Alice’s secret is out – she was celebrating her birthday with Auntie Lilian and the latter’s suspicions were aroused when Alice refused a drink; something which is unheard of. “Next you’ll be telling me you’re pregnant” Lilian says, jokingly, adding, after a pause, “Oh my goodness!” as the penny drops.
Alice admits that she is terrified and Lilian says that she bets Chris is chuffed to bits. Gloomily, Alice confirms that this is indeed the case and he is wondering about names for the child, which she thinks is a tad premature, to say the least. What is worrying Alice is whether her social life will come to a grinding halt – will she be able to have fun after the birth?
Lilian is in no doubt, saying that, with grandmothers Jennifer and Susan on babysitting duties, Alice will be lucky if she ever gets to see the child. As for drinking, Lilian tells her niece that, when she was pregnant with James, it never stopped her having a drink or two. This news prompted the title of this week’s blog – you have been warned, Alice! Look at James and be afraid – very afraid. Obviously Alice listens to her elders, as she allows Lilian to pour her a glass of wine (“after all, red wine contains iron, doesn’t it?” is how Alice justifies it to herself). “I feel much better about it now” she says as she glugs it down. Think how much better you’d feel if you emptied the bottle, Alice.
We know that Alice wasn’t wildly happy about being pregnant because she rang her counsellor to express her doubts and fears (this was before the Merlot therapy with Aunt Lilian).
Let’s leave Alice and future sprog and turn to another, seasonable, subject; if this is October (and, to save you looking, it is) then surely it’s time for the annual borefest that is the Lynda Snell Christmas extravaganza to start kicking in? But wait! Apparently this year we are to be spared, as Lynda is adamant that she will not do a production this year. Freddie – to whom she confides this information – is dismayed (why, you fool?). Who can they get to pick up the baton? Russ is a possibility, but they both reject him, as being a pretentious git (I am paraphrasing here), so who else could possibly fill Lynda’s shoes? Lynda asks Freddie if he had considered putting his name forward as Director? Of course – why not draft in someone who has no experience of drama and who runs a mile whenever Lynda is looking for actors, and whose Yuletide venture last year (‘The Hidden Lower Loxley’, or similar) was an unmitigated disaster, which sold about three tickets?
Freddie runs the idea past his mother, who can barely control her incredulity. Nevertheless, Elizabeth stages a mock interview with her son and, at the end, announces that the job is his if he wants it. This is the sort of thing that gives nepotism a bad name. Before we celebrate the stepping aside of La Snell, Freddie tells Elizabeth that he intends to take full advantage of Lynda’s knowledge, experience and expertise and I fear that we will be facing a Snell production in all but name.
Over at The Bull, things are not going well with the ‘naughty milkman’ promotion – all the photographs of Jakob are awful and there isn’t one that is usable. Jolene approaches Jazzer to see if he will allow Fallon to use the photographs that she took of him, but he plays hard to get at first, before eventually caving in for a fee of six pints of lager. But who will break the news to Jakob that he has been replaced? Never fear; Jazzer says he will do it.
So Jazzer engages Jakob in conversation and asks how the milkman gig is going? Jakob is distraught, as he realises that his photos are terrible. He confides that he only agreed to do it because it was Kate’s idea and he doesn’t like to let people down, but what will it do to his professional reputation? Jazzer piles on the agony, telling the vet that Jolene has plans to flood the county with leaflets and flyers featuring Jakob’s face – there are also plans to have a naughty milkman billboard by the side of the Felpersham bypass. He groans at this news and says that wishes he had never done the photoshoot and his reputation and professional standing will be in ruins.
Jazzer says what if there was a way that would let Jakob retire respectably from the whole scheme? The canny Scotsman suggests that Jakob tells Jolene that, on second thoughts, his role as the naughty milkman would conflict with his professional duties and he’ll have to walk away from the whole idea. “You don’t know how grateful I am, Jazzer” the vet tells him. Jazzer even says that he will break the news to Jolene and, talking of being grateful, his fee for arranging this is a dozen pints of lager from The Bull’s delivery service. Not a bad morning’s work, Jazzer.
Meanwhile, at The Bull, Fallon hands over the memory stick containing Jazzer’s photographs to Jolene. Fallon reveals that her friend Marcus has asked her and Harrison to be Godparents to his recently-born son. Incidentally, the poor little sod goes by the name of Wolf, so the chances are that he’ll grow up despising his parents – as a name, ‘Wolf’ is only slightly better than ‘mangy cur’ in my humble opinion.
Fallon doesn’t think she’s up to the job as a) she isn’t at all religious and b) she doesn’t particularly like children. Jolene thinks that Fallon would be a wonderful Godmother, plus you never know “it might be good practice if you and Harrison ever decide to give it a whirl.” Fallon immediately knocks this idea on the head, telling her mother that she (Fallon) doesn’t want children; not now, not ever. Jolene asks if she has discussed this with Harrison and, when Fallon admits that they haven’t talked about it, Jolene says that perhaps it would be a good idea. “Now is the time to be brave and talk to him” she tells her daughter.
Talking of being brave, Lilian is nervous as she has – as she tells Jolene – “been summoned to the presence” by Lynda Snell. Lilian expects to be given a tongue-lashing for the way she spoke to Lynda the other week about her treatment of husband Robert, but the opposite is true – Lynda thanks Lilian for her frankness and for telling her some home truths. “This tough love was exactly what I needed” says Lynda and we learn that things are back to normal in the bedroom department. We also learn that, in the battle of the two Snell gardens at the Virtual Flower and Produce Show, Robert proved victorious and Lynda was delighted for him and pleased because he made no concessions to Lynda’s injuries.
The situation concerning Gavin and his imaginary gambling problem is becoming ever-more complicated. Gavin complains that Kirsty is watching him like a hawk and, every time he uses his phone, he knows that she is convinced that he is ringing the bookies. Kirsty walks in on the two men having a heated and noisy debate and, having sent Gavin off on some pretext about the shower not draining properly, she tells Philip that gambling is a serious problem and that he and his son should not be rowing about it. When Gavin returns, Kirsty makes Philip apologise to him and asks Philip if there’s anything else going on that she doesn’t know about?
In order to get his father out of a difficult spot, Gavin says that it’s time to ‘fess up and that, while he was spending time at his mother’s, he was on top of the gambling, but since he returned to Ambridge, he has placed a couple of bets. A triumphant Kirsty says “I knew there was something” and she tells Gavin yet again that they can all help him get through this. If this story goes on much longer, the Mosses will have to start making notes – not only did Gavin not really spend any time at his mother’s, but he has never had a gambling problem. Even worse, his father’s fiancée is now of the opinion that he is not only a gambling addict, but a lapsed gambling addict to boot. Mark my words; it will all end in tears, which will be a shame for Kirsty, as God only knows that she has had a lot to put up with recently. And yes, Tom, I am talking about you.
Finally this week, we had a mega ‘damp squib’ moment with the celebration that never was. October 4th was Jill Archer’s birthday and we were treated to two or three days of various members of the Archer clan discussing photographs showing various aspects of her life. This was because it was a very special birthday (it was Jill’s 90th) and, put simply, it never happened, and now it’s all over.
As far as we know, the barn at Brookfield was decorated with said photographs, illustrating what was named as “Jill’s Journey” and the only present that was mentioned was a food mixer. On this latter gift, the phrase ‘coals to Newcastle’ springs to mind. We never heard a single word from Jill and neither was there any hint of celebration – not even the popping of a single champagne cork. Ah well, Jill, we hope you had a happy birthday anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment