Wilf Scolding (Christopher Carter)
Chris Carter is, so we gather, a pretty good farrier. Sadly, he has difficulty understanding fairly basic orders; orders such as ‘don’t tell anyone about Kate’s pregnancy.’ Being a straightforward (I was going to say ‘simple’ but thought better of it) soul, he probably cannot comprehend how the father of this baby could be unaware of its existence. I blame Alice - she should have said ‘don’t tell anybody - anybody - and that includes Jakob; do you understand?’ But she didn’t.
As such, the stage is set for confusion and misunderstanding. Jakob mentions that Kate keeps sending him messages, saying that she has some important news to tell him when she returns (she is away on some sort of course). “She’s probably just bought a new dream catcher” Jakob says. On Wednesday, Jakob is at Lower Loxley, attending to Cranford Crystal, who has laminitis. Jakob thinks Cranford Crystal is obese and recommends a strict diet, a smaller stable and a companion, such as a donkey or a pony for company.
Elizabeth leaves and Jakob and Chris talk about Kate. Jakob says that, with her being away, he takes delight in coming home and finding everything still in its proper place. Chris, digging himself firmly into a hole, says that Jakob is making the most of that while he still can? Jakob says that he has till Monday before Kate returns and Chris (picking up a bigger shovel) says that he was talking long term. A mystified Jakob says “In what sense?”
Chris (by this time barely able to lift the shovel) replies “Congratulations!” and, in response to Jacob’s still mystified “For what?” replies that he couldn’t say anything while Elizabeth was there, but the congrats were on becoming a dad.” Jakob is, to say the least, stunned, and his reaction makes Chris think that the vet is winding him up. Eventually, Chris realises that Jakob is serious and his skate-mouthed gob has, if you will pardon the mixed metaphors, not only given the game away, but he has let the cat out of the bag and blown the gaff. “I’m going to become a father” Jakob says, wonderingly.
Now, Jakob, before you get carried away, don’t forget that, while you may indeed be going to be a father (and the mother has yet to confirm this fact) the mother is Kate. Out of all the people in Ambridge to be the mother of my child, I cannot think of anyone of child-bearing age who I would want less. As it is, it seems that Kate has presented Jakob with a fait accompli and I, for one, can’t help feeling desperately sorry for the poor sod; he doesn’t deserve this.
Someone for whom I feel no sympathy whatsoever is Lynda Snell. In last week’s blog, I said that, in her campaign against the name change of The Bull, she is being downright nasty. I believe that, last week, she excelled herself for spitefulness - she enrolled Tracy Horrobin as an undercover agent to report back on the Valentine’s night dinner at the B@Ambridge. Tracy’s reward for this was a sumptuous afternoon tea at Grey Gables, which, as she later told Emma, made her undo two buttons.
Tracy also told Emma that she was looking forward to the Valentine’s Night dinner at the B@Ambridge, for which she has negotiated a free dinner (with complimentary house wine) for her and Roman. “Whose side are you on?” Emma asks. “Mine” is Tracy‘s pragmatic reply.
On the night, Tracy says that the food was ok, but the complimentary wine seemed to run out early - oh, and by the way, the house red was like paint stripper. Kenton and Jolene are pleased when they get a couple of five-star reviews on social media, but then not so pleased that they receive a one-star review, which describes the wine as ‘paint stripper’. The review is signed by ‘Dylan Nells’, which is the pseudonym used by Lynda when she wrote for the Echo. Kenton says that Tracy must have been a double agent (surely not, Sherlock?) “How low can you stoop?“ he asks, and Jolene says “If that’s how they want it, that’s how it’s gonna be - this is war.”
Lynda’s attitude to the pub’s name is not the only reason that she is off my Christmas Card list - she is such a know-all. On Friday, Freddie was at the Grey Gables gym, trying to persuade Johnny to finish his workout and join Freddie and pals at a nightclub. Johnny makes it plain that he is not interested and tells Freddie to go before he misses his lift.
While Johnny is distracted, Freddie rummages through Johnny’s bag and discovers some pills. He confronts an angry Johnny - are these steroids? Johnny is very annoyed and the two argue, with Freddie saying that he has witnessed the damage that these pills can do, and he goes off to the toilet to flush them away. Johnny is far from happy and the incident was witnessed by Lynda, who confronts Freddie and accuses him of trying to sell drugs to Johnny and flushing them away when he saw Lynda looking. Freddie says that she is totally wrong, but won’t tell her what really happened. She says that she will mention it at tomorrow’s staff meeting, but will mention no names and give him one last chance “which, based on your previous activities, you probably don’t deserve.”
Did you realise that there is apparently an outbreak of obesity among the equines of Ambridge? Earlier we mentioned Cranford Crystal, who is overweight, but Jakob thinks that it is worthwhile introducing an ‘equine weight-watchers’ regime for horses in Ambridge. Shula says that, thankfully, this doesn’t apply to her charges, such as Amir and Aziz, to which Jakob sourly replies that he and Shula might have differing opinions on that subject.
In conversation with Alistair, Shula remarks that Jakob was quite prickly and rude - if he adopts that attitude with every customer, she says, it will do the vet business no good at all. Alistair agrees and vows to find out what’s making Jakob act so strangely.
He gets his opportunity on Friday, when he goes to the Practice and finds Jakob there. Jakob fills him in on the fatherhood news and the pair end up drinking Swedish Schnapps (out of specimen jars, because Jakob didn’t bring any shot glasses). Alistair asks how does Jakob feel? He replies that his greatest concern is avoiding chaos “and children are inherently chaotic.” He’s not certain that he could adjust - indeed, he’s not sure that he could even love a child.
Alistair suggests ringing Kate, but Jakob is fiercely opposed to the idea - waiting until Monday will allow him time “to formulate my response”. You mad, romantic, impulsive fool, Jakob! Alistair shares that, when he and Shula got together, his main worry was could he be a good step-dad to Daniel? In the end, despite the fact that his marriage went kaput, being a dad to Dan was probably the best thing he did in his life. Jakob says that he will search the Internet for advice for fathers-to-be. Alistair urges him to do something - “whatever you have to, before she comes back.” Alternatively, Jakob could pack quickly, and quietly go back to Sweden.
We were treated to an insight into the philosophy - if that isn’t too strong a word - of Tracy Horrobin regarding men. Emma revealed that she had spent some time in the Tea Room with Gavin and they had arranged to go for a drink - strictly friends only - one night next week. Tracy keeps referring to the meeting as ‘a date’ and Emma is debating whether or not to call it off, as it has been so long since she has been out for a drink with anyone. When it comes to men, says Tracy, Emma should remember the ‘3Fs’. I’m sure that I wasn’t the only one who felt a shiver of trepidation as Tracy explained. The 3 Fs are ’Fit, Fun and Financially sorted.’ “Like Roman?“ Emma asks. “Well, two out of three ain’t bad” Tracy replies. All I can say is thank God the philosophy only extended to 3 Fs - I had visions of the Archers airing beyond the 9pm Watershed.
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