No Authority - No Authority At All

Jackie Weaver

Both Harrison and Fallon have an afternoon off but It seems that Fallon would like to spend her time with Vincent. Who is Vincent? Vincent is one half of Fallon’s entry for the scarecrow competition at the village fete and is modelled on Vincent Vega, John Travolta’s character in Reservoir Dogs. The other half? Mia Wallace the gangster’s wife, played by Uma Thurman in the film. Fallon’s not sure she’s got Vincent’s hair right so heads off to the village hall where the theatrical wigs are stored. I wonder what scene she’ll have them reenacting, the one where Mia overdoses on Heroin and Vincent injects adrenaline into her heart to restart it? No of course not, dancing the twist at Jack Rabbit Slim’s restaurant of course!

Someones been messing with The Bull’s scarecrow and it’s now leaning against the pub surrounded by empty wine bottles and apparently bears more than a passing resemblance to Alice. The real Alice is nowhere to be found. Brian and Jennifer thought she was in her room but her bed’s not been slept in and it doesn’t take long for the whole village to be out looking for her. Brian’s just about to start driving round the village when Jenny gets a message from her saying she’s ok and will be back soon.

The wine bottles will have to be cleared away from the scarecrow as to everyone’s surprise Alice is back in rehab, and she’s sent a short letter to Jennifer explaining how it happened. Apparently she turned up at Shula’s very upset and asked her to sell Banjo to help fund a return to rehab. It could take weeks to sell the horse so Shula advanced her the money. Jennifer’s very grateful and relieved as it looks like Alice’s battle with alcohol may have turned a corner.

Mystery still surrounds the identity of the celebrity guest who will be opening the fete and judge the scarecrow competition, but could it be the one who’s wandering around the village? One whom I would suspect would do rather well on the real Mastermind, and certainly wipe the floor with the competition on the celebrity version just as she did with the chair of Handforth parish council. The first person to encounter her is Tracy Horrobin who thinks she’s her old domestic science teacher but Jackie Weaver (for it is she) is gracious in her misunderstanding. Jackie’s looking for Usher and Tracy shows her where she is, all the time rubbishing everyone else’s scarecrows. Tracy, for what it’s worth, has made a Minion. Wikipedia’s description is “characterised by their childlike behaviour and unique language, which is almost intelligible at times” - that’s Minions not Tracy Horrobin.

But there’s trouble as well as tea brewing at the refreshment tent as Hilary Noakes and Audrey Fisher have raised an angry mob to protest against the scarecrow competition. Lynda wants a show of strength by raising a militia to dispel the protest but Usher is sent to negotiate terms instead, while Tracy distracts Jackie Weaver by taking her back home for a cuppa. Jackie see’s through the ruse so Tracy spills the beans about what’s really going on while Jackie listens intently. Usha’s mission is futile and just when all seems lost Jackie Weaver’s voice is heard over the loudspeakers. 

After introducing herself she addresses the protesters and explains that her experience in local government matters tells her that they may be contravening various areas of legislation - blocking the public highway without first informing the police, carrying out activities that are outside the scope of the fete’s license, and finally she informs them that they have no authority - no authority at all! Once the protest has dispersed she eschews the offer of more tea in favour of a half of Shires.

In other news Adam’s been offered a farm manager job at Danforth Barton Farm, a 4,000 acre farm on the other side of Felpersham, the commute to and from which will play havoc with Zanda’s childcare. Ian Is very supportive but Adam’s worried out the effect on their marriage too. It’s Adam’s ideal job so they both agree to make it work. Adam gives Brian two week’s notice and he takes the news well and they both end up being philosophical about the 18 years they’ve spent working together. Jenny on the other hand is furious, not so much about Adam leaving but that it’s obviously been known about for ages and she hasn’t been kept in the loop about an important development. She’s determined to be fully involved in the selection of the new farm manager.

