Times Must Be Hard At Lower Loxley

 

Alison Dowling (Elizabeth Pargetter)

Last week we were given an insight into how tough things must be for the Pargetters; it’s Elizabeth’s birthday (54, but you didn’t hear that from me) and Vince has bought her a beautiful silk scarf. Lily is going into Borchester and Elizabeth reminds her to be back in good time for the birthday tea. The logistics of this are complicated – Freddie will drop Lily off in town and she will get a cab (Rex’s) back. 

I was astonished by this startling revelation that the twins are still sharing one car between them; how tough must things be at Lower Loxley? I automatically assumed that they would both have their own set of wheels by now, but this would appear not to be the case. Anyway, Lily is a bit late back (you could use this as ammunition, Lily, along the lines of ‘of course, if only I had my own car…’). Perhaps dropping a few hints to that nice Mr. Vince Casey might do the trick.

While Rex drives her back, he tells her that he will soon have to get out of Hollowtree and he has nowhere for the pigs to go. Lily has a lightbulb moment and she and Rex make a slight detour so that she can show him a parcel of overgrown woodland in the grounds of Lower Loxley. This makes her late for the birthday tea, plus it makes Elizabeth a bit grumpy, so perhaps this isn’t the best time for Lily to suggest to her mother that they could rent out the land to Rex.

Elizabeth is not keen and immediately voices objections; what if the pigs escape – they could decimate the grapevines in half a day? And what about the smell? (Altogether now; ‘The pigs will soon get used to it’). Lily tells her mother that Rex’s business is in jeopardy, and it’s all down to Uncle David, who is turning him off his land. “And we have the opportunity to give him a break.” Elizabeth replies that it’s very sweet of Lily to be so considerate “but it’s not up to us to pick up the pieces – I’m sorry darling, but the answer is ‘no’.”

This is unfortunate, as Lily has already raised Rex’s hopes by telling him to leave it all to her and to go back and tell the pigs to start packing. Poor Rex! Once again he has had the cup of hope cruelly dashed from his lips. As he told Lily, he cannot afford to buy any land and, as far as his future is concerned, it looks like he will soon be a full-time taxi driver. We wait with bated breath.

Pigs featured strongly last week. Neil runs into Jazzer, who is wandering about, bored out of his skull. Neil says that he is rushed off his feet, as you just cannot seem to get people who want to work with pigs, especially when the weather is cold. It’s a shame, says Neil, as there is a good job going begging at Berrow, and he looks hopefully at Jazzer, who doesn’t rise to the bait. Just then, Neil’s phone rings – some of the pigs delivered that day have escaped (don’t tell Elizabeth, or else Rex will stand no chance of getting the Lower Loxley land.) Jazzer helps Neil round up the errant swine and Neil remarks that he is a natural when it comes to pigs. I think he meant it as a compliment, but you never know with Neil.

Neil takes the opportunity to give Jazzer a guided tour of the facility, and carries on with the not-so-subtle propaganda. He cannot believe that Jazzer could prefer working with fish and hydroponics, rather than pigs, but Jazzer counters by saying that the work is not taxing, fish are not escape artists and the polytunnels are warm. Besides, it gives him somewhere to store his home brew. 

It would appear that seemingly nobody can look at Jazzer without thinking ‘pigs’ – on Thursday he is showing Tracy round the hydroponics set-up at Home Farm (does this boy know how to give a girl a good time, or what?) and she notices that he is a tad despondent. What’s up? she asks, and he replies that it’s all a bit boring and that fish don’t have personalities like pigs. This is in answer to Tracy’s observation that “Pigs, fish; it’s all livestock.” 

Tracy urges him to consider chucking it all in and going for the Berrow job – he’d be doing something that he enjoys and which he’s good at. But what about the Home Brew? he asks. No problem, says Tracy; he can store it in the shed at the cricket pavilion where they store the roller, nobody goes there and, as captain, she has the key. A word of advice, Jazz; I’d get a duplicate made, just in case this relationship goes sour.

Jazzer then reveals a hitherto-unexpected vulnerability when he admits that, when he went (unsuccessfully) for a job at Berrow some time ago, it knocked his confidence back. “This time you’ve got me behind you” Tracy says, adding that, even if he didn’t get the job, she would still believe in him. Jazzer is convinced, and says (not unkindly) “No harm in trying, I suppose – and it will stop you nagging.” 

