Leave It To The Professionals, Kirsty

Annabelle Dowler (Kirsty Miller)

Kirsty is a girl on a mission – she has made it her business to find out what has happened to the three lads that Philip and Gavin employed and then sold on to another gangmaster. In order to do this, she is to be found roaming the streets, showing down-and-outs a photograph of the three lads in question and asking if anyone knows where they are now. In vain do her friends (Lee and Helen) try to persuade her that this is not the cleverest thing she has ever done – indeed, it is potentially very dangerous.

Kirsty cannot see this and tries to persuade them to aid her in her search, saying that her life is now focused on putting things right with the lads. Helen asks her if she has spoken to Oliver about getting her job back, or what she is going to do about the house, but Kirsty cannot be bothered with what she considers irrelevancies and vows to continue her mission.

You have to ask yourself why is she bothering? I don’t mean why is she concerned about the lads’ welfare, but why is she the person doing it? After all, the police are trying to track down their whereabouts and I submit that their resources are far greater than an old photograph – and one in which the lads only feature as figures in the background at that. We also learn later that Gavin has turned himself in and is singing like a canary, in which case, having met Victoria, the new gangmaster, he should be able to provide the police with a wealth of information, from her address to her telephone number and possibly even her shoe size, if required. Just let it go and leave it to the professionals, Kirsty, before your battered body is found outside the gasworks.

We know that things are preying on Kirsty’s mind, when Shula happened to mention to Alistair that she had a narrow escape when out riding, as a car came speeding towards her and it was Kirsty at the wheel, seemingly oblivious to what was going on around her. 

Elsewhere, over at Brookfield, the Archers are devastated by a nasty review online, suggesting that they knew about Philip’s use of slave labour when they had their barn refurbished and that it was modernised using cheap, illegal labour. It is evident from the wealth of detail in the review that the writer had extensive knowledge of the work carried out, as there are descriptions of the finished building, even down to the type of tiles used. The review was quickly taken down, but not quickly enough, as Rooooth takes a call from a customer who has booked a reception, wanting to cancel a future booking, as he feels that the reputation of the barn is now tainted and he feels uncomfortable.

Discussing the matter with Pip, David wonders out loud whether Toby was involved, but Pip scotches this idea. However, it gets her thinking and she realises that the author could well be Rex, smarting at being evicted from Hollowtree. David goes to see Rex, who admits that he is the culprit. He adds that he regretted his action almost immediately and took down the review. Sadly, it had already been read and widely distributed online. Rex mentions to David that the Archers seemed quite chilled about the slave labour and David is appalled that Rex could even think that he and Rooooth knew that something was amiss – Rooooth cannot sleep at night for worrying about it, David says.

Having got Rex to own up to the review, David then says that perhaps he and Rooooth were partly to blame for the way things worked out – maybe if they had taken time to talk to the workmen, or to question how the job was being done so cheaply, they might have suspected that something was wrong. Now, call me an unreconstructed old cynic if you like, but how many people, when getting a quote for a job, are likely to say ‘that seems suspiciously cheap to me’? I put it to you that they are more likely to grab the person’s hand off before he comes to his senses – I mean, it’s not as if Philip and Gavin had their workmen in chains, or working 24/7, or brought on to the site in a van with bars on the windows, is it?

If David is in a forgiving mood, the same cannot be said about Pip, who is all for dragging Rex behind a tractor until his skin is flayed off. She is unhappy too about the effect of these recent events on the Rewilding project, telling her father that Phoebe keeps making unilateral, executive decisions and then expects Pip to back her up. Things are not helped when Brian (who has taken over responsibility for Rewilding from Justin while Borsetshire Land investigates how much Justin knew about Philip Moss’s operations) keeps telling Pip what a good job Phoebe is doing. And don’t get Pip started on Rex’s involvement in Ambridge Rewilding…

While we are on the subject of Rewilding, am I alone in thinking that nothing much seems to be happening about it? I suppose it could be argued that, if you just leave the land alone and do not actually do anything to it, then rewilding will occur spontaneously, given enough time. This has given me an idea – instead of carrying out such chores as weeding, cutting the grass and so on, I shall adopt a policy of masterful inactivity and, should anybody utter words of criticism, such as ‘your garden is a bit of a mess’, I will fix them with a steely glare and say firmly ‘Actually, it’s a rewilding project – I got the idea from the Archers; as you can see, it’s a work in progress’.

The Vince Casey/Elizabeth Pargetter story continues to trundle along. At Lower Loxley, Russ is feeling a bit vulnerable, as the attendance figures for his latest exhibition were – how can we put this? – they were abominable. He has an idea to have a solo exhibition from someone who he describes as an up-and-coming young artist, who is bringing some of his work in this afternoon and would Elizabeth like to come and have a look? She isn’t keen, but agrees to give him half an hour at 3pm.

