I Reckon You Can Kiss Your Bonus Goodbye, Ed

Barry Farrimond (Ed Grundy)

It had all the inevitability of a runaway train crash; on Sunday it’s all hands to the pumps as the Grundys gather together for hay baling, using what appears to be a pre-Crimean war baler. Eddie bangs on about traditional farming (and how this might help in his quest to relieve Peggy of her Trust money), while Ed reckons they are only using the antiquated machine because Joe was too mean and idle to get a newer one. Clarrie remarks how nice it is to see Will and Ed getting on so well, little knowing that they are actually discussing Ed’s illegal pesticide deliveries.

On Wednesday, Ed and Emma visit what will be their new home and remark about how well-finished it is and how they are looking forward to moving in. Adam has given Ed some time off and the pair have a drink in The Bull, with Emma telling her husband that she’s proud of him for having worked so hard. She also mentions that the driver who clipped her car recently rang her to apologise - he had been having a bad day and his wife had been taken into hospital, but now, says Emma “it’s like it never happened.”

So far, all has been sweetness and light and it looks as though Emma and Ed will soon be relaxing behind their own front door. But this is the Grundys we are talking about and regular Archers fans will smile knowingly and sit back, waiting for the railway sleeper to be dropped in front of their train of life. And we don’t have long to wait, as on Friday, Tim turns up at Home Farm, telling Ed that they need to get rid of the pesticides being stored in the Grundys’ pole barn. Ed is nervous, as Adam comes over. Tim hands him his card and says that he’s available for any jobs that need doing, as Ed hurries him off the farm.

Tim later runs into Will and the talk turns to the pheasants and how hard it must be to keep the weeds down around the pens, where predators might lurk. Oddly enough, Tim has some weed killer going cheap - would Will be interested? Eventually, Will realises that Tim is the one peddling the dodgy pesticides and threatens to call the police there and then. 

That, suggests Tim, wouldn’t be a good idea, as the stuff is stashed in the Grundy’s pole barn and that Ed has been delivering cheap weedkiller for Tim and calling the cops now would drop Ed right in it. “Maybe you should have a word with your brother before you call the Police?” Tim asks Will. Will thinks better of shopping his brother and sets off for Home Farm to have the truth out of Ed (Ed having sworn that he was finished with the whole weedkiller business).

While all this is going on, Ed and Adam are talking at Home Farm, with Ed thanking Adam for giving him time off to view the house. Adam is in expansive mood and tells Ed that he (Adam) regards Ed as a hard worker, who has helped Adam through a difficult period (taking over from Brian) and that Ed deserves a bonus.

It is at this stage that an irate Will turns up and confronts his brother - how many more lies has Ed been spinning? Ed makes the mistake of telling Will about how Tim had threatened him and how worried Ed was when the motorist hit Emma’s car. Will goes totally ballistic - George was in the car at the time and how dare Ed put Will’s son in danger? A full-blown scuffle breaks out and Ed has to call on Adam to get Will off him. Adam orders Will off the farm, but not before Will has blurted out about the illegal pesticides. “My office - now” says Adam sternly, as Will leaves.

Adam advises Ed to tell the truth and the whole story comes out. Adam is appalled - he still has Tim’s card in his pocket - and he feels like he could be an accessory after the fact; he is Ed’s employer, after all. Adam reassures Ed that he won’t shop him, but Home Farm has had its fill of chemical-related scandals and can’t afford another. A distraught Ed begs and pleads Adam not to sack him; if he does, Ed and Emma will not be able to get a mortgage and will lose the house. The house, says Ed, by this time in floods of tears, is all Emma has ever dreamt of and again he begs Adam not to fire him. The week ends with Adam saying “The business can’t take another scandal. I’m sorry Ed, but I’m going to have to let you go.”

This could well lead to some interesting conversations in the Em/Ed household over the next few days, as well as the removal of a gonad or two if Emma gets really angry. It could only happen to the Grundys - just as it looks like things had turned the corner for Ed and Emma, it all goes nads up, despair looms on the horizon and the Grundy brothers are once more at daggers drawn and at each others‘ throats - it’s just like old times. I suppose we should be grateful that Ed didn’t say “Er, exactly how much will this bonus be, Adam?”

One solution for Ed - and I admit that this is something of a long shot - is for him to win Peggy’s £500,000. To do this, he faces opposition from Adam, Tom and Natasha, Eddy, Terry Button (who apparently has a plan to turn Ambridge into ‘Fungusopolis’) and, coming up quickly on the rails, Phoebe and Rex. Phoebe has this idea for ‘rewilding’ - turning parts of the land back to Nature - and they run the plan past Pip. Pip points out that Peggy’s aim is to make farming more sustainable, not to stop doing it, but Pip says that she will give their research the once-over and let them know.

It seems odd that Phoebe and Rex should approach Pip, as she will also, presumably, be submitting her own scheme for Peggy’s prize, so her judgement might not be described as objective. They could also have timed it better, as they (or, rather, Phoebe) ended up harassing Pip on what was Rosie’s first birthday - an occasion made notable by the fact that Toby introduced his ‘special guest’, which, in fact was a unicorn. No, not a real one, but a dyed and made up Shetland pony.

Toby was trying to encourage Rex to move into the pork business by buying Neil’s pigs, raising them to slaughter weight and selling the pork to Tom for sausages. Things come to a head when Tom leaves Johnny in charge of the wallows, while he (Tom) is down at the sausage factory, covering for Maurice. Johnny falls into one of the wallows, spraining his ankle and can hardly walk, while Pat is unimpressed because Tony was helping Johnny out as the temperature soared to the mid-nineties. An irate Pat tells her son that none of this would have happened if he’d got rid of the pigs - it was his idea to get rid of the pigs in the first place, “so get on with it and find a new supplier - now!”

