Don’t Give Up The Day Job, David

Timothy Bentinck (David Archer)

This week we had definitive proof that, as a detective, David makes a pretty good farmer. Consider; the secret of the Anglo Saxon coins is out in the public domain (yes Ben, you may well hang your head in shame) and Brookfield is crawling with metal detectorists. One of these is Eddie Grundy, who has dragged son Will to the field where the coins were found to act as an (albeit unwilling) lookout.

Eddie is incensed to find fellow detectorists hunting for treasure and his indignation is not lessened when Will reminds him that the two of them have no right to be there either. Eddie goes to give the man a piece of his mind (careful Eddie – you need to keep as much as you can) and a fed-up Will takes the opportunity to go home. 

It turns out that details of Brookfield’s location are available on the Internet and Ben tries to atone for his earlier indiscretion by producing laminated posters saying ‘Private Land – keep off’. You might as well have said ‘Detectorists – please form an orderly queue’ Ben. In yet another attempt to ingratiate himself with the family, Ben agrees to help out by walking the fields with David, looking for trespassers. 

It was on one such expedition when David spotted a person apparently hiding in a ditch and goes to accost the trespasser. It turns out to be Eddie – what’s he doing? Eddie says he is scouting for holly and mistletoe. Of course he is – there are only 47 days left to Christmas, after all. Eddie also adds that he has noticed some fresh holes in the field. Suddenly, David lets out an exclamation – there’s a metal detector partially concealed in the ditch – he says that he will contact the police and see if they can trace the owner.

And this is the evidence of David’s lack of policing expertise. Let’s look at the facts – 1. Eddie is hiding in a ditch at Brookfield, with a not-very-convincing excuse for being there. 2. A metal detector is also found in the ditch. 3. Eddie is well known as a bit of a scally. What are we to deduce from all this? In David’s case, the answer is ‘nothing’, which is why we urge him not to give up the day job. 

Let’s face it – any normal person would have the cuffs ready and the cell already prepared with Eddie’s name on it; never mind all this ‘innocent till proven guilty’ rubbish – the man is obviously guilty as sin and should be made an example of. Does Ambridge still have stocks on the Village Green, I ask myself?

You have to admire Eddie’s optimism, as he tells Will that he believes that the Grundys’ time has come, (conveniently forgetting that he doesn’t have a detector at the moment) but they need to catch the other detectorists first. In order to do this, Eddie told David that he would help him patrol the fields – oh yes, Eddie also volunteered the services of Will and Ed as well.

Lily is worried that Freddie has made no progress with the Lower Loxley Christmas show and she is acutely aware that the Trustees are keeping a very close eye on her twin and, if truth be told, they are expecting him to fail. However, she has a cunning plan, and approaches Johnny for help. Lily knows that, if she approaches Freddie with her idea, he will reject it out of hand, but if Johnny were to present it as his idea…

Good plan Lily, marred only by the fact that her idea is to have a show presenting Christmas-based readings and poetry and Freddie knows that Johnny probably cannot even spell ‘poetry’. Freddie keeps asking awkward questions, which Johnny cannot answer, and in the end he has to admit that the idea was Lily’s. However, Freddie thinks it is a good idea and he pitched it to Elizabeth and Glen, who liked it as well and gave it the go-ahead. Freddie’s contribution to the whole thing is to make the event Covid-proof, by having readings in different areas for separate groups.

Unfortunately, there will be no funding for the show, so Freddie will have to rely on getting people to perform out of the goodness of their hearts. But hey, says Freddie, Lynda always managed to rustle up performers, “so how hard can it be?” 

A few days later, he realises that the answer to that particular question is ‘pretty damn difficult’ as he has phoned most people in the village and the only volunteer he has had is Bert Fry. Freddie goes to see Lynda, to show her the new Grey Gables brochure and she asks how is the show coming along? He admits that he is not having much luck and asks Lynda how did she manage it? He goes further, saying that, as Lynda always managed to fill her cast, the problem must lie with him.

Not at all, says Lynda – she always suffered the same way. So how did she manage it? ”The gentle art of manipulation” she replies, and tells him that you have to be a bit devious to achieve your aims. For example, Lilian is easy – just have good costumes and a good part, while Neil can be persuaded by appealing to his sense of civic pride. And by the way, she wouldn’t bother at all with Jim Lloyd. “It just takes practice Freddie, and you can do it – I know you can.”

So, it would appear that the euphoria that some of us felt when Lynda announced her retirement was a bit premature and I fear that we are not rid of the annual Christmas extravaganza – it’s just that the creative torch has been passed to the next generation in the shape of Freddie Pargetter.

The Philip/Gavin/Kirsty saga grinds on. Philip and Kirsty go to St. Stephens, where they are met by Shula. Philip has been asked to quote on some repair work and, when he is carrying out a recce in the bell tower, Kirsty and Shula talk. Kirsty mentions the possible move to Wales, but she is worried about leaving Gavin, and tells Shula about his gambling problem.

There’s not much that you can teach Shula about living with a problem gambler, and she tells Kirsty that it will take time. Perhaps, Shula suggests, it would help if Phil and Kirsty gave Gavin greater responsibility? Kirsty accompanies Gavin to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting, but he decides that he cannot face going in and talking about himself. That’s OK, says Kirsty, he doesn’t have to – she’ll take him home, which she does. It’s time, Kirsty adds, that Gavin shows Phil that it’s Gavin’s life, not Phil’s.

Philip isn’t happy about this and he storms out when Kirsty says that she was impressed with Gavin’s maturity and self-awareness and that they are going to have to let him handle this his own way. When Philip returns later, he apologises for being a grump. “I’m just a stubborn, moaning old git” he tells her, and, when she doesn’t contradict him, he adds that Kirsty is right about Gavin and he (Philip) will try to go easy on his son.