The best-laid plans and all that – Vince turns up with a carful of booze; it’s wine for his daughter Stephanie’s wedding and he would appreciate the views of an expert (ie Elizabeth). Her immediate reaction is that it’s not a patch on Lower Loxley’s own label and Vince challenges her to put her money where her mouth is in a blind tasting. Having already told Vince that the accepted thing is to spit the wine out, Elizabeth (and Vince) proceed to ignore this advice and are soon very well refreshed and giggling. Consequently, when they go to see the artist, they are very late and very loud.

To make matters worse, the artist works in textiles (“a bit of a knit, really” quips Vince after the artist has left). Russ says he has never been so embarrassed in his life and reverts to lecturer mode as he tells the pair off. Vince cuts him short by saying that he really liked one of the pieces – a sparrowhawk – and urges Russ to go after the man and buy it, and he is off like a shot. “Sparrowhawk - a ruthless hunter; like you?” Elizabeth comments. “A ruthless ex-hunter” Vince corrects her, adding “I might have found what I’m looking for – I’m talking about the wine, of course.” There is a pause, then Elizabeth adds “Hmm – me too.”

The following day, Russ is trying to get Vince to cough up some sponsorship money for the Gallery and Vince shows an unexpected knowledge of contemporary art, telling Russ that it was the one subject that he was any good at in school. He also gives Russ some advice and tells him that he shouldn’t give a stuff what people think about him; he’s got a good job and a lovely girlfriend.

Let us return to Philip Moss. He phones Shula and begs her not to hang up – he’s ringing from prison, where he has been remanded in custody. He says he is at the end of his tether and he is being fitted up; he’s not sure that he can survive this and he begs her to come and see him. A couple of days later, she does exactly that, and he says he has so much to tell her, and how good it is to see a friendly face. He asks her about other people in the village, but Shula replies that she is not there to talk about anyone else, but to discuss Philip’s spiritual needs. Has he asked God for forgiveness?

Philip seems genuinely puzzled – he doesn’t need forgiveness, as he has done nothing wrong. So how did he plead in court? “Not guilty, of course” he answers. Shula is amazed that he thinks he is completely innocent and, when he asks after Kirsty, she reminds him again that she is not there to discuss other people. He asks how Shula is, and she answers that she is not there to talk about herself, either.

Philip is becoming more and more agitated and tells Shula about Jim and how he turned on Philip after offering him tea. Shula says yet again that she will not discuss anybody else and that she is not there as Philip’s friend. Philip reminds Shula how he was there for her as a friend when her marriage broke down and he insists again that he has done nothing wrong. “I did right by the lads” he tells her.

Shula is getting angry by this time and cannot believe that Philip wants her to believe that he is some kind of philanthropist. “I haven’t heard one word of contrition or apology while I’ve been here” she says, and tells him that she won’t be coming back. “I don’t want you to,” he replies, adding; “I feel sorry for anyone who asks you for help – what sort of priest is a bad-tempered old cow like you going to be?” Well, that’s you told, Shula.

Sergeant Burns Gets Heavy

John Rowe (Jim Lloyd)

Sergeant Burns stops Brian as he drives through the village and asks him if he knew that he was speeding? Brian is very much the ‘hale fellow well met’ and says good Lord, was he really? “How fast was I going Harrison?” he asks. The answer is 37mph in a 30mph limit, and Sgt Burns is icily formal, calling Brian ‘Sir’ all the time and asking him for his name and address. Brian is still trying to be all matey with Harrison (who refers to Brian as ‘Mr Aldridge’ and says that he will have to report the speeding offence, as Brian was going too fast to escape with just a warning).

You can imagine what this news does for Brian’s temper and he is fuming as he calls into the shop, where Jim is behind the counter, serving Kirsty, who is in urgent need of a packet of biscuits. “Ah! One half of the gruesome twosome” Brian says, and adds nastily “come in to put an advert in for more slave labour, have you?” Jim is indignant, telling Brian that Kirsty knew nothing about Philip’s shady dealings, but Brian is in full flow, telling Jim that Kirsty was in the vanguard when it came to protesting about the poisoning of the Am.

Kirsty leaves the shop and Jim takes him to task – can he not see how upset Kirsty was? Brian is unrepentant and says he was more than a tad upset when he lost his home; “it broke Jenny’s heart and that woman revelled in it, so forgive me if I don’t feel much sympathy for her now, Jim” he snarls.

Come on Brian – it’s not Kirsty’s fault that you were driving too fast, is it? And be honest – you did poison the river, didn’t you? We learn later, when Harrison is talking to Fallon, that Sgt. Burns is having a moment of self-doubt and wondering if perhaps the inhabitants of Ambridge regard him as a soft touch? Furthermore, he is beating himself up because he spoke to Philip after the Grey Gables explosion and never suspected that anything was wrong. Fallon protests that other officers interviewed Philip and they never noticed anything amiss. Besides, Harrison was talking to Philip as a witness, not a suspect. This cuts little ice with Harrison, who tells his wife that he’s not going to cut the villagers any slack from now on.