Rex goes to have a chat with Tom and Pat is hanging around. Tom rather pointedly asks his mother if she hasn’t got something that she wants to talk to Helen about and, for once in her life, Pat takes the hint and leaves them. The lads discuss the pigs and Rex is a tad surprised, as they won’t be organic. Tom replies that they will still be free range and well cared for, so that won’t be a problem, even though he hasn’t run this past the rest of the family yet. The pair shake on the deal and, barely nanoseconds after Rex’s departure, Pat is nosing around, wondering what the discussion was about. Tom tells her about the non-organic plan and she is philosophical, saying “you can’t always have everything.”

Shula has come to a decision - she wants to become a vicar. She discusses her decision with Alan, who asks some pointed questions, such as is she trying to make up for breaking her marriage vows? She says no, but feels that God has never deserted her, despite the things she has done. Alan is eventually convinced of her dedication and commitment and says he will arrange for her to meet with the ’Diocesan Director of Ordinands’. I must admit to knowing nothing of the pre-ordination process, but I can’t help thinking that this does not sound like a full-time job, but what do I know about it?

One strange aspect; Shula tells Alan that it was something that Freddie said that finally made up her mind to seek Ordination. I suppose that this could always be cited as evidence that God does, indeed, move in mysterious ways. Sometimes very mysterious.

Jim’s recovery from his childhood abuse ordeal is still plodding along. Jazzer hears him moaning in his sleep and suffering from nightmares and convinces the Prof to forgo his stint at the shop and to stay in bed. Jill takes over Jim’s shift and, when Jazzer pops in for something, she makes pointed remarks about people letting the side down at short notice. So sharp is her tongue, that Leonard becomes embarrassed and points out to her how upset Jazzer was becoming over her comments.

Jim also bails out of the Fete Committee meeting, much to Lynda’s annoyance, as his presence might well have reined in some of the wilder ideas mooted by Ruairi and Ben. Instead of the committee, Jim has gone to the bird hide by Arkwright’s lake for some peace and quiet, where he meets Robert Snell, who has done exactly the same to get away from the committee. At first it seems that Jim will take himself off on a walk, but he and Robert soon become embroiled in a discussion about whether Robert had really seen a reed bunting or not. They decide to wait and see if the bird returns and end up spending a pleasant afternoon together.

After the afternoon spent with Robert, Jim decides he would like to play the new keyboard that his children bought for his birthday and Alistair is emboldened to ask his dad if he has had any second thoughts about turning Harold the paedophile over to the police? Jim says that even a conviction would not help, as he would have to relive the ordeal all over again and his whole life would be about what Harold did to him “and I don’t intend to let him win now.” Nevertheless, Jim thanks Alistair for his concern and goes off to play his keyboard. 

Jazzer asks Alistair what can they do - after all, Jim might not be Harold’s only victim. Alistair agrees, but says the decision has to be Jim’s and if he wants them to do nothing, so be it. Personally, I reckon that, before long, Jazzer might lose patience and start meting out his own brand of, very rough, justice.

Is Phoebe A Dark Horse?

Lucy Morris (Phoebe Aldridge)

I wish Phoebe would lighten up a little - here she is, back home from Oxford, and she seemingly is discontented because she wants to change the world and “make things happen”, as she tells Kirsty. Phoebe is also suffering because she finds Ambridge “a let down” after her time at Oxford. For heaven’s sake, woman, just relax and chill for a while - after all those months studying, you deserve a little R&R and some ‘me time’.

However, things look set to change, as, on Sunday, Lilian is summoned to The Lodge by Peggy, who has had a brilliant idea for her Ambridge Conservation Trust project (hereafter referred to as ACT). Lilian has been appointed Trust Administrator and she is not happy, as she is falling behind with her AmSide work, as well as getting under Kenton’s feet in The Bull while Jolene is away on tour. Never mind, as the ACT prize is only on offer to family members, Lilian reckons that there will only be three or four entrants into the competition, so how much work can there be for her to do?

Wrong! Peggy reveals that she is opening up the competition so that anyone who lives in Ambridge can submit a scheme to try and win the £500,000 on offer for the best idea. Lilian is appalled - moving the goalposts this radically could mean that the Trust is inundated with entries. Peggy hopes for exactly that and tells Lilian that she is finding it all very exciting. Of course, Peggy realises that it could mean extra work for Lilian and, as such, Peggy proposes a change in Lilian’s job title, from ‘Trust Administrator’ to ‘Chief Operating Officer’. Undoubtedly. Lilian would have preferred a couple of staff to handle what she suspects will be an avalanche of applications, but Peggy just steamrollers any objections and tells Lilian to make sure the decision is widely publicised.

On her way home from Peggy’s. Lilian runs into Adam and tells him of he mother’s change of heart. Adam is worried - what had been a three-horse race will obviously now attract a wider field. Not to worry, Lilian tells him; she will send the press release and advert to the classified pages, where nobody will notice it among the small ads. Wrong again, Lilian! Kirsty is browsing the Echo’s website when she comes across the announcement, including a photo of Peggy.

Kirsty is in a very good mood, as she has received an e-mail, telling her that she has got her dream job with the Conservation Trust (nothing to do with Peggy’s Trust, incidentally). She comes across Eddie and congratulates him on the condition of his hay meadow, saying that the competition is now open to all and this could be just the sort of thing that Peggy is looking for.