Kirsty says that they might now be able to trust Gavin on his own, so what is there to stop them moving to Wales? They can start looking for a place of their own. Philip is delighted – does she really mean it? “Yes, seriously” she replies. If Philip was delighted before, he is over the parrot at this and says “That’s all I dream about these days”. “Me too,” Kirsty answers, adding; “Our own little place; a fresh start for the two of us.”

I cannot help thinking that this is all too good to be true and that it will go decidedly Comice-shaped before long.

 

Ben Tells It Like It Is – Eventually

Ben Norris (Ben Archer)

Imagine you are Ben Archer, driving along and you get a phone call from your mother. Suddenly, you notice that the road is full of Herefords, which should really be in a field. Not surprisingly, you let out an exclamation, which causes Rooooth to ask what has happened? Wouldn’t your immediate reaction be to say something like ‘the cows have escaped’? What does Ben do? He tells Rooooth to get over to Marneys as quickly as possible and to drag along anyone else who happens to be free on the farm.

 

At no time does he tell his mother what is actually happening – I ask you, is that normal behaviour? Normal for Ben, perhaps – the lad has a penchant for coming up with complicated plans; plans that normally involve a female. Bencurrently has the hots for archaeology student Evie, who was one of the team carrying out a survey of Brookfield after some Anglo-Saxon coins were unearthed. The survey has been completed and Ben is racking his brains (if that isn’t too strong a word) to find a way to get in touch with Evie. I find that a phone usually works for me, Ben.

 

But that’s too easy. Now, listen carefully, as I could be asking questions later. Susan texts Rooooth, asking if anyone from Brookfield fancies appearing on her radio show to talk about the recent dig? Rooooth mutters ‘not likely’ but Ben says that he would be willing to do it. His mother expressly forbids it, saying that they don’t want to attract treasure seekers. She does ask if he can mention the barn as a venue.

 

Ben’s plan, as he tells Ruairi later, is for him to suggest to Susan that he could talk about how students are coping with the pandemic and possible lockdown (getting totally rat-arsed would be my guess). In the course of the interview, he could then succumb to Susan’s intelligent and probing questioning, as she forensically extracts the truth about the coins from him. Yeah, right – about the most probing question Susan is capable of asking would be along the lines of ‘what did you have for breakfast?’ Ruairi tells Ben that this is the worst plan since Napoleon’s march on Moscow, but Ben thinks it’s a winner.

 

Rooooth is quite proud that her youngest son will be appearing on the radio, but impresses upon him that there should be no mention of Ambridge (difficult if Susan asks tricky questions like ‘whereabouts is your family’s farm?’), nor the dig, and other words that are definitely taboo include ‘Anglo’, ‘Saxon’ and coins. What could possibly go wrong? Quite a lot, as it happens – from Susan’s questioning it becomes obvious that she has been told about the coins and the survey.

Not only that, but Ben only remembers to mention the barn in the final few seconds of the interview and, while he did not mention Ambridge, he did mention Brookfield. Luckily, he forgot to give the farm’s GPS coordinates, but it was touch and go.

 

But back to the escaping bovines – how did they get out? The answer is that the padlock on the field gate has been smashed and Rooooth is fuming, immediately connecting this with Ben’s indiscreet radio interview. Ben protests – she cannot be sure that it was the work of treasure hunters; it might be fly tippers. So where’s the rubbish then? Fortunately for him, Ben doesn’t say that they might have been considerate fly tippers, who buried the evidence, but Rooooth is very, very unhappy.

 

During the interview, Ben makes three or four mentions of Evie and the survey. Say what you like about Susan (and I usually do) but she can latch on to certain things – she tells listeners that Ben was mentioning Evie and that the barn at Brookfield can be hired for weddings and engagement parties. She then goes on to play Donny Osmond’s ‘Puppy Love’ for the pair, which makes Ben’s toes curl up as he writhes with embarrassment. You’d like to think that Evie would tell Ben to take a hike, but she found the whole thing amusing and asked him to meet for a coffee the following day; coming back from which liaison was when Ben spotted the awol Herefords.

 

It wasn’t all good for Ben – he rang Ruairi to see what he’s doing for his 18th birthday, to hear that one of Ruairi’s schoolfriends has organised (and his father is paying for) a two-day hotel stay with the opportunity to meet and greet some well-known comedian. I don’t know if the comedian was a real person (I suspect not – but if I’m wrong, I apologise) but Ben was all for it. Imagine his disappointment then when Ruairi reveals that they only have three tickets and the three will be Ruairi, Troy (whose father is paying for this) and Munster (another schoolmate). Tough luck Ben.

 

If I were Ruairi, I would try and break the world record for being drunk for the longest time, as apart from the aforementioned event, his 18thwould appear to be a shoo-in for ‘the world’s most boring 18th birthday’ award. Consider: Rooooth asks Ben what is Ruairi’s shirt size, as that is what she is considering buying him? Ben is horrified and tells his mother “Ruairi is going to be 18, not 80.” He also adds that Ruairi will have enough problems, as Jennifer’s idea of a good time is to host a dinner party for Ruairi, consisting of her, Brian, Ruairi and Ben (lucky boy!). Look Ruairi – aged 18 you can drink legally and Brian is renowned for the quality of his cellar, so why not see how much of it you can drink?

 

What else is happening? At Lower Loxley, Lily is frustrated because Freddie won’t tell her his plans for the Christmas extravaganza that he is supposed to be directing. Elizabeth is not interested, as she has a meeting with the Trustees of L-L. After the meeting, Bernard (the Chairman of the Trustees) asks for a word with Elizabeth. He is concerned that Freddie will be organising the Christmas show – his drugs conviction might count against him, as producing the show could leave Lower Loxley with ‘reputational damage’ if it is a commercial failure.

