, to which Rooooth replies that she doesn’t have an axe to grind but, the way things are going, she’s very close to resigning as Ruairi’s attorney in the farm partnership and, to be perfectly honest, I don‘t think anyone would blame her for walking away. Whatever, none of this is making Debbie’s task any easier.

And things don’t get any better when Debbie meets with Kate to discuss possible alternatives. Kate is passionate about preserving Spiritual Home and tells Debbie that her sister just doesn’t understand what it means to her. “So tell me” says Debbie, and Kate explains that, when she found the site, it was perfect (being rent-free probably helped) and Kate cannot accept Debbie’s suggestion of moving location; even with compensation. SH is the first thing that Kate has made a success of and enabled her children to look up to her. Even Phoebe (see last week’s blog speculating on brain damage brought on by excessive studying at Oxford) has begun sticking up for her mother, which is a first.

Thus far Debbie must be wondering why she flew over from Hungary, apparently as it seems that her second in command Lazlo is a complete tosser who cannot cope if Debbie so much as has an extra half hour for lunch. In desperation, she rings up David and asks if he is available for a stiff drink. Of course; when was she thinking of? “Now would be good” she replies. Over a pint of whisky (probably not) she pours out her troubles to him and says “Whatever we decide on Friday, someone I love is going to get badly hurt.”

On Thursday, Brian is still trying to find out which way Debbie is thinking. Alice tells her father that they are sure to win, but Brian is not 100% convinced. At a family lunch (minus Kate, Adam and Alice) Jennifer forbids any talk about the forthcoming meeting. Afterwards, she asks her daughter (while looking at photo albums when Debbie was five years old) if she has come up with a solution. Debbie admits that she hasn’t and Jennifer asks if she has considered selling the farmhouse. Debbie is adamant that this is not an option - Jenny has put so much into making it a home (and Brian has put a fair few £1000s into the kitchen as well). “That’s your heart talking, darling” Jen says, “but what’s your head saying?”

It’s the morning of the partnership meeting and Brian has gone walkabout, which is annoying for Jenny, as she wants to talk to him. He eventually comes back and Jenny says that they are going into the meeting and tell everybody that the only solution is to sell the farmhouse. “We’ve tried everything else and anything other will break up the family.” Brian says surely they can find a compromise, but Jenny is adamant - they have tried and all they have done is to create a lot of bitterness.

“But if I can’t keep a roof over my family’s house, what sort of man am I?” Brian asks. Hm, how about devious, slippery, adulterous, priapic and probably at least half a dozen more adjectives that I’m sure our readers could supply with a few seconds’ thought.

Jennifer says that this is the only solution that will keep the family together. But what about Ruairi? Jen says that she had a long talk with him and he is sensitive to the toxic atmosphere at Home Farm - and that’s within the family, rather than the clean-up at Low Mead - and he would rather live in a smaller house than see the whole family fall apart. Jen tells her husband: “If you really do care for me Brian and want what’s best for all our children, we’d better go and tell everybody what we‘ve decided, hadn’t we Brian?” I just love the ’we’ and I’d like to hear Alice’s reaction.

But away from Home Farm, there is trouble with the reconditioned ’Whack A Mole’ machine. To cut a long and, it has to be said, tedious, story short, it’s not working well - indeed, it’s not working at all. It’s not the snail cams and, despite what Kenton, Jim and Justin might think, it’s not the touch sensors. No, the frame is out of true and some delicate bashing gets it back into shape, with moles popping up at random. The moles have been lovingly refurbished by Lynda, although there is a body of opinion that they look a little sinister, but when the machine has its first successful run, Monty the Doberman nips in and decapitates one.

This brings us neatly to the Pets’ Party Pieces section of the Fete. Lynda has been trying to get Monty to count to 10 (perhaps she would be better off entering him in the ‘destroying Fete equipment’ section). So far, Monty has managed to count up to - one, which is not that impressive - for God’s sake, even Jazzer can do better than that, on his day.