For someone who always has an eye out for the main chance, Eddie can be a bit slow sometimes and he tells Kirsty that the horsey ladies will pay top dollar for proper hay and his wild flower meadow is usually a nice little earner. Patiently, she points out that the ACT prize money is £500k, which is a lot of fodder. Full credit to Eddie; he is away down The Bull post-haste to pick Lilian’s brains about the competition. She is still under the misapprehension that nobody knows about the opening up of the competition and tells him that she desperately needs to make a phone call.

All this leaves Eddie in a bit of a dilemma - he has been trying to ingratiate himself with Natasha and Tom as a consultant to their Orchard Village project, hoping to get his hands on some of the money if they won it, but now it could all be his. For their part, Tom and Natasha are wondering how they can politely tell Eddie to get lost, as (as Tom puts it) if Peggy sees the Grundy name on their application, it will be dead in the water. A meeting is arranged and Tom is trying to let Eddie down gently, when Eddie stops him - he is going to have to resign as ’orchard consultant’ as he wants to submit his own proposal. Tom feigns disappointment and Eddie generously says that he will waive his ’consultant’s fee’ (’this is what a tree looks like, Tom’) for a few pints. Tom agrees with alacrity, telling Natasha (who failed to get Eddie to stand down as a consultant) that “You just need to know how to handle these Grundys.”

As news of the opening up of the competition spreads, all kinds emerge from the woodwork, which brings us back to Phoebe. When she and Kirsty are celebrating the latter’s new job, Phoebe reveals that she has an idea for the competition, but she is keeping her cards close to her chest. On Thursday, it is the night of the latest in the series of the meaningless challenges for Adam and Ian’s bucket list, involving a night out at a gay bar. Chris and Alice Archer also attend and Chris is getting steadily slaughtered, while at the same time attracting admiring glances from the clientele.

Adam and Ian sneak out and Chris is helped out, after being sick. Rex is the lucky cab driver who picks up Alice, Chris and Phoebe and talk turns to Peggy’s challenge - does Phoebe have a plan? Alice scathingly says that Phoebe “has even less idea about farming than Kate has” but Phoebe remains tight-lipped about her intentions. However (and here we get to the point of this week’s blog title), I think that you underestimate Phoebe at your peril and she could well be a dark horse. Of course, the downside could be that, if Phoebe wins, then Kate might get her hands on some of the money.

Whatever happens, Peggy has really put the cat among the pigeons and I suspect there will be rivalry and ill-feeling to follow. But what else has happened in our favourite village? Alistair eventually convinces Jim that Fiona needs to know what Jim went through in his youth. Jim, however, cannot bring himself to tell his daughter the gory details, so Alistair breaks the news. The three of them then spend a day at Stratford-upon-Avon and, after a difficult start, they have an enjoyable day, reminiscing about previous visits as a family.

Fiona has to return to work and, before she drives off, she exhorts Alistair to keep working on Jim - he needs more help than they alone can provide. Jim flatly refuses to seek counselling, so Alistair phones a helpline. To do this, he rings from The Stables, with Shula’s encouragement, and he is impressed with their reactions - if only he could get his dad to seek help. Shula warns her ex-husband that he cannot fix Jim - it’s something he has to do himself, and Alistair says that it feels like a very long road. Nevertheless, he is very grateful for the help that Shula has given, saying: “I don’t know what I’d have done without you the last few weeks - you really are a Godsend.”

Jim, who it seems is gradually coming to his senses, invites Shula round for tea. He realises that she has guessed what happened to him in the past, even though she might not know the details, and he apologises for his recent behaviour. Shula says that she has wanted to pray for Jim and it might help him to realise that other people care for him. She is immediately embarrassed at talking this way to a confirmed atheist and apologises for asking him. Surprisingly, Jim says she can go ahead and he’d appreciate it if she wanted to pray for him. At this rate, he’ll be playing the organ at St. Stephen’s before much longer.

What have we missed out on? Ben passed his driving test at the second attempt. He was worried about the hill start, but he, Ruairi and Leonard hit on a cunning scheme - if a car should be parked on the hill, where this manoeuvre is carried out, then it would have to be done elsewhere. Personally, I cannot believe that there is only one hill in Felpersham and it would seem that I’m right, as Ruairi and Leonard dutifully parked on the hill (with Leonard having to talk his way out of a parking ticket) without seeing Ben. It turned out that they had picked the wrong hill and the pair are mortified, until Ben says “your faces!” and reveals that he has passed. Len thought that Ben had failed and that Len was a jinx, as he passed on his fourth attempt. As it was, Len felt so guilty because he thought that he’d screwed up, that he offered to buy the lads a burger. When Ben revealed the truth, I’d have gone off and left him.

Earlier on, Lilian was moaning about how much work she had on, so it was surprising that she decided that The Bull needed ‘refreshing’. Much to Kenton’s surprise, this involved getting Philip in to quote for tearing the plaster off the walls, installing fairy lights and touching up the paintwork. Kenton is adamant, saying that they can’t spend money they don’t have and he’s the boss. Philip says “OK” but Lilian interjects with “don’t be silly, darling” and urges Philip to get on with the measuring up, adding “I’m the boss.”

This could go on for ever, but eventually Philip suggests that he could come back another time, when they know what they want. And Kenton agrees, treating him to a pint for his trouble. With the prices that builders/decorators charge, I submit that a pint (what - £3-50 to £4?) is a good deal for Kenton - and his walls are intact.