Over to Lower Loxley and there someone else is about to get furious. Elizabeth goes hat shopping for Steph’s wedding assisted by Lily, and Liz wonders whether she will soon be buying another hat for another wedding. Not yet, says Lily, although their relationship is going well and her and Russ are going away for the night (to Grey Gables!) which Lily will pay for out of her bonus that’s just come through. When Elizabeth Shows Vince the hat she’s chosen his reaction is not what she expected; “did you keep the receipt?” It’s not because he doesn’t like it, but Vince says that Steph’s put him in a difficult position by asking for Lizzie to be uninvited. The official excuse given by Vince is to keep the numbers down but Lily discloses that her and Russ have just had an invite and after talking to Steph there seems to be spare places.

Elizabeth asks Vince a straightforward question to which she expects a simple answer - who’s telling the truth about the wedding, Vince or his daughter Steph? The answer is that Steph was telling the truth and Vince lied because he found out that all three of his ex-wives and his estranged daughter will be at the wedding and none of them have a good word to say about him. He didn’t want Elizabeth exposed to all his dirty linen but knows he’s messed up and asks her to accompany him after all. Elizabeth accepts but makes it very clear that he’s messed up for the last time - there will be no more chances after this. She won’t be lied to again.

Lily and Russ turn up at Grey Gables for their night away but there’s been a mix-up and Roy’s allocated them a single room. He changes the booking but this time allocates them a room with twin beds. Roy’s not quite with it and so Tracy changes it this time to a double. Russ isn’t happy with the mix ups and is even less pleased when Tracy invites them round to her house for dinner. The time Tracy and Roman came round to Lower Loxley isn’t an evening he’s likely to forget, and just incase he does, Lily accepts the invitation. It’s turns out that Tracy has an ulterior motive as she wants to pick their brains about Chelsea and her poor exam results. This concern for her daughter’s education pricks Russ’ conscience and suddenly he’s happy to accept and his whole demeanour changes. I’m sure, like me, that you’re looking forward to the evening chez Tracy and Jazzer with great anticipation.

And finally, I know you can’t wait to find out who won the scarecrow competition. I was rather hoping that Jackie Weaver would make an innocent faux-pas and award the prize to The Bull, but no, it was Rex and Phoebe with their depiction of a family camping scene. How nice.

It's Time - I'm Leaving

Arthur Hughes (Ruairi Donovan)

Two weeks into babysitting Alice and Amy Franks has had enough. Alice is going back home but things are still far from happy there as Jennifer and Peggy still haven’t resolved their differences.  However Jennifer’s in a more positive (if naive) mood when she’s says that whatever Alice does now, she’ll just let it wash over her.

Seasoned listeners (and/or readers of our humble blog) will recognise that as a cue to gird our collective loins as there’s going to be something less like a gentle wash and more like a tsunami, and sure enough we see the sea receding from the shore as Alice and Ruairi are talking. Tetchy to say the least, Alice is irritated by Ruairi’s gentle questions and reassurances when all he is trying to do is understand her situation so he can help. 

Alice nips out for a quick sniff of Jolene’s apron and returns with a handbag full of ‘lunch’ but Jennifer can see, and probably smell, the vodka. Then the tsunami hits and within moments leaves a trail of devastation. ‘Hateful’ is how Jennifer describes Alice’s systematic destruction of the family - Brian’s extracurricular ‘shagging’ which was apparently due to Jennifer’s nagging, and how Ruairi isn’t a proper part of the family, “the little bastard that no-one planned and no-one wanted”, a mistake, “a cuckoo in the nest”. She goes on to say that it’s been a pain to have been around “the little brat sobbing over his dead mummy” and no-one could say what they really felt about him.

Alice goes on to say that Ruairi destroyed Jennifer and that her and Kate had to rally round Jenny when Siobhan’s CD arrived (she recorded a message to him just before she died which he received on his 18th birthday). There’s an element of truth to this that Jennifer cannot deny and an upset Ruairi has to leave the room. Alice carries on spewing out her bile and only a sharp slap on the face from Jennifer stops her.

