Jazzer’s In The Money

Ryan Kelly (Jack 'Jazzer' McCreary)

Last week, Jazzer found a winning scratchcard among his dirty laundry (I shudder to think what else he could have found) and is suddenly £1,000 better off. No matter that he never bought it, as Alistair points out to him; this seems to be a case of possession being nine tenths of the law and Jazzer immediately has big plans for spending his windfall. Most of these seem to be concerned with buying a really smart set of biking leathers (has he even got a motorbike?) to impress Jade of Warren Coppice, who is a customer on his milk round, after whom Jazzer is lusting.

We know that the winning card was originally found by Sergeant Burns, who gave it to Fallon for safe keeping, and she promptly lost it. Fallon is distraught and turns the house upside down looking for it. There’s nothing for it, as she tells Alice – she will have to own up to Johnny. I must admit that I didn’t fully understand how Johnny’s winning ticket ended up in Jazzer’s dirty laundry and, to be honest, I’m not sure that I really want to know anyway. 

While Alice and Fallon are talking, the latter happens to mention that she never wants children and Alice suggests that it might be an idea to talk this over with Harrison, as he might not be aware of the fact. Fallon agrees, but, as we learn later, he is working late and she doesn’t get round to it. But while we are talking babies, Alice tells Fallon that she’s pregnant. Fallon says she won’t tell anyone (people are going to notice eventually, Alice) but she is sure that Alice will make a wonderful mother.

This isn’t what’s bothering Alice and she is worried that her days of enjoying herself will be over and she makes Fallon promise that, after the baby is born, Fallon will take her out occasionally for a good time. Old habits die hard and I can imagine the scene in the delivery suite post-birth; ‘Well, Mrs Carter, you have a lovely, healthy baby boy – can I get you anything?’ ‘Yes please – could you let my friend in; I think she’s got a bottle of a very nice Pinot Noir and a couple of glasses.’

But I could be doing Alice an injustice, as she takes a call from the midwife, who is giving her a preliminary health check, and one of the questions is ‘how many units of alcohol do you consume in a week?’ While the truthful answer would be ‘sorry; my calculator can only handle eight-digit numbers’, Alice is terrified that her early pregnancy alcohol intake might have harmed the foetus, which, as the midwife points out “cannot process alcohol.” So, not a chip off the Aldridge block then? The medical advice is no alcohol at all when you are pregnant and Alice (and Chris, bless him) resolve that this will be a dry pregnancy for them both.

However, this is in the future, and we left Fallon going to see Johnny to confess about the missing scratchcard. As she tells Alice later, Johnny was “lovely about it” and she offered him freebies, delivered to him (when business allowed). That’s an awful lot of cake, coffee and muffins, Fallon.

Towards the end of the week, Jazzer is at the Tea Rooms and notices Fallon going off with a tray of goodies. She explains about the scratchcard and her obligation to Johnny and asks Jazzer to look after the shop while she’s away.

Jazzer finds himself in a moral dilemma, so he rings Alistair, who is not best pleased, as he has his arm up a cow’s uterus, or something equally inconvenient. Thinking about it, that can’t be right as he’d have difficulty answering the phone, wouldn’t he? Anyway, moving on, it wasn’t a convenient moment. Alistair says that Jazzer should consider what both Johnny and Fallon have been going through. “Whatever happened to ‘finder’s keepers’?” the Scottish milkman asks.

Astonishingly, for those of us who thought that Jazzer didn’t possess such a thing, his conscience is pricked and he tells Fallon that he has the missing scratchcard. She is pathetically grateful and says that she should offer him a finder’s fee, but Jazzer thinks that that should come from Johnny. Having said that, he says that a voucher for a free meal might help him rekindle the ardour of Jade. All I can say is that, if he thought that Jade would be impressed by (initially) a set of biking leathers and (now) a meal at the Tea Rooms, she must be deeply shallow. But then again, I don’t suppose Jazzer is looking for a meaningful and long-lasting relationship in the first place…

Let’s draw a veil over Jazzer’s love-life – although he hasn’t done badly from events over the past couple of weeks; by my reckoning, he has blagged 18 pints of lager (from Jolene and Jakob) and now a slap-up evening for two from the Tea Rooms. And you can bet your life that he will put the bite on Johnny for a ‘finder’s fee’ in due course. 