There is a bit of a crisis in the Grundy household, when William turns up, seeking babysitting duties from his mum and dad. Unfortunately this coincides with Eddie taking Clarrie out to an outdoor cinema evening, so they can’t oblige. Why not ask Bev to babysit, asks Clarrie? Will says yeah, OK, and leaves. Clarrie, however, isn’t happy and she and Eddie leave early (actually, just as the opening credits are rolling). Even worse, Eddie leaves a half pint of cider, never mind having paid for the tickets.

Eddie goes off to discuss the orchard village with Natasha and Clarrie waits for William to return home. She has rung Bev to ask if Poppy is OK, only to be told that Will never rang Bev to babysit. He admits that he took Poppy to work with him (Clarrie was waiting three hours for him to come home) because he was afraid that Bev would think he wasn’t coping and that she would get Poppy taken away from him.

Clarrie secretly organises a lunch next day with her, Bev and Will and they try to sort something out. At first, Will is aggressive, saying that Bev will never have Poppy, to which she responds that she doesn’t want to take Poppy away - it would be nice to see a bit more of her every now and then and she’d love to have her granddaughter over. It all ends amicably enough and just goes to show what can happen when a brain-dead, deluded person gets hold of the wrong end of the stick. And yes; I am talking about you, Will.

You Should Have Asked For An Advance, Eddie

Trevor Harrison (Eddie Grundy)

When it comes to attempting to take advantage, you cannot fault Eddie Grundy for trying. True, all his schemes tend to go down the toilet, but hope obviously springs eternal in the ferret-fancier’s breast, and you have to admire his speed of thought sometimes. Take last week; on Sunday he had only just heard about Tom and Natasha’s idea for Ambridge to become an orchard village and he was off to the cricket in a flash with the express aim of introducing himself to Natasha.

His story was that he wanted Natasha to do a makeover for Clarrie, but, strangely, Clarrie wasn’t at home. Never mind, Natasha says that she can come back another time and get Clarrie to give her a ring. This makes Eddie panic somewhat, as his idea is to engage Natasha in conversation about the orchard village, while trying to wangle some financial advantage for himself. In desperation, he says that the makeover was never meant for Clarrie, but for him. That’s different, and Natasha immediately slaps a face mask on him. This makes it awkward for him, as he wants to discuss the finer points of apple growing, with particular reference to the special micro climate around Ambridge, and it’s hard to enunciate words like ‘micro climate’ when you’re not allowed to move your lips.

Eddie’s story for his behaviour is that he wanted “to surprise the missus.” If that were so, then he should have offered to wash up - Clarrie would probably have fainted with the shock. Natasha, however, falls for this load of tripe and tells Tom about the ‘interesting expert’ she had been talking to and how impressed she was by his local knowledge and what he knows about fruit trees. Tom is puzzled - who is this expert and did he want any payment? Not payment up front, says Natasha and she is disconcerted when she mentions Eddie’s name and Tom bursts into howls of laughter. “Let me tell you about Eddie Grundy” Tom says, still laughing. His one regret was that he never got to see Eddie in a face mask. Anyway, it is a good job that Natasha didn’t sign any kind of agreement and I think we can assume that Eddie’s days as self-appointed Ambridge Apple Expert are numbered.

Sometimes I wonder about Natasha - she is supposed to be this high-flying businesswoman with a successful company behind her and then she falls for a scam which was, at best, both obvious and simplistic. And aren’t you surprised that nobody has taken her to one side and told her to watch out for the Grundys (at least the older ones) and, when you shake their hand, make sure that you count your number of fingers afterwards?

Lilian celebrated her 72^ndbirthday on Tuesday - or at least the first half of the evening was a celebration, as she had insisted that no family members should attend the thrash in The Bull (you can imagine how gutted Tony was to be told this). Lilian was just telling Toby what a great time she was having (it sounded like she was trying to drink a gin for every one of her years on this Earth) when Toby tried to draw her attention to something. That ’something’ was the arrival (unannounced and uninvited) of Peggy to the party, much to Lilian’s dismay.

Even worse, Peggy tells her daughter that she (Peggy) has been feeling bad because Lilian wasn’t included in the original family meeting about setting up the Trust for the £500k, but Peggy has sought to put this right by naming Lilian as the Trust Administrator and she’s sure that she’ll do a great job, now Peggy has to go and circulate among the guests and - by the way, doesn’t Lilian think that the music is a teeny bit too loud? Lilian realises that she has been done up like a kipper and handed what could turn out to be a poisoned chalice with a job she never wanted or, as she said tearfully to Toby “I’ve just been snookered.”

Contrary to the fears of some of our readers (and myself) Peppa Pig’s headless body was not found at Grange Farm, but the man who picked him up was late and an already-stressed Poppy was made even more anxious when the collector made a joke in front of the child about how the ram would make excellent lamb chops. Will (who else?) used this as an excuse to have a go at his brother, saying that this, as well as the illicit pesticide business, could lead to Poppy being taken away. Ed lies and says that he has finished doing business with Tim, but Will still chunters on. Honestly, how paranoid is Will? He seems to think that Bev (Poppy’s gran) is keeping an ever-watchful eye on Poppy and is just waiting for an excuse to whisk her away. Poppy should be so lucky.

Last week I intimated that the story about Jim and the abuse he suffered as a child was getting on my nerves, but I’d like to change my stance on this - it is now reallygetting on my nerves. He decides that he should go round the village, apologising for his previous rude behaviour but - and this is what I can’t understand - nobody seems to ask him why he behaved as he did. Actually, that’s not accurate, as his family (Fiona) and ex-family (Shula) have asked, only to be told that Alistair cannot tell them what was the problem. I believe that Jim even apologised to Susan and I find it inconceivable that she wouldn’t start digging into what lies behind the apology. Let’s face it, this whole scenario is tailor-made for someone for whom the epithet ‘nosey cow’ could have been coined.

Towards the end of the week, Fiona is getting pissed off with having her calls ignored by Jim, Alistair and (latterly) Jazzer and so she turns up in Ambridge, much to the consternation of the three inhabitants of Greenacres. To be honest, what else could they expect? There is obviously something amiss with Jim and he reinforces this idea by telling Alistair that it must remain their secret and he is sworn to secrecy. I was always told that ‘he who has a secret, must keep it secret that he has a secret to keep’ but this doesn’t appear to apply in Ambridge, as people are effectively saying ‘ok Jim, you had a meltdown and buggered off for ten days, then went awol from village life (and how likely is it that Susan would let that go?) but we don’t want to know the back story?’ 

Fiona turns up and, in effect, is told by Alistair that, yes, there is something wrong about Jim, but Alistair isn’t allowed to tell his sister what it is. Fiona tries hard, but is stonewalled - is Jim terminally ill? No, but I can’t say any more. Fortunately we are spared other speculation (are sheep involved, is Jazzer Jim’s bastard love child?) but this does nothing to settle Jim’s disturbed mind, nor does it help Alistair. 

It does not seem to have penetrated the cerebral mind of the professor that his daughter might be a tad uneasy about knowing that her dad has some deep - and obviously dark - secret, which he would be wise to impart to her. As things are, most likely giver-away of Jim’s secret will be Jazzer, who seems unable to keep a lid on the secret that he shares with the Lloyds (or some of them). He gets shirty with Shula after Fiona rings him (Jazzer doesn’t answer) telling her that he’s not involved in the Lloyd family and neither is she, so butt out.

Jazzer manages to upset a lot of people - he has a go at Alice, who describes her forthcoming presentation about the robot crop pickers as “the scariest thing I’ve ever done” as being total garbage. Scary, Jazzer tells her, is not having enough food or money to feed yourself, or suffering trauma when you are young. Alice is taken aback at Jazzer’s vehemence and Adam has to get him to apologise: not too bad for your second day at work, Jazzer.

There as a cute cameo when Susan and Emma are talking in the shop and Susan is outraged at what Jazzer said, expecting support from her daughter. Instead, Emma says something along the lines of ‘good; it’s about time someone put her in her place.’ Susan is scandalised; Alice is family, after all. “No she’s not; she’s Chris’s wife” an unrepentant Emma replies.

We can sum up other events in Ambridge in short order - Jim, as we have already said, - is going round apologising to everyone, while there is rivalry over a ‘best cooked dish’ for the village fete, for which Ian makes Adam eat cheese soufflé for breakfast as a trial run,

There is also another of the (to me) continuing mystifying ‘bucket list’ challenges for Adam and Ian - this time they have to undergo an all-nighter at a Gay club in Birmingham. Why? What is this bucket list challenge all about? I know I had a week or so off in the last few months, but I have no idea why these challenges are happening, nor why Ian and Adam aren’t just telling people to ‘sod off and get on with your lives/work’.

Toby took Rex (and where has Rex been for the past few months?) for a surprise birthday treat. Rex hates surprises and was even more apprehensive when Toby blindfolded him. His fears, however were allayed when it turned out that the treat was a picnic on Lakey Hill. Not only that, but Rosie was there - even more spectacular; she has started to walk. Rex was overcome, which means brownie points for, and a cheap birthday present from, Toby.

We learn some novel suggestions for the Village Fete from Ben and Ruairi, who seemed to think that it could be a babe magnet - or it might be if the wrinklies on the committee didn’t keep vetoing their ideas. So far, the only acceptable ideas are inflatable sumo wrestling and a culinary competition, pitching local cooks against each other, head to head.

Finally, last week was the second anniversary of the death of Caroline Sterling and Shula and Kirsty met by accident under the tree that was planted to commemorate Caroline‘s demise. Kirsty revealed that she has this burning ambition to make a difference with her life, while Shula admitted that she really missed Caroline and, despite the fact that Caroline is not buried in Ambridge (or even in the UK, for that matter) Shula still talks to her under her tree. It seems that we have a couple of tree-huggers for very different motives. 

Now That’s Not Something You Hear Tony Say Very Often

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

The atmosphere at Bridge Farm continues to be a bit frosty between Tom and - well, between Tom and everybody else really. The trouble is the damn post-nup agreement, which Tom is adamant that he won’t ever sign. Pat and Tony are for it, as are Helen and Johnny, and even Natasha thinks it’s an eminently sensible idea, based on good business practice, but Tom is having none of it.

Natasha tries to get a reason from Tom, but he says that he is afraid that, if the family keeps pressurising her, she will get fed up and walk out. Tom, what part of ‘I think it’s a good idea and I don’t feel in the slightest bit insulted’ are you unable to get on top of? Carry on like this and I wouldn’t blame Natasha for walking out, but it would be your fault, not the rest of the family.

On Thursday, Tom is at Bridge Farm, as monosyllabic as ever and Tony says they are one short for the quiz night at The Bull later that evening and how about it, Tom? Tom replies that he and Natasha have other plans and he leaves. He didn’t seem to notice that Natasha wasn’t included in the team in the first place. When his son has left, Tony says “I told you so” to Pat, but she says that the matter is too important and they cannot let it go.