Meanwhile, Kirsty is telling Helen about her experience with Brian, and Helen is outraged, saying that she’s got a good mind to go round and give him a piece of her mind. Kirsty is also beating herself up because she never spoke to the three slaves and they are the only real victims in all this and, if she’s going to live with herself, she’s got to do something to put that right.

Over at Hollowtree, Rex is feeling extremely bitter, especially when Josh asks him for help in fixing the roof. Rex accuses the Archers as not owning up to their mistakes – not only do they not care that Rex is being turned out of Hollowtree, as are the pigs, but he notices that they have had their barn tarted up, and don’t seem to care that it was done with slave labour. Josh starts to protest, but Rex says that he has to go to view the council farm that he is hoping to take on.

He is joined by brother Toby, but Rex is still upset about the Archers’ attitude. Neil, Rex tells Toby, is in bits about using Philip and slave labour to carry out work for Berrow Farm and for repairing the children’s playground, but the Archers do not seem to care. Toby urges Rex to lighten up a bit and look forward, rather than back. “This place could be our future” Toby tells his brother. There is an ominous pause, then Rex says “Our future?” to which Toby says obviously, they will have to take it on together, as it’s too large a project for Rex to take on single-handed. “And exactly what would you bring to the table?” Rex asks. “I’m the ideas man” Toby replies, to which his brother’s response is an unbelieving snort. 

Rex is in a really bad place, mentally, and Toby notices that Rex is about to post a vicious text, bad-mouthing the Brookfield Archers. Toby says that his brother has lost it big time, and he cannot send such a message. But Rex sends it anyway. A bit later on, Josh arrives at Hollowtree, carrying a few beers. He tells Rex that he wants to apologise (for what?) and to sort some things out. Josh says that David, Rooooth, Pip and himself all feel bad about the slave labour situation and they are “devastated”. “They are good people” Josh tells Rex, who eventually agrees, presumably regretting his recent post.

There were developments in the Tracy & Jazzer story, when the pair have a blazing row about Jazzer’s motorcycle blocking in Tracy’s car. He calls her ‘loud’ and she retorts that Jazzer’s motorbike makes far more noise than does she. The argument is becoming heated, but we learn later that it was all staged to end any rumours that might be spreading about the pair’s suspected developing relationship. They meet up at Jazzer’s later in the evening (around 10pm) and congratulate themselves on the success of their ruse. Why did Tracy come round? She explains that she wanted to put the record straight about Roman – far from running out on her, he wanted her and the children to go with him to the Maldives. Jazzer invites her in and they agree that they need to sort out the situation. They also agree that they are not each other’s type and the conversation ends, as is often the case between them, in a quarrel.

Given the above, it is therefore surprising that Tracy wakes up in Jazzer’s bed on Wednesday. It is Jazzer’s day off and Jim shouts out to him does he want breakfast? Jazzer whispers to Tracy not to worry, as Jim always goes for an early morning constitutional. But not today – the weather is foul and Jim says he’ll give it a miss. Jazzer starts to panic at this and tries, not very subtly, to get Jim to go to the shop for some maple syrup, but Jim says didn’t Jazzer hear what he said about the weather?

Shortly after this, Jim changes his mind and says that it looks like it is clearing up and he will go out after all. When he returns home, Jim asks Jazzer “who was the woman?” He adds that it took him a while to cotton on to the fact that Jazzer wanted him out of the way, but when he did, he took the hint. Jazzer replies that it was nothing serious and he will not see her again, and Jim observes that Jazzer looks dejected. He also says that it is one thing to abandon social distancing for love, but quite another to do it for a one-night stand and he is disappointed in his lodger. Jazzer, who certainly sounds dejected, says that the woman isn’t the one for him and he’s perfectly sure about that. “Hm – methinks the lady doth protest too much” Jim remarks, leaving Jazzer to wonder what the hell he’s talking about.

We learn later from Tracy that she actually climbed out of Jazzer’s window (lucky it’s only a single-storey extension) and she seems to have quite enjoyed the experience. We know from her and Jazzer’s early morning conversation that she needed to get home in order to give her kids their breakfast and get them off to school, as well as serving breakfast to her dad and idiot brother Gary, which begs the question how come nobody noticed that she was not at home all night? I suppose we should just thank God that Susan never twigged that her sister went awol – can you imagine the reaction?

The fallout from the use of slave labour by Philip and Gavin continues – Neil is a nervous wreck and he phones Brian to say that he cannot sleep. Even worse, he had a call from one of the processors; they are sending an auditor to Berrow Farm shortly, so what should Neil do? Brian’s advice is that he should pull himself together; he’s done nothing wrong – it was Justin who did all the negotiating with Philip. But Neil is not reassured – what about the refurbishment of the playground; Neil signed that off as Chair of the Parish Council? Brian points out that Phil & Co. carried out the refurbishment for practically nothing and no-one in their right mind would turn down an offer like that. Once more Brian tells Neil to pull himself together and, when he goes in to see the auditor, put on a smile for God’s sake.