 

The time is approaching, Bernard reminds Elizabeth, when the Trustees will have to decide whether Freddie is the “right person to become custodian of Lower Loxley” and “this will be a very public test of his capabilities.” Now, excuse my ignorance, and I know I am a peasant, but who are these people? How can they decide who should inherit the stately pile? I thought Freddie was a nailed-on certainty as eldest son (but not the eldest child, I believe – I think Lily was first-born by a few minutes) so who are these people?

 

Elizabeth is a tad miffed at the slur on her son and assures Bernard that Freddie has it all in hand. Well, good luck with that Elizabeth – I wouldn’t bet my mortgage (or my stately home) on Freddie’s directorial abilities. Having said that, I have little doubt that, should Freddie either have no ideas, or get into organisational difficulties, he could appeal to Lynda, who will pull his chestnuts out of the fire.

 

We learnt of a (to me, at least) new character, when Susan went to see Alice; taking her a veggie chilli (which Susan described as ‘a failed experiment’ – this perhaps explains Alice’s lack of enthusiasm at the gift). Alice wants to be left alone – she is suffering badly with morning sickness – but Susan is oblivious to the icy atmosphere and wheedles her way in. 

 

The talk turns to Susan’s late mother, Ivy (who died nine years ago) and there are tears from both women when they swap memories. Susan also talks about her brother, Stewart, who was – to be charitable – an alcoholic. She says that he could never realise the hurt and damage that he was causing people. “Not like you or me, eh Alice?” Susan asks. 

 

Alice is having a hard time with Jennifer, who also suffered from morning sickness. Jennifer drives Alice home from the office after the latter threw up over the shoes of a client during an interview. Jennifer says that Alice is doing everything right; eating healthily, looking after herself, etc., but perhaps she should seek advice from her GP or Midwife. Alice replies that this is something she has to sort out on her own. 

 

Over at Brookfield, we have had the discussion about where they can find the extra land needed for expansion of Josh’s egg business and for the expansion of the dairy herd. The family consensus was that, if they turned the Fairbrothers out of Hollowtree, that would give them the extra capacity they need – Josh could move his extra fowls into Hollowtree and Pip would benefit from the land that Josh would otherwise need, to graze her expanded dairy herd.

 

Someone needs to tell the Fairbrothers that they are living on borrowed time, so Pip goes to see Rex. Rex isn’t happy, but he appreciates it when Pip says that she opposed the idea. Now Toby needs to be told, and when Pip goes to see him, it becomes evident that he already knows – Rex has phoned him – and he is quite sanguine about it; saying that it is Brookfield’s land to do with as they wish. One might suggest that this might be because it is easier to find somewhere else to relocate a Gin Still, rather than a herd of pigs (is that the correct collective noun?) but Pip is grateful, and shows this by asking Toby if he could have Rosie for an extra hour, as she has to go and help round up some errant cows.

 

As the week ends, Rex goes to see Pip and he says that he sees things more clearly now – he has learnt (from Toby) that Brookfield needs Hollowtree so that Josh can expand his egg business – a bitter Rex remembers how Josh swanned off to Thailand, leaving Rex to try and explain to police about the irregularities about the former’s farm machinery business, not to mention Josh selling Rex (albeit unwittingly) a stolen trailer.

 

His bitterness was intensified when Toby told him that Pip would also benefit by being able to expand the dairy herd – Rex thinks he has been stitched up and calls Pip a hypocrite; she never really stood up for him over the Hollowtree decision. Pip explains that this was a business decision and Rex should stop wallowing in self pity and get a grip. In an icy tone, Rex says please be sure to give the proper notice when they move Josh in, won’t you? 

 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that this bodes very well for the future of the Ambridge Rewilding consortium, do you?

  

I Think I’m Beginning To Warm To Vince Casey

Tony Turner (Vince Casey)

Abattoir-owning Vince Casey is not everybody’s cup of tea – he’s off David’s Christmas card list for certain and Brian regards him as a bit dodgy. When Elizabeth learns of this latter fact, she mutters “pots and kettles” under her breath.

At the beginning of the week, Elizabeth is out on a date; or rather she would have been, had her date turned up. As it was, she was drinking alone in a bar when Vince Casey turned up. He also had been stood up and the two began talking, as he recognised Elizabeth’s face from earlier business meetings and conferences. Speaking of which, there is a seminar scheduled for later in the week (subject; mediation) to which Elizabeth is going and to which Vince has been invited as well.

The pair are getting along very well, with Elizabeth teasing him about his reputation for ruthlessness and Vince protesting that he’s a totally different person at home. He also calls Elizabeth attractive and says that he might go along to the mediation seminar after all.

Elizabeth returns home and, it has to be said, she is quite merry, as strong drink had been taken. Freddie and Lily are waiting up for her (I was reminded of the Daily Mirror cartoons of Florrie waiting at home in dressing gown and curlers and with rolling pin in hand for Andy Capp to return from the pub). The twins give her the third degree – was it a date with a stranger? Will she be seeing him again? Elizabeth tells them to mind their own business and, as for seeing her man again, she says “I wasn’t sure at first, but now I rather think I will.”

The day of the seminar arrives and Elizabeth is getting ready. Lily notices that she is wearing new earrings and she realises that her mother’s mystery man will also be there. Lily is worried because Elizabeth is not answering her phone. Freddie points out that she is in a seminar, so her phone should be switched off anyway, but Lily wonders if she should go to the seminar and check up that things are OK – she tells Freddie that, when Elizabeth was suffering from depression, it was Lily who nursed her and looked after her and it was a difficult time for both of them.

For heaven’s sake Lily – Elizabeth is 53 and is thus old enough to be let out on her own and doesn’t really need a chaperone, particularly one of her own children. And what part of ‘mind your own business’ does she find it so hard to get on top of? So Lily drives off to the seminar. Freddie – for once in his life – behaves sensibly and keeps well out of it by staying at Lower Loxley.

We were not privy to the actual meeting between mother, daughter and Vince, but we learn later that it did not go well. Elizabeth accused Lily of spying on her and Lily retaliated by asking her mother if the relationship with Vince is serious? Lily also implies that Elizabeth is being secretive and keeping things from her children. This is all too much for Elizabeth, who reminds Lily that she never said anything about her relationship with Russ, who was (and, I believe still is) a married man when they got together at college.

Elizabeth is getting angrier and angrier and she was very embarrassed when Lily said, in front of Vince and in a loud voice “I can’t believe you’re dating a slimeball like Vince Casey.”

Lily realises that she has overstepped the mark and explains that she was trying to make sure that her mother was not stressed. “And do you think that you achieved that?” Elizabeth snaps, and a shamefaced Lily admits that she had probably increased the stress levels. Elizabeth is definitely unhappy and tells Lily that she is going to call Vince and invite him out to lunch tomorrow “to apologise for your behaviour.”

At the lunch, Vince brushes off Lizzie’s apologies, saying that at least it shows that her children care about her – his kids aren’t interested in him unless they want something and he hasn’t seen one of his daughters for some time, after she walked out, following a row over the suitability of a boyfriend.

Back at Lower Loxley, Elizabeth says that she has been thinking and, if the twins have concerns over Vince, she should at least listen to them – in fact they both should. If they have questions, they can put them to Vince – he’s quite happy to come round and answer them. “When is he coming?” Freddie asks and, with impeccable timing, the doorbell rings. “Now, I wonder who that is?” Elizabeth asks, rhetorically.

It turns out to be Vince – but you’d guessed that, hadn’t you? The chat is a bit forced, with Vince saying what a nice place it is. Freddie is obviously not going to let his sister be the only obnoxious child, as he says “If it was down to us, you wouldn’t even be here.” Vince is unperturbed, saying “Do you mean what is a peasant like Vince Casey doing in a place like this?” Lily protests and says that she’s got nothing against him personally. Vince replies mildly “No? ‘Slimeball’ is what I heard – I call that personal.” “I call it accurate” says arch-diplomat Freddie.

Vince says that it doesn’t bother him what they think, but it looks bad for them, as they are judging him on gossip and other people’s opinions. Then, in a masterstroke, he deftly slips the stiletto in when he says that he thought Freddie might have been more open-minded, seeing as how he has spent time in prison. Ouch! And this act of bringing arrogant Freddie down to earth with a bump is why, as I said in the title of this piece, I find I am starting to warm to Vince Casey.

Elsewhere, Fallon finally gets round to telling Harrison that she doesn’t want children and, if he wanted to leave her for someone who does, she would understand. The Sergeant replies that Fallon is all he wants or needs, but she urges him to give the situation some serious thought. He does so and, when running up Lakey Hill with Rex, the talk turns to babies. Both men agree that Chris will make a great dad and Rex reveals that he has heard that ex-girlfriend Anisha is pregnant. This leaves Rex feeling a bit dissatisfied – Anisha has moved on with her life, while he is living in Bert’s bungalow.

Harrison, meanwhile, has made his mind up. He admits to Fallon that he would like a child, but not if it would mean losing Fallon – he couldn’t bear the thought of her not being with him and he couldn’t live without her. She calls him “lovely” and there are tears on both sides. Incidentally, Sgt Burns and Rex have agreed to take Chris out for a celebratory pint or two at the weekend, and this could prove interesting, as Chris has sworn to join Alice in a no-drinking pact during her pregnancy. Could be a celebratory orange juice, lads.

Over at Brookfield, you have to ask yourself whether or not the members of this part of the Archer clan ever talk to each other. Pip is preparing to move the heifers up to some fresh grazing, only to find the field peppered with fence posts. What’s going on? The answer is ‘Josh’. He has the chance to buy out a local egg supplier and thus expand his business, but he will need the space for the extra birds.

Pip says ‘no’ – she needs the field for the heifers. Josh retorts that he asked David if he could use the field, and he said "yes“. The siblings continue to argue until Josh suggests that they put the matter to Rooooth. I was hoping that she would say ‘I need that field for arable’ (or flowers, or something else) but she didn’t. She concedes that they both have a point and sums up the problem in masterful, albeit simplistic, fashion; “You both need land – we just have to find it.” Rooooth should remember Mark Twain’s advice – ‘buy land; they’re not making it any more.’ Of course, if only they hadn’t set some land aside for this rewilding nonsense…

But wait! There is land available – they have forgotten Hollowtree, where Rex keeps his pigs and Toby operates his still. It sounds harsh, but Rooooth suggests that evicting the Fairbrothers might be their only option. If it comes down to that, then I predict that Rex will be even more depressed at the state of his life and Pip might well find it difficult to get Toby to babysit daughter Rosie.

Let’s go back to the early part of the week, when Freddie and Lily are waiting for their mother to return home after her night out on the lash. To pass the time, they view a CD, which could be entitled ‘Lynda Snell’s greatest hits’ as it showcases all the Christmas productions for which Lynda has been responsible. Ignoring the fact that this sounds like a fair approximation of what Hell must be like, it doesn’t inspire Freddie, who is looking for a theme for this year’s show and who is quickly realising that Lynda has, in fact, done everything. He was considering a panto, but looking at previous productions, he thinks they are awful (all together now – ‘oh no they aren’t!). If you are hoping for inspiration Freddie, I suggest you pull your finger out, as the clocks go back this weekend. How about a reading of Wilde’s The Ballad of Reading Gaol or a brand-new, one-man show written by and starring Freddie Pargetter entitled My Time Inside?