The next morning Ruairi’s up early as he’s anxious to get to school to pick up his exam results. Alice’s rant has had a profound affect on how he feels about his family, and he stayed over at Ben’s because he couldn’t face going back to Adam’s. He tells Ben that he’s sick of all of them and wants to make sure his results are enough for him to get on with his life. Of course he smashes it with 3 A stars and can go to London to study, which he can’t wait to do. In fact so keen is he to get away from Ambridge that he’s booked tickets to Ireland to see the rest of his family, is leaving tomorrow and will probably go straight to college from there. Jennifer tries to dissuade him and the conversation is calmer without Alice around, but Ruairi doesn’t change his mind. It’s time - he’s leaving.

While all this is going on, Alan is speculating about the mystery celebrity who will be opening the village fete. It is still officially a secret but Lilian can’t contain herself and tells him that Lynda has nominated herself on the basis of having an MBE. The best response Alan can manage is “I suppose we could do worse” while Lilian thinks that anyone you could buy a box of matches off in the village shop hardly counts as a celebrity. I tend to agree, although at least I would have heard of her - half the time I haven’t got a clue who these so-called celebrities are who pop up on TV with alarming regularity. And why I’m on the subject, why are the questions on ‘celebrity’ game shows always so much easier than on the regular versions? But I digress.

Lynda has troubles of her own. Audrey Fisher (who we only recently became aware of when she was voted in as interim chair of the parish council) and Hilary Noakes (long-standing opponent of anything that might bring a little joy to the residents of Ambridge) object to the scarecrow competition on the flimsy associations between scarecrows and death and horror. Their plan is to have the village fete’s license revoked by escalating the issue to the local MP. Alan gets his solicitor wife Usha on the case and she’s pretty sure that Audrey and Hilary’s plan will fail. What’s more she has a contact who faced a similar situation so will check with her just to make sure.

Finally back to Alice. She’s full of regrets and isn’t made to feel any better when she encounters her father in the kitchen. I could tell he wasn’t happy because I lost count of the times he repeated Alice’s words back to her - “don’t be hard on me!”

Shula Falls For Neil

Judy Bennett (Shula Hebden Lloyd)

Shula drops in at Brookfield to pick up her beef order; she tells David how busy it is at the Stables, plus she has heard about her upcoming ordination placement, which will take place shortly, at a parish in Birmingham. Life is hectic and she doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. David asks if she is seeing Neil later and remarks that he seems to be spending a lot of time at the Stables. Shula explains about their arrangement, whereby Neil looks after Shula’s garden and, in return, she gives Keira free riding lessons. She says she’d better go – she is taking out a newly-acquired pony today to see how it behaves. As Shula leaves, Rooooth remarks that Shula seems to have a lot on her mind, and on her plate.

Meanwhile, Neil and Jazzer are at Berrow Farm, getting ready to move some pigs. They discuss their respective other halves, and Jazzer conveys way too much information about how Tracy is not one of those people who falls asleep as soon as their head touches the pillow and it’s no wonder that he finds it difficult to get up in the mornings. Neil makes the point that Susan always likes the last word – “You can never win an argument with a Horrobin woman” he tells Jazzer.

Just then, Neil’s phone rings. It’s Shula, wanting to tell Neil not to come and do the garden later, as she will be tied up. She is riding the new horse and Neil can see her on the bridleway. The horse seems a bit skittish and it is suddenly spooked, throwing Shula to the ground, where she lies, unconscious. Neil tells Jazzer to call an ambulance and, when the Scotsman goes to the farm gate to show the paramedic the way in, Neil talks to the recumbent Shula, saying that it looks like she has broken her arm, “but it’s OK – I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

The following day we learn that Shula’s arm is indeed broken and they kept her in overnight in case of concussion. Neil returns home early from work; he had a sleepless and disturbed night, worrying, so he called it a day. He is surprised when Susan tells him that Shula is at home – David picked her up and brought her back. 

Susan knows this because she dropped in to see Shula, as she (Susan) was feeling guilty because she was very short with Shula when she dropped in on her and Neil the other day and Susan wanted to apologise. In the course of this conversation, Shula mentions that Neil is helping her with her shed, which is news to Susan. “I hardly ever see Neil nowadays” his wife says, a trifle wistfully. What, with looking after Martha and the household chores, I’m surprised she sees him at all.

