“But She’s A Member Of The Hunt!”

Michael Lumsden (Alistair Lloyd)

Who is Lavinia Rafferty? And who is she? Funny you should ask that, as she is one of the Archers’ silent characters, but last week she had a big part to play.

Shula is going ever so slightly frantic, as Alistair has gone missing and isn’t answering his phone. He returns to the Stables eventually, but he is wearing his clothes from the previous day and Shula confronts him - has he been gambling again? Alistair denies this, but then says “You may as well hear it from me - it’ll be front page news before long.” It turned out that his last call was to attend to the abovementioned Lavinia’s mare and, when he had finished, Lavinia invited him in for a drink. He had nothing to go home for and one thing led to another (or, more accurately, ‘the other’) and Alistair stayed the night.

This wouldn’t have been so bad but, as Alistair was leaving the next morning, he was spotted by Chris Carter, who had arrived to shoe the mare. I hope this horse is insured - it must be costing Lavinia a fortune in vet’s and farrier’s bills. Shula is aghast, but Alistair says she ended their marriage, so she’s partly responsible. Never mind that, Shula declares herself humiliated because Lavinia had always fancied Alistair (in fact, he and Shula used to laugh at her attempts to flirt with him), but the worst thing is; “But she’s a member of the Hunt!” wails Shula. 

Note that Shula doesn’t seem too worried about the act of infidelity itself, just the person with whom it was committed. If you are going to bonk someone Alistair, can you please make it someone who doesn’t ride to hounds - after all, Shula is a Joint Master and standards have to be maintained. She describes it as “an affair” but Alistair protests that it was hardly that; “just one night that I regret.” “Better that than 19 years” is Shula’s stinging retort and Alistair leaves, as the rift grows ever-wider. Later on in the week Shula opens her heart to Alan and he points out that all her talk has been about how disappointed she was because it was Lavinia.

At Home Farm, the week began with Brian taking on board Justin’s advice about the way to a woman’s heart is through DIY and Jennifer finds him in the kitchen, trying to fix a tap that he says is dripping but which Jenny knows is perfectly OK. Sadly, Brian is to DIY what the iceberg was to the Titanic and it is not long before Jenny is soaked, the tap is doing an impression of the Trevi Fountain and Jen’s elderflower cordial, made after a lot of work picking and processing the flowers, is a complete write-off.

A day or so later, Adam is trying to convince his mother that “it might be time to let it go” (‘it’ being the long-running bad feeling between her and Brian. Jennifer cannot understand the new-found bonhomie (or, as she calls it ‘bromance’) between Adam and Brian and, when he explains about the DIY as an attempt to impress her and calls in “endearing” she explodes. “It will take more than dodgy DIY to get Brian back in my bed” she tells her son. Adam is concerned he hadn’t realised that things had got so bad, although Jen makes it plain that it was Brian’s decision to move out of the bedroom and not hers.

On Friday, Brian tells Jennifer that he wants to be friends again and he wants to be back in the marital bed. Jennifer reminds him that it was he “who moved out, like a child throwing its toys out of the pram” and she stalks off. Brian resorts to Plan ‘B’ and Justin, out riding Aziz (does the man never do any work?) finds Brian perched halfway up an elderflower bush, picking flowers. Brian tells Justin that it’s all his fault, as he came up with the DIY ploy, and the least he could do is help him pick flowers.

The trouble is that the best flowers are out of reach - of course they are; Jenny had all the ones that were easily accessible - and so Brian decides to climb further up the bush. We then have a few moments of farce as Brian can’t climb down and Justin convinces him to climb up higher so that he can get on to Aziz’s back and then dismount from the horse. If, like me, you were expecting some minor disaster, involving muddy clothes, trampled flowers and an undignified fall, you were disappointed, as Brian triumphantly returned to Home Farm, bearing masses of elderflowers that had not only been picked, but debugged into the bargain. Brian and Justin had celebrated with a pint or two at The Bull, which Jenny soon picked up on. Nevertheless, she seemed quite touched that he had gone to so much trouble and thanked him. Does this mean that all is forgiven? It would appear not, as Jenny hands Brian a pile of fresh linen for his bed. Cheer up Brian; it could be worse - at least she is still washing and ironing the sheets.

The situation surrounding Will and his children continues to deteriorate, with him not telling anyone the true story about how Martyn Gibson has given him a ‘come back to work full time or find somewhere else to live’ ultimatum. Eddie confides to Jolene that Clarrie is practically dead on her feet and cannot keep working so hard, trying to keep family, job and Will’s family together. Mind you, I don’t suppose for one minute that neither he nor Joe actually do much to help in the way of domestic chores. In fact, if you gave him a dishcloth, he’d probably wear it as a bandanna.