Natasha calls Tom and tells her husband that she has a surprise for him. Over a glass of wine, Tom continues to worry about the post-nup, saying that he has been trying to rationalise why he feels the way he does. Natasha presents him with her surprise - her grandfather’s signet ring. It’s not valuable, but it has great sentimental value and she wants him to have it as a token of how she feels. “I’m in this for keeps” she says (the cynic might say ’no doubt weeping bitterly inside as the words leave her lips’ but I wouldn’t say that). Anyway, it does the trick and Tom is overwhelmed and grateful.

The result is that the pair turn up at The Bull later and join their family. Tom says that he has changed his mind and is willing to accept the post-nup agreement. “That’s great,“ Tony says and then adds the phrase referred to in the title of this week’s blog when he adds “The drinks are on me then!” Left alone, Tom says “That went well, didn’t it?” Natasha agrees, and asks Tom if he’s going to let the family know that he and Natasha are going to enter a pitch for Peggy’s £500,000 conservation prize? Tom reveals that he’s not a complete muppet when he says “There’s no big rush, is there? One step at a time.” Make the most of Tony’s rare and unexpected generosity Tom, as I suspect there will be tears and strong words when you do eventually get round to telling your dad.

While on the subject of the quiz at The Bull, this became a bone of contention between Justin and Lilian; he maintains that he hardly ever sees her nowadays as she is always there, while she is suffering from the delusion that, with Jolene away on tour and Oliver missing shifts every now and then, she is now an indispensable member of the team. This is despite the fact that she cannot work the till or give the correct change and spends ages chatting to customers. Far from being indispensable, Kenton would cheerfully pay her to stay away from the pub.

But back to the quiz. Justin turns up unexpectedly and joins the Bridge Farm team, which should have won a prize for the most appropriate name - ‘The Village Idiots’. Quizmaster Lilian won’t let him join, but Justin whips up the crowd to demand that she backs down. Thereafter, Justin heckles Lilian constantly, querying the accuracy of the questions and answers until she snaps and deducts five points from the Idiots, with threats of further sanctions if he doesn’t shut up. When Justin and Lilian meet up after the quiz, they both agree that it had been a very enjoyable night and they will try to see more of each other in the future. Justin has been trying to get Lilian to go away for her birthday but she says she is too busy. However, she suggests a party in the Flood Bar upstairs at The Bull, with no family (which will go down well). Still, even if it’s only Lilian and Justin, you’d better stock up on gin, Kenton.

I think I am very soon going to get fed up with the story about Jim and his past sufferings. Susan bangs on his door - has he forgotten that he is down to put in a shift at the Community shop? ‘Yes’ is the short answer, but Susan drags him down to said shop and sticks him behind the counter. Alan tries to buy a magazine, but Jim makes a complete cods of scanning it and becomes angry and agitated. Kindly, Alan suggests that Jim goes home and has a cup of tea and he (Alan) will cover the rest of the shift. Jim agrees.

Later on in the week, Alistair has an awkward moment with Shula, who wants to know how Jim is faring. Alistair is in a difficult position, as he cannot tell his ex-wife the secret that Jim revealed and he tells her that he knows what’s best for his father and how to handle him. Somewhat hurt, Shula sharply replies that she won’t bother Alistair or Jim again, and leaves. Poor Alistair - he has had his sister Fiona on the phone asking questions about Jim, but Alistair promised Jim that he’d tell nobody what Jim told him and Jazzer, so all he can do is utter generalisations and mouth platitudes while people think that he’s a great woos. In fact, Alistair has been researching organisations that might be able to offer Jim help and counselling, and on Friday, Alistair and Jazzer try to get Jim to at least listen to what they (or, more accurately, Alistair) have to say. Jim is very anti the whole idea of counselling - how can it help when what’s done is done and cannot be undone? Jazzer suggests a more direct approach - why doesn’t Jim go to the police and grass HJ up; the revenge might make him feel better? 

Jim is appalled at both suggestions and gets angry, forbidding Alistair or Jazzer ever to mention the subject again and he’s going to his room and doesn’t want to be disturbed. “Thanks Jazzer, that was a great help” Alistair says as his dad leaves. Jazzer apologises, saying that he should have kept his mouth shut and that he has made things worse, but they can’t give up on Jim now. Alistair agrees “But the question is where do we go from here?” To be honest, I neither know nor care much, but I hope something happens soon before I lose the will to live.

Phoebe is back, having finished her final year at Oxford, and hasn’t the slightest idea what she is going to do. She goes to tea at The Lodge, where Peggy tells her not to worry, as she will recognise the right opportunity when it arises and, when it does present itself, Phoebe should grasp it with both hands. Tell you what, Phoebe, have you got a good idea for an innovation in sustainable farming? There’s £500k up for grabs, which will give you a good leg up in life.

Phoebe has had a talk with Adam, who tells her his idea for a Soil Academy at Home Farm, where farmers and academics from all over the world will come to stare at a patch of soil/grass/herbal ley. Phoebe’s reaction is that it doesn’t sound very sexy and it needs rebranding. Adam agrees to re-think the name.

When Phoebe was at The Lodge, she remarked on how sparkling and clean everywhere looks and expressed surprise, because she knows that Kate has been given responsibility for housekeeping “and she was never very good at it.” Peggy says “Kate has her own way of doing things“ (or not, as the case might be), and she has no problems with Kate’s work. This last comment is a bit of a porky (actually, it’s more like a complete side of bacon) as Peggy got Emma in in order to give the whole house a complete deep clean. Emma, who was narked when Peggy dispensed with her services when Kate allegedly took over cleaning duties, charged Peggy twice her normal rate. Emma also had a go at Peggy because her Ambridge Conservation Trust competition is only open to members of Peggy’s family - what about everybody else who might have a brilliant idea? Why can’t they be considered for the prize? Get on with your cleaning, woman and don‘t start getting ideas above your station.