Susan happens to mention that Shula said she’d like to thank Neil. Susan suggests that he might like to go now, but of course, if he’d rather stay here… But Neil is gone in a flash and on his way to the Stables. Both he and Shula say how lucky it was that he was on the spot; Shula could have been lying there for hours, otherwise. If Shula ever wants anything, she only has to call Neil, he tells her. But Shula is worried and says that people are starting to gossip about the amount of time they are spending together. Neil is incredulous – who are these people? When Shula admits that it’s really only Alistair, Neil dismisses it and reminds Shula that he and her are lifelong friends. And oh yes; here’s your phone back Shula.

Speaking of phones, is it legal to be on a mobile when riding a horse? Shula says that it was a stupid thing to do, and she emphasises this fact to her students. A cynic might say that, with this ‘don’t do what I do, just do what I say’ attitude, Shula ought to be in Government, but let’s keep politics out of the Archers. Going back to the legality or otherwise of mounted mobile activity, don’t you think that, if it isn’t illegal, then it ought to be? I’m not advocating using a phone while at the wheel of a car, but if it’s potential loss of control through only having one hand on the steering wheel/horse reins that is the issue, then I submit that a car is less likely to be spooked, or distracted by the smell of pigs (which was apparently the case with Shula’s mount, to get back to our narrative).

Neil’s desire to be helpful soon annoys Shula – he pops round with a lasagne; should he put it in the oven? Oh, and he’s noticed that one of her spotlights needs replacing; has she got a spare and where is the stepladder? Shula is starting to feel pressured and tells Neil to go home, please. Now. He does so, leaving the stepladder in the hall. To be fair to Shula, she is frustrated as she has received an e-mail telling her that her ordainment placement has been postponed until she is free of her arm in plaster (which will be about six weeks).

The stepladder is noticed by Alistair, when he calls round with some shopping. Shula tells him about Neil and the spotlight and Alistair apologises for what he said about Shula, Neil and the gossip. “I got it wrong” the vet says, contritely. There is a long pause, and then we hear Shula say: “Actually, I don’t think you did.” She goes on to tell him that nothing has been going on between her and Neil, but she is frightened of the way she is feeling and, when she fell and came round, she realised that it was Neil she wanted and she had a crystal-clear thought that “I can’t die, because, if I do, I’ll never see him again.” A shocked Alistair asks “You’re in love with him?” Shula replies that she doesn’t know, but Alistair must keep quiet. “No-one can ever know” his ex-wife insists.

We have spent a while on this story, but it’s not every week that you get a potential vicar committing an imaginary affair with a good friend. About time Shula got a story with some meat in it. 

Let’s look what’s been happening elsewhere. Josh, the errant Brookfield entrepreneur, appears to have cocked it up again, as the output from his hens is down by some 20% and there is an additional problem; his eggshells are paper thin and more fragile than Faberge eggs. Something is obviously wrong and, having secured a massive order from a customer, it needs to be sorted, so Alistair is brought in and he takes samples. Rooooth tells David not to interfere – let Josh sort it out by himself.

It turns out that the problem is that the hens have Infectious Bronchitis (no eggs for me please, Mr. Archer!) and the reason is that Josh took a ‘calculated risk’ by not giving them all their booster vaccinations. Make that ‘miscalculated risk’, Josh. There is much bickering about the times that other members of the Archer family have made mistakes, and Josh points out that he is not the only one. True, Josh, but you are the only one whose previous cock-ups have involved a police investigation and a stiff talking-to. So, asks David, how is he going to get out of this? The answer is to buy in free range eggs from other, reputable producers, explain to his customers that there has been a slight hiccup and to take the short-term financial hit in the expectation of long-term gains. Another triumph of business know-how, Josh.