But, cometh the hour, cometh the woman, as Susan has an idea. She has drawn up a rota of people willing to help Will out by looking after the children when times get hard. Sounds like a good plan, but Ambridge’s number one ingrate (or possibly number two, after Joe) rejects the idea, saying that how would it look in court? It would give the impression that he cannot look after his children. Actually Will, you can’t mate, but he says “thanks but no thanks” and Su retires in embarrassment.

Eddie cannot understand Will’s attitude and tells his son a few home truths - can he not see that Clarrie is running herself into the ground? (No). When Will replies that he doesn’t need charity, Eddie says that it’s not charity, it’s friends offering to help and Will does need help, plus the rota would give Clarrie a much-needed break every now and then and Susan was only trying to help.

For once, Will takes his father’s advice to heart and he goes to see Susan to apologise for his reaction and he takes the rota “just in case.” Susan says that ‘rota’ was a misnomer (no, of course she didn’t use that noun - this is Susan, remember) and “it’s more a list of possible helpers.” Clarrie is delighted and calls Susan “a true friend.”

And now a couple of other stories; Pat continues to stalk Olwen, who has returned the laptop by leaving it on the front doorstep. Helen points out that, if Olwen wanted to talk, she would have rung the doorbell and, by the way, Helen has put her and Pat’s names down for the Will Grundy childcare rota. “That way you’ll be doing something for somebody who wants to be helped” Helen rather pointedly tells her mother. Pat, however, refuses to believe that Olwen doesn’t need help and goes out to track her down. Actually, PCB could use her on the force, as she finds Olwen’s car and knocks on the door (the windows are obscured).

Olwen’s reaction is unexpected, as she springs out of the car, brandishing a bread knife and sporting a black eye, neither of which she explains to Pat. Pat has a basket, with some rolls and food in and Olwen sneeringly describes her as ’Red Riding Hood’ and says that she (Pat) doesn’t know when to give up and she is only pursuing Olwen to make herself feel good. Olwen also asks if this is what Pat did to her daughter, interfering while ignoring the real problem. “I like you less and less every time I see you, Pat Archer” spits Olwen.

Last week, we described Pat as ‘The woman who can’t take a hint’ but it seems there is a limit even to her patience, as she accuses Olwen of feeling sorry for herself and that she needs help. Olwen’s answer is to tell Pat to go and the whole situation is rather acrimonious. Pat returns to Bridge Farm, where Helen asks if she managed to find Olwen. Pat replies that she didn’t, but I would bet a considerable sum that this story has more legs than a millipede and we haven’t heard the last of Olwen yet.

The final story involves the twins Lily and Freddie (and Johnny). Johnny has been trying to get in touch with Freddie, with a marked lack of success. Eventually, he touches base and tells Fred that he had to have seven stitches. The upside is that girls he has never heard of before have come up to him and asked if he was the guy whose window was trashed and looking at his wound. Far be it for me to impugn the intelligence of the adolescents of Felpersham, but this seems a bit weird - if Freddie feels the need for female company, he could always beat himself over the head and score a few sutures.

Freddie is playing pool with Johnny and Fred’s phone rings - he is told that he has an appointment with the Deputy Principal of the college first thing in the morning. “What’s it about?” asks Johnny. “I’ve no idea” Freddie replies. Oh, by the way, Johnny says that he told PCB that Ellis was probably the brick thrower - “Who else could it be?” he asks, reasonably enough.

Anyway, the following morning, Johnny is driving Freddie and Lily to college and we learn that he has told Lily about the meeting with the DP, whose name is Russ James. Freddie is a tad miffed by this, but Johnny explains that he thought Lily knew. At the meeting, Fred wants to know what it’s all about and Russ tells him that he has heard that Freddie has been dealing drugs at college. Fred asks who told Russ, and the DP says that he cannot reveal his source. The meeting ends in a stalemate, with Freddie denying the drugs accusation and Russ not telling who grassed Freddie up.

Fred immediately gets Johnny to drive him home, where he confronts Lily - doesn’t she want to know what Russ wanted? He then calls his sister a bitch - she must be the one who told Russ. Lily denies it, but then (after Freddie realised that the dodgy leather jacket he found in Lily’s car was the one that Russ was wearing earlier) she admits that she and Russ are an item. “But he’s married!” explodes Freddie and says that Lily has made things worse, as Ellis will think that Freddie fingered him for dealing and Lower Loxley had better guard its windows. Lily is unrepentant and says that Russ has changed and her relationship with him could work in Freddie’s favour. The week ends with both twins agreeing that Lizzie must never know about the drugs, or Lily’s affair. I find it odd that Lily has gone from Miss Sensible to trollop, overnight.