Tuesday was the day of Ben’s driving test and, with him spouting phrases like “I’ve been driving on the farm for years” and “I don’t know why they don’t just give me a licence now” you just knew that the cocky little sod was going to stuff it up. And, much to our collective delight, that’s exactly what he did, although he told Natasha that the test was postponed because the instructor was taken ill.

Ruairi, however, was not fooled for a moment and got Ben to admit that he failed - apparently the reversing round a corner wasn’t good and the hill start (“it was like a ski slope”) was a disaster. Never mind Ben; you can always drive the tractor on the farm, you smug git. If that sounds like schadenfreude, you are spot on. 

Ed is moving ever closer to the brink of something unpleasant, I fear. Early in the week, he was making a delivery and the ‘clients’ never turned up. Ed waited all night and now he has had to stash the stuff in his barn. He complained to Tim, who suggested that Ed got the location or the date wrong, but Ed is adamant. Tim helps him hide the stuff and says there will be more work later.

On Friday, Emma is driving - in fact she is stationary at a junction - when a pick-up runs into the back of the car. She didn’t recognise the person, nor did she get his number, but he became abusive and drove off without giving any details. When Ed learns of the incident from Emma, he is angry and goes to see Tim, accusing him of setting up the whole thing to get at Ed through his family. Tim denies everything and, when Ed says he wants out, Tim says that these people own them both but, if Ed can stick it out for a couple of weeks, ‘these people’ will move on to another area and the two of them will be free once again. Tim also says that he’s found out the abortive delivery was down to the clients and not Ed. Reluctantly, Ed agrees to two more weeks, but he’s not happy.

Personally, I am all in agreement with last week’s comment from our reader Caroline about the probability of Peppa Pig’s severed head being discovered under the duvet and I find I am unable to stop humming the theme tune from The Godfather. For the sake of the Grundys (and Peppa Pig too, of course) I hope we are both wrong.

Jim Reveals All At Last

John Rowe (Jim Lloyd)

Just when you thought Jim Lloyd couldn’t get any more curmudgeonly or more rude, he does exactly that. On Sunday, he returns from his trip away, looking at Roman roads, having been missing for ten days. Alistair and Jazzer wonder whether or not he will be prepared to talk about why he behaved so badly at his party and Jazzer, slipping quickly into Baldrick mode, tells Alistair to leave it to him - he has a plan to get to the truth.

This plan involves coffee and walnut cake and a bottle of sherry, both of which are favourites of Jim’s, and Jazzer plies him with both before moving the subject round to the party. This is executed with all the finesse and subtlety of a hula-dancing elephant and a furious Jim sees straight through Jazzer’s plan and angrily asks if this is an interrogation? He makes it plain that he doesn’t want to talk about it and rounds on Alistair, telling him that, if he is going to move out, then to get on with it.

Jazzer tries to stick up for Alistair and Jim then picks on him, telling the Scotsman to keep his nose out of what doesn’t concern him. An increasingly-agitated and angry Jim then goes further, saying why doesn’t Jazzer go too, and take the wretched spider with him? “Find somewhere else to live - I’ve had enough of you both. Get out of here and leave me alone!”Jim rants.

It doesn’t take long for the news to get round Ambridge (we learn incidentally that Jazz is dossing down on Fallon and PCB’s sofa, which must be a bundle of fun for them). At a meeting of the Fete committee, Lynda fills Jill and Shula in on what has happened. Jill makes some uncomplimentary remarks about Jim, but Shula is worried - the party was to some extent her idea after all, and she feels responsible. Jill advises her daughter to keep out of it, but Shula says she cannot just sit back and do nothing. A word of advice, Shula - cake and sherry doesn’t appear to work.

She knocks on Jim’s door and he tells her to sling her hook and shuts the door in her face. She tries again and he is surprised (and none too pleased) to see her standing in the garden. This time, she does get over the doorstep and tells her ex-father-in-law that they need to talk - has he any idea of the number of people that he has hurt and upset? How does he think Alistair feels? If he wants to blame somebody, he should blame Shula, as the party was largely her idea and she sent out most of the invitations. Jim has a dig at Shula about her Christian faith and what he regards as her hypocrisy. He also says how evil the world is today and how can she possibly worship a God who allows such wickedness to continue?

Obviously some of what Shula says is registering with Jim, as he latches on to the bit about the invitations, asking her if she invited a man called Harold Jayson; an elderly man in a wheelchair who was at the party. Shula remembers him, but she thinks that he invited himself. He spoke very highly of Jim and is a talented pianist, as he demonstrated on Jim’s keyboard after Jim had fled the scene. At this news, Jim goes ballistic, saying that the keyboard is spoiled and tainted. He then proceeds to do a Keith Emerson impression (don’t worry; you’re probably too young to remember The Nice) and smashes the keyboard repeatedly into the ground, ranting and sobbing. Slightly alarmed, Shula asks what’s the matter? But Jim has calmed down now and tells her that he is all right now and would she just go and leave him alone? He also tells her to forget about the incident and, please, tell no-one what happened.

