Justin and Lilian have got a few bob to spend from the sale of a barn and Lilian has seen an opportunity to by a first class bay horse (more commonly known in non-horsey circles as a brown one) and has engaged Jakob to give it the once-over. Justin is irritated by this as he’s arranged a short break for them both to the Isle of Wight and he’s worried about missing their ferry. Adding to his irritation is the fact that it’s a Sunday so Jakob’s fee is going to be astronomical on top of the hundreds of thousands for the nag itself. Despite the King’s ransom he’ll be paid, Jakob is irritated as well, mainly due to Justin and Lilian’s attempts to get him to hurry up. They should know by now, as do we, that Jakob’s not the hurrying type, especially as the horse, Double Bill, is the most valuable animal he’s ever assessed. Lilian tries turning on the charm to get Jakob to tip her the wink (does she know him at all?) but he insists on being thorough by requesting blood tests and an ultrasound, which will take hours. Justin and Lilian depart with a request to be contacted as soon as the results are in.
Once ensconced in the ferry’s bar they start to unwind with a couple of G&T’s (I hope the bar’s well stocked) and Justin lets on about his real intentions for their trip. He thinks that instead of sinking their funds in an eventer they should instead buy a yacht! Apparently eventing was his ex-wife Miranda’s thing and that’s put him off for life, whereas he thinks Lilian would rather re-kindle her apparent love of sailing. Furthermore he thinks that Damara and Amside should have their own racing team and they could travel the world. For ‘love of sailing’ read ‘over exaggerated boasting to Mandy Beesborough about her sailing prowess’ so, how do you get out of this one Lilian?
Lilian’s plan is to beat Justin to the post and buy the horse before Justin has a chance to buy a yacht, but Jakob’s taking longer than expected to report the results. To further pile on the pressure, when they meet the broker Nancy in Cowes, she turns out to be one of Lilian’s old acquaintances from her sailing days out of Guernsey. We learn that Lilian used to be called Lighthouse Lil, because she used to glow after a few drinks (and not because she was a navigational aid to passing sailors although she may have been that too). Out of earshot of Justin Nancy can’t resist reminding Lilian about an incident that happened last time she was in a boat - something about a phantom walrus of all things.
Nancy shows the pair around a couple of boats and Justin is very impressed with the woodwork and overall craftsmanship, while Lilian is very dismissive. Alongside this, Nancy is simultaneously bigging-up Lilian’s abilities saying that her piloting skills are something to be believed, while flattering and fawning all over Justin and extolling the prospect of relaxing between races on a fully-crewed yacht. It’s when Nancy starts picking her up on her boating terminology that Lilian starts to bite (fair enough, even I know the pointy end is the stern - or is it the bow?) and is compelled to spill the beans. Apparently the incident with the fictitious walrus, that incidentally turned out be a rock, resulted in their keel being ripped off and having to be rescued by a lifeboat. She was never, she confesses, a very good sailor and in fact positively hated it - she was only trying to fit in with the crowd.
So it’s back to the horse and Jakob’s got some preliminary results through and it’s not good news. Double Bill has got a serious case of PSD (Proximal Suspensory Desmitis) in both hind legs which would require surgery to prevent it developing into lameness. Lilian is at a loss to how it wasn’t obvious when they saw the horse but Jakob has found out why - it had been doped with bute (phenylbutazone), an anti-inflammatory drug which would have disguised the problem. So that’s the yacht and the horse out of the picture, so what to spend the money on?
Alistair has agreed to look after a West Highland Terrier called Mousse owned by an elderly client of his while she’s in hospital having a dodgy foot seen to. Alistair warns Jazzer about the Westie’s attitude just as she’s sinking her teeth into him. On the other hand she’s all over Jazzer, demanding belly rubs and ear skritches, which is a good thing as later on Alistair is incapable of looking after her at the surgery because she won’t leave Jakob alone. Alistair brings Mousse back to Greenacres for Jazzer to look after and discovers that far from having a problem with strangers, Mousse just seems to have a problem with Alistair, as she runs straight to Tracy for more fussing. Mousse isn’t a fan of the classics either which she demonstrates by knocking over and smashing Jim’s Cicero mug - you know, the one with “De gustibus non disputandum est!” written on it - that was a present from his last tutor group.
Jakob hasn’t been handling the pressure of assessing Double Bill very well and takes it out on his practice nurse Denise, saying that she’s even more annoying than ‘that stupid dog’ mousse. This is the last straw for Denise who’s had to put up with Jakob’s lack of manners for the past two years, and she quits. It’s obvious that he’s never appreciated her - when he’s looking for sample pots he eludes that running round after him gave her something to do in-between looking after hamsters! His penance is to take his share of looking after her small animal clinic - first up is a rat with mites - and he then has to ring Denise to apologise, hoping she’ll come back.
Denise comes in to the practice and Jakob starts a grovelling apology which is interrupted by Lilian bursting in bearing one of Underwoods’ finest summer hampers as a thank-you for doing such a thorough job over Double Bill, saving her shed-loads of money. Back to the apology and Jakob starts to make the situation worse but pulls it out of the bag at the last minute when he realises that continuing to see clients would make the fact that Denise’s children are leaving home more bearable. Alistair makes it a double-whammy by suggesting she re-homes Mousse as her owner has had to go into a nursing home and the alternative would be taking her to the pet rescue.
By the way, before you reach for your old school Latin-English dictionary, the slogan on Jim’s mug roughly translates as “there’s no accounting for taste”, which pretty well sums up the various storylines in this week’s episodes.
Finis.
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