I will quickly pass over the cameo where Lilian and Justin are going through their memorabilia for things to put in Ben’s Time Capsule. I say ‘they’ but it is really Lilian and she comes across a cigar box with mementoes of his earlier life, including what she describes as “a ping-pong medal” (“table tennis”, he corrects her) and a letter to him from Denis Compton, the England cricketer. Gosh! The excitement!

Let’s deal with the story about Sgt Burns and Alice. She goes to see him and apologises totally for what happened last week (for new readers, she got slaughtered and tried to kiss Harrison, who pushed her away – now read on). She was completely out of order (and also of her skull) and is terrified that Harrison will tell Chris what – or what nearly – happened. Has he told Fallon? No, he replies, but she suspects that something is up and, if push comes to shove, he cannot lie to the person he loves.

Cut to the chase, and he does in fact tell his wife that Alice came on to him, but he repulsed her advances. Laugh? Not exactly; in fact Fallon goes ever so slightly ballistic and cannot understand why he never told her earlier. Wait! There’s more – Harrison tells her that Alice is an alcoholic, and is more to be pitied than condemned. He has a dilemma – should he tell Chris? Fallon is all for it – who knows what Alice might do to herself, or Martha, if she has another relapse?

Eventually, Fallon tells the Carters that she and Harrison no longer want to be Martha’s godparents, and proffers some lame excuse. Chris is nonplussed and wonders if he should go and see Harrison and sort it out? Alice is firm and says no – leave it with her and she’ll talk it over with Fallon. This she does, and Fallon says that she’s heard all the excuses before from Wayne (and what’s happened to him, I hope?). She says that she won’t tell Chris, but she thinks it best if she and Alice kept their distance from now on. 

Exactly how this affects the refreshments for Martha’s christening is not made clear – has Fallon turned the commission down, or will Alice be offered a separate plate of dishes, along the lines of ‘try these hemlock pies, Alice – they’re delicious’ or ‘you might find these canapes taste a little of almonds’?

It all gets too much for Alice and, in the last episode of the week, husband Chris comes home to find her packing a suitcase. What’s up? She says that she can’t be with him any more, because all she’s doing is hurting him. He keeps on at her (perhaps not surprisingly, as your wife is standing there with a packed case and constantly saying how much she loves you, while preparing to walk out and leave her new-born baby behind – I too would be a bit confused). 

In the end, she tells him about making a pass at Harrison and he demands details – was it Harrison’s fault? She tells him no and he mustn’t blame him. She tells Chris to get out of her way and – oh yes – she really loves him. Chris opens the door and says “If you want to leave, then leave.” Alice replies that he must believe that she loves him. “I don’t think I know anything any more” her husband replies, as the theme music plays.

I usually hate leaving on a downbeat note, so let’s return to the Jazzer/Tracy scenario. In what would appear to be the triumph of hope over experience, a dinner has been arranged at Greenacres with Tracy, Jim and Jazzer (I don’t know if Alistair was there). Tracy is worried, having heard about how disastrous the previous exercise (with Jade) proved. 

In order to have some topics of conversation handy, she has been boning up on the Greeks (and not for the first time, if I’m any judge) but moving on… The evening goes swimmingly and Jim says that he was impressed with the conversation. Tracy admits that she was looking for things to talk about, but it wasn’t necessary; “It’s been a lovely evening, thank you Jim” she says, warmly. And what does Jim think? “Let’s open another bottle of wine” is his verdict.

Was This Christening Such A Good Idea, Alice?

 

Hollie Chapman and Wilf Scolding (Alice and Chris Carter)

In last week’s blog, Alice had the bright idea of getting Martha christened. No problem, you’d think - line up some Godparents, get the catering organised and away you go. And if you think that’s all there is to it, you haven’t reckoned with the Aldridges and the Carters. 

A dog-tired Alice talks (or, more accurately, listens) to Susan’s ideas about the occasion; what can Susan do towards the catering? She’d like to know so she can start planning. The short answer is ‘nothing’, as Alice mentions that they will be getting Fallon to do the catering. OK then, has Alice been in touch with Emma about being the second Godmother? I’d like to digress here, as I have no idea who is the first Godmother - no doubt we (or I) will be enlightened soon. Alice says that they have chosen Fallon and Harrison Burns and Susan remarks that Emma is probably expecting a call and I’ll bet that Alice is now regretting the whole christening idea.