We began this week’s episode with a lengthy piece about Elizabeth and Vince. I really liked the way that Elizabeth turned the tables on her interfering children, but Freddie and Lily were not impressed, with Freddie saying that Elizabeth set him and his sister up. They still have reservations about the relationship and urge their mother to be careful. Elizabeth says that Vince is only a friend and, besides, he is good fun – and they don’t begrudge her a bit of fun, surely? In what I sincerely hope isn’t a phrase that comes back to bite her in the bum, Elizabeth tells her children "You don’t have to worry – I’m perfectly capable of handling Vince Casey.”

Don’t Be So Mealy-Mouthed, Emma

Emerald O’Hanrahan (Emma Grundy)

Alice is trying to patch things up with Emma, who is refusing to take her calls. Eventually, however, she does answer and Alice says that she’d like them to bury the hatchet, if for no other reason than for Chris’s sake – he’s so pleased that he’s going to be a dad. Alice is continually apologising and Emma keeps on telling her how hurtful and nasty the message was that Alice left on her mobile. Once again, Alice says sorry, adding that she always thought that Emma doesn’t like her. “No, I don’t – I never have” Emma tells her.

Now come on Emma, why all this beating about the bush? Why not tell it like it is? Alice is taken aback, but says “Oh – at least that’s honest.” Despite this, Emma grudgingly agrees that there’s no reason why they should constantly be at each other’s throats and a state of armed neutrality prevails. But not for long, as Alice remarks that making peace will be so important for the health of the baby and Emma goes off on one, accusing her sister-in-law of trying to shift the blame. Emma reminds her that it was Alice who got wrecked and passed out drunk by the side of the road. “You’re carrying my brother’s baby and if you get wasted again, you’ll have me to answer to” Emma snarls. In vain does Alice protest that she doesn’t drink at all now – Emma has broken the connection.

I think we can safely say that that could have gone so much better. Still, there are another six months or so of this pregnancy left to go, so lots can still happen; and it probably will.

Let us turn now to the story concerning Gavin’s non-existent gambling problem. More and more people are getting involved in this story and it is becoming ever-more complicated, with Kirsty trawling gambling problems websites and getting Alistair to come and talk to Gavin about his experiences regarding gambling. All this is starting to pee Gavin off somewhat, as it is him taking the flak for everything once again and he hasn’t done anything (apart from being indirectly responsible for the Grey Gables explosion, of course).

Philip tells his son that he has to go along with the pretence – worrying about Gavin is distracting Kirsty from digging further into the suspicions she might be having about ‘the horses’ (as Phil’s workmen are referred to). Alistair has offered to talk to Gavin and Phil says that it is a great opportunity to turn things to their advantage. “This is our chance to put a stop to all this for good” Philip says, adding that he is beginning to see a way out of this mess and a possible new start “but it starts with you calling Alistair Lloyd” he warns his son.

This is a strange meeting, as Gavin doesn’t really want to be there and Alistair obviously has no idea of the true picture. He invites Gavin to tell him about his initial experiences about gambling, but of course, Gavin hasn’t got any, and is stumbling somewhat. To help him, Alistair offers to tell him of his descent into gambling addiction and Gavin agrees gratefully.

To cut a (very) long story short, Alistair traces his problems back to when his mother died when he was very young – he realised that nothing he could do would ever make his father (Jim) proud of him, and it was up to Alistair to become his own man. This, says Alistair, made him determined that his son would never suffer the same coldness that he experienced and Daniel was much loved and much hugged. Gavin, suggests Alistair, has similar experiences to look forward to when he has a family.

This chimes with Gavin, who says that he cannot see himself having children and, if he did, they would be ashamed of him: “I’m such a bad person, Alistair – I see that now.” But it’s not all negative, as Gav adds; “I know things have got to change, but I don’t know how to.” He tells Alistair that he’s got to leave, and Alistair says that he’s sorry if it has been a wasted afternoon. However, Gavin assured him that it hasn’t been wasted – “I know exactly what I’ve got to do now.”

He might, but he doesn’t tell us, the tease. Suffice it to say that, next day, Gavin is somewhat distracted when his father asks him how’s the job going? Phil tries to jolly him along, by recalling how they used to both go camping in Wales and how much fun it was, eh? 

The short answer is ‘no, not really’ as Gavin reveals that he detested these holidays, and only went along with them because these were the only times that he ever saw his father. He was terrified because he thought Phil’s snores would attract wolves and bears to their tent. “What? In Port Talbot?” asks an incredulous Phil. “Well, I was very young” Gavin replies.

It wasn’t a good week for Moss senior or junior, as the week ends with Phil going home to Kirsty, looking totally knackered. She isn’t very pleased, as she is composing a report to the Board of the Wildlife Trust on the amount of litter hanging around. Phil is very down, and says that, when this current job is over, there’s little prospect of work on the horizon. Why are things so pointless, and when will their luck change? Nothing’s gone right since they moved into Beechwood, he observes.

Kirsty seems to be of similar mind, as she says, apparently thinking out loud; “What would I give to escape to a nice little cottage somewhere?” Phil cuts in; “So why don’t we? Why not get away and have a fresh start?” Kirsty thinks he is joshing and says that she was being serious, to which Phil says he’d love to be back in Wales – he’s so tired of trying to hold everything together here. “I’m sorry love, but I don’t think I can take it much longer” he tells her.

We are all holding our collective breath regarding the discovery of Anglo-Saxon coins at Brookfield. As last week unrolled, Rooooth was amazed that so many people were aware of the existence of coins at Brookfield – how did they find out? Elizabeth told her that Freddie had told her, having been told by Ben (who had assured Rooooth that he hadn’t told anyone, honest). Why not just cut out the middle-men and get Susan to announce it on her radio show?

Anyway, towards the end of the week, a load of Archaeological students descended on Brookfield in order to conduct a dig of the fields. They arrived at the crack of sparrow’s (much to Ben’s disgust, as he was dragged out of bed by his mother) and started quartering the field, looking (unsuccessfully so far) for further finds. Ben is even more upset because the students seem so intense and driven – that’s how students should be, Ben - but he was trying to get second-year student Evie into the barn for some one-on-one historical discussion. Sadly for Ben, she seems to prefer the early-morning open air to a roll in the hay.