On Thursday, Kirsty reveals that she wants to volunteer at the Elms homeless shelter; she thinks that she might run into Philip’s lads. Helen, to whom Kirsty is telling this, thinks it is a bit early for Kirsty to take this step and Helen is horrified to learn that Kirsty has been roaming around the streets, asking about Blake and the others. “You’re not thinking straight” Helen tells her friend.

There was another surprise on Thursday – Alistair had been called out on an emergency and Jim was away. When Alistair returns, he is shocked to see Philip at the front door. Philip says that people have been spreading lies about him and ‘the lads’ – the story that they didn’t want to work for him is totally fake news and he wants to put the record straight. Alistair says that he finds it difficult to believe him – what about Gavin’s fake gambling addiction, for example? Philip says that it is precisely because Alistair tried to help Gavin that Philip has come to see him. Alistair agrees to give Philip five minutes and invites him inside.

It emerges that Philip would like Alistair to talk to Kirsty and explain that it is crazy to believe that the lads were slaves, but Alistair is unhappy and does not want to get involved. He asks Philip to leave, but just then Jim returns and tells Alistair to make a cup of tea, as he would like to hear Philip’s side of the story.

Philip spins Jim a yarn about how he rescued the lads from the street, but Jim isn’t taken in and questions him closely. When Phil says how happy the lads were to work for him, Jim goes for the throat and says “You disgust me – you took appalling advantage of those poor young men, yet you still play the part of misunderstood victim!” Philip says he’s out of there, but Jim hasn’t finished and shouts “Run as far as you like, Philip, but until you turn around and face who you really are, may you be trapped in a living hell!”

A stunned Alistair asks his dad if he’s OK? Jim replies that he has been waiting nearly 70 years to say that, but he didn’t have the words then, “But if even one verbal punch landed and helps Philip Moss see the monster he really is, then yes; I’m quite all right, Alistair.”

So, pretty safe to say that you’re not really a Philip Moss fan then, Jim?

 

Presenting A (Dis)United Front

Jon Glover (Martyn Gibson)

I’ve never liked Martyn Gibson – I still haven’t forgiven him for the hoops that he made Kathy jump through when she was running the golf club; making her life a misery with impossible deadlines and demands. Bearing in mind that Kathy is far from my favourite person in Ambridge, you will appreciate that for me to sympathise with her illustrates exactly what a slimeball Gibson is.

Actually, the entire Board of Directors of Borsetshire Land is totally dysfunctional and they exhibit all the camaraderie and fellowship of a bagful of ferrets. On Monday, Justin is up early, going through all the paperwork concerning work done by Philip Moss’s company. This was prompted by a text from Martyn Gibson, telling Justin to expect a call from him later in the day.

Justin tells Lilian that he fully expects that he is not going to like what his fellow directors will have to say, which shows just how well he knows Martyn Gibson, who probably got a Phd in schadenfreude. Lilian bangs on about collective responsibility, but Justin is under no illusions about how the Board will react. “I was the one who dealt with Philip Moss – the buck stops with me” he tells her. Sure enough, Martyn calls and says that he has contacted all the other board members and they are in total agreement – the situation, he says, is not looking good and they need to show their suppliers and customers that they are taking the situation seriously. If even one supplier links Berrow Farm with worker exploitation, Martyn continues, it could be disastrous – BL needs to make a big gesture.

Justin points out that no allegations have been levelled at BL; they are against Philip Moss, but it is all to no avail, as Justin has been firmly cast in the role of scapegoat and the BL directors are deserting him quicker than the proverbial rats on the proverbial sinking ship. He points out, surprisingly mildly to my mind, that all decisions were examined and ratified by the Board, but this cuts no ice and Martyn says that awarding jobs to Philip could be regarded as “wilful ignorance”. Whatever, Martyn says that, if Justin does not resign his position over Berrow, the whole enterprise could come crashing down. Lilian is furious, especially when Justin says that he will voluntarily resign, and adds that he would have reacted in exactly the same way as did Martyn. If she was angry before, she becomes almost apoplectic when Justin says that the Board feels that Brian would be a more suitable figurehead for both Berrow and the Rewilding project. “What? The polluter of the Am!” she screams.

The unmasking of Philip as a slave gangmaster seems to have affected many in the village, with people saying what a nice, helpful guy he was, and who can believe it? David, whose barn Philip and his lads refurbished as a wedding venue, and for whom they installed a new milking parlour, is taking it extremely badly, telling Rooooth that what they ought to do is tear the place down and why didn’t David notice how low Philip’s ‘mate’s rates’ were? How could they not see that the prices were too low to be genuine? The answer to that would appear to be that they were delighted to get such a cheap price and, as for the workers being slaves, neither David nor Rooooth ever spoke one word to the labourers all the time they were working on the farm.