But let’s move on. This week’s blog is about being in the money and, at the end of the previous week’s episode, we bemoaned the fact that Jill’s 90^th birthday passed unreported upon in Ambridge. Well, in a kind of ‘birthday retrospective’, we can reveal that, yes, she had a lovely time and yes, she was overcome by the ‘Jill’s Journey’ wall of photographs adorning the Brookfield barn, plus Leonard gave her one of his paintings (not very good, in Ben’s opinion) of Brookfield. There was also an all-singing, all-dancing, food mixer, which she didn’t really want, as her pre WW2 usual mixer is perfectly adequate, but she’s too polite to say so.

Jill is having misgivings – yes, she’s 90, but are all her adventures over? Ben doesn’t see what difference another year makes and he coaxes his grandmother out for a ride in his car (actually her car, as she bought it for him for his birthday, but we’ll ignore that, as I’m sure Ben has conveniently done). It is an exhilarating outing and, as the pair return to Brookfield, Jill notices something glinting in the soil at Marney’s field. Yes, it’s a hoard of coins, and Jill cannot recognise them, so they’ve got to be old – very old. 

Jill excitedly says that they could have stumbled across some treasure and adds that, even at her age, life is full of surprises. This could be a mega-opportunity for Brookfield, Ben tells Rooooth, but she has just finished drilling/harrowing/sowing/ploughing (please choose one agricultural process that you fancy) the odd field and she’s not really interested. Ben keeps pestering her to allow the university access to the farm to check if there are any more coins around. “Maybe next year” she tells her son.

This isn’t quick enough for Ben and he gets on to the archaeology department at the Uni and the museum. They identify the coins as Anglo Saxon, and are extremely interested in carrying out a survey at Brookfield. Oh, and by the way, one of the coins is gold. This puts a different complexion on it for Rooooth and she practically starts excavating the field there and then.

Ben has an ulterior motive, as he has posted details of the find on social media and Evie (an archaeology student) has asked if she can use Brookfield as her field study. Ben grants her exclusive rights and appears to have developed a sudden passion for local history, from which we deduce that Evie must be attractive.

Chris and Alice agree that it is time to start making people aware of their forthcoming happy event, so he goes to tell Susan – surely that’s all they need to do; the entire English-speaking world will then know all about it within seconds – while Alice goes to see Brian and Jennifer. Unfortunately, Jennifer is not there – she’s in Felpersham, having her hair done. This takes longer than she expected and she rings Brian to explain why she’s late. But Brian isn’t there, so Jennifer turns on the car radio and is shocked and appalled to hear Susan telling her listeners that her daughter-in-law is expecting a happy event and isn’t it exciting? “Shut up, you insufferable woman!” Jennifer rants at the radio and then goes to see Susan (who broadcasts from home, remember).

To say that Jennifer is upset is a laughable understatement and there are some heated words and some home truths exchanged. Some of Jennifer’s insults are quite hurtful; hurtful, but very accurate – she starts off by calling Susan a blabbermouth and someone “with zero restraint.” Susan says that Chris had told her that Alice was on her way to tell her parents, so she (Susan) assumed that Jennifer knew about the pregnancy. “But I wasn’t at home” Jennifer snaps, to which Susan protests that she isn’t psychic; she hasn’t got a crystal ball. “No,” retorts Jennifer, “but you’ve got a microphone – it’s like giving an arsonist a box of matches.”

Susan replies that she doesn’t know what to say and Jennifer speaks for millions of listeners when she says “How about saying nothing for once?” “But I’m a DJ” Susan protests. “No you’re not – you’re a shock jock” Jennifer tells her.

By this time, Jennifer’s anger has dissipated somewhat and Susan suggests that they have a cuppa, meanwhile complimenting Jen on her hair. “After all, we’re grandmothers in law now” Susan reminds her. As the full horror of this sinks in, Jennifer tries to slit her wrists with the bread knife. Actually, that’s a lie, but I bet the thought crossed her mind. And if it didn’t, it surely will before long.

The two women chat some more and Jenny becomes quite tearful. It’s partly the shock of the sudden revelation, she tells Susan, and partly because it brought back the doubts and anxieties that she experienced when Lexi was carrying Xander and Jennifer feared that Lexi would want to keep the baby. They agree that they are both excited by the news and they vow to support each other and not to interfere in their children’s lives during the pregnancy. Ha! What are the chances of that happening, do you reckon? I can foresee a regular slot on Susan’s programme detailing every aspect of the pregnancy, from morning sickness frequency to every kick and movement of the baby. Meanwhile, Jennifer will operate a daily shuttle service, providing nourishing meals two or three times a day. Can’t you just see her force-feeding Alice with steak pie and the like, all the time muttering things like ‘you’ve got to keep your strength up, you know Alice’.