Let’s go back to when Alistair visits Philip and Kirsty – Alistair tells them about when he first started lying to Shula about his gambling and how it got to the stage where he could look her straight in the eye and tell her a complete pack of lies. It was, remembers Alistair, a hard task to remember the stories you had previously told different people. “Can you imagine what it’s like, living a lie, Philip?” Alistair asks, earnestly. Philip is growing increasingly uncomfortable at the tone of this conversation, and he says “I’m not sure I can; no”. But we know that he’s lying, don’t we boys and girls?

Jazzer’s In The Money

Ryan Kelly (Jack 'Jazzer' McCreary)

Last week, Jazzer found a winning scratchcard among his dirty laundry (I shudder to think what else he could have found) and is suddenly £1,000 better off. No matter that he never bought it, as Alistair points out to him; this seems to be a case of possession being nine tenths of the law and Jazzer immediately has big plans for spending his windfall. Most of these seem to be concerned with buying a really smart set of biking leathers (has he even got a motorbike?) to impress Jade of Warren Coppice, who is a customer on his milk round, after whom Jazzer is lusting.

We know that the winning card was originally found by Sergeant Burns, who gave it to Fallon for safe keeping, and she promptly lost it. Fallon is distraught and turns the house upside down looking for it. There’s nothing for it, as she tells Alice – she will have to own up to Johnny. I must admit that I didn’t fully understand how Johnny’s winning ticket ended up in Jazzer’s dirty laundry and, to be honest, I’m not sure that I really want to know anyway. 

While Alice and Fallon are talking, the latter happens to mention that she never wants children and Alice suggests that it might be an idea to talk this over with Harrison, as he might not be aware of the fact. Fallon agrees, but, as we learn later, he is working late and she doesn’t get round to it. But while we are talking babies, Alice tells Fallon that she’s pregnant. Fallon says she won’t tell anyone (people are going to notice eventually, Alice) but she is sure that Alice will make a wonderful mother.

This isn’t what’s bothering Alice and she is worried that her days of enjoying herself will be over and she makes Fallon promise that, after the baby is born, Fallon will take her out occasionally for a good time. Old habits die hard and I can imagine the scene in the delivery suite post-birth; ‘Well, Mrs Carter, you have a lovely, healthy baby boy – can I get you anything?’ ‘Yes please – could you let my friend in; I think she’s got a bottle of a very nice Pinot Noir and a couple of glasses.’

But I could be doing Alice an injustice, as she takes a call from the midwife, who is giving her a preliminary health check, and one of the questions is ‘how many units of alcohol do you consume in a week?’ While the truthful answer would be ‘sorry; my calculator can only handle eight-digit numbers’, Alice is terrified that her early pregnancy alcohol intake might have harmed the foetus, which, as the midwife points out “cannot process alcohol.” So, not a chip off the Aldridge block then? The medical advice is no alcohol at all when you are pregnant and Alice (and Chris, bless him) resolve that this will be a dry pregnancy for them both.

However, this is in the future, and we left Fallon going to see Johnny to confess about the missing scratchcard. As she tells Alice later, Johnny was “lovely about it” and she offered him freebies, delivered to him (when business allowed). That’s an awful lot of cake, coffee and muffins, Fallon.

Towards the end of the week, Jazzer is at the Tea Rooms and notices Fallon going off with a tray of goodies. She explains about the scratchcard and her obligation to Johnny and asks Jazzer to look after the shop while she’s away.

Jazzer finds himself in a moral dilemma, so he rings Alistair, who is not best pleased, as he has his arm up a cow’s uterus, or something equally inconvenient. Thinking about it, that can’t be right as he’d have difficulty answering the phone, wouldn’t he? Anyway, moving on, it wasn’t a convenient moment. Alistair says that Jazzer should consider what both Johnny and Fallon have been going through. “Whatever happened to ‘finder’s keepers’?” the Scottish milkman asks.

Astonishingly, for those of us who thought that Jazzer didn’t possess such a thing, his conscience is pricked and he tells Fallon that he has the missing scratchcard. She is pathetically grateful and says that she should offer him a finder’s fee, but Jazzer thinks that that should come from Johnny. Having said that, he says that a voucher for a free meal might help him rekindle the ardour of Jade. All I can say is that, if he thought that Jade would be impressed by (initially) a set of biking leathers and (now) a meal at the Tea Rooms, she must be deeply shallow. But then again, I don’t suppose Jazzer is looking for a meaningful and long-lasting relationship in the first place…

Let’s draw a veil over Jazzer’s love-life – although he hasn’t done badly from events over the past couple of weeks; by my reckoning, he has blagged 18 pints of lager (from Jolene and Jakob) and now a slap-up evening for two from the Tea Rooms. And you can bet your life that he will put the bite on Johnny for a ‘finder’s fee’ in due course. 

But let’s move on. This week’s blog is about being in the money and, at the end of the previous week’s episode, we bemoaned the fact that Jill’s 90^th birthday passed unreported upon in Ambridge. Well, in a kind of ‘birthday retrospective’, we can reveal that, yes, she had a lovely time and yes, she was overcome by the ‘Jill’s Journey’ wall of photographs adorning the Brookfield barn, plus Leonard gave her one of his paintings (not very good, in Ben’s opinion) of Brookfield. There was also an all-singing, all-dancing, food mixer, which she didn’t really want, as her pre WW2 usual mixer is perfectly adequate, but she’s too polite to say so.