PPP is gripping the village - apparently Lilian has Abba blasting out all the day (no-one knows why) and Justin visits Lynda, as a representative of the Fete committee, to see if she would be interested in Berrow Farm sponsoring the first prize in the PPP competition. He also has another suggestion; how about Neil as the PPP judge? Lynda wants some second rate local journalist, but he seems incapable of returning an e-mail, so she’ll think about it. (I’d just like to say that, as a semi-retired trade journalist, I find these slurs on my profession offensive, but we all have our cross to bear).

Justin was given the idea by Susan, who used Neil’s phone, and it’s fair to say that Neil is far from thrilled at the prospect, while his wife thinks it will greatly enhance his standing in the community. No it won’t - let’s say that there are 10 entrants for PPP, then if Neil picks one, then that means he has pissed off nine pet owners, who will probably never buy Berrow Farm pork again. Susan also tells Emma that she needn’t worry about getting one of the new houses, as she has ‘a secret weapon’, by which she means Neil will have a word with Justin; something else that Neil isn’t at all happy about.

Over at the Stables, Anisha deals Alistair another hammer blow. The good news is that she’s got cover for her equine appointments; the bad news is that she’s off in a couple of weeks. Alistair protests that he can never get the financial settlement in place in this short timescale, but Anisha is leaving anyway. Rex is worried - Anisha’s employers have sorted out a flat for them and she is expecting him to move with her. Rex is concerned - can he tie up the loose ends in Ambridge? Pip says it will be great for him and he should seize the opportunity. On a slightly less cerebral note, Toby says that, if Rex isn’t interested in a relationship with Anisha, ”tell her I’m warming up on the sub’s bench.” Yuck!

And so to Brookfield, where Josh is appropriating more tarpaulins and hay bales for his temporary spray paint booth. David and Rooooth broach the subject of rent, paying thereof, but Josh makes an excuse and leaves. Later on, David tracks him down and raises the subject again. Josh has a plan - how about that they wait till the end of the financial year, then they can go through Josh’s accounts and set a fair commercial rent. After all, as he tells his dad, if he has a few lean months, he wouldn’t want his parents to feel guilty about harming his business.

David remarks that Josh is looking for nine months’ rent-free tenancy on the farm. “Gosh, is it that long?” Josh asks, in well-feigned astonishment. David confirms that, yes it is, but surprises his son by agreeing to his terms. But there is a catch - he is sure that Josh wouldn’t want to take advantage of his parents, so David thinks that, in the interim, Josh should pay a commission - say 5% or even 10% - on any machine he sells; that way, if he has a lean month or two, he won‘t be penalised. Josh isn’t happy, but realises that he has been out-thought. And serve the pretentious little twister right.

Welcome To The Allotment (Sorry, I Meant Home Farm)

Lucy Morris (Phoebe Aldridge)

Well, it’s an easy mistake to make, as if Brian keeps selling off a bit here, a few acres there, Adam’s fruit enterprise will consist of one cherry tree and God only knows what will become of the herbal leys. Still, it’s an ill wind, as he won’t then be worried about a shortage of pickers. The gigantic combine will have a new use, trimming the Home Farm handkerchief-sized lawn.

But it is with Phoebe that I want to start this week, as we had clear proof that the pressure of Oxford has obviously warped her brain. Kate has taken herself off somewhere and the only contact with her family is via a solicitor’s letter, informing Brian that, if the land near Spiritual Home is sold, then she will sue. “She’s bluffing” says Brian and runs off to instruct his own solicitor.

Things are not going according to plan as Harriet (solicitor) tells Brian that Kate has a point and it might be prudent to call off the land sale (I promise that I will get round to talking about Phoebe soon). Brian tells Adam that, to cover Kate’s share, they would have to sell even more land – the allotment of this week’s title moves a step nearer.