And so to the Aldridges. Kate is having a row on the phone with dad Brian, who is still more than somewhat teed off about her plans to move the Spiritual Home yurts into the Rewilding land. Kate complains to Jennifer and, in a sentence which screams ‘selfish, uncomprehending, spoilt little git’, asks her mother “How long will it take for him to get over losing the house - you got over it?”  Yes, I can see how this could be something to be brushed aside as a minor inconvenience. Jennifer replied (no doubt through gritted teeth) “I just got over it.”

Jennifer is looking through recipes and Kate is annoyed that she is not paying attention - surely Fallon is doing the catering? Jennifer says ‘yes’, but adds that Fallon might be a bit busy on the day. Why so? Jennifer reveals that Fallon and Harrison have been chosen as Godparents. Kate is mildly incensed - nobody tells her anything. Mother and daughter then have a stand-up row, with each accusing the other of not listening, and Jennifer suggesting that Kate thinks before opening her mouth - an idea that has been something of a mantra running through this blog for years.

There is a meeting with Jen, Kate and Fallon to finalise menus for the day. Kate is at her most obnoxious, objecting to all suggestions. Jennifer says ‘what about quiche?’ Kate promptly says that Alice hates quiche and suggests that they ring her to find out. There’s no answer (we find out later that Kate is wrong - no surprise there) and, so toxic is the atmosphere, that Fallon walks out, saying that perhaps they can meet tomorrow and settle things. “Are you happy now?” Jennifer asks Kate, acidly, as Fallon leaves.

Later on, Kate is on the phone to Alice and gives her sister a very hard time. Alice defends her decision – no aunts or uncles have been asked to be Godparents; it’s not just Kate – but Kate hangs up in mid-sentence, little charmer that she is.

Meanwhile, Alice makes the mistake of telling Susan that she has to go and see somebody, so Chris will be on his own with Martha later on. Before Alice knows what has happened, Susan has arranged that Chris and Martha can not only come to tea (adding tactlessly that it will do Chris good to have some home cooking) and Martha can stay the night, as Susan doesn’t mind doing night feeds. Be careful Alice; Susan might have some adoption papers handy. Overwhelmed by the torrent of words pouring incessantly from her mother-in-law’s gob, Alice hands Martha over.

Sgt Burns runs into Alice and thanks her for inviting him and Fallon to be Godparents. During their conversation, Alice lets slip that she was drunk the other day and Harrison replies that he’s met lots of people who have fallen off the wagon, and if she ever wants to talk, he’s there for her. Alice says that she wishes that she could talk to Chris the way she can to Harrison.

It turns out that Alice’s appointment is with her alcohol self-help group, and it is an illustration of how effective the group is that Alice rings Sgt Burns from her car, drunk as a lord. Fortunately she has had the sense to pull off the road and he says he will drive out and pick her up, as she’s in no fit state to drive – or even stand up, for that matter. 

Alice doesn’t want to go home – Chris won’t be there. She has, by now, reached the maudlin and self-pitying stage and tells Harrison tearfully that she’s never going to be able to stop drinking. Harrison tries to encourage her to keep trying, but she screams that she doesn’t want to be sober – drinking is the only thing that makes her feel normal. She’s a failure; she was going to join the RAF and design planes, but now she’s lost all that. 

Harrison tells her that she’s still got her family and Martha, but Alice reckons that Martha will be taken away from her and that Chris and Martha would be better off without her, but Harrison counters this by saying that she’s got so many people that care about her – he cares about her. “You just have to keep trying, OK?” he says, and moves to help her put on her seatbelt. Misunderstanding his motives, Alice tries to give him a big kiss, but he brushes her off in horror, telling her to stop. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he asks, angrily.

At the start of the week, we see Jazzer taking Tracy out for a spin in Jim’s Riley, visiting a stately home. “Is this the sort of place you took Jade to?” she asks. What do you reckon Tracy? Jazzer leads her to a seat on a hill, overlooking a grassy lawn. “This should give us a good view” he mutters, cryptically. “Of what?” Tracy asks, baffled. In answer, Jazzer hands her a flyer that he removed from a notice board earlier – it advertises a Civil war re-enactment, but, as Tracy points out, sadly the date is 2019, which accounts for the fact that there’s nobody else around. A crestfallen Jazzer confesses that he was just trying to impress her and he apologises. If you want to impress her, Jazzer, then learning to read might be a good start.