Over at Honeysuckle Cottage, Brian and Jennifer are babysitting Xander, aided and abetted by Ruairi, who has cooked them a very palatable meal, helped by hints from Chef Ian. The evening gets into a swing with games of Cluedo, at which Ruairi is a bit of a demon, apparently (the long, dark evenings must simply fly by). The talk turns to Alice and how she hid her illness (and the empty bottles) from them. Jennifer is disappointed, as she always thought (and hoped) that her children could talk to her about anything. Ruairi replies that he could tell her anything and, diverting attention from Brian’s suggestion that it was Professor Plum in the Ballroom, with a Spanner, casually mentions that he is Bisexual.

Jennifer is at pains to accept this as a piece of news on par with ‘I’m thinking of getting a haircut’ and doesn’t miss a beat in the conversation. She cajoles Brian later for his lack of reaction, but he maintains that it was a tactic by Ruairi to sidestep the fact that Brian had the correct solution (sorry, but we never found out if he was right). Brian admitted that his reaction when Adam came out was unfortunate, but he was determined not to make the same mistake with Ruairi.

Brian adds that he shouldn’t really be surprised as “our children don’t really do ‘normal’, do they?” he asks Jennifer, adding that he is a bit of a dinosaur in these matters. “At least we did a good job with Ruairi” he tells Jenny, with the postscript that “I suppose one out of four isn’t too bad.” This seems a little harsh on Debbie, and indeed Adam, as, let’s face it, out of the Aldridge/Macy children, it is only Kate who could really be described as a complete flake and as mad as a box of frogs.

Of course, the above has omitted to include Alice, who we learned last week has gone to live with Amy Franks in Nottingham. Back in Ambridge, Chris and Susan are witnessing Martha’s first (and ultimately successful) attempts to sit up, unaided. Chris becomes tearful that Alice is missing all these landmark moments in her daughter’s life, and Susan suggests that they video them and save them, and even make a ‘memory box’ for Alice to look back on.

Chris wonders if he should ring Amy and ask to speak to Alice. Susan says it could be worth a try, but he should be prepared that she might not want to talk to him. Nevertheless, Chris goes ahead. Amy answers and, after the social chitchat, she says that she is frantically busy (she’s a midwife and there are lots of lockdown babies). Alice, says Amy, isn’t there. Just then, there is the click of a door and Amy says that it’s Alice going out – she thought that she had already left.

How are things? Chris asks. Not good, Amy replies – things started OK, but Alice has started drinking and going (and staying) out late at night. Amy is struggling to cope, and Alice is getting angry and sneaking out to buy drink. Chris tells her that she shouldn’t have to be putting up with this sort of thing and, when Amy protests that Alice is her friend, but her work is stressful enough without worrying what she is going to come home to. 

Chris says yes, it’s true that Amy is Alice’s friend, but Alice is the responsibility of him and the family, not Amy. In a stern voice, Chris says “Alice should be here with us – it’s time for her to come home.” Well, good luck with that, Chris; personally, the only way I can see it happening is with her heavily sedated and bound hand and foot, slung from a long pole. Of course, alternatively they could give her a bottle of vodka and get her in the car and on the road after she has passed out. 

 

From Delusions Of Adequacy To Delusions Of Grandeur…

Carole Boyd (Lynda Snell)

OK, let’s get it over with – it’s time for the Fete planning to begin in earnest. And this year it’s personal, to coin a phrase – Lynda reveals to Joy that Darrington have chosen to hold their fete on the same date as Ambridge and, even worse, the head of their fete committee is Evangeline - Lynda’s nemesis from the Mystery Plays fiasco – and, as Lynda tells Joy at a private committee pre-meeting, meeting (so that they can sort things out “before the trouble-makers get here” - Lynda’s phrase), Evangeline’s “sole purpose in life is to upstage me.” I wonder who bagsied the date first, but we’ll gloss over that.

Joy has had the idea of cowpat roulette, and Lynda sounds a little uncertain, but Tony has already agreed to provide both a cow and a field and Joy assures Lynda that “the kiddies will love it.” Having established the intellectual and cultural level of the fete, their thoughts turn to how can they wipe the floor with Darrington? Lynda’s suggestion is that they get a celebrity to open it and be a celebrity judge of the scarecrow competition – well, I suppose it is on a slightly higher intellectual plane than the cowpat roulette. The other members of the committee think that this is a boffo wheeze, but Lynda is dismayed when she gets a message from Jim, saying that he has already lined up a celebrity and she is keen to do it.