Rooooth says that Philip has not actually been convicted of anything yet, so why don’t they just wait a while and see what happens? No doubt she is also thinking that ‘at least we got a good job done on the cheap’ and is keeping an eye on David in case he starts destroying anything.

Kirsty goes to see Lynda in order to tell her the truth about the explosion at Grey Gables and how it wasn’t really Blake’s fault, as it couldn’t have been him who bought the petrol that caused the explosion, as Blake was never paid any money. “That poor, young man” says Lynda, kindly. Kirsty relates how, after being arrested, she spent the night in a cell and was released – under investigation – the next morning. The memory is too much for Kirsty, and she dissolves in tears.

Of all the people who were affected by Philip, you would think that Lynda would harbour the biggest grudge, but she is surprisingly calm about the whole affair. In fact, as she and Robert are celebrating the view after climbing Lakey Hill (another landmark achievement on her convalescence for Lynda) she tells her husband (who has been chuntering on about why didn’t he see Philip for the monster he is) to let it go - dismiss Philip from his mind and enjoy life.

Robert goes off to watch a group of Redwings (I don’t know the exact collective noun) and, when he returns, he tells Lynda, cheerfully, what a nice experience it was “and Philip Moss was banished from my mind” he adds. “Good.” Says his wife; “Don’t let him back in.” Lynda then muses about how wonderful it was that the community supported her MBE nomination, and how she’d like to give something back to them and celebrate the village community. She doesn’t know exactly what yet, “but it will have to be something spectacular – after all, I shall soon be Lynda Snell MBE; great things will be expected.” As long as it isn’t another dramatic extravaganza, I don’t really care – how about a vow of perpetual silence, or am I being heartless?

The Philip Moss affair seems to be bringing out the worst in our Police; in particular D.C. Tanners (she was the one who arrested Kirsty). Having done that, and enquiring about David’s ‘mates’ rates’, she turns her attention to Neil. Having refused his offer of tea and biscuits, she gets down to business – as Chairman of the Parish Council, how closely did he scrutinise the prices submitted by Philip for tendering for jobs? Did he not think that they were artificially low? Did Neil never wonder how Philip could afford his lifestyle on the prices that he was quoting for jobs? The answers to these questions are ‘not very closely’, ‘no; I thought he was doing it as a favour’ and ‘see my previous answer’. 

Surely a more pertinent question would have been ‘did you never wonder how Mr. Moss could have afforded to buy the millions of Christmas lights that made his house visible from outer space, plus paying the small fortune needed every week to pay for the electricity?’ Neil left the meeting feeling very bruised and, as he told Robert Snell, whom he met on his journey homeward, “I felt that she suspected me, rather than Philip - I don’t think she really believed me.”

Kirsty is living at Roy’s house, as she cannot bear to return to the Beechwood house; also, the police are all over it at the moment. Helen returns from some time away (with Lee and the children) and tells Roy that she is concerned – Helen’s phone keeps going to voicemail. Roy says he’ll have a word with her, and he arranges for the two girls to meet up.

Kirsty is upset because she always thought that she would be able to spot a con-man from a mile away (she was the only one who sussed out that Helen’s husband Rob was a wrong’un), but she ended up marrying one. For her part, Helen says that, with her experience of Rob, she should have noticed, and the two girls make up. Helen asks Kirsty if she is OK living at Roy’s – does she want to move in with them at Bridge Farm? Living with Helen and the boys might be OK, but Pat and Tony as well? Fortunately, Kirsty retains her sanity and turns the offer down.

Helen asks if Kirsty needs help to clear her stuff from the house? Kirsty says ‘yes please’ but they realise that this is the elephant in the room – talking about the house, is Helen still interested in buying it? It becomes apparent that Helen’s enthusiasm has cooled somewhat, plus you have to wonder what Kirsty would think, should the purchase go ahead – imagine if Helen bought it and then invited Kirsty round for tea. I suspect that visits would be infrequent, to say the least. Ah well, back to the Estate Agent, Kirsty.

Every so often, there is a story that seems to have been shoehorned in to fill up space, and the latest one appears to be the ‘renewing our vows’ story of Eddie and Clarrie Grundy. Ignoring the question that ‘Why would you spend 40 years married to Eddie?’ or even ‘Why would you have married Eddie in the first place?’ we have Emma teasing her mother about bridesmaids and hen nights. Emma asks where would Clarrie like to go for a second honeymoon? The answer is “we can’t afford one” but, when pressed, she answers “Paris”. Emma says that that gives her an idea, so we have to wonder whether or not we are looking at a meal in the tea room of frogs’ legs (imagine Eddie’s look of horror), Coq au Vin (no Eddie – it’s a chicken, honest) and a gateau (no; it’s not a cat).

Let us finish on (for a change) a religious note. Alan, the vicar, has noticed the atmosphere of despondency and bewilderment that has enveloped Ambridge, post Philip. He tells Shula that he is planning a virtual service and puts out a ‘come and join us’ call on social media. It proves quite popular, and the theme of Alan’s service is ‘forgiveness.’

