Help Lynda Pick A Pooch (Bonus Posting)

Ned emulating Lady

When it comes to thoroughness, you have to hand it to Lynda Snell – in her determination to find a replacement for the late, lamented Scruff, she is apparently going to test drive every breed of dog from Affenpinscher to Yorkshire Terrier. Let’s hope not, as there were 197 breeds listed on the website that I consulted and this would mean that the story would be longer running than the Helen and Rob saga (though presumably with less violence). 

If you or I were choosing a new canine companion, we might read up on a few breeds that we like, or just pop down to the nearest rescue centre and choose one with the cutest face, or floppiest ears or, as Neil did with his recently-acquired Ned, one that eats £20 notes and chews credit cards (and now books too! – Neil). Still, as I reminded him, there’s no such thing as bad dogs, only bad owners.

This isn’t thorough enough for our Lynda, who has been seen round Ambridge with a procession of assorted canines, including a Poodle, a Bulldog and her latest exhibit, a Bichon Frise called Lady. Where is she getting them all from? Rentabreed? Her story is that they are being lent to her by friends and I must say that, so far, the dogs do not seem particularly anxious about being parted from their owners, although Lady may have been a mite unhappy, but more of her later.

My second point is, why has Lynda suddenly gone upmarket? I don’t think we were ever explicitly told, but I am willing to wager that, with a name like ‘Scruff’, Lynda’s previous doggy friend was no pedigree pooch. Now it appears that mongrels need not apply.

The Poodle was written off, for reasons I cannot remember, and Bertha the Bulldog looked like she could be a contender, but she didn’t make the cut. Presumably the reason was that Bertha was as ugly as – well, as a Bulldog – and Lynda couldn’t risk people quoting the old saying about how owners grow to look like their dogs.

Enter Lady, the Bichon Frise. Lynda has her for a whole week, as she joyfully tells Robert. Robert asks if she is a real dog, commenting on her pom pom tail and button eyes (“Now I understand what they mean about toy dogs”) but he is soon won over when Lady licks his face. Lynda bangs on about how well-behaved Lady is and describes her as “a perfect breed”.

Lynda takes Lady for a long walk, talking to her the whole time and praising her lack of reaction when they encounter Ruby, who is running around like a mad thing. Perhaps this is a good time to ponder whether Lynda has given up talking to Scruff and carting his ashes around with her – one assumes she has, hence the search for a living canine to take for walks. Lady is something of a conversation piece, with the conversation mostly along the lines of ‘what the hell is that?’ When David comes across Lady, he is momentarily at a loss for words, saying “what a [long pause] unusual dog.”

Never mind that Lady looks like something that Walt Disney Studios might have created in one of their more syrupy moments; at least she’s well-behaved. Oh no she isn’t, as Lynda and Robert find out to their cost. Left alone in the sitting room for a few moments, Lady has gone berserk and overturned a vase of tulips, made a mess on the carpet and totally trashed Robert's copy of The Silmarillion(which he has had since his student days) and Lynda’s Canterbury Tales. Was Lady missing her real owner? Was being introduced to the llamas too much? Lynda does mention that the llamas were not that keen on Lady. Or was it just revenge on a hateful world that has produced what can only be described as a parody of a dog (apologies to Bichon Frise owners everywhere)? Perhaps the years of being laughed at, or greeted by raised eyebrows and puzzled faces finally tipped Lady over into senseless and random vandalism. Then again, it could be just a perfectly natural reaction to being constantly talked to by Lynda. 

On another note, am I the only person who reckons that the scriptwriters are having a competition to see how many references to The Silmarillion they can squeeze into The Archers? We had Lynda’s ordeal of trying (and failing) to read the book, culminating in her donating £20 to Alan’s ‘pay to complain’ fund so that she could tell Robert exactly what she thought of what he described as Tolkien’s masterpiece. We have heard more references to The Silmarillion over the past few weeks than I have heard in the past forty years and I reckon someone is having a laugh.

But we digress. It looks as though Lady isn’t going to be the new Scruff, so what do our readers think? Which breed do you reckon suits Lynda to a ‘T’? My contribution may sound a bit obvious, but I reckon that, with Lynda’s unsurpassed talent for the mega-disdainful sniff, her perfect canine soulmate just has to be the Bloodhound.