While they are hanging around, Tracy’s phone rings – it’s Susan, with a query about their father’s medicine. Tracy lets slip that she’s out. “Who with?” her sister asks, at the speed of light. “A girlfriend” Tracy answers, leaving Jazzer feeling a bit put out.

A couple of days later, Tracy calls on Jazzer to say ‘sorry’ but she wanted to tell her kids first, before the news that they were an item leaked out. How did the kids react? Tracy says that Chelsea still loves him to death because he gave her Jade’s spurned present from Jim and Brad was hopeful of getting some home brew – an idea that Tracy immediately nipped in the bud.

However, she did say that she would go and tell Susan the news. Susan is still a tad upset that Emma hasn’t been chosen as a Godparent. Who will Chris and Alice choose? “What about Jazzer?” Tracy asks, adding that it was he who delivered the baby. Susan cannot believe she is serious. “He’s bone idle” she says scornfully, digging herself into a hole. “He’s got two jobs” Tracy protests, but Susan gets in even deeper when she says “He’s hardly Godparent material, is he?” What, unlike Emma, who slept with her fiancé’s brother on the eve of their wedding and later ran off with him, you mean?

Tracy then casually mentions that she and Jazzer are going out and Susan is gobsmacked. Tracy describes him as “a really nice bloke, if you give him half a chance.” She adds, meaningfully; “People round here are so quick to judge.” She then compares Jazzer with Neil, but Susan protests; there’s no comparison. “They both like pigs” Tracy says, simply.

It wasn’t a good day for Susan as, while in the shop with Jim, she waxes lyrical about how sad it is that Neil is quitting the Parish Council – there will be no Carter legacy to mark his years of service.  But then again, perhaps she could work a suitable tribute into her manifesto when she stands for election.

Jim is puzzled and tells her that, as Parish Clerk, he hasn’t received her application and the final deadline was a week ago. Surely he could slip it in, she suggests. No way! Jim tells her that everything has to be done above board and by the rule book. Well, there’s one thing that Jim doesn’t know – and Susan tells him about Tracy and Jazzer. Jim laughs – not only has he suspected it for some time (Tracy’s scent lingered when she stayed the night and also in the Riley) but it enabled him to win £10 in a bet with Alistair. A note of caution here – as a reformed gambling addict, should Alistair really be betting? After all, it could be a slippery slope - just look at Alice and her ‘just one drink’ scenario.

Let us end on a somewhat boring story – touching, possibly, but certainly boring – when Helen takes Lee to Bridge Farm and Lee starts questioning Tony about his model railway. Tony complains that you just cannot get OO scale Aberdeen Angus models (see, I told you it was boring), but with just a dab of black paint, he can disguise his Friesians as Anguses. Triumph!

Tony was inspired to create the train layout when he found (and repaired) a model of the Flying Scotsman that belonged to his late son John. Somehow it makes him feel closer to John.

Lee is genuinely impressed by the work that Tony has put into his layout and asks if he can have a go. It would have been interesting if he had taken a leaf out of Gomez Addam’s book and deliberately run two trains into each other. What do you mean, you don’t remember the Addam’s Family?

However, Lee is not going to be outbored by a wrinkly with toy trains and he counters with excruciating details about his collection of super-hero figures and tedious facts about the Marvel universe. For instance, did you know that, originally, The Hulk was grey in colour and only ended up green because of a mix-up at the printer’s? Be still, my beating heart – I wonder if Helen realises what she has let herself in for?

You Can Choose Your Friends, But…

The second half of the saying that makes up this week’s title is ‘you can’t choose your relatives’, which is why we should commiserate with George Grundy. It’s George’s 16^th birthday and Will, Emma and Chris (and baby Martha) are gathered together to help him celebrate. George, however, isn’t there and he sends Will and Emma a text saying that he’s trying to sort out a summer holiday with his mates.

As the three adults await his return, they reminisce about when they were George’s age. Apparently Emma was the worst-behaved of the trio, but they were all scallywags to varying extents. In a moment of honest self-awareness, Will says “I were a cocky little git.” Ignoring the bad grammar, why the past tense we ask ourselves? The reason we should commiserate with George is that Will remarks that George reminds him very much of granddad Joe. Poor little sod! Does that mean that he is doomed forever to keep coming up with scams that never work properly, leaving him with egg on his face?