But never mind! Brian has a possible solution to keep Kate and everybody else happy and he runs it past Adam. Actually, he runs it intoAdam, who is appalled – the soft fruit operation would be decimated, arable would be severely curtailed and the farm would be a shadow of its former self. “No, no, no!” says Adam, adding “it’s not going to happen” which is exactly the phrase he used to Jennifer when she brought up the subject of selling the house. Brian is convinced he is right “It’s a compromise” he tells Adam. “It’s a surrender!” Adam retorts and he informs Brian that, if he tries to sell the land, then he (Adam) will take a leaf out of Kate’s book and sue for his share. The words ‘back to’, ‘square’ and ‘one’ spring to mind.

So, that’s two of the partnership implacably opposed to the two solutions put forward thus far, but they are not the only ones involved. Rooooth, in her role as Ruairi’s representative, did suggest that selling the house could be an option, but nobody is really for that idea. So far we haven’t heard from Alice or Debbie, but, in Alice’s case at least, this is swiftly remedied, as she turns up, demanding to know what the – is going on and why can’t she get in touch with Kate and where the hell is she, anyway? Jennifer is trying to keep the peace, but there are so many different factions that she is having a hard time of it. She confides in Alice that she was given a hard time earlier by Phoebe and it is here that we learn that Pheebs has lost it big time and needs to seek help, urgently.

Why do I say this? It’s because Phoebe told Jennifer that her mother has done more for the farm than any other member of the family and has built up her business from nothing, so why should she be loyal when no-one else cares about her? Is the girl insane?

Obviously all the studying (or I suppose it could be drugs) has warped Phoebe’s view of the world - and why has her outlook changed so drastically? After all, it was only a couple of weeks ago that Phoebe was helping Jenny refresh Spiritual Home (fresh buffalo dung on the outside of the yurts, I reckon) and moaning because Kate wasn’t helping them, alongside comments like they shouldn’t be surprised, given Kate’s track record.

Let’s look at Phoebe’s deluded ramblings in the cold light of day. First of all, Kate’s contribution to the farm and its running. As far as we know, she pays no rent and lives in the holiday cottage that her parents gave her a few years back, coming back to Home Farm only when she feels the need to raid Brian’s wine cellar. She doesn’t contribute to the running of the farm in any way whatsoever and the only active thing that she has done on the farm is shag Toby Fairbrother a couple of times.

As for building up a business from nothing, her business plan was laughed to scorn by Brian and Spiritual Home only saw the light of day because Debbie offered to invest in her. I believe that she was given the land for SH for free and the business operates there without paying rent. I mean, when it first started, Kate even raided the Farmhouse for the best bits of furniture and decorations for the yurts.

Compare and contrast this, as they used to say in examinations, with the input of the other partners. Admittedly, Debbie doesn’t contribute much, living in Hungary and Alice has her own career, but then again, the two girls aren’t threatening to throw their toys out of the pram and break up the partnership. Adam on the other hand, has threatened to do just that, but when it comes to measuring his contribution to the success of the farm compared to Kate’s efforts, there’s no contest.

Adam runs the soft fruit operation, organises the polytunnels, recruits the picker workforce and makes sure they are looked after. Adam is hands-on with the arable side of things; not only on Home Farm, but carrying out contract work for BL and Brookfield, all of which brings in money. Adam used to spend countless nights in the lambing shed, seeing to difficult births and abandoned lambs. He works all the hours God gave and, on top of all this, he looks after the deer herd and has also been instrumental in improving the quality of the soil at Home Farm immeasurably in order to ensure the farm’s sustainability in years to come. All this is Adam’s contribution. Kate on the other hand sits in a tent, plays weird music and heats up a rock every now and then.

Rooooth unwittingly complicates the Home Farm situation when she goes to see Jennifer in order to see if she made things worse when she suggested considering the sale of the farmhouse (yes Rooooth, you did). Jen asks her to be honest about selling the house; after all, she and David very nearly gave up Brookfield some time back. Rooooth makes a worse thing worser, to coin a phrase, when she says it wasn’t the house that made them stay, it was the land. I seem to remember that Justin Elliott was willing to pay £7.5 million for Brookfield, but that’s by the by.