Jill is having misgivings – yes, she’s 90, but are all her adventures over? Ben doesn’t see what difference another year makes and he coaxes his grandmother out for a ride in his car (actually her car, as she bought it for him for his birthday, but we’ll ignore that, as I’m sure Ben has conveniently done). It is an exhilarating outing and, as the pair return to Brookfield, Jill notices something glinting in the soil at Marney’s field. Yes, it’s a hoard of coins, and Jill cannot recognise them, so they’ve got to be old – very old. 

Jill excitedly says that they could have stumbled across some treasure and adds that, even at her age, life is full of surprises. This could be a mega-opportunity for Brookfield, Ben tells Rooooth, but she has just finished drilling/harrowing/sowing/ploughing (please choose one agricultural process that you fancy) the odd field and she’s not really interested. Ben keeps pestering her to allow the university access to the farm to check if there are any more coins around. “Maybe next year” she tells her son.

This isn’t quick enough for Ben and he gets on to the archaeology department at the Uni and the museum. They identify the coins as Anglo Saxon, and are extremely interested in carrying out a survey at Brookfield. Oh, and by the way, one of the coins is gold. This puts a different complexion on it for Rooooth and she practically starts excavating the field there and then.

Ben has an ulterior motive, as he has posted details of the find on social media and Evie (an archaeology student) has asked if she can use Brookfield as her field study. Ben grants her exclusive rights and appears to have developed a sudden passion for local history, from which we deduce that Evie must be attractive.

Chris and Alice agree that it is time to start making people aware of their forthcoming happy event, so he goes to tell Susan – surely that’s all they need to do; the entire English-speaking world will then know all about it within seconds – while Alice goes to see Brian and Jennifer. Unfortunately, Jennifer is not there – she’s in Felpersham, having her hair done. This takes longer than she expected and she rings Brian to explain why she’s late. But Brian isn’t there, so Jennifer turns on the car radio and is shocked and appalled to hear Susan telling her listeners that her daughter-in-law is expecting a happy event and isn’t it exciting? “Shut up, you insufferable woman!” Jennifer rants at the radio and then goes to see Susan (who broadcasts from home, remember).

To say that Jennifer is upset is a laughable understatement and there are some heated words and some home truths exchanged. Some of Jennifer’s insults are quite hurtful; hurtful, but very accurate – she starts off by calling Susan a blabbermouth and someone “with zero restraint.” Susan says that Chris had told her that Alice was on her way to tell her parents, so she (Susan) assumed that Jennifer knew about the pregnancy. “But I wasn’t at home” Jennifer snaps, to which Susan protests that she isn’t psychic; she hasn’t got a crystal ball. “No,” retorts Jennifer, “but you’ve got a microphone – it’s like giving an arsonist a box of matches.”

Susan replies that she doesn’t know what to say and Jennifer speaks for millions of listeners when she says “How about saying nothing for once?” “But I’m a DJ” Susan protests. “No you’re not – you’re a shock jock” Jennifer tells her.

By this time, Jennifer’s anger has dissipated somewhat and Susan suggests that they have a cuppa, meanwhile complimenting Jen on her hair. “After all, we’re grandmothers in law now” Susan reminds her. As the full horror of this sinks in, Jennifer tries to slit her wrists with the bread knife. Actually, that’s a lie, but I bet the thought crossed her mind. And if it didn’t, it surely will before long.

The two women chat some more and Jenny becomes quite tearful. It’s partly the shock of the sudden revelation, she tells Susan, and partly because it brought back the doubts and anxieties that she experienced when Lexi was carrying Xander and Jennifer feared that Lexi would want to keep the baby. They agree that they are both excited by the news and they vow to support each other and not to interfere in their children’s lives during the pregnancy. Ha! What are the chances of that happening, do you reckon? I can foresee a regular slot on Susan’s programme detailing every aspect of the pregnancy, from morning sickness frequency to every kick and movement of the baby. Meanwhile, Jennifer will operate a daily shuttle service, providing nourishing meals two or three times a day. Can’t you just see her force-feeding Alice with steak pie and the like, all the time muttering things like ‘you’ve got to keep your strength up, you know Alice’. 

 

And This Is Why You Shouldn’t Drink When Pregnant, Alice

Hollie Chapman (Alice Carter)

Alice’s secret is out – she was celebrating her birthday with Auntie Lilian and the latter’s suspicions were aroused when Alice refused a drink; something which is unheard of. “Next you’ll be telling me you’re pregnant” Lilian says, jokingly, adding, after a pause, “Oh my goodness!” as the penny drops.

Alice admits that she is terrified and Lilian says that she bets Chris is chuffed to bits. Gloomily, Alice confirms that this is indeed the case and he is wondering about names for the child, which she thinks is a tad premature, to say the least. What is worrying Alice is whether her social life will come to a grinding halt – will she be able to have fun after the birth?

Lilian is in no doubt, saying that, with grandmothers Jennifer and Susan on babysitting duties, Alice will be lucky if she ever gets to see the child. As for drinking, Lilian tells her niece that, when she was pregnant with James, it never stopped her having a drink or two. This news prompted the title of this week’s blog – you have been warned, Alice! Look at James and be afraid – very afraid. Obviously Alice listens to her elders, as she allows Lilian to pour her a glass of wine (“after all, red wine contains iron, doesn’t it?” is how Alice justifies it to herself). “I feel much better about it now” she says as she glugs it down. Think how much better you’d feel if you emptied the bottle, Alice.

We know that Alice wasn’t wildly happy about being pregnant because she rang her counsellor to express her doubts and fears (this was before the Merlot therapy with Aunt Lilian).