One plan that does seem doomed to failure is the aforementioned summer holiday with mates. George has asked for money instead of birthday presents – and now his mum and dad know why. Sadly for George, the memories of how they used to behave at his age mean that there’s no way that they will let him go away on his own. Nice try George, close, but no cigar – still, being a male Grundy means that he ought to quickly get used to failure.

One person who was supposed to be at George’s party (apart from George) was Alice, but she stayed at home to do some urgent vacuuming. Chris is getting concerned that she hasn’t turned up, so he goes home to fetch her, where he finds that the reason she hadn’t made the party is easily explained by the empty bottle of Rioja by the side of her sleeping body. Earlier in the day, Brian had turned up to take his new granddaughter out to see the farm (he didn’t actually say ‘and one day part of all this will be yours my girl’ but it was a close-run thing) and he returned to Alice’s bearing gifts of plain chocolate and a bottle of wine.

Alice explains to Chris that she thought one drink wouldn’t hurt, but before she knew it, she had chugged down the entire bottle. Chris is not impressed and refuses to let Alice breastfeed their daughter, preferring to go on a trek to buy some formula milk. The fact that there are so many different kinds was no problem – Chris purchased one of every sort. Alice complains that if she cannot feed Martha, it’s very painful. Chris’s caring response is to snarl “Get away from us.”

The next morning, Martha is crying and Alice says that she’s crying for her mother. In fact, she was crying half the night – Alice says it was because Chris wouldn’t let her feed her daughter. “What? Can you blame me?” Chris retorts. Alice swears that she loves Chris and Martha – she’d die for them. “But you won’t stop drinking for us” Chris tells her. Alice does promise that she will never drink again – she knows that one drink will never be enough. However, she’s had an idea – why don’t they get Martha christened? Chris points out that they are not religious, but Alice says that doesn’t matter; Martha is worth celebrating and Alice will make everything all right from now on – he’s got to believe her. I’d be careful Chris; I reckon it’s just a ploy to get at some Communion wine.

Alice wasn’t the only one of Brian’s daughters causing trouble last week, as Kate managed to stick her oar in as well. Kate buttonholed daughter Phoebe and bent her ear about Kate’s plans for the rewilding land. These plans included tree houses (to which Phoebe had already said no) and erecting some yurts on the land to generate income. Not just any old yurts, but Kate’s plan is to relocate the yurts from Spiritual Home.

When Phoebe mentions this to granddad Brian, he goes ballistic “What the hell is she up to?” he yells, then goes off on one, saying that the reason that the Aldridges lost their home was because of Kate’s intransigence and her refusal to move Spiritual Home. Not only did they lose their home, but her attitude threatened the whole Farm Partnership – he cannot believe it. Phoebe says not to worry, it won’t come to anything, she promises. Lucky for Kate that she isn’t present, as Brian is still shaking with anger. “Well, it better not,” he rants, and tells Phoebe to tell Kate to keep her nose out of Rewilding. “It’s your project and nothing to do with her!” Brian fumes.

Monday was Jade’s birthday, and Jazzer presented her with a biker’s jacket as her present. She was over the moon, but considerably less delighted with Jim’s present, which was a hamper of quite expensive toiletries. She immediately starts moaning about Jim, saying that he seems to be suggesting that she smells. She’s fed up hearing his name and adds that she finds it a bit creepy that Jazzer is renting a room from someone who is seemingly trying to control him.

To his credit, Jazzer defends Jim and he and Jade start arguing and shouting. Eventually, Jazzer says that he’s had enough – he’s dumping Jade. “What? On my birthday?” she says, amazed. Yes “And by the way, that trick of yours with the pasta was disgusting” the Scotsman adds, as a parting shot. Cheer up Jade; at least you’ve got a biker’s jacket out of it.

Jazzer finds himself at a bit of a loss and he tells Jim that he has dumped Jade and he thinks he should be looking for someone nearer his own age. He eventually confesses that he has someone in mind and he cannot stop thinking about her, in a romantic sense. Jim suggests that Jazzer should tell the lady in question and Jazzer says “But what if she turns me down?” “It might be a cliché,” Jim replies, “but ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’, or if you prefer, ‘who dares, wins’.”