I may have poured scorn on the cowpat roulette idea earlier, but if it’s culture and learning that you are looking for, then Jim’s choice of celebrity will have you whooping with glee - yes, he has persuaded some woman academic (“a world-renowned Romance philologist” Jim tells Lynda, proudly) to take on the task. “Don’t they collect stamps?” asks Joy, which again speaks volumes about the intellectual level of the fete. Lynda is distraught and says that she realises that she will have to find a celebrity quickly.

On Thursday, Lynda meets Lilian while they are out walking their dogs and Lynda unburdens herself to her friend – Lynda has contacted all the celebrities she knows and they have all turned her down flat, and there are only two weeks to go. Lilian asks why don’t they try to get the film star who will be opening a new ward (or something similar} at Borsetshire General a bit later on? Lynda seizes on this lifeline and quickly devises a plan to ensnare the celebrity. Lilian soon realises that she has been drafted in as an active participant in this drama and she is far from happy about it. Lynda, however, is implacable and rides roughshod over Lilian’s protests and arguments. It is, Lynda reminds her friend, all for the good of the fete and they have to succeed in order to upstage Darrington.

The plan couldn’t be simpler; the two women will make their way (separately) to the front of the crowd when the celebrity arrives and then Lilian will stage a dramatic fainting fit (and Lynda insists that it has to be a flat-out-on-the-pavement calibre of performance) Lynda will then step forward, administer “some sort of medical procedure” and receive the plaudits of the crowd as Lilian is miraculously revived. Once again, Lilian voices her misgivings, but, again, her objections are brushed aside.

The best-laid plans and all that; we learn later that the scheme was an unmitigated disaster – Lilian fainted spectacularly, but Lynda hadn’t taken into account the fact that Borsetshire General is a hospital and, before Lynda could reach Lilian, the latter was surrounded by swarms of doctors and assorted medics. (Incidentally, what is the collective noun for a group of doctors? A Prescription? A Dose [or Overdose]?)

Whatever, Lilian spent two and a half hours in A&E and she is about as far away from being a happy camper as it is possible to get. Lynda bemoans the failure of her plan – it was going quite well, she thought. Suddenly, Lynda has a lightbulb moment – a chance remark of Lilian’s, about Lynda trying to use her status as an MBE to get through the crowd (presumably she thought that people would think that ‘MBE’ was some medical qualification) – makes her realise that all this talk of celebrity is superfluous; Ambridge already has its own home-grown celebrity – to wit, Lynda Snell MBE. Why didn’t she see it before? No need to look any further; Lynda Snell is on the case! 

It is this mindset that inspired the title of this week’s blog. At this rate, Lynda will have herself proclaimed Queen of Ambridge and, after paying their entrance money, her subjects will have to genuflect at her feet at her fete.

While on the subject of happy campers and also touching on the earlier subject of cow dung (these blogs are not just thrown together, you know, but please bear with me) we have to report that Roy has finally met up with Leyla, his elusive telephone friend, for a meal in London. They are both nervous and, despite spending ages on phone calls, somewhat tongue-tied, but the ice is soon broken.

The waiter brings Leyla her starter, but it’s not what she ordered. Never mind, she says, as it’s quite nice, except for the blue cheese dressing, which she doesn’t like, but she’s happy enough to eat it – she doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Roy tells her that, at Grey Gables, they would rather be told if there had been a mistake, so that they can put it right.

He then proceeds to give her a masterclass in how to complain properly. First of all, you grasp the waiter by the ears and repeatedly bang his head on the table, whilst shouting ‘that’s your tip gone west, you clueless git!’ Sorry about that – I was just recalling the last time that Neil, I and our partners went out for a meal and Neil was served a pie that didn’t have a pastry bottom and only had a puff pastry lid. We’ll never be allowed in that Michelin-starred restaurant again… [A stew with a pastry lid is not a pie, and that is the hill which I’m willing to die on - Neil].