He tells his virtual congregation that there are 136,000 enslaved and exploited people in the UK, and begs his audience to remember them in their prayers. Then, very much going out on a limb, he adds; “Let’s pray too for those who exploit them; may they repent of their sins.” 

Speaking to Alan afterwards, Shula says that it was a bold move, but he was inspiring, although some people might have reservations about his views on forgiveness. “Do you mean that some sins are easier to forgive than others?” Alan asks. Just then, with the impeccable timing of the Archers, Shula’s phone rings. It’s Philip. Shula doesn’t answer, and lets him ring off - but he’s sure to ring back; should she answer if he does? Alan is less than helpful, as he answers “I can’t tell you that – it’s something you’ve got to decide for yourself.” Thanks a span, vicar – you’re a great help.

Bonus Posting – Looking Back, Fondly

As the Archers celebrated its 70^th anniversary, we thought that we would indulge in some nostalgia and look back at some of the highlights of this blog. Of course, we cannot claim anything like the serial’s longevity, but the first posting of our weekly blog appeared on 15^th December 2009. It was entitled Wayne and Jim and the subject was a trip to France, returning on the Herald of Free Enterprise.

We have written before about how the idea to write the blog came about during an evening in the village pub (sadly not called The Bull – that would have stretched credibility to its limits) and I have to admit that strong drink had been taken. I expected that the idea would fizzle out after a month or two, but here we are, some eleven years and 596 – 597 if you count this Bonus Posting, episodes later, catering to our loyal readers; giving them their weekly fix of all things Ambridge. 

Just how many these readers actually number is impossible to say – I used to keep a tally of free hits, but then the running total mysteriously vanished, never to return. All I can say is that the total was approaching 400,000 a year ago and the weekly total was averaging just under 1,000 – not bad for something that has never been actively promoted, and whose readership has been spread by word of mouth and serendipitous encounters via the Internet.

That first episode, incidentally, totalled just 355 words, and the length has steadily increased; last week’s episode (A Gong For Lynda) was 1,986 words in length. One day I might sit down and add up the wordage, but at the moment, I have a life, thank you, although I must admit that, if we keep having lockdowns, it could happen.

Neil and I are always pleased to get feedback from our readers, as it is good to know that someone, somewhere is listening. In fact, we are receiving an increasing number of e-mails along the lines of ‘I used to listen to the Archers, but now I just read your blog’. Perhaps one week I might introduce a totally fictitious incident, similar to the plane crash on Emmerdale a few years – actually a lot of years – ago. But no – I couldn’t do that to Archers fans, tempting as it is to imagine the roll call of potential casualties. It was precisely to avoid such wholesale carnage that we invented the concept of The Pedalo Of Doom (Bonus Posting 10/3/2015) so that only four characters could be lost at any one time.

Having said that, characters disappear from time to time for no apparent reason. You will recall Darrell the plumber/tiler/handyman, who was last heard of living in a campervan at the Stables, and who vanished without trace. Not only him, as his two daughters never reappeared either. For such a close-knit community, many of the people who move away, stay away. Take for example Mike Tucker, who is a long-standing Ambridge inhabitant and was a member of the darts team, despite having only one eye. He, wife Vicky and daughter Bethany only moved to Birmingham, leaving son Roy in Ambridge, but do they ever return to visit? No. Does Mike drop into The Bull occasionally to see his mates and reminisce? Does he fishcakes!

Others who have been written out include Brenda and Lexi, while some characters just vanish without trace. Take, for instance, Dr Locke – in 2015 there was a potentially-interesting storyline where the two Archer sisters Shula and Elizabeth both appeared to have the hots for the physician. “Oh ho” I thought, as all kinds of scenarios (some purer than others) flashed across my mind. But what happened? I’ll tell you what happened – sod-all is what happened. And where is the doctor now? Your guess is as good as mine.

Some characters seem to exist in a kind of Shadowland – they are referred to every now and then, but never feature in a major story. In some cases, this is a blessing in disguise, and I for one would be happy if the voices of Wayne, Kathy, Jamie, James and Leonie never darkened our airwaves again. I appreciate that, with an ever-growing list of characters, and the policy of a maximum of seven speaking-characters an episode, not everybody can take a turn at the microphone, but when did you last hear from Hannah, Lee, Leonard, Fallon or Sergeant Burns? And, incidentally, as a copper who lives in Ambridge, why wasn’t the latter involved in the arrests of Philip Moss and Kirsty?

Others who have been silent for ages include Usha and Amy Franks (I was going to add Alan the vicar, but he reappeared this week with a virtual church service). Pat Archer has been noticeable by her vocal absence, as has Russ – but I could go on for ages…

Anyway, another big ‘thank you’ to all our readers and, if you have a favourite (or unfavourite) character, who is a) still alive and b) has mysteriously gone AWOL from our favourite soap, then by all means let us know. As I said earlier, Neil and I love getting feedback.