So it is that Jazzer goes round to see Tracy and he gives her the hamper of smellies, saying that Jade wasn’t impressed, so Tracy and Chelsea can share them. He goes further, saying that he likes Tracy and, oh yes, he’s dumped Jade. Tracy is offended, saying that she won’t be wooed on the rebound and shuts the door on him.

Undaunted, Jazzer tries to summon up the right words to say and eventually knocks on Tracy’s door once more. “What do you want?” she asks, belligerently, but this time Jazzer is ready. “Tracy Horrobin,” he begins, “you are the most awkward, loud-mouthed, infuriating [Tracy gasps] hard working, most generous, kindest, warmest, sweetest, funniest woman I know. You’re not bad in the sack, either” he adds as an afterthought, saying that he has a lot of feelings for her. Tracy replies that he’s not too bad in that department either, but adds that she has responsibilities and needs ‘a proper man’. She also asks if he is proposing to her – if so, he’ll have to ask her father for her hand, and she calls out “Dad!” Jazzer is alarmed, but Tracy collapses in mirth – her Dad has gone out. “Is it worth a try?” Jazzer asks. “I’ve had worse” Tracy answers, and asks him inside. And they said that romance was dead! I wish them both well.

If Jazzer is feeling at a loss, that’s nothing to how low Kirsty is feeling. She phones Helen from Grey Gables, where she has returned to work, and admits that she’s feeling unhappy – there are very few guests. “It’s like a hotel for ghosts” Kirsty tells her best friend. Kirsty asks if she can drop round later to see Helen. “Yes – we can open a bottle” Helen replies. Just don’t invite Alice is my advice!

So it is that Kirsty turns up after work at the dairy, ostensibly to return Pat and Tony’s wedding present - a rather upmarket slow cooker, apparently – and Kirsty explains that she doesn’t want to keep anything that reminds her of Philip. Jennifer Aniston got rid of all her wedding presents when she and Brad Pitt split up, Kirsty explains, adding the comment that Phil is no Brad Pitt. It could be argued that she is no Jennifer Aniston either, but that would be unkind, as she is obviously suffering and in a bit of a wretched state.

Kirsty is definitely down and looks back on her time in Ambridge. When she arrived 20 years ago, she was a student, then she fell in love with Tom and thought that, in two decades’ time, she would have children and she and Tom would own a farm. As it is, nothing has worked out for her as she anticipated – she’s single, to all intents and purposes, and in a dead-end job. You forgot to mention that your other half has just been sent down for eight years, Kirsty, but I don’t want to depress you further.

Helen wants to support her friend and reminds her that she (Helen) has had great experience in coming back from the brink of disaster. The key, Helen adds, was the success of her own business, which made her happy and also restored her self-confidence. Why doesn’t Kirsty go freelance as a Conservation Consultant? After all, she is passionate about all things green.

Kirsty replies that she is a bit too old to retrain (she’ll be 40 next month), but Helen isn’t having any of this sort of defeatist talk and says Kirsty is talking nonsense: “Your best years are yet to come – and you’d better start believing it!” I have an idea – why doesn’t Kirsty hook up with Phoebe and Rex and get involved in the Rewilding project? At the very least, she could sit on Kate and keep her quiet (please).

Finally, we learn from Kirsty that, according to Lynda, the Darrington Mystery Play performance was a total disaster. “Lynda was thrilled” Kirsty tells Helen. Perhaps somebody should take Mrs Snell OBE to one side and tell her quietly that gloating and schadenfreude are not particularly admirable character traits, while humility and modesty have much to recommend them.

Never Mind Ambridge – Five Million Listeners Are Having A Party!

Sylvestra Le Touzel (Evangeline Lowminster)

Some of our readers might have thought that I have been a bit hard on the scriptwriters, moaning about the amount of air time devoted to Lynda and her damn Mystery Plays. Well, I take it all back and apologise sincerely to the writing team. I would also like it to be known that I have a new favourite Borsetshire character, so step forward and take a bow Evangeline Lowminster.