Oddly enough, Shula finds it difficult to get the image of a ranting, berserk, weeping pensioner wilfully destroying an expensive musical instrument out of her mind and she goes to see Alistair to try and convince him that Jim needs help and Alistair should continue to try and talk to him. Alistair is rather busy at the moment, plus he spent a night in Jakob’s spare room and the evening was purgatory; so much so that they ended up talking about the best places to park in Felpersham and Alistair took refuge in a second bottle of Rioja. On the plus side, he has found a nice riverside flat in Borchester and is looking forward to moving out.

However, he does go to see his father, but there is no meaningful conversation, as Jim is keen to get the remains of the keyboard (hidden in a sack) to the tip. So, once again, Shula goes to see Jim - why doesn’t she just move in; after all, there will be two rooms going spare before long - and she tells him that she cannot forget what happened and begs him to talk to Alistair, as the atmosphere between them is poisonous. Jim doubts that Alistair will want to listen, but Shula warns that, if Alistair moves out, he’s not likely to want to come back. Both Jim and Alistair are stubborn and proud, Shula tells Jim - please talk to your son. “You don’t know what you are asking of me”Jim says sadly, but once again Shula begs him to talk to Alistair.

On Friday, Alistair and Jazzer are hanging round Greenacres, packing up stuff, and Jim appears and asks them if they could spare him a moment, as he owes them both an apology and an explanation for his behaviour at the party. Alistair (who is on the verge of signing up for the Borchester flat) and Jazzer accede to Jim’s request to sit down, as they can sense that he is in sombre mood and that this is an important moment.

Jim begins by saying “What I am going to tell you now I’ve never told anyone in my whole life - it’s about me as a child when I was eight years old.” Jim’s parents had nice neighbours, with a son (Harold Jayson) who was a good laugh and who used to take Jim to the cinema. One night, when HJ was babysitting Jim, he took him to his bedroom and assaulted him for the first time. “I begged him to stop, but I was only eight years old” Jim continues, tearfully. HJ also told Jim that, if he said anything about what has happened, then God would punish him, which could go a long way to explaining Jim’s rabid atheism.

At this point, Jim breaks down and goes to his room, leaving a stunned Jazzer and Alistair behind. Jazzer has a solution: “I’m going to find HJ and kill the bastard!” Alistair asks Jazz if he could give him and Jim a moment, so Jazzer goes to The Bull. Alistair enters his dad’s room, to find Jim sobbing, and he tells his father that he’s glad that Jim told them what happened. “You won’t have to face this alone any longer - I’m here for you dad - I promise.” 

I’m glad that we finally learned the truth about Jim, and it was a fine piece of acting from all those involved. Presumably Alistair will now stay at Greenacres (?) but I cannot help wondering how he will explain it all to Shula.

Another story hanging over from last week was how could Pat and Tony tactfully suggest that daughter-in-law Natasha signs a post-nup agreement, relinquishing any future claim she might have on the farm, should she go off and leave Tom (again). Pat suggested that she should handle the negotiations, as they require delicacy and tact. Ha! Tony still thinks it’s a bad idea and that Natasha will go orang-utan pooh. 

Pat invites Tom and Natasha for lunch and, as far as we can judge from the mood round the table, her idea of a diplomatic approach was along the lines of ‘sign this pre-nup, bitch, or I’ll break your fingers’ - certainly as far as Tom is concerned, as he calls it “a slap in the face” and accuses his parents of not trusting Natasha and undermining the fabric of their marriage. Natasha, however, says that she understands and doesn’t have a problem with signing an agreement - she understands that Helen and Johnny might be concerned about their stake in the farm and she believes that trust isn’t enough and that any arrangement should be based on a sound business footing. Tom, who says that he’s amazed that Natasha hasn’t walked out, does exactly that. Natasha says she can talk him round and leaves. “Well, Pat, that went well, didn’t it?” Tony asks.

Elsewhere, Ed is pleased because the man who offered £4k for Peppa Pig, the Texel ram, has now offered £5k. Should they sell, or wait till autumn, when he might be worth more? Clarrie is all for grabbing the money (which will go towards the house deposit), but then points out that Poppy looks on Peppa as one of her teddies and how can they break it to her if Peppa goes? My solution is simplicity itself: ‘Poppy, do you want a bedroom of your own and a new garden to play in?’ Assuming she says ‘yes’ then the response is ‘OK, the ram is toast - say goodbye.’ I’m just worried that, the way Ed’s luck runs, Peppa will either develop the ovine equivalent of leprosy, or similar, or will be rustled by thieves.

We are coming up to Fete time and the committee are disinterring themselves and trying to come up with novel ideas - or at least, old ideas. Fallon thinks that they should try and attract younger people (by which she means teenagers, not just those in their 50s) on to the committee. It turns out that this particular meeting is being held at Brookfield and Ben comes in to deliver a phone message. Jill asks him if he’d like to be on the committee. When he has ascertained that she is serious, his reaction (without being as specific) is that he would rather circumcise himself with a rusty spoon - his mates would never let him live it down. Lynda suggests that he could become their “Youth Adviser”, to which Ben’s reaction is to reach for the rusty spoon again.

However, Ben has the hots for a girl (Tiggy by name) at college, who is in a female - and, according to Ben’s brother Josh pretty awful - band. Ben turns up at the next Fete committee meeting, announcing that he is prepared to be their Youth Adviser and he has had an idea to attract the younger demographic. First of all, the Hollerton Silver Band will have to be axed - kids don’t want ‘oompah, oompah’ music. Bert is scandalised - what about tradition? He and Lynda will fight tooth and nail to keep the Silver Band. Never mind Ben’s idea for alternative music (guess who?) “If we lose the Silver Band, it will be over my dead body!” says an outraged Bert. Strange how a solution can suddenly present itself, isn’t it?