Ben Norris (Ben Archer)
Imagine you are Ben Archer, driving along and you get a phone call from your mother. Suddenly, you notice that the road is full of Herefords, which should really be in a field. Not surprisingly, you let out an exclamation, which causes Rooooth to ask what has happened? Wouldn’t your immediate reaction be to say something like ‘the cows have escaped’? What does Ben do? He tells Rooooth to get over to Marneys as quickly as possible and to drag along anyone else who happens to be free on the farm.
At no time does he tell his mother what is actually happening – I ask you, is that normal behaviour? Normal for Ben, perhaps – the lad has a penchant for coming up with complicated plans; plans that normally involve a female. Bencurrently has the hots for archaeology student Evie, who was one of the team carrying out a survey of Brookfield after some Anglo-Saxon coins were unearthed. The survey has been completed and Ben is racking his brains (if that isn’t too strong a word) to find a way to get in touch with Evie. I find that a phone usually works for me, Ben.
But that’s too easy. Now, listen carefully, as I could be asking questions later. Susan texts Rooooth, asking if anyone from Brookfield fancies appearing on her radio show to talk about the recent dig? Rooooth mutters ‘not likely’ but Ben says that he would be willing to do it. His mother expressly forbids it, saying that they don’t want to attract treasure seekers. She does ask if he can mention the barn as a venue.
Ben’s plan, as he tells Ruairi later, is for him to suggest to Susan that he could talk about how students are coping with the pandemic and possible lockdown (getting totally rat-arsed would be my guess). In the course of the interview, he could then succumb to Susan’s intelligent and probing questioning, as she forensically extracts the truth about the coins from him. Yeah, right – about the most probing question Susan is capable of asking would be along the lines of ‘what did you have for breakfast?’ Ruairi tells Ben that this is the worst plan since Napoleon’s march on Moscow, but Ben thinks it’s a winner.
Rooooth is quite proud that her youngest son will be appearing on the radio, but impresses upon him that there should be no mention of Ambridge (difficult if Susan asks tricky questions like ‘whereabouts is your family’s farm?’), nor the dig, and other words that are definitely taboo include ‘Anglo’, ‘Saxon’ and coins. What could possibly go wrong? Quite a lot, as it happens – from Susan’s questioning it becomes obvious that she has been told about the coins and the survey.
Not only that, but Ben only remembers to mention the barn in the final few seconds of the interview and, while he did not mention Ambridge, he did mention Brookfield. Luckily, he forgot to give the farm’s GPS coordinates, but it was touch and go.
But back to the escaping bovines – how did they get out? The answer is that the padlock on the field gate has been smashed and Rooooth is fuming, immediately connecting this with Ben’s indiscreet radio interview. Ben protests – she cannot be sure that it was the work of treasure hunters; it might be fly tippers. So where’s the rubbish then? Fortunately for him, Ben doesn’t say that they might have been considerate fly tippers, who buried the evidence, but Rooooth is very, very unhappy.
During the interview, Ben makes three or four mentions of Evie and the survey. Say what you like about Susan (and I usually do) but she can latch on to certain things – she tells listeners that Ben was mentioning Evie and that the barn at Brookfield can be hired for weddings and engagement parties. She then goes on to play Donny Osmond’s ‘Puppy Love’ for the pair, which makes Ben’s toes curl up as he writhes with embarrassment. You’d like to think that Evie would tell Ben to take a hike, but she found the whole thing amusing and asked him to meet for a coffee the following day; coming back from which liaison was when Ben spotted the awol Herefords.
It wasn’t all good for Ben – he rang Ruairi to see what he’s doing for his 18th birthday, to hear that one of Ruairi’s schoolfriends has organised (and his father is paying for) a two-day hotel stay with the opportunity to meet and greet some well-known comedian. I don’t know if the comedian was a real person (I suspect not – but if I’m wrong, I apologise) but Ben was all for it. Imagine his disappointment then when Ruairi reveals that they only have three tickets and the three will be Ruairi, Troy (whose father is paying for this) and Munster (another schoolmate). Tough luck Ben.
If I were Ruairi, I would try and break the world record for being drunk for the longest time, as apart from the aforementioned event, his 18thwould appear to be a shoo-in for ‘the world’s most boring 18th birthday’ award. Consider: Rooooth asks Ben what is Ruairi’s shirt size, as that is what she is considering buying him? Ben is horrified and tells his mother “Ruairi is going to be 18, not 80.” He also adds that Ruairi will have enough problems, as Jennifer’s idea of a good time is to host a dinner party for Ruairi, consisting of her, Brian, Ruairi and Ben (lucky boy!). Look Ruairi – aged 18 you can drink legally and Brian is renowned for the quality of his cellar, so why not see how much of it you can drink?