For those who may not be aware, Evangeline is the producer of the rival Easter show being staged by the village of Darrington and, by all accounts, she makes Attila the Hun look like Mother Teresa. Eddie Grundy, who has defected to Darrington, complains that, if cast members are late, or not word perfect, Evangeline punishes them with forfeits such as washing up all the coffee mugs (and this is only when the cat o’ nine tails is in the wash, apparently). So bad is she, confesses Eddie to Kirsty, that he would rather be directed by Lynda Snell – she’s a pussycat compared to the monster that is Evangeline.

Kirsty is concerned; the Ambridge production is still two characters light – Eddie was cast as a shepherd before he went over to the Dark Side, plus they don’t yet have a God, so she makes it her mission to broker a peace between Eddie and Lynda. Easier said than done, but she does manage to get the pair sat down face to face and tries to seek out some common ground as a starting point for negotiations. What would Eddie like? Well, give Clarrie her part back for a start. “Impossible – Susan has worked hard and has made the part her own” she sniffs.

Good start! Kirsty asks if there are no parts available (and why not a female God – this is supposed to be a gender-neutral production, after all?) is there a backstage role available? Eventually Lynda comes up with the post of Head of Wardrobe and Kirsty asks Eddie if this is acceptable? He says ‘yes’, as long as Lynda apologises to Clarrie face to face. She counters with saying that, if so, Eddie has to spill the beans about the Darrington production (he hinted that there is something important that the Ambridge players don’t know about the Darrington show). Eddie acquiesces (never let it be said that this blog has no class – I could have said ‘concurs’ or even ‘agrees’ or ‘says yes’) and the pair (metaphorically) shake hands. It is now that Eddie drops his bombshell; Darrington are also doing Mystery Plays (we all knew that) but it turns out that they are using the same version of the script as Ambridge. Lynda is incensed; “I cannot allow it; the Darrington production must not go ahead. I’m going to stop it – they will rue the day that they took on Lynda Snell!” she crows, triumphantly.

The very next day Lynda confronts Evangeline, saying that she has learned that both of them are using the same script for their productions. Lynda is at her condescending best and says that, as Evangeline is less experienced in this sort of enterprise, she probably doesn’t realise that the director needs to obtain the author’s permission to use the script before a public performance. Evangeline concedes that Lynda may have a point, and asks her if she (Lynda) has paid a fee to the author’s agent? 

Evangeline then suggests that no such fee has been paid, and Lynda rises up in righteous indignation, only to be cut short by Evangeline saying “Colin Whitstable” (the play’s author) “is my nom de plume, and, Lynda, they’ll be playing netball on Neptune before you secure the rights to my script.” What a wonderful moment! Game, set and match to Darrington, methinks. Realising that she hasn’t a leg to stand on, Lynda decides to cancel the Ambridge production, citing the fact that the two productions are so close together. Privately, she tells Kirsty that Whitstable’s script is not that good and that Lynda could write a better one. This mystifies Kirsty, as Lynda has been banging on about how good the script is and praising the author to the heavens. We learn that the general reaction round Ambridge to this news is one of relief – and not just in Ambridge, as conveyed by the title of this week’s blog. Well done writers!

We’ve spent a fair amount of time on this one subject, but I hope that you, like me, think it was worth it. So what else has happened? Ben shows Jill the redecorated caravan/love nest and she says that a few cushions would enhance its appearance, so she gives him some. Ben is agog with anticipation, as he and Evie intend to ‘christen’ the caravan love nest that evening. There is a brief cameo when Ruairi tells him that it is his turn to have the love nest tonight, but he is just winding Ben up.

So, how did it go, Ruairi asks next day? Not as planned is the answer – Ben and Evie approached the caravan, occasionally tripping over Ben’s tongue (“Evie looked so hot” he tells his friend), only to find the lights on and Jill and Leonard snuggled up together on the cushions, with some of Jazzer’s home brew. Apparently, they offered to leave, but Evie was so embarrassed that she went home. Tough luck Ben.

The search for a new Chair for the Parish Council rumbles on. Emma thinks Jill would be a great choice and Ben says that he will try to persuade her and she’ll do anything for her grandson (this was before the caravan incident). In fact, he is driving her to tonight’s PC meeting, so the timing couldn’t be more favourable. As it turns out, Jill is dead set against the idea, so Ben’s efforts are in vain.