Take care and keep safe. Neil and Peter.

PS One thing I’d like to see/hear the back of is the Archers Sunday Omnibus theme tune. Don’t get me started!

A Gong For Lynda

Carole Boyd (Lynda Snell)

If you’ve been listening to Radio Four over the past week or so – and I assume you have, or else you wouldn’t be reading this blog – it cannot have escaped your notice that Friday 1^ST January was a significant date in the saga of our favourite village, as it marked the 70^th anniversary – to the day – of the first broadcast of the Archers. Yes, it was on New Year’s Day in 1951 that the world first learned of Ambridge and its inhabitants (only eight characters initially, apparently).

Yes, we have had good people, bad people, stupid people, over-sexed people (hello Brian), drunks (hi Lilian and Alice) and some who are, to put it bluntly, just bloody annoying. Don’t worry; this is not going to be another rant about Susan Carter, as I am referring to the Queen of patronage and condescension – Ladies and Gentlemen, we are here to discuss the one and (thankfully) only Lynda Snell.

On New Year’s evening, Kenton and Jolene have organised an ‘About Ambridge’ quiz, which involved the local inhabitants invading the village, looking for answers to questions and, presumably freezing their bits off. One can only hope that they are socially distancing themselves. The official starter for this exciting event (surely the evening TV can’t have been all that bad?) is the aforementioned Lynda. However, before saying ‘they’re off’ she has a few words, which comes as no surprise.

What is a surprise is that she reveals that she has been put forward to receive an MBE in the New Year’s Honours list, and she has gracefully accepted this accolade. Apparently she was nominated by ‘the community’, which suggests to me that a lot of people wanted to remain anonymous. Lynda says later that it was a struggle to keep it secret, but it wasn’t all that secret, as Kirsty and Roy reveal that they both knew she had been nominated. Anyway, Lynda is thrilled and tells the assembled throng on the Green “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

Discussing the award later as they roam about Ambridge, looking for clues to the quiz, Tracy and Jazzer have seemingly different opinions on the merit of the award. Tracy is made up for Lynda, but Jazzer says that she will be even more insufferable now. “But we wouldn’t have her any other way, would we?” Tracy asks. I admit now that my immediate thought was ‘how about spit roasted?’ but I then thought that, in view of her involvement in the Grey Gables explosion, this was churlish in the extreme, so I say here and now (albeit through firmly gritted teeth) congratulations Lynda. Jazzer would appear to be of the same mind, as, in answer to Tracy’s question, he says “Aye, right enough.”

We are going to have to keep an eye on Tracy and Jazzer. At the beginning of the week, Tracy is on the phone to sister Susan, who, in her best ‘rubbing salt into the wound’ manner, says how much Tracy must be missing Roman. “Who?” is Tracy’s response, but then she breaks off the call, as she has noticed a light on in the cricket pavilion and goes to investigate. She finds Jazzer, surrounded by bottles of his home brew – why is he here? she demands to know. The answer is perfectly obvious – he has run out of storage room in the polytunnels and it has to go somewhere. 

All this makes me wonder if Adam is keeping a firm hand on the tiller, as you think he’d notice a little thing like a polytunnel – originally designed for soft fruit, and now (unless I have missed something along the way) home to aquaponics and fish – is full of bottles and flagons of home-made booze. Be that as it may, Jazzer mentions that there seems to be a lot of knick-knacks and women’s magazines in evidence in the pavilion. Eventually, Tracy admits that she went to the pavilion on occasions as a love nest with Roman and to get some peace and quiet away from her family. If I had her family, I’d go to Tashkent (or even further). The upshot of all this is they agree to keep each other’s secret.

A couple of days later, it is New Year’s Eve and Jazzer is having a quiet night in with Jim. There are fireworks and the two discuss whether they should step outside and show their faces? In the end, sanity prevails and they realise that they have all they need; a warm fire, plenty to eat and ample supplies of booze, so why venture outside? Just then, Jazzer’s gets a text and he tells the Prof that he has to go – he’ll “Be back before the Bells”.

The text was from Tracy – she’s at the cricket pavilion and has accidentally locked herself in the changing room. As Jazzer is the only one who knows their secret, she chose him. Jazzer turns up and forces the door open, but, as they are getting stuck into the home brew, Jazzer lets the door go and now they are both stuck. Midnight is approaching and Tracy says that she thought she would be spending it with Roman. Jazzer says that his experience of New Year’s Eve is to grab the nearest person for a snog. Jazzer asks Tracy if she wants to phone Susan or brother Gary? “I couldn’t stand the embarrassment – no offence” she replies. “None taken” says the Scotsman. Jim then rings him – where is he? Jazzer replies that he’s a bit busy at the moment. “I knew it – he’s had a better offer!” Jim cries triumphantly and congratulates Jazzer. Just then, the midnight bells start ringing and Tracy tells Jazzer “Shut up and come here” and we are treated to what sounds like a sink plunger at work.