Let’s leave Alice and future sprog and turn to another, seasonable, subject; if this is October (and, to save you looking, it is) then surely it’s time for the annual borefest that is the Lynda Snell Christmas extravaganza to start kicking in? But wait! Apparently this year we are to be spared, as Lynda is adamant that she will not do a production this year. Freddie – to whom she confides this information – is dismayed (why, you fool?). Who can they get to pick up the baton? Russ is a possibility, but they both reject him, as being a pretentious git (I am paraphrasing here), so who else could possibly fill Lynda’s shoes? Lynda asks Freddie if he had considered putting his name forward as Director? Of course – why not draft in someone who has no experience of drama and who runs a mile whenever Lynda is looking for actors, and whose Yuletide venture last year (‘The Hidden Lower Loxley’, or similar) was an unmitigated disaster, which sold about three tickets?

Freddie runs the idea past his mother, who can barely control her incredulity. Nevertheless, Elizabeth stages a mock interview with her son and, at the end, announces that the job is his if he wants it. This is the sort of thing that gives nepotism a bad name. Before we celebrate the stepping aside of La Snell, Freddie tells Elizabeth that he intends to take full advantage of Lynda’s knowledge, experience and expertise and I fear that we will be facing a Snell production in all but name.

Over at The Bull, things are not going well with the ‘naughty milkman’ promotion – all the photographs of Jakob are awful and there isn’t one that is usable. Jolene approaches Jazzer to see if he will allow Fallon to use the photographs that she took of him, but he plays hard to get at first, before eventually caving in for a fee of six pints of lager. But who will break the news to Jakob that he has been replaced? Never fear; Jazzer says he will do it.

So Jazzer engages Jakob in conversation and asks how the milkman gig is going? Jakob is distraught, as he realises that his photos are terrible. He confides that he only agreed to do it because it was Kate’s idea and he doesn’t like to let people down, but what will it do to his professional reputation? Jazzer piles on the agony, telling the vet that Jolene has plans to flood the county with leaflets and flyers featuring Jakob’s face – there are also plans to have a naughty milkman billboard by the side of the Felpersham bypass. He groans at this news and says that wishes he had never done the photoshoot and his reputation and professional standing will be in ruins.

Jazzer says what if there was a way that would let Jakob retire respectably from the whole scheme? The canny Scotsman suggests that Jakob tells Jolene that, on second thoughts, his role as the naughty milkman would conflict with his professional duties and he’ll have to walk away from the whole idea. “You don’t know how grateful I am, Jazzer” the vet tells him. Jazzer even says that he will break the news to Jolene and, talking of being grateful, his fee for arranging this is a dozen pints of lager from The Bull’s delivery service. Not a bad morning’s work, Jazzer.

Meanwhile, at The Bull, Fallon hands over the memory stick containing Jazzer’s photographs to Jolene. Fallon reveals that her friend Marcus has asked her and Harrison to be Godparents to his recently-born son. Incidentally, the poor little sod goes by the name of Wolf, so the chances are that he’ll grow up despising his parents – as a name, ‘Wolf’ is only slightly better than ‘mangy cur’ in my humble opinion.

Fallon doesn’t think she’s up to the job as a) she isn’t at all religious and b) she doesn’t particularly like children. Jolene thinks that Fallon would be a wonderful Godmother, plus you never know “it might be good practice if you and Harrison ever decide to give it a whirl.” Fallon immediately knocks this idea on the head, telling her mother that she (Fallon) doesn’t want children; not now, not ever. Jolene asks if she has discussed this with Harrison and, when Fallon admits that they haven’t talked about it, Jolene says that perhaps it would be a good idea. “Now is the time to be brave and talk to him” she tells her daughter.

Talking of being brave, Lilian is nervous as she has – as she tells Jolene – “been summoned to the presence” by Lynda Snell. Lilian expects to be given a tongue-lashing for the way she spoke to Lynda the other week about her treatment of husband Robert, but the opposite is true – Lynda thanks Lilian for her frankness and for telling her some home truths. “This tough love was exactly what I needed” says Lynda and we learn that things are back to normal in the bedroom department. We also learn that, in the battle of the two Snell gardens at the Virtual Flower and Produce Show, Robert proved victorious and Lynda was delighted for him and pleased because he made no concessions to Lynda’s injuries.

The situation concerning Gavin and his imaginary gambling problem is becoming ever-more complicated. Gavin complains that Kirsty is watching him like a hawk and, every time he uses his phone, he knows that she is convinced that he is ringing the bookies. Kirsty walks in on the two men having a heated and noisy debate and, having sent Gavin off on some pretext about the shower not draining properly, she tells Philip that gambling is a serious problem and that he and his son should not be rowing about it. When Gavin returns, Kirsty makes Philip apologise to him and asks Philip if there’s anything else going on that she doesn’t know about?

In order to get his father out of a difficult spot, Gavin says that it’s time to ‘fess up and that, while he was spending time at his mother’s, he was on top of the gambling, but since he returned to Ambridge, he has placed a couple of bets. A triumphant Kirsty says “I knew there was something” and she tells Gavin yet again that they can all help him get through this. If this story goes on much longer, the Mosses will have to start making notes – not only did Gavin not really spend any time at his mother’s, but he has never had a gambling problem. Even worse, his father’s fiancée is now of the opinion that he is not only a gambling addict, but a lapsed gambling addict to boot. Mark my words; it will all end in tears, which will be a shame for Kirsty, as God only knows that she has had a lot to put up with recently. And yes, Tom, I am talking about you.

Finally this week, we had a mega ‘damp squib’ moment with the celebration that never was. October 4^th was Jill Archer’s birthday and we were treated to two or three days of various members of the Archer clan discussing photographs showing various aspects of her life. This was because it was a very special birthday (it was Jill’s 90^th) and, put simply, it never happened, and now it’s all over.

As far as we know, the barn at Brookfield was decorated with said photographs, illustrating what was named as “Jill’s Journey” and the only present that was mentioned was a food mixer. On this latter gift, the phrase ‘coals to Newcastle’ springs to mind. We never heard a single word from Jill and neither was there any hint of celebration – not even the popping of a single champagne cork. Ah well, Jill, we hope you had a happy birthday anyway.