At the meeting, tempers are heated and, as we learn later when Jim speaks to Emma, Richard Thwaite storms out in a huff and Audrey is voted in as interim Chair. Jim regards this as a disaster and tells Emma that Audrey will be an awful Chair and he suspects that the whole exercise is just a ploy and it is part of Hilary Noakes’s master plan to take over as Chair when Audrey’s interim tenure expires. Apart from the fact that this sounds a bit too Machiavellian for the cockatoo-loving, but silent Hilary, I have a question, which is ‘Who the hell is Audrey?’ Have I missed something, or have the writers slipped in a previously-unknown character? Anyway, one person who found the meeting, and the discussions therein, vastly entertaining was Ben (he sat through it so that he could take Jill back home) who regretted that he never filmed it, as “it would probably have gone viral”.

Chris and Alice are still getting to grips with baby Martha. Alice never seems to get a moment on her own, as Chris is always hanging around like a bad smell. One day, he has to work late, so he rings up Sgt Burns to see if Fallon can go and sit with Alice. Harrison says that Fallon is tied up all day, but he is willing to go and see Alice – it will give him a chance to have a look at the new baby.

Fallon is perplexed when he turns up – in answer to her question he says he was just passing, but she points out that they live at the end of the lane and there’s nowhere else to go to. She starts to get annoyed, saying that it’s obvious that Chris doesn’t trust her and now she’s got the police keeping an eye on her. Harrison protests that he is just there as a friend and that Chris is concerned about Alice and he adores her. He adds that he has told nobody about Alice’s alcoholism – not even Fallon – and reminds her that he is there for her and Chris. Alice calms down and thanks him for being their friend.

Things get a bit better on Friday, when Emma persuades Alice to join her on a shopping trip. At first, Alice is uneasy and suggests that they return home, but Emma points out that they have only been out for half an hour and Chris is at home with Martha. Chris obviously knows his wife well, as he leaves a message on Alice’s phone; Martha is sleeping and he sends her a photo. Alice relaxes a little and thanks Emma for getting her out of the cottage.

Emma suggests that the girls celebrate by booking themselves a manicure – there’s a salon just over the way and they go in and arrange an appointment for when lockdown is over. It is indicative of how things have changed in Ambridge since Philip Moss was exposed as a slave-master that, upon leaving the salon, Emma becomes uneasy – the girls working in the nail bar looked nervous and the prices seemed worryingly low; could this be another incidence of slave labour? Emma tells Alice that she will ring the slavery hotline and pass on her suspicions; something that would never even have occurred to her before the Moss era.

Friday was a momentous day in the life of Kirsty Moss (nee Miller) as it was the day that Philip and Gavin Moss face sentencing for the crime of employing slave labour, to which they have both pleaded guilty. Sergeant Burns is in court and he has promised to ring Kirsty and let her know what’s happening. The trouble is that Kirsty’s friends are ringing her to offer messages of comfort (Helen, Harrison and Jill) and, every time the phone rings, she jumps.

She’s at Roy’s and each call is shredding her nerves. Roy offers to drive her to the court, but she says that she doesn’t want to see her husband. She is in a terrible state – what happens if the Judge falls for Philip’s lies, like she did; he’s such a plausible liar? What if he gets off with Community Service and returns to Ambridge? Roy points out, reasonably enough, that both Philip and Gavin have pleaded guilty, and so the Judge can hardly let them go, can she?

To distract Kirsty, Roy reveals that he has met someone online, and is hopeful that it might lead to something. She’s a Science Teacher from South London (how convenient is that – not) with two teenage sons. Kirsty wishes him all the best. Just then her phone rings and it is Sergeant Burns – Philip got eight years in jail and Gavin five. Kirsty feels sorry for Gavin, but Harrison says he knew exactly what he was doing. Apparently Philip was unrepentant and gave the Judge a mouthful. As Kirsty puts the phone down, Roy tells her that she is “amazing.” She’s certainly relieved.

Finally, the clocks have gone forward and the weather is getting warmer, so the cricket season cannot be far away. As team captain, Tracy is apprehensive – she fears that time spent in lockdown has meant that her players have been unable to train and have become unfit and flabby. In order to remedy this, she proposes to reinstate her training Vlogs and it appears that she has taken a leaf out of the Evangeline Lowminster man-management book, as we hear her filming herself talking to her team. “We’ll start off with 100 Jumping Jacks” she growls. I cannot help thinking that there are going to be several Ambridge cricketers secretly hoping that the country has to go through another period of lockdown – if Tracy continues like this, people will start having heart attacks.