What else is happening? At Lower Loxley, Lily is frustrated because Freddie won’t tell her his plans for the Christmas extravaganza that he is supposed to be directing. Elizabeth is not interested, as she has a meeting with the Trustees of L-L. After the meeting, Bernard (the Chairman of the Trustees) asks for a word with Elizabeth. He is concerned that Freddie will be organising the Christmas show – his drugs conviction might count against him, as producing the show could leave Lower Loxley with ‘reputational damage’ if it is a commercial failure.
The time is approaching, Bernard reminds Elizabeth, when the Trustees will have to decide whether Freddie is the “right person to become custodian of Lower Loxley” and “this will be a very public test of his capabilities.” Now, excuse my ignorance, and I know I am a peasant, but who are these people? How can they decide who should inherit the stately pile? I thought Freddie was a nailed-on certainty as eldest son (but not the eldest child, I believe – I think Lily was first-born by a few minutes) so who are these people?
Elizabeth is a tad miffed at the slur on her son and assures Bernard that Freddie has it all in hand. Well, good luck with that Elizabeth – I wouldn’t bet my mortgage (or my stately home) on Freddie’s directorial abilities. Having said that, I have little doubt that, should Freddie either have no ideas, or get into organisational difficulties, he could appeal to Lynda, who will pull his chestnuts out of the fire.
We learnt of a (to me, at least) new character, when Susan went to see Alice; taking her a veggie chilli (which Susan described as ‘a failed experiment’ – this perhaps explains Alice’s lack of enthusiasm at the gift). Alice wants to be left alone – she is suffering badly with morning sickness – but Susan is oblivious to the icy atmosphere and wheedles her way in.
The talk turns to Susan’s late mother, Ivy (who died nine years ago) and there are tears from both women when they swap memories. Susan also talks about her brother, Stewart, who was – to be charitable – an alcoholic. She says that he could never realise the hurt and damage that he was causing people. “Not like you or me, eh Alice?” Susan asks.
Alice is having a hard time with Jennifer, who also suffered from morning sickness. Jennifer drives Alice home from the office after the latter threw up over the shoes of a client during an interview. Jennifer says that Alice is doing everything right; eating healthily, looking after herself, etc., but perhaps she should seek advice from her GP or Midwife. Alice replies that this is something she has to sort out on her own.
Over at Brookfield, we have had the discussion about where they can find the extra land needed for expansion of Josh’s egg business and for the expansion of the dairy herd. The family consensus was that, if they turned the Fairbrothers out of Hollowtree, that would give them the extra capacity they need – Josh could move his extra fowls into Hollowtree and Pip would benefit from the land that Josh would otherwise need, to graze her expanded dairy herd.
Someone needs to tell the Fairbrothers that they are living on borrowed time, so Pip goes to see Rex. Rex isn’t happy, but he appreciates it when Pip says that she opposed the idea. Now Toby needs to be told, and when Pip goes to see him, it becomes evident that he already knows – Rex has phoned him – and he is quite sanguine about it; saying that it is Brookfield’s land to do with as they wish. One might suggest that this might be because it is easier to find somewhere else to relocate a Gin Still, rather than a herd of pigs (is that the correct collective noun?) but Pip is grateful, and shows this by asking Toby if he could have Rosie for an extra hour, as she has to go and help round up some errant cows.
As the week ends, Rex goes to see Pip and he says that he sees things more clearly now – he has learnt (from Toby) that Brookfield needs Hollowtree so that Josh can expand his egg business – a bitter Rex remembers how Josh swanned off to Thailand, leaving Rex to try and explain to police about the irregularities about the former’s farm machinery business, not to mention Josh selling Rex (albeit unwittingly) a stolen trailer.
His bitterness was intensified when Toby told him that Pip would also benefit by being able to expand the dairy herd – Rex thinks he has been stitched up and calls Pip a hypocrite; she never really stood up for him over the Hollowtree decision. Pip explains that this was a business decision and Rex should stop wallowing in self pity and get a grip. In an icy tone, Rex says please be sure to give the proper notice when they move Josh in, won’t you?
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that this bodes very well for the future of the Ambridge Rewilding consortium, do you?
Never trust an Archer.
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