Jennifer is coming round to the idea of selling the house, but Brian won’t hear of it and is taking refuge in whisky. Jennifer says she cannot stand the situation any longer and runs off to bed, saying that she is exhausted and shattered. Brian rings Debbie in Hungary and begs her to come home. Why? So she can talk sense into Kate, Alice and Adam, plus he fears Jenny is on the edge. “We’re at crisis point” he tells his daughter, “I can’t do this on my own. Please. I need you here – now.”

We’ve spent a lot of time on Home Farm, but what else has been happening? Fallon cannot make up her mind about bridesmaids and she still hasn’t found a wedding dress. Jazzer offers to help her look for one and the pair spend a lot of time going from shop to shop, with Jazzer knocking back the free Prosecco. Eventually they find the exact thing in a vintage clothes shop and Fallon also decides on the bridesmaid dilemma, by asking Jazzer if he would be her bridesman. He is stunned at first, but eventually agrees, saying “OK, but no taffeta.” I can hardly wait.

Alistair is on a downward spiral, as his solicitor reckons that any money that he gets from Shula will be spent in buying out Anisha. Alistair tells Jazzer to get another round in and Jazzer comments about how much Alistair is drinking, so you know that it must be a huge amount if Jazzer thinks it’s a lot. While Jazzer is at the bar, Alistair puts some money in a slot machine – the ex-gambler’s spiral just got that bit steeper.

Freddie and Lily still can’t decide whether or not to grass each other up over his drugs dealing and her affair with a tutor. Surely someone is going to notice something soon? The situation is made more complicated when Lily finds out that Freddie has been dealing to the pickers at Home Farm. That’s all the Aldridges need right now – the drug squad moving in and taking Adam’s labour force away.

Lynda has been having a frustrating time, trying to find someone to take the part of goalkeeper in a ‘beat the goalie’ competition for the fete. Eventually, Emma agrees to do it, but she hasn’t a clue what she has signed up for. I thought she was already working 24/7? Emma is not a happy camper – having been tipped off by Pat about the amazing shrinking affordable homes story, she confronts Justin, who fobs her off with the spiel about profitability. Pat seeks out Emma, who tells her that her hopes have been dashed. Pat says that, as a Parish Councillor, Emma can campaign against Justin and that she will stand shoulder to shoulder with her. Emma agrees – something needs to be done. If Justin is looking for a quiet life, I’d make sure that Emma was first on the list for a home – that is assuming that there will be any built at all, of course.

Rex is worried about the forthcoming move to Newmarket – he wants to be part of his new niece or nephew’s life. Gosh yes, it is so far away, isn’t it? Must be 35 miles if it’s an inch. Rex also wants to look after Toby, but Tobes, in a rare bit of self-awareness, says that it’s time he stood on his own two feet and Rex should follow his heart. Sound advice Tobes, so go, Rex – now.

Two other people having doubts about the future are Tom and Helen. Having taken up the mantle of running Bridge Farm, they don’t seem quite able to decide what to do with it. Eventually, they realise that their grandiose scheme for a new building as an educational establishment is not a goer and that Helen’s cheese-making courses are only ever going to attract a paltry few punters. The answer? To concentrate on their core values, for Helen to develop a new soft cheese, put the new building on hold and Tom to concentrate on developing kombucha, which is apparently a healthy alternative to fizzy drinks and, yes, I believe it isfermented. I swear, we were thatclose to being given a mission statement.

Johnny is disappointed in the plans – he feels that Bridge Farm is turning from being a farm to a food processor – it was the thin end of the wedge when they got rid of the dairy herd. To Johnny, a farm is a place with animals, crops, drones and driverless tractors, while to Tom it is a place where things go ‘gloop’ in steel vats. Sadly for Johnny, Tom’s the gaffer, but maybe Johnny’s time will come – let’s face it, even if kombucha (and no, I couldn’t be bothered to look it up) is twice as successful as kefir, it will still be a monumental waste of time.