Moving on, Roy’s advice is to speak calmly to the waiter, explain the situation and give the restaurant the chance to make amends. In Leyla’s case, ‘amends’ means a couple of free desserts and she admits that she felt strangely empowered by the way she handled the situation.

The date goes well and Leyla says that she’d like to experience the countryside, and it’s her turn to travel, so why doesn’t she come to Ambridge later in the week for a day or two when her children are away? Roy is all for this, and agrees readily.

So it is that, a few days later, Leyla turns up in Ambridge. She wants to experience the whole back-to-nature thing and she has booked in at the rewilding campsite for a night, having borrowed a tent off a friend. Roy decides that a second date is a bit early for a ‘meet the family’ experience and he asks Phoebe if she could make herself scarce during the day. Neither does he tell Leyla that his daughter is the manager of the rewilding project. Bearing in mind that Leyla is a biology teacher, she seems to have only a sketchy grasp of the names of the flora and fauna of the countryside around her, although she does find it impressive.

She and Roy are getting closer, discussing ways of keeping warm in a tent at night, when they are suddenly interrupted when one of the longhorns pokes its head inside the tent, then proceeds to trample the tent into the ground, all the while showing why it should have been picked as the star of the ‘cowpat roulette’ fete attraction. The tent (which Leyla has borrowed from a friend) will never play the piano again, but Leyla is keen to exercise her new-found ability to keep calm and complain in a civilised manner, so she goes to see Phoebe in the Manager’s office.

Unfortunately for her, Roy returns, but, at the sight of him, dishevelled and covered in cow dung, Phoebe loses it completely and is overcome with hysterical laughter. Leyla finds this incredibly rude and is appalled at Phoebe’s behaviour. Even when Roy introduces Phoebe as his daughter, Leyla is not amused and says she is going back to London. Mind you, she had met Kate by this time, which couldn’t have helped.

Roy is convinced that he is never going to find love, but Kate says why bother? Why not just go out and have a good time – no strings and no commitments? Roy explores some ladies on a website, asking for Kirsty’s advice. All I can say is that these aren’t the kind of girls that you would take home to mother (unless she is very liberal and broad-minded) and it seems a bit out of character for Roy. Having said that, remember it was a one-night stand in a tent at a music festival with Elizabeth that put the skids under his relationship with Hayley (can that really be as long ago as June 2014?)

While on the subject of relationships, Ian tells Helen that he is convinced that Adam is having an affair – he recognises the signs. To check it out, he goes through Adam’s messages and finds out that Adam has arranged to meet someone called Michael at a hotel in a nearby village this lunchtime. Isn’t trust between partners a beautiful thing? 

Ian leaves Xander with Helen and hotfoots it off to said hotel, where he bursts in on Adam and Michael, who are having a drink in the bar, having had a convivial and successful meeting, that culminated in Michael offering Adam the post of Farm Manager. Ian has worked himself up into a frenzy and demands to know how long all this has been going on and why is Adam lying to him all over again?

Ian is in no mood to listen to reason and he stops just short of hitting Michael and/or Adam and keeps on demanding that they tell him the truth. In the end, Adam tells him the whole story of how he ‘borrowed’ money from one of the farm accounts when they were short of money, but he’s paid it all back now. Ian eventually calms down, but by now, Michael is concerned – does Adam mean that he embezzled from Home Farm? When Adam admits that this is what happened, Michael says that, in that case, Adam won’t be surprised to learn that he (Michael) is withdrawing his offer of a job and goodbye to them both. As Michael walks out, Adam asks Ian what on earth possessed him – he’s not just lost Adam a – very good – job but also his reputation. Ian replies that anything that Adam has lost is totally down to Adam and his secretive attitude. That’s as maybe, Ian, but your appearance at the interview and ranting like an insane, cuckolded husband didn’t help much, did it?

Don’t worry readers – Ian and Adam end up declaring their love for each other (and Xander, of course) and resolve to trust each other more and behave better. Well, Adam will certainly have the time to work on the relationship; after all, he hasn’t got a job to go to now…