On New Year’s Day, Tracy runs into Jazzer at the ‘Around Ambridge’ quiz and the conversation is a bit awkward. Tracy says that the Hogmanay kiss didn’t mean anything really, and Jazzer readily agrees. “In fact, I didn’t enjoy it much” she continues. “Me neither” Jazzer replies. Hmm, I’m not so sure, but we will wait and see what happens.

Back to New Year’s Eve, and Peggy buttonholes Chris on the village green. She tells him that she knows that Alice has a problem with alcohol (me too – they keep putting the prices up). In vain, Chris tells her that it is all under control, but Peggy know whereof she speaks, as she tells him that her husband Jack was an alcoholic. I should point out here that we are not talking about Jack Woolley, but Peggy’s first husband, who was also called Jack. 

Peggy tells him how difficult it was for her and how she nearly left her husband “But you didn’t do that in those days.” Nevertheless, she still feels guilty at the effect of having a lush for a father might have had on her children. All I’m saying is look at Lilian. Peggy is afraid that Chris might end up leaving Alice and she is very worried for them both. Chris, whose New Year’s Eve has definitely had a bit of a damper put upon it, assures her that Alice is undergoing treatment and that they will see this thing through together.

Let us now turn to Kirsty Moss, nee Miller and the latest developments in her love life. If the old adage ‘lucky at cards, unlucky in love’ has any truth in it, then Kirsty must be one of the world’s greatest card players. Consider – she was jilted at the altar by Tom Archer, suffered a miscarriage and then moved in with – and recently married – Philip Moss. Philip seemed like a nice person and he even renovated the children’s playground at his own cost. True, one of his workers was responsible for the Grey Gables explosion, but you cannot have everything. It was only fairly recently that we had it confirmed that Philip was not actually paying his workers anything- he told Kirsty that he was paying them in kind, but this could not have been much, as the Grey Gables explosion was caused by Blake, due to the fact that he was starving and tried to make some toast when the room was filled with inflammable fumes.

Last thing we heard of Philip, he was helping the police with their enquiries, and son Gavin had gone home to his mother’s. Or so we were led to believe, but Kirsty gets a phone call from Rhiannon (Gavin’s mother) who says she is worried sick, as two policemen turned up earlier, looking for Gavin. Kirsty had a long talk with Rhiannon, who told her that Philip had told her that the whole incident was ‘a misunderstanding’. Mind you, Rhiannon went on to say that Philip always had an inclination towards using people to get what he wanted. Why is it that people do not tell you these things before it all hits the fan? Anyway, Kirsty’s mind is made up and she tells Roy that she will be contacting a solicitor regarding a divorce. “I made a huge mistake marrying that monster” she tells him.

Kirsty is staying at Roy’s, as she cannot bear to live in the house that she shared with Philip. Roy’s daughter Phoebe opens her heart to Kirsty – the Ambridge Rewilding project is not going well, as Rex and Pip are hardly speaking to each other because of the imminent eviction of the Fairbrothers from Hollowtree, and it’s all in danger of collapse. Kirsty urges Phoebe to be strong – what she is doing is the right thing and will ensure a better future for the village. Keep the faith!

Kirsty asks Roy to call Freddie and tell him that she cannot continue to take part in Freddie’s production, where she plays the somewhat pivotal role of host – directing people to their next socially-distanced experience, around the house and grounds. When he gets this news, Freddie goes into meltdown – who can he get to take on the role at such short notice? He needs someone who knows the route that the guests need to take and who is doing what and where. Eventually, about ten minutes after the rest of us, Freddie realises that, as heir to Lower Loxley and with an extensive knowledge of the place, and as producer of the show, the obvious candidate is (drum roll) – Freddie! Well, blow me down; who’d have thought it? He is a great success and is congratulated by the Trustees.

Kirsty has been coaxed out by Phoebe to take part in the About Ambridge treasure hunt/quiz and is enjoying herself. At least, she is until a police car arrives on the scene and a Detective Constable Tanner shows up, who arrests Kirsty on suspicion of human trafficking, and takes her away in the squad car. Roy is incensed and berates DC Tanner, saying that she has got the wrong person and they have let the guilty party go (Philip has been released on bail). So vociferous is Roy that the policewoman threatens to arrest him for obstruction if he doesn’t shut up. David and Kenton, who, along with half of Ambridge, have been watching this happen, are stunned – especially when Roy is ranting about ‘slave labour.’

Has Philip tried to pin the rap on Kirsty (she did do his books for him – well, one set anyway)? Surely Gavin can put the record straight; but where is he, and, should he be found and questioned, will blood prove thicker than water? Whatever happens, I think we can safely say that Kirsty has had less eventful – and much happier – New Years’ Days. Welcome to 2021 Kirsty, and I for one hope that things start to improve for you very rapidly. Personally, I’d like to see Kirsty and Roy get together. 

Finally, congratulations to the show on its 70^th anniversary!