Now That’s Not Something You Hear Tony Say Very Often

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

The atmosphere at Bridge Farm continues to be a bit frosty between Tom and - well, between Tom and everybody else really. The trouble is the damn post-nup agreement, which Tom is adamant that he won’t ever sign. Pat and Tony are for it, as are Helen and Johnny, and even Natasha thinks it’s an eminently sensible idea, based on good business practice, but Tom is having none of it.

Natasha tries to get a reason from Tom, but he says that he is afraid that, if the family keeps pressurising her, she will get fed up and walk out. Tom, what part of ‘I think it’s a good idea and I don’t feel in the slightest bit insulted’ are you unable to get on top of? Carry on like this and I wouldn’t blame Natasha for walking out, but it would be your fault, not the rest of the family.

On Thursday, Tom is at Bridge Farm, as monosyllabic as ever and Tony says they are one short for the quiz night at The Bull later that evening and how about it, Tom? Tom replies that he and Natasha have other plans and he leaves. He didn’t seem to notice that Natasha wasn’t included in the team in the first place. When his son has left, Tony says “I told you so” to Pat, but she says that the matter is too important and they cannot let it go.

Natasha calls Tom and tells her husband that she has a surprise for him. Over a glass of wine, Tom continues to worry about the post-nup, saying that he has been trying to rationalise why he feels the way he does. Natasha presents him with her surprise - her grandfather’s signet ring. It’s not valuable, but it has great sentimental value and she wants him to have it as a token of how she feels. “I’m in this for keeps” she says (the cynic might say ’no doubt weeping bitterly inside as the words leave her lips’ but I wouldn’t say that). Anyway, it does the trick and Tom is overwhelmed and grateful.

The result is that the pair turn up at The Bull later and join their family. Tom says that he has changed his mind and is willing to accept the post-nup agreement. “That’s great,“ Tony says and then adds the phrase referred to in the title of this week’s blog when he adds “The drinks are on me then!” Left alone, Tom says “That went well, didn’t it?” Natasha agrees, and asks Tom if he’s going to let the family know that he and Natasha are going to enter a pitch for Peggy’s £500,000 conservation prize? Tom reveals that he’s not a complete muppet when he says “There’s no big rush, is there? One step at a time.” Make the most of Tony’s rare and unexpected generosity Tom, as I suspect there will be tears and strong words when you do eventually get round to telling your dad.

While on the subject of the quiz at The Bull, this became a bone of contention between Justin and Lilian; he maintains that he hardly ever sees her nowadays as she is always there, while she is suffering from the delusion that, with Jolene away on tour and Oliver missing shifts every now and then, she is now an indispensable member of the team. This is despite the fact that she cannot work the till or give the correct change and spends ages chatting to customers. Far from being indispensable, Kenton would cheerfully pay her to stay away from the pub.

But back to the quiz. Justin turns up unexpectedly and joins the Bridge Farm team, which should have won a prize for the most appropriate name - ‘The Village Idiots’. Quizmaster Lilian won’t let him join, but Justin whips up the crowd to demand that she backs down. Thereafter, Justin heckles Lilian constantly, querying the accuracy of the questions and answers until she snaps and deducts five points from the Idiots, with threats of further sanctions if he doesn’t shut up. When Justin and Lilian meet up after the quiz, they both agree that it had been a very enjoyable night and they will try to see more of each other in the future. Justin has been trying to get Lilian to go away for her birthday but she says she is too busy. However, she suggests a party in the Flood Bar upstairs at The Bull, with no family (which will go down well). Still, even if it’s only Lilian and Justin, you’d better stock up on gin, Kenton.

I think I am very soon going to get fed up with the story about Jim and his past sufferings. Susan bangs on his door - has he forgotten that he is down to put in a shift at the Community shop? ‘Yes’ is the short answer, but Susan drags him down to said shop and sticks him behind the counter. Alan tries to buy a magazine, but Jim makes a complete cods of scanning it and becomes angry and agitated. Kindly, Alan suggests that Jim goes home and has a cup of tea and he (Alan) will cover the rest of the shift. Jim agrees.

Later on in the week, Alistair has an awkward moment with Shula, who wants to know how Jim is faring. Alistair is in a difficult position, as he cannot tell his ex-wife the secret that Jim revealed and he tells her that he knows what’s best for his father and how to handle him. Somewhat hurt, Shula sharply replies that she won’t bother Alistair or Jim again, and leaves. Poor Alistair - he has had his sister Fiona on the phone asking questions about Jim, but Alistair promised Jim that he’d tell nobody what Jim told him and Jazzer, so all he can do is utter generalisations and mouth platitudes while people think that he’s a great woos. In fact, Alistair has been researching organisations that might be able to offer Jim help and counselling, and on Friday, Alistair and Jazzer try to get Jim to at least listen to what they (or, more accurately, Alistair) have to say. Jim is very anti the whole idea of counselling - how can it help when what’s done is done and cannot be undone? Jazzer suggests a more direct approach - why doesn’t Jim go to the police and grass HJ up; the revenge might make him feel better? 

Jim is appalled at both suggestions and gets angry, forbidding Alistair or Jazzer ever to mention the subject again and he’s going to his room and doesn’t want to be disturbed. “Thanks Jazzer, that was a great help” Alistair says as his dad leaves. Jazzer apologises, saying that he should have kept his mouth shut and that he has made things worse, but they can’t give up on Jim now. Alistair agrees “But the question is where do we go from here?” To be honest, I neither know nor care much, but I hope something happens soon before I lose the will to live.

Phoebe is back, having finished her final year at Oxford, and hasn’t the slightest idea what she is going to do. She goes to tea at The Lodge, where Peggy tells her not to worry, as she will recognise the right opportunity when it arises and, when it does present itself, Phoebe should grasp it with both hands. Tell you what, Phoebe, have you got a good idea for an innovation in sustainable farming? There’s £500k up for grabs, which will give you a good leg up in life.

Phoebe has had a talk with Adam, who tells her his idea for a Soil Academy at Home Farm, where farmers and academics from all over the world will come to stare at a patch of soil/grass/herbal ley. Phoebe’s reaction is that it doesn’t sound very sexy and it needs rebranding. Adam agrees to re-think the name.

When Phoebe was at The Lodge, she remarked on how sparkling and clean everywhere looks and expressed surprise, because she knows that Kate has been given responsibility for housekeeping “and she was never very good at it.” Peggy says “Kate has her own way of doing things“ (or not, as the case might be), and she has no problems with Kate’s work. This last comment is a bit of a porky (actually, it’s more like a complete side of bacon) as Peggy got Emma in in order to give the whole house a complete deep clean. Emma, who was narked when Peggy dispensed with her services when Kate allegedly took over cleaning duties, charged Peggy twice her normal rate. Emma also had a go at Peggy because her Ambridge Conservation Trust competition is only open to members of Peggy’s family - what about everybody else who might have a brilliant idea? Why can’t they be considered for the prize? Get on with your cleaning, woman and don‘t start getting ideas above your station.

Tuesday was the day of Ben’s driving test and, with him spouting phrases like “I’ve been driving on the farm for years” and “I don’t know why they don’t just give me a licence now” you just knew that the cocky little sod was going to stuff it up. And, much to our collective delight, that’s exactly what he did, although he told Natasha that the test was postponed because the instructor was taken ill.

Ruairi, however, was not fooled for a moment and got Ben to admit that he failed - apparently the reversing round a corner wasn’t good and the hill start (“it was like a ski slope”) was a disaster. Never mind Ben; you can always drive the tractor on the farm, you smug git. If that sounds like schadenfreude, you are spot on. 

Ed is moving ever closer to the brink of something unpleasant, I fear. Early in the week, he was making a delivery and the ‘clients’ never turned up. Ed waited all night and now he has had to stash the stuff in his barn. He complained to Tim, who suggested that Ed got the location or the date wrong, but Ed is adamant. Tim helps him hide the stuff and says there will be more work later.

On Friday, Emma is driving - in fact she is stationary at a junction - when a pick-up runs into the back of the car. She didn’t recognise the person, nor did she get his number, but he became abusive and drove off without giving any details. When Ed learns of the incident from Emma, he is angry and goes to see Tim, accusing him of setting up the whole thing to get at Ed through his family. Tim denies everything and, when Ed says he wants out, Tim says that these people own them both but, if Ed can stick it out for a couple of weeks, ‘these people’ will move on to another area and the two of them will be free once again. Tim also says that he’s found out the abortive delivery was down to the clients and not Ed. Reluctantly, Ed agrees to two more weeks, but he’s not happy.

Personally, I am all in agreement with last week’s comment from our reader Caroline about the probability of Peppa Pig’s severed head being discovered under the duvet and I find I am unable to stop humming the theme tune from The Godfather. For the sake of the Grundys (and Peppa Pig too, of course) I hope we are both wrong.